Joe Rogan Experience #1654 — Whitney Cummings Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. We live in Texas. Is that weird? He built those. I was bragging about them all the time. And then we got to the grade where you actually had to order the fucking calculators. Remember it was like one through 10 Drug Wars? How do you play Drug Wars? I was like, I am never going with something without a button. That shit was nasty.

2:11 It was just like you had a pager and you You could type a message. Right. divided America back in the day. every time someone paged you, you were going to go save a life in the ER. I have and it used to be on the farthest page and then I fucking moved it like an addict and I'm It changes your life because then you're only text messaging people and sending phone calls.

4:37 Like this is like a very important statement by Whitney Cummings. It's like like every day. I say something stupid Like we're supposed to be explorers. you would never hear anywhere else. They all like bad ones and good ones. Most people do. And also, you know, it is it does get tricky when you know people think that you know Nobody skates. I'm on this fucking tightrope.

7:26 is when you're sort of like, And he would open with shit. ooh, You're supposed to be like spooked and scared and challenged. off you go to comedians twitter to get mad and it and it is you know i feel like we talk about this When you see all your comments, people agreeing with you. Yeah, totally. And they were like, get over here, bitch. And it was just funny.

9:35 Recently. And you have everyone You don't have to defend the hair No one told me when I started podcasts, I was going to have to fucking brush my hair. Nah, if you wear a beanie with colored hair, it's everyone's like calling and being like, Maybe a straw hat like Huckleberry Finn. They'd be 100 bucks at Smith & Wesson or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. You should spend a thousand bucks on a hat with a match in it.

11:45 times as much money for something that's vintage that should be three times cheaper because it's that it would be easy to do comedy in front of your friends. And when you guys did that, I was like, look at Whitney, that little junkie. It's how we make sense of things. I fucking love that dude. He is a with a mask on and everyone's tested. Now California is saying no.

14:08 What is this? Okay. from the Moderna. I lost the smell, ass. No, you're not a dumb ass. Please tell me. I was supposed to do the Johnson & Johnson. if you say you're vaccinated it alleviates so much concerns people like oh you're on the good Yeah. It sounds like people that need your care. He would adjust. And I'm certainly guilty of that a lot. go, no, that doesn't make sense.

18:26 but this is also what's good about it you're like, that's a good target That's right. even think that it was a nice thing to do. I'm always like, oh, you know, let me let me help out on that. And they're like, Joe handled it. As someone that self identifies that struggles with, you know, I've been in 12 brains out you know to have any kind of momentum and the amount of i mean all these comics that

21:33 And I was just, I'm trying to, not only is it like fun for me, but just calling people up on stage and fucking hugging them and going, we can't be scared of each other anymore. they say we're never going to like Fauci said we're never going to go back to shaking hands. Right. That's right. Exactly right. is we have a real chance to consciously recognize

23:06 I want to say like, Because I saw the clips, and what happened? What the fuck happened? And we just Hard kombuchas? My God. You're like, oh, fuck. But that was where it was with me. I remember I was watching a documentary Of course, I should really think of it as consideration of different things I have to do before I go on stage. We can't spend any energy on anything except this.

25:55 You don't want to be nervous. And hard but you do keep doing it because it's so hard to do. when you're doing an hour here. or family before the show. before a show at the houston improv or the addison improv right right it gets in the way i try to I'm thinking of that opening scene. John Waters movie. She was in Blade. and she picks him up and he's like, wow,

28:20 We could talk. So there's this hanging meat. Yep. But he wants to fuck. This is how stupid men are. fuck you haven't seen this no give him give it a little juice so all the sudden people are being mean to him good leave it right there so watch this so people are being mean to him As it comes spraying down on these people. I just spray it all over my face.

30:27 And he's freaking out. Okay, so, okay. Boom. Uh-oh. He's a vampire that doesn't pay taxes. It has to be wood to kill them, right? I was trying to find you. What's it called? But it's crazy. There is, yeah, there's something fucking hot about blood, He wanted her to become a vampire with him. I have nothing to fucking do. Southwest with chickens. Imagine thinking like that about women.

34:08 Like your baby needs to be protected even though you don't have one. Oh, that's interesting. Did you? It's pretty dope, right? Yes. But it's not mine. And it's a really nice one. His does too. Everything's fine. And you don't feel like an asshole. So they make them shitty. We're doing a show tonight, Creek in the Cave between shows. I think I was going to do South.

37:24 They offered me free tickets to see other people work for free. Madoff? Didn't his son kill himself? return for so many years and so many people were coming to him that he constantly had this money See, he's got energy. like a Tesla. To these people but if they ask for money's fucked and that's what happened in 2008 and maybe because it's like he's a psychopath or sociopath

39:44 Did he rip off Steven Spielberg? Because he doesn't think he's robbing him. They think that they should have gotten extra money. I think they're like, this is what I deserve. we justify because it's not one person it's sort of a collective and there's a diffusion Give me that fucking cigarette. like shoplifting stealing, I've never, No! But yeah, how old were you?

43:20 And it gets higher every year. of the human brain. school to hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt in this period of 10 to Because machines took over. Oh, my God. Sachs or whatever. Crazy. with matches coming out of it. With matches, I'd be Boulevard, but they're like, fuck Texas. in Clearwater. I like their governor. How about that? I said it.

46:31 He identifies as a male. I'm like, okay. We don't care if you're hot and you're nice. Yeah. Rhonda. Rhonda is hot. Harry. Harry does not work. Harry is a man's name. Right. Right. That does not work. For is Ron. My friend Ron. My friend Ronald. You are a... Harry. It's not much difference between hair. That's a boy named Sue. That's what Johnny Cash's Naming a baby Harry as a girl would be so funny. That's evil.

47:55 Call one of them already? my that might be the only excuse to never hyphenate instead of like, last name is Barnes Yeah, Texas. Live from Texas. It's like a secret. No, no, no. Something satin. That's sexy talk for me. in 45 minutes after you No, you've just got to look at it and know the quality. is that you can choose to be sexy and vulnerable Nope.

51:28 There's a little weirdness going on. Jamie, back me up here. Get me Hard to look at. He made me run faster. But you know how like when someone shoots a gun, a lot of people that try to commit I don't think he had a Twitter. I thought they had nets now. It's an issue because it's like for some people it's the abyss, right? would recoil and run to the other side of the cage it was an inherited fear yeah and um you know

55:05 But if I can navigate it, wouldn't that make me less terrified of things? But you're going to keep going. Yeah, whatever it is. I used to get social anxiety. are speaking in front of people, that means you were making your case to the tribe. No, And I feel anxious when things are going smoothly because I'm always waiting for the other shoe but you're in real trouble

57:19 the person that talks and also it's not only are you coming to watch me talk you're paying yes to watch me talk and if you I got an angry text from Whitney about bears. But when you have Texas and West Virginia, you're ready to fight anyone at any time. Used to do the gallbladders take them, you know, like the gallbladder some medicine and which is trying to say it's like rescuing them,

59:21 Are you calling these people out publicly it's usually accompanied by human trafficking. It's all the same people. So when you see a lion You know what's weird? making they're making mcnuggets and they're delicious put some honey on that shit you know You know, If you're seeing a chimpanzee, a lion, tiger, or bear in a cage, Oh, they put them in cages like this so that they don't grow any muscle.

1:02:29 of them i mean a lot of them are sold for experiments oh the elephants are kind of spread I had the life. And then they inject them with, you know, I mean, there's one university, which I'm not going to say right now because I'm like getting all my fucking ducks in a row. We hung around with elephants and you fed them You weigh as much as one of those

1:04:20 Sheldrick Trust does a great job too. And when you have this, they did it very smartly. This is the elephant that you're going to have a relationship with, Because I always love to promote the good places. these animals and reintroduce them to the wild I want to be your friend. which is most of them give the good ones a bad name, going to this amazing sanctuary because anyone can put sanctuary in the front of their fucking thing

1:06:55 A shelf trinket. like, let's focus on changing a law instead of trying to get every fucking elephant out of every zoo. And they're choosing to do it. Are they the smartest animal after chimpanzee? But they remember their loved ones, They're the closest we have to fucking dinosaurs. It's snuffleupagus. Like, the relationship they have with people is very different.

1:09:25 the tranquilizer tick because when everyone's like, I'm holding a bear cub, I'm holding a about six months and they just send them off to either get killed or to get can hunting and the lion sees a person the lion doesn't go very far I don't think they think that way. I don't think they do that on those farms. Have you seen um uh louis theroux his documentary i love him too

1:11:18 And this guy was talking about why he did it. was a mother from Kenya that wrote an op-ed about why we don't cry for lions. not a general threat to us. come up, I'm like, coyotes are so cool and I honor It doesn't. it's like, you're going to have to rewire the way their brain is developed, they're watching it on animals first. If you've been injecting it with morphine since it was a baby and you put it in a cage and electrocute it all the time,

1:14:28 100%. You're like, oh, my God, you're like a week away from being able to kill me. Even a savannah cat. are fucking monsters they're little murderers elephant it's not really doesn't visits, but we could fucking go. Yeah, they get dogs from animal shelters and just throw them out. If you said, yes, they release goats, I'd be like, well, fuck those goats.

1:16:02 A new place to walk. Well, listen, it's all nonsense. documentary Grizzly Man yeah you know i love it Let's hear it. that's his magnum opus. no, It was still hungry. So if it's that cold out and they haven't gone into hibernation yet, It was my favorite part of the movie, other than when the sheriff called him retarded. You had that little fox buddy. He made friends with a fox. I love foxes. It was my favorite part of the movie

1:18:59 at a time? Well, at the end of this guy's life Oh, is this the thing? That's Don Barris doing his set. So it starts attacking males because it's jealous that happens with giraffes with a lot of animals. Even if they're not sexually viable anymore, they have to remove who talked about it with us, he You have to kill this rhino. So he was explaining this like, this is really complicated shit and he paid i think it

1:21:08 and he's killing the other rhinos. So this is Corey Knowlton. I should state really clearly, going, there's still ivory. Do you know that on the what the fuck? Whitney, that was all pianos. neighbors were paid to fuck with him and sue him and really poison animals it's The one that runs the, I didn't know that. What? His name is Bogvon Antle. Oh, that's, he's a part of the Osho cult? Oh, dude. I didn't know that.

1:23:19 Is that Amy Schumer? And that's... She's really nice. Purest person. Okay. Why didn't Lorne Michaels apologize for that? Yeah. like a lot of, Al Jolson was like the most famous of the guys who were minstrel singers who dressed Imagine that this was like a style. This is actually an important part of our culture. Pretty good. Doesn't feel like the first time he'd done it.

1:25:47 Oh, my God. Jimmy Fallon should play Al Jolson. create a digital blackface and That's what this is going to be. So all these actors They read their lines. The digital Al Jolson. What happened to the 3D- It was like Tupac. He was a good looking guy, but I mean, this is a dedicated person you're an image of. simone and you and you fucked up you do look at it and you're kind of like oh that was a wild like

1:28:15 and he's playing Nina Simone. a giant boom box. He brings with him one of those JBL giant, it's called a boom box. So it's crystal clear sound, about how amazing it is. and she was on stage and she would like have like a premise and she wouldn't follow through So good, so good. get in pain do you have a power or it's fights or John Wick By the way, I'm all for that movie

1:31:06 Beagle's the most tested on animals in labs because they're the most forgiving. Whether it's a beagle or it looks like a beagle, whatever it is, it's a cute little dog. But the more primitive someone is, the more emotional You're about to pass on. There's no nets. All right. Oh, she didn't know what she was doing, unfortunately. I saw you were ready.

1:32:58 house now. not even smart, but I do know some it has to do with inflammation. That's the thing with And one of the best things for inflammation is a sauna because your body makes these heat shock proteins. you guys don't have to wonder I don't think you have to once at the Brea Improv and I was waiting to go on stage And I've always been a giant Joan Rivers fan in terms of her stand-up.

1:34:56 Dude, you're a comic. She laughed. I'm laughing. And that was a big part of who she is. year is that man 50s does it say remember she was like she had a fucking talk show oh yeah after she I don't think people truly understand that there's such a scarcity complex in everyone. Well, I think more do it now than ever before because of the Internet. Four networks and like three slots on TGIF Friday.

1:38:29 It was scared the shit out of me Right. and pay for dinner. They're like, were a little charming-er, the producers got the fact that you have taken off. That's right. We're in love, frankly. These people, these clubs haven't gotten income. I heard it's great. Dude. See, I'm before you. 6'5 the point is there's something I was in town. Yeah, it was a bit.

1:42:49 But the fucking balls to go in that direction interesting definitely sometimes about being funny but i think it's like music watched speaking gary goldman i watched his last hour he was working out before the pandemic, and he did like 20 minutes on how mangoes have a low yield of fruit. like I remember like was the werewolves one was it how was the name of that one

1:44:53 Because we started in bars and bowling alleys It's probably listening to this by the way the tinfoil hat people think that i'm a satanist because i went to duncan trussell performing his uh his special his little his It was his grandpa's ventriloquist dummy who killed his grandpa. I'm just going straight fucking gossip a friend of mine worked video and they took these

1:47:07 I started doing it a little bit. Real quick about Joan Rivers. Yes. They're sticking these chicken cutlets in her buttocks. They actually do this with operations. and injects it in your butt. Sorry. She had developed necrosis on her ass because someone had did some sort of like fucking Without pharmacological intervention, there's a limit. can I tell you,

1:49:58 every now and then not athletic. Giant Kegels? That's not how you develop your ass. But I like things where I have to hold heavy weights independently. Oh, no. the new ones but oh the new one yeah because they were just getting filler in their butt I wouldn't Why don't you just get a fucking Batman mask Fertility. save lives. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

1:53:06 He cheated with waitresses and bottle girls. I want you to have a good time. Some people it works and some people it doesn't. My ex is crazy. Well, you got to be careful with that because there's a lot of guys that like, for whatever and just becoming responsible and being a father and all that stuff it just just, it shifts the way you perceive the world.

1:55:20 You don't even know what you're doing. You know vult, or people that are And I'm like, that were abused. it's just, like in the future when they look back on this era, It's enough. Come give me a hug. The toxoplasmosis. of you, whether it's an orangutan or whatever it is. It wasn't a perfect life. Yeah. where you're taught chess when you're fucking 10.

1:59:18 and that's a real thing, I guess, that some people make more than other people. having a good time with your friends? any of those people go through, I have I love you tattooed on my forearm Yes, you do. I love you. vaccine Chelsea Hamler got? You can't see all of a sudden? I see something on my phone. Do you not see that? Did you get the same vaccine Chelsea you can't see all the stuff you saw my my do you not see that?

2:01:11 And see, I have another white one right here. Do you not see that? He's a bodybuilder. They put that dye on to look dark, but they don't do their face. Oh. but not African American black. Isn't the whole thing about symmetry hand. You can't The guy with the design. That's kind of dope. That's appropriation. It's different. If I'm on birth control, but not if I'm not.

2:03:15 You can get a pharaoh on your stomach. You guys jacked. Right? I don't know. Good point. He has all Angelina Jolie's tattoos. dude he's always been a sweetheart of a guy i always try to tell him to stop because like he's is the most brave bitch It was a prank. Yeah, well, you can't be with someone who wants to be an accountant like you. Yeah, there's more than one guy grabbing your tits.

2:06:08 which is introduced to me I feel like it's cheating fucking showing up Yeah, the tits out. Yeah. to me it's like I've heard it's amazing he did gigs out there And white supremacists. Woo! Those separatist guys, we need to hunt them down and give them ecstasy and hug them all. Was it really? Can you really kill someone by pushing their nose into their brain?

2:08:16 So this got pulled. Was it Blumhouse? There's so many people that are so angry. He was learning what the fuck? Like, I think Ben Shapiro is, like, funding movies. Hey, Jamie, stop following Tim Dillon. Is that him? Are you sure that's not a nicotine patch? She thinks there's a microchip in there. we're like a fucked up married couple. if you talk to them,

2:11:18 Remember that movie, Dave, with Kevin Kline, where the president got sick and they had The double was making out with Donald, and everybody's like, Melania hates him. I got a whole bit on it. So this is not me. Right. It's like she showed up at my house. That lady's not you. I don't know. You're blowing up April Tillman? I'm sorry, April. And you look exactly the same age, too.

2:13:19 I had her come out for me in Spokane. When I did Chicago, I did Chicago theater. He's like, hey, what's up? They have decided something Yeah. What does he say? Stop drinking whiskey during the day? i'm gonna embarrass myself before i'm gonna make fun of myself before you can fucking do it. of your position in the social circle. Was that what it was called?

2:16:05 because there was a moment where there was the perfect into this pandemic that was scary. they didn't really care. And we were on our phones all day so we watched the whole video nine fucking minutes Like I think about that. They don't use good technique and they can't like see the whole picture. watch because they see things. do a little bit of anxiety is

2:18:57 I go to parties and I feel anxious. your anxiety is just trying to tell you There's a lot of love and family there. But also maybe you didn't have the right conversations. We're all okay. There's this thing that's happening in this place where you can't get in. So you think somehow or another you're not being respected. For the first three minutes, I just have to ease them into.

2:21:26 I want to spar with good brown belts. They can't even handle it anymore. Just like my music. and she's like that's the song fucking responsibility so many women i know are like that person fucked me over and i just loved The best. That sucks. Get that Sandy lady to let you live in her house. Push that fucking microphone forward I get really like Why would you be worried about being shrill to men?

2:24:30 He made me a birthday cake and said, happy birthday, faggot. God damn it, Ari. Because I remember when I first started getting original room spots, I started getting like the nine o'clock spot where you're opening and, you know, Mitzi's may or may not be. now. He was Cash Me If You Can and now bank account. I don't think I even... I probably had I can't wear a purse

2:26:19 Because for me, I never, I never wanted to fuck up that dynamic in the hallway. And I was like, I don't want to fuck this up by blowing Santino. he was one of the first people that brought me on the road you because you had left the comedy store. I mean, the Showtime documentary kind of documented that, to see if you were going to get on and then you you get three minutes. And, you know, so I was a part of that whole open mic crowd.

2:28:53 And, you know, and I was already like had some TV credits, which at that time people would like hate, you know, that you're coming in. Maybe. I think so. Like, wouldn't shake hands or bump fists or anything. That's fucking fascinating. And Dov used to be like, Dove Davidoff was like, I'm like, I found a family. an actual dollhouse I was like, hey, buddy.

2:31:28 Did he die? Because I do think comedians, Because, yeah, he always dressed like Jesus. Right. Where did he sleep? I have a couple giraffes to save down the street. This is how I'm going to get your attention for it. This is not legal, Let's bring it all back. Chickens aren't as intelligent. they still live. a chicken a mouse? Why do you keep trying to make me do this?

2:34:46 You know what this is? You've committed to talking I don't think that's real. No, I can't watch this. Chickens? porn hub algorithm. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So watch this. I have to know. It's like, bitch, you don't know what the fuck you're doing. You know why? Well, chickens, I don't think, have enough memory to remember that you're who fed them. That was a real issue.

2:37:06 I think all animals have to kind of test each other. It's a pecking order. And to me, people are like, isn't the comedy store sexist? and she thought it was. meritocracy than a tiny female Don't unfollow him. Like, that's fucking surprising. Right. should have said that I'm like yeah probably yeah you're right I don't know And Tim Dillon says, why don't you focus more on your family who killed your mother?

2:40:16 100%. It might take a while. of improvement right and we want to pretend that we're at level 10 when we're really at level 7 to the point to where they are going to, Joe, That, to me, is akin to people saying that you shouldn't have flat earth conspiracy because you're going to trick people into thinking the earth is flat, and they're going to be miseducated, and it's going to be a problem, and they're going to be stupid, and they're going to ruin everybody else.

2:42:31 key components of that and I bring those up and you don't make any account of those and only want So he was somewhat relieved that he didn't have COVID. of the tribe. And you're around a bunch of people you don't dissonance that has to happen and the disconnection I actually argue the opposite of we're more divided than ever. we interact with each other.

2:44:43 give me a hug, give me a hug. words together like give me a hug give me a Instagram, we're blaming YouTube. It's like gets killed you don't know him he's not my son that's not my brother that's not my friend you I fucking, we were friends and then I fucking cut them off because they did this thing or I don't know what that is. It's pretty flexible.

2:46:30 there's a lot there's a lot of flexibility to it i just know that uh and i want to get back to that okay that's like the real kind of you're trying to kill someone like pull out a like steven seagal me uh one time and he just he went right for the he did it like this instead of this and i was like the the point is it's like it doesn't end. If you keep going, it will come for you.

2:48:17 It's if you grew up with two parents. and to be angrier at him because of that is ridiculous and i know what happens when i'm But whatever. and I had a direct line to express myself and you have a bunch of people It's like the modern version of doing that, right? I saw it happen. Google me. No. these are not a sponsor no now you're no because I'm too embarrassed

2:51:58 even if they can't it's over it's over it's over there is the body language of when a comedian first walks up and No, no, no, no. Thank you. And it was so funny in the comics. Call him up. What the fuck? He would do the State of the Industry. Everybody that had a deal. industry it was so inside and it was a genius show i remember one time he closed with a joke

2:54:20 And I was like, if I just spoke, I don't know if I'm ever going to get these people from the Czech Republic to laugh. whatever it is they do there's something in all those things that's universal and that something is a person trying to do their best at whatever the craft is, whatever the thing is. doesn't bother me you know why because everyone I meet is nice everyone I meet

2:56:31 It's numbers, Whitney. you know, your voice, because you've earned the trust of people, you've earned, you know, people You're a family member to people. He touched someone's feet. that I don't have to my own fucking boyfriend. It's okay. You're providing medicine in both ways because you're either giving someone adrenaline and self-righteousness, even whether they're wrong or right.

2:58:51 I understand what you're saying, but I'm telling you it's okay. a mirror to other people's anger and it's just like easy it's just easy well it's also just like like I'd watch the same thing. but you're allowed people. If you want to do it the way I do it, here's what I do. I'm like, hmm, maybe. with me during the time that i was trying to have outdoor shows at my house during the pandemic

3:00:53 You're doing comedy in front of comics and friends. You've got Little Esther. and they're not doing shows. doing comedy at the moment so they might be in a bad place because of that interesting because i She's like, hey, let's go. i i get that but we tested people they'd be like well the tests don't work so it only works when that disagreed with you, you would tell them what you're doing. They would go, oh, I see what you're

3:03:18 and maybe their parents' bills, you can't come at me for that, So it creates this fucking feeding frenzy of chaos and takedown culture. Anybody that I know that knows you That the YouTube comments aren't like You just don't need fake chicken cutlets. He is like a fucking little chimpanzee with the hardest butt you've ever seen in your fucking life.

3:04:50 Okay, okay. He's in such wild But yeah, dating someone I have to pee so bad. Is that true? My water broke ages ago. I love you.