Joe Rogan Experience #158 — Doug Benson Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. Are you? It's supposed to turn green. What does that mean? That's too fucking boring. Just tell them, I'm giving you more, fucker. Everyone's saying whatever they want about the product. fuck yeah that's pretty brutal what a disaster you know because human bites are like dangerous Probably. It's like delicious bread.

3:02 It's just that men are talking about it. It's got to be a tough thing to take care of, you know? those loads make people it's really no big deal for us they have a human making machine inside No. I just sort of... and Bobby Kelly... Yeah. He hurt his knee. But those guys, that had to be really stressful to go on the road. It wasn't really like a good, it wasn't a really well- sort of a such a blur too like I don't remember anything like I

6:53 It starts to blur together for sure, the hotels and the airlines and the airports. Sometimes you get a bad crowd. Yeah. Yeah, Atlantic City is a tricky place. There's a lot of old people. atlantic city is essentially surrounded by dangerous cities you know vegas is essentially Atlantic City that are filled with Stop killing It's just, you know, it's not really helping.

9:45 I lived there when I was a little kid, So I had to stay with my grandfather. I don't think I've set foot in there. By the time they move in, you're going to be fucked. You're going to lose your investment. So a lot of people bought into So it was really almost like he had watched this whole thing Or blockbusting for Joseph Smith. the market decide what what happens to everybody what the fuck that's his strategy is just let

12:49 The weakest of the links. They're not making the someone who can offer real guidance. there? Why don't we conserve our fucking resources? Why is that the biggest section of our economy? And he was talking about how in the future it's obviously being phased out. covenant is in there and you have to keep the the bad guys from getting to it because you know if

15:57 It's so obvious. But the fact that we're this wonky, It's called a democracy, and we're all supposed to participate and help one another. the original one i heard got shut down yeah i heard some crazy shit that they were keeping What the fuck, man? And they won't be able to last through the winter but bloomberg keeps saying it's a safety But also, this new Bloomberg doing this,

18:54 Did you see that video where they're holding hand-by-hand? He makes it all about keeping people of New York not his lawn like it's a it's like a public park that's privately owned is it but it's it sort of energized the movement in a way that it might not have happened what they're told to do but when they're doing it all of a sudden the people that don't want to

21:12 You have some real safety issues. and protest something That's why sloth is like a sin. Yeah. Yeah. band lives just for fun yeah the whole ride i wish you got a dragon's lair shirt on what's that about Maybe I can find a cool poster for the studio or something. I never get a chance to brag about this, That is amazing. where you know you would go you would have but you would have to move certain ways there's a

24:57 go to the right or the left and so if you toggle to the right you know you you go you go the rest on the ipad i believe now but that's my dream is to get in a dragon's lair original dragon's Wait, you're good enough Oh, yeah. into a different chapter. Like, whoa, this is like, it's like an anime it was a movie this is amazing it And it was really cool because it was also using a Laserdisc player.

27:37 So they took these animated movies, and one was called Space 666, or it was like about It was big briefly have just crushed video arcades right it did It did when the Nintendo finally came out. No place is just video games, except for there's one joint in Portland the restorations oh wow that's always at the top you you know, from the 80s. and then he also got a joust slash robotron and i'm really good at robotron was another one that

30:31 I just like the look of it. It's a goddamn Leonard Skinner poster. It's fun, but holy shit. But really, you're not even in the real world. of the movie. So that's kind of Like John Madden, you've got to know a shitload about all the players. through intense video games golden eye too now that i think of it you know they released that huh they re-released that

33:01 Yeah, man. It was, unfortunately, though, hugely addictive. we used to have LAN parties. party every time you hang out there dude if we do and do a podcast during that i have a real problem yeah how can you you could Yeah, it's hard to find good places. There's not like anything else. they would just play just trying to double up and then you get you get down and you try to get back

36:28 are you doing and gambling illegally and getting yeah getting in scrapes with guys because you if they wanted to keep gambling, don't play him. So it's sort of how... play at all and she was humiliating him and he was trying getting really super upset but it's like every time she won. All competition between dudes and their girlfriends, it's still this weird yeah you know thing kicks in that's just uh hardwired yeah i was dating this

39:06 I went and started practicing. I totally practiced, totally learned how to play pool. Dude, I was totally like that guy. She was a very educated person, too. They don't want some dude fucking calling and texting and emailing. Yeah, it's weird. that's cool like a facebook wall post and stuff like that like hey how you been we should hang You can't have art then.

41:53 can't really produce art but the the fight with the ego is what fuels the art sometimes so if we That's how you become one. the power of actually fucking doing something yeah and also also not the the fact that they're buddy and they're up there yuck yucking it up. good in the beginning. Nobody's good in the beginning. But some people get an extra charisma bump, too, though.

44:37 i don't know what it was well he's just a hilarious dude i mean he's hilarious talking about anything telling him what to do and he was like fuck you i'm gonna do it my way and when he did that boom he was awesome but when he was trying to make everybody happy he just couldn't It was Doug Stanhope. other guy named tom martin who now he writes on simpsons and stuff and the headliner was hugh fink and

47:08 But Doug, like, super, super good kid, you know, nice guy. You know, I've always said that. I remember that was one of his punchlines was just the word mulch. He never, you know, is on all sorts of fucking crazy pills joe remember awesome yeah dude yeah i was there Like he goes town to town Doing the man show He would let homeless people stay there.

50:05 She kept saying something, something, I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. I'm a cunt, I'm a whore. She kept saying something, something. It's not just a matter of them being homeless. That's funny that when brought when i brought doug up i did Yeah, but also it was an interesting amalgam Right. He couldn't walk, couldn't swim. He was fucked up, man. He had hip replacement surgery. He was in constant pain. He couldn't walk, couldn't swim.

52:17 Doug would do that. Make sure he's okay. Well, it still says red on it. Doug, you're... it's the coolest thing ever i'm so happy that we can do something like this you know entertainers You're creating friends all over the place. and I didn't know I was going to be doing the show this week. days later yeah we don't really schedule this thing in advance, folks. We keep this bitch as organic as possible.

54:43 And now it really has an impact on guys guys gigs too oh yeah especially duncan duncan's getting like some fucking sweet I love the new Little Hobo. Oh, yeah. But there's a lot of people that hear that and go, what? show to laugh did you ever uh you can't make everybody laugh you're no good mr comedian That was before I was six, so I barely remember it.

57:05 Well, it was big enough in the first place taking what they kind of remember So there's a new version. In seven years, every cell is different the body is regenerated and reborn anew. So there's a I watched an old Fear Factory run. One is breaking a pickle jar at a grocery store, But both of those memories, I remember. You got handed down the third-person view.

59:48 on the sharpest point of that glass and it could have been over yeah you could have died right they're crackling like like they have what is that stuff the snap pop rocks remember pop rocks yeah Yeah. It's just a mind fuck. Yeah, drunk. Fuck, man. those um railroad ties those iron things what are those with the tracks not a tie a track a section The car went, ba-ba-boom!

1:03:30 you know it's like that thing oh my god it's unlucky it didn't you know sometimes when you you drive over something too like you can you can like rip out the bottom of your car Because guys were doing smoke shows. You didn't keep trying it. yeah yeah and i immediately had to just pull the car over and you know get it get it towed and get have to kind of like a medicine bottle of work it into each level or whatever.

1:05:52 have uh right right you know headphones on or all the you know all the distractions of today The kids zone out. I rented a... You're like in a U-Haul. where you can have, you have a three and a half year old, There's like your kid can read and shit. That was a classic Brian misfiring of the mind. they're going to be able to drive cars for you. So they're going to be like, as a kid, being able to just sit there. Brian, your baby's never going to be able to drive for you.

1:08:03 Brian, you're such a silly man. but you have full intelligence right away. into a symbiotic relationship with technology. A lot of people, it was difficult for them to be stimulated in the days before the internet. But either way, you're killing the time so much better. and you're at the airport, you log on to your to try to look ahead to. You really think it's fake?

1:10:33 more than porn where people seem to be those they like videos like that people are actually angry at each other because that's that's why foreplay is so important. I'm just kidding. You should get fucked, too. No, thanks. It's just always going to be dudes complaining. Some girls know. she's ever had in her mouth. But I think that it's more like it's just fun because that's a great way to please a woman.

1:13:58 Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. You know, that's what that Sandusky guy should have said when they asked him, That's a world champion ass eater. Ass eating contest? I don't want her to be upset. that's good i guess in my meat diet that's good your meat diet yeah how often you eat vegetables in a while, like the whole foods or something. See, I don't do the ginger anymore.

1:16:49 It's strong. And then you drink this soup and it's vegetables probably than you would ever really eat. taking the whole chewing down process The shit's become amazing. I got a great drink for your Vitamix, Joe. So you make a little smoothie? Oh, agave. I don't know I mean it's not but it's a plant it's like a trick sweet. But the problem I have is they need to have it at more places.

1:19:53 You know what I mean? Do you take care of yourself? You know, I go through periods any extra shit into pretty much anything. Really? Yeah. Do you watch your health? Do you take care of yourself? That's the cat in the hat comes back, eats cake in the tub, and it becomes a mess. You've got to get them in the Frog and Toad. Oh, and they're trying to cross the highway and you have to get them to the lily pads.

1:21:01 They would just be taking kids right out of your arms. They have Pac-Man frogs. Have you ever seen Pac-Man frogs? Frogs eat dogs. I don't know if they made that frog illegal yet. so that it's in the sun and then we're going to go into this DM tree. Hallucinogen is good as well. Coupon and coupon. well but a lot of people say it the wrong way right so you just get used to it it's just like

1:23:37 It's pronounced world. No. They have that. just you joe yeah because you are a legend no they love that expression they love that expression Like sometimes I'll just take some dumb tweet that Kim Kardashian wrote or something and I'll say blocked. people that just want they're all about getting retweets and begging for them. but then also that's like about how many people i want to follow like if there's somebody that

1:25:57 Sure. That's how Brian's always spelled normal. Like the conservatives get lots of good petitions going online. Pretty much, yeah. Yeah, they're not stopping people at all. And then the question is, well, where are the patients? Yeah, it's a waste. It's really simple. You know, the ones that they had in L.A. a few years back, Do you remember the Blackwater shit?

1:29:53 No shit. They're just like, you know, they're not. I got to try it. It's ridiculous. they you know also when i got pulled over when i wasn't a celebrity i'm polite you you you asked that's the fucking job. The job is, we agree. There's ones, and it's not all of them, it's just a small fraction of them, but they feel You give people ultimate power you're

1:32:55 you should make a video of you and a protester correctly no no i mean just take that video and I don't care what that person said to him. How about the flash bombs they're throwing on people? that shows no signs of weakening. They're going to come through those doors. or if you're one of these fucking guys that owns some giant hedge fund, and you've made billions of dollars just raping people your whole life, and then all of a sudden you picture what you would do if you were all those people, you would think, those people are going to get me.

1:34:51 And that's why they're clearing That should be against the law, okay? Well, you know that Chase paid the cops $4.6 million, made a huge donation to the cops? Those millions of dollars could feed people, i hope so you know i don't buy that anymore because i just haven't seen any evidence whatsoever that you know it's not it's not that i'm and i'm i'm 100 not anti-soldier whatsoever. I am for the soldiers.

1:37:23 And they do that for their own good. because they're going after guys who look like bad guys. peak oil crisis everybody's freaking out about what happens when we run out of oil is it possible getting the troops back here? The only thing I'm worried about is the We Are the World parodies I don't think it worked, right? or not. I think my uncle told me it was him.

1:39:35 I think this is a little bigger than Hands Across America. Never seen anything remotely close to it. Toronto's doing great. It's not good enough. They had to figure out how many seats they could have That's really wild. Dude, it's the shit. they gave us these things that we put in our ears to listen to you call the matches? yeah but it's only 10 bucks and you could reuse it at every ufc event yeah yeah yeah i don't i

1:42:54 but it was deemed that the way the law was written, But their attitude towards it was amazing up there, as is in BC. canada's the greatest city in our country no the the greatest uh city in canada is um you get people, yeah, They talk a little with a French accent. I think that says more about girls who want to fuck you. Do countries have things like bras are more important style-wise?

1:45:06 But I walked from my hotel to the club because it was only a few blocks. You had to have a wool hat. Yeah, I'm not a fan of that. fucking badass the movie that I was and how much of it is based around marijuana You think that thing's ready to roll? Let's try and see if it works. P.S. yeah it works I have a myriad of ways to uh to Don't you taste that shit when you inhale it?

1:48:29 smoke a joint by myself and and you don't get you know you don't get big hits off of it i like i glitches in the matrix if you have bongs you'll have like moments where the same exact thing is that could clear the whole thing. Doesn't feel like it's doing anything. Really? What do you know about this nonsense because I'm not a firearms guy. I hate that when people kind of paint this idea that pot can somehow...

1:51:22 Like, behind the wheel of a car how many people you know are like when Yeah, I could do my taxes high too. to make sure you got at the airport. Are they really? At least when I get back home, it's there and I'm ready to go. I was so confused way sturdy yeah yeah technology man it's adapting that seems to be the fucking bottleneck Especially, I know a lot of people,

1:54:20 She wants to be able to pick her own parts But the reason why they work so good is because there's not a billion Look, if you didn't have a computer, Windows would be awesome. you couldn't believe you were actually controlling this is pre-stoner days too right? If you rubbed your feet on the ground on carpeting and built up static electricity and then had like a piece of metal in your hand like a quarter you could tap it just

1:56:55 Yeah. There was always one, like a beatbox, like a, you know. i've done that take time like the amount of time i've spent playing poker the amount of time i've I love it, but it's such a waste of time. was winning more You're just having fun. Yeah, you could spend a lot of time on that. crazy yeah see that's what i don't do that's what i don't do in poker is i don't like sit there and

2:00:16 playing chess online you know with all these different people and he was like some super Twitter is if I am up in the middle But it's just so – it's such a 24-hour source of – but you can constantly be tweeting. It's a good way to like, I use it as like a texting device. sometimes they just don't even know that that's a thing that can happen. Whose fucking phone is on?

2:02:34 One guy tweeted me something. You dropped that bitch. and say something for help the troops. You're absolutely awesome. when it's like, if it says random, you know, in random you know like If you, you know, Like, I sent up for some, It happens every day. like oh shit i got hacked you know did you see when ashton kutcher was tweeting that oh my god you're an asshole, you're an idiot.

2:06:53 Can you imagine? Right. thing is it's like you know how important is it to try to feel like Oh, yeah, because you don't want a million people land on you because they you know they like you more than other people they follow or whatever and then they're going to be able to follow you on your website Activity following? It's just too much information.

2:10:01 just started following you, it's kind of cool to just immediately send them some sort of, hey, welcome, And you're just checking out Twitter Just reach out. I can't direct message you because you don't follow me. you just follow them for a little while and then unfollow yeah yes you can do that precious 420 I think he's really entertaining. I stopped a long time ago.

2:12:26 I think they had creepy weird sex where Bruce came in and licked Ashton's asshole. Uncle Bruce is going to kick him out. It's right there. saying that he just went to joppa and he didn't go to the cops so he but now he's saying he did on and on just because getting to the bottom of everything that happened like i heard someone So why do they even need... What's the pretense for being in the showers yeah like right right there the guys

2:15:45 Are those photos real of his house side of this little woods. I'm thinking because this guy told him to and so this one law enforcement officer who i think probably has a Like this thing is going to get so twisted and deep and horrifying. It was everyone afraid of losing their jobs, to come out and say this is horrible i going to finish out the season and then retire.

2:18:07 that's when they started flipping shit over. It really is. How many guys, how many kids? talking about this in the podcast last night, Yeah. why did you need to shower at all? with questioning him. No, that, but they have to be careful in how they proceed with questioning him. Way worse. I don't think they cheat child predators very well. And his access to kids and showers have to be limited

2:20:55 What? So he had to only do hot tubs after that or something.ubs after that oh my god yeah he had to find a new venue well he You know, like a giant sting operation. undercover the entire time or maybe just enjoying himself i don't think so i think that was his job But they see the big picture. It's like if you were, I always say if you're on an island with two people and one person said listen man

2:23:01 you're doing it wrong for sure. Where are you at this weekend? That is ridiculous. where they don't have a lot of windows I'm done for the night that I visit all the time nights free you know there's a lot of like-minded people in sacramento shazam yeah i see what you're Oh, really? Both times I did it in Denver, somebody managed to get drunk. Like I'm doing the Fort Lauderdale Improv on Monday, December 11th, and the West Palm Improv on Tuesday, December 12th.

2:26:10 That's a goddamn theater show. You killed my father. I think this podcast is pretty much over. Wow. saturday shows do you ever do those that's ridiculous three shows in one started up again and it's the same thing again well the real problem with second shows is sometimes I don't know if I did that joke. You kind of have your, if it's a really short joke,

2:29:18 Right. Yeah, people are going to know now. up and down act like god damn and meanwhile it was just water i don't act it too i don't act it And I do a whole you're just stone cold sober show because i'm not so what happens to the money laundering going on here where because the fake Money laundering. the club gives me free drinks that kind of argument with somebody,

2:31:42 me weed really yeah You trust it all? Wow. It's great. you know someone get offended the fact that he uh is uh above the law above the law yeah so You know, you got some cool But boy, do I love that Austin, though. I'm combining my other thing that I love to do now, I love about stand-up comedy, and then try to do the exact same set again. Yeah, yeah.

2:35:19 Brian was just having fun. whatever i'm doing at that time and then uh record it in each place and you can buy you can buy more They'd sell like CDs. Right. some of them aren't usually once a month i'll have a episode I will ask you off air how much the money is. I just got the ones think each show should have its own thing unfortunately for me movie studios can't

2:38:38 is so far fewer than what I do, so I could see where that could be limiting. ongoing satisfaction Because you've got so many other areas that you're interested in. That's the good and bad of podcasting is it's allowed me to talk about Why is that? That's what those guys are. Especially when you're baked to the gills. Thank Jesus I have marijuana have the marijuana not god but you know what i mean jesus uh yes thank jesus i have i have

2:41:14 15% off your new girlfriend. And thank you to also New Mood, it gives you like a little boost click on the link for O-N-n-i-t on it.com the alpha brain link you know what i'm talking about bitches click Yeah, Doug will be joining us tomorrow. podcast. But It's going to be a big, fat, fucking