Joe Rogan Experience #153 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day! It didn't even make sense. Yeah, the night part, he almost says, like, day or day or something like that. I wanted to cry. I'm like, get this beam of light out of my eyeballs. And when I was watching BJ come out, I just wanted a decent fight. God damn, did he look good. Nick Diaz makes you run with him.

2:24 He's so effective, man. And then they just announced my other man, Donald Cerrone, against Nate Diaz. He was like Superfly in 73. just working harder than he's ever worked before. The fact that he did that to Seaver. I mean, Seaver's a dangerous guy. I mean, look what Seaver did the way he put Seaver out, dude, that was big, dude. It was beautiful. That was big. The fact that he did that to Seaver.

3:37 And to have done that right after he did the same to Charles Oliveira, Rides bulls I'm like well this isn't a joke Now, I don't know. and you're like, So there were cowboys everywhere. Let's get down to it. We all giggled. Everybody else played Cowboys Indian. He threw the fucking spear. Anthony Quinn is really Mexican, a great actor. Forget Anderson Silva kicking what's-his-name in the face.

6:26 No Viagra. I tell you what I got caught up in yesterday from the beginning. The cinematography. that, that priest. The boxer. Really? Did it win anything? You can't write that shit. She's shoving the cross in. What a fucking amazing, amazing. So they had to do it with writing. in the beginning? fucking bad luck in Africa. and he looks in his fucking eye

9:55 old wolfman movies A lot of people. They ruined it. This is for his ranch next to Donald's throne, you dumb fuck. Very strong movie. between a Jewish guy and a German. Bro, they set you the fuck up. You're going to die up there, mister. And the mother goes, no, she doesn't remember a goddamn thing. It's a horror movie? Never mind then. When I first watched them,

12:26 And there was something else. I like shit that's not real because that's fun for me. If you don't have that, I don't want to go see your fucking movie. Right. Ben Gazzara. where they're stitching charl pat patrick swayze up she's stitching him up and he goes pain don't I was 87. Is that what it is? That's a weird fucking movie. Yes, William Peterson.

14:52 And then he put him in one of the best movies ever. 1983, when John Turturro's in the jail, and what's-his-name goes to visit him. which makes the visit That's a great movie. What's the name of that Yeah, William Dafoe. there was a drug called THC crystal. But what it became was something completely different. And that's one of the times. It didn't taste like anything else I've ever tasted.

17:17 Angel dust. Then, not only would they have a name for the weed, the Master Mix, the Super Mix, That was always the case, right? I still remember going to Harlem that week and not even thinking about it. I had never heard that before. Could you imagine if someone died from Tylenol? yo, this is shit that killed them 20 people. Show the guy's head fucking bleeding and stuff like that.

19:26 A little bit. Dude, yeah, he went out to animals. It looked like something along those lines. There's some guy over there going, dude, you should see how I edited it. Now, even after you're shot, I mean, you're breathing, It was like a news website, and they were saying I want my cookies. And they're screaming, la, wakba. That's a crazy part of the world.

21:51 like fake guns of this guy shoving that is my father i was that guy yeah i'm watching this picture that's like this yeah it's gonna get worse it's gonna get to the point we're going to get high quality, more video footage, stuff like this? Yeah. It's going to get worse. People watch videos. You got to catch them. I mean, you know, I don't whack off in fucking Vegas.

23:55 You have to assume. with the lights out. What? I agree. No. He called himself the president. times but he's good in vegas yeah yeah yeah he did in vegas yeah but he was a crazy dangerous I have to assume that. A warmth that the chemicals must give off or a warmth that... went to Vegas on her honeymoon. And they sued the casino That's incredible. Is that what you call them?

27:25 That's the worst thing I'd fucking do, you know. You know, and you could say, well, hey, a guy got the airport, wherever, we don't want to get nobody come here for a second. answer him, you guys got a situation. I think bathrooms. And you know why? It's ridiculous. Well, if you have DNA on it. say that, I'm going to go to the house It's crazy how to the T.

30:05 on wording, where people were walking? The guy walked on a technicality. and a cop pulls them off a busted headlight. They didn't really have the right to look at the thing. He killed this lady, took the jewelry to a house, And the guy would go and fucking shoot you. 1981. It's a night. It is amazing when you go looking at it how many different channels

32:25 no one disco explosion well I know there's a way No, I just broadcast through a channel, I think. the device right but is it picking up from a satellite like if you go into a tunnel it won't Yeah. So satellite radio is not ones and zeros they're sending. I don't know. It's different. That's funny. the iphone they've noticed really because of the 4g is that what it is uh no because more people just online i think the applications how they're designed there's more

35:19 that 4s that it's twice it's two times faster than the 4. Yeah, but it's two times faster When I'm in my car and I'm driving I have to deal with it. In the last three months, four months. There was three places where it would cut out. That drives me nuts. It shows you you got three bars and it won't get online. You got a Droid phone, right? But I'm very happy.

37:28 Right. and when I get texts, What's the camera like on that? I don't know what I'm doing. Yeah, it's a battery life. Yeah. and see where it gets Galaxy S is a great phone. So for me, I'm a fucking gorilla. Am I allowed to text you yet? I don't know what you guys know. They didn't have to worry about it. That I could go to? That's what I have. I have to reboot it.

40:10 It's not the best. Chuck Zito must be jumping up and down. I don't know. I never watch that show. Do you watch that show? I started watching it this year because a buddy of mine is on. Yeah. I never watched that show. Ron Perlman, I bet he is. Yeah, I stopped going to the movies, guys. It looks like he's got mild autism or Asperger's or something like that,

42:08 on the news. It's amazing how you can sue for anything now. You know, that's probably against the law. Just to the bone like crystals circle of rocks That place, we met worlds. I know, I'm becoming a Any shit will happen. It's out in the open. he's just a gentleman he's calm same house at one time listen to the talent in that fucking room yeah i mean you know when you have that intensity of talent you it has to go the opposite way

45:15 that everything has some sort of capability of recording the past, that buildings almost have a built-in memory, It was way cheaper It's not like the kid's going to come back to life. We know, inherently, we know. dead Indians underneath this house somewhere and start from scratch. And, you know, when my mother bought that house, the deal was... I'm like, Ma, this is the house.

47:31 After we moved in, somebody had hung himself. And the end of that block was an orphanage. 14, 15 on acid. my dad came over to me on the street This is bad five of us that's a good deal and we would go home until every joint in that bag was fucking gone. So 30 plus years. But people don't know, there's a picture of you right behind you, over to your right shoulder.

49:31 That's how you were when I first met you. but we were jocks. The day after drinking. videos. And holy shit, that was good whenever I go to that's a complete And then a Cuban guy came up. It wasn't even anxiety. No, no, I'm good. When I went back also to grammar school. to Newton and I'd drive around and I would how many Taekwondo tournaments I had won

52:34 you'd probably be like, ugh, basements. if you go back to the White House, you're still going to get some chills. front of my house in the charles river and then essentially there was like a lot of woods behind weird it was a stood in the exact parking spot where i caught my friend adam fingering this girl Holy shit. And everybody I know banged her.

54:56 and I'm like, good morning. like why are you acting so weird and then she had to confess that she she girl went to spring break this is my best one she came back with fucking rug burn on her back her whole back was like her whole lower back you know was just This cannot go anywhere. I'd like to talk to him about that. I stuck like two fingers like something was hitting the top

57:25 with aluminum foil looked at it, it was the coolest. Why would you ask? I had been with crazy people. Towards the end. I didn't take it serious no more. this bitch. Listen. She would say, you're fucking crazy. chick. Yeah. Like, I remember she would bring strippers over. But I have a boyfriend. No, that's the people she brought over. I didn't beat her up.

1:00:06 So the sugar daddy showed up. So did she rat you out? Oh, no. I'll be pleased. Curbs gym. Really? I was dying of fucking laughter. I'm sick because I suck the guy's dick with no condom. Oh, my God. I'm going out for a pack of cigarettes if you make the left The window's open. with the fucking Star 80. That's a true story. Whoa. Who was it based on?

1:04:01 You know, hefs. You know, every week he came to her with a new scam. But he banged her after she was dead, then he shot himself, dog. That's a... really hard to get laid for the average guy for the average guy so you get a good one you get a Yeah, she's one of those girls who wants a guy that she knows that she could wrap around. Who was the other girl?

1:06:01 That pussy sent me for a loop in the sixth grade. Just banging her. But my grades were so low. then finally had to go to summer school. If you miss summer school three days, they leave could communicate about anything. I fucked behind a Catholic school. and then I ate her monkey. I fucked her My mother was like, heart and all of a sudden you know when you and I had her outside with my finger banging her hard, and all of a sudden, you know when you look, I had her on the stairs.

1:08:38 And I fucking walked off the balcony, and I'd never seen her ever again. Oh my God. because we used to go you know what I'm saying? they stay up in that fucking room and they fuck all afternoon you must have taught him how to suck Let's go see what he's doing Meanwhile I'm dry humping they were taking him my mother's like you did something do you understand me

1:10:35 We had a picture. I was a center. This kid was brilliant. Hey, Coco, ride this bike. and starts driving the bicycle down the block. So me and my buddies were going to catch her over here, the brother and it was me and my bleeding or nothing bro So it was the weirdest Cuban house. Built his own fucking apartment in the basement. that's hilarious but the funny thing was that i had gotten punished at that time and me and this

1:13:36 like a little garden in the front, and the He's a bad motherfucker. That's how good of a hider he was. shorts and white shoes and I'm out there that was busting my balls about the New Yorker, you know. Nobody's seen the gun. How many different times have you seen people pull guns? Anything can happen. where dudes are brawling in a hip-hop party I got nothing against shooting somebody

1:15:59 you know, people lose their fucking mind. Did you see that thing with BJ Penn and Matt Hughes? Fuck. So it's still kind of the South. But the round is like your fucking fist, man. It's the fucking people who ruined it. Boom. You know what I'm saying? You hear that what's going on with the ATF now, Again, you got pro and con for that. Those cunts. and you would want to have a gun. If you knew some of the people that I knew and I've met,

1:18:53 And if you like to drink That would only happen if you drank tequila Really? Because it's not that strong of a difference. you drunk would you have that? No. No? Look at this. This whole time, because they're enormous and they must weigh an incredible amount. like there's somebody that has to trim the hedges But they have petroglyphs on them, too. And they have petroglyphs on them

1:22:20 was brilliant uh they took one of like a small skit on your podcast and somebody animated and it looks really good I wanted to come to Point Star Karaoke with me last. Oh, I told her. That'd be great. She's sweet, but she's real. two Red Bull cans Nerdy guy, right? She said she couldn't fit her mouth over his cock. is halloween and um this is an appropriate story because this is shows you how out of touch these

1:24:36 hilarious. It's a big fucking joke. they think that's funny left and right I finally figure out why they're so fucking high. hey, you're not going to take that medication no more. Yeah, and you're right. They take her whole staff out. It's completely ridiculous. Is this shit going to go down in L.A.? Occupy Olive Garden. about how much they try to take away because the more they do the more becomes more and more crazy and more and more people join the cause

1:27:42 they're they're creating have you read about? World's most powerful. This is the headline. Powerful laser to tear apart the vacuum of space. Mild headaches? that the bankers stole all the money? Every day we're hustling, hustling, hustling. the oil was still booming and shit. What I think is crazy is that Brandon Walsh, we did that podcast with him the other day,

1:29:39 I know that that's the next move. Fuck. That's what I want. I guess if you squeeze too hard when you're on there. It was a bad day at the farm. Fucking. You would think that would kill a kid. avoid it. Shoot them whenever. Fuck a supermarket, you know? Fuck a supermarket when you got your own ecosystem in your backyard. But you'd love a good steak.

1:32:26 Did you hear about that guy that lived off? No, and it's the ecosystem is the way to live. I can't see it. all that shit crinkles me I don't want to doing a dog fight into the weeds for 30 years raccoon stew, like whatever he can find every day is what he ate off a roadkill. Did years and he would cook like badger soup raccoon stew like Saturn with this deer hanging out of the

1:34:36 go hunting in colorado because this is where i got everything all the knowledge i got about it was in Oh, he released testosterone, the meat gets hard. Those are the most dangerous people I've met. So if they don't get you at 30 yards, they're going to get you at 50. and arrows. I love Boulder. that looked like us, straight up. And, you know, and then after a while, he introduced me to another vet.

1:36:31 They would tell me the stories. You understand? You know, like when you see somebody go somebody go joey man you look like they were like dog did you think about what i This motherfucker was hitting targets I don't know nothing about no bow and arrow. we'll slice his fucking thigh don't eat the elbow joint that motherfucker right now? you know these guys

1:37:58 but that one guy When they got hot, that's who they let out with a helicopter. a lot of those guys after shows, man. by the way. That dude, whatever your name is. You wouldn't have turned out Joey Diaz if you went to the service. Does it bother you, up my asshole. of the fucking year. You would want to do that? At that age, I wouldn't even allow you to fucking touch me with a needle.

1:39:53 What? Oh, my God. No, I never had. I always brush To the time I was 14. That's why you can't drive without a driver's license either. And then, little by little, I became friends with Dr. Waxler, A lot of tears, a lot of horny cats. And I went for a year to acupuncture. Nothing. She had blisters on her head. Dad sees it, in the guy's arm. He's gonna have to put a milk

1:42:41 Really? and I was fucking fine. I'm in a tube with 80 guys get my blood test, I can't faint your tears. Sat down. With the chair, with the school chair, habit, dog. I went to the dentist with Terry three years ago to get a fucking root canal. Down like a bad fucking habit, dog. Here's the deal. Helen Keller? You know like when a tongue comes out when you go to a haunted house?

1:44:37 That's the time they went into a first aid kit. I fainted I was with her her monkey And I'm working it with the bottle. And I'm just working the clit with the bottle. And let me tell you something, that's her area, No. I don't give a one time. her. a soldier. let's go though and you could that thing with That's the shit that kills me. pull out aluminum foil, and stick your dick

1:47:05 why he always gets his steaks well done. more less done than you. Psst. Done. Wetaeta weta. What's that? You know what that means? What? Psst. Psst. That's it. Done. Oh yeah, tartar. Tartar, it not sashimi oh yeah tartar yeah my mother You know, you're fucking from Ohio. Steak tastes good when the outside is cooked. flavor to it. Really rare steak, like a piece of filet mignon, if you cut out the outside of it and just have the red part,

1:49:03 just a little bit of drop. When you watch the UFC, when Stitch has a towel and they throw it to the side, Listen, man, Fuck yeah. She swallowed my blood. I'll kiss her. So it doesn't matter even if it's been on your body for like three seconds? I'll be fine. I don't care. fuck. I'm an animal. What about a girl swallows your cum and then wants to kiss you? I don't give a fuck. She swallowed my butt.

1:49:53 So I've got to ask you guys questions. She goes, it's the third day. What does that mean? Oh, God. It's like when you go to Wood Ranch. It doesn't die. Let's get back to this. No, you take it out. Oh, God. So, are you popping blood what's the difference between blood and pussy? Actually. That's the nucleus that when you fuck her It's warmer, too. on, and that would be the ghost outfit.

1:52:32 I just want to make sure I get this out good. hit you with that japanese flag yeah like it's a white flag with a red dot in the middle No, Denver guy originally. Always missed the boat, huh? He had to look, they would go see him, they would go see him, they would go watch him, are, but that God damn it. Great. San Francisco has a scene. Denver has a nice scene. There's not that many scenes, man. There's not that many comedy scenes. Austin has a scene. San Francisco has a scene. Denver has

1:54:42 I, to this day, say, is one of the Try. Didn't you hear about that? I just heard it's bad. to him and his family. He was saying on his Twitter on the ship. I think Bullhead. Man Cow or Cowhead? I used to follow him on Twitter, but I haven't seen any of his shit in a while. and definitely overweight and not healthy, but Ralphie's bigger than him. Yeah?

1:57:06 I mean, I'm not saying those guys couldn't come out of there right now still you ready to go not yet no I'm not ready yet I I have work to do I have a lot of shit to do here But there's one thing that's always intrigued me like you just feel that for one day. Oh wow, oh wow. Duh, that's a DMT, that you could take. Well, it's crazy. have it i feel like all animals and even us we have to have it in a way it's probably part of

2:00:32 Did you ever feel something? Did you think about something and feel something that was Seriously. I don't go to church? Why? I like That thing in the church always has killed me. So you really feel like at one point in time, whatever the fuck it meant pass down through genetics scared of something in the night that has big teeth ah why because it's cats

2:02:34 But this is where it sealed it. And the soldiers thought they were dead. a few people would survive they would survive what a fucked up thing for somebody to say to me i was The only way to fucking be scared of heights That's the confidence. Windows it sucked. I don't know how I ever did that's how broke I was windows and fucking big Oh, my God. And my buddy who's got the Canson Dime was the guy who was the supervisor.

2:04:26 And the day he was in Alpey. He was still down at Jersey Shore. He didn't take a shower or a drink. This is at one point your job is windows. that's it. how long does it take? Yeah, you do your union. You think they would have just like self-washing windows now? They probably have contracts with the construction unions Arr. with the aforementioned Felicia Michaels.

2:06:43 Thank you to Fleshlight. I'm fucked up right now. 4854 Lancashire. 48-5-4 Lancashire. You know I'm fucked up. Thank you to Onnit.com. O-N-N-I-T. Look at that fucking hole. Holy dead snatch. That's like sticking a fucking wine and cigarettes and shit. He's got his ass and you're killing me here. Can we do a Skype one, Brian? podcast my night. All day. We'll see you next time.