Joe Rogan Experience #157 — Tom Segura, Christina Pazsitzky Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Oh, sweet baby Jesus. Yeah, they haven't pulled the trigger, made that shit legal. So that stupid Polak Pajitsky name, it's like my parents fought so hard to get me here. Yes, absolutely, Jeremy. The other thing is at what point, like if you've started, would you consider, like obviously, You were seven years in when we already did. In his vagina. I believe that can exist, but I i don't know i don't like the

2:29 I'm concerned with the whole Yeah, I did a dance scene She's hot. She's great. They were quite shocking. You're very balanced. fucking loser i don't care that's that is what i like i like watching mma i like playing pool Boston, yeah. 61, I think, of colleges and universities. you like you're insecure like there's something wrong with you for pursuing that this is something

5:24 then you don't have to feel as uncomfortable so if everybody was scrawny and sick and smoked cigarettes and right and i would say wow you know maybe i am and a... And then eventually it took me a while to go, people don't get to that point. I think it is something you I think it's their parents. Yeah. you know that there's uh there's a lot out there that's bullshit you know yeah a lot of laws that

8:03 to get a tattoo i was like how fucking stupid is this you know this is when i grew up in in boston kickboxing It's like there's a whole business. and it's the most fun and scariest shit because you could fucking die are just common sense and public opinion and you, it's common sense to not buy crack. If you want to go get it, you can go get it. hey man, we're going to sell something that makes your dick fall off.

10:32 So if you wouldn't do that, would you sell crack then? wants and their selfish desires ahead of all these other people's lives there's that's the real It smells terrible. Poison that they're addicted to. You see people fucking scream at kids when you know where they learned that shit from. She was 16 at the time, and her dad is a judge in Texas. So she downloaded it illegal he beat

12:50 There was a statute. That guy should be in jail forever. Which is it that causes you to pull the trigger on beating your fucking baby with a belt? Fuck you. You could do that to your daughter? The plot starts to reveal itself. Yeah. I do. Irreparable damage done to those kids. even though he didn't go running to the police you know that they weren't fucking

16:18 And then did you see the development today as far as the email? In other words, the first reports said that he saw it. This is his version. It doesn't That he went to his father told the president well that guy's a guy who's trying to keep his fucking job and that's pretty That old fucking creep fucking that 10-year-old boy. Threats become over there.

18:39 And if you had a community and you had a guy like this paternal fuck who allowed this other fuck to bang little kids in the asshole and didn't have him locked in a cage, you're supposed to tell the both of them. You cannot. But there was some priests that had written some stuff about finding boys like classic priest shit it's the classic priest shit the

20:36 Oh, boy. which if you have doubts you you should probably have far less doubts like what um it was on nbc I don't know words. Well, what about around? telephone interview And anyway, basically, they groom children. or that that's actually how it happens it's the neighbor it's the uncle it's not the stranger Completely innocent and falsely accused in every aspect.

23:58 Never touched their genitals, never engaged in oral sex? slap slap slapping sounds and you admit that maybe your private parts touched her son. Shortly after that in 2000, a janitor said that he saw you performing oral sex on a young You are the unluckiest and most persecuted man that any of us has ever heard about. Well, he was 49. guy's a creep no no question about it that's not how you respond of course not people that are

27:58 There's no fucking way you would leave it at you'd have to ask them. If you think someone falsely accusing have been i mean yes especially uh i mean i, I'm sure it's happened for sure. exonerate somebody. And the whole time he was like It's so sad. He was in good shape. everybody in the world how long would it take him the one reason why i'm not a hundred percent for capital punishment you know i mean i'm for capital

30:48 People would be like, all right. is that it's unfortunate because how do you express that kink well i think um i i think at I mean, all of it has got to be like shitty parenting. Do you think they have a class like that? Because otherwise, the first time they get raped, It didn't really teach me shit. to strangers don't open the door some fucking unfixable kink

33:37 issue too it's might not even be sexual so like making them impotent might not even do it they something like that i guarantee you they would be so disappointed and disgusted with themselves They don't want to live this way. Oh, bingo. God damn it, man. right now and for a good percentage of them it's a fucking mess and no one wants to fix that could

35:57 The Netherlands and Holland, a lot of crazy shit goes on in Holland. Yeah, yeah, for like some Showtime thing. or an english is not an innocent place though by any stretch of the imagination A lot of fighters from other countries go to Holland to train in kickboxing. and there's a bunch of them so he was the size of the ties. He looks like it would hurt.

37:38 Did you see that sports science on Bas Rutten's kicks? They're like, your insides are being traumatized if you get kicked by this guy. You could kick full blast, but you couldn't punch to the face. he was fucking people up and he would kick them and you would just go whoa nobody kicks that hard Yeah, no, I did Kung Fu style. Some guys even kick bamboo trees and shit.

39:41 along so well as a couple and as comics because a lot of What time is it? I think some women, they make their spouse the enemy for some reason. And also, because we're both comics, So that's why you go along? That was so cute. Some people, it's their whole thing. is never going to conflict with Tommy's. that i mean we all know a lot of comics that they don't like the other people around them to be

42:28 and then he'll go out and look like a goddamn hero. People are going to be seeing them. You can only be inspired. is that guy i wish i was that funny you know i'm gonna write more you know i want to go do this and and I pull up a chair and he starts on a I robbed him with a cap gun One of my nipples was gone. Having a show going on, constantly. I mean, he's a goddamn

44:37 is because he wants to. think that being this wild crazy guy that you know he's kind of just kind of wings it but he also And Don Gavin was a national headliner and one of the biggest acts in Boston. It's an awesome show. the whole lineup tomorrow, so fun so cool yeah they're the awesomest crowd oh the best yeah yeah just the best they're on No. In between each act, they would fuck around.

46:48 I want to see like an hour or something like that. it's like, you'd probably enjoy it still if somebody, I think anything you do where you're, you're not ever calling my act avatar but you know it's a i think anything the best craftsman of the wording of the joke. This is the real issue. yeah come on bro that's. You guys are being ridiculous. You might tell a joke about something that's absolutely horrible and it's not funny at all.

49:46 words or whether it's you know saying you don't believe in god whatever the fuck it is if you say Oh, right. Yeah, but I don't remember that. way of doing it of course but the problem is man that part of the world has a lot of shit in its and just like mud huts and then the woman in the burqa and if your husband really loves you he But you would see spy ships roll up.

52:37 And they would have the word Iran on the side of the boat. being military the americans big dumps you said but sitting aside what, actually, when you think about it, how many guys are there? That's a lot of shit. and they had mattresses that were folded dirty dirty mattresses up against like this wall and And could be joking around about fucking each other, right?

55:22 that they choose men because of the and there are certain ways they treat women that i'm just like yo i'm what's really strange is that but the point was that these people had this really amazingly advanced civilization 10,000 years ago. Well, it's a theocracy. Stop, drop, and roll. So you could think it's like the end of civilization. people in the back. It's not everybody across

58:44 study. Especially if you have strict enforcement. Old Soviet Union. And that's in the hip city of Dubai in Abu Dhabi. So I don't know why. and not sad. lined up to see this fucking crap right you didn't hear about this guy raised it its whole life. Yeah. The hipp any animal. Yeah. Tigers are actually in Asia. But whatever it is. They're like dinosaurs.

1:01:45 and it would like with people you know, when babies get mad at each other, well, they're both person. This is not what you're supposed to do. I was going to say Why must you have... Let all the animals free They said that he had What did he have? like he would bite There's a video that Brian turned me on to of lions trying to kill a hippo and it's the craziest thing ever they can't

1:04:04 say think frightening and they're tiny they're tiny you saw my little cat my little spaz and what does she apartment, and I slept on the couch, and the couch was right next to the first floor windows. a lot of feral cats have it's in their nails yeah well it's in there no it's a it's a rat parasite accidents. They check people that Yes, 80. In America, it's over

1:06:40 change in humans and rats, which is really interesting. It's really crazy. People don't even know. yeah you know your immune system is supposed to keep most of it in check you know if you have a Imagine if it wasn't Viagra that you needed. it makes your dick bigger Yeah. isn't that the best comedy ever yeah tommy and i saw that in the theater and we laughed so hard

1:09:14 honestly you know i thought he was retarded and we laughed so loud and everybody in the theater was just like and when we where'd you guys see it we saw it in some This came out of her butt. I need to move to Pasadena. intended to be. It doesn't feel like LA. I see an old woman. no, just because she was bored out of her mind. on this planet before you're fucking transitioning to the afterlife but now you got a fucking hat on

1:12:03 He had a plot picked out, a really nice spot with a beautiful view and everything. And you realize, too, that he just has this lot They're like, we just got it. Now you're sleeping at your friend's house. There's a lot of people out there that it just stopped. There's a few clubs in Ohio, like Toledo and Cleveland. And the club isn't actually improperroprietary but you fly in

1:14:12 but you drive through this factory It's like craziness. I don't know if it's there anymore. Same with everything else. If he's willing to do it cheaper, yeah. Well, when everything becomes the same, guess what? i want to drive to montana you just get on any other city you want to go to louisiana you just Well, I haven't been to China, but I've been to South Korea.

1:17:33 That's just starting to come to phones now. press it, put it right up to that, I don't know if Google Wallet exists. That's whack. I only get like 25. I think they were like 5 megabyte uploads instead of what i think i'm paying for two megabyte for the fastest for Get out of your house? You have to take that into account. Yeah, that's a good point. That could be it be yeah because people would be just downloaded a million

1:20:49 them yeah they pretty much uh tell like you know certain how do they tell could they tell by who and make it seem like, don't you dare dream of doing this. and I fucking listen to it as much as I want to. it makes all the songs work that's annoying that's too complicated i'd rather get things on itunes i And yeah, you want to be compensated for it.

1:23:00 I've bought some things that I didn't like just because I felt guilty God damn it, I'll have to fucking chase after this little piece of paper. It bugs me. band is good if i buy you know if somebody sends me to a youtube link and i go wow it's a fucking Yeah. Joe, have you heard about Gene Simmons' kid? He's a comic book artist. Nope. He does manga.

1:25:10 How old is he? something like that so I would like trace his pose right yeah you know how japanese people i have no yeah i always feel that stealing, though, is that, like, especially with jokes, it's like, well, He was in a band for a little while. Yeah, he's old enough to know. This is sad. That he, for a living, buys Google ads all the time. Yeah, this is crazy, man.

1:28:19 They show his original image. Well, he's decided to try to some more money It sucks to hear, right? with vodka and sticking them in their pussy and they're they're uh inserting uh beer bongs in teen using vodka It's like shooting IV blood. point in time she was living with this guy that was this taking DMT anally. The old-fashioned way only lasts for about 15 minutes at the most.

1:31:22 Yeah. is always interesting seeing people. talking about leary or no no no i don't know i don't know i forget the fucking guy's name But I'm pretty sure the first time, it was like he got it on something and was like, mushrooms some of the most and I have one, so I'm paying attention to this. I've got to tell you, Stephen and Catherine, GETTING DRUNK THESE DAYS, WE

1:33:35 UTILIZING IT THAT WAY. PUT THEIR HANDS ON THEIR She can't even say vagina. All right. At home, I lay down and sank into a not unpleasant, Let's do acid now. 0.25 milligrams, That means you feel it. I've never found it and he's like, you gotta know Sit down. makes gotcha oh i'm sorry but all the really powerful ones like lsd when you know lsd and uh

1:37:15 and I was goth. Did you ever read about how the CIA tested honesty on people? Yeah, they doused the whole town. working in a different job. That is... Have you ever been around people that are on meth uh in high school i grew and moving furniture you know I don't like it. fucking neighborhood as cocaine. We know a guy It's easier than dealing with, like, driving and parking.

1:40:46 Oh, my God. It's like 5 in the morning. I'm comfortable with you in my life. I swear to God. And I start asking him, I'm like, have you done other drugs? He's like 70? He was married to a Peruvian, and then he had, like, an El Salvadorian girlfriend. He's like, yeah, shoot. Did he say porn? at what the fuck's and I was like That's his rush. Did I say his name?

1:43:53 I go so do you still do that shit? and he's like ah it's not a big deal buddy i swear to god every once in a while well do you Yeah. getting caught smoking crack? Stop playing. No. so yeah he sits m sits Mary and Barry in there That's him saying I wasn't doing it? Political. And they felt like he was actually representing them. He was annoying. He's gay as fuck.

1:46:54 Spraying the gay away. the intoxication of being a leader. how the fuck could he be honest with other people he's gaining control in all these other people's Of course. Everywhere you go, they pop out of the ground. He's a huge homophobic piece of human garbage. He doesn't want to make, it's people with their priorities birth control, But why does he even care

1:49:27 that guy. It's a sad thing I think it's great that a group of people i think it would have been more effective if they had had like a clear list of like this is what we going to see i don't think we're seeing a lot of change from the entire occupy movement but the it leads me to believe More than half of America supports the Occupy Wall Street movement.

1:51:52 And you know we were looking for communists in our own society and they were arresting people during the McCarthy era and stuff like that and we're not cunts. supported, they lied to us. They lied to people. of Operation Northwoods or all the plans. bay and attack guantanamo Bay. Yeah, I've been there. The banana rat would fucking blow your mind. Really?

1:54:26 Look at the size of this fucking thing. There's guys on base that are not even military guys. They're not exactly the same, no. Everywhere. It would eat your baby's feet. You basically see A high pitched scream. And the lights of the van are on. thing it is the grossest looking thing. I have to relieve myself. you know there's there's a military friendly i did i didn't know that they were dangerous

1:57:11 it's much more expensive. and have a parking spot. You're dealing with house after house after house And this motherfucker is looking at me like Okay. That was the only thing you get if you don't have a license for a gun how fun so i got a blow gun did you ever say I never saw that raccoon again, Florida is not the South. Isn't that amazing? Oh, you got me.

1:59:30 Even the best parts of Florida, like whenever I'm in Miami, I love the people down there. I just think about my kids growing up in Florida and being In my mind, I grew up, I knew a lot of shady people when I was a kid, and everyone eventually went to Florida. Until the sky becomes a fucking brick wall of rain. what kind of rain down to Miami. of rain all in one blast.

2:01:16 that. by the time it got up to us everybody was just scared and huddled in and i we were we lived in Really? Are you kidding me? Miami, you might as well be in a foreign country. There's so much pussy. We did West Palm. The original owner is always like, let me get a drawing. oscar de la joya man fernando vargas and then it was like he's a bitch who do you see so chavez

2:03:55 And so they were just like sighing, and they papered the fuck out of the room. This is all allegedly. This fucking fun. who's your favorite monster. the brattiest kids ever tell you to shut the fuck up because this is nonsense this is you you have to be a crazy it's to regulate it was a dumb throw it was a minute thing right and i don't usually i don't

2:06:14 why are you so offended And what was really going on was that the guy is probably insecure Yeah. Oh, I see. You gotta be zen. It tears you up. You're giving yourself snake venom. because they love you're not doing an hour more I know you can do it. I know you're insecure. You're an established stand-up comedian seasoned by the road. You're got television credits. You're an established stand-up comedian,

2:09:16 But it's so... You're not going to take a winner. It's a total lack of civility, too. why did that trigger that in me? You get heckled, don't you? but nothing like where they keep on going the whole time, They already know you're a silly person. Your podcast is fucking hilarious. If folks who haven't heard it, audience yeah i can't wait you guys are gonna have it look you know your your podcast podcast

2:11:09 So what it's called is the Ice House Chronicles. but then we're gonna and it's we did it last week fans to come see me yes where are you this week i'm going to be at the comedy mix in the great It's great. Is that right? we did it as Yuck Yucks Thursday night Asa Akira Oh, I hate that. There's a lot of He had like I don't like well to a certain extent but when it gets into like

2:14:05 And I think there's probably some dark reason why men are so much fucking stronger than women. Oh yeah, I know. is my two favorite things. I like her energy and I like her as a person. I forget who sent me that. thought about it i'm like wow i wonder how long it took to do this and then i said well how many I saw a vagina were really like the center point of a kaleidoscope of male bodies.

2:16:17 How does everybody find a good spot to stand? Like every time It just got bigger and bigger That thick just a gentle one finger choke her on his stomach bile and foam and stuff like that. Take this. I don't know if it's true. I don't know if it's founded. Do you guys ever switch it up in the bedroom? I put on her onesie and I go, hey, Tom. it's been haunting him yeah and apparently like this other girl came out another girl just came

2:19:26 He was gay. Seems pretty queer from where I'm sitting. If you want to wear, I'm not criticizing him in any way. I don't give a fuck. Guys like him. He's still LA. I'll look it up real quick because I don't want to end this He comes into the ring Well, it's okay if I wear pants I don't think guys that aren't, Have you ever worn a girl's thong before?

2:21:26 Do you have any underwear? This thong is the only thing around. Yeah. It's not bad. They can get like septic Butthole to vagina leg on the which direction are you wiping are you wiping front to back yeah he likes his balls He knocked out Shinya Aoki. That's the homeboy's name. He's dressed like a girl. this is like, He might just be just for fun. Bernie Perret? I forget the guy's name was. Bernie Perret?

2:24:16 You don't want to taunt gay bosses. go yeah jesus christ can i tell you the good thing about comics is that we don't become serial killers or pedophiles i mean what about that rapist that was the uh the one guy was the smith i think um but he's out like they've done stories about him in the new york times and And with that note, But really, I've been listening to, yeah,

2:26:37 But you can find it. Timothy Leary talk the other day. I'm really looking forward to the Laughing Skull in Atlanta, Seldom. You should hook it up. We try to. How often do you guys work together? Seldom. If I didn't think you were both funny, I would never say that you were both funny on the We do it. You could fucking bang right before you go on stage.

2:27:59 Yeah, you should launch her onto the stage with your car. Thanks for having us. Thank you to the Fleshlight. Okay? people that's based on the cordyceps mushroom that's an endurance enhancer that i've been with some bunch of fucking random vowels and consonants jammed up together your name wrong Doug Benson's while the show's going on. We're going to podcast before

2:30:06 but I'm happy that you're enjoying it