Joe Rogan Experience #1500001 — Bryan Callen Transcript

Transcript

0:00 We're ready to get shit crackin'. Always good to see you, my friend. Have you done your share yet? I was climbing up a landslide. That's smart. was like to my buddy i go dude he goes what i go And I mean no clothes. And by the time we... I also took a shit squatting. barefoot that's right that's right my feet were all cut up my skin was all gonna take I don't

2:15 yet another one of my shit stories. Dude, my buddy gave me just a handful. And we're climbing, man. And i just started literally just hallucinating you're better I'm not barrel-chested. And then I had this experience of somebody standing, like watching me and judging me. It was just the truth and so mean. And that shit gets whittled away. they work out way too much.

5:00 Really? That's young for me. can whip up you can get caught in hail storms you can freeze to death actually sometimes you know and you can check this on Fact Check, about uh there was uh there's been a bunch of disasters up there oh a lot of people have died all the bullshit we're extracting minerals well do you know That's right. You're tired, man. You can't take to those 20 wives that you've accumulated you got cocky when you were young

8:08 It's the craziest thing I'm marrying you. They don't. Yeah, it's just weird, man. A weird offshoot, you know. fucking read, but read the right things. I haven't watched the whole thing, this is, you're just you you know there was a really good and they talk about So it made sense that the iron would start to melt And you want to say like look folks

11:14 Not just that, but that that's the only way a building like that can fall. The problem with that statement that you read in the New York Times and everywhere else Resveratrol, right. We don't know why some kick on. with your immune system. When your immune system is strong for whatever reason and cells start And you want to be healthy. Was it called the scissors?

14:02 You're right. have a problem with. But it doesn't mean that it can't happen. it's got to be real careful about that yeah it So if you look at like – if you read like Bob Woodward's The War Room or you look at how like governments, the CIA, this defense intelligence, the National Security Agency, the White House. because she just didn't get along with him. She thought he was condescending, etc.

16:18 that there's some massive conspiracy Bush didn't have a lot of wisdom. Listen, he didn't have to. after we blow them the fuck up. was a fucking character that the guy believed there's certain people that's a man of legit administration. But, you know, there's a guy that really is a real American hero. He's the just pillage the world. It's like I have a joke about Occupy Wall Street,

18:42 Well, that's the thing. um, we're on a little bit where I think we're on different sides of the the, And so when you occupy Wall Street, What aspect of the investment community? that you had an incentive structure in place, an incentive structure, and a system with holes in Here's another thing. We may be out of a fucking job if we don't do this. and moving money around.

21:22 and I had two very big bankers who were in this, The Big Short? there are a lot of people, and they're not just Republicans, they're not just libertarians, It's really interesting. Countrywide mortgage. It's really interesting when you start really listening to the shit. and then it would be worth twice as much in two years. You just made a half a million dollars just like that?

24:04 He goes, you know how to make people laugh, right? and not give it 100% of your attention. hardest way to earn a living it's yeah it's right up there i watch these guys fight and i you know So much more difficult. And you're going to be exposed in front of all these people. I don't know. Dana likes the fight and Anderson Silva fight. Are they going to fight, first of all? Do we know? Who knows? I don't know.

25:38 You've got to realize that promotion and managing fighters and stuff, Then you got a thread going, man. He's a beast. He's on another level. He goes, that happened. Even if he lost everything. Like Sean McCorkle talks shit better than anybody. Instead of just because the guy survives and probably be late in the fight. And his triangle that he hit Brian

28:04 matter. He did everything perfect. How about that? When a guy's been humiliated a couple of times, On the menu is, I'm going to kick your ass. But he's a better fighter than back then. It's delicious hair. you're watching the guy. I'm a big fan of that guy. And that's tricky, man. think about how loose the tissue has to be inside of there. And if something goes wrong, if there's

30:27 He beat Brock Lesnar over a year ago, I believe. There's always that debate about what's the perfect size, built that way because of years of It doesn't make any sense. and all these fucking animals up there, And to have this fucking freak heavyweight Big Ben Rothwell, that's a perfect fight. Yeah, he just keeps going. at the most he's a bad motherfucker

33:12 or cats. not too small and if a guy like brock lesnar can't out muscle you i'm so depressed i'm 5 11 170 It's too embarrassing. It's just embarrassing. That's why you look at the real elite UFC athletes like PJ Penn and Nick Diaz. And that's all I was thinking the whole time. a pill that was a male doctor's laboratory. He's a male impersonator. I was grabbing his arm.

35:33 But I think there's something to that size in kickboxing He goes, they protect you against injuries, and he goes, and it's padding. But truth be told, Brett Rogers How is Alistair's wrestling? and that's how good interesting 40 pounds on him really is when you get stuck under the bottom of a guy like Brock Lesnar. Yes, an excellent wrestler. He's got nasty stand-up.

38:23 Dropped him, and then he completes a takedown. guy can take shots to when it seems to me of well you know they re uh they rehydrate with ivs and it helps it's definitely better than the I need to get a hold of this. Very bad for your brain. wrong. If he catches you with a big shot, he'll put you away. But I think he's so thick that, He's way scarier a puncher, too.

40:53 think he would he would be you know i think he would benefit from just having a little less mass was an excellent shot you know it could have put him out anyway but man it was disturbing how how And it was me and Nate Marquardt, and we were in my apartment. But, you know, I was talking window. like twisted around it's so funny to roll with guys like that just what they can do to you it's

42:50 Years. And I found that that is one of the effects of a severe concussion. you're doing all kinds of crazy, you're going crazy. So when you, when we were rolling, I've been punched. Yeah. Like David Tua. Turquoise. Yeah. I can't wear turquoise and be a badass turquoise Do you know any healers? It makes them for guys who are built exactly like me. something on stage i don't know what i'm gonna wear we have some great stuff and he brings me

46:27 You have to wear jewelry? You know, you see guys who are like, Girls like that shit. Ever since the family died in the fire. when I'm not running orphanages, Now that you've made so much money. You're going too far. She's got to pay her own fucking rent, man. Have you seen those things? I love going to Target with my cats. There's a guy that walks his cat on a leash by my house.

48:38 I might have said that. and they have a sign that says, But my history professor was like, You don't have to work out. the commodity of pussy is so goddamn powerful and it's totally the the percentage of the market So tell me about this dream you had again. So you had to want to fuck all the time So we have that same body and we want to fuck all the time.

51:30 If a girl walks by, it doesn't even matter if you want to fuck her. Worse than that, worse than that. and now what happens is you go to the supermarket or you swipe your credit card, okay? But he has an affair on... it's actually not that yeah that's my favorite part you know I'm biased something about those billboards that And I really like Chris, so I'm biased.

53:19 Yeah, but some of them are doing really well. That's Chelsea's. That's amazing. on stage she'd be out there laughing her ass off well you don't get that everybody how great i was Now you can stop lying. I think sitcoms are still worth it. that he was just programmed to be that way while you're in a relationship is cool. edge off it does but it's a disrespect issue in the first place you shouldn't be doing it you

55:40 We've all seen guys do that. You never know is right. That's all right. I know, but I'm beginning to think everything is fine. I'll take a couple years off. You'll have kids with them and then when they're like 20, the kids will be like 20. I know, but I'm beginning to think right now, but I see your point. What you've gotten through is absolutely perfect.

57:29 because of that, I mean, I definitely feel bad Yeah, a little bit. and to what makes you a fun guy. on the cover of the DVD and I'm on a mountain top that's hilarious It's not a real need. I see the devotion that you have as a father. You meet a guy like Alistair Overeem. You're grabbing his shoulders. People don't, you know, that's an interesting fight.

1:00:19 He was just, you know. you're crazy to think that you would ever want to do anything different. I spent a lot of time wishing I was somebody else. You have to understand what it's like to lose. of what partially You don't really. when you do fail. There was a guy recently, his dick. Found out the guy was a guy. Shot Did it really? You might have. I just had a lot of work done.

1:03:59 she's dancing she's dancing she's i'll start touching it. He said stop. I start dancing with her, and we're grinding. we start making out, and I'm kissing her, and there was a glass thing They can watch, i was just in love i'm gonna get her this is my girlfriend this is my girlfriend forever well, I grab a branch. How did I not know, dude? She was such a girl.

1:06:28 I looked in her eyes. Of course. Ready? My stomach is killing me. No, no. I know. I don't really give a fuck. Because it's so fragmented and odd. Joe? Let's be clear about this because we refer to each other as best friends. because you already gave away the punchline. Loved them. I can always sniff it. What do you tell most of all? with this one girl right sorry about the tranny but i was that with this one girl. Right. Sorry about the tranny.

1:10:35 I know this story. and we really wish you were here, and we were talking about you, And I got down there in five minutes. get down here he goes be right there gang he's there in two seconds we're drinking wine i'm chocolate chip cookies uh they're like uh yeah okay sounds good we get to the place uh he goes And he's like, what the fuck is this? I go, I'd rather be nowhere else in the world right now, brother.

1:13:04 He's fucking hairless. People don't know what an entertaining dude this guy is. He's the greatest. because you always laugh when you're around him. standing up on the pedals there was a restaurant kept interrupting Get the fuck out of here, man. He always says, he goes, He's trying to get his frog tongue in there. but the point is, You guys need to do something together.

1:15:47 and so does my buddy. So she's not liking Jimmy eating her out. and Jimmy can give a fuck. What the fuck do you need me to do? I had to do it. with a guy. That's what Anyway, so you happy and we're hand around my ass because you feel good brian i'm like yeah yeah it feels fucking good you know like that. Exactly like that. And close it out. You know what happened now let me

1:18:58 You can tell everyone in the world. went, fuck this. Turned around and Somewhere before Thanksgiving. Stay with me. What made you want to take it deeper? No, I haven't heard anything about it. except religions made by science fiction authors. What I don't respect is when people use lawsuits, Matt Stone and Trey Parker, they're too big. You know, I actually know a lot of Scientologists because I took class at the Beverly Hills

1:22:06 Yes. Have I taken classes helps me a lot. Well, what he did in creating through your life well even if you're not so so what? It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. Next, next. He was a nice fucking guy. But I absolutely agree with you when it comes to them. it's not indictment by a few, right? It's also very much like like researching him and stuff I just ways amazing we've talked about on the

1:25:08 He goes, because I'm a man and I put makeup on and I make believe for a living fucking meatballs and pasta all day and um you know and everybody was like wow that's amazing That's right. That's right. for the rest of his life what he was saying is you're not fucking professional. Yeah, what he was saying is, you're not fucking professional. I was at a child's movie.

1:26:57 Like, what the fuck are you doing, Bob? Make that money, son, and then come back and do something else crazy. how terrifying it is, It's like telling them that everything has to be fair now. ceo's wives um who got some of the government bailout money You start to feel invincible. I am going to take is what we're going to put a cap on it that's the cap he was trying to put on it he was like we're

1:29:47 47% of all of I went to Occupy Los Angeles last night. not to Obama, Change the rule. Yeah, the banks. I understand the arguments for the bailout. I will say that the banks have paid back all that money, though, which is pretty impressive. Yes. and we are truly becoming a global economy. that's a good thing to be yeah we remember most most innovation by a long shot comes out of the

1:32:40 And it's a truly American car. The U.S. exports a lot of their ideas and fun. That's my standard way of bringing it. Borrowing and credit, yes. But why with derivatives. And as long as that was self-contained, you know, derivatives put a lot It makes it a lot cheaper. who said, to a new set of rules, Yeah, it was exactly what I thought it was going to be.

1:35:10 so they would think that you're a bad guy. like people getting their tits painted and i'm like this is awesome it's good yeah that's good They had first aid. think maybe he saw my government issued bootsued boots and was trying to figure out... and turn them into violent protests. really have a financial i mean it's a small financial district but it's it's not like it's

1:38:09 There's speakers. I was like, wow, you don't say this every day, you know? and then there's tons of computers. come up with with solutions and ideas so you did see the good part of what's but the majority of such an ass because i had a tin can and there was those those three different colors of trash cans They didn't say recycling or garbage? There's a lot of people sleeping there.

1:40:27 Okay, but again, we're talking about the Los Angeles one. street firms are hiring tons of cops off-duty cops to do uh you know paid work there and they and maybe we'll throw in They're paying. I didn't know that was legal. I think the real enemy is that we are slowly, you don't do a goddamn thing unless you check with that lobby, unless you check with the people that

1:43:03 And if you look at Potomac, where they all live, or just Washington area, that is the highest per capita income in the country.