Joe Rogan Experience #1413 — Bill Maher Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Hello, Bill. But, you know, as I was just telling you off the air, I invited myself on this show. You know, I like that show. What season are you guys coming into? It has to be on most of the year. So I guess they counted the early years as two. Actually, we look better now just because we look douchier. so funny because i suggested that a while ago with it, not with me hosting it,

3:14 you're not going to want to do this, but I'm obligated to tell you. The whole thing was, once someone does a show, leave it alone. Right. seven seconds or three hours yeah there's no there's no in between well uh there's a lot of catch them up. And it's my job to obviously entertain them, but also to point out what's going now with streaming like i know know HBO has their new streaming service.

6:06 I just think, you should have given me – the New York Times starts every article. to just letting it happen. I'm kidding. I think you think it's not that much of a talent. for a long time. Thank you. Very accurate, though. and put it aside and I'd look at it for years. And then I did a... This is my old life in 1985 that dates you I think I do remember it

9:37 You pay everything in beads. Eventually, I got fucking cabin fever down there. I'd done a few sitcoms, and I didn't want to be the office creep forever. And so I was just like nowhere. And that's when I finished it. Really? Most men did not. I love that. And, uh, and write, but I didn't want to talk. Some people are like, that guy, I was never that guy

12:08 I took it off too much by drinking Jack Daniels. That's probably why I didn't. Spoiler alert, it's the beginning. Hey, you've got to get this book. Yeah. And Tom Hanks was good. No, I haven't seen that yet. you can tell it's not real. It's like a is involuntary yeah it's in you So it's a guy pretending to be on stage and an audience pretending to be an audience, and the whole thing is a disaster.

15:59 The third season, I'm like, I hope they're not losing me here. And does everything have to be like a season? I have the opposite problem. That's why every fucking drama is something and then six months earlier. The old Steve McQueen. He directs, well, you know, right? He's a major, major guy. Widows, 12 years. Lung cancer? It's just people going about their life on the racetrack like all preparing for things and

19:30 I do think they really do. I saw it in the theater. He liked that story about the innocent guy who's being chased by somebody, and he doesn't know why they're chasing him, and the police are after him. It's really subtle, slow. I mean, he started in the late 30s. yeah that's the point at this funny it's it's in True Story where I talk about how those guys who were such icons couldn't make it today because they take too long.

22:21 And some of them are on it, you know, Danny Thomas and, I don't know, Red Skelton. like back at the album days? Well, it was one of those things where if you had said any of this that you're saying 10 years ago, people would have been furious at you. So, and it was somebody I liked, not somebody I was romantically involved with, but a girl Like Bill Cosby?

23:43 I mean. I hadn't heard that exactly, uh, scoop out the doughy part of the hamburger bun after you wash your hands and put it back on the hamburger. I can't get into – there are certain things. He had like a whole routine that he wanted them to follow And they feel like they can do things to people and they, but I think he did, But the other thing that he was doing in public, he was trying to chastise other comics for using bad words.

27:35 It's mostly unexplored. it's probably not just they might find like 30 dead cats in his backyard i mean who knows the I put my feet up here all the time. Oh, boy. Yes, which just shows you that show was, when I started to do it, there was such a proliferation of comics. was the comics' frustration I've never heard of this comic. who have funny bits about the ketchup bottle,

30:40 No. there's 13 other comics on the list but i work the road i do that too yeah but i'm saying but that's my When I get home from the gig, I go through it. I know what else and I'm going to tell you. I like to be around a lot of other comics, You know I have a steady... You were there? Nobody would book it. And Maui. But maybe you'd consider slumming.

34:10 I always hated New Year's Eve. Right. You've got to do something as you send them off. Charlie Chaplin was a child molester? the legal age back then possibly none right they probably didn't know a law i don't know i don't So Elvis was a child molester too. She can live with me at Graceland, and it'll all be good. 16-year-old Harris met actor Charlie Chaplin.

37:23 I was thinking recently, people were just died young back then. I was thinking that recently people were just rougher. I think kids are coddled. That's just the way it was. It was really the land that time forgot. He said, if it hurts, raise your hand. And I'm saying I wasn't raised by bad people. Yeah. I came home from school, fly into the house, change into my play clothes, fly out the door.

40:44 Did everybody know? Like what happens to a young mind when it has access to almost anything as soon as you get a phone? Not the way it is now on the computer. Yes, it's a lot of things that I'm not interested in, even in my fantasies. And the thing, I don't get it, but that's half of what Pornhub is. Right. There was a squid. Yeah. Oh, there was a squid yeah oh there's always

44:09 Like, I mean, I don't even think it's legal to watch porn with a 13-year-old kid. And it was overwhelming. I'm sure there's just some girls that are just really promiscuous. But I am saying that you should understand what this thing is. Because they don't. Yeah. Just don't think that's the way real women are or what real women like. I read also an article about it.

47:49 Victim? She was a willing predator. It was like some crazy number like that. you ever read that book sapiens yes such a great book and he goes into the fact that monogamy And we are primates. You read Sex at Dawn? It's about how people behave, the polyamorous relationships they had in these primitive cultures and that before dna testing Or at least as much as my own. That's love in any kind of relationship, man or woman, whatever. Or at least as much as my own.

50:59 how I felt and what I thought, Like it's naturally built in, wired into their system. Gay penguins, fucking kids. Maybe it's they were in. Two male penguins adopted an egg. something because it's some new thing to talk about and it gives them fuel yes for outrage But it's also probably one of the reasons why people are And that's when they fall. but you know there's parts of the world that are real with crime and gangs yeah oh those those

55:37 well, that's part of the reason why, is because we lifted out of extreme poverty with us growing up, that life was rougher, is the safest time to be alive ever. if there's a there's a real problem with communication in this society one of them I expect this shit from the right. Yeah. Yeah. And we don't chase these virtue signalers who are always, as a friend of mine said,

59:13 So whenever there's something on the left that's cuckoo crazy, we all own it. They do not want to think that one little misstep and they'll get Okay. Some guy was criticizing him, I'm going to explain. I think he did. My bad. It's ridiculous. And that is the great danger of reelecting him. just that alone like i even laughed and clapped i was like that's fucking hilarious because that is

1:03:39 Noam Chomsky. It's just by whose team are you on. and when someone who's the president does irredeemable, like either chosen or irredeemable And he goes, well, and so he starts getting defensive. He goes, that's exactly what it is. Everybody walked on eggshells. You know, kids in cages. bullet points that they feel like they definitely can shut a conversation down that's what i mean

1:06:58 You know, Jordan Peterson literally counseled and coached women how to be more assertive in their jobs to get better raises. Yes. By other men, you fucking idiot exactly like what do you think i remember that yeah chicks are out there raping life is a complex mixture of advantages and disadvantages. oh, come on, what the fuck? And that was completely okay on the left.

1:10:08 He's going to punch you back. live in the style of which you've become accustomed i can help you here i can help you a couple couple ways here's the big one lawyers make a lot of money if there's a large Have you seen Marriage Story? Make them something else. And once it goes down that path that you're talking about, it just becomes as vicious as anything without guns.

1:12:51 Devastated. contributes all the things to cancer, but that certainly is, I'm sure, one of them. And then Most lawyers, they're working on a percentage basis. And you know what it is once you see it. difference between that and alimony. old woman and my joke was like you fucked her so hard she can't work right like she literally can't Oh, God. Dave Foley.

1:16:23 statement, where else would we say that? it's like they're very dependent i think it's a scam that's set up because the men in general He's one for the males. I'd say why would I invite just your feelings for that other person Well, I think that's a crazy backward way to look at it, that without the piece of paper, it's not real. about a divorce we're not getting divorced we love each other god sign it sign it and then when you

1:19:18 I don't think that's a real thing. Oh, I see. Well, but that's putting a level of logic into it that's probably not going to really obtain when the moment comes. You'd be fine. it's funny you mentioned Tom Arnold. I had him look at your fucking baby on the computer screen there and come back tomorrow and tell me you want to kill that kid. But yeah.

1:21:27 driving a Ferrari right now on Britney's 16 hours. He has not said one word. She still looks hot as fuck. Right. Right now. She got some crazy videos recently. I do not... I'm here to fuck! And there's no more issues. unmanageable for anybody it is what we saw elvis go through or michael jackson go through or any Hello, how you doing? It's so good to see you you know they're

1:25:08 Austin, to me, is not Texan enough. I always had a better – back when I used to go out after a show, always had a better time in the south than the north. This is Barry Goldwater country. Look at the election map every year. There was a bass fishing contest or award show tournament, something going on. Trump does super well among people who never left the town they were born in, rural people,

1:28:19 Let's see what happens. But that's why it's so risky to run someone far Do you think that's real? The free education, paying back student loan debt. won their elections. What can you make possible? the government, and I'm a Democrat, but if you're going to tell me the government is going to Medicare, Medicaid. $12 to $1,200 overnight. That just can't happen. And also, they don't ask the people to lift a

1:33:17 he had that whole first of all he did that and in doing that made fat fat jokes. Which I did not, by the way. That's not brave. month, a month die from obesity. That's a crazy number. That is a crazy number. We have to somehow That's fine. being overweight. So, you know, I said we shouldn't taunt people, but, you know, compare it to And we should look at how we are dealing with this.

1:36:56 nothing to do with weight uh diabetes has for sure everything to do with it for sure also they they in this country I doubt if it's on But I'll tell you something, something you never need to have with your food I'm fine He's got people in the audience that love him, and they love him standing up for other heavy people. It's fine. I'm like Adele. Everyone's fine it's fine i'm like adele

1:39:14 And she was raising her hands in triumph and everyone was applauding. This is like a rational perspective. That's weird. addiction addiction of likes addiction yeah there is absolutely that and they calculate their posts Hmm. So it's not a position they would take. Right. It's greasy. Never. Oh, yeah, Did he? She came out of here. And then you go a little further.

1:43:44 people right just to get a rise right just to get a react to see if i can get them to react I always say that if I had a Twitter account when I was 15, I would have said horrible shit to famous people. Right. You know what? Hey man, Yeah. you don't want Jerry Lee Lewis There's a balance to be achieved. Exactly. No. Remember that scene in, what was the fucking movie?

1:45:52 Yeah. He said, people look at stuff when it's written down like it's different. look he said it he said she's a fucking bitch and you can't there's no just talk anymore but we're As soon as she got off the flight. By the way, Family Guy did a hysterical version of that It's like if you're going to write something in a book and publish that book and you're going to carefully consider every word and then you put that book out and you go, okay, we've gone over it.

1:48:18 he he's never blocking anybody's door and what's and what's unfair is that he cannot say it. Particularly men in positions of power in the office place. Charlie Sheen, who I'm not picking on, I like him, but he got a Super Bowl commercial last year. Well, he did way worse things than Louis and I seem to remember... Right. And who decides it? Yeah. up on that?

1:51:36 I'm just pulling it out of my ass. He's got some hilarious bits about it. He assaulted women. There's some question as to whether or not he jerked off on the phone with somebody. someone's career from moving because of this if that happened that to me is almost worse yes that's Because all the pain, all the craziness. I do, because it's like a work night for me.

1:54:15 And I guess you can figure out the other time zones from that. Thank you. I don't know what the fuck happened. I didn't know who he was. Kyle Dunn again. It's not that it was just. It doesn't matter. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It's not your show. Well, which we do, It's not even that they're shouting over each other. I watched the one where Sam Harris started going at it with Ben Affleck because of that.

1:56:57 I've seen Jordan Peterson. One of my favorite ones I've watched a bunch of episodes. I'd like you to do it So you wouldn't have that problem you being here man yeah real fun bye everybody