Joe Rogan Experience #163 — Doug Stanhope, Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 That was one of the best commercials we ever did. This is a good argument for the necessary... How would you know the difference between that and this? So that's the... Yeah, sure. It seems a little disingenuous yeah no i'm i'm just it's a vehicle yeah i'm a They came around? Bring in this fucking savage. and booking it yourself. you know it's a fucking Stanhope crowd when you see them walking down the street.

2:44 Calgary, there's a train station in front of where the gig was. Look at one of Stan Hope's fans right there. And now I'm fucking watching football Rivalries. Like, who gives a shit? So was Dane doing the benefit? Avoided the paparazzi. yeah they're very old people well people are looking for a reason to be cunty because they're I realize somewhere along the line it's mostly just jealousy and insecurity.

5:32 Like, what are you, crazy? fun i don't want to just be the only one who's having fun up there. I'm so spoiled socially. They don't understand. the time and she would always give me shit about it but you know i finally i had to have a sit But she hated it. I don't hate chicks. It hurts me. you know Jesus fucking Christ I want to go have fun. Yeah, no, I think.

8:17 You know, it's the one thing that you get out of podcasts and shit, too, though. It's so important, man. Yeah, man. that i tell is when you and i uh did mushrooms mushrooms and then we went out to the desert and it was the day the war started. It didn't get us off at all. And, you know, that's what they think Soma was. But we're watching Countdown to the War.

10:48 I'm going to give you my picks as John Madden, and then you go Terry Bradshaw is gonna fucking come on They timed it? It was prime time here. CNN had fucking advertisers. Remember the tall German chick that was lanky and cute and a short brunette? Why stop there? I didn't give her no fucking herpes. And she was an expert in mixing. No, no. GSP? On Sundays, I'd go to a house.

13:58 She was 100 pounds overweight, but this bitch was bad. I forgot about this. with a little white envelope and give me stealing from them. I couldn't I got like two ounces of blow They're picking me up at 9 in the morning, paging me on the red pager. So how much coke were you stealing from them? and I don't know... you ever get and you go okay He'll do coke

16:35 You know what And no weed Not that it isn't. This is 90. They're doing one of those a day. It's just those two. And a kid, after my set, gives me a little baggie with the bottom of it filled up. I'm in my house on fire. I have the coke in the car, right? It's a becker tub. I used to leave it outside on the rocks in somebody else's garage, and then I would go

19:08 How many days? Jesus Christ. Last time ever I seen Whitney Houston. there like I don't even know it's Ricky Martin. I just looked out the window. I was more paranoid Had to be 98, 97, 99. unless I see the guy on the street jar? It's just a thought he had No, I would never rob a change jar. I'm a professional. Oh, you and that weird chick. on the background like this.

21:56 About Ricky fucking clean and sober now. You know what I'm saying? The fuck? I got no experience with this cocaine. and nothing else was stolen. No, I think the last time I went to Stan Hope's house. I was at the Coaching Horses one night, out of my fucking mind, And I open my eyes sideways and I see the clock. It's subsidized. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If we have to do this

24:34 Fucking somewhere I'll probably be fucked up No, it's perfect. Why'd you decide to... You live in Bisbee, Arizona, in the middle of nowhere, right? I don't even see the inside. Yeah, Jake LaMotta has come over to the house a couple times. You know what? someone off and stop sign because they cut you off because that guy will be behind you in line fucking bit about your neighbor.

26:43 I was looking for it. I know. Because now you have a lot of friends in town. Let's do a triple run old school. Where'd you go? on a triple gig in Boulder, Colorado. was the fucking Joker broker's fucking spotted me in the And then you had Thursday in Craig, Colorado. and I became friends with Doug, It was a condo. And you stayed again and you meet a real comic,

29:26 You're like, hi, I'm the comic. He was like sweating profusely. And I had to go up every Tuesday in front of the same 80 people while they were cutting into the steak Lenny Clark is one of the legendary comedians of Boston, a fucking awesome guy. stupid act i had at the time and as i'm talking like i'm in the middle of a bit right about to and it would happen like every 15 seconds.

31:51 That's who I replaced. on my dog than that brand never caught on I'll take it people still drink Honey Brown remember Honey Brown like a little... If they're out of Heineken, you'll get a Beck. Yeah, I'll take it, When you were a kid? I guess so. You are pretty prejudiced with beer, though. It's not a light beer. Sam Adams. No, no, no. And Stan Hope sees him out of a corner of his eye.

33:57 Aku Aku, me, you, and Chris Maguire. I got booed off stage when I followed Jim Brewer once. And if anything happened bad during the day, if I got in a fight with a chick, They were fun crowds. comfortable this is a fucking the clothes of an asshole and so i i felt backstage i was like shit Fuck, I don't feel funny. All I could say to him is, you're not helping.

36:34 me, man, about the Oh, shit. I can't go. The pot enhances it. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot sixes up. The pot six up. What do you expect? Let it go. I'll get you to your show. It taps you into the fucking nature of the universe. You're beautiful, baby. And it was the only time you got knocked out, dude. Well, I don't know who it happened to, so thanks for not saying the names.

39:26 Is he working with Dom Herrera in Vegas? and they have these big high-level gambling matches He's breathing. And I didn't hear it when I was on the phone, but then I was listening on the radio. Oh, yeah. What about fucking Phil Davis against Rashad? That's going to be a great fucking fight. Ari, listen. I go, I can't believe I'm in traffic. Fuck yeah.

41:54 Yeah, it's great. Everybody's texting. And I was like, I don't – What is it called? IQ Client? when you buy an Android phone, Doug Stanhope, you have an Android phone now, all right? Well, apparently every time you send a You think these are the only people that do this, Joe Rogan? wrong, what are you worried about? many times I do happy faces, you know,

44:24 No, it's not that, man. You know information Who gives a fuck No it's not that man Yeah Everyone's terrified of it that's inevitable, right? So, yeah. The whole thing's amazing. Yeah. drive an hour and a half to an airport you could. You could get it in your car. Yeah, you can get it in your car. Yeah, I get serious. Yeah, we pay for our own Sirius.

46:46 basically every day for some reason I got a package No, classic vinyl is a station, you fuck. Like drop the bomb on me late,. Are you coming December 30th? Big one. And you're criticizing them about their ability to beat the fuck out of each other. the fucking guy from the show again? Does Mayhem have credits other than the stupid, fraudulent VH? That's what you thought of?

49:33 They don't have the Super Bowl card up here, unfortunately. And I would steal quarters or dimes to get $1.35 or something. That's a guy you can trust. Yeah. Coach With two of the hottest And me looking at him We were You know how dive bars go. And then the regulars that knew her were trying to explain, Am I good? That's why there was no one in there.

53:05 That place is closed? Oh, my God. I got busted one time in Santa Monica, San Vicente, broken. That's what it was. You have no fucking idea. $200 for the white neon. Oh, shit. Healed a lot of other fights, though. I don't know what it is. Joe Diaz ladies and gentlemen Powerful Joe Diaz With your mother's cat? And she put a little towel. And she put the fucking towel. And she had to wait for the cat. She took a little towel and she put the fucking towel

55:58 I need that leg. December 10th. Where are you at? I'm paying comics, fucking airfares. I'll give you a free DVD if you give me free surgery, and I got it. And you look like Robert De Niro at some points, and I'm trying to fucking ignore a lot of things that are going on in my head. What was the story? That's right. You know what I mean? Yeah. he could they could easily both of them could have been comics if they wanted to be yeah i know a lot

59:56 they're not working on it they're not working on a bit yeah joey diaz just fuck yeah i mean come on oh yeah no it's something I think or if you know If you're open about trying it out. And he starts telling me fucking giving it away with that voice. Am I talking fucked up? I'm going to fucking power through this. Oh, you know what he did? And they don't care if they just use you to get their shit off

1:02:24 They want to get off in your mouth. I don't know what that is, but I've noticed. I'll give you an analogy that might work. That's what cocaine is like. Well, is Adderall the medium then? you call it the the practice of doing coke i like yeah the chopping up and doing a line is really I was like 18 years old. we see this car beside us. Fuck you. i'm like this is fucking good and then we went back in for a second hit and i put the acid on my

1:06:45 because I don't want to where some guy, just your neighbor Much like you are queered off Coke from a finger. Like, yeah. That seems like 40 minutes ago. Brian's fucking with you. Your cigarette went out? I got to talk. but it's so that people, when they flick them out their windows, They approved more than 500 different chemicals that are in cigarettes.

1:09:40 Well, no, it is his accountant, Brandon Walsh. And they're like, ooh, how do we talk? They're fucking big comedy fans. plug. I have to always mention Harvey cell phone fucking oh i guess he's always staring at a laptop you're like what the fuck is it does They're all just watching. I went on there last time, and I felt like, are we really on the air?

1:12:29 Don't get me wrong. No, it just seemed like that when you're in there. But, you know, you go to O&A, it's just a hangout, And we were asking him questions about smoking crack. I'm going, how much is that? That's funny that you immediately knew who it is. No, no, no, no. I really thought Fucking half naked Fucking package The way he moves, he would be terrible at fucking.

1:14:49 I'd be like, come on, buddy, what's this? They just look different. But I also have Counting Crows and Tim Curry, who no one knows his fucking music at all. I do the rock myself. Wow, that guy's like a really good singer? That's crazy. But I don't like music. or I sleep. No, I want to download. Yeah, background music. one comic this is a for money one it's a real death pool not like just something we joke about this

1:17:37 Fucking remember the crackle of that rock. Very late, right? Jeff Conaway. That's why he's a real nice guy. and anybody who doesn't understand that, it's ridiculous. Dude, you're going to be great. One show. It's fucking like... distracting as fuck. You told me to show you the video. Oh, that's That's really in your iPod? This is back when Are you seeing something?

1:22:08 that's what AA is they put you into 12 step programs audience talks to me he says you laughing you crying i turned my head i said i'm laughing He died like that. for marijuana addiction. No, that's what they do. They've had people on there for marijuana addiction. You know that. back into the universe Isn't that ridiculous? And stealing our fucking

1:24:24 Wow You alright buddy Yeah no I'm good I'm good I just I haven't been high Taking our corruption. Who's that nonsense sayer? Wow. Yeah, but many years I've seen you turn down weed every single time. Oh. Yeah, it's awesome. You eat cookies. We're fine. You're a very introspective dude, and you don't have any ego problems, laughing without me or at me and i it wasn't never felt maybe you gave up on it like way too early

1:26:32 was like a teenage loss. Sativa is not so great for it either. Short-term memory is a weird thing with marijuana. You're a legendary for giving a dude that smokes pot a lollipop and he can't get off a fucking couch. Like, I couldn't move. i function shit face drunk yeah i don't always function perfectly around like i gotta be careful Daddy, we don't like it when you...

1:28:35 And then I had a cup of coffee fucking tolerance for it and then when you don't have it for a while your body sort of normalizes always writing and you're always performing but that's happened how many fucking oh of course I remember you from 2002, you fucking stooge. It's just you think about the numbers of people you meet every night. is my boyfriend doug and i'm like this fucking cunt with a mullet in the corner.

1:32:07 richard jenny you know the dangerous richard jenny on the danger midnight fucking get another 25 self-esteem yes did you like him as a comic i He had one of the fucking best bits, I didn't know him as a human being. I'm sorry. And when it's more than 150 people, you simply don't have storage for it. a value to them because they're why they like you because you hate yourself and then oh have too many fans and then you don't even understand why they like

1:35:39 address on the fucking website hey steal stuff hey some, hey, today, it's Friday, right? Whatever it is. Take your fucking coworkers' just because bingo's retarded and she never understands why all these packages are showing up on fucking post-it take them you mean start my t-shirt uh company and you go there's a lot of t-shirt companies I don't fuck anymore.

1:38:00 wow it's just yeah it's such a non-event. It feels fucking trivial Like, isn't there something? The entire, where you can look at the actual fucking There's no fucking alien substances. technologically related. It seems to be You want the food club special. Can I get an energy drink? Is that a bad thing to say? get a shot of whiskey you're doing jaeger bombs and you're 60 exactly i'm out of class but i've

1:41:31 I just hate when it's marketed towards me. I like when I hit the gas, it goes, Yeah, that you're supposed to be really involved in our political system. You make your own fucking reality. Well, not often enough. there's not. You can't start a compound you know what just fucking shut up Everyone that's in a fucking criminal element has to be so, like.

1:43:47 No, it's a fucking thrift store. Like, if they fucking sold merch, I'd buy a shirt. You're going to walk for a cure is what you're going to do. point is it could be done if you Men style. There's so many. And they need to. to have shit education pretty much everybody to see Right now, they have baskets out in the desert where they're looking to put your gold.

1:46:27 That's ridiculous. It's fascinating, Doug Stanhope. We've never had a public display of how fucking pissed people are like this. is that they're trying as hard as they can to control it. I mean, we've already had people getting hurt, people getting, you know, hit with tear gas canisters in their fucking face, flash grenades. No one's explained to me what the fucking fight is.

1:48:04 Or not ignorant. Any mob action is general ignorant reaction or not not ignorant um any mob You need fucking numbers, i'm a weak hippie dress up like a fucking raider fan giant fucking mad max helmet darth vader yeah be as intimidating as the more What are you going to do? But how is that going to help you get rid of all the retards? You're not going to run the whole thing.

1:50:24 That's funny. Because you have kids like a fucking terrarium project. Yeah. We haven't talked in a while. No, no. There's a lot of dudes that You can take your chick anywhere. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, no, that's always been. I just... You're centering? Seems like we're all in the same room. about earlier where they're they're literally going to define the u.s homeland as a battlefield

1:54:17 But they do care. What they're preparing to do that they're literally putting this on paper. And when these things get out on the Internet, and CNN's not covering it and washington times isn't covering it but you can get it on your And the way to deal with it isn't a fucking tank. to ever be introduced to a society ever. That's when the middle class rose up.

1:56:48 It's just that we can't pull it off on a mass scale. Nobody looks at that. You're right Route 66. where they fucking mimic bumper stickers. And they're not even poor. because they grew up yeah no but we live in a a very insular we think oh you have fucking three million listeners I try not to. actually do think it's funny because I know it's not that's such a cliche let me be your wacky neighbor that now it's a cliche of when it was a cliche so

1:59:34 It's just what it looks like, bro. My house was on the I called So after 29 years in a town of 6,000 were out of idea so they came to us because we I never even considered, because I'm the fucking last guy to even think about technology. Yeah, you don't want that. That is a problem. Fun with pedophiles. That's the only stuff I've ever done that I go back and I laugh my balls off of my own stuff.

2:02:19 Is it still up? You come back from Europe and you're like, oh, Don'tEvenReply. famous remember when it was like a tape that would go around tapes like uh they're making a documentary Does this bar. That's what I was thinking of. He would just get crazy. trying to give these guys everything they can get to me that sounds like a perfectionist Shit. and I got to come back.

2:05:32 tapes that he would make he would i just got rid of them recently because i had already seen the like a woman found inside of an alligator type shit. You know, you, you, You saw Barnyard Betty, right? Yeah, he was a... He calls me every couple months. jake the snake roberts and he's all fucking playing some armory in carney nebraska and when I thought of this idea

2:08:36 right right right that would just be a beautiful fucking documentary to watch it could be interesting i came to ohio university and it was like I'm like, who's talking? I came to Ohio University, They billed me as... Yeah. it was parents doing shows sober. family friendly and under fucking yeah are you finding this wow i know it's on you how did you get out we're watching it right now Like some angry dad right beside where he's filming.

2:10:55 and then it goes to the part where the guys start yelling. Just saying. That's what he's. Oh, yeah. When did you do these? Right. And then yelling about something when it strikes me. at this point but then yeah it's a waiting list it's like a lambo field i can only have this many But Doug would call me up and just be like, hey, man, I'm bored. Oh. So we'd go to the thrift store and we'd buy like terrorist outfits.

2:14:51 I remember being like, all right, you could get too much shit. This is embarrassing. You're a man. The second video is where he hits me in the head. Like two and a half hours long? to keep going another like 15 20 minutes oh i'll fucking talk as long as people sound like we're It goes on too long. It was one minute long. and then went to Costa Rica

2:17:40 Oh, wow. I can't even say I quit coffee. And then you said something about fucking burritos. Just every now and then you mention a fucking thing. I think more of a Julio Galatius guy or whatever that guy's name is. At one point, I thought I was getting my elbow in the pool because the ashtray is right here. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, pack four five six seven eight nine nine cigarettes you're crazy it seems like somebody

2:20:11 He's under a cloud of that. i tell you what he's buying jokes from you know he has a lot of writers right and uh andy he has he's fuck he'll tow his fucking rolls royce off the back of his tour bus. He's like a Vanilla Ice jokingly. bird man okay it's a rat you fucking listen to i don't fucking garbage well what i was listening I love old, busy Smalls.

2:22:29 It's fun for me. Not someone sat on a fucking bus with a notebook. It was fun to listen to. someone said oh who do you like jeff dunham and peanut and i immediately hate you because you the drunkard guy he was a drunkard in england there's a i always want to say allister but it's Like if I'm really high and I have 400 songs from my life that I can remember that I like.

2:25:34 it encapsulates a mood for me i just appreciate the art i don't know how to do it i don't know It's the theme to Welcome Back, Cotter. Imagine trying to put that show on today. Where did he get his power from? i used to sell coke to him through a glory hole greatest american hero used to come in there You're just a chain-smoking motherfucker. never done tucson radio somehow they're like tucson's against entertainment really wow the

2:28:12 How did this fucking town... selling property there's no no work how do you figure out how to get all together though that cell phone reception or tvs and it was this little motel uh and we did that for till to get to a point where seven years in, The fucking house would tilt as to when there was some plain clothes. Yeah, I would imagine You wear a polo shirt. Sir, can I have

2:30:13 Come on, boy. He's on my... Listen how close I've been on my death pool. Yeah, he had a pulmonary embolism. All these weird border guys, man. Oh, he's nuts, for sure. and one of the reasons why Arizona is so they fucking hate Canadians at the border too. Can I get ketchup like No, the horrible old Tommy Lee Jones. Who's on your show tonight? Really?

2:33:43 All right. And he was like, what's a change jar? When's your next break? I can't believe they remade that movie. I have UK dates booked. Right. What happened? and he goes uh but you're very controversial and i go yeah well there's not none of that i can do for mentioning that YouTube clip. I used to put so much more effort my fucking attention span

2:37:58 You can talk to it. Does anyone have a pen? Yeah, there's not a lot Writing itself, My fucking accountant, He doesn't want the ability to just take money out of your account. right yeah and people agree to it how And look what Napster became all these years later. It records the song real quick for like 15 seconds. Sends it sends it back to you tells you what the song is then

2:40:38 I don't have the fucking... I don't need to fucking... really weird to watch because i know you but it was also i thought you did amazing in it all right I lost the point completely. Is this psychological? your head you're you're working in the background i can't find where i became kind of miserable i know it's somewhere around the breakup with my wife but not connected

2:43:18 I used to get tired in the day. You're supposed to be even. you want do you need to do the doctor, the Dr. Drew show? What the fuck's going on here? What's this, Love Line here, Brian? Maybe you're hanging out with the wrong crowd. You can live here. 85 foot Crestline in the mountains in California. But you could also have Bring him. Please help me fucking sell this Rialto.

2:45:36 Brendan Walsh, Brody Stevens. heard good things who else uh garrett stab as a local and of course a beautiful fantastic Is that what it is? No, it is. It was fun. And you can fuck yourself into a bad state of mind. Negative vibes create negative atoms in your DNA. We could go off forever about of how pointless comedy is and the fucking scam that we get away with doing this for a living when it should be

2:48:58 right Alice II yeah I don't want to do anything more it's like headberg's joke about oh you're a comic can you write You didn't do a lot of us. I can't wait. You're going to love it. I'm looking forward to your show tonight, man. Last night, I go, I go, no, he's saying it flippantly. I was going to go see you if you didn't do the podcast I wish. the person that's yeah no no that's like affluence but no you're not someone i feel uncomfortable

2:52:15 And then they get scared and then they clam up. I don't like to ever, you know, judge anybody or look at them all in categories. order but headburns was my all-time guide but like pound for joke for joke no one has more To be that good? And I'm fighting. I honestly don't think it's an either or. Yeah, I want fried clams. and you get 15% off and you will use the same masturbation device

2:54:54 That's all just a space move. Why? Go fuck yourself. Check out New Mood, the 5-HTP, an L-Tryptophan Supplement, and Shroom Tech, the Cordyceps Mushroom Energy Supplement, Alright. Thank you, Doug Stanhope. Yeah, guys. He's a savage. All right. Mwah.