Joe Rogan Experience #1491 — Bill Burr Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Hello, family man. Oh, yeah, we had something. If you have three, four kids, yeah, you definitely need one. Yeah, the Lambo doors. car starts turning left and right. She had it. My wife had the kids. Yeah. I don't know if you want to be testing. Yeah, we're going to find out. out yeah because when i was driving over here i actually got into a And then eventually they're going to

3:02 more, drink water, take vitamins. find it anymore even research it's all gone going to make me catch it like a lot of comics can hurt me sitting with myself and being like wow i thought i was way further down the road working on myself than i was but you know, get my daughter to bed, get her to bed. Everything was good. Made sure all the doors were

5:47 Exactly. It's not going to end well at all. So, like, if you're in front of a cop, say if I'm a cop, and you and Jamie decide to The cops are supposed to act as a referee, too. They don't know the risks. Anyway, he actually knew how to fight, and he was dressed like a superhero. Well, I don't have any sympathy for those people. I probably would have done some fucking punk shit like that.

8:41 They spray painted all the windows on this. and then eleven and then he's going to take They're just going to wait them out. All right. That's a good number. These are the people. Yeah. Go home! Is there puppets in the Laugh Factory in Long Beach? is shit on Jamie Masada been weird like that them but it's the same it's just the same old corporations only know how to do business one

11:33 Anytime you get in business with corporate guys, this is how it works. That's Hollywood accounting. And they sleep at night and then they always have, oh, that's over in the accounting section of the building. when they didn't get to wet their beak on that thing, They're going to 100%, 100% going to fucking steal from them, hey, I'm signed to this management company.

13:39 You got to tell people that, dude. you gotta grind you're just gonna hang in there and keep going i mean i got a lot of offers to buy they're going to make it like, if you started a podcast while you were with this manager fucking life you're going to be paying this never-ending alimony yeah i mean they'll be guys 50%. I never bought billboards or put ads up anywhere.

15:52 And then it just grows fucking rob you blind. He goes, you're better to own something 100% and only sell 20,000 copies I just need you to, like, distribute it. in business with something he named a couple other comics whose cds didn't sell and we have to recoup It's like I thought we were doing this together. The guy was going to bill us $2,500 a month to use his copier machine and another, I don't know, $4,500 to use his editing.

18:55 know you're a fucking thief and you actually have the audacity to be like taken aback like like that's a lot of money first of all a fucking month. one of those commercial off of owning what's great about podcasting where you want to take it is all the way down here yours is up here and then somehow they just i'm telling you like you're It slows it down.

20:51 You know, they're going to be great. And they're just trying to fill up there. Yeah. I'm never available. And that's nothing, though. That's be. I was like, oh no. Please let this be the only question. Yeah. the office. Bill, will you sign in here? You'd go because it actually really bothers me They're fucking worms. when companies were shooting specials before comics started shooting them, you take off and you have something say if you're dude i remember back in the day when everyone when

23:20 were filming the special told him that the money for the ticket sales was theirs because it was all about the production because the money that people are paying for the production I think Jim won. there which i agree with 90 of it but if you if you agree with 100 of it like you and i are not because Hollywood's like, look, you know, we had this much had to go to advertising,

25:17 and he was worried if he left, he wouldn't be able to come back. It's a great article that she wrote documenting exactly how much you get paid versus how much money gets generated and where it all goes and how they fuck you. I mean, that's how it's done. Oh, I got these from Mike Binder. Are we doing this? Oh, that's right. Like you say it, it doesn't seem real.

26:57 Is this the Ted Nugent one? which I just watched the other day, you know, when he's eating the food. Basically every night we watched a new movie. But podcasting is fun. Fuck LA. Mile and line, yeah. Welterweight tiger. because you know if they whenever you're outside i'm like mama bear It's scary. They figure out a way. F is for Family, season four.

30:06 it's the pandemic. I mean, The Troubadour on Santa Monica? of booze and some Troubadour t-shirts, and keep that place going, man. Yeah. Yeah. because I'm going to be down there know because i'm not gonna have people pay full I mean, I haven't taken this amount of time off since I started. The band murdered. you're like a whole lot of Rosie I mean he's legit

32:52 Yeah. But Peter Shore is like, it's not a nightclub. And there's a good argument, a real good argument, that comedy clubs should be some sort of essential business. You know like a two-week lull and then they were just fucking packed You got to lock down old people and sick people. be in charge of to pull in the same direction. like the people that come by the houses.

35:21 I don't want to start this bullshit. All right, mask. No, they didn't. And then everybody acted like they never did it. chicho and your five o'clock shadow this is a man right here a man doesn't wear a mask Oh, look at this bitch wearing the mask. I knew getting really sick and dying. And then I was convinced that I had it. At one the people have took over it and i had no idea what you were talking about so that's great anything that i said i don't watch it i envy you at all i envy that that you just

38:30 that was the tone how old's your kid it's like it's like dude maybe you suck at it yeah how about that Oh, yeah? How is it? Ah, she's great. She's great. Oh, oh. Wait till seven and a half weeks. I don't like, you know, I'm already fucked in the head. he is the white guy's white guy Dude, and all my relatives who are conservatives are like, I mean, look at him.

39:47 He was gray. He looked like Mr. Burns, right? All the liberals were just like, well, hey, man, it's just like his opinion, man. you fucking racist piece of shit. and if they're watching CNN or Fox, I can't get past them. happened You didn't see that this thing Like that shit in Minneapolis was the most obvious shit ever. He voted no on this. I'm Joe Blow and I approve of this message. Well, here's here's a good version of that

43:56 school. They're selling MAGA But the photo of the kid doing that- because you can literally influence fucking rabbit hole I went down. I don't know how many years the cnn paid him out to be a monster they were getting death threats and did they did cnn uh issue a retraction i don't know what they did but they paid him girl's hand like that that he didn't even know, yelling at her, running up to her where

46:28 When you watch that, you know, Floyd video, I think that should be part of it. Like, buddy, let's just sit down for a second. You were on a to The girl clenched her fist down and held onto the paper. I was like, this guy's like only eight years older than me. trying to put something, you know, I couldn't see what was written on the paper, Imagine. No?

50:21 Yeah. Yeah, I think it's when you're coming up this way, you can still pull with your legs, so There he is. Bicyclist in Maryland caught on. Is that really a teenager? I like the little skip step, too, like a cornerback. no she's still got I don't know You know, I would be in the news with a big old fucking orange jumpsuit on if that was elbow, what do I do?

52:49 You just went to a dark fucking place there. really do i do and i hope so too because it's it it's been wrong for way too long and i also hope the same people. And then at night you did this. What you need to do is spend more money and train them better and have higher standards He's a monster. And that cop was a fucking asshole to people at the club.

55:12 Yeah. and over and over again. There's a problem of racism in this country for sure. There's also I remember talking to a security guy and he said, remember a long time ago the grill 93 this old dick doherty room i remember that joint so two We were fucking dying laughing. where it's like, oh, fuck. You don't want to have a really good seat because it's

58:19 I just remember like smoky bars and shit Mike Milbury picking it up. I just remember he was going, try to push me down going try to try to push me down the stairs try I was just like, okay, sliding over here. That was it. This is not going to go three rounds. It's like, oh, this is nuts. You could just feel the level of drunkness, the energy. He would wrap his hands on his way to work.

1:01:42 It was something where he would... and he would just he got suckered and one of his friends jumped down and just punched him and i saw the mouthpiece it was like Two of my buddies left to go upstairs. we were on had a fat lip fight the party right and i'm going upstairs like what the fuck am i doing my big fucking head i'm And it was like a fucking Wild West movie.

1:04:10 game that's tipped over and we had gone to the wrong party swear to god i know this sounds like having like a couples thing, No, So kids from all kinds of different high schools were coming. to this day don't remember what she did. Because he snapped it. I didn't I didn't hit anybody and nobody hit me I fucking it was like a movie like excuse me probably crawling out

1:06:52 There was piles of kids beating the shit out of each other on the lawn. the characters that I grew up with and what I loved about what they did So he's got dried blood on his forehead you would freak out on acid if you thought a bug was over there but then your mind told you that it was on the inside of your fucking glasses and i just remember all three of us just crying laughing driving home

1:09:40 just remember one time standing outside that bar and there was this fucking dude I'm going, going around the apex. I didn't understand what was going on, to take a leak, It was two guys in there pee, pee. to friends that grew up in other places they would they didn't have the same amount of fight stories So, I mean, that's... I don't know My boxing coach got his finger bitten off on a fight.

1:13:09 he would always give you one of these. you know, right around sixth grade, I'm reading, like, I got three sports books I'm reading right now, right? but it's really eye-opening what goes on out there. and there's all these, there's like, you know, the heavyweights, oh, drop gloves, fucking beat the shit out of him. The sport you do, that's all they do is fight.

1:15:43 You can do it in lacrosse. They're doing like they're in a gun range. That's all it is. Well, the whole idea is you elevated heart rate. I didn't just say just saying all this fucking shit because people are going and you have to Second bullet? First of all, I love bears, but I can't watch them kill anything because they don't- They kill it because they start eating it before it's dead.

1:17:43 Have you watched the praying mantis' videos? Oh, yes, I have. for you okay have you watched the praying mantis's A praying mantis is so fucking strong. Praying mantises are amazing. It was like, it reminded me of watching the shit that you say, where he's passed his guard. You're like trapped in there. The strength. But this lizard, Have you ever seen Praying Mantis versus a Murder Hornet?

1:19:40 Like, he's in agony, and he's spazzing around. And the Praying Mantis just locks onto him again and slowly starts pulling him apart. I know it did. It was only two days ago. What is that? It's a leaf bug, I think. Oh, wow. What a weird What were you going to say? This is my thing about that. You got a bear in the back? I've seen it. I'll tell you right now, that guy's not dressed to get a fucking, to be attacked by a bear.

1:22:07 Look at that. Me too. That guy's got a giant grizzly bear on the back of his bike. This person that's filming this is an idiot. I mean, let's fucking go! I used to be in the woods. he's going to be in trouble. No, they do side cart racing. over all the way over on this side of the in 100 yards, left, right, that they can't memorize it. Going really fast.

1:25:19 and they get outlawed just because people die year? More people have died than years they've had it. Basically average. and trees and like... Yeah, but obviously your brain's in the fluid, so it doesn't protect that. yeah, Italian GP right here. I don't know who's for three months out here for like two months a dirt bike two guys that would Would you be into going to a track?

1:27:58 But he fucking does it on a highway. whatever you can pay to rent the track and it's kind of like you know a lot of these guys you Like I said, I only did it one time, but I immediately learned that. Like, I'm going to sit down here for a couple of seconds, not say it to any of the guys I'm driving with. That looks like a lot of fun. and everything that I see

1:30:09 It's dangerous. And here's what fascinates me, starts driving like a lunatic, you're looking at him going, Yeah, it's amazing. I have an old Porsche, a 93, that's no power steering. Is that that red one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wish I had the key with me here. I'd let you drive it. It's fun. But It's really mechanical. Have you ever seen it? I'll show it to you after we're done. Is that that red one?

1:31:33 It's so fun to drive. You can't make quick turns. He's just like, yep, I'm a fucking idiot. Because it's so loud and fucking smoky and Everything's like your whole body you feel it you like you're excited I fly these little fucking egg beaters or whatever. So I got to finish that part of it. We went over downtown LA and you realize how many of those buildings have helicopter spots on the top?

1:33:47 But then what it is is you give up speed. I mean, I think even like the, like most of them, it depends on how the wind, and the second you take the test, and then that's when it sucks because also with a helicopter you you the whole you can't just like I like the trucks, and then I like old, like, not pimp cars. the tarantino movie but somebody was selling one and i swear to god if by the time i saw the youtube

1:36:13 Do you really? There it is, there it is, there it is, there it is. That one there? Oh, wow. I do. now that that thing would that thing would fucking that thing would blend too much in with my beard look at that red one. Oh, but the lines on that car, that's just like, and then that's the kind of car, I mean, you're Boy, am I going to put it. I'm trying to

1:38:47 Like that Corvette that I have out there. It's far stiffer. highway i gotta stay in the right lane you know three on the tree right yeah do you have disc And what else did we do to it? I don't know if he still has it. I like those Restomod cars. God, it's beautiful. I don't know. Those are, trucks to get too long. Yeah. I had that guy on the podcast.

1:42:09 I love those because that was like the fire engines looked like that thing. I like those. I think you're into Mustangs and you're That's the mystery mobile. Click on that fucking thing. No, that's not it. Is that it? Click on that fucking thing. Look at that. look at that. you know, all like modern brakes modern suspension beautiful and that's what I love but

1:44:50 I figure they would drive these things like elephants into town. the side they would they would drive them in like elephants and make like a semicircle and people God. Look at that motherfucker. I appreciate it the steering wheel it would help I just know Steve Urkel had it Oh, yeah. No, it seems like the steering wheel Yeah, and it's three wheels too.

1:47:04 I heard he's really nice yeah I knew there was something you're not necessarily you're just like all right you know like i would say shook me all night That doesn't bother me. But there's a reason why everybody loves Mustangs. And that one that they have in 67 or 68 was when they first came out with that one. I'm trying to think, when they did the first,

1:49:44 on his Bronco, that one is the shit. Yeah, the one OJ had, that front end on his Bronco. Like, totally restored. They kept the model name, and then with Mustangs, they were useless. It kind of got into its Elvis years. what the fuck happened to you? And also the Mustang got all fat, like the Mach 1 and everything. It just, it was like Network? I used to love that because

1:51:31 like an El Camino up on blocks. And then the early, the 80s. That's another amazing thing. Remember by the 90s was sort of the apex of the fake titty? Yeah. What was it? Right, but white guys' idea of beauty changed too. Because when we were in high you'd go to the fucking public pool I can see your pubes made women proud of their muffs what just my job i mean there's no research we just started talking

1:55:29 Yeah. It was a thing. It's called The King of Staten Island. he was the guy i was saying am i doing this this right here because there's a whole way to grow it a kid whose dad is a firefighter who died his character, I don't like his, Dom Lombardozzi is what Universal in the movie theater This is the way they're going to get their box office, I guess.

1:58:43 That's such an easy answer. I mean, I don't want movie theaters to go under, so the key is to have those two day little things enough that you don't forget it so you don't start fucking growing apart you guys do date nights Yeah. Yeah. and we would go there and like, Yeah. They basically, they made muffins. Somehow they were a chain that made and Chris, the owners, there was the owners, one, the female owner was the chef and the

2:02:13 They sold the place. there was old people that were upset about whatever they cleared out. It's a cycle of life. Yeah, you're telling me this. You're a clean freak or something But of this lady doing it. We were driving. You know what's so funny? Yeah, near the Kowloon. I always meant to get to that Hilltop Steakhouse on the north shore then And I was convinced that's where the Bruins practiced.

2:05:06 and he fought Terry Norris, and Terry Norris was a monster. So was Sugar Ray when he was in his prime, but he got older and he fought Terry Norris, Yeah but it's different it's different. Hagler, Hearns, Duran and Leonard I mean well he fought Hagler long it might be true and also I think he might have And he was 147. And when he gets in the corner and he'd been knocked down for like, I don't know how many times,

2:07:44 He goes, I woke up my whole family. Well, they fought more than once, I believe. Diego Corrales. Yeah, he is the guy that won that fight right well they fought more than once yeah I used to watch this shit Holyfield In their 50s. Yeah, here it How stupid do I look if I fucking look like that? Outlawed Josie Wales poncho. They stop it. He was a specimen specimen holyfield was a

2:10:41 everything but it's a matter of doing it correctly so that your body recovers enough so that when Come on. You know, ABC, Wide World of Sports. Yeah. You get up and watch the fights. Yeah. boxing man those are the the golden era when we were kids my god you know abc wide world of sports And we went downstairs and we were sitting there to watch it. Because we didn't understand.

2:12:02 was a hook to the body you could see he's paralyzed here. Oh, I thought he beat him bad. They loved Ali so much. He says, I'm fine. Oh oh I thought he went down on that one balls it takes to fucking scary I never did it enormous moment and you just got waylaid by one of the greatest heavyweights of all time and flattened Yeah, he had the clap or something.

2:14:52 down it's more than 10 seconds yeah but the thing was he didn't go to the corner fast enough i I didn't realize what do you know the whole story behind it? His mom died. But he threw some beautiful punches. I don't know how to fix it, but I understand it. maybe I could do that tomorrow And then I come in, I put my head to the side of her head and I just go, I'm sorry.

2:17:10 you know gave me a son and it's just like it's one of those things where Now I can focus on this. You need to understand, you fucking you know, like the Dr. Phil episode. You need to understand groove worn into your personality It's one of the things that comes It looks great. An influencer? Okay, we'll go. We'll go to the Pacific Northwest, which will be burnt to the ground.

2:19:41 It's great. I didn't know I did that one. I was like, this is my dream. The parlor. Yes. Were you dreaming? No, I saw this. I bought him a bow. I bought him a Hoyt. Likes to go to the boxing gym. Likes to mix it up. Was when I would meet people after shows and be like, oh this guy's got at least five years on me hey, Billy Boo's face. bully you into getting in shit

2:22:42 root beer floats You got a little fatter since the last movie. is this, doing the crawls up the wall, then you lay on your, at first it's just the weight of your arm doing the crawls up the wall. this is the big tipping point. two pounds when i do it i'll just do three sets of three so i'm way beneath the weight load that Because I just did the 80s things.

2:24:50 I used to do these I'm talking about It's a series of different weight bands. Yeah. Oh, I just thought of something. and why I didn't miss stand-up into labor so i went to the hospital and then they showed up and I didn't want them going out in my garage. I was just, I was like, ah, fuck it. had a friend come over. We were going to do it. I said, you know what, dude?

2:28:08 It's freezing cold and you just have to be like, fuck this. like when people then go like oh can you do this what the fuck? Like, it's not all just that the only way for the steam to come out And then he's using this really soothing, caring voice that makes me face all of that shit that I didn't get growing up, which makes me angry at this person that's trying to help me.

2:29:55 crushing need to be liked. Well, the you that I get, I like. I will not accept your compliments. And he's great. I have a story and I suck right And because I had, it was really my fault. me wow so you you're really trying to come to grips with all this shit right now yeah because And they made some sort of, you comic made the comment you know thinking it was

2:32:39 oh, there's a guy has to do a little more work than I have to. You hang on to shit, and there's all that stuff, you know. But a guy like you, you don't want to see it. Yeah. But it seems uh much And, like, the first time I meet the kids, it's classic acting where it's just, like, you just show up. So the first day I met them, the way I love my kids.

2:36:02 I do shit jokes for a fucking hour. So I was freaking out about that. looked they looked real they looked like I love these kids so I got over that hurdle so like love struck like a lightning bolt and i'm just like that's like oh jeez like i i don't know how I can kind of relax a little bit. trying to communicate it to my wife So she has access to all of that shit. She's like, you're doing a movie. This is fucking great. And she has access, you know, opposites attract. So she has access to all of that shit.

2:38:36 And then I had a great time and I got over a bunch of hurdles and I was kind of like, They're not going to like me. I watched the initial cut of it, and then I saw the vinyl version of it and everything. And there's the opening scene that's in the movie initially was in the middle of the movie this fucking hilarious story about the you know when he the first cut that he watched of it like

2:40:40 You know, this guy's an icon. And then I had to be quarantined. I'm not watching TV. Just thinking. I mean, that's one great leap on the way to figuring it out is knowing what you're trying to work on. that do that i know they pay for it but there is something to be i'm reading this book right now on where the fuck did you go last night? you know not being like the legend but there's a great part in the book where he's talking about

2:43:51 I live at home. i love that in the lemmy doc when he just had all those bottles of bourbon the greatest thing like he's having a Coke. were rough though I remember he was such a fucking badass even like just the way he had the microphone the way he would sing No? Yeah. Yeah. No, this is the best part. switch the kid glove tone with me all right i'm just fucking around here i'm sorry bill see that

2:47:11 everybody knows and mature those wild people, the Bukowskis and the Sam Kinisons and the Lemmys and the people that just fucking go hard. meditate and i'm fascinated by them i'm fascinated by people like i was watching some uh do you know Yeah, I ain't going to go that hard. So I kind of just went down to the mat and I was doing all the thing. And just the fact that I fuck, you're walking around like you got it all figured out.

2:50:49 advice and telling you how to live your life. awesome i like i was after a while i would go i was just psychologically breaking this guy down And the old school ones, right? It was fucking funny. If there's that, you're not supposed to even say that if you're doing it, man, you just, you know, wherever your body's at is where you're supposed to be, right?

2:53:09 yeah shit on the hips and stuff yeah hey god bless him it's like a pied piper you got all these hot And he goes, this works on your psoas. at first it pissed me off He wound up like, this was like, I'm glad I wasn't the only one. But he's really sincere. then it becomes it's like like the guy with the You know? So I like the place that I go to, I just look at the schedule.

2:57:24 people just get annoyed. ari got a fucking six pack like ari got shredded like he doesn't even work out before that he was had that six pack again. trained for it but he but he it but he just he's mentally strong yeah I got so into it. and shit from my house and i was like i i don't think i i don't what am i gonna do there was no That's what they say happens when you do those ultra marathons,

3:01:00 to do in those those 24-hour races You have to eat. You run dry. F is for Family season four coming out tomorrow. I can't wait. Either or. It was great.