Joe Rogan Experience #1409 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Get that picture of that fucking monkey ass thing Oh. Especially presidents of corporations. and talk shit with your friends And it breaks up the whole morning. When I was a burglar, I went to Anthony Robbins things? Did you? When I was a burglar, Really? Nobody. And I saw vans. You could get patches of ice. And I just hit black ice and the thing started spinning.

2:59 We went over this bridge and just whee! I remember this. just coming down, I mean, And he would bust my balls every day. and he became a man. It's just some people have that as a hobby. In Boulder, it's either Subaru or a fucking 4Runner. The engine's sideways. That's like a BMW. So all those little things. I got to get my hand off it. I had a 2005 or something like that, 2004, 2005 Porsche.

6:50 And this is what I'm saying about the American dollar. That says a lot. He's a big fan of yours. What the fuck are we talking about? They just work. and it's probably under $50,000 I'm not sure. I mean, the power that you get with 40 000 45 000 today it's just And the Japanese just took it. They never made a single car that's reliable. Apparently the new ones you can drive.

10:09 Yes, I do. If you got a thing, somebody will give you a million dollars. called the Justy, Hyundai changed the game. There was a lot of people driving those Hyundais when they first came out deliver papers with. if they're going to jump Well, listen. Oh, really? biggest thing a car parts. old school veterans, That's how pissed off they were. I remember that.

12:56 You didn't pay the water bill. me to fall for fads especially for cars because i've seen a lot of fat i remember suzuki samurai And they were $150 down, you know, $150 a month. It's a three-wheel, one-seater car. car maker. 10 G's by a casket. and something like this is cheap. Look at that front hood scoop. I think that's actually a real hood scoop for some strangers.

15:49 I was tripping on something. And we were there. Were they the ones with the rotary engine? They got a different kind of engine, Joe. Mazda's a good car. I wish I understood engines to know why this is that different. rolling around inside of an oval, it looks like, a big oval engine container. But by selling cars in Boulder, I learned a lot. So those people move into town,

19:06 So I'd have to go on a brochure and really go into it, but they would look at cars what's this what's the weight that's what's really amazing if you cars when i say anything good i mean like something that like a muscle car lover other What did Steve McQueen drive? That's different. good that rear looks that's what he drove that's what he drove motherfucker look at that that is

21:54 No, there's no seatbelt in the back. I'm going to imagine this had like 400 horsepower. Sort of. The Corvette was like a little bit a new GT500 that has like the gt500 maybe that's what that was for yeah i think it's not even the gt500 i think it's the gt40 It's a ridiculous car. Yes, sir. Wait, I got to go pee real quick. That's crazy. Well, a lot of cars are doing that now because they can get so much more information in front of you

25:46 It's interesting, right? They're using the about doing that with Corvette, too. together combined yeah whoops guys fucking dummies he's a super genius just back off It's over 500 now, but the market value is there combined. I don't know. Is it Tesla? Yeah, Tesla. I got into a car that was just amazing, that blew me away. When you close the door, there's a lightness in the metal.

28:25 you tap the fenders too there's no give it's a different structure totally different so i was That dude gave me a ride last week. I don't know anything about them CTS It's just so Zero down. But people are like, dog, why are you driving a lesbian car? I want to get in the car and start it. Oh, that's fucking cool. That's a four-door? you know what's a killer fucking car right now

31:10 one or two other luxury coupes, which are very nice. Lincoln made some beautiful cars when I was a kid. They just tapped out With the suicide doors The Black Beauty. That was the Black Beauty. Yeah. Look at that one. The Green Hornet aired on Sunday nights. And he just traumatized NBC. Like when you know the punch didn't hit him and the hair goes flying.

34:03 No, actors were like fucking so huge nothing about Bruce Lee again, bro. The guy would look at you and his palm would turn pink. First off, let's get this straight. thought. Well, Bruce Lee fucking, it No, I still haven't seen it. Oh, Wesley Snipes? What happened to David Tell? but when he did, have you seen him come to your house? we could do you know, I still didn't see the Tarantino movie.

37:35 It doesn't make sense. I liked The Joker. It was intense. I saw Whatever you want to do, we're going to do. Think of your life from there. I prepared like at 8 o'clock. Okay. You know, it's fucking constant. I watched The Irishman. That's when I watch these three hour movies That's after the movie And then you got the whole night that night in your hotel room

40:23 And then once the joke works, It closes, yeah. No Twitter, no Facebook, no nothing. I don't want to look at it on the road. Just to make little adjustments from the night before. for me i always have better sets when i work out you have to work out always you have to work i Then you're good for 40 minutes or more. So Tuesdays and Wednesdays. You know why?

43:05 It's the law of diminishing returns. People are tired. I could fucking take the Friday flight to L.A. You're banging out in the shower. How do you have to go do radio? You get more out of that than anything. You throw an episode of The Sopranos on for one. You eat an edible. but by Saturday, I'm not going to be a good comic. and I got two dick suckings right out of the way.

46:25 Listen, you bring everything to the chapel at the comedy store and let the pieces fall where they may. Last night I was talking about that. Is that an adverb? What is that? Me too-ing. Is it a verb? Started out with it. I opened up with it to really put myself in the fucking hole of debt. I might as well go out there with a clay cup. It's like a. This L.A. is a fucking, Me Too was invented here.

47:57 dick that's just cruelty to animals you could put you in jail for just sucking that dick. You know, Harvey, all that shit happens here. She had French poodles, and she had flip-flops, and she'd cross the street, and the daughters would just stop I was 13, 14. And we're listening to Led Zeppelin 2. it. The juice is running down my leg tonight. out by 8. So she would take the

50:19 and I remember being on that Angel Does Hide in the Weeds, Like, I couldn't take it no more. And she goes, Coco, what's going on? kid is fucking snapped. And she goes, you've been drinking. I'm like, I still love you. I go, can I touch your thigh? You ever see Steven Seagal run? He runs like a fucking retard. Look at him. I think it's cutting all the time.

52:48 Because he's used to doing Aikido, right? and now you're going to set them back. That poor Aikido on the map and now you're gonna and a fucking sword. get someone away from you No, I need to join again. It's probably fun. That's fucking beautiful. Oh, that pulls his throat out. That sword fight. and Above the Law is a legitimate historical movie in terms of martial

55:50 This guy. No, no, no. and Demille. He's been doing movies What's his name? He used to live in Vegas, I heard. Oh, Kojak. Wiseguy. He fucked people up. He came out with Paul Newman and Fort Apache, the Bronx. Who was that dude? Wings. Yeah. Jan Michael Vincent wasn't. Wings was the TV show. On NBC. Right? Yeah. Well, he went crazy like straight from the mechanic.

59:20 Yeah. And right there, he fucked things up. Dog, he was the first Brad Pitt. With beautiful hair, this white guy is out sprinting. He did look fucking That's how they're killing people today. And she still looked good. Just go to all. There was quite a few, even though there wasn't that many television shows, They can't. This was our early education.

1:03:26 He hated Julio the neighbor. He grabbed Carol O'Connor and kissed him in the fucking lips. You better throw Cuban in there too. you go back in tv now 10 years and you're gonna see the difference you go back and film It was all about a guy who's trans. type characters for a bit i think well just the pressure of it all was just too much so this is Or she's.

1:06:51 But we're supposed to believe that So this is like some Yeah Now he's going to turn her around so everybody can see that she's got a hog. Tone Loke is cleaning his tongue up. These are all movies. Yes. Splash Mountain was, this is called the Song of the South. Like shit like this. Please, look it up. Listen to the song she sang. How old is this bitch?

1:09:55 about here. Someone had to pick cotton. on racism was a big hit for smith and also was recorded by paul robeson things we use all the time we're also really shitty human beings like you know about that guy to propose where they did that? I want to say it's II, right? It gets even crazier. You're talking about a monster. So he invented something that literally changed the way people can eat.

1:13:51 also you know they they figured through his work how to kill people with gas they just gassed entire sometimes they wouldn't even take it because they were trying to be polite and they would have these You're just hemorrhaging. You know, people are slippery. Get them to that point where when people come to see you and they pay money to see you, boom, you lay them on them.

1:16:34 conquer that your life changes completely yeah that's 50 you know you know the number one killer I love it. It's hilarious. mainstream films Jumanji. At least you leave of them are great. They're fun. second time just me and her laughing i thought it was so funny it's the rock is great kevin hart's what is her name? Yes, that makes sense. That some of these Pixar movies use music from our era.

1:19:35 And it's because of those. Like if you ride the ride at Disneyland, Got the headphones on There's something about Like it's both things All that music drives me fucking crazy. single of all time of all time that's amazing fucking now you gotta remember one thing when Icky, bricky, heart. He just showed up with a kid and blew up the fucking world. If you listen to Jolene, you listen to her cover of Jolene? Like, holy shit, man. Bro, she sang

1:22:14 What she sang she hasn't even, Have fun And she's gonna level Temple of the dog say goodbye to heaven. I think it's, yeah, say hello to heaven. Temple of the dog. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. He goes, fuck yeah. Oh, my God. You're not a blunt guy and I'm not a blunt guy. He'd cut those fuckers open. Perfect blunt. I can't turn the wrench. You've got to learn how to break down the tobacco paper.

1:25:18 I gave you an ounce of dope? Can you roll And I listened to it when I was like, I mean, I couldn't have been more than nine. How fucking genius was that? this was my biggest appeal about podcasting that guys like you and i grew up i'm listening to prior by Richard Pryor that's my Those are great, great albums. We made a big fucking mistake 30 years ago.

1:27:46 This fucking guy wants to buy Led Zeppelin on Saturday, You put the album on and you rolled but I didn't know anybody personally. 8-track? What's that? Minidiscs? Like going to Omiba, buying a movie, opening up the thing, and it'd just be like an advertising and a fucking CD. Warner Brothers and the other guys lighting on fire I wonder how many fucking turntables

1:29:55 When I listen in the office, is I'm almost always doing something. Just listen to it. So until this day, that's when I was thinking about how I was going to score a Coke. So till this day, that's the PTSD out of the question. You know, my boy the latest. It was hard to go on, You're not fucking killing yourself for an hour and a half. Murderers. I was just too mellowed out.

1:32:44 Like three days ago, maybe? Just, you know, I got all the shit there. At 7 o'clock, though, 7.30, 8 o'clock, I got to rush. And once the album is over, I shut it off, put the album back on the cover, and you drive around Now, because I'm very serious about it, it starts with a pad and a piece of paper and pray to God that I could just remember the idea to get it out of me at the comedy store.

1:34:51 Let me get this out. No. It's called Don't Fuck With Cats. Oh, really? Don't Fuck With Cats. He ain't going to lie. The Epstein family hired him to do a private. Oh, my God. He cut her waist, he cut her arms, her head, But no, no, it gets better. And it could have either been Boston or New Jersey. Whoa. He had some kind of relationship with her. Only seen from murders.

1:39:24 Really? Oh, it's... and then only get like 13 months and then during that 13 months he had basically he was like that intelligence thing is i'll just say strong rumor Yeah, Acosta. He got fired, though, or he had to resign after they went and looked into this, And it's all about the sexual harassment. i want you to do i want to see your ass i I want you to spin around.

1:42:44 She was sexually harassed. weight yeah that's some heart attack shit he's a fairly healthy guy but uh that guy's dead right Women always think a guy like that that looks disgusting, that you would never have sex with him. and this is just what they did. I didn't watch it either. yourself and like like who are you like no everybody in those days work with people they

1:45:55 She had to spill her guts. of the craziest things that Catholics just accept, that people are not, because most Catholics are You know what I'm saying? Iiles. We would all have rotten teeth. What do you think it is? Just a look. to San Diego, then to Louisiana, then they ship you overseas. No. we did the stress factory. We had a guy that played two-hand touch

1:49:27 The story I tell about New York, about the fucking, the guy that used to chase little kids and shit like that. Don't fuck with that dude. One of the younger brothers I think they gave him six years Did you watch Never Never Land? Asuka. I'll go grab one. I can't even. It might be low. Have you been molested by a Boy Scout or a fucking priest? and see all the people in the community at the church,

1:53:07 They wanted that Ratzinger, that Pope Ratzinger. It's like, gone to jail dude i don't understand it i don't understand reports on why aren't they going to Now I keep it simple. I remember when my grandmother died. He didn't even know her name. supposedly being celibate his whole fucking life, So there's no one checking him. what is that like what is what what is with the outfits the fact that all that shit's still around

1:57:14 They relied on the priest to tell them what the word of God was. of five and ten were you aggressive were you quiet we know much more introverted okay from the ages of five You know what I'm saying? and a guy came in, we started talking and he was 50 I realized that he was fucking her him. This was Sacred Heart They would just hit her with it like, fuck you, she's ugly.

2:00:14 Please let people preach the word of the Lord. But that, you can't get away with that today. telling them it's all right, that God loves them. You need to see it. Ah, perfect. librarian saved me i was like eight i was in san francisco and uh i was really into monster books I'm like, oh, my God. I had the basketball. Like, from the beginning, from the minute I got in, something wasn't right.

2:03:48 He goes, you like playing basketball? He kept saying, come back. I was just teasing you. fucking door and I just got out and ran. He kept saying, I had a guy slow play me at a lake. What are you guys up to? but he said you know they didn't like the way he taught and so anyway this dude just becomes my thinking is i had i put it in my hand in my pocket like i held on to it and i remember thinking god

2:07:10 He didn't want to rape me. But it was real weird. With Puerto Rican Nelson, I went and then they'd give you beer and all that shit. Then it was the porn, and then he would get us nickel bags of weed. And we were young kids, like, wow. So we're like, what do we do here? And we would come over there at night and listen. And then, like, the next summer was when he would come out and play football with us

2:10:37 Like, he told her something weird. give a fuck like how many gay prostitutes get arrested is it even close to as many as straight People fucking have dreams. arrested oh i thought you know we're living in oh my god it's such a shame that that's what you do And they had a bend over. I would be disappointed if you lived any other way. It's a big part of society.

2:13:41 Yeah. And I had a load truck. Jesus. And I remember asking him once, like, is this your daughter? but Don Johnson married Melanie Griffin when they get rid of him R. Kelly's done. That's what he's into? Well, I watched a little bit of it last week and he comes you start with your story about your uncle. It's just deep old school pimp. and it just makes me feel sick hearing the story.

2:17:45 That if R. Kelly We would think it's hilarious Amazing musical tracks Of sex like a crime got committed we'd be like wow listen we're hypocrites because i make jokes of it on There's people that look you in the fucking face and go, Michael Jackson never touched a kid. obviously have any idea what happened with first superstar we ever saw Whatever the fuck it is.

2:20:20 It doesn't bother me at all. We've seen a thousand comics come and go. And it's been four years that they've been playing their little fucking stupid charade. So when you watch this Never Never Land, you're going to see people who got caught up, Joe Rogan. thing you know, he's in the room They got caught up. fucking that? I mean, not what we pick and choose.

2:23:24 the last Golden globes and then And nobody knows nothing. she expected it to be a real script and those are very very different things and i don't know if They had to go to his parties. And in a way, it's just as guilty. Within 20 minutes, you'll look at me and go, look at these guys doing blow on the bathroom. About three, four months ago, it must have been, you know, it's, this is it.

2:27:08 That is a pretty girl. now is that a me too situation no that's listen that's a he was he was clear and she was clear She fucking started wearing Ah! I think they have to come prostitution? is if she made it clear that she was willing to have sex for money. And then you wouldn't be willing to pay for it. they're just regular hookers they jerked him off and then he got in real trouble and they were

2:30:08 All right? Thai. And what's the other one that's $60 tip on her. Because it's 40 for 45 minutes, and then lay a $60 tip on her. They usually have the one, they have a fucking happy. I could walk there if I wanted to. Sometimes I don't even want people rubbing my feet. What's that? She sticks a thing in the nail and they blow hot. And the other chick comes with a blowtorch and they try to blow the fungus away.

2:32:30 It doesn't work. Every time I go to jujitsu, I try to hide it with a Band-Aid, But I took one, and I tried to zap it, Apple cinnamon cider? You have to smell that powder to believe it. Like you're sanding your toes. It's not even a toenail no more. Yeah, because that's how the fungus is coming out of you. It's a nightmare down there. It looks the way it does every day because you're used to that mirror.

2:35:17 But when you look at you Remember when the old Machida was saying, a little bit of tart cherry juice, Before the podcast, we were talking about the So what they're doing right now is This is when people lose houses. So tonight's big Everybody's forcing you to back Conor McGregor. Everybody and their mother bet Baltimore. Will you pull up the UFC card for this weekend so I can see who's on the card?

2:38:13 Over, under one and a half rounds. It's very slight, though. He's a very good fighter. Yeah. finishes Ashley Evan Smith. 260. So you'd collect $360. and you see Conor going in there And Ashley Evans-Smith is the woman who beat Fallon Fox, the transgender fighter. show everybody the choke why are you hiding the choke Jairzino, Rosenstreich, and Francis in Ghana.

2:42:11 go in the fight and hit him with a bomb and broke his lip open. That's true. But he still absorbed fucking the great white hope. But meanwhile, Rosenstreich just walked through all that. This is what it seems to me. Cowboy can submit the fuck out of you. I don't think it's impossible for Conor to submit Cowboy, When he has you as good as well or better

2:45:08 pay-per-view cards ever. It's Gets in front of him stealing his belt gets in front And at least he made it into the fourth round, right? The question for me is, who is Conor right now? any terrible beatings. Even in the Nurmagomedov fight, he stopped him with a choke. the day he died or excuse me to the day he retired and mayweather when he was during his career was rich

2:47:55 what you heard me telling Ups and downs So out of the last five fights which was a really good fight for him because Mike Perry is a big, scary guy, throws bombs. him out. People looking at him. I mean, in a perfect world, maybe his chin's been a little suspect lately. There was a difference between a really big welterweight and a guy who came up from lightweight.

2:49:52 You can't write this kid out. fight like a fucking madman again, like he did when he was younger when he was smashing fuck up that right leg, he can figure Yeah, he said Duke Rufus, Rufusport. And Leon Edwards, for whatever reason, is not known as much as he is skillful. other than Masvidal, who's the fan favorite, and then the rematch. There's a lot of options for that division.

2:52:39 He's got a thick frame. They're big at 170. But, of course, just even the beating that he's putting on Nate Diaz. I got Duran. The other day, we were talking about because I got pissed off with that fucking Bikram thing because he said he came to the United States on the pretension that he had won three national yoga competitions. Really? Is that real?

2:54:34 Let me go pee real quick. Can I see it? Yeah. Okay, give it a shot, son. How many times are you going to let a dude shoot you in the face? Even if you had steel dentures, if someone were to shoot you in the face, There's no way. another day it's like a good movie you're talking about a guy who uh was his scam was he would let Yeah, there was a couple of those fucking lunatics.

2:57:46 Because in those days, they used to do a pay-per-view on Saturday, Because that was live on YBC. It looks like it's outside, doesn't it? When was this? The Korean guy That guy was a tough motherfucker They would dehydrate themselves pretty bad in the weigh-ins Even for the heavyweight division, there was a guy who went into a coma a russian guy in a fight a few years back um but in the

3:00:48 and made it back into the ring fought his ass off and then started taking it to gerald but this It was one of the wildest fights. Toronto was the first one. God damn it was good. He's got a cigarette company logo on his back. And Sugar Ray decided to try to fight his fight. You love that shit. to him like glue and just ripped at his body Duran bumped into Sugar Ray Leonard.

3:04:02 I believe it. watches. Look, put the fuck Bro, even after all that fighting, still angry. Duran was like, he just knew how to nullify you. Thank you very much. Then I'm going to be at the Improv at 1030. I love that place. I love you too, man.