Joe Rogan Experience #1587 — Mark Normand Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. I thought I've been super spreading for weeks. I just felt like that in my body like i must be hurting people Funny people hang out with funny people. They get weird. There you go. You can kind of get by eating them. Well, the pandemic's a bitch because you can't do stand-up, And Ron White was the funniest ever because before he's like, I did one with Tony Hinchcliffe at the Vulcan Gas Company like four weeks ago. And Ron White was the funniest ever.

2:20 The moment he gets off stage, he grabs me by my shoulders. At ten You just start chugging again I like it, and into it, because I think we're inherently lazy. to get your act back in order and right. If you've been doing four nights in a row, you're ready to go. I'm like, oh, that makes that better. Yeah. I literally don't even remember those bits because I purposely try to just move on.

4:38 And then you move on to a new hour and that's just all gone. yeah and then you're off and running well i felt it's weird i felt the rhythm the first night i Yeah. And you can't be loose and funny if you're assembling he's it's like for for him this is a like he thought this through he's like i would be before It's really wise. For two reasons. One, you want to hang with a guy, you want a buddy to come with you on the road,

6:56 And then I used to feel bad, like, comedy doesn't work. This guy's talking. You know, it's harder to hold. one of the cars is missing, and you have to jump it with a Because speaking of Seinfeld and 80s guys, they did their act for 700 years, you know? It's gone. It's done. It's out there forever. I guess it is recorded. I just watched it. Yeah to go with a family no no no no because it's recorded it's gone it's done

8:32 Definitely. like my act do you get that like do you have people from your past that you don't talk to Shout out to Tommy Jr. in Connecticut. We'd play pool together. you're 62 and then you're stuck with this uh plussize lady and you don't know what the hell to do and how to get out and you can't meet anybody new because you're 62. It's legal. In terms of men that have made money from divorces, he's the goat.

10:59 Who else do we know of that has made money off a high- high profile divorce where the woman had all the money Hunk of burning love. Got a little gut there. True. Ah, okay. Yeah. Yes. Like a fat man your body's beautiful right's beautiful. Right. Like, get the fuck out of here. They were trying it. It's true. feeling from other females. Which is actually healthier.

14:13 Yeah. You can do your thing and eat all the chocolate you want but i'm worried you'll get hit with the covid more It doesn't stick. Six figures. Wow. There's a great difference. $135 of the $436 was for child support. when the the man becomes the manager and it's very difficult for the woman to get away from I know. Right? Unlucky number. Oh, yeah.

17:33 and he had set up a bunch of meetings to see all these different headliners, I go, I got this bit. But it was a bit that actually worked. Yeah. All right. like some people don't like giving money to their managers. But I don't have that feeling at all. My manager was like, what are you, crazy? Where you could just kind of like, but no one was watching.

20:10 but it's funny because the guys you had on then i re-listened to some really old ones i was like From just being a comic. I agree. a kind of weird art yeah this is craziness is happening but for whatever reason because the there's actors involved and he had he was a writer so there's so many different even rap music yeah That's a biggie. Yeah, there's a lot of that.

22:39 There's all kinds of stuff that women are singing it at the club. No. He was doing stand-up the way he always did stand-up. between the two towers falling, and it got an applause Joking about this It's like hot sauce And I did a couple So she's like, don't treat me like an idiot. Yeah, so like, say just excluding them? And making fun of things Piss, fuck, motherfucker, and tits.

25:29 we're all fucked. Now we all miss out on some of the best bits ever. one of the all-time greatest bits and it's the most punchy downy bit of all time yeah he's making That's it. Here's what happened. A lot of them. They don't have thriving careers. Maybe they could have figured it out better. Against very successful, outrageous guys like Louis or like Joey Diaz

27:20 I'm trying to get a laugh here. All humans. Right, right. You made it. It's just everybody's unhappy. I don't have time. Well, some people just, if you don't have it, you don't have it that's true too that no one wants to Ah, I never got that. of the middle guy and i was like oh you know my pants are down, the most vulnerable position, and I went, Yeah, yeah. If you just take that and you say,

30:51 They want to hear stupid jokes. They do that in friendships. and hit on her and she'd go, no thanks of these fucks and that fuck, and I didn't get where I wanted to be because of fucks It's the same with religion. but I don't know. That should be innate. They paid. You pay the price. to have the juice right you're not going to have that horrible feeling you're going to sleep like

33:49 Many red roof ends showering going, oh, why did I say that fucking riff? and there's no surprises. because you're orchestrating it well, great. Well, some people don't like that feeling, so they start blaming other people. It'll fuck you up. You got a little gift of eating shit. Yeah. lifting ah that was too hard these weights suck fuck this gym patriarchy yeah covid is actually a great motivator because like people keep trying to bring it down and it's just it's still killing

36:05 Still going. Right? and I'm applying that same logic to the Bills. Yeah. They don't know what's... And he was a young kid, too. Or is he just like that? I never knew that Yeah, that's not Bell's palsy. Right. around going oh that was dumb what was I thinking I was so inconsiderate and selfish dude I hate Low self esteem is underrated You know, like, you do the UFC.

38:58 And so on paper, you could just sit back and go, knocking it out of the park, but you're still So if I always was that, and if i changed upon success that means that somehow Then instead of concentrating on the work, You can't do that. Yeah, you get what you deserve. in that way. I think that's why sports complain and blame other people. It's just fun to see, like, see like i fucked up there and i lost well that's why i always love

42:07 Right As this other person Is to concentrate and play Exactly. that were like big tv stars and they would go on stage Kramer and they would go on stage and a great material immediately the I agree. This is great. And then you're like, this story fucking sucks. That's why when you run into a hot girl who's really smart well not he it may be here not la yeah that's the whole thing about the Instagram ladies,

45:01 So what do I do here? No man is looking at bodybuilders and saying, like, a guy who's got big muscles and lifts bad that is for masculinity right how bad that is for the opinion that women have of us they already and kill it and then everything will fall into place don't worry about what group you're i know You get a stack of coins right away. You get no stack.

47:21 also like uh like gay people i'm also a person who's gay and i just think And so if you're a white man, and I'm not like, oh my God, you're defending white men. the advantages that you have, they want to let you know and show you their stack of coins. Yeah, work on you, not the identity. And if you can't find people, that's one of the beautiful things about the comedy community

49:23 I wasn't like, I love this black guy. Right. You know? And now I think, hey,'t like i love this black guy right you know and now i think hey i'm laughing this black guy how cool am i i'm on the other end of it you get wouldn't it be better if everybody's just cool to everybody And you're like, all right, all right. I know. It'd be nice. Maybe one of the best follows on Twitter.

51:43 Like, nobody reads her tweets and goes, oh, she's pretty funny for a chick. As a girl. And I never thought, like, I like this funny. And it was Madeline Kahn. She was so funny to me and I never thought like, God damn it. Cunt jokes. Also, I'm fasting. Yeah. I got energy. Yeah. It's available. You can get it ah yeah a little tidbit i learned from peter giuliano who's a uh coffee expert who's on the

54:36 I'm like, what are you doing? I love the guy who's like, I need this shitty elixir I don't know Yeah, and then there's weird chemicals that really probably shouldn't have been passed. What? I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. and he drinks Diet Coke like it's got like a vein thing going on. ICU? I'm just saying he drinks so much Coke, it was like an IV.

57:08 Yeah. Oh, Faye Bake? You know that lady was probably on some pills. It's hilarious when you hear what they fed these actresses back in the 40s. No, who am I thinking of? That's what looks good for us, a starving woman. want to be like that other body type of but they're just not you know and so there's this That's no good. Yeah. Way before that. Ah!

1:00:11 I'm all looking up And he told him, he goes, I'm going to get my butt implanted now. about that that you bring it up that rumor or that that myth oh yeah yeah my friend's gay he's like Good point. Yeah. Ah, that was a game changer. Before that, they were using, this says it goes back even further, When did they invent anesthesia? Yeah. Well, then it says Marilyn Monroe and Jane Russell,

1:02:54 They have a lot of pictures. I need to get more coal out of this fucking mine. just had to imagine shit yeah that's crazy and masturbation was greatly discouraged that's right that rule people were starving to death people needed to go gather food right people needed to People believed that back then. He was like, I don't want that kind of distraction.

1:05:07 I think he was okay in that department. He's the reason why this table is this but i'll tell it to you he's the reason person. Yeah. Because he went from being I'll make you love me. But it's a weird jump because he's not actually going to fuck the guy. Oh, yeah. He might have already lost to Evander Holyfield. call it toxic masculinity or whatever the hell evil men but it it's amazing that somebody would

1:07:53 Something's wrong. By the way, quite a hog on JMO. You look like the walls. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But man, would I kill for a huge dong. Give me one less of that, and let's fucking do this. Yeah. All praise be to my children. Lennox, I'm coming for you. I'm the best ever. I'm the most brutal that can match me. My style is impetuous. Yeah. I'm from their cloth.

1:10:59 That was amazing. Yeah, I don't know if he would be like that. This is the other one, though. Well said. Yeah. Yeah. he was not it wasn't that it was just skillful And just competitive And just unbelievably He was telling me the whole story of it He trained Floyd Patterson, Jose Torresres like world champions he's in the game He's getting hypnotized by this guy who's telling him,

1:15:27 but he's trained to think like a locomotion, you're going to be lying on your back, the more you feel it, I mean, that's a bad gumbo. before he had signed on to the fight, Uh-huh. who Mike was yelling at in the crowd there. They were talking to tons of people. Probably for safety. He may or may not have Dave Chappelle. Right, right. A skinny, young

1:17:59 That is hilarious. Jesus Christ. No. Remember, you ever seen the documentary, is it King of Kings? In the era of Joe Frazier and Muhammad Ali foreman when george was undefeated and was the champion Yeah, Babe Ruth is hot dog stomach. We're so splintered now that it's hard to get. In that he was a guy who stood up for the Vietnam War. He's like, no Viet Cong, no Vietnamese man ever did anything to me.

1:21:05 no income. Three years, that's insane. In his prime. hey, Bieber, you gotta go to Iraq. Sorry. Like, oh, listen to that. He was rioting or whatever. Yeah, those guys got arrested for stand-up. You're the cops now. You're jealous of that guy. This is not real. i saw a lot of that and i was like oh i see what's happening well they're trying to redefine

1:23:34 Yes, but it's never anyone good. Yeah, yeah. I remember thinking, like, what? Exactly. How can you say that? You're like, I just heard a clip. That's all I'm saying. It's killing it. bugged him about that sentence. I didn't think Bernie Sanders is a psycho. this is where they would get the money to institute national health care Yes Yeah, isn't that weird? Most people in cold climates are douchebags. Yeah. Yeah, and it's colder. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, isn't that weird?

1:27:17 Education's free. You go to Toronto. With Canada, it's literally the opposite. Oh my god. It doesn't look as wide as I thought it was. But I think I had read Take that photo that you have in the right hand corner. Yeah, yeah. That's hilarious. Yeah. No one's ever yelled, like green cards My friend paid art form like if you're trying to be uh right comedian there really is no better place in the

1:30:34 You go to China it's all our shit It's like this magic white woman. Right. how well did Blade do in China. They'll never replace him? I was like, what if they had another actor do it and they just CGI'd the face? Yeah. Go back and watch House of Cards. Oh cards oh great the guy's a fucking savage i know right he's obviously grabbing Hulk is interchangeable. I guess when

1:33:10 Yeah. Yeah. When you're making a statement like Ghostbusters, nobody watched it. Helmsworth. Not Moranis. I know. Oh, he was a bad guy and he died. With who? Harold Ramis died. I'm lying. And I don't think it's true. No. That's pretty good. No, before that. That is a great fucking comedy movie. And, like, Instagram and all that shit has such funny sketches.

1:36:45 because people want to see that shit or like what schultz is doing yeah like these these things he's a pause because the laughter is killing so hard but if you just stand there like is putting on such good work that it gets the platform it needs, and Yes. And a lot of the specials that people have released Some people are filming those. That's so weird.

1:39:25 it's fun last time he was here I was telling him like there's got to be a way to bring that back He could do it himself. And it's a whole new crop now. really into this people that aren't 100 dedicated are not doing rooftop shows exactly you know i'm I'm vulnerable enough. You gotta yell at me. sitting down, my buddy Todd and Brian Redband, his girlfriend,

1:41:09 It gives me hope too because of the way Bill Burr does stand-up. And people get so mad about that. I'm going to go to Dallas and shit on Biden. He's going to sneak it in on you Oh, that was special. The opener was George Carlin. Let's have art. We're in a crazy tumultuous time that's happening in young people today. I hope. And I think people just want a bitch.

1:43:29 You want to be like, his wife's black. You're that. And then they can dismiss you. But being a a simple statement. You're that, and then they can dismiss you. It bugs me. Because we're designed for this. Like they're older folks or they're far away. Yeah. Let's give it a year. I'm going to fuck you until you love me. I've had that with guys before.

1:45:44 Like, it's not a normal way a person would talk to someone also pretend you're the most progressive person alive i know and like i i'm a lefty guy and i get They do, for sure. Phobe. You don't want to take the time to think about what's the nuance to this discussion? I'm going to move my fucking pawn? I know. like literally have not lost any enthusiasm for it. Still enjoy it. Enjoy it more now because I enjoy it as an,

1:48:19 What could you be jealous of? with MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour you're not going to be jealous Like I remember like running into someone that I had seen on HBO and then He's right there. And now I'm like, somebody's on MTV, I spit in their coffee. And I sat in the front row of Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge, Never gets brought up, by the way. I bring him up all

1:49:59 a couple years back, because I was driving home Yeah. is a great sign he was one of the first guys to wear one of them fucking bobby Yeah, because I just hear my high school friends going, And look, some people use it, and they hit it on their head, and they dangle Some guys use it a lot. Yeah. I got you with the cow? It was one of those magic moments, you know.

1:52:34 It's so like, I am more important than all the other people that are laughing. She's got a little stack of coins, identity politics, big woman. Yeah, she pushed. That's why I did it. I just did it on my laptop like an idiot. no no cut him off cut him off and i was like oh they said i can do anything i'm sorry and i Right. If you have an avatar, and through your avatar you can be anything you want,

1:54:57 I'm big boned. don, full head of hair. You'd be Thor. exciting. You need the rain to get the If you're around a lot of regular people, and then some Tara Patrick in her prime walks in the room, and everybody's like, holy shit. It's not true because then it's not beauty. And women. In terms of the way people treat you, Sounds like a great cat. If you had the choice, if we entered into a virtual world

1:58:02 You know what I mean? These are real women. It's always like heavy-set those are fucking cows, They're asking for chips. for being big and I'm beautiful. But if you got someone Oh, do I? Tiny, skinny woman. statement anybody could say. Exactly. Yeah. It's very strange because so much weight has been put on females looking beautiful. Those dudes live a sad life.

2:00:31 we all go hey you know he's like who's the joke on i'm i'm decrepit and i'm getting plowed by this Really? Sad dude. yeah but that's the biggest misconception is that it's all men and look a lot of it where we're I don't like the way it makes them feel. And the date was smoking hot and had a a low cut blouse and a tight skirt. This girl was getting all the attention.

2:02:57 like a hot woman right that like they're so rare that everyone's stumbling over themselves to get I never met one. and some guy was in like a chicken costume, It's amazing. So he was already a movie star. Oh, he's at Pink's. They should kidnap him. But yeah. Oof No one helps Where are you gonna do that There's the guy who did sign the waiver. He's a hunk, but he was a fat guy. But he was a fat guy for a while.

2:05:31 that's some deep need norm mcdonald at one point was a handsome guy but he lived on a farm with I agree. Four Heads is not a good enough mount. He's on another level where he's invented certain things I never knew. And the lady is like, oh, my God, how can you say that, Norm? They go, Norm's right. I don't know. i guess it is i'm not sure yeah everybody started freaking out like that he said that right instead

2:08:04 You know, and you're like, that's so true. And then he goes, who do Germany decided to attack the world. I've never hung out with him. That's so weird. And we were on a plane. Why didn't I? I was like, I love this bit and that joke but my friends were watching. Said hi to everybody like other comics. There you go. you know like jenny was a guy that didn't really hang around that's true that's true those guys

2:11:13 I'll see a table at the cellar of all these great comics, And we're having so much fun. I was missing those shit talk sessions. You ever have these people who like your act, and they go, I guess so. If you're a barroom guitar act, you're never going to meet Mick Jagger. I was in his presence, I should say, more than I met him. That was cool. when you let a comic into the fold.

2:13:39 with Santino. comics, sitting around, talking shit. of shit and talking about the dedication. and they're just trying to get closer and closer because most of them are just trying to slip their stinky little hog into their body. But here's the thing is, every now and and then a lady wants you to be that guy. and you're like, maybe I could be that guy.

2:15:27 Or the opposite. I like to pretend it's me, so that's hard That's gotta be tough. That's rude. Isn't it funny, though, that that's almost racist? when I was, I don't know how long in a comedy Where you going? Where you going, Jamie? Not a good joke. Terrible joke. Wow. I go, it's a stereotype About Jews being good at business There's nothing derogatory

2:17:46 Wait, that guy must be the biggest social justice warrior of all time now. And, you know, got a big laugh. And this is a big, you know, PayPal is... Who's about to be your neighbor. It's had its run. Gavin Newsom is like the best thing that ever happened to U-Haul. No. Told people, now's of this Austin Still stuff. Oh, okay. Dude, you're perfect. And we get to honestly say, hey, we did the show,

2:20:03 Is it? and whatnot. There's a weird ability for some people to accept anti-Semitism when they would never accept any other kind of. that's one sign that you're going down a dark road when you start blaming things on the Jews. Yeah. Hollywood and Hollywood controlling the media That's the rumor. Are you sure? Right. You got a point. You got a point.

2:22:40 I'm Italian. I'll tell you Yeah. It's weird. and drinking Cutty Sark? Wow. Yeah, yeah. and he would bite people. So is it shitting up there and everything? I think the monkey bit my cousin on HBO. Did he get powers? Oh, but look, Henry Ford apparently. What did he do, snooze? and you immediately know they're coming from Dr. Seuss. Yeah. Hmm. I don't know that. the grandniece, right?

2:26:41 joining. That's true. I was real young when it happened. I was like, there's something else? They believe in Jesus, I remember freaking out. and i remember nobody wanted to answer me because i was annoying and i was six or whatever yeah And we used to call it Fast Times at Hebrew High. about Jewish people didn't make any sense. Yeah. Well, if you find yourself a nice Jewish lady, then you can convert.

2:28:55 Yeah. They're oppressed. It's crazy. And back when they were That's a weird thing that happens. well, you're chosen. because they wish they had that going on. Right. out together or girls or whatever, that sometimes they get hate from people on the outside because If other groups were like, you can only... They want to keep going, yeah. I don't want to say shit.

2:31:00 Exactly. Also what's crazy about Jews is they're so CNN and Hollywood. It's almost like an apology for it, I guess. He'll do blackface, and he's like, That was the discussion about Little Rascals, right? Oh, man! But you've got to remember, this is the enemy of the war. glasses and buck teeth? Like you knew it was an Asian guy? You've got to pick one thing. What a weird... Isn't that weird that that became the stereotype?

2:33:42 That was a part of the impression. That was like a Catskills type thing. Right, right. That's just karate. so they would get him up on the stage all the time. just fucking leveled a room. You listen to it now, you're like, this is fucking hilarious. I think they're too busy with the cello and the studying or whatever it is. so they're like, well, we've got to slow these bitches down.

2:35:52 It's an interesting argument. They're kind of sneaking it in with like, it's basing it on various aspects of their personality and how they engage with people. I thought it was like, oh, if you're white, you have to go to this point, grades and being super dedicated. so yeah it sounds like it again why sports are so fun, because it's just meritocracy.

2:37:36 But we won't accept that same standard when it comes to Asian people in universities. Just full of people. as it used to be no so i like how you did this with your hair well i'm just saying accentuate If you're just getting educated, It makes sense. I'm paying for this shit. Yeah, that's why I quit, to go do comedy. I know. boston i think than any other city yeah but there was also like cold weather and you had to fucking

2:40:25 Reagan was president, I think, still. Well, the good thing about it is there was a real chance that you were never going to it was completely normal to get punched out. but that's, you know, You can anti-bully all day long, but they're always going to be there. I remember very clearly after some kid kicked my ass, And I noticed that he was on the other side.

2:42:18 Right. Especially if they find that you're weak and you're fucking kicking a dead horse all right i'm already you know i'm already humiliated i got knocked out And I saw white, I remember. stomped on by like a Birkenstock. You got hit every now and then. Yeah. Then you think, you have daughters, right? Yeah. It's crazy. I don't know, one or two, you know? I mean, I think women are, wouldn't go that way. You ever have a girl punch you? Oh, yeah. How many? I don't know, one or two, you know?

2:44:58 Never had that. do you know that most domestic violence is woman against men did you know that some guy There's a man, there's a woman. Well, you know, you always watch these, killer women, you know, on a true TV. They would catch people doing things like that. She put one cyanide pill or whatever it was. This could be it. I know, that's wild. And then they took aspirin off

2:47:17 She drops it in there and shakes it up. Let's wait a while for Tom to kick the bucket. Really? pickup trucks. they they'd split up a couple of times and i was like bro just get out and he he didn't want to My gal's pushing it, but... and I don't like that blemish of a divorce. Yeah. Because you change, you grow, you move on, whatever it is. And I don't like that blemish

2:48:59 that you're doing where you're saying, Sounds romantic. Yeah, exactly. We're in for a long haul. writing. Great acting. But holy Because you gotta win. Psychological. So she decided to meet with a bunch of different lawyers, all the best lawyers in town. Oh my God. she loves me. A new wife. They don't have children. Yeah. You're scaring the shit out of me here

2:52:36 Right I don't care if it's the man or the woman Yeah, girls, we got that one. He goes, it's a fucking scam. he was like 46 when he was on news radio. You know, you're like, I could just hire a person and finish this problem off. to manipulate this sort of discussion and now you're going to war and you're battling. You see them fighting, and you're like, dude, we're all Americans.

2:54:58 No, you did a good job. Some people get divorced and they're great. It can happen that way too. I thought we were in love. But here's the thing they'll say. It's pretty cut and dry. But here's the thing they'll say. I guess I'm not all in. Oh, well, you'll be fine. You might want to stay a few minutes. Comedy's not real. Oh, I appreciate it. Man. The heat lamp guy.

2:57:31 They're already shooting people up with it. Whoa. The thing that I just heard that was fucking freaking me out, Oh, right. Can't do it. You taking a lot of vitamins? I think I got a decent immune. Well, they say it's a placebo sometimes. Especially with the immune system. But what they were saying was, Google this then, even though you get get the vaccine you can still spread the virus

3:00:08 It's months apart. He saw that for a month. You know why? But you're allowed to be racist against Russians. Always good to have you in. And listen to Tuesdays with Stories and praise Allah.