Joe Rogan Experience #1447 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Hey, ball hog. You don't need them in your life. Oh, yeah, I go to Erwan. maybe quail eggs I've had. Mm-hmm. Stays inside your mouth. He loves eggs, yeah. He eats well. Yeah, you met him here, right? They're real smart. what that is. Flat face. Yeah, that's That's a good way that you know You know? And I kind of, you know, I had to keep doing the shows, obviously, right?

3:04 Yeah. Yeah. They're the best. Like when I was having coyote problems, I took Marshall out, even when he was pretty young. Coyotes are such fuckers, man. Well, where Whitney lives, in Woodland Hills? Yeah. Pop! Yeah. Rats. Delete the fuck out of your cat, though. I know. Yeah. And we think of them as being these wise professors of the woods for some strange reason.

6:13 It is hilarious. shot the grizzly when it was on top of him no oh dude have you seen it jamie yeah because he's Of the attack, too? Yes. Who's that doctor? Go lower. Dude. And you can see, even in his completely destroyed face, the panic. Oof. If I was him, I would just be the punisher for grizzly bears. We have this image of them because of teddy bears.

9:09 Even bigger. He watched it chase this moose through a scope, was looking at it through a spotting scope, Oh, my God. and then just tore it apart and fat and that Do you know what I mean? With jiu-jitsu, I've tapped guys that are 100 pounds heavier than me. Because even through your gloves, you keep your gloves up, You see them walking around 6'8", 350.

11:46 was like a grown-ass man amongst little kids yeah it was like a third grade class and someone's daddy Break your hip and your legs and everything. Jesus, look at the size of him. This fucking guy, dude, would just, he would just absolutely, you know, destroy, like, break people's will. He's so big. Like he was, there's amazing footage of him just chasing, like his team threw an interception. He's chasing the 180 pound guy down.

13:28 Dude, do 45 reps of the bar, and you're going to feel the burn, man. 700-pound bench press. Look at them all fucking around. There's like that mountain guy, that Game of Thrones guy. Connor fucked him up. He was trying to hit Conor. He tried to grab him. Let's spar. Look at that jumping front kick to the body and then pushed him away. Yeah, he was really raising. Let's see now now Connor starting to punch him

16:06 You're one of the top fighters on the planet Earth, and you're here fucking around with I guess they're not punching each other in the face. He's fainting. He's not letting him give up. Yeah, yeah. Uh-uh. Yeah. But they're trying to set up. Fly everybody in on helicopters. Yeah. Dude, if you guys called sheiks and they would start fighting each other.

19:08 Crop dusted planes spraying Lysol over everything. Yeah. Resting heart rate's low. Khabib would probably be cool with it, too. What? Yes. The same name without the hyphen is actually a medication. That's what they took. We had it in the shed. That's what she said. You probably don't have the cure at home right now. It's a different medication. Trump did not tell people to drink Koi Pond Killer.

22:18 I saw that, yeah. You heard. They want to get him. get want to call people out He's like, that's where it's from. Yeah. Yeah. My children are Asian. Beyond hates. It's crazy. How do you guys go to bed at night? By the way, how great would it have been if Trump or Kellyanne Conway had been asked about the Kung Flu and they were like, are you going to say that's not a funny term?

24:45 Yeah. She yelled, fuck you at her in her face. And if it's an Asian person or a Latino person or whatever the fuck it is. Of course. Something about racism. We went into the Facebook pages of all the people who died and 64% were racist. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he's been in the hospital for over a week. Got pneumonia and the coronavirus at the same time in New York or in LA when he got home

28:41 but he's not out of the woods yet and some of these people that have gotten through this disease have some sort of permanent Asymptomatic. And then you go home, but you just gave it to, you know, I think he's from Africa. I mean, this guy is super healthy. I'm still struggling with serious fatigue and a residual cough that I can't shake. Incredible.

31:19 as they will suffer a great loss of current conditioning through the last training cycle. Did you see how, I mean, they just agreed to postpone, but even like two days ago, Look, that whole thing is a crooked organization. Yeah. Then you can make a living. And then you have these people who are like, yeah, but these guys get a free education. It becomes the image of the school.

33:19 They should be getting paid. And then if you're like a bad motherfucker on one of those teams, they sell your jersey, dude. And we gave you a track suit and some shoes. Dude, it's super fucked. They had a hole in the wall. Well, did you hear me talking about Yoel Romero? No. And they're like, oh, yeah, he's an amazing athlete. He goes, no, no, no. I've never seen

35:51 Yeah. I mean, he was a top of the food chain wrestler. Yes. We were like, everything going to be okay? We hung out. and this guy's like he goes uh oh i'm a big instant family fan when are you going to do another one after, like, a vacation, you're like, Yeah, March, all of March, right? I did a set March 11th. I was doing the main room. and the main room i think holds 400 people so they decided to keep the belly room open which is i

39:01 I go, we can't do it. They were giving Swartzen at some shows in Utah. And then every day we keep pushing things month by month. Damn. No. You're totally right. How many people just have zero check? It's probably like 50% of the Yeah. And I'm reading something about California where they're talking about like shows and So weird. Be weird for the audience.

41:38 The servers. Yeah. I think maybe I'm plugging the wrong guy, but one of those CEOs was like, you know, just push it on down. He was like, because I don't make any money. post-production facilities and all this different stuff. And it's all dependent on money coming in. He's like, I barely, you know, he was like, I make enough money every year to live a good

43:55 Yeah, like that, gone. And then you got to think also, like if someone is doing that and you have, you know, 30 people that you're laying off, those people have to get unemployment. The new ones? and say 40% of the country's out of work. this country but worldwide it's like half the population really like we are not at a real How do you imagine? in Lima right now.

45:55 First of all just shit right there. He's killing me. People are dying. Look at this guy. Who the hell is going to see you? Get out of here. Ciao, ragazzi. Like yesterday It's still like 500 people Of a major country in the world. Smoking, fingering each other. Maybe it'd be a good discount. It's like you wonder what does a country do to sort of mitigate the issues

49:21 real fucking good i think that perspective will last about seven days. You know, places that are devastated by it. Someone trying to be profound? I have a point. But also no one's eating. They have the most ridiculous way of life, and they love that life. Yeah, well, Ari bailed. Well, she doesn't have a fucking phone. He's like, I'm still doing sets.

51:45 Yeah. It's so bizarre. Yeah. at least there's some normalcy and i don't want to overplay that make it seem like we're doing You know? I don't know. I cannot believe I almost forgot this. You're like, what? Yeah, there he is. He died a few years ago. And I'm sure people listening or watching have, Like I, and he thought it was kind of offensive that he was being used to prank or whatever.

56:14 And then I go, I want to give the proceeds to this man's family. So I'm going to blast it out. Jamie told me his dick's not really as big. I didn't get into that with it. So that's my breaking news. That's the breaking news. That's important news. Jamie told me his dick's not really as big. Someone on Twitter. I saw it on Twitter. Show me the original black dick.

57:57 Oh, people are not sending it to her. Anyways. She explained to me. I think you can get more than that. it was like after a scene was shot and then the girl was like is anybody gonna see this and they Yeah, if someone's really dumb and they wind up doing porn, they don't get it. Porns like how many porno videos are there dude? off to every porn ever?

1:00:10 And they go to those. Expos. Have you seen that Netflix series? Unbelievable. and she was like... Went back to work. Are you going to shoot people if they try to take your tigers? Yeah. like and and seeing the guy give the press conference. He's like, he reads, he's like, this, a cat. They're just lucky they got them all. Yeah. They were not prepared for that either. Those cops aren't big game hunters. They're just lucky they got them all.

1:02:40 I was on news radio at the time and we were all held up in the fucking, we were in the break room watching it. That's what, you know what I mean? And they were fully locked up. I remember there was one. Everything. Yeah. Who else agrees with me? And then they find those people, and then they get on a Reddit page somewhere, and they all get together, and then they agree with each other.

1:05:01 I mean, have you ever gone- The parachute's gone, like, right away. Boom. So watch. How gross is it that in a video like that you have to have like, and coming up next, Have you seen like Tom Hanks' comments? Well, because there's like that Is this on Twitter? I think they think that any high a-list hollywood But I just got off the phone with them.

1:08:20 out the truth about me and my family you know being, being in the, uh, you know what I'm Okay. Like any of those big time names, they're like, you're part of the pedophile ring. Again, we need a disease that kills morons. Oh, my God. You should know. He'll be fine. I know. At the survive everything. Everything. He'll be fine. Doesn't he need it? he's like, kind of, yeah.

1:11:45 Yeah. Come on. was exposed to it that much. Deep into his 60s, right? I finally just found that link. He's like, it's deep right now. Is he eating someone's ass? Look at the size of his heart. I think you're wrong, Jamie. Yeah. Yeah. On the road, not being on the road. Being a prisoner, though, to that. He would just stumble all of his words in together.

1:14:31 It was after the Super Bowl or something, right? out there and had conan come and visit him and uh you could barely understand a word he was saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so shocking. Like, you thing is so sustainable. It's so shocking. That's true. Was it alcoholism? Yeah. when the documentary crew was in his house he's like you fucking cunt yeah he kicks her kick the

1:16:57 That book, Post Office, that's fantastic. Dude, yeah. I mean, thinking about it makes me feel sick like to be in bars he would be so vulgar in it too you know i know yeah i really liked it a lot of people did you He's, like, at this bar getting fucked up and getting in fights, Do you have moments with Burt where you're alone with him off camera And he's not sleeping in.

1:19:41 He's drinking at 11. Really? I fell asleep. Tom Segura. That's not a good point. Because he's so big. Yeah. Like Red Band did that too. Yeah. But he's a capable. I mean, we're capable of it you know i go up and down all the time i'm just Yeah, you want a reward for all that hard working out You lose so much weight. All those duck egg selling assholes.

1:22:39 Yeah, you're going to get some messages about that. I have ink. Yeah. There's a volume that's astonishing, right? Yeah. And then I barely made it to the toilet. I think I gained maybe three or four because I went back to eating pasta and bread. I don't think diet is a real big concern. You do. Yeah, yeah. And you feel fine. You have full mental capabilities.

1:26:43 dish and last night i farted so crazy she goes do you You fart. He thinks it's great. Yeah. He goes, you little fuck. He goes, you little fuck. Where are you getting this? Yeah. Call me a fuck. You little fuck. You, exactly. And he goes, well, you're a jerk. And I go, you don't call me that either. Where are you getting this? Yeah. Call me And I'll show it to him. And he's like, yeah, anyway.

1:28:31 What do I give a shit if you're on the phone? Yeah. She'll pull on me. Yeah. They've never seen me perform, but one time we were all in Irvine together and I was doing the improv oh my god it's crazy Of course. Who knows? Yeah, this is it. filmed it? I don't know his name. The audience? Yeah. It is strange. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fantastic. It was great.

1:32:05 What is the scam? they would do it like, maybe like twice a year where they would go sales would go way up because people were wanting to win these prizes. Well, everybody that won and then this whole investigation that's what the series it's a six part series. That's what it reveals is just the scale and the scope I got to watch it. Like an HBO or Netflix to be like, tell us the whole story.

1:35:46 you're like how the fuck did I not know yes dude It's amazing how many people got away with crimes before like DNA evidence. Yeah. I mean, the, the, Oh, That was the other one. That's where I got that song. Nope. They don't realize I killed them all. That's another really cool series. a hot bag of shit uh like walking trial oh my god and for the sentencing when he came in with

1:39:16 He'd be like, get the fuck out of here. That's never going to happen. We had all kind of heard that Cosby was a piece of shit. You'd heard that? So it was probably just getting done. Maybe. I didn't know anything. full-blown like right like rapist that you would read about in the newspaper you know i mean like Yeah, that kind of shit. Yeah. I think so.

1:42:52 Of course. Yeah. Well, the funny thing is, like, so for people that don't know, like, I just, I got a deal with Netflix where they were like, do an English special and then a Spanish special. I just need shows in Spanish. There's like times where the level of fluency goes higher, like especially if I'm immersed, like living. I have my hiccups in that.

1:44:42 I go, She goes, So we, I guess, you know, I don't know. hey, these shows are in Spanish. I go, that's what it says in the fucking on the marquee on the ticket I'm like, yeah, but that's not, you know. Jesus Christ. And that's what it says. Like, you'd never be able to do anything. I have not gone to look at... That's cool. I'd rather come to Saturday show.

1:48:15 Like you have plenty of time to make these 20 minute phone calls to reroute. You have to not engage in the back and forth Yeah. Just try to do your best. Yeah. You never know. there's so many left wing Bernie supporters to do that. And the Bernie bros and this and that. No, that's not true. What's true And there's a lot of them like that. You know, like, and you just, I don't know.

1:51:36 And then they just start running off to the races. Imagine There's No Heaven. Yeah. So then I did one where I go, Okay. Did you have your video you made? were like yeah they did like a parody of it. It was great. Well, the weird thing is, you know, people are sitting around going, oh, people think I'm cool if I do this. Hey, I'm trying to do this. I know.

1:54:49 it's so lacking in self-awareness and so ridiculous i let me tell you what i would do if i was even if Gal Gadot. That's how it ends. You know? But you just leave them alone with a phone. Hip hop hooray. other than have fun. I just read the comments. She was just having fun. And it's like so contrived and super contrived. But we're having a conversation.

1:57:31 What was that? It used to be the SLS, What was it? That was delicious. Yeah. Yeah. Like, okay. So cool. I saw you saying it, A lot of people thought Weili won. Yeah, it wasn't, I mean, they gave it to Wei Li. Just threw bombs. Yes, yes. Benil Dariush and, God damn it. Yeah, there it is. There he goes. Yeah, it was the next fight. That was my first time seeing him.

2:00:48 I love watching a new comic that I've never seen their act before. That's a fully formed comedian, you know? He deserves it. No, you can't. You know, it's just. Let's go hang out with them. He had friends in town. They announced, like last week they said they would reopen casinos May 16th. Wow. The governor of Texas had a take on it, too. Elba. Yes, literally an Olympian.

2:03:56 And they died. it was i attributed Yeah, that's another thing. there's these crazy conspiracy theories that wuhan is like some place where they have some What about avian flu? My brain's slow today. Never heard of that. That. they're imposing now to stop the sale of wild animals you can't sell wild animals in the united Even in this country. It's in the New York Post as well.

2:08:08 This is wild. It's used as an ingredient in traditional Asian medicines He goes, oh, it's not even that. But I'm saying that's, isn't that something where there's like some type of prohibition, restriction against it. But I don't want any. It's 11 million people in that city. You can never trust what the state media says. Cunts. Yeah. You can't test them.

2:11:31 test going right now you could be a great business it would be Jeff Bezos It just isn't happening immediately. Yeah. Don't do that again. What are you supposed to do if you know that you're going to lose all that money? It's a sharp warning. Oh, a sharp warning. A sharp warning. Stop. Don't do that again. Like once that goes public, then you can act on it.

2:12:52 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He said he couldn't get comfortable. Yeah. you have these asymptomatic people how many people died from h1n1 in 2009 No. The whole thing is kind of crazy. Rand Paul's neighbor was right. The neighbor that attacked him, like what? was asymptomatic, and was not aware of any direct contact with anyone that had it. how are they getting tested and why are they getting tested

2:16:11 I think. Versus, I don't know. Like a normal thing makes sense. I've only seen rumblings of the false positives online. Everything. He said people, I mean, I don't know, you know. What is life going to be like? are shut down we can't go to restaurants don't go to movies everything's different a lot of those I'm like, God damn. Anti-vax people are the dumbest of all.

2:19:45 Yeah, people get mad at you. I that there's something wrong with being an anti-vaxxer. Sorry. about coronavirus? If they Roy Jones Jr. is a, I don't know if you know this. Did I hear this? I bet it's like a fist. And his Instagram page is- They're threatening to lock people. Give options. It might just be a meme. Like Seagal, man. He loves them back.

2:22:24 Yeah. He didn't disclose that somebody that he was endorsing. Yeah, he didn't disclose that they were compensating him. But it's by, the best thing to do if you're ever trying to, like, get better at any language is immersion, Yeah. Any conversation you can have is going to help you, you know, maintain it or get better at it. um, and you, Strange. Yeah, yeah.

2:24:50 I thought for a second, like, you meant killed a person. Yeah. they, Yeah. I'm not doing so good. And then I was thinking about this Corona dressing room. I'm like, man, I'm not doing so good. It's so weird. Yeah. But my immune system is amazing, and I shuck it off. As long as we have. The lady licked her finger. It was only 10 days ago? I don't know.

2:27:02 Time's moving fast. Like there's this sense of, oh. a fucking wreck right now. There's so many people at home. What do you mean by ball hog? Yeah, they were already. So they all do it and they really work on guys balls like hardcore, really intense. And I just smiled ear to ear, and I was like, yes! Ball Hogs, better. Ball hogs perfect. Yeah. I would have done it I would have done it you just didn't have the the venue so like we can't we

2:31:19 You're like I wish there was a way you could make yourself do that. But most of the set was from the first show because I was so loose through the next Yeah. It would change everything. Just be such a gangster that you're going to pay double taping money. And then what will happen is I'll go to negotiate next time and I'll be like, these views were pretty.

2:33:03 Because so many people are online. Right. You're planning. That's true. That's right. Get a ranch. I know there's a theory in it, but like that the viruses thrive more You know what I mean? They're eating cannibals. They were telling, one of the get crazy and lawless if you venture out somebody you know could fuck you up no one will ever know The semen warriors of Papua New Guinea.

2:36:27 I definitely want to grow. You know that, what is it called? It's in its own category, I know I am. They ran them through these sterilization cycles two, three times, and the prions were still alive. No, they don't know what And then in the Indian, is it the Indian government? And another one is, there's a couple of them still left in the Amazon. Because they're like, fuck you.

2:39:27 Middle Indian Ocean. I don't think they're cannibals, but they might be. Go get it. I'd like to get the fuck out of here. I'll do it. If we have a somebody I love that guy on the planet earth bye everybody bye