Joe Rogan Experience #1452 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Gregory, how are you holding up? It's the only time you have. You got to hurt yourself. No, I meant for jerking off. I remember once I was at my brother-in-law's apartment in New York. And we come back I'm like, oh, this feels so good. Absolutely. He owns you. drinking and smoking a lot of pot we were like 13 and uh we were in this fort and we all got

3:55 That really is the difference between men and women. That's a horror movie. Everything. It's like where all the grim They'll eat your kids. Going through the woods at night and monsters are hiding and they're trying to get you. of action it can get in this part of town. In real life, they always win. Yeah. They broke into the chicken coop. friends with a coyote.

6:04 I wonder if the mastiff got shit from other Mastiffs. They're 13. He's like, yeah, let's kill the chickens. yeah of course duh i didn't know that until I was 40. So when we separated them, He didn't want her to fly. Yeah. and then bounced right over it and landed on the ground so gracefully. Nothing's stopping that from eating a baby. south africa one time and we're we're taking a hike down to the uh the cape of good hope which

9:35 Could you imagine watching your baby get snatched by a baboon, Baboons do? Dude. And then the puppy tries to get away sit the fuck down where poison food had gotten into the dump and these baboons had eaten the poison food. It was like the hairstylists won. It was more like cooperation and working with each other. Well, I have a bit where I talk about hyenas and like matriarchal animal societies.

12:41 So the females got more powerful. are not a single-celled organism. a totally different thing and it seems like we are to me. I mean, if you just look at the difference between, like this, this dope-ass chimpanzee skull it's so impossibly strong. Right. correctly was correct uh connected to the mass of the bodies. And not tall, right? They had like real, like the difference between human, like homo sapien bones and Neanderthal

15:27 get into places where they could escape? But the bones don't look too much bigger. And then there's a few of them. If you think about, you know, God willing, this species goes forward as far as you say, 10,000. Do you want to play a game? They just didn't see it coming like this. But it's pretty fucking incredible. I think Mississippi is like, fuck it.

18:12 like, We are not California. We are not New York State. It's a little sneaky. But we're not Louisiana. powerful. You think about how Texas is a totally different Mm-hmm. the Texas Rangers, which were created to try to combat the Comanches, And they basically fought like the Comanche. That's a deeply rooted, independent place. I've heard about that book.

21:39 It's like Heart of Darkness. They go down there and they start going after they would go in Yeah. the cartels you gotta that a death sentence. And then you That's right next door. have saw it coming. It's a resource issue. I get it. get out of a bad situation? What have you been doing with it? I refuse to let you call it the workforce, us being a part of the workforce.

26:05 never been happier with my family. Never felt closer. We're having amazing memories. We're Do you want more property? And then you go, why? Look, I just wake up. took a big break I had knee surgery I had my ACL reconstructed. My left knee, the first one I ever got. With crutches on, I did stand-up. and go back then man so how are you dealing with this shift in the paradigm

28:57 But also because I'm one of those people that I very highly value recognizing we have zero control over the whole world Okay. supposed to be that's how people are supposed to live. And then the second feeling, which is almost as strong, is like, I always feel like apartments are really lonely, which is a weird feeling, right, to have when you're looking at something that has thousands of people living in one structure or hundreds of people or whatever the number might be.

31:21 You don't get too tight with people that live next door. Maybe it's changed since this conversation that I had with him. at your pool. And he's always like, He's so hilarious. fucking funny he wrote two books he's like a jim norton is a legit author yeah and i was saying He got a trailer. And he'll be getting residuals for the rest of his life. Adam Sandler movies.

33:41 Adam Sandler has like, I don't know how many movies that are really, really funny, but surprisingly funny. But ultimately, in the end, it was like a really positive movie but dude there are hilarious moments in that movie where i'm like wow this You can forget how fucking funny that movie is. Yeah. It's an absurdist, ridiculous style. But it's weird.

35:43 You know, Pink Floyd has their own style. They take sketches and characters from the And so a lot of them are, you know, even like It's Pat. It's hilarious. He's in Chuck and Larry. I can't imagine he was more than 19 or 20 years old, He understands how to put diarrhea in a punchline. They put makeup to change his eyes to look more like a Japanese guy. He has Japanese eyes on. They put makeup to change his eyes to look more

38:00 It's supposed to be over the top and ridiculous. You know what I was thinking about the other day is like, I watched, what was the show Is that what you said? How do you say that? thing but I think you there's a loophole there's a cross-pollination loophole What was the TV show that she did that was so fucking good? overplay it. No, she nails it. It's very hard

40:10 to give too much of it away because you really should see it it's it's pretty fucking incredible in or something like that and it's when yeah um that that does happen right you know there's For sure. Dude, that, the way they shot that, the way they shot that where they, you know, you're Oh no, It's a series of Italian books this woman, Elena Ferrante, wrote.

42:27 But it's—which all sounds really fucking boring, but it's great. Yeah, my grandmother spoke it. There was some weird shit in there. Yeah. And he'd put some of these guys in his movies, God damn it. Yeah. The guy that ran- He was running the comedy club way, way, way back in the day. Yeah. He's got an amazing tomato sauce, by the way. Yeah. How do you say it? Arrabbiata? I don't know. say that. I only read it. I never actually say that word. How do you say it?

45:52 Your grandmother still alive? She made it for 12 years. to uh to the to new jersey um from boston oh that's right. When I first had a, when I remember when I left Boston for Yeah. they had to get rid of yeah but chichi lived in the in the uh garage in the attic rather I can't remember if it bit my sister or my cousin. And then they had to put Chi Chi away.

48:24 Oh, that's amazing. And that's where they were living when I came to visit them. Yeah, you can get some ridiculous Italian-American food. italian americans it was a different breed because it it was the psychos that wanted to get on boats. Twelve of them came over one at a time. No like address, no fucking iPhone giving you directions They had nothing. They were coming into Ellis Island with nothing. Nothing.

50:52 Yep. Just guessing what's over there Let's drift across the fucking ocean while we're drunk. They had to leave these people on the boat for 40 days to make sure they weren't- But back then, they didn't even know when the plagues were coming or what it was or and they would inject you with it, they realized that it worked as a vaccine if you gave a very small amount.

53:01 Jamie's the fastest one-handed Googler on planet Earth. and there was a scene from it where they were What was the polio vaccine? And what year was it? Fuck! He had a law degree. where they're running exams on them in one of those medical theaters. That's when Benicio del Toro becomes the wolfman in front of all these people. They got them all strapped in

55:28 Ah! They want to get freaked out. He's the creative director for Doom, which is Doom Eternal. Like you're ripping people's heads off because it's so, that's right because it's a comic book so it doesn't after a while you're kind of laughing Is that more disturbing? Here's a perfect perfect example than silence of the lambs the silence Nobody gets even slapped in the face.

58:22 and it's all about her trying to defend herself and so she she turns off all her she smashes all their light So they scrape some pus off of him, and then they inject it into people. because was it the polio vaccine? I had it from the time I was a baby. I think it was a polio vaccine. Hopefully we're going to have a mark from a Well, there was another guy that died recently on a bus that they identified as having a

1:01:11 What do you think would happen, like imagine some guy gets corona and he's And now he has this moral obligation. Marty? Put peanut butter on my dick, see what happens? Right. Oh, no shit. Dude, my brother-in-law, he's a cinematographer. Breaking through and establishing dominance inside this poor fucking creature's eyeball. and he's poking at it. And like they're freaking out.

1:04:53 Yeah. Yeah. And so they come out. When does it become a bot fly? It's a monster. Yeah. if it was at scale. That's the thing about Look how big that is. Hold on. Jesus Christ. Look at the size of good on that. Oh, my God. There's more than one bot fly. Jesus Christ. Four of them. And then we would sell them back to the pro shop for like 50 cents a ball.

1:08:54 no no I've been lucky He sent me a picture and a video of this fucking thing. Yeah. The way pythons have decimated life in the Everglades is kind of like a little bit of And they also eat alligators. And if you made it valuable, you fucking knuckleheads, people would go in there and kill those fucking It should be something that we... Let's just do that. Or sell it!

1:11:15 You're in alligator country. And the alligator just jacked him. Isn't it fucking great? so one in 10 guys yeah but look at the size of these things they're killing man look at the What's going on there? It's not supposed to be there. They get so big, man. You should kill them. Oh, my God. Yep. and we're not speciesists. They're eating people, right?

1:15:11 Biting you and pulling you leg first into its fucking mouth. You got to kill them. How a giant python swallowed an Indonesian woman. She was 54 years old. They carried it out of the garden. Is it just California that made it illegal? Okay? Why? Yeah. Python pants. Yeah. Oh, yeah? Yeah. They go feral too? When they go feral, they become a completely different thing. Oh, yeah?

1:18:46 Well, they ain't shit compared to these wild bulls. Yeah. There's no natural predators there. it's like it's going to look like a bull. of ways. You know like patches like a patch of brown a patch of white. Weird looking. Wow. Yeah, they look almost like dogs in a lot of ways. You know, like patches, like a patch of brown, a patch of white. Plus, I'm not shooting anything dangerous.

1:20:37 They're freaky looking, man. Yeah. Yeah, like that. See how widespread. See, that's a water buffalo Look at that thing. I guess herd. Yeah. Animals are weird when they get free. Yeah. And they're all chasing her, trying to pull it out of her mouth. But I've never seen anything attack as lustfully at meat as a chicken This is a mouse Just starts tearing it apart, man.

1:24:22 They're more complicated. You ain't never petting a chicken, bitch. Is that a rat? See, they're moving in close. I don't find nothing in this fucking grass, but that dude is right there. The rat said, okay, I'm going to start this party. cat-derived, right? Maybe. Yeah, they used to get up there fast like but Like, whoa. Oh, no shit. Yeah, yeah. Not picking up on it.

1:28:21 flying on top of the chicken coop you have to chase them off like what the fuck are you guys doing yeah like acting different they were like bold they were swooping store that sells exotic pets and they have these things called pinkies. So this demon is eating babies in my house. So we took this one baby mouse. I'll spare you and I'll bring you in.

1:30:25 Wow. It says this guy was eating breakfast, and he saw this other guy. You remember that? We got these fucking huge crows. He's like, that's my fucking possum, dude. if it was coming at you. Yeah. Right. They're like a lightweight boxer. And this thing weighed 25 pounds. Wow. Imagine the pterodactyl days. Whoa. That's how big it was. what that was. It was an Aztec

1:35:07 Now, see, this is a god, the feathered serpent, a name for the feathered serpent deity of the ancient Mesopotamian, Mesoamerican culture. and you're looking up and you see a 35 foot bird. Right area Just million. Oh! So that's That's nine feet. No shit. And watch them smash. Pulls it off the side of this wall. Eagle fell, bounced, had this goat hit it in the head, bounced.

1:37:52 one thing to worry about right now Right. Albatross has a Mostly fish, right? And this even says a condor with a 24-foot wingspan. Yeah. if they were too big to even fly, maybe. but it scared the shit out of me yeah and it's flying and fly away with it. All right. Shoebills are close. Please don't do that. Please don't do that. I'm going to bend over and pull up my pants.

1:41:23 What is it? Look at that one right there. the congo and the shoe bill lives in the congo and in the in the congo the shoe bill eats this right that's the that's the missing link for evolution the first animal that uh first fish was it used to be grasslands. So they can swim underwater as much as 100 meters. Yeah. No, no, no. wait you're like is it this i'm like bro that's a sandwich

1:44:42 Yeah, you were telling me that. I was going to tell you a crazy fucking story. Is that what that one's called? Yeah. You know, we're just real fortunate that we're in a place that is We can literally count the number of mountain lions we have in Los Angeles, a fucking bear. Just one bear. from living things. Either vegetables and fruits or animals.

1:47:03 Since corona? You get a few families to chip in. This sounds so like out there, but it's like that's literally how 95% of the world lives. He would grow spices and all kinds of shit. There's no eggs. They ate nine chickens in one day If you're doing that by keeping chickens, you're going to have more coyote interactions for hours with a bow Hey, I killed your friend. I'll kill you too. You should have chewed its head off. I was going to throw him over the fence. Like let these cunts know. Hey, I killed your friend.

1:50:20 I'm not a fan. He's like family. everybody too. Everybody he meets, let me check. Let me check the news. I was like, oh, are we still shaking hands? Especially the toilet paper thing became totally random. it was a panic on toilet paper. Or like those little tushy ones that we had that was a sponsor? Woo! Why not go big and just get one that's like—

1:53:30 Ooh. No, it doesn't. you're an asshole. Yeah. I know. So what's the point at which you're supposed to go in? Well, that's the thing is that the flu is still here, right? Protects you better than not having anything. I mean, that's the only thing you would need medical care for, right? Is it? who's in a battle with this lady it maybe i don't know bro if you have a husband that's a millionaire and you raise tigers and

1:57:35 Can we see your tiger? This tiger ate a human. in the meat grinder, from the movie Snatch? Alan Ford. It was supposed to be in the movie theaters, but then the COVID hits. About wearing suits? Matthew McConaughey and Hugh Grant. Lock, stock, and two smoking barrels. Let's see his thing here. Are these all his movies? And then the thing hit. Not all of them, but enough so you're like, oh, shit, this is a movie movie.

2:00:44 Before, you'd have to go to the DVD store and get the fucking COVID-infected blockbuster Wow. Bars and restaurants probably took, and comedy clubs took the biggest loss. acts are gonna come down to clubs because nobody's going to be coming out. It's very possible. That alone makes you want to wash your hands more. And every time, I forget whether or not the statistic is bullshit.

2:03:16 building wells for the pig oh really yeah oh wow he's been there he he's a fighter uh fought for But in the meantime, he's gotten malaria three different times. And that the common cold is also a type of coronavirus. Oh, well, that's way different than 50%. It's still a lot of all the people that have died ever. But the problem is once you do that, you let that cat out of the bag.

2:05:30 Yeah. people were worried that mosquitoes I mean, it's easy to kill. Foam. What were we just talking about? And the same as mad cow disease made the jump to humans, who died of mad cow disease, Shit. Who's a biologist, who's explained, and a wildlife expert explained all of it to us, chronic wasting disease and then it'll rot away and spitting out the stuff and then other deer

2:09:26 Wow. And it's like right now, it's like this like silent thing that they're just keeping an You're gonna eat it eat this deer sausage that came from a deer that has CWD, but it's never made the jump to people, so have the sausage. are eaten each year. And that number could rise by 20% annually, according to the Alliance for What if that's the only people that survive?

2:11:33 Meat eaters would get a Velcro man bun and put it on just to get through security. different horrific... pandemic. H1N1 was considered Yeah. Fuck, I didn't know that. It says estimated 151,000 to 575,000 people died during the first year. Swine flu, 12,469 deaths in the United States, Is it? Overall death rate was 7.5% with a peak in January 2018 of 10.8% fatality rate.

2:14:09 So that's what I'm trying to find out. Well, 10%, I think, We have flu shots. and five times more contagious. it infects deaths and sickened up to 41.3 million people, according to new estimates. That's what's crazy. It's definitely worse. And how many of them are getting sick? And corona seems to affect the elderly more. It might be people that vape might have an issue.

2:17:29 We'd be dead from just constantly having our hands on our pants. Women would want us to get our balls cut off just like they do to dogs. That's the obvious next step for people. going on about gender that never existed before. We're all going to be chicks, man. But at least we're going to understand why each other's are mad. And we're going gonna be jerks man but at least we're gonna understand why each other's are mad

2:19:05 Yeah It's a different Like an 18 year old kidold kid, like, fuck! You couldn't be in a room with a nun without having a dirty thought. Yeah. listen bro some girls are dirty i remember this girl that i dated when i was 17 we were both like like she was crying We're old broken down jalopies Do you think so? Like Ex Machina. And he's like, you really like me?

2:21:57 And the robot would kill both of them. Did you see that movie? Ex Machina? Yeah. yeah it's great the end scene is like whoa of course why would they have emotions so She got in shape for that role. Imagine if that was the only thing they couldn't do. Tomb Raider? meet us halfway yeah it's got to be exact. And she's hot as fuck. Because I see a boner right now. she's a super hot porn star looking yeah lady

2:24:39 Interesting thought. The real one, I get twitches sometimes. Like, do it with your real hand. This is weird. Yeah. I don't want to get jerked off by the fake one. Yeah. Like, I want you to do it. Like, do it with your real hand. Commit to someone wants to put a vibrator in your tank. Yeah. Everything about her was just kind of manufactured and, you know, just perfect.

2:26:08 I'm like, all right, let's crack another beer and hang out for a little while. Yes. So he would just get checked at every TSA. Perfect gal. Yep. Let's do it. Every time I get a phone call from Stan Hope, it's like, oh, yeah, I hope he's drunk. Yeah, he met this lady down in Tucson. Anyway, she got him to stop drinking for a while, start eating healthy, start exercising,

2:28:27 Yeah. So he's doing yoga, living a clean life. It's where there's the most cases in the country right now. And they're saying there's less deaths in China than there are here and less people infected? Damn! 200,000 people dead? Well, did you hear Only 3,000 deaths, we have more deaths That's a good question. But it makes sense. Yeah. Or got like a 27 out of 18 holes.

2:32:26 I forget what it is, but it's like it entails several holes in one in one round. He said he got a 34 The king of Thailand is sequestered in his palace with his 18 girlfriends. The king of Thailand had a girl that was like his number one girl. They can't go anywhere and stay put. but I think Yeah, he made her bow down in front of everybody. That was one video.

2:34:52 living like that to put behind her ear Whew. Maybe he's got the best time of this coronavirus. 20 women. we've got a couple of years With golden underwear on. Yeah, he just left. they've got the same rates of infection as everybody else. Well, Sweden is a good example of how it's not flat and it's going up. And there are a lot of cases in San Francisco, but—

2:37:48 Everybody's bumping into everybody on the streets. I mean, it's one of the cool things about New York City. about, the 2017-2018 Yeah, like you see a picture of dudes Or do you think there's no normal? While we're down, if you want to do regular podcasts, let's do them all the time. We're all getting to hang out on a regular basis. This is great. But that's just what it is now.

2:40:37 Yes. Right. just... Me and... You know my buddy Mike Gibbons? It's on the FitzDog Radio site. Tim has always got his Meghan McCain impression. That's right. Yeah. He's got that Long Island sense of humor. He just doesn't give a shit. The best form of it. Yeah. You can be creative about it. You can just take whatever life force you have and, you know, look at what are the possibilities here.

2:43:50 and it's not good. What, what makes me more concerned than anything is what is life going much different than it was, you know, even 10 years ago. It's an international economy. It is, I mean, for a lot of people, if that's possible, that would definitely be preferable. That's a good point. I mean, I have a couple ideas that I wrote down, Make sure family stays safe.

2:46:42 Now it's June. When this all goes back, Dude, and we're running out of condoms. environmental regulations, as they do here. And we've got to figure out a way where we make them where we have a – and they have worked well in a lot of ways, but they also have huge problems. And there's got to And let's learn from this. Yeah. And then we're going to come out of it having a better gauge of what each of us needs individually and as a country.

2:50:11 Military's in the streets. Yeah. Oh, we got stupid. is apologizing about it now. and you think about the sheer size of China and so they're basically harvesting animals that aren't normally eaten, and there's a lot of bat shit, and the animals are eating bat shit. Official asked the Thais for help, only to be and someone else was asking for stuff Meanwhile, I was watching, there's this guy,

2:52:57 He doesn't play like he used to when he was at his best. And I'm like, wow. How many places in the world are like this? they're beekeepers yeah what's your uh what's your uh uh regimen for exercising during this? Yeah. But there's plenty of videos if you don't online. Those are great. What do you mean, like a handstand? They're all just all body weight, no weight, no added weight at all.

2:56:08 50, holy shit, I'm halfway there. no he was on fear factor once and uh the most fit guy we ever had on fear factor by far like you do Wow. Those rubber bands are really good too. One kettlebell, one 35-pound kettlebell. There's a ton of YouTube videos that'll give you an amazing workout with one kettlebell, one kettlebell, one 35 pound kettlebell. And these, these like the series of high intensity workouts from a bunch of different instructors. No shit. There's so much. Yeah, man, free.

2:58:16 I mean, every day you can get a fucking ferocious workout in a bunch of different ways. I just like, I could just see shit going wrong. Brutal ab workout. No shit. You know? We do. Everything. No shit. Mm-hmm. no shit damn yeah what's going He's very strong. There he is. Now that I think about it. Man, I guess he's probably like 5'11", 5'10", 5'11".

3:01:38 You know, his father's one of the best bow hunters on planet Earth. So his son's a fucking savage too. look at his shirt. That's where the Mountain Ops gym? You're going to the animals. The hard part is, well, not always, because sometimes you're deep, deep in. and you're at 8,000 feet above sea level, No, the Moab 240. Wow. Wow. but when you run that far

3:05:00 He was running a marathon every day. for like almost a month I mean destroyed. destroyed. You gotta have some serious Keep going. Was he doing it in high-heeled shoes? What's that? They're like, you'll get killed. They'll rob you Make humanity great again. He had a red hat that said Supreme in white letters. He just walks around L.A. That's one of my favorite shows, though.

3:08:10 That's really good. I know. what it's like to be a person that this is a we have a vulnerable existence that's what i want sure people have health care, making sure your education is covered. Expand that to the whole country. Yeah. And hopefully that's what comes out of this. All right, friends, we'll be be back much love to you all