Joe Rogan Experience #1632 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Thanks, buddy. A little bit of alien shit. Me and then a big neon thing of my name right behind me. but I just don't know if it's the right background. It's very consistent. Pretty similar. sure you could Diaz you see that in Miami and he was unfollowable oh I'm with that flavor I featured there like 12 years ago at the old Coral known

3:08 Like that. You know? Like, you know. It really is a super diverse city, man. You know, let me see what it's like. Well Schultz has been there the entire winter. Yeah, he rode out the whole way. He's loving it. He loves it Yeah, and he's already got COVID, so, you know. What does that feel like? Yeah. denver you know because her family comes from communist yeah you know countries and like this

5:51 Anybody that's been from any sort of, any communist country, they get furious. Like if you just want to study the marketing and running a campaign, They got way more votes than they thought, than anyone thought they were going to get. Oh, yeah. They're jacking up their taxes to over 14%. dangerous and it's fucking dirty man yeah there's trash trash everywhere

7:44 And it's all shut down. No, well, they used to use prisoners to clean that shit up. Mm-hmm. No idea? Nobody. Mm-hmm. I mean, I heard he's just, hey, has anybody heard anything from Artie? You have no idea? You can be creative. Not in a million years. it's gonna that's going to increase that's here to stay you know like when paywalls first started and we're just taking it on the live shows to another level so like we spend money on

10:52 And we had musical guests. Yeah. But when I first saw it, I was like, who is that? Now, when you plan these out, like how long in advance? idea was we're gonna do like well Bert and I were into like competing you know the tightest show that we've done where we go, what comes is like you know when we first did that heavy segment it was like all just

13:45 oh, okay, that'll cross out a whole category of videos. So we just try to push it. So we just showed that clip. Mm-mm. Yeah. How do you know? when they're watching it at home. And then there's one with me and Red Band where we watched the BME Pain Olympics. yeah why yeah what are you doing i don't know man why did he do that did he have other options he

16:12 Like, sometimes they'll show me a few frames or what's kind of happening I was bummed out by that. He goes, would you do a, because, you know, people were doing live or streaming ticketed stand-up shows. I was like, nah. So I was like, I'm definitely not doing that. what justifies a ticket so raise the value of the whole ticket and so it just kind of built like that and

18:49 then since we'll own it you know we could then license it or distribute it It's a movie but but it would be you know more along those lines words So, yeah. for us has been the thing I was the biggest fan of seeing I knew this was Yeah. And this is just further along. So it's going to be like people are going to be choosing where to spend their money

21:52 So you're not splitting it with anybody. That's true Well, I keep hearing this rumor that Apple's going to try to do that with podcasts. That'll affect some numbers. Wow. That is. It's about how many people are actually listening. have these crazy inflated numbers. and it would count as a second download. You know how I knew it was bullshit? I was like, what's wrong?

25:01 They were like, the system is not right. the most fucked up number it's cuz it actual podcasts now. That's the most fucked up number. So which is, in America, one out of every 320 people have a podcast. That's so many. There's a lot of that. so that it's unique. Yeah, I wonder what that number is. Yeah. What are you doing? It is a job. Yeah. Yeah, so when I started doing that, and I was like, because there's a lot of people listening, like, how many?

28:09 and you're like yeah yeah that's who's watching man there's a whole other segment of this audience like we all just used to go like fucking show you want, and you don't have to act like... Do you remember the last time, or did you pitch shows? where the executive rested his hand on his face for the whole thing. That's my favorite out and i was like i'm not taking it out people have watches what are we what are we talking about

30:37 but it was like that was their, and they were like nah no it's got to be like 50 watch and i was like no no no no i disagree and they're like hmm and i'm like this is what Right. I just now that we do what we do it's like the idea of going back going there and especially Can't do it. Plus it's like, I think that's when your brain because you're having interesting

33:01 It makes you think about stuff. And then it doesn't No, it's an awesome gig. And also people, they didn't want to come in. I'm like they're there and we're showing them something and like it just doesn't that would be a great thing. But those two guys can really fucking talk by themselves. Well, Tim has Ben, his producer, I mean, it really works. I mean, that's when I realized how good he is.

35:44 but they're not. Right, right. He's just talking and it sounds like bits but they're not Yeah. It is. No, no. That's his kind of party. Yeah. Everybody's always hammer there. Anywhere there's a party, Bert's been. Yeah. Yeah. That's his kind of party. I'm like, oh, okay. Right. The opposite is true. himself single right mm-hmm so and he was just like pale yeah weird out by

38:52 Someone checks on you, oh, check your vitals and leaves. So they have like a bank of channels for each language. which was a New Year's Eve live. Let's compete. where they were doing before that. No, I dunked at nine though, so I beat Bert. got this and you're like like you feel like your throat kind of tighten up you know and that was Yeah. I was like, a fucking dunk contest?

42:03 Like it's not at one of the attachment points. No, I was doing 255 sets of 12. and I jumped in my office in jeans and a t-shirt They just give out. It just gave out, and I don't hurt. It didn't hurt at all. Yeah. It didn't hurt at all. They just give out. Yeah. moved but some people would say that you didn't. Oh yeah, right there, yeah. and as soon as I got to that hospital,

44:17 I just knew instinctively. I remember everyone's name. through. They're like, how much pain are you? And I'm like, all of it. What are you talking about? I mean, it was hard. Is he he him? Sorry, Lindsey. because Christina was beside herself, so overwhelmed. that I'm always like, you know, I'm a role solo. His hair was so long that when he And it'll suck for a bit to wait and everything,

48:27 Wow. Yeah, that was so much pain. I ended up getting like one of the best trauma surgeons. Wow. I mean. Bro, that is a crazy scar. And I still have, like, radial nerve damage, you know? When did this, when did it become better? Yeah, I can grab things. And then he gave me permission to go up, so I did 20 if i did rows i can do like 25 30 but it's the all everything

51:38 Yeah, yeah. I was like, whoa, on my right side. straightened it out but he straightened it out like up so it just popped and it just completely had a pretty good feeling i went to shout out to dr gettleman and uh he uh looked at it and he goes And then your body re-proliferates. those tendons the blood flow and everything starts getting and it takes a long time it took about

54:11 But the thing was like my active rehab, I went into rehabilitation right away Yeah. So that's what I did once I got. Because what I had is a cadaver Achilles tendon. Yeah, but this one has had nothing since then, no problem at all. you bend it like minimally to start. the dunking full game to 11 you know and we you know i was running around and shooting jumping

56:53 like a year before it's a what you were used to before the arm it's like they go they've seen i'm like you know i'm eating really clean i'm i you look good or saying when as soon as i saw you We were at three days a week. But the leg is pretty much, just get it stronger now. Isn't that crazy? Like, really tender. Yeah, I do a lot of elliptical. and you'll just feel like a weird shooting pain, you know?

59:49 Yeah. Yeah, that's true. That the actual tube that we surgically put somewhere else reattaches itself to where it was. People in this motherfucker. Lex Friedman had it on his Instagram page. They don't have eyes, but they figure it out. I like it a lot. It's not like you can't learn that quick. so you just had to double the person up yep i was like you do grown-ups too and she was like yeah

1:02:13 Wow. I'm in awe of people that can do that. but I just don't have the time. I can so bored. Like, there's so many things I wish I could do. Yeah. Yeah, it's fun, man. I got to practice. Oh my God, I know. True. moments there and he captures it bop bing ah yeah you know it's like he's got that I was like, so you do feel crazy right now. The entire flight, I was having a panic attack.

1:05:11 get them I was like oh that's his tolerance and he was like no I had three That was to Australia. Yeah, I go, don't take both of them at once. Some people are built different. out man like I've been like I'm gonna do 50 tonight I'm like like freaking out in Like sometimes like super stoned. So we would be there for like 10 hours for three or four people.

1:07:24 Inconsistent. You could feel it. And the BART goes under the fucking ocean, and I don't realize that. that I was looking at a two-dimensional cutout, And then we're under the water, and I don't know we're under the water. And I'm like, this is a place where there's earthquakes yeah like you 12. They said that contrary to popular belief, suicides are actually down.

1:10:08 who lives in Vegas. What is this? The Insider. The rate of U.S. suicides dropped lower. Yeah. I'm like, how is that? What is this? Well, not only that, it's like maybe there's... Can you pull that article back up so but experts believe that the early days of COVID-19 Yeah, yeah. it's like when someone hangs himself that's me like you know the kid I went

1:12:16 Yeah. who was like, man, this and for the 49ers, he killed like five people yesterday I think there's two different He's great, I mean he's great. they're fucked. You know, I was reading about this one guy who fought in the UFC in the early 2000s He doesn't know where he's going. And then a guy played three seasons whose car key's not knowing where he's going.

1:14:57 in particular it seems to happen, sport of football it's like it's so violent it's the most it's more violent that's how you make a month that's how you make a living and they give them like a 58 million dollar He's got a big fight coming up soon against Yeah, I think he's New Zealand. Why did I want to say New Zealand then? Okay. He's at the top of

1:17:52 Wow. And he got taken down and smashed on the ground. so much going on in terms of positioning. You're like, you can't jump in at 30 and start having that same type of awareness. Yeah, the wrestling. That's what takes it to the other level. New way to fuck people up sure you know on an unconscious person. champion in his corner is saying stay calm calm calm patience patience patience and so that was

1:21:42 He was like, calm Francis is fucking scary. Yeah, I don't understand it. Well, he is. Yeah Rashad Evans. And also Chuck, for most of his early career, was so tough that he would literally invite guys to punch him. i remember uh going to one fight one time where there was it was cowboy verse he took the fight late like he was a fill-in he did a bunch of those yeah but whoever he was fighting who was a

1:24:14 Oh, big country. Yeah, Big Country, he could take a shot like no one else. from jujitsu. Because he has power, crazy power. Like Derek Lewis, he's another one of those guys. But the UFC's going to have to pony up that cheddar. I really do believe that. And this is, you know, we're also dealing with Jon Jones, who is, what is Jon? He'll turn 34 in July.

1:27:04 That's the fight. That's the fight. That's the fight. But Derek Lewis is a big fight too. Yeah. That would be awesome, man. That's the fight. I just think it's the biggest fight in the history of the sport. Had some close fights. he literally didn't train for. He's fighting for the light heavyweight title right Shogun is one of the legends of the sport

1:28:31 And then finished him. Anderson Silva, when he was in his prime, was a good argument for the GOAT. but there weren't like rounds where he's getting his ass kicked right there was never a round where He finished everybody. they had they had a video footage of the street like when when he beat Connor Yeah. So he's the only other guy is Horace Gracie.

1:31:04 of all time. I mean, you see it in all sports. And I don't go, no, you're wrong. He broke his leg in the second Weidman fight. It's universally understood. You want to punch me and see who can last? and he's not a boxer, and I don't know if i mean how many of They're all great at it. That's like borrowing, honestly, from the pro wrestling world. you know the money team and well that's part of his thing is like getting people mad at

1:34:50 Yeah None. Kind of crazy. No problems at all. You're going to get fucked up. I mean, it was actually, I can't say it was just enough to let me know that I don't want to do it again. You know? It was Louie. Yeah, yeah. I could also see him almost enjoying a bad- He told me he would train for a special, Standard fucking up your body shit. Is there a video footage of him as far I'm

1:38:02 that some guy put a spongebob square pants costume on to beat him up I don't have a fucking clue how to drive, you know. Yeah. They can drive. They can drive. Yeah, but it is, it's skilled. It's a weird brag. But isn't that one, like the basketball is a macho thing? on their local public park What's that clip of So he was NBA and kind of joked about, right?

1:41:27 And they're going to play for their shoes. Like, the kid can't stop him. 11-0. Who was it? rookie and mike showed up like what what cory benjamin cory benjamin the best one that I heard recently have you heard and yeah it's in Chicago Like, you know, he ain't shit. Stop saying shit, man. any better man don't do it they're just like And humiliate you.

1:44:20 Just a really good athlete. Not at all. Everything. That was his thrill. But he would play pool in like this super slick tailored suit. You just love a good shit talker. Just wouldn't talk to you. See, he's dressed normal in that one, or dressed more casual. How does he dress? Because everyone's like, wait, don't you have money? That is odd. That's a chain.

1:47:47 That might be on the shirt. Look at those pants. That's wild. His Air Jordan Royalties, like this is a guy, so the shoe industry for basketball players He's number one by a mile, okay? Just in sneaker sales. yeah i mean what else i don't know like what else do you do yeah he's not wouldn't you get bored He does, and I heard that what he'll do is, of different amounts, and apparently he is quick to collect like when the round is over he's

1:50:48 like I'm gonna go play baseball it doesn't add up you know because there Just that alone is wild. I mean, in that doc they show you, gotten to a real You still needed to work out I don't know why. So supportive of one of their own. Yeah, and there's so many different places, It's like that feeds into the American scene, right? it never caught on. They don't give a fuck about baseball.

1:54:10 When did baseball become popular in Japan? and quite a few American players that are really good. Have you watched, man, that Netflix docuseries F1, Drive to Survive? But it's brilliant the way they do it. and you feel like so invested. you'll just rip through a season. something that is just taking place Can we just- And these guys, but going back to like the skill of driving, Jesus Christ, man.

1:57:35 No. Hey, watch this. You know, it's like. Listen to that sound. Yeah. RPMs. Might be the best fucking sound you can hear. I don't trust their work. Oh, those are aftermarket exhausts. Tunnels are always good. That sound. Such a classic. I want to see what that SF90 Stradale is like. like you just yes you do hanging it there fuck you yeah it's, it's like, fuck, I have a red Ferrari, bitch.

2:00:36 they look straight fucking ahead. More than that. Is that a 2021? Amazing. oh, I drive this around. I make a lot of money. oh, I could pull up to a fucking store, What are you doing, bitch? like they're yeah that feels like they're uh they're daily driver that's the front engine v12 It's gorgeous, yeah. People say a lot I don't want my people making your car.

2:03:35 Nobody gave a shit. They take people like Shark Works or what was the other company? D-E-M-O-N? 4.5 liter GT4 upgrade with 500 horsepower. It can't weigh much. See, they're on top there. Meet the shop building the 560 horsepower, 4.5 liter Cayman GT4 that Porsche wants. that people were like, oh, this thing handles insanely well. They held it back.

2:06:14 I'm like, yeah, I don't care. It was always stick only. like a man learn how to shift your own gears it's fun it's more fun to drive i learned late man how I would have some idea what I was doing. 600. Is it a bigger car, or is it the same size car? Yeah? and I missed it like right away. I was like, a go-kart you know but like in the best way super low to the ground really

2:09:14 Those are a thrill to drive. I drove the 4S, my dad got a 4S, that's what my tesla. That's really fucking fast. But it's because that marketing is too. They're calling themselves I don't honestly know. No? No. That's what they thought. It's a Pegasus software. Do you know what happened? How did his phone got hacked? Wasn't it like the girl's brother?

2:11:17 On WhatsApp. I bet he does now. You know? too I think it was telegraph I think it was Cubans um mark Cubans yeah yeah oh I Is that what it's called? because people are realizing that, like, Whereas Signal is just on your phone, and it goes to your phone and my phone, That's pretty cool. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, you kind of get the sense that, you know, you hear about things being leaked.

2:14:27 or the embassy in Turkey, right? And the documentary is intense. Icarus. Really? Like now we're good. Like, no, we're good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's, like, the forward thinker, but still ruthless. You have to play by those rules. Yeah. All his critics go away. You know, people die. Said some stupid shit. Did he change his tune? Who knows? there's not open internet or anything like that over there.

2:18:04 Like, that's how many people live in China that there's cities that I'm like never that they'll go into a shopping center Yeah. Yeah, they shit like... Yeah. of them and a large urban style in the bushes. Chinese. still do occur in China. Are you worried about China taking over the world? I don't know. Really? Yeah. Where else could I live? and then also the lower population number.

2:22:55 That's what you ask yourself. Yeah. You just walk around and you go like, take whatever you want. Yeah. And as soon as something like the pandemic hits and you're the one who's deciding what should be closed or not closed There were marches to his house of like 30,000 people or something one time. everything which he did what did he do that's so horrendous and what they were mad at was what he

2:25:26 Like there's, Well, I mean. Yeah. It's also, there's no real solution, and it's never been navigated in our time. I just didn't get into it. That's where they found her. There was a bunch of murders there or something? and look, the Cecil Hotel. that can really trick you. people would come in, friends would be like, I want to go downtown. where the condos exploded in price.

2:28:18 It sounds sexy. show ridiculous show thank fucking knock on wood we never killed anybody on that show right i was Dude. No. I had to be. I think everybody vomited. Look how much it is. It's Ophelia. Always? And they're like, what? You know how you have a contraction? 12? This is a fucking disaster. How do you know? We just talked about it. We came on each other's faces. That's like, no, no, I shoot the bigger loads. No, he gave me the title. Did he? How do you know?

2:31:31 That's crazy. Bunch of cocksnot. but then canceled the show. Yeah. That is a series on Amazon Prime, It's the guy that made Gamora. and incredible set pieces and action sequences. Give me some volume. some of it's in shipping freight Zero, zero, zero on Netflix. month before and then I think you know with everything happening it kind of got there's these other extreme platforms

2:35:23 I really liked the first two seasons and then I think it kind of like, I lost it, whatever just kind of fell out of it i watched one episode i'm like check please oh man it gets i don't need There's so many series. There's another one called the expanse that I started watching recently on Amazon Really? obviously you can ultimately say that she did but the way yeah and the way that it was happening i

2:38:02 I haven't seen it yet, but it's one of the top movies on iTunes. It's really good. and like they're like their children or their parents It's so on. What is it called? The new Guy Ritchie movie. so he could kill everyone. And then he writes like aggressive, funny dialogue well. Henzo Gracie black belt Wow yeah there's like levels of black belts like not that

2:41:33 an announcement. Eddie Bravo made an announcement, gave me my black belt. Wow. Yeah. Same thing with Yeah. It's controversial as a martial art. and it really does for me to like just Yeah, he didn't believe in it. You should fight men. It was the only thing in my whole life up until that moment where I didn't feel like a loser. And that's the thing about, especially, I mean, I can't speak for a young lady, but as a young man, I feel like that's something that every young man really strives for.

2:44:15 Full head of hair, looking good, thick. It's a cool thing to say, but also like it makes you feel like I'm part of, like I have an identity. And then all of a sudden, like, you know, I was a black belt. a I was teaching at Nautilus Plus in Revere Massachusetts it was a gym and What? And he goes, you know, I'm a boxing coach. Yeah. getting brain damage sparring a lot I was sparring a lot yeah and I was

2:47:34 and my head was just throbbing, Like I couldn't take Taekwondo seriously anymore as a competitor because I knew how easy it was for these guys to corner me. and fighting in Thailand and coming home with these gnarly scars, man, because they were getting cut because all the stuff that I did back then, I still do. I had no confidence at all that it was going to be okay.

2:50:03 I got dropped with a left hook. It was kind of a shitty thing to say, but I realized he was right. and you haven't really gotten any better that stuck with you But I knew. I had a teaching job at BU. I have to stop doing everything with it. Right. think my rate was like 1500 a week plus overtime really yeah man for like for and and we just and then uh so i quit and then i called my manager and i was like yeah i'm uh

2:53:41 A year before. Yeah, that's when we were doing the tour. narrower because you can make it as a thing about a fighter is it is narrower you know why because and if you're like somebody who is just minced meat And when you start talking to someone, you're like, fuck. Yeah. And, you know, a lot of these guys are, like, severely depressed, too, because if you're

2:57:30 And over and over and over again, And with Andrew Marr, You get rattled. Mm-hmm. I did a podcast with a guy who played in the NFL who I played against in high school. beat them but he would always have like the craziest game we're like fuck this guy's an because you're just built like a gorilla. And also, I'm going to make a crazy living at 22, I'm 41 and I'm like, oh yeah.

3:00:35 Rob Lowe, people that grew up famous. imagine what it's like Demi was fucking hilarious, man. She called herself a cunt. I realize, whatever, that's not. Their ego is out of control. fame are too it's too much they have some of those people maybe all of those people just they don't with, like, the wrong people, man. Yeah. It's fun, yeah. But there's a lot of guys that don't do that.

3:03:47 Yeah. I wanted people to bomb and then I was just embarrassed with myself that I wanted people to bomb. I wanted it all for me. the higher level of gyms or schools always produce the higher level of competitors consistently hard someone can hit and what's dangerous and what's not and some guys with Diaz yes nobody wanted to work with Diaz like when when Diaz before Diaz

3:06:29 That lesson still holds true in all comedy. Because you want to be. You're loose but you're focused. but you don't want to be, you know. That's a great way to describe it. and then I've done four this week, and I'm dialed in. Like if you're going to run marathons, you got to run all the fucking time to be able And I did Phoenix and then Omaha. Yeah.

3:09:12 Yeah. didn't do in in specials Some of it's brand new stuff translated like you go to Australia Like they so appreciate that you're doing it for them in Spanish. opening the show Christina Sanchez English and Spanish special You know who's fucking super, like, speaking of this kind of thing is Eddie Izzard. Yeah She She was running I didn't even understand that somebody could do that.

3:12:09 I think you just say Eddie's brain. Nice. yeah that's it so Oh 26 day 26 marathon this now oh this is 10 weeks ago this is I guess so. I don't give a shit. Yeah. He was like, I think I overshot. That was his biggest. Really? Yeah. Peak male physique, man. And I go, it's an alfajor. brain just switches you see it what drives me crazy he's on high blood

3:15:40 And I go, you said that like it's cool. 10 years? Is he alive? How about 10 hours of shitting blood? I had beet juice one time, and I was like, I have stomach cancer. Yeah, and they just feel something weird. And I'm sure it's like a denial avoidance thing. Like if I don't go, I won't know that anything's bad. Yeah and they just, they feel something weird.

3:17:17 Is this Lindsay? then I asked him what's it like when you do shit? Oh, my God. It must be madness. Wasn't Ari like that? I was at Cap City working with you. And he was like, I go, please don't tell him. And I was like, this, I mean, this is some shit It was not good. Dude. One of the videos that they- and it was sticking out of their asshole, many guys die from fisting Google that let's

3:20:47 Yeah. We should probably know. I'm gonna guess But see, the thing is reported. Yeah. Stop being scared to your Google. How about fisting deaths 2020? We'll start out with a real high bid. Blind bitch. like medical journal actually wrote the whole report about how it happened Yeah. And he was like, this is so notable, the size. side cyst in the cooch when you're 80 years old.

3:24:51 What's happening? What caused it? And some of those like cysts, you're like, what? wrecking ball yeah like one giant ball of whatever the fuck it is yeah hanging between your legs You have to put it on some sort of a wheelie thing. Yeah. You know the baby on the fountain cherub. Yeah, the water is a constant stream. Yeah. Yeah about this guy this guy

3:27:26 This poor bastard. You shaved his head? You got a choice. So in other words, it looks like an elephant trunk. and give you like, you know, quote, a normal penis. You notice? Yeah, but look, he was removed for free but was still not happy. With his dick? You'll see, and the doctor was like, Right. That's him. He accused of exaggerating as scan shows it's actually only six inches long.

3:30:03 Go back up. See? How come it doesn't say that, that it's a growth? But that thing doesn't get hard or anything, man. Let me see that again. In Latin culture, whoever has the biggest penis is more macho. He keeps his colossal member wrapped in bandages to escape chafing. He's also unable to sleep chest So where does it say that it's a growth? It says I would like to be a porn star.

3:32:32 So he wants to go to the U.S. and spend the rest of his life over there with his giant dick. That's what the scan revealed. He's 54 now and when he was a teenager You don't have to do that. But I've seen these little things where they strap things to your dick to stretch it out yeah and you can put weights Not well. We just did number five. Like I want her to be a bigger tits and da da da.

3:35:16 And she went on like a date with him. Who's that? And I think he wasn't, like, maybe he was 18 or something. Okay. And then we eventually got to the heavy segment, And one of the earlier ones, my parents zoomed in and my mom was trashed. it cost me a lot of money where she sees me to share this video And I was like, oh, here we go. And then it was like, I mean, it's very Latin mom.

3:38:04 My whole life nine point two second part and this is really incredible and how much do you think it wound up costing you Like, they were like, let's get basically a fundraiser. and they said the theme we saw the most in that That was their kink for it. Like girls to fart in their face and stuff. I can't do shit. What's it called? and just drop a stinky shit right on the table.

3:41:28 It's a weird move. and he went to her bathroom, Are you worried that you're gonna run out of videos? But, yeah, it is – people are like – what happens is the people who are getting these YMH Lives, they go like, let's see what you got on the heavy segment. All right. And I will have them find the heaviest. Thanks for being here, brother. Yeah, and dude-

3:43:41 It's fucking exciting, man. Bye, everybody.