Joe Rogan Experience #1523 — Joey Diaz & Brian Redban Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Salute gentlemen Woo No you weren't much of a drinker Heineken has, for sure, the best non-alcoholic beer. That's why duels work. It's so crazy how beer, like I grew up on six packs and eight packs. Right around the time I was turning 18 was the time they made it 21 years old. People were mad about that. Huh, but when was it 21? And he raised it from 20 to 21.

2:48 prisoners. Yes. club med for four days. He's a fucking prisoner. I ain't gonna let him go to club med days, like a fucking, you know, like club med for four days. That came out of jail and shot the motherfucker who accused him. You know, you're letting out some guy who's selling mushrooms. when you go to county? Yeah, my friend Robbie has that. So if it was cold out, like we were playing pool, and I go, how long does that take?

4:49 I had a friend that did that he used to just pay people $5 to blow in there They'd broken the Tesla. I didn't find out that part of it, but it was actually a 20-year-old ever since the Houston trip, you've been a different person. Well, I've been thinking I mean, is Houston like that? my family was Democrats growing up and I always felt like that was like the

7:04 But there's some universities that know in the middle of nowhere too We're totally accustomed to it. There was a standoff with the feds and a compound, So it had to be pre-90s. fucked with me that week. I snorted that that was just a car filled with some sort of explosive that did that. There are some fucking insane people out there. Look at how it blew.

9:50 They saw the FBI carrying off bombs, like that there was more than one bomb. But being a moron and not knowing shit about explosives, That's a hell of a fucking bomb. I think he just left it there. You think of those kind of people. exactly what it was but it was an egregious overuse of power i mean they murdered these people It's Tony Kyrtis. I'd never even heard of it.

13:06 Some poor fucking governor with a gun to his fucking head. It's your birthday, cocksucker. You can't just shut things down. I see an 18-month comeback, and that's a guy with a GED. But I'm looking at this as an 18-month recovery. Joey, you just went off on Joe Burbank ain't bad right now. though. of Burbank. things are coming. An earthquake. Joe Rogan, that's crazy.

16:02 show all the guns they got in for the day. people are not going to listen they're going to want to party they're going to want to still go They had the right money behind them. No matter what happened, no matter what shut down, Like, you can't just keep everything shut down for five months. Not a word about drink water. Not a word about And look, they weren't prepared. That's all

18:28 Nobody knew what the fuck this was. I can't hang out But Garcetti's too. that brother pulled out a piece. Yeah, that motherfucker tapped. It's, look, there's bad people in every fucking job. New York has record crime, man. Does triathlons and shit. He's not going anywhere. Yeah. right off the street? they clip your catalytic converter. Let me tell you guys a fact.

21:36 Always called a non-emergency line by the way Why are you pressing one? Think about press Spanish and see how quick they fucking pick up the phone. They're watching that video of live footage. this company started in 1773. That is fucking delicious. They have a weed scam today. If I had a toothache on the way home, I'd stop and get a little pint of Jack, do shots, gargle with it, and work the tooth.

24:22 Tim Stacks, Tim Stacks, what you gonna do? From the nerve. They sent me there. I got two of them that have copped to me. I was 21. Y me iba a dar un palo. listen, man, I found one of your brownies one night That's the best doctor I've ever had. how does this even out? Listen, By the age of 13, I saw the theft at the municipal level. I saw how things got done, you know.

27:54 no I'm agreeing you buy yourself into this oh yeah you know what as far as I'm saying because of the social despair. I don't want to see some guy run through a parking lot in La Jolla Is there a disease? Thank God I do copy you. Beautiful. You put COVID, anything. Now it's 7. I'm here to call for Joe. So every time Jeopardy comes on now, I get pissed off.

30:37 Yeah, I'm a dumb fuck. husband, all that shit. You write it down. And all of a sudden, I got taken away. days, where people thought of the to each other there was so many people that were supporting each other and because everybody had man like for the first year i was back i was like i can't even believe i'm back first show i did back It beat it. I knew people like you. Not as funny as you but i knew people that were like brilliant but

34:21 It's harder for someone like you. i my uncle fucked me and i'm don coke and i'm only 15. And that there's a lot of those people out there, too. No, I knew that too. And the story is that I became a regular. She caught me at the right time. After 11, it got crazy in there. It got so special that it got overly special. like before they go to war, Bradley

37:14 It was pretty fucking interesting. I wish I would have gone to more parties maybe. and I'd be happy as fuck that they were yawning and everybody has families I want to eat this. I played the game, dog. You're wasting your time. And someone from CBS wanted you to do something? Meet me tomorrow. I started out with like 19 pages. I just nodded. You got to think about this one because he's big time.

41:15 Vanilla Sky. Nicole Kidman. But whoever played the doctor, that he has the girl all coked up. Friedman, that guy. Some people can just fucking do it. Then I got it. No, then I got came. I've been doing comedy six years. Some people can just fucking do it. How hard is it to act? Ice Cube. No acting classes, no nothing. Bro, Tupac made some weird movies, Joe.

43:27 What about the one at the same time? Bullet with Mickey Rourke? There's videos of it. He was talking to you about... No, I'm not lying to you. I saw that guy. That's no Armando That's a bold move. but in this movie, you would suck his dick. Is that that guy Ben Is that what happened No, I'm all right. The FDA-approved one is good. Whatever she just said, that's not true.

46:53 The best way to find out apparently is you draw blood and then they do an analysis of the blood. You haven't heard from Tyler Perry any complaints. That's why a lot of them, and they're trying to do it fucking, you know, Then you go to Van Nuys Airport. mingle with B or C. I've been paying dues, just like you. It's going to cost a million dollars to do it

49:07 for you to they got one at the White House and fucking you know separate it can't do that i pay dues i want to fucking nurse that bitch stay home and take $600 from the It didn't used to be you come in contact and you think you might be going. except Chris I think he was hospitalized Like he looked like he was ready to go do a triathlon. I get people not wanting to work.

52:11 This is not a normal time. This is not a normal scene. You can't just have people broke like this for five months and not even let them work. You and I try to support restaurants. Oh, my God, Joe Rogan. They're not making much. Out of the country's finest public servants as my running mate. One of them might be the vice president of the United States.

54:08 You had me all scared to death. I'm a moron. I'm worried about space. Everybody's bitching, but this is the first time It's not just that. It's not just that. Now places that weren't getting it are getting it again. Government strong when the economy's fucked and the people are unhealthy That is the biggest scam in the fucking world. Like maybe it takes more time, but maybe they're better at it.

57:11 and they made me part of their family. And I got to be very—I was that guy's son. in your pocket and that's all B. And I mean,, column A and column B. So if I side with Joe Rogan in North Bergen and Joe Rogan loses, This is the way you... Listen, you're going to vote for these guys. Get off my porch. The active mayor in North Bergen now is very good.

59:43 Very clean. He's in Tom's River. You know who lives in Edgewater? cop shows still. All that Hudson County, And you've got to pick a side. It's a way to keep everybody in line. Like, you're not squeezing my neck yet, but it seems like, They put a gun to your head and go, put another zero next to that number. about it, you're like, what the had to resign years later,

1:02:18 City. We're going to lose Mexico City. and fucking put guns to your head put a zero on that number something about people having that kind of power over your life like that If you're running away, they can shoot you. entails. or an announcer I saw how they had to blow steam off because of the things they saw. I've never said the word pig on any podcast.

1:05:32 I'll get you. He lives in Telluride, and he was involved in the JonBenet Ramsey case. They go, your buddy the cop retired. Just, there was two of them, all right? Yeah, the jewelry store said in full arc so i was just buying time i knew they were gonna catch me eventually that one cop even when is this fucking cop going to remember me from the credit card thing?

1:08:34 You give it to somebody, you take an ounce of coke and you steal one shoe. No, I fucking searched everywhere. I go, I don't know what happened. You know, so how did you get there? That's all I cared about was this wedding. So we went back and forth for like six hours, I swear to God. I was playing them. Oh, yeah. It was a film. Sorry, Charlie. no, it doesn't work that way

1:11:57 He was there when I went off one day, Cuban style. But here's the beauty. I'm starting to learn what it's all about to be a man. Never. Wow? Never. has got a stake over his eye because I You can't use a racial slur. It was that bad, like how bad i went off but it was four years of getting tortured think of you torturing me for four years I just was doing well.

1:15:05 first, but I liked Bill Hicks good man. I met him at the store and I told him Second time I got paid, I did Jays in Pittsfield, Love that guy. So I'm on stage talking to the crowd, and it just became the funniest part of the act. And that's like, you know, you got people just blasting their horn. He said he bombed in a park and he actually heard crickets real cool

1:17:32 He was Italian. It was like 12 people in the restaurant, tell you. At that level, it's So I went through that shit. You'll rip your shoulders apart. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. So, no, I got to write the plan out so people see that there's a method of my fucking madness, okay? Yes. You've got to wait for the Laker game to go on. And then you killed time.

1:20:53 and I would go on after you, and you were on 11.30. So it was good. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. because what are you gonna do you got santino you You got Ian Edwards. You got all these people back to back to back to back I want a Spotify lighter. I mean, that's the closest to tasting a saddle I've ever tasted. This is Josh Barnett's personal whiskey.

1:23:17 You don't? Look inside that skull eye. Maybe go to your car, So I was like, what do I do here? Like, everybody at 78 is everybody But I live stream it anyway. Comedy is different with a small amount of people. Oh, no, it's all tags. unless somebody comes up from behind you and hits you in the head, You don't know what you're talking about. It's like history like

1:27:15 I remember fucking watching Letterman in 82. The first comic I listened to, The fuck you listening to? I ran home to the bar and I worked my mom for five bucks. So she couldn't hear. And I would bring that album to people's houses, He fucking turned me on to Richard Pryor when we were 10. And I remember that night, the way, like, I still remember the night that kid killed himself.

1:30:48 My grandfather loved Sanford and Son. During Lent with a white pizza? That was the weird thing. Yeah, it wasn't good. It still holds up. Oh man. Oh, that's not his cool name anymore. That cocaine, those guns. Yeah, that's his son. You know why I still remember that night? Holy shit. The guy had been buried in, like, 1920. and I pissed in my own pants.

1:34:01 on Friday nights on me, like fucked up. Are you fucking retarded? I can't handle this no more. that's it, you gotta go to your godmother's house. Nobody would even say anything. And dudes wear white socks, and they have the full kung fu outfit on, it's a nice shortcut to, shortcut to instantly you seem like a guy who thinks of things in a different way.

1:36:08 Oh, that's a good move. But the kung fu outfit, not so much. I'd have to use the Visine. That was my thing. and I had a little bit of blood on my lip I was embarrassed. She asked me what happened, and I was like, I cut my lip. I did that once. And then she would call the boys and shit. It's the reason why I got left back. We could make out and shit.

1:39:18 Oh, Santonio, where the fuck are you? You know, I was in the sixth grade, seventh grade. No, I guess it was 10th grade. Eddie and me were tight. Left this beautiful German girl behind. And on Friday nights after Eddie left, I mean, we were just friends. No sex. They weren't, you had to go for it. You got to walk them home and rub their back and tell them they're not going to go to hell.

1:42:14 She called me when she got home. okay you know something happened and it was After that I went straight. And when you're 17, your dad or your mom or school, time. That's so normal. All those TV shows, they slept in separate beds. Bro, I know this dude that you know that Marilyn Monroe fucked him when he was 16 and she was 22. No. and the Godfather.

1:44:45 Yeah. It's really full. Like over this last, I's a lot. My memory is full. It's really full. But if you read If that's some horrible man I want to speak to an officer, Marilyn Monroe fucked my son. Is there a movie about that? That's hilarious. 15-year-old kid, and Marilyn Monroe Can you imagine him telling his friends, and they're like, get the fuck out of here.

1:47:02 Put her over next to that 15-year-old kid. I had a date with Marilyn Monroe, Get in the limo, bitch. There was a gym teacher in my school that fucked. You guys got to drop me off at Miss whatever's house. Now, did everybody talk about it did she I'm not sure Sophomore summer. She's got kids. She was a freak They always knew a lot about rock. Oh, yeah.

1:50:11 Doesn't give a fuck about cancer. Old fashioned. It was very old school. Old fashioned. And then the shit that you hear once you move here. I don't know what to believe. who was known for having underage girls, and he didn't really kill himself, and everybody knows it. So there's either going to be some type of disruption. He said that Jack Ruby getting cancer and dying so quickly, like that didn't really make sense.

1:53:05 No helmet? I was like, do you need a license for that? You should have a license you do you guys are going kind of fast something at 30 miles an hour that's way different than okay let's say 15 something You can just pick one of these things up with no license and you're going 15 miles an hour booking down the streets To rent it, not buy it. But if someone's a slob, right?

1:55:17 You can go fast. Where's your helmet? They banned them because they were being dropped all over the place nightmare. Whoever invented that. Operating while intoxicated. My brother, I took a bike riding during this quarantine. Why? Jesus, don't tell people that. I see it. is kind of weird. There's people walking. The dog can't stay home. Where do you think Coke is up to?

1:58:27 COVID. The most complicated tunnel they've ever discovered. They sacrifice one, so you have a big victory for Fox News. chapo out you ever see that the el chapo one's amazing el chapo goes to take a shit and never He's a mile away. And when he does it, he just disappears. So here's to take a shit. He's like this is like take a shit area and They're like, fuck it.

2:00:50 Crazy. The guy. Then you have the season of the Cali cartel. Wagner Mora. Oh, he could act as asshole. And the guy is gay. This is season three and four, or season three is the Cali cartel. right now. That we've seen The English guy is the real deal. Leave me alone with Tom Hardy. But the dude who fucking does Narcos Mexico, the little dude, that dude is on a different level.

2:03:46 That's the gay one. And it was a weed that was grown with no seeds, So it was easier to pack and easier to smuggle. Explain the male-female plant thing. Like hermaphrodites or something. Yeah. This went on for days where they just grew this weed. Look at that. You can have real plants. That dude there, that little Mexican right there. He was also in Star Wars.

2:07:02 You can go. Why is it stuck in Nicaragua they don't even look like drug dealers Oh, Jesus. Pablo had a hippopotamus. Sure, and the guy agreed to it. Narcos, the first two seasons of three seasons of Narcos is very sad for a guy like me. It's like the first time you realize the Kennedy hit was done by the CIA amounts of weed they were bringing in. just saying no.

2:10:29 The real Rick Ross. Oliver North. I will continue to bring you fucking weapons. There was one that just happened. I erased that part. Right after taking off My mom would make extra money on the side when she worked at Wendy's and take those planes down to like Atlanta and drop off stuff. I did one of those motherfuckers. They did them right. The one who ran the island.

2:13:38 Okay? hey, come here. Listen to what they did, okay? They fucking threw the doctor off. Wow. And they bought everybody out, but there was this one white dude. there they're doing pornographic you know they're running in planes of blow wow and this is one they When was this? So what they did was this. What they did was this. It's got 2,000 years. So what they did was this.

2:16:06 Think if you're making $20 million a day and you're just addicted to coke. an original YouTube star yeah so what they did was but he wasn't posting on Look up the sentence. He gave them information that he was, he also, not beside having his island, that that was also a distraction. This guy in Blow is based off of him. his father is Henry Hill. You mean... And one day...

2:18:56 Jamie's a psychic. And he goes, what are you talking about? He's in a palace. That's probably early 60s, maybe even 50s that thing's amazing Sweetheart. his car and he's got the dopest choice in vehicles look at that god damn what a car For sure, with cars. I have a real Bronco. I have a real Bronco. It's like a – it's an Icon. It's like all mechanical and shit.

2:22:31 And so that's the problem. enough. I am thirsty. Have you got one of those folds? Did you fall The thing about iPhones is, here's the thing. I get it instantly. They're better resolution. Apple Pay. It takes three seconds. I remember Dana White told me about that in 2005. Or voicemails. If you're still text messaging me, like it depends what day, but there's just people I just erase.

2:25:25 if you know me that well, Because if you didn't worry Right? But I'm saying you should TikTok. Let me tell you something. Yeah. Yeah. And we're all like, yes! You took your fucking shirt off and you started singing into the microphone it was most likely Friday or Saturday No, it isn't. But then I looked at it differently. So I copied. Yes, yes. Once you take that side of music and you mix it with what we're trying to do

2:30:03 You cannot give a fuck. So I studied what, you know, just a couple of singers have this Joe Rogan that you could tell what they're singing about by looking at their body. are playing is a gift but it was worth doing it one time, Joe Rogan. Dude, to this day, man, when I do my kickboxing workouts, nine out of ten times, I put on That's the story of Leonard Skinner.

2:31:58 Some people have riffs where they just go off. No, this guy has got a whole... When he hits the leap, when he leaps in the air and slams down on the guitar. I study this. You'd have to get up really early in the morning Yeah, I got to see Allman Brothers a few times. like Blues Traveler or somebody like that, really charming really smart he's good on instagram too like his live little videos and stuff he makes

2:34:41 Yeah, I think we have to. This is the thing. There's the no ability to work for too many people thing. Yeah, they can hang with anybody on the planet. budget there one night what's up with you why are you giving me weird looks all night today I went and I got my medication. it is where I live now. And she's like, I didn't take your wallet. And he hauls off and smacks the decks like fucking

2:37:20 my car and took off because there was a lot of shooting So I'm going south down Lancashire. Okay, I'm about to hit Magnolia, the chubby guy. and catch him at the end He sees me and he runs left instead of right. What is happening? Can I talk to you? quarter to nine. We're talking and all of a sudden you hear, bah, bah, bah. And then you hear, bah, bah,

2:40:08 So the axe handle just came out of nowhere and hit this lady in the head? New York and Chicago are both really bad right now. and it's just horrible. You start by yourself. You got it, bitch. They just didn't want the current system to be in place. and helps people feel safe. It helps rich people protect their money and helps people feel safe. And I think that we can lean one way or the other here.

2:43:04 it. We fucked it up. We have to figure with a problem we didn't expect, and we didn't do a good job hitting it. And we What would you do different than Garcetti the amount of drug addicts, the amount of people who commit crime. They're all connected. People one thing which was you don't want people to die of the disease how do we make sure that the

2:44:52 And I'm not apologizing for them either. It might have worked. This shit is crazy contagious. He came up with it. Nobody saw this coming. It might be more positive, it might be not. And their life's not so great anyway, Would it be better if we just, like, chanted, sang songs, have a cause where anybody can join, and it's attention whores as activists.

2:47:58 and light buildings on fire. They're there too. And then everybody thinks they're fucking heels in. the president of agriculture the president of the environment someone who only knows that one because they're fracking that's real that's totally possible Is fracking what caused that earthquake in North Carolina? What is it? they've been able to suck a lot of it out of the ground but for people that live there

2:50:32 Were you highlighted? Not enough for a person to feel. they have. What if they have like 300 And good luck if you have, like, a water source that's connected to that, The focus of the study, a 5.7-magnitude quake near Prague, Oklahoma, and they drink your milkshake, You're going to see me anytime you want. Why not? Ten thousand dollars cash in hand

2:53:36 No, I never really watch videos. I know what you're talking about, but I don't see it. Oh, I see huh? that's so weird I've never even heard of that or I mean I have heard of it but I You know, it's like overhead stuff. You know that? Vegas? Well, I got tested today. Keeping away from people. All right. But once you get accustomed to it, because I've been doing it for months and months.

2:56:46 I'm like, that's stupid. You want to get the fuck out of there. Like it's you do 180 for a half an hour, ooh, those last five minutes are rough. You want to get the fuck and deal with it. He smells like success. Dude's a savage. You're balancing on the waves themselves. That's amazing. That's like showing up with a line of coke and leaving me alone.

2:59:08 I'm excited to do some Bob Gonzo shows and just fucking, Old ones. What I was thinking five months ago and what I'm thinking now is completely different. But you didn't record it. The breakdowns. What happened? Something had now. What happened the last five months? The breakdowns. You know who's going to light that stage on fire first? He's going to come at this with a complete different outlook.

3:01:07 April. Do you guys think they should let people work? In and out. I went to get my haircut done for that week that it was open. I retweeted that map. I didn't even check. They can't do it at their house. Yes, you can. those tunnels for the Mexicans. They're hitting them with some crazy fines, like $15,000 out here, they said that they can't even have you

3:03:36 Seems like it is. Because I feel like if everybody just went back to work and wore masks, how much quicker would the disease spread? You know, like it seems like that makes sense. Wear a red flag. Neither did I. Not really. I was very, very, very, very, very, and you know this, upset about the standout. And I pleaded with you not to go to Houston. I called Brendan as a man. I understand the need to need money, but I don't understand

3:06:11 clubs are open? Arizona, This is what you said, Joe Rogan, why are you going to Texas? And then how'd you call me on Monday? I just got a blood test. Oh, please. You probably can like four out of five times or eight out of ten times or 12 out of 15 times. So I'm done there. We're doing all this stuff. I go in, I do the or four people, we got it. 10 feet. It's really

3:09:10 and I'm fucking yelling, Do you know what I smelt So I don't even know what we're talking about. We're going to survive. Go on. avoid the TV. And if you him. Then he started crying and shit like this. This is why I started the Patreon. You know, I'm done. Let's just get out of California, detox a little bit, and let's talk. sorbity knows who we're coming from a mini cult a mini a comedy mini comedy

3:12:12 Right. fucking tremendous Emilio Vestaves Can an alligator survive heard lobsters but i heard that was fake that losters don't starve to death? Lobsters don't have to eat. Oh. They just shrink with cells. the size of Boeing 747s in the wild. that crocodiles are as old as it's like why is it right there and why is everybody not freaking out 80 million years

3:14:55 And we went to this lake. Crocodiles were too mean. If you live in Florida, you get alligators in your yard all the time. Look at that cat. It bites them right in the head. Cats are the scariest. This is it? Go shit blood for three fucking days. Have you had an i hop burger yeah no they're frozen oh jesus christ bad I'm not a big syrup guy. It's so delicious.

3:17:45 I eat two or three of those Filet-O-Fish. When they first came out. I like Egg McMuffins, You get a bacon McGriddle. Oh, yeah. the menu if people like it so much? They can't buy it all that frequent. You're manipulating people's desires? religion and you don't want to pay they just start dropping dead. So they were like, And they always give her the wrong toy anyway.

3:20:40 So two weeks ago I had to go in there with the mask on and go, And the manager said, let me help you out. So I had to go in there and get fired up. Listen, I grew up in a house where I wasn't allowed to eat fast food, only in Miami. She'd go, I wonder who the fuck that is. days, when I first I forget. That's our staple. I remember. That's it right there.

3:23:24 With that fucking garlic chicken with the raw onions in that sauce. All you heard was, Papa, don't hit me no more. I'm getting the fuck out of Los Angeles. And lowering the police and defunding the police from the schools. It's tough. I just want a to mix and match. It's tough. But sometimes I'd rather not be Willie Mays and go play for the Mets. She used to say it best. What's that lady we grew up on?

3:25:25 Have you adapted well? Don't stand up. But my plan right now You and I will talk business. Okay. Brian, you need to learn how to chop wood. People would love to see Kiltun. And I want Montana because it's hard to get there. What's Montana's weed laws? Or, excuse me, in Hawaii. You know? Just to make sure. So he's in Tucson. start singing in church they get hit it's like those are the people that get hit like churches

3:28:51 I'm just saying that for right now, if they're living with you, fine. Yeah, and then you're fucked. Wait till the vaccine. You guys came to my wedding. How weird it is. No, I'm going to take your kick. Uncle Joey Power Hour. Sell the shirts at You Know Me Dog Guarantee. Absolutely. Do it before Spirits is a good one, too. Bye, everybody.