Joe Rogan Experience #1426 — Justin Martindale Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I'm not supposed to smoke in my building, so. But you can smoke cigarettes in your building, right? Mm-hmm. It's so funny. That's where conservative people. Just hot box? and he's like freaking out. things. I just close my eyes and just What was that? It was up and coming. I got you some Valentine's Day candy. So this is the week of Valentine's, so I get it.

3:02 Right? Just a good old-fashioned mess. but some of them I think are not everything at street level the all all in drag i have socks on my floor so look and we were talking with these infectious disease experts, Well, he wanted to. china dispense disinfectant see here's why i call that bullshit on that how much fucking The thing, I think it was real.

6:39 it is it's it's totally a movie because everyone's got to be locked down in their houses. is the lady this drone is speaking to you could you imagine she has no idea what's going on she's It could be real. Is that a haiku? It's like these things absolutely can wipe out millions and millions of people before And I had to do that to an adult woman, and it made me feel weird.

8:32 They're just like, I have to cough. Assholes. What is that? That's why you have to wash your vegetables. Kills your weeds. It says weed and grass killer. Get it a lot because Don't worry, folks. And he didn't. That glyphosate stuff. Yeah, you fucking lazy bitch. Whenever something happens like this coronavirus thing, and this is just a Tuesday, just like,

12:02 uh, It's perfect. Yeah. He said he was a wreck for like two weeks. Like, I've never seen anything like that. Ugh. Well, they say so many people are on antidepressants and SSRIs and all that jazz that the water I don't know if it's everywhere. It's basically an aqueduct, but it's like a big pipe. I think it goes through Tohon Ranch. Oh, it's Friday.

14:51 You want one of them little mobile things? Lesbian friends are good? She's got Yeah Storage And he's got stacks of this stuff. Bucket rule. Vic Berger's smash cut is fucking hilarious. You told me to do this. So he was banging Jessica Hahn and then Sam I think she had some of that new bulk sampler Imagine eating that. Real cheesy queso. I miss Texas queso. Yeah, how dare you, sir? Real cheesy queso.

18:29 Oh, it was? It's okay. Squirch it? It's nacho cheese. That's what they do. So you always have water Listen, people used to live off wine You have to worry about beaver fever. She gets that beaver fever. Why is it that lesbians have never been able to form a proper neighborhood, but gay guys of gay right i call it home let's that's your spot yeah but if you think about it there's no

22:08 but would you want to go we're gonna go to girlstown can I help you with your trash I have lesbian friends that do a thing called Babes on Bikes where they like- Would it be fair to compare lesbians to cats and gay folks to dogs? Well, I don't know how many dogs you're fucking with. That's true too I think I'm onto something Right. Whoa. Yeah. it like cuts to him tapping his shoe under a bathroom stall yeah yeah that's sad shit man

25:02 And he's like, what in the fucking Sam Hill? Yeah, the the sam hell i always want to say that wasn't the sam hill sean elliott Dim the lights. Yes. Why would you get in trouble? Yeah. Get out of here. I'm like, okay. Yeah. No. She looks like a woodchuck. Yes. And that's what we need more of is when people cherry-pick the Bible like a Jim Baker who's like, you know, or even our amazing Christian commander-in-chief where it's like saying the

29:12 And God was like, look, I don't care about guys fucking guys. You don't wear two different kinds of cloth. Back to hell you go. Wait'm like, wait, what? No. Back to hell you go. torah or the what a great word cloven hoof yeah well you're What a great word, cloven hoof. And what the fuck happened with Noah? came back with some really loosely put together uh commandment that they got from god like moses

31:25 Word. Maybe Job's full of shit. Who's Job? What did Job do? Job like worked. He had something to do with working. Oh, he's lying to me. Jonah was the... Oh, it was Jonah. Jonah in the whale. Didn't pay attention to Bible class. Well, she fucked up. She did. the first place. There's a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross I found one in Colorado recently.

33:18 Those are really tall. You could see the image of this mushroom and you realize like, oh, that thing looks a lot like Santa Claus. almost instantaneously. And that looks he was one of the people that was on the committee to decipher the dead sea scrolls from aramaic to But we are. And I was just like, whoa. the Old Testament, ancient Hebrew, animal skins and they actually had to do dna tests on the animal skin so they could line up the pieces

36:28 What? Because you've seen when it rains, the next day these mushrooms are huge. Because I mean I feel like if after a big rainstormstorm because those mushrooms pop out of the ground really fast so Because these college kids, Duncan, Duncan Trussell and his buddies would go out to the fields and there would be fucking mushrooms everywhere. make it happen it's already decriminalized in colorado my friend shot evans was here yesterday he was talking about it i think they're gonna pull that

38:49 Yeah. Mushrooms. Yeah. Let's go smoke it in the car. And it's there now? mean how many people are vapors yeah exactly yeah it's like that's a vape pen okay cool they don't Jamie, let's try. Look at that. So everything's medical? Get to Texas. Look, CBD is the gateway because that shit is so good for you. Decriminalized, no. Fully bullshit. The light ones down

42:27 God, that's crazy. Medicinal, yeah. They don't really care. Live free or die trying? One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. So what'd you say, nine? I know, crazy. That was a weird night. That's right. It was amazing. Well, people have these ideas of what's good and what's not good, what's going to happen and not going to happen, which brings me back to this Mayor Pete guy.

44:52 But he's also backed by all these billionaires. and a wine cave? Like, yeah, it was like all these like rich next to martin luther king right for civil rights. That's amazing. Yeah. I don't think he's a bullshitter. Things don't make 100 sense anymore yeah i oh that's right how about that fake coin flips. Remember that? Oh, that's right. Was this in Iowa?

47:43 Go full screen, please. Hey, fuck you. That's what they wanted. betting $100 with that guy. He said, It says I'm a cunt. That's not how you flip a coin. He looked at it and he turned it. Yeah. Flip that bitch! literally could Bullshit. Because he's... Right? No, she's too young. Oh, God. She's 28? But here's why that's not correct. She's talking about working families that are really poor and that have multiple jobs

51:18 She's young and single. I just don't trust the government, Did you see the video with I don't know what it came out. That's probably a good point. get coffee this morning i walk everywhere i go it's like i saw like three three homeless people tables so we bounced from job to job because one day we'd go to work and there'd be chains on the And I would say hi to her and she wouldn't respond.

55:18 everyone outside like you do and and she just like barreled through everybody just screaming nonsense and like shit When she got mad, you were like, oh, man, Lotus is pissed. Because we're sexist. someone's just out there, most of what you're seeing with homeless people is people that are severely mentally ill Like, and he got off that. you're always going to be tethered to this thing.

57:48 Yeah. I just hope it works. Tether tuesday hashtag tethered tuesday it's you know like what happens to them if the fucking coronavirus hits and they get locked Think about how many abandoned buildings there are. i mean and some people where they could never get past where they were they were just in a rut and they could never get Where are your parents? One too many auditions. Blew a fuse. Yeah. I had to be 22, 23 years old. And I was like, what happened?

1:00:14 I know. And then you run into comics. When? I didn't meet you until when? And I remember you looked at me and you go, you're the weirdest gay guy I've ever met. And you do whatever you can to just scrounge everything up and do it. no one lives there no one lives oh no one can afford that shit are you kidding me i mean there's That that is. Yeah. Oh, Brentwood?

1:03:17 Fires everywhere. i know i've been doing this for so long i know who i am i know what i've got well do i have to lose and i remember being a kid and being like, what do I have to lose? And I remember being a kid and being like, you should do stand-up because I idolized Joan Rivers and Robin Williams. Yeah. And then they were like, Justin's going third.

1:05:39 i didn't know the process and so mitzi was the one who like passed me. I'm the last guy she passed at the store. And he was like, like Renfaire wizard thing. Yeah. She picked that guy. Yeah? I'm starting to cry. And then I was out here in 94, and first she made me a non-paid regular. Yeah. there was a guy named the todd and the todd had uh he's eventually he developed like some pretty

1:08:31 in the OR. She made me a non-paid regular and I did that for months and then I became a paid regular. It's a cool feeling to – I actually had the moment of seeing her. I didn't get to say hi to her. And she just stared at me. Stamp of approval for her. It's a university you know i mean yeah You're never done. place it's so uh nurturing it is you know it's it's crazy because it's like I'm now on the road and it's my first time actually performing in theaters, which is crazy.

1:12:48 I try to talk to people about what it's like to hang out at the store. I guess. I know about a couple of gals. Do you? a lot of They don't even want to do a spot, but they want to come to that back bar and hang out. He has a house in Beverly Hills, so he just gets in his car and says, fuck it all. It gets infiltrated they'll be there and how do you do this

1:14:52 Get out of here. I started a show there that got picked up. What is it? How did I bump you out? But then- uh no i don't my wife was in the gym the other day watching that. She likes being distracted They go quickly And it was really good. on Naked and Afraid. You know, I mean, Like that, she's really doing something, like genuinely good. Well, yeah, she's in law school.

1:17:38 I think she's actually doing it. bag of bloody clothes you heard it first that's what i heard oh man i don't know if that's true and then I went to the people's choice awards and I had my friend, over and they're sitting right there and i'm like oh like my butthole went your oh look at your jacket kim looks up at me and she slammed me really look at the one at the bottom you, and that's when the security guard almost body slammed me.

1:19:33 And then I thought to myself, I'm like, Justin, what the hell are you doing? guard might think you're fucking insane. That was, yeah. You look clothed. i didn't really get i worked there for two years so i i built this show up from the ground up And it was awesome. Who knew? And then, you know, I used to write for Joan on Fashion Police a couple times.

1:21:09 I'm starting a podcast. Yeah, I'll take the note and do it. What's the fun stuff? That's right here. Yeah. It's like you can perfect example. oh i got blocked by her you did too on twitter yeah tim dylan of course he did why did you get It's kind of an epic thing. She was on her phone She was like checking Instagram I've talked about this several times.

1:23:35 The audience started clapping. to Twitter an actress at the time's mom I bet she didn't. She just blocked you on Twitter. I don't have no idea. Why? it just, we want Justin back. some people are just like you know i did uh what's it called lights out with david spade the other I don't think it changes. good way to talk okay because if someone's in front of you, you would rarely be that mean.

1:26:46 that if they're doing well, you're allowed to shit on them. You're fine. Amazing. Yeah, hiding. Yeah. I would have said the meanest shit to everyone and anyone I could have gotten a hold of. good ad for, oh God, what was it for? It was a cell phone ad and it talks to a mother. It talks having a really hard time recruiting young people that know how to communicate what does that mean

1:29:33 They're on their phone. Is that there's a new way that younger people are getting in touch with each other is that they will take a picture of themselves. and i were talking on the phone it's like i'll take i'll take a selfie i'll be like hey what's A lot of people are doing that. airports yeah that's weird right it's loud and you're talking to the other person loudly

1:31:35 Sometimes. Just want to see where you're at. I would walk into the ocean. You want the big one. No, no, no. God! And 100 times, 108 provide something exceptional. It's so much better. Taiki Wakiti? hilarious it's fun it's really good he's just a cool guy he's the first indigenous person to win That's what I have. It is the shit. it doesn't fuck it's never crashed on me i've had a lenovo keep i've had three different thinkpads

1:35:09 Look at all the stars it has. And by the way, to come home from the store i spark a join up and when i'm you know everyone in my house is asleep Spark a joint, put on some Sade. Every now and then she'll come back. Ooh. a playlist. Oh, yeah. Hey, hey Siri play some 1930s jazz here we go She's fucking with me. That's legit. Black tar. Only the best.

1:38:00 Am I? Out there on the streets? And it'll kill you The writer they're not hydrating themselves because that you sweat because those people will just what it is would be legal to get it anyway and they're going to get it from the fucking cartels and they're going to get it a light bulb i'm like yeah i don't know why how do you smoke it out of a light you just it's like a

1:41:17 Like my body just felt broken, rotted. making a vow to myself i was like i am never doing this again and and then finally it was like You don't think so? It's just like, whoa. Actual housewives. he's like she never eats there's nothing going on down there because there's nothing worse than And I was like, I didn't need to know that. And that is honesty.

1:43:39 Some people can come back from that. Woo. The one. there's a lot going on but if you find the one you can do it right the one that's the one area it's the Sarlacc pit that Boba Fett fell It's just too tight. It cuts off the air pipe. Behold. Yeah. But I think a lot of people in the, I mean, wait, hold on. Girls with big butts. She will labor many moon children and shit why does

1:46:53 Because she wants to model. Kendall's the model. I mean, which one? She's doing fashion week. She's yeah. That's okay. So the one. Oh my God. I can't believe this. Which one's which don't want to say that. She didn't fill her butt up with plastic. She didn't fill her butt up. She's a model. She's doing Fashion Week. So the one on the left is natural and the one on the right is the one she had her face

1:47:45 So Kendall has real ones. And who's interested? I bet both at the same time, huh? I've tried it. I mean, there's a lot of factors, right? like a oh well i think yeah i think i think everybody and that's always been fascinating They send you a different cologne every month. Oh, my God. I got my summer. A little bit of, yeah. Do you put like a tiny bit?

1:50:51 oh god this fucking house is filled with he's he's wallowing in his own filth um no i have i have Hey, you smell good. I don't think he's fat. The bear cave. You should tell them that. In the gay community, those are bears. No. You're not a bear. Chimp. Huh? A chimp? Yeah. And fat? I don't know what you are. What am I? You're not a bear. Congratulations.

1:52:46 That's an issue with gay folks Yeah Cause they got that You piece of shit. The other way. Yeah. What is her thing? Is that an issue? Yeah, she's got We didn't get there, but I knew this was... When I was having a conversation with Bill Maher... because they just feel like she's not in control of anything in her life anymore. She doesn't. Oh, my God.

1:55:12 right next to her pussy that's her caption that one what's going on what's going on with this one yeah 2020 i will be doing a lot more She just does that. I have friends of mine who were supposed to dance in her second residency that she was doing. It's out there. It's real. look at that she's gonna bowl a bowl of strike. Yay. I know. Let me see. You have to take precautions.

1:57:46 Just seems crazy. You know who's all right, kind of, sort of? this morning Bears in Caves and he realizes McCulloch He knows he's gone through something that Do the thing. When did she make it? Yeah. We only have two. Yes. which is not a good sign You're like, hey, bro, you can have them. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Well, I don't think anybody's supposed to be famous and i think being famous is probably one of the weirder fucking

2:01:32 guy from trader joe's who was on like the cosby show exactly yeah what's wrong with a guy trying Like, fuck him. counter at a cvs and i couldn't figure out what he was trying to do but he's being rude to me since and i'm okay but to him i'm not on tv anymore so must be a fucking loser so he's trying It's like a natural human instinct. Look what I did.

2:04:30 ass i'll commit with a side of jalapenos it feels bad it just feels bad even when you're doing it bad yeah you're fucking 12 yeah where your parents and you're a 50 year old loser and you know where and you call them and say don't know i had to call i had to call like whoever was in charge of 50? Yeah. I like how quick you answered. No kids for me, though.

2:07:06 They're just flexible. find out about it I just did a thing. the australia fire relief yeah I found out about it from Bert. Yeah. And I'm the judge. And then, so we got like Ron Funches on it. I know. Yeah. too but i mean yeah i just had to say i love fortune yeah she's great i don't want to leave scream into the vortex Are you at the store this week?

2:09:59 JustinMartindale on Twitter. You got it