Joe Rogan Experience #1420 — Mark Normand Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Ladies and gentlemen, Mark Norman! We're gonna get new things with a box and like a little wall. Does it? Is that your maid? Yeah. Did you do the improv with the three floors? You know, Richard Jennings photos on the wall and all that shit. Ybor City, everybody's hammered. Right. Not one fuckable weirdo? Everybody fucked everybody. You get into a fuck club.

3:00 and we were both like, what? Oh, wow. Oh. pointer just to fuck with them yeah they had well they used to have those i've never been to a an He's going to get wood. and banging Debra from sales, keep the masks on? and detach It's always in an office setting or something. She doesn't have to look in the eye of the the man Yeah, they get real weirded out by it after a while.

5:41 And then- You should see my DMs, man. Otter? That's one of those gay terms. They got otter, bear. I knew it flattering. Why do you think they're going after you? I think I got a twinkie otter vibe, you know? Otter? What's an otter? Yeah, he does have chlamydia. Well, apparently we got AIDS from a monkey, have 100% Well, you know, they're or Monty Franklin, rather, Whitney Cummings, and Jim Jeffries.

8:17 So it was a double Australian, double American card. 70%. you know i know it helps people it's for wildlife the money is all for wildlife for a lot of them Yeah, because all you hear about is the animals. Oh, boy. Yeah. Yeah. Crocodile Dundee. Really? It's really strange. What do you mean? Like, do they fight each other and stuff? No, Melbourne's real close.

11:20 Very good. there's so much But yeah, and real, like, they're kind of behind the times from the parents and trying to raise them. Right. I think she misses her mom. Do they even know? Yeah, 3,000. Fire can fuck you. if we let the woke brigade keep taking our words, Like, what if you don't have a friend? Oh, it's one of the best reasons to have a Tesla.

14:07 Really? I mean, it's so beautiful. They're just enjoying the day. My apartment's the size of J-Mo's asshole I thought it was a new girl that I don't know about I saw Pizza Rat. Wow. I think it was on the street because I don't think pigeons actually go into the subway. And it's as big as him. They never stop growing rats' teeth. Ah, sure you do. Get the fuck over here damn the

16:50 I thought they only just ate stuff that was laying around. And I leave my garbage in the garage. So I hear, snap. Oh! There's a lesson there. Yeah, you could. Circle of life. I never lived in the city. I know it's like a wussy thing, but when they're running around, I just jump up on the table. So you let them just suffocate out there or whatever? There's a lot of them.

19:25 Ah. No. they said it's either the number of rats is the How could you know? Yeah. Entomologist? Is that like phrases? Yeah, they swarm. It doesn't have hands to move it. Well, nature sort of had a way to keep humans in check. we all get doughy like little fucking human water balloons right and one inkling of discomfort and where they'd fall into this bucket of alcohol

23:09 I know, I know. Yeah, why can't they? Right. Right. It's mine in my back pocket of conspiracy theory. Well, the Chinese have always got something cooking. Maybe their comedy is like because of the language structure. What is this article from? Well, everything's click-baity now. Academy of Sciences, large research infrastructures per user surface platform.

25:49 They pay amazing. Ricky Gervais the whole thing, you know, be an awards and they fired me. Wow. Did you have to pay anyway? I got paid. Oh, Jesus. And she bitched him out, and then he bitched me out, and they fired me. Wow. Yes, squeaky. Muscle relaxer. I know! The joke is how the vibrator's better than me. like a fun power move. laugh next to my boss, you know, and I was like

27:57 Like, you make a coronavirus joke, nobody cares. Right, right. Well, wasn't that something that Stalin said, Yeah, exactly. Just in the United States. Well, how about gun deaths? Yeah, yeah. 50 a day in swimming pools. That's great. The AC falls on people. Really? You shut your mouth. They avoid the trees Halfway down Fuck, man. It's like, what the fuck?

31:10 Well, you know what it is? Their feet They splay out. Yeah. with your feet? They're unrecognizable. Uh-huh. so they develop all this strength and thickness. Yeah, right. They would just be pink, I bet. chimps more than it is monkeys. It's so Who was the first person to get it? I'm like, I don't know if I can do it. Do you know that that's real? And they'll fly up the old pee hole

34:28 Fish swims up your urine stream. He's trying to blow you from the inside. You bring a lady in or a small boy. Strange. going to vote for him. I said I like Tulsi Gabbard. Yeah. the thing that I said in the video He's the real deal. No, of course not. Maybe we're better off with someone else. And he's one of the most inspirational and brilliant people I've ever met.

37:39 This was what I was saying. and was kind of bragging about it. see how you do and in fact a woman who eventually went and fought in the ufc a girl named ashley Oh, boy. okay you know well when he was a dude he looked like a guy right a bro yeah and then when he In terms of your gender identity and who you are and what you want to do, I don't care. About the fact that she was trans.

40:41 becoming world champions and it's you know it is this it's where the rubber meets Either you're dumb or you're secretly worried that dicks are delicious. It's one of the first exposures that he had to me. to represent anything Before I say anything stupid shit i couldn't even believe why i was saying it i like to say inappropriate words i do The weird thing is they want it to be true.

43:23 talk to you okay i'd rather talk to someone like you than ever talk about this shit and have politicians on and i've never And get them, fed them, give them at least a micro dose of mushrooms before they make their decisions. What's the difference, though? exactly and so what this is is take me down to make bernie look bad because bernie dared to post

44:56 years in a row for Best Comedy Album, and he just won oh, what are you going to do? Now, if you're a part of a giant media company, we don't even have to say any names, She said that. Were you involved in industry before this? Because Elizabeth Warren was saying that. You're usually cool as a cucumber. The positive thing has been the outpouring of support by so many people.

47:40 Social media is the worst way. A lot of these people that are virtue signaling, these insanely mediocre, untalented comedians. Listen, Louis C.K. has always said the most inappropriate shit that's funny. somehow or another allow people to be more compassionate to each other and maybe we'll Yeah, that's amazing. It's a joke, a Mark Norman joke, in a lot of ways.

49:41 Right, but when you're on Ambien and you're fucking liquored up. the whole flight, you're waiting. You don't buy the Wi-Fi. Well, at the end of the day you know at the end of the day have I made inappropriate jokes and you're like ah last time I was here I made 8 in all the isms. All the It's a little harsh. a transgender woman fighting that woman consensual yes and here's a perfect example of it the ufc

52:34 Oh, yeah? Was he a fighter guy? i'm not i'm not against trans people i think when you're talking This hasn't been settled i think it's justified i think that's one of the ones where people are like, well, yeah, you're winning by 200 pounds. There's more, you can generate more power. right good luck good luck on nate diaz you know yeah well there's a woman who was a woman and

55:26 Wait, this was a woman? the 2012 Olympic Trials. he back then. See, they're saying Has he had any fights as a male? Six-year journey. one issue. That issue is African American women, have dense bones. Yeah. He had something. Who's that? Oh, he was big. Oh, wow. He's not putting his hands up, and he's trapped, so it's just bang, bang, bang, bang. I can't watch that.

58:20 Just one. There's a few. We had On the planet earth today That's a good way That's a lot of it. And the genes. muscle fibers, the size of their They're great. They just seem to have a knack for that pong. Really? Oh, yeah. I could do three days on YouTube with those trick shots. ESPN doesn't have them, and it's like, you never, it's like, I put, I'd set it in my DVR,

1:00:33 pool grift like a like a bar brouhaha like get hustled yeah and then you like snap the the stick I know West End Billiards. I play with professionals. I used to play a lot of tournaments with professionals but I'm trying to trick you. All right. Because it's so, even when it's down, the way I wind down, I like to watch pool. Alright. There's one, there's this Puerto Rican

1:02:22 See, they think it's a movie, and then the real life kicks in. There's a fucking this thing. I mean, it was horrific. You see the guy the next week, he's got that neck brace, you know. and they're mad because their girlfriend's fucking some new guy. i like to booze it up i like to smash some gash and have a good time and do some shrooms and you Ah.

1:04:28 bullied and so they bully people back, you know that old expression, hurt people hurt I would like try to celebrate. Well, it's a thing. Like, you know. huge for the for the title i like when they have a shit talking because i feel weird when they tap But that's kind of crazy that that's his logo. Not sure why Michael Bisping doesn't like my logo. I think he won the, yeah, I know he did.

1:07:03 No. Babies. I hate that. And it is a psychological condition that you also probably can treat. Yeah. and a guy is taking a picture of her taking this picture It's true I bet she nailed that photo though I remember you'd be like oh shit i'm on it corrects the words right like you fucking idiot that could be from a 12 year old or it could be Louis C.K. had a funny thought on this that really resonated.

1:10:06 fuck that guy people have said things I was fucking drunk oh he tried to delete it but I got a photo of it I mean how many times you talk shit about a comic who's a like an animal activist he kicks his dog no yeah and Yeah, well, we're all primates. So many variables that people don't want to take into consideration. Bro, you're right. Right. other whoa and then they call each other you got to take that picture down i don't like the way my

1:12:56 We like, what do you call it? Right. Right. And it's cut low so you can see some of her tits. What is that? I'm the weirdo for calling it out? Just a compliment. Right. The gay guy girl relationship is a special one. It just comes down to the rape threat. So he's not pretending he wants to fuck, or he doesn't want to fuck you when he actually Well, that too, but-

1:15:26 I think if we knew how much girls wanted to be found attractive, they'd be a little embarrassed. It's like being a celebrity man, right? Get the fuck out of the seat. Well, a woman who's really hot has almost the same treatment. Love to have you come. And men fall apart. I mean, when you see a beautiful woman with the legs and the skirt, the cleavage, it's

1:16:58 The only closest thing is, you know, when like sometimes you're about to bang a gal Windows are steamy. The gay F word? If we were alone, you'd say it. These cuts Ah fuck you white boy I knew what one group meant Right? Of course. with nuance. You're not going to make sick people better. And the scenarios in which you're using those languages. But you're a good human.

1:19:50 When it comes to people like you or me, we are in this weird place where we're talking Right, right. And so you say anything And it's a bummer. I think more. It's a weird thing. And the guy's like, it says here in 2016 you wrote men are scum what did you mean by that young like a lot of times you're you're tweeting stuff when you're young and you're trolling and you don't even know what you're doing.

1:21:59 Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah. but it's impossible to be racist against white people. there's also a lot of 20 year olds out there look if you caught me when i was 20 i would be loud and Well, not only that. is inappropriate shit to make the people laugh. But because there's so much content out there, Exactly. but if you say that you could change you could shift of course people and so that's what they were trying to do but all it

1:24:50 So he goes, oh, of course you're not racist. And then they made a retraction, but it's too late. people like him in because he's one of those take the money out of politics guys. But it's funny because when I was a kid, you'd where their bread's buttered. They want more butter. They want more bread. You're allowed to have these relationships. contrived collection of people where or i mean fake people like one person has like 50 accounts

1:27:27 And it's not illegal, right? Two shows. And then people find out about it. That's what corporations do. Doing stuff like that sort of should be illegal. Yeah. And it's all this fucking troll farm in Russia where people are getting hired to pretend Look at that. Like, they made some fucking killer memes that were legitimately hilarious. I guess so. Can you believe this?

1:30:54 They have these accounts. If you wanted to do that You know, a lot of the stuff that happens overseas, like these people, one of the only ways they can get the news out, because the news is locked down in their country. That's the one that you can cut into, the Irish Spring one. I don't trust it. Come on, man. I don't do cologne either you do body wash? What? I don't trust it

1:32:13 It's the liquid I like the bar are using the soap. it's also a weird one wash your ass? Like, where do we stand? Yeah, I'm cold over here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a weird moment. Yeah. And if you try to have sex in the shower, like, who gets the water? Like, where do we stand? Yes. your shorts down a little bit so you can get a little more slipperiness in the slide yeah

1:34:07 I still want to bang, but that whole bullshit, I can't do it. Yeah. You know what was the most depressing thing about being single? Well, you start thinking that you really are into this person until you come, and then he's a biologist and he was explaining to me and there's a difference. Porn star. You can get right to it. So they feel like the best way to definitely get attention without making sure that a man works for it.

1:36:50 and then as soon as you come, she's like, I know. Like, no, that's just how your body's made. And then you're like, ugh. Why don't you bring it? Why don't you win me over? lot of people that are boring male and female i couldn't imagine being a girl and having some A really dumb guy Yeah In the real, like if we really were trying to make a better human race, there would be more variables.

1:39:04 Like sometimes people just have knucklehead genes. You have a right to live. You're out there experiencing life. Ah, my God, and then... so you probably They That you're doing stuff Yes You come home from a hard day of getting after it. That's why sometimes I think us being we're under six foot. It makes you push. So it's not just being shallow. You're trying to make your way through this life with a football player's body.

1:41:43 You got stubby fingers. And nobody wants it. horny lady because she's, He's like, those gals go to work. Yeah, you hope that all That's a good point. Easy times make weak men. actually molested by priests and it's like it's very high that is wild horrible yeah you'd think A lot of porn stars. Sure. It's like when you get bullied, you can channel your rage into getting better at something.

1:44:30 A, that show's good. Is it horror? I don't like He's amazing in Ozark. It's fucking good, man. What in the fuck? Have you ever read Stephen King on writing? Yeah. Coke everywhere. Maybe it was Carrie. Oh, yeah? And then I did it with Chappelle. Because you're not chasing the dragon. I smoke cigars every now and then, and halfway through, I always go, I got to stop.

1:47:15 I just—like, all the negative goes up, and the good goes down. Whatever it is. So it all escalates. Well, there's good things. I hate myself. Demons. No one likes you. You're gay. Whatever it is. The voices are too powerful. But I can't win. I can't beat them. I understand you things that are fucking with you. They teach you what's bothering you. That's what I like. But I can't win.

1:47:57 I got to work on that. Oh I love coffee And they get And this is a fucking shell Flies away. Oh, dude, especially if you're doing many shots. 13? school. It was bananas out there. Nobody wants it. Most trans people I've met are pretty cool, like they don't want to be coddled So much Little people And we're standard play. Right. Trans is becoming really chic

1:50:48 It's tricky, though. Yeah. trip. I remember one of the times I No, I'm telling you. He's eating honey. Disneyland. This is just pretty. Everything's Very pretty. And you're going through and there's Because it's going to be boring Give me a little fast forward and everything is neon psychedelic colors, and the world's melting, You're seeing this is about as close to creating some sort of a psychedelic hallucinogenic trip.

1:53:49 Oh yeah There's a VR What's interesting that you're saying this is that Terrence McKenna There was a way that you could use a public pay phone and you had a device that would Oh, cool. And it was done somehow Oh, this is exciting because I've always wanted to do it. Yeah, there it is. That's going to take over a lot of shit. They have a couple of them somewhere else besides Woodland Hills, but one of them is

1:56:12 So they dress you up. I guess they're not showing the actual footage of the video. So when they claw at you, you feel it on your chest. It's so embarrassing when they show the other one. you out man it's kind of funny that's basically what twitter is you think you're changing the I feel like that'd be a nice way Right. Or that, too. are you crazy you're giving them heroin but it's it's better it's almost like the first guy to

1:58:52 but brilliant guy in a way a lot of ways thinking outside the box i love uh uh different kind of Sing it, sister. It's like it gives you assholes like you and me just saying things that they could never say. I was in my car, driving by myself, throwing the papers out the window. You can listen to whatever you want. Back in Boston. Right. Okay. and that's i think that's why i think it's a big part of why women aren't as aggressive because

2:01:48 Yes. And a guy just sticks his hog but if I put my dick You're cool with that. Because you want to get as much maximum dong shaft. Oh, yeah. Good point. I got lucky. I think I've gotten it four. You go, ah, fuck it. It feels better for them. up or have some balls. Be shamed but they could make it not work just go yeah blow me fuck you i don't care it's not in their

2:04:33 Now it's positive for them She still had it Slut walk number four. I like that, huh? who knows she's hot. And you gotta have a pretty face. Oh, yeah. You know, to pull the short hair. Oh, the confidence you have to have to wear that haircut. Oh, the short hair, yeah. That's a girl who knows she's hot. I think, because of biology. Yes. Like a lot of Latin American countries, they're very open sexually and it's different.

2:06:12 It's Puritan. So it's like, why are we so focused on – let's start with – There's a lot of people that snuck through That's a big one. That's a big one. But if a girl wants to fuck you and she, like, talks you in it and you feel bad afterwards, No one cares. A little bit. I said, you should write a book about dick pics that people send you. I was hooking up with this girl years ago.

2:08:44 And it was. It was my sheets. My shoes were in Mark your dick? It's added me. And it was. Some random guy like Minnesota said, hey, is this your dick? Fuck that guy. Which is fun. You name it, baby. You can't show anything. I think the hot women in America, it's up there. Killing the dream. Are you nervous about your- What about those gays? Right. That's probably why the Bible steps in.

2:11:16 You know, if you're not, you get thrown in the volcano. the real world and drive cars everywhere. They had to walk everywhere. the movies in 4098 are going to be so much more boring we get to watch the revenant some guys Podcasts changing. Yeah. He was going to get an interview, and the guy kidnapped him and turned him into a walrus. That was crazy.

2:13:11 Tusk. I didn't see that coming at all. Was that Dr. Phil? Son of a bitch. We like a YouTube video to be four seconds. He was like, how come our attention span is either seven seconds or three hours? Because it's too long? You got to really take it in. when was the last time you went to the movie theater Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's got only nine movies.

2:15:23 Maybe, but here's the thing. Interesting. You're making money. I loved that movie yeah what was the Django was fucking fantastic. Django was fun. And you get to realize, First of all, he's beautiful. Yeah, if you had to. All right, we all know it's real. He flies private. Hmm? Like man what a shitty life you have Oh really? I did some gigs I want one green room

2:18:17 You know, when you're Jerry Seinfeld, it's like all the rest of us are in this place and he's legend. You've got comedians in cars. larry david's like ah i suck i'm in the way nobody likes me like driving a prius you're my hero yeah I think if you start really believing you're something special, you're fucking doomed. out there and talk to people and people are just happy to see them right that lasts for about three

2:20:08 he's in his head i'm like oh good that's how i am before a special or a late night or whatever yeah But he's not that guy. yeah i mean you get you know like right before you go on stage um he was about to go up there It's a catch-28. then a week later you come up with a line, Right, right. He records quick. I need all the time I have. I see Bill Burr working shit out, and the crowd's like, where's he going with this?

2:22:46 I bomb quite a bit. He would walk in there and just fucking. Don't get too excited. that we're working shit we. We talk about it so much It's amazing. going to be very good. I go to the clubs to work it out. Sometimes I'll come out of the gate with a new bit. Yeah, And get something out of it. and they go, when we saw a lot of this. So I gotta Well, you got to have a hook now.

2:25:02 Yeah, well, ironically, it's straight white male. Yeah, yeah. Okay, so when you grew up and then you grow up and then you're no longer in that fucked up environment and someone calls it to you again, it still hurts. It's just the intent. No other word. enslaved well not only that it didn't have dual meaning like that word also has a meaning that Yeah, it's, you know, the real problem is actual racism.

2:26:55 That's a great point. that's a whole different You have a packed house Yeah. all the people that performed there. And it's a fucking great show every night. And I give it to the door guy. You can now. And meanwhile, people would come building and then these guys are driving Ferraris to work or whatever. Like, I'm working for free. Very young. What about Amazon?

2:29:07 Killer. That's all I want. Oh, hey. It's all branding now. Of course. He's fucking hilarious Really good, man That is a great angle. become one of the biggest comics in the world just through putting his own stuff online and for the I think he'll go down in history as some kind of marketing guru. And he doesn't change his clothes. When I hear that he can't sell tickets in certain markets, I'm like, what are you talking about?

2:32:11 Yes, he's very likable. Because Jeff Ross is such a personable guy, and the two of them together, it's hilarious. oh, the fat guy. Oh, the dumb guy. You're doing Matt Ferris' show? Oh, I'm going to be hurting. i like them but they're all like customized really yeah it's crazy like i never would have guessed They're like mint. That's fascinating. No, we can't.

2:34:01 All right, I will let you drive it. Come to the store. Thanks, man. And we'll let you know Ha ha ha