Joe Rogan Experience #1463 — Tom Green Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The OG, ladies and gentlemen. I'm not like a paranoid person, but I'll tell you, Joe, you got me to leave my house for How bad is all this Lysol? Yeah. And just killing time. I'm not in that situation. And I remember at the time your website was like way advanced, right? I started my website early when I was up in up in Canada and I was really thought that was cool and we started talking about what

2:53 I saw that clip. A few moments that really planted a seed in my head to do something like this online. You had all those. So everything was taped down. That was exciting. Yeah. And that was the back corner of my living room there. That's actually a little later, actually. There was a thing called a video toaster system first. So yeah, so that was a little later, but still kind of, you know, we're talking three years later or something.

5:38 Because Anthony Cumia had a kind of pretty high-tech setup in his basement. He's like, but I'm just promoting the serious show. Yeah, exactly. It's really interesting. Because it's a scary thing getting on stage in front of an audience if you've never done standup, who do radio, are afraid of it. Because it's like the audience, because they can, it's a scary thing getting on stage,

7:00 That's right, that's right. I always... set up. So I remember I got a call. But here I was, I had the, that's the clip. Mm-hmm. Ah, right, right, right. video and then serve it out. So I would link that to my website, tongreen.com, They're doing a thing out of an apartment in San Francisco. them. Because I thought, I was thinking I mean, no one could have ever saw what YouTube had been or has become.

10:02 Not even. But imagine- and all the technical stuff, super complex. It's kind of crazy. Because you would think that like, boy, that is amazing that one company has that locked up. It's kind of crazy. I don't know. They're like, hey, fuck you, dick boy or whatever. Okay. The good you believe, the bad you're like, oh, my God, this guy hates me so much.

12:31 like arguing with fans and going back and forth like that is that is a trap you're only going to That's how people talk when they're just being around people. an environment. I'm trying to create a positive environment on my social media. by people's recyclables, pointing out all the empty wine bottles and empty vodka bottles, You could use this time to start reading books online.

14:27 I think they have bookstores. Because people are losing their old habits now. Like, not having to leave. Joe, when Joe Rogan calls, you come. I love the show. For whatever reason, it was happening. that I was actually going to. Actually. I mean, I knew it was possible. There were's supply of food. Not thinking that I was actually going to. You're like, wouldn't it be nice if I did have a month's supply of food?

16:55 And are they healthy? And then I take them and I put them with gloves, with rubber gloves, and I put them into another room. I wonder what the actual, there's an infection rate, hospitalization rate, mortality rate. what was it? Was the study that was, was it UCLA? Is that what it was for sure? And seeing of people um was it the he nurse or this she nurse hmm i'm sorry don't tell me this know what i was wondering you remember like it's like one month before this happened

19:05 Something like that? I don't want the mic to block my face. That's a good thing. Oh, yeah. It's a great bit. That's the Laird Hamilton stuff. It's so good, right? For sure you've definitely touched other things you just forgot. Well, that's the question. There's this end of the spectrum, which is, I guess, me right now. Everything I've So I'm like, I don't know if that's real.

22:28 Is it weird having an absence of that stand-up comedy thing? I'm like, I'm not going to think about that. You can't stand up right now. He's got to hope that some coughing motherfucker doesn't give him a death sentence while he's restocking the rice, right? I feel bad for them. Don't be confident in the middle of the pandemic. doesn't make any sense to me it's just clearly I'm not a doctor and clearly

24:51 Like, other things, you know what I'm saying? You can die from the flu, right serious. Leo, that's flu. People were watching. Oh, oh, feeling a little funny down there. up the show and my life would be completely different. That sort of change and sort of the, fine. It's doing good. I'm doing a bit. But the thing is, they also did a lymph node dissection.

27:29 I don't really have anything to do right now anyways. I like making hip-hop beats like Pro Tools lessons. And I'm getting, I'm having fun with it. And I'm thinking, okay, I'm doing something with myself right now that is positive. Yeah, yes. What do you mean? body healthy with nutrients and making sure you're eating clean and don't drink alcohol doing what you've always been doing that got you sick in the first place because a lot

30:52 It's going to keep you from getting COVID-19. During the time, if it has to do with coronavirus and it's contrary or not in what the World Health Organization has recommended. Bad to wear a mask. what time it was last year. Yeah, there's this is what they were getting Chinese propaganda. They were spreading it but the World Health Organization when they were posting it

32:18 Just because someone's a scientist, you know what I'm saying, They actually weren't even delivering when I ordered this. I believe you. I've been cooking a lot of pasta. They're just like a can of tomatoes, but they're cans of peeled tomatoes. Because you remember in the first few weeks of this, people were kind of thinking, is everything going to shut down?

34:56 don't just heat up the ragu. like the universe was sending you a signal. You needed to go buy corn. I had a long conversation with my mom about how, you know, we could be living in a simulation. And then I had a pretty long day of talking about this with my mom and trying to convince her not that we're living in a simulation but that it's possible we could be living in a simulation my mother wasn't really

36:55 Like, what is that? Like maybe that's just a new kind of life, a new dimension of life and that all these things just come about through that. I know. Because when you got a guy that intelligent and he's saying there's a 1% chance or one in a billion chance that we're not living in a simulation, you think, okay, is he just messing with me? We were talking about probability theory.

39:53 You know, it's like I started seeing, you know, I'm here in Los Angeles. And you're thinking, I'm going to hear about it now. The first couple episodes of that are spectacular. like, whoa. sure. Yeah. I'm, I'm not waiting in line. I have a theory about the toilet paper. Maybe it's obvious, And it was the toilet paper was gone. down with a colombo of toilet paper that makes a hundred percent sense because it's big everyone

42:41 Get a rag and a bucket of water, okay? You need to worry about consuming food and staying alive. You know, beans, corn, and rice, that's what I read was enough vitamins and everything you need. You just got to eat a lot. I want to just talk to you. But that seems like as the more I think about doing it, the best way to do it is just talk to people.

44:25 Exactly. Because really we only talked for like – there was a couple times we were having conversations out there. in a long time then all of a sudden we're here and you're like bro what the fuck is going on we're just gonna ignore it exactly cause really save it it's a weird thing used to come up and do my web show that we were talking about. Wow.

45:14 We're doing a little kind of make-believe tonight show or whatever. Don't leave it in the hallway. I mean, like the early days of the podcast, sometimes before we ever got the show started, can't really force the As you know, I love doing what you do. They get to do it for a few weeks or a few months or a few years and then they get canceled. It's pretty awesome. It's pretty weird. Yeah. It's got 10,000 hours of interviewing time, you know, it's pretty,

48:21 i was like just to see us feels awkward bring bring them to my house it just feels You know, like if you're like, oh, if I was Tom Green, You know what I mean? You can't do that. Tom, the gym has to be in a separate building. That's what we were talking about on your show. Yeah. No. But a lot less. Have a drink absolutely I will. Is that what you're saying?

51:34 That's one of the things on a virus. Grandpa's dead. What do we got here? Oh. Beautiful. It's been proven. Sorry, what is that? That's fine. That's all you need. A little sip. It's not bad for you. It's been proven. I used to have two of those. My guests like to drink, too. I grew up loving Norm, okay? He was my favorite. You know, there's beer. Okay.

55:05 Okay. But no, and there was also, you know, this. Because it just wasn't really what people were doing quite yet. She had a MySpace page with like a gazillion followers. I'm like, what? So they didn't make me pay it. I want to start doing standup again. And I just, I'd always wanted to, right? I did it when I was So I found that that was going to be my way of monetizing my web show was I'm going to go on tour.

58:29 And then I went back. to do. And so then I'd come home from the road and the equipment was getting more obsolete too. focus on trying to become as good of a standup as I can possibly be. I've been going everywhere. every single time. Yeah, me too. I've done thousands of shows, but then how could I, Well, it's clearly something that the more you do it, the better you get at it.

1:00:40 of this thing. To this day Dom's been doing comedy probably 40 fucking years to this day And if you are, you're going to get better at it. And you might come back to it two years from now. Living forest of ideas. Be happy that you can do it. And this is one thing that's going to happen to a lot of comics after this break. Just let's appreciate what we had. I think we all appreciated what we had at the store but i think now everyone's

1:03:37 That's why we gravitate towards stand-up. career. I bet a lot of people are going to realize, you know what? I'm going to do what I want to do This thing's leaking. These fucks. Like I've done Montana. One time we did Prince of Wales, which is the most rainy part of Alaska. mist. My dad was an army guy. able to do something like that really well with maybe the ability to be popular or to maybe get

1:07:38 Back that up. I was a teenager, but I was on the verge of being an adult. It was an American group from upstate New York. backyard yeah and in her backyard there was a giant fucking grizzly bear just wandering around That's a big bear. Jesus! They have them up there where they have to shut school down sometimes, like where their kids go to school. Look at the size in the big picture. Beautiful. What in the Christ? Jesus.

1:09:38 The bear comes down every year and eats avocados out of his tree. What? Incredible, talented, genius guy. but uh listen so it was sort of this you know you got to know how to be a man you know how to all our food, all our supplies. Oh. Okay. But I digress. What they had was every two weeks It's such a great feeling to, like, catch something Largemouth bass, you know.

1:12:52 Largemouth bass, northern pike, and smallmouth, which put up a better fight than the largemouth. If you have a topwater – That was fun Crankbait is a, I think it's called a crank, I'm using the wrong terminology. Those are pretty big, right? Spinner bait. See what that looks like? It was, you know, when you're up past midnight and we're going along.

1:15:32 I think it was a Rapala We were at this little cottage. those kind of memories are why I do love getting out into the woods I went then I don't not support it. Yeah. And whenever I go home to visit them, it's like being on vacation. so they always get off all the time A lot. And bringing that fish up to the shore and thinking this is going to sustain you and your family.

1:18:33 Yes. So step, step the fuck back. I wish I was born somewhere else. My place is not to lead. I don't think anybody's place is to be president. You can't. So we have all these different people that are in control of these different states. I've had some good times in New Orleans. anybody and- Or would you be watching going, that's probably a difficult position to be in.

1:21:26 I don't, I don't, those, these numbers are too big. They're basically like a plumber. highfalutin word general public will enjoy? So that comes across too. People, whether they know it or not, It's not just the words. there's some weird shit going on. It's not just the words You're trying to be better than who you were yesterday. People that are legitimately sensitive. People that are legitimately expressing themselves in an honest way.

1:24:03 and I found something that maybe you could relate to and then other people listen go That's what that's why we love doing this, right? off. I think it was when I was moving from Colorado to LA. I think it was around 2009. they spend all their time either traveling or doing stand-up, you're not living enough. ex-girlfriends, oh apologies too. everybody's ever done a time you did a thing when you were a kid you wish you had that done and

1:27:52 when the whole world shuts down, you're not allowed to work and everyone's supposed to stay your shit together you're more vulnerable right so get your shit together the renaissance movement People came out of that and the whole, everything changed after that. Yeah, maybe not give a fuck as much. I'm going to paint a little weird now. Dude, the Black Plague. Are you paying attention, bitch?

1:30:30 that's like completely in control of their citizens. Is that what happens? when the oldest ones that we're aware of, And I want all the money and I want all the bitches and I'm going to shoot the bombs and before I don't know another thing that happened a year earlier that it's perfect for your life I'm thinking it's going to be some – driving from the airport, there'sions i'm like well i thought i you know i'm crazy rich asians i was like why yeah exactly

1:33:22 they got here, you know? And, you know, so I came back from that thinking, okay, well, I mean, obviously I know it's a lot different, but we're also all so the same too. Well, it's like I remember the first time I went to Australia. We got to Bahrain. I had some Kentucky Fried Chicken in Bahrain after I've just flown to the other side of the world.

1:34:41 In Bahrain, we weren't on the base. land, different than you, grew up in a different environment, different culture, different on a slip and slide, trying to ride a fucking beer keg down the side of a hill when you know, of leadership are bizarre human beings that don't even live in reality. I was watching Nancy Pelosi trying to dance her way out of saying that in February she

1:37:13 No one knew. We see the flaws better. Mm-hmm, and if you made a mistake Here's what I wouldn't say. And it was the same as, was it the Secretary of Health in New York City? Yeah, because it was conflicting information. What is the new stuff that the nurse was telling us about? It's interesting. we talked about this. So wait, how did they determine far more, but on a magnitude

1:40:26 It just means that it's not as dangerous as the worst case scenario could have been. But they did do the social distancing with H1N1. He said he felt worse than he's ever felt in his life. Who knows? and you're feeding them junk food and that army and fed them healthy food and gave them eight hours rest a night and taught them how to meditate and They think of it as a frivolous, egocentric, narcissistic endeavor to look good and work out.

1:42:51 All right? Exercise. A little bit. They're my babies. If you, Howard Stern, and Opie and Anthony got together in a gangbang with Terrence McKenna, I'm all your babies. So it's a responsibility of the people listening. Who are the experts, and are they different in different states? We know the world's got to be reopened. I heard you said Nick Swartzen. I said it yesterday. Sorry, Nick.

1:45:52 to a loss of a certain number of lives. And that every time the economy drops a certain percentage, Yes, for sure. You know what kills more people than any of these things, including COVID-19 projections? I mean, you don't know if you can prevent this, right? I mean, because if you say something wrong and it's sending people, so you must, I'm just kind of curious how much time do you spend researching?

1:48:10 Because you're walking a very fine line, Whereas you definitely straddle that line in a way that to me seems incredibly astute, Yeah, okay, yeah. Because a lot of people have made mistakes, right? there's another 50 of those at least, right? Keep going. Hey, what's up? too. Well, that's the same in podcasts. It's going to be Because everyone has an agenda, right?

1:50:52 You just want to be real. Are you going to do better? Doing Muay Thai, doing martial arts. something cool about someone say I'm gonna tear turn my body into a work of And there's kind of something interesting about watching someone do that to their body. All of a sudden, you're starting to go, hey, I'm getting close to that line where – You're farging ice holes

1:52:58 That's a great movie, man. I'm just curious because I'm not really around a lot of the, I don't go to the gym. Pretty much, yeah. You like the Bee trying to stay alive? Pretty much, yeah. Once a month on the road. Yeah, you're alive. You should do more than that. back to your feet, jump up. And that's one. That's one revolution. And you keep going.

1:54:33 I often make the decision, because I've made this decision every time I go to a new hotel when I'm on the road. I do. Why do I do that, though? But the concept of the muse is you settle in and receive creativity almost like as a divine gift You show up and you do the work. and these thoughts are coming to you Okay. the magic. So you start to feel like you're good at it.

1:58:03 about it. Bad feelings. You're like, shit! You see those side muscles. They're telling you – not only are they telling you what to do, but they're going to chart progress. I got gravity boots for stretching my back out. You hang from your ankles. How often do you do that? We have it out here The Dex is better for you because the Dex you don't have to hang.

2:00:31 Those things that you stand on. I was playing with my camera while I was doing it. Tate the Gorilla, Fletcher. And I skateboarded my whole life. Oh. It was Zach Bitter who is the world record holder for a 100-mile run. run 100 miles. Oh, I'm sorry. That's a big commitment to break that record. Obviously not. I've heard of the Moab. Like, look at some videos.

2:03:40 It's all like dirt roads and shit. Yes, he has. So to see somebody that decides, like you said earlier, we're going to make tents. Yeah. mountain he realized he didn't bring his chalk with him. And then he leaves it at the top of the mountain because he passes them yeah because he's and he's Oh my God, Look, it was, Exactly. And there was a lot of parachuting in it.

2:07:32 It was tandem. He's on your back. Oh, my God. and it's amazing and exciting. And then the thing that was weird about it is then you pull the rush. We'll never do it again because now at least I can say I have done it, right? I'm surprised you haven't. You go with one of those. Oh, yeah. I ended up being, you know, whenever you're going to get in a situation where you end up going out to a parachuting thing with a bunch of people unless you're in a relationship and the person you're with is going and you

2:10:44 Save face. people do die you know what's fucked up about it is that's Yeah. outcome right it's kind of how I feel this is gonna Your soul, carry on. get implanted with, anytime there's a moment that happens where there's some scrambling, on, they slowly give in to this idea of controlling people more and more. So they're going to who the fuck knows what could happen once someone's tracking whether or not you're healthy?

2:14:17 and you know that you now don't have to worry about getting this thing so we can track all Yeah, and you'll be able to find them on a map and it'll get real weird. And if they could just monitor you and you've never committed any crime, that is a weird place. they go. If you listen to everything that they They don't want to be yelled at. It's dangerous to so many things.

2:16:26 Tom, I'm going to watch your shit. this. You take away all that shit with apps and alerts and, you know, Things that pump them pleasure because they take in the place That's the problem. Yeah, he was eating steak, right? Thanks for being here, dude. I talked to them at one point in time. I want to concentrate on the shit I'm already doing. You know, if I did it with some company or some, it's like, yeah, you could do it with

2:19:22 That was, that's where you figured it out right there. You could probably second guess them, but no. But because of your risk taking, because you were the guy that was willing to set up this crazy setup in your house. and yelling out of his office at people, I was like, oh, I want to do that. Yeah. I want to get anti-television. but loved David Letterman.

2:21:49 I know like he's in on security guard at ge you know messing with them getting in trouble but his boss you know it's Everybody who was alive back then said he was the sharpest comic working. Oh yeah. is a guy who loves cars. First of all, he has first of all he has like He's living in L.A., right? Yeah. We would know the answer to that. hey man, you're really

2:25:05 He loves them to his bones. Who would have been like the most, the greatest car man, not that he isn't right now, but the greatest car celebrity that's ever lived in terms of like a car guy on television. Leno pulls over his wife gets out let gets out. Let me fix that. Yeah, he loves cars, man. them. Loves them. probably was fun when you went in there.

2:27:04 Yeah, I'm not turning any wrenches. But then again, I like Tesla, too. Theo just has stuff, you see it written on paper, you're like, what, that's funny? because like i was saying earlier when i was a kid I was his biggest fan I And at the time, and this is probably not exactly a fully accurate statement. Oh, wow. I'm from Ottawa. Mr. Williams, would it be okay if tomorrow we took you out for a submarine sandwich?

2:30:14 where he's not always like, hey, Jerry. Every time I see him, I hug him. and it's it's he just figured out that like we were talking about before there's no right way Like Theo Vaughn's too. how to make And we're lucky to get to know a lot of people that are like top of their field. I love him. What's one of the cool things about living in a place like L.A. is that there's a lot of people like you and Harlan.

2:33:04 Keep going down the line. What we need to do is buy up a fucking plot of land and put a fence around it called Comedy Town. We'd be able to hang out with each other and grow tomatoes and shit. Listen, there's a lot of people that are under incredible pressure right now financially. We are in a position right now where people are under extreme stress I'm starting to see it a little bit on the road

2:34:38 I knew people were getting sketchy. Right. of the stand-up universe and Then I had it from 2014 to today and I'm didn't have it. From 2007 to 2014 that I had it. And doing whatever I can to get it back to financial health. right here is so crowded Do stand up the store. Hopefully you don't get stuck here where the music shuts off. Yeah, yeah. Back there, rather?

2:36:57 Dig.com, it'd be like... So it's sort of interesting that public access is different now, right? And people would hear about it. they went they were terrible well we were you know we're 21 years old and they went up on I keep moving. Oh, that's why you lost the tape. But I was thinking, like, how weird it is that they let you just do this. No one saw like a thing where anybody could sign up,

2:39:55 that are watching YouTube every day? Let's take a guess, No, no, no, I mean individual humans. let's see, is there 8 billion people in the world? It might be a billion. I'm going to just guess that because it's a round number. It or one guy watched a million. That doesn't seem unrealistic. That doesn't seem unrealistic. It might be a billion. Exactly.

2:41:02 Okay. Yeah, users. No, we were playing views. There's 8 billion people. You say four? I'm not even close to that. Yeah. Yeah. Once a week, a magazine would come out and you could see a still shot of a guy doing a trick. replicate it and then they improve on it. I think that's with everything, with playing guitar, with art. Can you imagine if this happened in 1990?

2:44:15 Suck your own cock. I watched one yesterday. That's Ableton. It looks different, that looks different yeah that's amazing why is show, you allowed people to think about streaming Who shot you in the back, bro? It was called the NABU Network. the internet. You could talk to people. There was video games got pumped through it. So you So you're sitting there as a kid and you're playing like Dig Dug, the arcade game.

2:47:30 about that in the background and then he it's it's fun to try augmented reality fun to try to figure out artificial intelligence what's I know. You're giving up too much. Our phones, you put your email in and it's already happening. We might be. Like, where is this going? Are you going to carve it out? Listen, I think if we looked at ourselves in like 1980 and then looked at ourselves in 2020 and said,

2:51:50 Oh, well, maybe we should double down on that. How do we double for all know the all the cambridge analytica stuff all the like and how do we give oh let's give them what they want to see And the best way to get them engaged, it turns out, is to get them upset. So all these people like you they're trolling me. They're trying to get me. Right. We had one two days ago. Mm-hmm, and we didn't say it out loud.

2:54:03 I've got it three times in the last 12 hours now. Wait, so wait, what happened? Because that is what it is, it is sending out a Bluetooth signal or a near field signal to devices, or reaches out to find out what, like, with this chip thing that it's describing here It's not for your phone or anybody. It's your number. is you could find women age 25 to 45 in the united states now where's that where do you find that

2:56:55 Yeah. 93 Toyota Land Cruiser. And they always say that. How does that work? It's all we're sliding into this digital world, just slowly sliding in. in this uh infinite multiverse of lives coexisting, Right there. Because the next grab in order to ensure that people be safe from this COVID-19, it's hard, man. Like, did we decide that it's more... It's not to diminish the amount of people that died, but that because people are staying at home, less people have died from automobile accidents.

3:00:16 Oils. They haven't stopped making it or whatever it is. Yeah. And I'm like, Chuck, please. Maybe it didn't. Let's try to figure this out together. So what's that all about? I think he retweeted somebody else's point but there's like five countries Do you think Verizon would let microwaves i mean i've always wondered okay is do more people have cancer now as a cancer

3:03:34 But, you know, why start now? Yeah. cancer and the fact that some people get it and some people don't and some people live their lives It's not fair at all. If you prevent it from scaring the shit out of you, then you're not paying attention to it. Yeah. What's stranger? Yeah. You're the God Green. you're gonna be up in space forever you can't go down

3:08:11 It's not a daily Havasu. that because that was my my age right you know our age right you know when you were like a kid Yeah, me too. What a great film. This was the shit, dude. And look what they did, too. Oh, yeah. Multiple decades. So look at those cars. Yes. everybody sort of paused that rewound that the coming of age high school movie yeah was giant

3:11:53 And when you don't have instant access to seeing anything you can imagine, then your You never get it again. Listen, that life is horseshit. Yeah. There's a there's a thing and you're controlling it? Is that what you're addicted to? Were you sweating? commit to turn it on. That's what a lot of them are doing now, right? Fortnite is launching Travis Scott's new song

3:14:51 but we're not allowed Because you can have an audience. I don't know what he could see. YouTube videos. Have you seen those? quarantine, there's a thing that we were playing They're dropping out of the roof right in front of you, and they grab you. We had John Carmack come in. You have no tether. And then it knows that's the game footage and shows you where the walls are. So it gives

3:17:22 that's when you don't want to leave. where you can feel someone grabbing your tits you can feel someone yeah why leave the house around Where Leonardo DiCaprio gets attacked by that grizzly bear. It's biting on you, shaking you like a leaf. and you know you're in a thing, but your mind just and it seems like this is the board you're walking on. What was that?

3:19:55 Right. know how long does it take for that happens and will it be gradual or will it be one big leap That's what pushes every technology. Just zoop, zoop. Like the Avatar depression syndrome when people couldn't watch it or whatever? that they just started calling it something. This is easy. No, it's amazing. It's exciting Don't you have cool conversations with people a lot?

3:22:56 I feel honored to be able to sit here with you. Because I do really remember thinking, like, wow, Tom Green's stepping up. You nailed it, dude. And I'm on Instagram, Twitter, TomGreen.com. Yeah, yeah. All right.