Joe Rogan Experience #1528 — Nikki Glaser Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Three, two, one. Yeah. We're junkies. in a park. No. It was good. But I had good shows. is like a terrible club. capacity when we were there, and I'm like, but I felt bad that maybe the audience got there and was like, we were sold a different I mean, the guy is just struggling It's a real good question. There's going to 4,000 businesses friend that's a cop as well.

4:06 Yeah. There's no reason for me to go back there. Because I was supposed to have a really good year because I was going on a theater tour that, you know, ended. waited a month, I could have saved so much. So yeah, I've got an empty place there. My It must be weird for her, too, because it's an empty city. So you're just in, I mean, my apartment's pretty nice.

6:04 I think I saw Att tell the other day. But I never thought in my life that I would see something relatively minor How much worse would it be? People always go, why? eye on them. Why would they stop dynamite? The really big sightings, all of them came post the Manhattan Project. terribly concerned about us And, you know, this is something that people will go and they'll study.

9:51 It's so cute. Yeah. Djibouti. Djibouti. Researchers from Duke Lemur Center Association, Djibouti Nature, and the Cal Academy found Oh, yeah, you're right. I think so. We have the ability to destroy all life on the planet. This is the question. because not only is it a crazy thing that an organ doubles in size over a period of two million years And this human brain is the one organ that baffles scientists.

12:48 We had more access to nutrients. and they found these primitive primates a great dane can have sex with a chihuahua if it's possible or a bulldog and make this like Oh, yeah. Right. But the hybrids aren't viable. donkey and that creates a mule? So it's a mule is a cross between a horse and a donkey. They're more durable. The horse and a donkey makes a mule.

16:38 Think of a football player's muscle build compared to that of a ballerina's. Both are very strong, Right. Yes. If you were from another planet and you had no idea what a human is, you'd be like, oh, They can't breed. And so their body developed this sort of like a solar panel for vitamin D. clothes and it's cold out and it's cloudy. Like a pill. You do need the other stuff.

19:52 Yeah. Take your D. I'm scared of giving it to my wife's mom or a guest. That was fun. So I got tested then during the day. It's for the documentary for Showtime. Yeah, it was like Whitney and Annie Letterman and Bill Burr and Jay Leno was there and Paul Rodriguez. He's trying out jokes on us, too. Yeah. Right. You know, check everybody. They're not making as much money as they used to.

22:42 There is. And I try to direct people to folks like Rhonda Patrick, who will tell you exactly what the studies are. I take a bunch of different things. So that's really easy for me. Like, fish oil, that's a giant We have CBD drinks, these CBD kill cliffs. Two weeks ago. just from stress. And I'm just like So once a week I wash my hair and it just feels like I'm just, you know, that I was in a fight or something.

26:20 I tweeted it I was just like don't put this out there. I hate when people tweet, like, cries for help. But it was yours that it really touched me because we don't like text regularly. But that was like it was just such a real like loving text. I've been trying to reach out to a lot of friends lately over the last two months. No one's touching each other anymore.

27:36 The only thing that's saving me is this. And yeah, it's weird to just hang out with my nieces and nephews. If I even get close to my grandparents, I hear, no, no, no, no, no. you worry that between the time you got tested and the time you're seeing that person you might I'm so annoyed. How could you not wear one? You know, that's what they're doing.

29:58 I had a driver the other day that had his nose exposed. think is a little much just like walking down the sidewalk. ultraviolet light, and also actual sunlight. There was a spike after that. 100%. It has to be. I'm going to be behind a pumpkin. Was it Ben Shapiro said? And then I don't remember hearing about the spike that happened. Okay? But I also don't think you should stop people from working.

33:04 Yeah, because when you're at that point, you're not- Yeah, and then- Right. So instead of breathing for you, it just introduces more oxygen into your system. Just to be polite. Even though I don't think I really need to be wearing it, I'm going to do it. And then you get there and people are hugging and people are close. When he had that big rally, when he had it in a stadium, no one was wearing a mask.

35:27 I mean, even I go into these parties being like, I'm going to keep my distance. I'm only going if walking through the door. Aren't those coming out soon? you test them all on the line. to do that you could think i thought anything else could happen in my career i'll always have stand up to fall back on well everybody thought that and because they're not filming anything.

37:16 I can't even teach martial arts Nobody wants to. No. Hey, we like just. okay but i'm like i'm not doing that like if I'm writing, if I wanna write a book, and the consolidation of words. write down the great Gatsby line for line. Yeah. came as a stand-up, started out just like trying to copy people. And just trying to figure out how do you do this and watching it so much

40:06 You picked that up from Gaffigan. is all based upon me a baby and I would just start That's why sometimes I can't watch some of the stand-ups I love because I just start sounding like them. because she was a freak. So like I just 21 and she was older Okay. that's interesting i don't want to why wouldn't you just think they're attracted to you because

42:59 What do you want? And especially since I've gotten a little bit more famous, And a guy that has been interested in me and asking me out a ton. No, I didn't say no. I mean, that's how I feel. the picture because he felt liked hanging out with you. I'd love to take you out sometime and I It happens. got a picture with Nikki Glaser and they're like we don't know who she is what is she like ew she's

45:56 For a guy, that's standard. I think you're really great. Mouth mask and sleep mask. I want to make a statement that like I hate all of you not wearing a mask, and now I have to doubly protect myself, and look what you've made me do. I've been caught in conversations on planes with people. Or you put your sleep mask down and they're talking and you have to lift it back up.

47:56 And I did. I said there was like some I don't I don't know. at my gate or like on the plane it just never never happens to me. And so I'm like, yes And this might be the one. we need to switch this to like a flirty kind of we need to talk about dating or something to get us You could have mentioned her five minutes in. But why? No, it wasn't his fault.

51:05 Don't waste my money. I know. And I continued the conversation because then I go, you know what, Nikki, why can't you Yes. Drop a seed. Your life. I like that. I feel like, you know, Broke up and got back together, broke up and got back together. And like doesn't want to. Like you're seeing the babies. So, yeah, I mean, I... I really do. As soon to, never imagining that it's ever

54:49 So this guy, this guy cares about you. He won't just hook you up? I'm not good at it. oh my God, we're going to be something, and then we created a show together on comedy central and then um and then that show got ever in my life but I was younger and not that I think I know right or it's way. Like we were talking earlier about, not that I think I know, right?

57:14 He's not going to feel bad. I just got kind of horned up when you said, when I pictured passing a guy and someone to get to know me. The problem is And then here's the other problem. You just used me for sex. Why don't you want to be my Why don't you want to spend time with me all the time? Why don't you want to be my man? get you juiced up. Yeah. he's gonna text me again bob is that you i know okay i need to talk if his girlfriend is listening

59:57 I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not going to say it has nothing to do with that I feel like I'm already acquainted with them. No one? Or like Stockholm. It's about addictions. I downloaded Like that's kind of the same thing. People are addicted to those. Yeah. Yes, you go from, I never want to see you again. oh, I should have went right on that guy. Can you go back? I feel like Rose on the left? Because sometimes you're just like, oh, what does this app think of me? What if you fuck up and you go, oh, I should have went right on that guy.

1:02:17 You could have been the one go like and it wouldn't work wearing a tank top Whenever a guy writes that, I'm just like, you're poor. I just, like, get so angry at these apps. It's not like I'm going to take care of that. and then develop a crush on and then I decide I got a guy who texts me. it's we're talking an A-lister I've known about him for years, been a fan.

1:05:29 And it's just like And then maybe I can virtually jerk you off or whatever I really do think he like cares about me, But you're here right now. He'll know. I doubt he's told anyone that we're friends or texting. wants to like have sex. Right. So COVID's five, six months, right? I think before my special, he didn't think much of anything. And then he watched my special, and was like I think before my special he didn't think much of anything

1:07:58 You're sensitive I like that. I don't get horny that much. in a relationship and like having it. a lot that I deal with Yeah, that's part of the problem. Yes. it's with gambling it's with drugs and that they used to think that they're different things Amy Winehouse, that's how she died. She's in so much pain. Yeah, dude. side of that food addicts terrible yeah I'm a definite

1:12:35 plugged in and if I don't have porn, I'm just not getting off. I've never been someone who can do it Like step mom stuff? a while back that was like if I put out a hit on the dark web for you to be gang raped and asked So I pay like 30 bucks a month for kink.com. I always have to have it's I have to punish myself first and so orgasms are not something that like I

1:14:52 like I'm totally scared of shitting everywhere is no one else scared of that Right. You tied me up. No, never. You can't find one where they're just like, good job. They spit in her face. And I do feel guilty about all of this because I'm a feminist. having that done to me. Why do you like it? But yeah, dude, I'm watching. i can also see my my descendants into depravity through the years. I can see where I started

1:18:39 in distress. As soon as she these girls go to where they learn to be sluts. have to be like oh i guess i have to do it it's not my fault that i'm a whore and they i just like So many women do. It's an interesting phrase, consensual non-consent. So you could stop it at any time because you have a safe word and you have all these things. But it's it isn't rape so women that go i have a rape fantasy and think that's like quirky about

1:21:11 But they only like it to be done by people they want it to be done by. That appeals to me. Oh, yeah, that's good. Maybe. Yeah. Like, it does not, but when I get hooked on it, like, it's the same way I abstain from pot. close. Yeah, you were very intense about it. But that's okay. And there's stuff from like pre 9-11. That's the problem. You see them consent to all of it and then it happens.

1:25:51 More people are going to hear it. So they start off mild. Like, that's not something that, like, you just slide there eventually. two people are hanging out and the Yeah. And then there's something about where people need to escalate. other than just sex. Yeah. It is weird. Because if you escalate, so think about the escalation in porn. Okay, what if I blindfold...

1:28:46 Then he moved on to rapes. Like, it feels good to, like, lose like lose consciousness and like come out of it and be pushed to that This is really interesting because Parkinson's medication, apparently what it does is it spikes dopamine. started having risky gay sex, like really risky. And the man, I believe he's from Ireland. Right. Didier. That's too close to Didler.

1:31:41 Good Lord. ReEquip belongs to a class of drugs called dopamine antagonists, or agonists, that relieve Finally give me some permission out of nowhere. aren't necessary and are just scary sometimes because the things i think and the things i that I got on stuff. And then ever since then, I've been I've struggled 18 and then I was so depressed from that because it just like starts eating your brain that I got on stuff and then ever since then I've been I've struggled with depression I think

1:34:23 be causing other problems or exacerbating the current ones. What do you do? Yeah, man. Yeah, I guess. Thank you. No, I've been in a good place since Saturday. I know. Went to the doctor's office, and they give you fucking ketamine, and you trip balls. Yeah. Okay. You know, right now, things are really not everyone's career hit a wall. is trying to push him to organize

1:37:58 Bert's got a lot of different things Bert will tour in a bus and hit a different place every night, And he was like, I can't do shots. Like, what are you doing? Do you get depressed? I know. Yeah, push yourself. I need to I enjoy it while I'm doing it, but I get to a place where I don't enjoy it. With a sweatsuit with tiny little hand weights. then i screw in this uh collar and i have like a an olympic plate on my back and so i do uh i'll

1:40:57 Oh, yeah. How about that World of Warcraft story? playing five six hours a day after podcasts right and it was like for months and i'm like stop and Drinking, the problem with drinking is it always has a negative physical effect. Yes. what's gonna what's something that i don't let myself get to that oh that's good yeah i don't I know me. What are we choking?

1:43:49 You're just the best version of yourself if you're pushing yourself. What does that mean? Do I forget to eat? Yeah. It's a lull. That was the thing that I feared. People still haven't recovered that got it back in March. They have still I know. People don't ever recover. People still haven't recovered. They got it back in March. really make sense because it's not like any other

1:45:58 Like Michael Yeo got it real bad where he was hospitalized and he is, he's still suffering I do so much, though. It's supposed to be able to fight things off. Flew to New York. kids in the car screaming, yelling. So he's practicing for auditions, His mom kicked it in a day. Oh, really? One day, yeah. Because mean, that used to be the way I lived my life, too. He gave it to his mom. His mom kicked it in a day.

1:48:14 I sleep. Do you keep the phone out of your bed? I mean, what's your app that you just get? are you doing are you just like in the moment trying maybe i'll watch music fights okay if i'm articles I read like things that you can't Jesus. Now I move it like, oh, don't be a pussy. Oh, yeah. Or it's like, oh, we probably shouldn't be doing this. starting to affect your well-being

1:50:41 Do you feel like you're white knuckling over here. I could hear him walking. And the Why? I should have got him. becomes unhealthy. No more than that. I'm doing like – I do rounds. Like a curves gem. light is when you're calm and then a blue light It's 30 seconds of just assault. and then the blue light comes on again thing so you can't you can only do it

1:54:03 It's been doing it for so long that if I don't do it, it just goes, when is it coming? I cry when I'm happy for people. I don't like weakness, but I don't think crying is weakness. It is. And that is to be delusional. Well, maybe they don't, but I just don't think they'll allow themselves to. Yeah. And they're talking about this thing. I cried about that.

1:56:46 there i i the one time my ex-boyfriend cried in front of me you got hot i was blowing him while Yes. because you want to cry and wallow away all your day There's nothing wrong with feeling sad. Because that allows you to feel those feelings. I definitely think he should feel the pain of what happened to him. That's the difference. And you just be a bitch.

2:00:01 normal, but you still have to keep going. You still have to move on with your life. Just go. You don't have anything to cry about. No, let's go back. Feel sad for that girl. But once they do that, is there a build up afterwards, like a build back up where they're like, OK, now that you've acknowledged the fact that you're validated or you have valid feelings and that there's a reason why you felt fucked

2:02:13 There's something very valuable in dwelling on these moments of your life that have been bad. And that I think is something that it's very difficult for people to come to grips with have come from adversity so They are so fucked up. How? sorry about? Yeah. have to feel I have to I have to feel sad like oh that sucks that I have a brain that tells me to

2:05:13 That's where there's a real solid argument for the chemical imbalance, right? Yeah. are so I'll just be sitting there I don't like to wallow in it have of of like regret i mean i'm disgusted about talking about all these things that I'm into. War. We were just saying, hey, how are you? It's just going in. And I'm like, what in the hell? like she's playing that Price is Right game where

2:08:06 It's a long video. Did you see the one of the balls being shit out of the ass? tucked inside like he's laying eggs. Oh, yeah, that's true. I certainly can't. like one thing that you would say And that's why so much of stuff on kink.com, I'm just like, get off of her feet. producer and like the the reason why people are tuning in is for the girl. Yeah. But the girl's never the one who's getting rich.

2:10:16 But that goes to the girls, right? And he was laughing about how much money he made from porn. And they foreclosed in his house. Yeah. I haven't seen it. And they make, they shoot all these videos that are up forever. certain things and that's how they get and they then they're doing really fetishy type stuff where I mean, a year is a really long time for them to last.

2:13:15 Right. where where your porn comes from that's why i I got to pay for mine. But it's also the way people look at you forever. or something like that, right now doing this. To do that. i mean like even today i mean someone's going to my husband someday might watch this yep and be I mean, it really, it's kind of fucked up to be empowered that way. Sorry about that.

2:16:10 You're just not. You're like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My ex-boyfriend, not porn, but if he made sex tapes with other girlfriends... I'm really into that. What did he say was wrong with you? I just think it's hot. They're going to come floating into your DMs. him from me but you're not we're to talk about you behind your back later on. Well, he was the one that was told me that I need to go see a therapist that like helps me feel my feelings i like found my therapist because dr drew was like you need to go to emotionally focused therapist because you don't feel your feelings and you need to find someone

2:19:59 when was the last time you hooked up? it's it means that i have low self-esteem, which I'm not denying. I'm not in the corner like, oh, you're fucking my boyfriend. if you're just like, And I don't even and I'm not, If anything, he's going to be like, I need to get away from this chick. Yes. That bothered you when I said you were a lot? Because I just picture myself like, I'm such a cool chick.

2:22:50 Nikki, you're enough. You've said you're a lot the whole podcast. And I'm a lot. It's okay. Thanks, Joe. That's part of why it's so good. My crazy is different than Doug Stanhope's crazy, Yeah. This is a guy like now listening to this going, I need to find her. interview? That's... Good. fun and interesting and special is you. you have to pretend you give a fuck about dancing for all these people.

2:25:43 But you are more than those things. save parts of it. That world of censored, you don't know. Then why aren't advertisers investing in people who are being honest in- But this is mainstream now. Stand up. With who? all weird and different but you don't know who's weird that's why the Ellen That really was him. Because it was just the opposite of what we thought.

2:29:15 Shut up. Have you said stuff you've regretted? It's the thinking about being mean to people. They just say it and they don't go back and go, oh no, what did I say? shared a couple of text messages i didn't even talk to you on the phone no there was no there's meant a lot by the way. I needed to hear I am going to be in Pittsburgh next Thursday, and then New Jersey.

2:31:59 My dad's opening for me. Tell some jokes, sing some songs, go to, what's the website?