Joe Rogan Experience #1396 — Michelle Wolf Transcript

Transcript

0:00 mmm yes how many lame wolf jokes have you had to endure in your life you know You got into crystals? As a woman, I think you get into crystals. I don't think it'll last forever. I think it means I'm lonely. Some narc can just kind of Google ayahuasca. Everything. taking a level of they're taking like enough psilocybin so that you don't quite feel it.

3:22 that happens when you take a large dose where it's like you just feel the tingling and you get fucking scared. That's how we do it. not Desert Storm but the most recent one that is forever cemented in my head by mushrooms and him Because in the future, I don't think people are going to be fighting people. What is the point of that? He's been on this podcast a couple times before.

5:18 Fuck that. having too much fun yeah why would you want to stop having fun but did you think about like when 36? Born here is super important. Have the kids over here. Yeah. Don't worry. Forever. Forever. Yeah. Yeah. forever and like and we just were like no no reason to be scared of them they've been china forever forever forever yeah yeah i mean america's a baby a little tiny baby we're a little yeah we're a little baby we're a little asshole baby it's not even they have bombs they have the best

8:08 well and i'm like yeah i'm sure there's chinese people that aren't doing well but you know their The Chinese people that worked at this tech company, if they were Chinese nationals, they were only allowed to have access to certain parts. and he learned English by watching Seinfeld. Not the full thing, but every time he'd come into the office, he'd be like, whoa.

9:35 Hold on. I enjoy chopsticks. Yeah. Like forks with sushi? Savage. I have wolf paw tattoo on my side. That fits too. It's like barbed wire. Yeah. I didn't get sleeved until I was in my 30s. Like, bro. But always tired? Oh, yeah. Oh, I've never been here for an earthquake. The other place I was thinking of moving to was Bozeman, Montana. than that it's a continent hot water right it's a continent destroyer it's a caldera volcano they

13:20 becomes like a crater. You don't want that. I don't want any shrapnel. Yeah want the full no you don't want i want the full asteroid to my face there's been a bunch of super volcanoes that have killed people there's one of them that freezing cold it blocks out the sun animals die look at that bitch whoa 75 000 years ago but look What is she doing now and i actually i went to the game last night and she wore this t-shirt that had this big hole

16:12 I added giant. No. Look at her there, dancing around. Look, she's got an old iPhone. Look at that. Weird people With a new one See how mad people get Yeah. you they're trying they're trying to keep you from switching over of course it's genius yeah it's well when they figured out the the blue text too the blue bubble carries status yeah you know someone

18:31 It's not jailbreaking. What is it called? And then they add their own skins and they add their own loaders. I went back and forth. well your friend ari shafir i mean ari does it too yeah but does that yeah it's the same kind The tale's hilarious. You're like, No, I've not heard that one before. before well i guess when you're a guy like him too if you're

21:26 doesn't get the kind of love that he should like from the general public because he has And I'm like, I did want a little baby Ruth. He had this one. Did Selena die again? That's funny. Did Selena die again? Like, I mean, he's been around for decades and should definitely be like widely loved. I think it is, yeah. He's presentable. Very good comic, though.

24:34 remake all these shows let's let's do a gay flintstones like if you think back like fred astaire my parent my parents used to live outside of wilkes-barre really i'm from hershey oh shit yeah Really? I'm good right now it yeah well i prefer it i have a lot of like a lot of people i know that hunt out there they're and the rifle is on the rest and the rest is steady all it is about trigger discipline it's

27:36 hopper so it's like a bag like a big bag like about this big and you can get two back straps are so easy. I mean, this makes me so mad because I had an Alexander McQueen purse working together and uh my friend Scott Frost has a – So we're walking around LAX and I go, hey man, you have a fucking pool cue with you? He goes, I'm pretty sure it's legal now.

30:09 Poking the back of their heads That's a better Yeah. And then have a glass weapon. Can you buy, like, a Voss bottle? I brought a big fucking knife once on a plane. I mean, it's a fucking click, a big hefty knife. when I can get hair product through. product in some of the places we go. Then they locked it down. How come you can bring a skateboard? Yeah, you have a bunch of three-ounce things in an empty tub.

33:08 Like those little two. way to do this it's like use your brain buddy like the shoe bomber that fucking asshole now and we did get this amazing action photo yeah Yeah, it's a weird thing that everybody gets super, super checked flying. Yeah. i was with my family in italy and we took a train ride they do trains really well it was great think i think it probably just felt soft and maybe it was expensive and it just showed that you were

36:42 i think it's totally true right i definitely think someone which I don't know the validity of it. Some of them were being treated for syphilis with mercury. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I mean, I think I'd rather wear my own pee than a camel's pee. Yeah, your nose falls off. Yeah. They just practice on people. i can't believe my god i got a fucking hole in my head. He just keeps walking around being like, it was worth it.

40:01 And it all came from these royal guys. They barely knew what syphilis was. For court. I'm basing Fuck you, I'm keeping it. It looks like a little carpet. For real? Look at these guys Yeah Look at these guys Look at those guys What's that? Is that other guy? You dirty fuck. I'm pretty sure they still do it. hole you look into his cheek oh god he's still probably everything sexual back then had to be

43:21 Yes. African judges still wear wigs. cool stop it opinion britney or whoever this is it's look how they did the top though they kind Yeah. do they wear the robes so that you can't tell like if they're beaten off yeah Bang, bang, bang. And then I would have to make a judgment. If you criticize someone for something, and then we can pull up you doing that exact same kind of joke.

46:36 you use the n-word back in 2012 well back in the the early days Twitter, no one totally understood what it was. Well, for me, it was You know, like, it was nothing. And that was during like the heyday of punked, you know? You would always say the at thing is doing something. Almost. they have not stopped yeah they're still going strong the the thing the crazy thing is like you

49:20 I was like, these guys do not fuck around. that's making them millions of dollars. China is at least a little We're not the best. Well, they also have stuff like you're not allowed to. Yeah. comedian that's what he does and they fucking sued him and they won and so this has been going on And he just recently lost. I mean, Canada's weird. He got up and called them a bunch of dykes and said some crazy shit to them.

52:38 something crazy crazy yeah it's also like i don't know i i don't like any time a comic is taken seriously yeah well He's like, oh, I'll make you a deal. He's the best. Holy shit, is it funny. a show you know like a face swap show he's gonna do a face swap show it would have been the best Yeah, because she's on top. I mean, and I think she was a Republican.

55:49 You have a moron who just happens to be transgender. Well, I guess I'm just kind of a traditional girl. I don't like you as a person. It's like, no, you're just still a shitty person. And they're not getting fucked like Trump with Caitlyn on top. biological facts of course but there's a thing like i say. That's like admitting that women can have babies and men can't. It's like these are biological facts.

57:45 He stomped her. It's like, I love track, right? It's also like, you know who else was jumping six, seven? You know, like he went to a D1 school for it. Yeah. it's smart right it's very dangerous yeah but some women can there's a woman who's fighting See, now this, she just calculatedly decided that she was a better fighter than this boxing match with this guy and fucking

1:00:37 i mean not a bad fighter knows how to punch but that's a world champion so i'm if someone wants We're done. What does that mean? Yeah. Where it's just like, no, I want to know and I want to be better, but I need help understanding. Be best. now you can't have you can't have another special because you googled are you allowed to be a yeah bully each other you can't be woke enough you can't because they're just feeding off of

1:03:38 she was eating her babies she was eating her baby we came when she was like a bloody fucking baby she's holding on to the baby's head and just chewing up like what in the fuck kind of pet is this Yeah. just misspoke and you know and she was like i'm sorry i didn't really mean it that way it came So everyone's like making these hard stances on Twitter where it's like, this is so aggressive.

1:05:28 People just want to feel powerful. like that you know yeah no you're right it's there is a thing to that right when anyone steps out of it is similar to that feeling of watching a public execution. leave tons and tons of like terrible comments. Yeah. You're getting canceled. Yeah'll go on your Instagram, leave tons and tons of terrible comments. Last public hanging, there was like a huge media event.

1:07:09 It said up there, scroll up. I think he was popping. no the first female executioner and then she couldn't do it not a good look for women decades yeah i mean they still sort of do it today sure yeah i mean when you make a guy work in jail It's one of those things where I'm like, we get so mad at a lot of the current stuff and oppression that we did

1:09:44 There's these communities that they're just, they're riddled with crime and drugs and so many people in and out of jail and this constant recidivism rate. Gangs everywhere. And also just admit that we're racist. somehow another addressed but i mean how do you address that like people some people want you give people money i don't think it fixes the problem i think to fix the problem there has to be

1:12:35 people go after on twitter like the social justice stuff is so easy to do and it's like Yes, activist. Twitter is great for just getting out information, letting people know about something. guarantee he's right do they they do pig monkey and then just like a little baby boy is born. Well, they do a lot of transplants with pigs now too. Miss Piggy cooking bacon for you. It's got like a human vagina yeah so is it you

1:15:33 Tight like a... But if you can get a pig with a human vagina... well, that's, like, people fuck sheep, right? It's not going to get carried away. Yeah. The sheep likes it. Like a Lizzo dance. They all just go right to his dick. like three or four people that work there i think but like it said that i was guilty of bestiality We went over to their house and it was in the basement.

1:18:44 of these trailer trash looking meth girls that were blowing donkeys and having sex with dogs one of them had bit yeah it was one of those shows it started out real good and then after a while like wait what people were like, I saw him at the Emmys last year guy he wrote a book called i've never met an idiot on the river it's about fly fishing yeah he loves

1:21:28 Got a leather jacket on him. Are you holding that Right there. Good stunt work, Henry. I don't know where their actual picture was. Yeah. And I get that, but it's like, I don't know. and sadness and all kinds of weird stuff i mean he developed a whole different kind of style of Well, he had some of those. someone says it you're like i have always thought that yes you know they're just like vocalizing

1:25:16 Didn't say, well, this is obviously not smart. no, I have to do this. We're not asking someone to like, you know, We're talking about someone cracking a joke and the audience laughs why don't you speak out against that you fucking cowards yeah again it's hard yeah it's easy like and tongue-in-cheek yeah too i mean it's not like he really thinks that someone pushed a fat kid in

1:27:43 like now i'm coming back to because ready because i my stand-up wasn't have done so much more with that i feel feel like sometimes, though, I feel like sometimes you can show kind of your evolution by redoing some stuff a little bit. I mean, he's done that a couple times for specials, right? I'm dying to see Eddie Murphy. Still funny. And so he's starting to go and do it again.

1:30:50 Do you think he's going to do it? And I mean, I think part of it is he sees dave just like because we're tight-lipped. Right, yeah. Bulked up. those are preposterous zoom in on those gold chains again what What in the fuck, Tracy? That's all about Walmart money. And then he's like, eat them. It's a TM on that. I'll find another picture. Scroll. health-wise incredible this is what i want of all people in hollywood who like look like that i'm

1:34:18 I believe so, yeah. I'm pretty healthy slightly ass rock for your ear he's done well he's done well i don't know if you've heard about it yeah First live set in 28 years, and I'm telling you, he was so sharp. He's sharp. He was the nicest guy. He's the best. see and you're basically an open micer yeah and you get and people are paying to see you yeah

1:37:28 world Dave Chappelle yeah but other people start in their teens and I'm like have some life first Yeah, that's where Joe, still trying to make it happen. for a couple years after that. when were you thinking about standup? how these people do this? really develop opinions or a point of view and so when i started doing improv i was like you know might be a little like darker too like i remember thinking when i was a kid like i i thought about what my wedding would

1:40:45 to pay some dude off yeah no like imagine yeah things start popping for you you got some guy provider someone who's well you want successful genes yeah and that's really what it boils down would have to be a real conscious decision that's yeah against evolutionary biology it would have Ooh, reverse handmaids. tub yeah oh that's not wise because china's not going to do that china's not going to do that

1:43:46 much more likely it is much more likely but god damn if there was some sort of like a real attack Right, yeah. He's very fit, but I can't imagine him killing people. He's a big guy. But after the stroke, maybe he's got less to lose. But he gets up on stage every night. And he's one of my favorite people to sit at the table with. It's one of my favorite things to do.

1:47:10 They're the worst. cause comics will say pretty much anything on stage, if that guy heard any of that stuff When you're trying to shock other comics. I have this sober october group text friends with women because there's stuff that they you can talk to them about that just like you want to go there sure okay she's mad yeah she's mad sure yeah sure sure sounds like a fight is about to happen yeah sure sure you always decide

1:50:25 Oh, yeah. god oh my god yeah they just have these these rambling girl conversations like hey hey let's But also, why do we want to be? And then there's some people that do float in the middle, but well i think it all gets conflated with equal rights like equality equal rights equal equal to you you make every fucking human that's ever made is made in a woman's body. Exactly.

1:53:05 Yeah. Yeah, you should. It's all exactly what we were talking about before, where people try to control people and define people yeah it's the you know like you'll see it starts i'm sure see it at stand-up shows where there's, like, white women with their arms crossed. human resources right you know they're they have this imposed standard of communication that's

1:55:59 there's also a lot of legitimate relationships that happen in offices like there's flirting i wanted and then you know like like yeah this is like you're gonna get canceled just for saying talking about they're like no i found these short so i found these soft-boned men you know like I don't know. She told me she had a chin implant. if you have a tiny little jaw.

1:59:04 in order Come on. power and you can see it when you look at it it's basically rape it's basically rape basically power Of course this happens. Oh, Stop talking about my mouth. Yeah. I'll throw you on that desk right now. Can we do this a lot? She was in a different department. Because apparently there were some people that got paid off. went over it apparently there's also a clause that she has to deny that anything ever took place

2:04:11 Because every now and then she just like wakes up in the morning and then just realize she If you live a reasonable life, you don't have to do a goddamn thing with $32 million. You're set. It would have to be in funds and 401ks. Due diligence on mutual funds You know like That you could use and they were reinvested in the company, which they say you're not supposed to do but this

2:07:01 else i knew i wasn't gonna lose my job um i also came up with Like I was, I think I was too young You should be at Mike. They're like, no, over time no over time i'm like no i know all the sayings but if it crashes when you keep it in cash, and just roll it around? I'm just going to roll around You got like, Yeah. I mean, And strangers. Yeah, they were like, no, it's snow.

2:10:19 Fecal matter showed up more than cocaine. but do a shitty job of it. Credit cards Good move 94%. How is it popping there people are gross we're disgusting how is it popping what's happening oh we're touching railings after you wash your hands like i was at disneyland this little kid was sucking on a chain oh no just had the chain in He was sucking on the chain.

2:12:08 Doing coke on $100 bills Yeah see if your counterfeit bills work yeah or to get people in trouble yeah you fucking losers have 10 bucks for free Yeah. I bet strippers really hate raking in the fall. And guys would throw it. college i mean it's a real testament to how much better women's bodies are like we're just like Just be the one who goes, I'm ready to fuck.

2:15:23 Like, show us you're capable of things, you know? Yeah, you have a full beard. It's such a different reaction too reverse of roles for guys like the the women are aggressive because they want to make money like like they could. I'm not giving my fees. Some of us, we're the classy ones. And you're in college and some guy says, I will pay you $2,000 to have sex.

2:18:25 Yeah, probably not. Like, what is wrong with that? to pay for it that's crazy i mean it's it's literally it's the like those are all the titles not that i look if i did look that's what takes to convince someone in porn. No, I mean, no. sorry to slut shame but if it's uh yeah like a relationship in power you just slut empowered i It's just be like no hold out for him

2:21:58 But I also get the appeal of it you look at them they look at you and you're like what do you think right like i'm like yeah yeah i know i know i know a farmer from back home he's really attractive and his wife's really You can predict the rain two years from now? on it and ergot produces uh lysergic acid produces a You're like She's a witch Which is kind of more fucked up

2:25:29 where it's like, So then we're like, Forget about all the smells and the syphilis and all the fucking powdered wigs. On average. i can't remember uh the name of it is escaping me but it's a it's a really good book about like um He's great. He was on much more recently. things and he shows it statistically and people are like you're belittling all the horrible crimes

2:28:10 Yes. not be true they want men and women to be the same as good as each other in sports and it's like fucking idiot yeah like you can't do that like i know what you're trying to do you're trying to transphobic comments yeah yeah it is fair He said, well, I'm not really saying that. let's have trans you're gonna find out how few they really are that's it's gonna be really weird

2:31:26 we know it is fair what your comedy special that's on netflix right now is that a good segue happy i did it don't get me wrong and i i stand by those jokes to this day jokes thanks you got And I was like, this will fix it. I'm like three hot toddies in and I'm just like, No, was like uh something so-called comedian did such a terrible job oh yeah i bet you'd be on my side

2:34:09 Like, come on. But also, it's one of Could be. They've done various things to try to slow down his use of Twitter and social media. Two Adderalls and a Sudafed and just starts fucking thumbing it. Two Adderalls and a Sudafed. about it, but a weird fucking dream dream and his battle rap was pretty good yeah Anytime he holds up a graph of any sort, I'm just like, this is great.

2:37:06 yes and on that note michelle wolf thank you very much your your netflix special will be by the time alright