Joe Rogan Experience #1401 — Iliza Shlesinger Transcript

Transcript

0:00 and the first sound is a slurp somewhere between 25 and 45 and then on either side that, you're too old or too young. Like you could be like a 45-year-old dude and you're like, I do improv. Someone's fucking. Well, okay. Let's certain people that we know. Well, okay. those careers where it's not even you fail up where you just fail laterally like comedy is one

2:16 of the realm of comedy. And they I don't understand that. I'm like, there's no one there. in the right direction. I firmly believe that. what are you saying what do you say i don't know you don't you say no you're very good i remember watching you i've Do you remember this? We go back there to smoke. better about it but i straight up i don't know that i could say that to someone i i allow people

5:54 knows you who knows what kind of a man you're dealing with we can bring i can i can speak to And I'm like, tell you what, I don't think there's any respect for the idea They're all bloated from vodka last night it's like yeah there's a thing like someone can do it the right way like someone could say excuse me does do any of you ladies have a lighter

7:33 Love to have you in, but you're not white power. was no money in it there was you know but you were a friend like i didn't get any. It was a dinky podcast run in the attic of the Laugh Factory. my podcast somewhere else and i'm gonna take it there i just wanted to because they had set up a I go, okay, great. I called him up and I said, listen, fucker.

9:12 And by the way. But it's like a weird accent anyway. Like, I was really respectful. I just said I'm taking it elsewhere. Right. from that mosaic of comics outside. I will nail it closed. production office so I think he's stressed because A lot of people are leaving the production office. And it was like a chunk of cash. sitting in our lobby now. she can come back

11:51 No. flip out on you in an epic way like it is it is a non-negotiable thing so they said no they're not And he goes, what the fuck? and they put all his shit online. on the on the fucking internet no they know that it's not cool and they're doing it anyway i also you fuck the premise up it's now it's like it's out there. has them by default on their phone my favorite thing is i understand if you're dave chappelle

14:34 Yeah, there's that. I'm also there this week, but I don't have my phone with me i'm just doing 15 minutes But in Miami, it's the best. coming in and sitting down the only place out of all the places i did miami was the only place I love the food I remember everything you say you said that i've only played miami proper once but i always play like fort lauderdale and all

16:35 I'm there, five sold out shows for Valentine's Day. The people that are born and raised there are like, whoa. Disneyland, It was always cool. and everybody was nice but I remember thinking like this is like always had a good time at West Palm. I had a good time because I made a lot of money and everybody was nice. You're never in the room. he had like the highest number ever of single tickets sold funny in all these different venues

18:34 A love interest I'm reticent to say It's kind of fun. Is it lame to come to your show alone? audience member alone yeah like if that's the focus well the only problem would be like a place I don't know if they asked for it in the OR. It's a bar. And you can tell like where that line is. I like you're a school shooter you're sitting alone these two and callen and it's like fucking god damn we're so lucky yes it's we're so fucking lucky it's always

21:19 I'm like, yeah, but that dark castle is my home. Right. like, you know, we eat together, we work out together, we're just bullshitting together, It's like having like a child, like of giving them these opportunities. by, like, legitimate, established comedians with specials who headline all over the country and the world. figure out how to do it themselves until they just have experience and do it.

24:01 how does he start new? in because it's the only way you know how to operate uh but just because i write a certain And if it works, it works. Yeah. Like if you really want to make it as a comic, you must literally dedicate your life to it, particularly in the beginning. out credit because if i were if i just decided i want to start comedy now it would seem insurmountable

26:30 if you have something that's unique and interesting and you build something. if you are good people will support you a lot of people won't but you have to just move in that I was thinking about the comic store. doorman yeah it's crazy place now and and adam i think to his credit kind of is responsible for a giant crowd in the front bar and i was like what is going on and paulie was out there

29:08 greatest spot on earth for stand-up yeah and you get to say your spots and people come and they And here's this dude who probably like fucking loves MMA and you and recognize my voice across the world. What was that like? So that's like, you don't see that at time. I thought it was going to be super conservative and weird. i'm going to europe like it's just cool and then they know other comics like they know who you are

31:45 going to be able to reach everyone and that's okay yeah of course touring in uh rush is going it's not a joke about the Vietnam War you can't make like drug jokes going to china i did hong kong and i had beijing and they canceled it to honor so random the And other countries are aware of our freedom too and i wonder how long they're going to keep the bullshit up in places like china i wonder how long they're going to be able to do

34:05 But a lot of people have been shot on video by cops. And then part of me is like, okay, some venues are big. Yeah. I'm watching The Crown. He said if you're a gay male if you're a gay male your pronouns could be he him too if your pronouns a little bit and then i think it takes away from the plight the genuine cause of the trans community unless someone told you

36:17 no no you have to ask they're just interested and then i realize they're making small talk i should ask i should return the The other day, somebody was talking to me and the words came out like a burp. difference no yeah sometimes you got to give people a minute they're not as uh verbally accurate but they have a lot of money going to do the bit but i really am cognizant of the fact that people in many cases look up to us

38:30 But like the general, like you're going to find racists everywhere. That's it. It's just how it is. But people that are just, they don't like others. Right? That's it. You're Jewish. And it's just my dad has it And I said to him cause I'm like this isn't my nose And it doesn't fit. can smell it's like a problem like a wolf like if you had a that right i have keen olfactory senses i can smell it's like

41:25 I did have a deviated septum The inside of my nose out I squeeze it Well what it is cauliflower ear see if you can find it jamie just google cauliflower falls on the map it's white with fucking forceps and shit like a hard, the calcified part. feel like a fucking man. She fought Jessica Ai I mean, I'm cool. Do you love that you're tiny pieces? Yeah.

43:46 Randy Couture told me Is a giant rock Heart attack Maybe I just wasn't playing hard enough It's a rough sport though Well, it's not cute. What did you do? I would pat you on the head. I'm like, you're doing something violent. So if you put it over your head and come down, that's not okay? takes her shirt off at a world cup game megan rapinoe does something it's like whoa scandalous

46:50 conduct yourselves with the real world if everybody was just swinging at each other, it would be a totally different sport. Like I had, and I hit, and you're not supposed to. But it's not. Right. They had less concussions back when they were playing with those little leather helmets football player, you're like, Jesus Christ. And they're running at each other Full clip

48:55 I'd like to see the new stadium I want you to sit in a skybox? You go in the audience Is that what you want? How do Raiders games have boxes on the field? It's going to be more violent. Yes It's about how But I think having a transient audience for a home team is kind of a thing. fucking la they're from la and then they're from oakland and now they're here in vegas but they're

51:25 Whether you watched it or not, it was a part of your life. Passed away, and it was super sad. And then I realized all that did was open up the conversation to someone being like, And you'd always get a guy like, no, fuck the cowboys. They love to get shitty about athletes. That's why they lock it down at 10. That's great. Well, Brexit is so weird because Brexit is, you know, they're part of the European Union.

53:48 and it used to just be such a chill thing and now it's a little bit of a nightmare i haven't done it A hotter. Like, I feel like that's where they were headed. He had a Jewish grandma? He's just younger. california i said something i was in a writer's room and i said something about someone who i I understand he represents all these horrible things,

56:17 doing the right thing because they think they're combating something that's awful and aggressive They want gay rights and they want racial equality as a person with pride you're going to want to be like you know what i don't want to hear it and practice Shane that's literally what I'm thinking of and while i love that he did The ideas are great, right?

59:02 there's nothing wrong with being fiscally conservative. Those are the fringe people. And I remember there was this girl that I was friends with on social media. But I agree with what he said. I don't disagree with that. They said, you don't let a kid pick their outfit. there was something else about like he called someone who had written a look this that's not

1:01:31 She's attacking you in person? I was just a fan based on merit. Like I just liked the writing. And I said, how dare you? I don't trust anyone who says they're an ally It's okay when other people use it. Not buying it. It's not healthy, folks. So they're just waiting for you to fuck up. well because there's no inflection You're a hypocrite It's talk without nuance

1:04:03 We talk shit maybe she's just like a half glass half full kind of girl maybe she's just high all the time Want to try it? Because he was trying to hold it in or whatever. It's a real thing. People are always like, No, it does. Maybe too, for sure you're from his place pretty cool i don't think it's To try to alter your state I do a lot of hate like when i if if i did a woman's podcast right and like a women's podcast or a woman's

1:08:26 It's not like I took a pill to become that way. yeah and insecurity i talk about this in my book is just such a personal ugly thing and people it's Right. And the late frost So while these fucking people always probably men that couldn't get laid and now you're talking about in america because it they drowned they weren't a rich witch but if they survived then they knew they were witches right

1:10:33 Like about folklore? What was the point? yeah there was an ad that was pulled in england in the uk because uh it was like a gym ad and What isn't? Are you beach body ready? my eyelashes are real and they're long and people are always like those got to be fake i'm like i don't know i've been playing with this cord too long you might be again paranoid i'm a little

1:13:11 It was like 59 degrees. of most of the people Well, there's a thing that people do when i don't like someone i really try to examine what it is and sometimes it comes down i'm like But a lot of time it is jealousy versus, getting like oh what do i care as long as he's not being shitty to me to you i don't care think player like he's a fucking pussy he keeps dropping the ball like is he really like could you do that

1:15:36 and judging her on merit of You're saying I'm a feminist. Because men, and I love men. that feeling like oh she's one of those oh she's a man-hater it's like it's a risk it's almost like the word is so heavy so heavy that it doesn't When in actuality, there's a whole population of people who think and feel just like you. actually more of a guy who's just trying to sue people but like yes like okay straight pride parade we were

1:18:59 speaks in generalizations for a living like women do this but because by and large you know for Some men like that. Well they said all Joe It's a cute dog This little girl was on her way to China. Like it's all around. because out of uniform i can't remember who works on who doesn't like you know a couple waitresses You work there. So I. So I called a friend.

1:21:43 And there was a giant husky that was cosmic cut to me just putting 300 in a cardboard box with no receipt no paperwork i gave this And it must work because she wouldn't set up shop there. I mean unless you live You gotta walk down Take your shit already They took pictures of these people and put signs up and like, this is not a toilet. Where do you think that's going?

1:24:01 You be better. it isn't that attracts animals it doesn't like it's parts where it shouldn't be like on a road Why do you have to have it open? put perfume doesn't last cigarette smoke lasts four days and i don't wear her perfume was so strong i literally wanted to stop tying my shoe and move away from her. This feels like I'm 20 in a shitty bar. in the day like actors would never do commercials.

1:27:15 Here's a million dollars. in japan you'd be like what here's the thing there will be no day of reckoning like i always that's peak pit right there too look at the hair legends of the fall hair yeah that's it that's And he just goes, oh, he would treat you right. It was cool. And that scar is from a bar fight. forehead cut into his eyebrows i feel like you would want that like you would want a face scar

1:29:34 Those Malamutes bite people in the face. They're great dogs. Beautiful dogs. Yeah. They're smart and a belgian malinois as well 20 feet straight up in the air. Yeah, I think so. fucking day i would throw a ball with it you got to give them active things to do it's german it i don't want to ruin the dog and his chances at retirement you could ruin it i'm not going to yeah those drugs drug sniffing dogs make me fucking nervous because

1:31:48 Like, what do you smell? Well, it's one that kills you. That's more like it ravages a community It doesn't make sense. I believe a state issued, if you apply for funding for support, if you're going to school, like a loan, or the state's paying for you to go to school, you get a scholarship, you should also be able to apply for a state-issued prostitute.

1:33:16 Great. Like maybe there's someone who's. And then the next thing you know, they arrested him and told him that there's a video of it. but it's also they were using that term to they were accusing him of this thing and using that or they participated in sex slavery. prostitution i think so too and and it's fine and look at it as like this is her choice and if there

1:36:08 Not only that, but it's fucked up about all this. A woman can have sex with as many people as she wants for free. It's restrictive. so and they did it in australia they did it in nevada yeah and parts of it parts of it um but But I don't think coke should be illegal. I don't either. What you're getting is being cut because you're they get to go ham they get to do whatever they want they could watch tv they could drink smoke

1:38:55 This is bullshit. have signs like don't touch a live wire let them touch it if you're dumb enough to do it well you should know you i think a lot just in discussions with my husband about like food safety and in this country everything is so sanitized uh this like anodyne food system we have where everything is wrapped in plastic and It's also super complicated.

1:41:02 I don't like the word. i think it was 80s you guys stopped never went away is cool yeah right cool has always been My 11 year old used lit all the time. Is that a Zier's daddy? Like a young daddy It's like a hot dad Guys attractive and fashionable Did you see that guy at the mall? Oh, turn that off. I can stay. Oh, I was saying we should make some rules.

1:43:14 something people talk about regularly uh i'm all for like a brutal it's always funny when someone's There's a kid sitting in the front row. said fuck on it and i was like it's just so jarring to read fuck that big that the rest of Those shirts and shirts that, remember there was this ironic T-shirt craze for a very long time that would be like, Oh, I got an aggressive shirt on.

1:45:40 They just go to hell to regroup. They never die. I'm like, oh, all right. I'm like, it's just such an aggressive statement. No, I'm just saying. A woman's genitals. That's the second one. a person regarded as stupid or obnoxious is number one a woman's it sounds manly. Can I put my penis in your sliv? It's just, but it's okay If you send a girl an unrequited dick pic and you just write, what do you think about my penis?

1:48:47 Oh, interesting. And his dick was so big that you could see it in the boxer briefs. Yeah, and it should stand. gentleman, all around, First of all, what does this guy do? Oh my God. It's not, He should put it back No, it's fine. Yeah, he's shredded with a large hog. He put a big cat there? That's fucking hilarious. That dude's working out. Right. You know,

1:51:54 Right, so what's, did that Meghan McCain spoof. He's a big, heavy gay guy who does the best Meghan McCain impression of all time. Bring it to the beginning. We're moments away. down this video you can only get it on youtube and on twitter now twitter left it up twitter and it will be raised in captivity. for this fucking country. from the right. You wanna suck cock. But I won't

1:54:46 Is it her favorite thing ever? Where is that line? Right. Let everyone know they're adhering to progressive ideology. Let everyone know they're upholding these community standards. She wanted an interracial couple. You got this idea. tokenism you want it always to be an organic story and we do have a problem with not populating our but you wouldn't sacrifice quality just to get a demographic no and so what i did was because to

1:57:32 And there were some we liked some we didn't that doesn't work that way what you want is people to rise to the top and when you're dealing with Yes. Yeah. the one everyone's going to talk about so when you're given this opportunity to fucking nail it the other average dude 12 dudes that were on there well i think that's one of the good things And by the way, to say the guy thing,

2:00:53 nobody gave you money there weren't that many i remember i had to run one there there's so much it out you got it and or it's your friends ask i was around there are shows my husband always jokes probably the highest percentage ever. clubs yeah yeah man good job man it's very it's cool and when girls do it I'm like yeah I'm cool Yeah, there's different kinds of snaps too, right?

2:03:28 They make noise that way. My kids figured it out. It's just a dry fuck. I suck on my fingers. That's a whistle reserved for calling dogs. Let out that whistle. You said my name. And the guy was always saying no. I'm like, he had herpes. She seemed pretty normal. One wouldn't know. these faults and people you don't find any in yourself. And I don't even think his accent.

2:06:57 of impressions yeah oh yeah it's it's an off impression but it but it's a really good off impression. Scarface. It's an American tale. I mean, it is an American tale. Cocaine Cowboys 1 and Cocaine Cowboys 2. is a crazy documentary it's a brutal drug oh it well it's also what defined miami i mean yeah about dudes, a war zone. Sure. Like, who's the guy banging on that? We all want to bang on the lid and have the guys open it up such an ex machina moment like who's the guy banging on that

2:09:12 through the ocean if it was legal Yep. That's what I'm saying. You're correct No, coca cola And bugs wouldn't go They put in the diet coke Yeah but sugar works for them I prefer it, though. That's where I draw my line. I'm like, lemon? Mangosteen, super tasty. And we just, what do we have? right off her balcony to the fucking ocean. You know what? I do, because it's a good way to make a point.

2:13:10 Yeah. a savage you could just pull on the straw really like savages drink tea with their pinkies up the Oh. I have one. It makes me feel weird when you're drinking your coffee. Oh fucking I thought he was just virtuous. Yeah, I didn't know that either Yeah, ask him. Oh, if only we had a container. I always shit on you for it With suicide doors Now we're talking

2:16:12 a cadillac and i could get like a cadillac emblem like tattooed on me and i could get old english I panicked. You could afford a nice car, lady. If you want to like a 2020 Corvette fuzzy dice. Like a dude with a little dick Like a nice truck I don't want that Dodge Ram makes a very nice truck. Hybrid. What? Just fucking jack everybody's cars? zipper on the front of the grill that looks like a zipper no that's a that's led lights oh that's

2:19:16 It's fun to do in the right context, but I don't need that. Like my brother's truck. I'm watching our world fall and I don't need a new car. A stick shift? Check it out. Oh, so you love the fact that your car is kind of a beater i don't go out of my way but i'm not concerned about it and more not responsible but what if you want to go to war and you need something that has three lockers

2:21:58 And if you don't, then it's like you got a 3 Series. and you're shitting on people 3 Series is a nice car. is what my friends got It was awesome. Ford has a 2020 Bronco. Get the fuck out of here. It looks like a Lexus. Or LX 570 That's the same grill. Those 570s are the shit. Yeah I did know Yeah but my Honda Civic Hybrid They're not off-roading. It's a legit, beautiful vehicle.

2:24:38 I think they do have some legit pictures, though. Let's see leaked Ford Bronco pics. Oh, okay. You show me. Oh my God. mink dicks? It's like some sort of felt. We had a good fucking time. Tell everybody about your special. There's blood. Bye. bye everybody goodbye