Joe Rogan Experience #146 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I'll tell you what, folks, maybe I'm in this shit for results, placebo or not, I'm in this should we just say yeah yeah yeah it's brilliant it's a bro tell me tell me they did a study i Yeah. and she couldn't get placebos yeah yeah he um he wrote it's called the biology of belief and i ran into his uh i believe it's that we somehow or another have little triggers in our body that we don't know how to push

2:54 Okay, let's stop. The only thing is save the baby. And you got stuck on the tracks? Why is there an episode? If there is that video, Powerade should sponsor it. It is weird how some people just have way more physical strength than others. all wolves all wolf so that what they just bred it just like they breed them now they don't have of dogs that we have today. We have a weird

5:29 That's scary. Well, they get to packs, and then they all grow up generation after generation in the woods. And that's the same feeling I got. scratching his back yeah so he's standing full up and scratching his back. Why do you think he stayed longer this time? that guy's manic. Bear Alley. And that's what happens, man. Yeah, they show that. Yeah. and there was just a few bones.

8:29 can even wrap our heads around Right there. There's water right there. really grab each other that's what it is man I'm hitting on yeah for a chance goodnight yeah and then dudes will get douchey with you I'll see you guys later. Smart. I'm just like, I don't want to deal with this. That's a healthy way of living things. You're not really angry at me.

9:48 keep their weed under wraps, Jew. Has anybody ever called you a Did he give you ample opportunity to get away? What? Yep. They pull up with a satellite on the roof and shit. I'm like, oh, she's pretty. Yes, Mark McGuire. That guy, yeah, he was doing that. Why are you in my lowly hosting genre? Please do more of that. You don't have to rely on other people.

13:38 Dude. Why you got to hate, Screech? I've heard him on Stern before. Hey look Hosting is really easy She does this show Destroy. it again, Shafir. I was at Walmart special Olympic shirts now I know Yes I'm saying it right now I mean, has our society really truly evolved or are there just these hot-button words now that people choose to act on? disgusting. Their bathrooms are 50 times worse

17:22 can get unlucky dude you could totally roll snake eyes the lid up if it's one of those. Everybody in Boston. A gas station yeah Leaning back. A puma pose. His shit and his ass all over the car. and I don't even flinch. really? that was so way more over the top than anything we ever did before. about that big and what you do smush it up yeah i grabbed that bitch by the center and just stuff

21:15 This won't hurt me. It's not bad. I think the grossest ones are those big green, if i don't like it initially i don't like it initially, I don't like it. Yeah, you're going to force yourself. And we cut open one of the fishes and all these egg things in there. i don't think so what happens when you do you barf of actually on the open sea wow yeah then we grilled on the beat on the on the boat it was so funny he's like i can't

23:34 Because salmon has a potential for parasites. And the only way I know. It's not worthy. is so good that Because farm-raised cows It's like a game animal almost. it's the same as pretty much you're telling me about your fantasy football team well you know Yeah. I love the fact that you can go in there It's a good feeling. What's so weird is this one guy came in there.

27:09 it had to be folded like all the lines going to murder somebody. Really? I'm going to fuck somebody up really fuck somebody What I didn't know, though, is... And when it goes wrong, they grow like three times the regular size of muscle. And have you ever seen the dogs too? I'll find one for you just because you need to peek at it. Maybe. Take a look at this real quick.

29:45 For folks who don't know what this is, I'll try to put it on the Instagram. No, I never saw it. And they were fucking ridiculously awesome. When they were regular dogs, were they cool? If it was, you could jack them with the Hulk serum and fucking see that's not real if it was you could jack them with the Hulk serum I'm the Hulk dog iron man like vest and stuff like that and one of the things was the

32:10 No, I think it's from the first movie. and we were all standing outside waiting around during time ago. And we were all standing outside, just waiting around during a break. And he's still just staring at me. I'm really excited. Do you work out? Yeah, just giant muscles in your arms like this mutant kids that you see once in a while Make fun of the man.

34:04 You didn't know anywhere around. It looks pretty creepy, man. Oh, son. There's been a few werewolf movies that have been kind of fun over the years, That movie rocks. And they knew how to do it back then. in london people i guess it's john landis and whoever else was involved in john landis did that They went with this Lone Chaney Jr. look from whoever the fuck the original Wolfman was.

36:27 So what do you like, Don Knotts? Yeah, my point is that movie was from 1941, man. as that version of it. so use him to embody the beast and then you'll do some cgi like his legs were cgi'd so they bet and as he's going on this escalator up you see the thing at the bottom of the escalator and that ends the scene. And then you hear the thing in the background making this crazy noise and he's running and you can't see it he sees it and you can see it in his eyes and he runs and then you hear the thing in the background making this crazy noise and he's running and you can't see it and and then finally in the

38:35 I forgot what I was just saying. is so fucking weird. Inca fucking If this was like a pyramid and they came in here, we're like, I can see you buying that giant hood and putting it somewhere. It's at two grand now. where it's like people, Like little bots the door for hoaxsters well you know what a bot is yeah it's bullshit what a bot is is like sort of your point here's

41:27 see, it reads the code. at all times. And I've played with people back to the original nice dude never knuckles's very nice, dude. Never. Knuckles on that. Just to be a dick. Brendan, B-R-E-N-D-O-N, Walsh on Twitter. I'm interviewing him while this is going down. this weekend? next Thursday, the Improv? Just to lend support. Has it dared to win some will?

44:04 My grandmother was supposedly psychic She would yell at him and he would go, all right, all right, all right. it could have been total bullshit And it started out an all-Italian neighborhood. His ghost? Yeah. And that was like where I was You're not even there. You're translucent, bro. They never find anything? One of the first threads I ever did on your message board was my sister, I think it was.

47:13 It's not in your archive thing anymore. Okay. know what it is you probably know it by something some other name you know what i mean like yeah little orbs. that that positive energy actually manifests itself in these spheres, but that you cannot see it. there there's definitely a lot of weird shit that happens on photos that aren't that isn't dust but

49:58 in the camera by the blur like how the blur is and so it tries to reverse that and straighten Constantly streams it? it will automatically take a photo using the front camera. Yeah, you control it from your mobile me account or whatever it is. that um thing they had that video they had on the on the um voice control was incredibly amazing You know, that's just going to happen.

52:16 or linux or something like that because then you could make like fuck mods right you can have some You could have a program. Maybe like three condoms on her, Don't get me wrong. I mean it's not just an issue of fucking equals making people thing. crazy to like cheaper to own a gun have you been joe you say that but you know what man it sounds That's the issue.

54:52 Yeah, but it doesn't mean that your relationship has to be like that. carpet that's what your loads smell like for like a week or two you know how that smell when you you hear about somebody who's got some setup somewhere Oh, they both work and one little... Yeah, no. Weak-ass bitches. And it started closing at 2, and then it just closed completely?

56:57 But it was an awesome old seedy place. and it was like 2 o'clock in the morning 16 Candles See Michael Hall. It's dying right in front of me. I won't accept it. Now I don't even care about it anymore. I'll call you right back. I had to talk to him real quick They're going after medical marijuana Your phone's off the hook. So I think if you do do it by the book,

1:00:01 was eradicating the evil people that hurts no one and you're paying attention to that's the problem you know what i think this people don't want it there as much as they want it. like you're not allowed to Wow. I think it's, you can't smoke in public places. I have no idea if it's less or more people. Tobacco industry doubling its marketing spending.

1:02:49 UN Food and Agricultural Organization. It was like, I would never try that. Really? I was ragging. And so like I was in the car and- this is why you always talk that is he always said that he would brian gets pie-eyed everyone's like That that affected you? So carbon monoxide was leaking in there? It's supposed to be like a chimney. I think how I originally said it was like, yeah, I think it definitely made me have a slight little stutter or a little thing

1:06:12 I talk the exact same. I really think if you – I think it helps you form sentences better. really you guys are all really focusing on me getting really stoned and then two seconds later sitting down and talking My stupid actresses still sound really smart. I never thought about it that way. Some of them. comfortable there yeah because otherwise they wouldn't watch it the news is on the other channel

1:08:35 like, oh my god, this is... Oh, I bought a lot of shit from that guy. Robert William Aparvaya. He's a schizophrenic, I guess? Yeah, me too. And I'm like, I felt so bad. I like Robert some sort of college basketball team So he hates Jay Leno. If I have like a roach left, you know, this blonde, weird, shaggy hair and a weird mustache or something. Like one of the number one Indian actions.

1:11:38 Like you're like, it's the best thing you'll ever see in your life. He's been doing it Oh, all right. I love Don Barris. They laughing. what's up black people. and it ruined the next five hours of show oh no everyone who went in there was like what's with and half like a psychology experiment dude kravitz goes out there sometimes and it's so hard to take.

1:13:52 When I saw him, he was like on the tail end of that. times lately that i've been going there and this is like prime not prime i guess but like you know Are we watching this awful shit? that's exactly what it is like they've been beaten you can't you just can't keep beating me let me do it he goes if she lets you do it more than once watch how much quicker it makes you on

1:15:51 keep all these people, you know. and then bring on the next awful. at least he got the crowd going that fucking microphone the worst thing ever i think about it later i'm like yeah that's terrible because it smells sometimes yeah even opposite from the way he intended it. Here's my take on it because I thought about it. The results of you changing the way you think,

1:18:23 and I don't think it's an either or. You're going to struggle with it, and then they come to this wireless frequency that we're tuned into God where it's like if God knows what we're going to end You just know what's going to happen. Power? That's when you are at your best, right? It's the guy who won the Oscar. But they said when he was playing the thing

1:20:56 Yeah. Oh, look at that. something you tune in. I didn't do it. You bounce them out on stage, or how i'm going to do it i just start writing like if maybe it'll come out funny maybe it'll if you're thinking about like whatever it is i don't know the skull. It's hard to keep your concentration, too. If you're thinking about whatever it is, I'll say it again.

1:23:12 But the problem is, in everybody's brains, there's a laziness where it's like, yeah, but what am I going to write for an hour? And you always have 10 minutes. You can put in 10 minutes. want but just every morning 10 minutes and it seems so foolish if you can't put in 10 minutes Even if I don't talk about that on stage that night, the fact that I'm working on new shit just gets...

1:24:55 Yeah. Yeah. He started thinking he deserved it? It's a great fight. His instructions are very clear. And he's like, all right, he's breaking now. All right, soften him up. He's screaming what Mayhem's really all about. They're doing those fights at the same time on television. They used to do it on a different... Oh, really? He says they should come in and

1:27:28 You are both. Like, good day to you. Weird shit is that, man. The Incas didn't know about the horse. No, no, no, not that. and created the Great Lakes and all that shit. Yeah. We're talking about 2500 but they definitely had people that were here. Everybody sort of we go with a buffalo go dude what's where's your house for the buffalo is for the short period of

1:31:33 Animals everywhere. Bigfoots. or the uh yeah this video too uh the image of the bullfighter that got gored in spain oh yeah And this gazelle, this guy's taping his buddy ahead of him. they make noise like this yeah his helmet shattered yeah just a hole in it we're like yeah that's what And he just saw him at the last second because he was speeding faster than normal, I guess.

1:33:51 He's carving through canyons. Boom. That's what happened to Harris. You don't know what the fuck is going to happen. What are those like ninjas? I mean, it's like, what a massive risk-taking event we have on our highways. Oh, yeah. Especially those dudes with those big, crazy, fat Harley bikes. the stairs in Philadelphia hey look at. I'm on a loud motorcycle.

1:36:19 The crazy handlebars that are like super tall. but like you know you get like a balanced road bike those tricycle motorcycles look fine i need Does he have a special or anything out? I don't know. the years you know it oh yeah we all know them We all know them. We all know them. And we all know what happens when it becomes their life. That's a weird thing, man.

1:38:32 That's all you do. I would think that it's going to kill your dick though. Could you imagine if that happened and only Yeah. that we've all chosen to reside in. with the amount of people we can handle. Back to those times. And then you smell it cooking and you look over the window and you see Enjoy that shit. Yeah, and worrying about who's going to eat your dog tonight. Yeah.

1:40:20 and then they're going to start eating people. It comes from cows being forced fed brain tissue. In the movie, the Book of Eli. Why did I watch this whole thing? He's blind the whole time. All English. But it is a thing that would apparently, that is that disease. know man i think they took a lot of heat from Does anyone have air conditioning in China?

1:42:39 So that shows how bad they are. Oh, yeah, yeah. I was like, what? If no one in China What? Yes, it is. Actually, the real question is how many of those people kill themselves at work. Was that an employee? has you know i think it's probably one of these things that yeah whatever they're making what Retirement? But what are the other people? I'm not sure if they do, but they probably are.

1:45:52 And what that is is a phone that's made in America. Because then they'd have to also be admitting that they were doing something bad on the other end. It's a shitty olive green color. fucking have these conditions and stuff like that. Nobody's working anymore. What's the most successful country right now? Not one country. That's my problem with the Occupy Wall Street stuff.

1:48:21 They're the ones... And they found out there was just fucking insane amounts of money loaned wants us out he wants everybody back he's like this is ridiculous yeah is ridiculous. Of the war, you mean? Yeah, and because He's not going to run, is he? Fuck yeah, he's running. He's such a Republican. about doing that, Joe? Air conditioning is the air conditioning in your room. Herman Cain.

1:50:26 Well, you're proposing a giant change. behavior. It violates everything that we know about how people operate and how people progress. for beating on them. We're all like what? It's a capitalist game. And you'd just be laughing and bawling. Yeah. I probably would have. That's the reason I didn't want to switch over to Mac, a blog about how many times he had a reboot oh just crash but then they get that osx and it became

1:53:32 And people got so angry. I saw one on the sidewalk the other You just did? Yeah, I had some old ones And it was like a big-ass computer, but the screen inside was pretty small. IBM ThinkPads. actually had this idea in their head like how many they were going to have to make right and they just found out but from all these pre-orders that so many people are ordering it it's about 50

1:55:32 And then they gave him such a large order You had to go out of business. Yeah, he hated it. You met the where's the beef lady? Yeah. Felt very guilty steak burger they show where it's this humongous steak burger with blue cheese and onion rings and Same thing? Oh, yeah. Girls always want to be hot. How did the redhead from your show and from Suddenly Susan deal with that?

1:58:00 She's funny. Yeah. I wonder how they deal with that, though. She's a dancer. God, it was so funny. But, but, but, but, but. And that arbitrary cutoff means that this girl can handle it. We've decided that enough time has gone by. in a fucking cage. Can you rub it on the outside until 12? i live by a horse stable so there's all these really hot rich chicks that have uh that have

2:00:34 yeah if anyone is past that you've gone downhill so that's why you feel the way you do and notice Holla at Ari. Was he an actor? Her videos are awesome, too. Because she's only 16 And Oh. Even though he's 51 and she's 16, and he really should be in jail. You're allowed to get married in Vegas at 16? They don't protect the young boys. I thought it was New Mexico, and I was using it in this piece that I was writing about Catholics

2:03:15 in it making my own connection and so that's why but i i remember reading all these different 18 is right. Hopefully she's around nice people and nothing bad happens to her. Is it 20? Also, you know, It's my job to make sure That same sort of innocence of youth. like if i saw eleanor fucking blowing some guy in a car i'd be like whoa well you know this girl had

2:05:35 She's going to be fascinating. be, like, 4th of July in there. Yeah. It's working. These bitches... much she's wise beyond her age. Not if she turns 18. a newspaper in the video. Four minutes and 58 seconds. He comes running in like a fucking linebacker. Yes. Verifiable. what the hell are we doing yeah Have you ever taped yourself? Well, luckily it's on.

2:09:02 And you watch it a bunch. You didn't know how to work the MySpace thing? Remember Wifey's World? Because this was a long time ago that this was going on. A lot of porn stars do that. I'm tuning out. Your smoking, buddy. Still something's happening. And she was going to come over Ari's. It's on, kid. I think Norton shot a load into her. same family we wanted to start i want to do more at home and stuff and on the road yeah he so he

2:12:11 And I'm going to start duplicating that. It was weird seeing it in real life. It's like, you know, I had no intention of ever fucking you. let that black guy and she really wanted to J-A-Y. there's a lot of dudes we fucking at once a lot of guys wouldn't do that in a year It's amazing. She's a funny chick. She says funny shit. anonymous and it's too easy to just fucking

2:14:43 on stage, let's say Bear's on stage. Show us your tits, whore. Show us your tits, You can't, you're fucking negative yeah and we're not lying we're not lying you guys are you guys And we did have negative people back in the day. And they want to get into arguments, too. You remember that crate? for who knows why. Needs it. And I was like, I have one question.

2:17:01 You fucking bitch. with an idiot? God damn it. I don't even understand I felt so bad about it I had my pass on me show the ID, She goes, no, you cannot do it yourself. You want me to wear the paper wristband? It's gross when people power trip on you. Everything good? How hard is that? And when I came back, she goes, do you have a pass? something. Yeah. Give him a little treat. You're

2:20:26 Can people buy tickets online already? 26th through the 30th. And what days are you going to do the CD? I mean, you have, over the course of the years that I've known you, you've rotated acts a few times. I was like, oh, yeah. you just explain it after you do it for the poor fucks that have this on cd yeah what i just did Really? I don't know. He said it would always justify what he was doing with his words,

2:22:22 Yeah. Everybody wants to do these big, giant fucking. I think we got 300 people in there one day. It was fucking awesome. i might go back to that comedy club when i when i put my special out um after i'm done uh with A big giant place. as much because you're not surrounded by this laughter yeah like um the perfect example is the You only played once on a Wednesday.

2:24:52 Give me a shitty wage, but make it a good show. The crowds are great. And why Houston just goes? Something Disney. The opening bit is two guys fucking each other in the basement while they're working out yeah i remember that getting pumped It has to be. That should all be available otherwise. People will get joy out of that. to sell out in Houston and pack

2:27:11 like i remember watching him the first time i watched him going oh that's comedy too yeah and it's not on anything but it's not as good Well, the same thing as musicians. that I had I was just being lazy. My act got really stale.