Joe Rogan Experience #1672 — Iliza Shlesinger Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day Yeah. Schlesinger. and then when they spell it, yes, there should be a C in it, Yeah. Oh, boy. But there's like you, Roseanne But I don't know if Roseanne did it Right. I feel like most people don't know that. jocular like we go Listen to me, Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan. Yeah, he's a sweetheart.

3:45 I'm like, you know, this isn't real candy. I had like half a drink. Oh, okay. They're like, let's set it up. the other thing about those things is like whenever they do try to set up those fake intimate things you people walking around no because they're not paying attention to you they're doing other stuff Exactly. Yeah. Experience, you know, I definitely don't want to work on a set. Uh, I wasn't on a set. I was in, it was the United

8:03 first day on stage doing stand-up it's totally wholly unrelatable but my second to last semester of college i did Frat guys and sorority girls because I went So when did I meet you? I know. Yeah, I was on your first episode. I couldn't believe you said yes. Yeah, you're the only comic that probably truly needs to utilize the back area They just won't leave you alone.

11:39 You get after it. Yeah. Well, you're very that. one like Joe Rogan's and it's like you can't you can't do one like Joe Rogan's because there already We do half the podcast drunk or stoned. and look, there's a place for it And it's okay to do both. and I'm like, you can hire a much more attractive girl you say something too crazy, or you say something that's going to piss people off,

15:15 People are like, wow, she came, she knew her lines. Yeah. I don't agree with you, but you're funny. People forget how to act. I've dumped a drink like with no thought of repercussion. i'm standing there he was he was ruining the whole him and his I think it was his sons we're all there to like do no harm right and so i'm shocked it doesn't happen more well those are

18:01 Yeah, it's exactly what it is. These are gentle souls. But the one time when the guy threw a drink at me, that was one of the two times. This was a long time ago. Most of the time you don't. Yeah. The whole neighborhood. the road and it was like five days of nothing oh boy so we had to go and buy all the things and now we Oh yeah. We're using it right now,

21:30 because that's what we put up with. You're like, well, it's LA. Connecting all of our houses, running across. Well, don't use Mylar. But like Texas, the whole grid almost went down during the winter freeze. fucking brown this is california yeah like if it were a sound it's that there's no moisture in the You got like two months of that a year and the rest of it's brown.

23:46 We have so many fucking tents in our city. Oh, yeah. and people were like, how dare you ridicule them? they don't have a solution and they keep throwing money on it, and it keeps getting worse. There's no incentive to fix the homelessness entirely. That's our idea. launched last year to convert motels and other properties into housing. Great. Who wants to live

26:30 think about fire plans and escapes and things like that and it's just you're like what about what i not be accommodating to the unhoused. Because my whole life has been about charity. people are just like moving out and trying to find people to buy their place and just trying to get and have your own opinion about it. fighting to make LA a better place.

28:33 Yeah. much money from can be done remotely you don't need to be in LA you're not a movie producer you don't want to be And I think a lot of people before they've made it think, I get back in, like the group that's like still in that fight and haven't gotten to that next level and then there's the people below that guess i could do it too you could live somewhere else because you're touring so much right right but if you're not at this level where you are

31:24 you could do austin and ashley you could get parts, but there's something to be said for like you could do it here. that are also doing stand-up I, there's always going to be actors who dabble and there's always going to be people who decide A podcast so gurus out here. I'm out here There's plenty of podcasts. I mean, that also comes down to like, it's cream rises to the top.

33:58 with all these different people that have successful podcasts theater right but they don't fill a club they probably first of all haven't been I disagree. You have to have both. But if you were massive in stand-up and you had a podcast and it wasn't as great, the And I just. It's always like, and now my breasts. What is she supposed to be? I've never seen it. Is she fucking hilarious. Where did you see it?

36:54 Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I called them They got all those dodge coin and they said well this is not the best i was gonna say that's cool that's cool that you Just wait until this ad plays. Next clip. but when girls dress like guys i it's not as funny to me it's always and this isn't about a drag we all do this voice, but like, at least that you present that way,

39:19 If you went out and you put on heels and a dress Someone's close-minded. And we talk about fashion and boys who wear the fashion but look bad. Crazy. They bus in. I don't want anyone to feel bad you made a movie about the story that you told on the podcast about a guy who pretended that he was But I think I was like that would be the perfect bookend to this story.

42:17 and my answer is you know there's red flags that we're taught to think about you know you're walking I'm like, where'd you go to school? I went to Yale just like my cousin did. you met this guy on a plane, he was sitting next to you? like I always, Seldom you're sitting next to someone around your age, you know, and here's a guy. And I was like, if you and your girlfriend ever want to come to a show, you know, you're

44:18 And you're like, I do all for protein. On it. It's not bad. I get that that's with numbers and money. Work at a hedge fund. My point was that if he just was himself. He was, you cannot fake intelligence. and whatever else society put on him. So that's a, it's not a shame because I really am into my husband No. How long did you date him for? twice in 15 years. So you're

47:44 so you're going out drinking. We're not doing that. I'm just not there yet. that was, look, that's, I would give him these outs. because of personality men it doesn't work joe you've never been like that girl It was around the holidays. remember at the time thinking like oh this is a guy that i really like and i if she's gonna die And you still have to tread lightly as a woman because people find fault no matter what you do.

51:56 It's like, no, no. the person who gave life to you you're lying and saying that she has cancer so that a girl will conversations about that the difference is men don't realize like all you got to do is go out You could just be good at like magic the gathering. But it's all about like, what kind of car do you drive? he told me he was in skull and bones oh christ and i

55:01 connected to all those uh well how do you gauge how successful someone is by their car because They will let almost anyone sign a lease to a car. You still have that fucking car? Do you change your oil at least? curb but i have a curb i how's your bumper so low it hits curbs it well i shouldn't have been going I don't care. Right. and yet you still drive that shitty fucking car.

57:28 Five speed in reverse. You don't have this desire? You can just get an electric car if you really want to help out. think, there are a lot of superficial things that I do Gotta. Can we cut this? I get it. I have a dog. Hers wasn't. the dog is not smart I just let her have whatever she wants You spend it on the people two things. I just think that car

1:00:45 They're awesome. Listen, one of my favorite cars I've ever had was of it. Do you really think that or do you just think it's an old car? Honda makes a great car. I don't care. They're awesome. Isn't that a sex cult? NXI. Sex Cult for the Stars. They were branding people, right? I think it's The One. I mean, there's a couple of them around. There's a documentary about a cult

1:02:24 Always. That's what he charged them, but he would fuck them. you have sex with her like if you're hating this you have to work through it racketeering, money laundering, work with like the federales in Mexico to like bring this guy back oh he went and gives guys therapy and fucks them versus someone like you know some midnight evangelist I'm just kidding.

1:05:09 Why don't feel bad? But at my point was like what why is it that some people? Yeah. by the way, you're You know, when it comes down to these cultss i think a lot of people don't come forward of people. All people are sociopaths? Turns out. tricking dudes. Yeah. He was But isn't it injustice that that guy fucked him? Because women are physically smaller than men for the most part although i could probably beat up that samurai

1:08:27 But it's not scary. It's just rude or gross or he's taking a shot. i'm like interesting so you don't know until you try he goes exactly so you'll like put feelers out scorned that's how you get a school shooter that's how you get murder that's how you get It's not even close. Cause people are fascinated that dainty flowers can get angry. The judge is like, okay, I can see that like i think it was in texas for a long time sure like if you caught your wife in bed with another man you're allowed to shoot the guy

1:11:17 Oh, that's a different thing. I think you can sue him because he's taken away some affection from criminal homicide holds The law also holds that such passion must be due to, in quotes, adequate cause. If the defendant proves the issue in the affirmative Right. The other one is a denial of affection. Maybe she loves Dick. It's like, how do you defend yourself? That's my next movie.

1:14:36 Snake-like reflexes. Because I forget when you were telling me this story. Did you get a plaque? the gates just open up and then you realize oh my god i'm with a sociopath here's the god's honest What did your mom see? And that person was like, this guy's not in it. When you meet this guy, Because she had a friend that like worked, went to Yale. and it was the wrong initial,

1:18:24 a lot of successful young men buy houses and when when he tells me where it is, he gives me the address him. And he got very like weird. And I remember, cause now here's a guy that you love that you're to me i'm like my first thought was oh my god like i don't want to disturb your mother who's dying about a week later that i was just like things were just kind of not adding up so i drove to

1:21:07 I was like, you're a fucking liar. And then, yeah, and then I knew the roommates, I think, It wasn't a roommate. Correct. from stories in that way and i said well you know this is so i'm trying to wrap my mind around this No, we met up once before I knew about the cancer thing. They really are. And like, you should know as a parent, my best friend who I'm visiting after your podcast

1:24:31 Like, shut it down from this whole gross family. Do you know who Elizabeth Holmes is? I just need a little bit more time. Did they do a movie about her, Oh, wait. Yeah. The Kardashians talk up here woman ever wow yeah because she was worth like $9 billion or some crazy shit like that. That's so crazy. What's her day-to-day? I followed it because I was so fascinated by it from a bunch of different perspectives.

1:27:51 it's a conspiracy of just when you like a whole company knows something whether it's chemicals in I got to watch it. all having to do with like business and like stocks and Like you're just we turn our backs like you're just, we turn our the stakes aren't as high You know, and Ari calls them garbage people. it's like the irish like it was a thing and now it's not you're okay so it's really the only type

1:30:49 Italian American food, though, is garbage trash. far cry from actual italian food it's different you know if you go to italy the portions are people, everything's so mass produced and they don't have it like that in other countries. You know, they just don't, they didn't get so into preservatives over there. Yeah. And when you're a chef, that's got to be maddening.

1:33:10 But it's not that they're dirty. Of dry aged. It's not normal steak. It's not like, like salmon is good. Like, was it good? Right. But I could get that wrong. And why can't we play with sustainability and things like that? Really? What about pork? They're brilliant, and they're not of this world. opened this huge barbecue restaurant in la he opened bloods was barbecue and they you know

1:36:35 And I'll eat deli turkey out of a bag over the garbage. Is it really good? I thought you had an industrial-sized container of them. Fillings. Tiny one. Total candy. My favorite candy. When I was a kid, for like businesses in elementary school, we would make airhead balls and sell Oh, that's why they're kids doing And I eat a lot of fruit. that I have like teeth problems or heart problems or anything. Fruit is something that I indulge in

1:39:03 It's hard to find something that Right. I know a lot of people like to put salt on certain types of fruits. Chili with mangoes is fucking sensational. But he gave it to a bunch of people no it's cause Bert it's the only watermelon No. It's funny. It's one of those things where I missed out on it, but I'm still like pumped for the project He's trying to not be a fat fuck.

1:41:31 That dude works hard. whatever, it's part of a persona. did. We did him around the same time. That's okay. It's always good I think he was doing it in June. But I definitely, I do like Burt. no I'm pretty sure if we can say that actually am using his we both use the same um sort of promotional company who helps you like come up Because you said it as if he invented it and then everyone copied him.

1:44:14 Here how he fucking rocked this bitch. She said she was right about I don't know and he turned out to be right like oh where's rogan and it would always get a big laugh i'm like okay so just know i can see like you're gonna get a spectrum of fans you're gonna get i have a lot of dumb fans for sure yeah I don't think it's good for you You can just see it sometimes.

1:46:46 because there's feedback there's okay there's a there's a difference between opinion and you have dm'd it but you did it publicly because you're secretly hoping i will burn in front of Yeah. like if you find yourself under particular amounts of stress do you meditate do you exercise like The goal is never to like really build muscle. fighters and girls that do just like strength training stuff and i just think it's a good body

1:49:46 really skinny girls because like girls seem to like very skinny girls or they seem to be jealous Right. Like male models are kind of ripped. they want to like be friends with him gay guys love looking at a jack dude i love looking at a It's cool if you're into that but like he doesn't want It'd be really gross. boobs, boobs, boobs. No, it's not. It's like, okay, I hear what you're saying.

1:52:55 they're like easy to hang out with for sure right and cuz guys want an easy I just got to find everything before we leave the house. girls will like hold back on eating yeah that's kind of fucked that doesn't even make any sense You just do. Because then it's surgically curvy. emulating a certain kind of body right Kim Kardashian naturally did have a big butt and then

1:56:02 You have to really figure out what you're okay with. but nobody naturally has a flower crown and a deer nose and that's scary because it's just I'm thinking about the DMs. Botox. You got Botox. Unfortunately, the people who need to hear that do not listen to this podcast. do you want to look weird it's a choice that like a lot of women all of a sudden like your face isn't

1:57:55 And I wrestle with, what does a woman owe in terms of revealing that? Well, And she looks great. uncomfortable like you gotta you gotta find out like you gotta feel publicly in the comment section and looks at you It could be that and you're like, I think the older I get, but just the endless scrutiny. isn't injected into people's lives out here as much as it has in L.A.

2:00:26 six. We were best friends. And That's not normal, Wait till those horns come in. The whole thing is insane to me, so sure. But it doesn't usually come up until it does. Look at my fucking quotes. And a string that goes up your butt. It's the most For no reason because these shorts huge what a coincidence Maybe they're both. But I can't say in the caption I'm doing it. I had a whole bit about this hot picture I hope someone's looking but I can't say in the caption

2:04:19 Like you can't. sense but if you're not if it just seems like you're just trying to bullshit people that comes and is pondering his own mortality and his... to run down its prey. male pattern behavior guys love to do that and they love to read shit like that and go fuck yeah guys using filters? comes with the phone and then there's like how vulnerable your

2:07:34 And part of the deal is you take it and you put a post up. demanding press not only that let's be real. You're so feisty. It's so hilarious because you didn't want to take a It was so turbulent. But maybe you have it gotta check in with that what about you kissing the dog on a private plane unacceptable i probably And they'd be like, how could you?

2:10:05 and killed her. it went through the back of her mouth and hit her nerve. Lollipop You can kill someone And fell a lot bottle i'm like this doesn't count if you're not reusing it i'm just amassing branded water It's a weird flex because you're spending but you're really not supposed to drink water Don't force it. You can. I don't know what happened.

2:12:50 Listen that lady needs to relax you know with spotify and everything i mean you you must field your fair share of that i'm sure Sure. It's not easy. So many people hunt. I mean, I run into like, it's almost like half the men I meet out here so many people hunt out here it's crazy a lot of people hunt so many people hunt i mean i run into like it's almost like half the men i meet out here hunt they want to either

2:14:59 that's not something I look for it was something I also didn't think was odd until you know you get a I don't know. cartridges and shit i gotta be honest i never looked that close because it was just so my No? Maybe it was a Dallas thing. I'm kidding. going to go lay in a field for six hours and scream union like what are you going to do god Celtic warriors, Vikings, things like that.

2:17:31 It's the Alamo reenactment they do every year. It's very small. It's tiny. Hear ye, hear ye. Yeah. They would literally get off their horses and stop and aim, and the Comanches would shoot from the horses. Yeah. They don't do this in this show. It's a play though. Wearing fucking deer skins and shit and running around pretending to tomahawk people.

2:20:20 Who the fuck else is going to go? Misfired. to dwell on the past, right? real knowledge versus just playing battle, I guess. Kind of Spanish, kind of old. visit for a little bit, Am I just seeing like a specific moment 2020s i think people are gonna be talking about all the changes happening right here Well, we're unhinged in a lot of ways. It's like the middle. It's like the medieval the medieval times. It's like medieval times like the Middle Ages

2:24:18 People like it. Really? punishment outweighs the crime but we so just want to see someone get devoured if somebody good-looking or rich yeah it's even more delicious yes or someone who's like wronged you or you feel there's no accounting for substance or character. It's not something that we value as much as you know we value it in our personal lives it's very important in your

2:26:34 sorry, buddy, they're going to eat you. the mob will find someone else. The public opinion cycle All for what? and it's just insane. Yeah, often. it's a strange time because we have this ability with social media that never What was her name? to find they want to secretly know that celebrities are actually shitty people some people like that not doing them.

2:29:19 Some of the shit you're gonna get offended at what i'm saying so you get upset i'm like well would you feel better I don't want to hurt anybody. to be a stand-up Ari Shafir said it best he said stand-up is dangerous again it was a great time For sure. And there's one guy who would be ashamed for like something sexual, like a sex party or doing something.

2:32:07 then they're attached to what people have said But I don't take these things home and think I should change something because a person had an issue. He seems like he meditates. it's cool in a couple weeks I never But there's all these He's not an idiot He doesn't read the comic. because I've known you for so long, I mean was he successful people sometimes long for normalcy

2:35:32 And so like on our first date, I ran to do a set. So we got out. First date. And I handed a ticket to Noah. Well, that's cute. i don't have the key to success or relationships i'm not a guru it should always be easy oh he's Like I felt like I knew him forever. But I didn't think about chef, I didn't think about food as art until I watched Bourdain's show.

2:37:39 tell me about this i didn't know i'm sure i did you don't answer every text i tried to get you You don't have time. We're home for like two weeks at the beginning. like you're not going to get sick, like people were thinking these things. So giving out healthy Wow. But he got a cookbook. We have a little- People send stuff. I don't give a fuck. Burt Kreischer invented not just drive-in movie shows, but as I understand it, stand-up comedy and I think podcasting, right?

2:40:57 He would start off with something. And so he did, what did he do, like four of them for Netflix? An alternative way to do it. stand-up during the pandemic and i was like i didn't have to i wanted to and now i have a brand You found a way. a bunch of stuff that i normally would be like off time i'm going flying somewhere yeah i basically So he came down and got positive because we test every day.

2:43:34 That's really expensive. because I hate when people do that you know use the one one one one name like Here in Austin, I'm pretty sure. But, you know, when you have a lot of friends, and Dave has a lot of friends, nebraska this is not an imminent threat but if you live in a city like los angeles um with a lot of I would have loved to have done one of those.

2:45:45 We met. Very grounded and kind of like you, you know like there's like a bottom feeder level and there's this sort of cannibalized like angry and they're still fucked up. Okay. Tell people the name of your film. I can't remember. The director was like, wear red. Day one, he's like, I got a tooth guy. Knowing that the guy in the movie is a liar. That's me in the shorts I'm wearing now.

2:48:44 And thank you so much for having me.