Joe Rogan Experience #1688 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience Both sounds in my ears at the same time. I have like, I think I get a lot of wax built up in my ears and I got fucking tinnitus now. Brian Johnson. Right. They didn't know tinnitus. Yeah. Like I saw Gary Clark Jr. out here. Because we were like right there, like second row. Do you play guitar? It was very therapeutic when I first moved to a chord guy. I don't, I don't jam. You just like it for fun. I,

2:20 you know, He's really good. We haven't gotten high and played together. I pictured like the first time I get high with my son would be like kicking back, talking about, Yeah. There's like a number attached to it. If he steals a stereo and it's like, $12 an hour and you're expected to take on people that And so the cop looked scared. And he waited in the car.

6:19 Actually, Waco is supposed to be. They've got this thing and they build houses and everybody goes there and it's really super cute. Yay. for three weeks. We did one renovation They take a long time. Are you fucking crazy? They're constantly upgrading their life. You and I just don't. Are you worried about these? You look at my face. I guess it really is like life or death in terms of your career

9:14 like a nice leather jacket. You don't have any lines, really. squinting. I remember when we were working on the man show together. Damn. Yeah, my daughter just turned 18. He had a clothesline because he used to wash his clothes in the sink and hang them up. He was never happier. She loves it. So did Shane Gillis. You know, you're not going to get it there. Right, right. Fucking no you know you're not gonna get it there right no

12:05 I go, Doug, there's a million people listening. People just wandering out. Like, he's got his vibe locked in. Doug's never Yeah. are really like on all of them. Like he's prosecuting his material. because you know how you can get sloppy with a bit? Yeah. I feel like that happened with the pandemic as I had a sheet full of new jokes that I was doing.

15:05 have my comedy notebooks going back to when we started i mean i have a i have a two giant fucking Really? It was so embarrassing. This is my nice shirt page no it's like I'd what was that one guy there was a guy Mike And we went to play it against Sam's. Like, this guy, look at him over here. Yeah, yeah. I saw him at the Paradise. I mean, he was a guy, he was definitely a guy to learn from, you know, early on.

17:46 And just act completely casual and go walking around and talking to people and then you'd be having a conversation with him Mike McDonald was fucking great. these long fucking tournaments So the bet was, So I fucking whooped his ass. And we're standing there doing that. Before evening at the Improv and all those strip shows that they were doing with stand-up comics.

19:53 It was on like WGBH, Wow. Yeah. Throwaway lines and a guy who you can't not start sounding like if you watch him too much. That was one of the more interesting things is like watching guys reclaim the stage because you'd have specific styles that were so effective. It just didn't work. That's why when the guy came out, the guy from The Tonight Show came out, he'd heard

22:05 but he said, alright, I gotta go see these guys so you go to Revere and the accent's Flies him out. he did like six Tonight Shows Which is a great movie. like they all got kind of like weird with each other right it's like when stephen wright made that the brand of Boston I felt nothing but support. Mike McCarthy, the comedy barbarian. He's doing it. Where's he at? I just saw his picture We had a good class. Yeah, we did. We had Mike McCarthy. Mike McCarthy, the comedy barbarian.

24:36 Wow. John Tobin's got rooms down there oh I'm forgetting They're the legends now. Yeah, that's good to hear, though, that there's a new up-and-coming crop. and it kind of brought things back again. who's really funny. Keep 150 people in your head. Wow. I mean, we know 200 plus comedians, easy. you don't remember me? I'm always like, hey man, This world is fucked up because there's people like you that have photographic memories.

27:27 I remember things that I care about. I'm just, I'm worried that as I get older, I'm going to get dumber. Like there's certain things that are great for your brain, Yeah, fats. Have you ever done that? enjoy yeah like and so now all i'm eating is like fats yeah just here just fucking i have a friend Jesus. He's chugging down heavy fucking tastes like Satan's

30:11 It makes sense that your brain is basically like everything else. Learning a new language. Like this stuff does not stick with me the way it used to. Well, I take, you recommend it, and I take it every day is these mushrooms. Another one that's good is that gum that we have over there, that Neuro Gum. Yeah. Nice. Like which arm does he have to cinch it up with?

32:30 When I go to the gym, like I'm working out in my house, I either watch John Wick or I watch fights. person's responding to it yeah you know you see things that work and don't work right and then but it'll be completely You'll be like, It's too complex. There's some good boxing commentators that don't box, but you basically have two weapons, that I don't

34:59 I kind of can but not like I can Right, right. comes to that. Yeah. That's interesting about not having... I was trying to think of a commentator What else does Joe Buck do? in the first episode Yeah. Yeah, that was Artie showing up with no shoelaces and his high tops and a jean jacket that was I don't think he's doing stand-up. He was completely sober.

37:42 He's got a great, gives you a fucking great laugh. His hair is, he looked like fucking Jim from Taxi. And he would always take it to another level. It's hot in here. Yep. You ever saw that episode? God damn he's good Larry and him had some like 1999 for best but he now is like creatively. LA. Then he comes out. He fucking loves It's a sitcom. Usually sitcoms,

41:21 you see that, like, I think it was very vindicating that you realize looking back that Seinfeld was all him. Jesus. story, but unfortunately I told it many times. All these people crying. So sad. I was like three years into comedy. There's no like, we almost hit the mountain. on the edge of the bed watching CNN going this is People are fucking crying.

44:26 and then they sent you a check back? Yep. Well, I was doing a bunch of colleges. floor and they stop it and they go all right now we're gonna have a comedian and I go up I was relatively clean, I thought. Right. and I start reading it on stage. Greg wrote a whole book on letters that his and the beauty of it is the letter ends There's like a real chance that you could die.

48:07 And I got my fucking golf clubs I've already unpacked. put my neck out for you you do this to me you ever have to fight for not Yeah, yeah. John, Blood everywhere. Wow. And Bill went down there and straightened him out. He's a big fucking tough guy. eyes. Wasn't he a stockbroker? in Cape Cod. I can't remember if it's him or John Tobin. Wow. I remember one time we were in Aspen.

51:30 That's great. that you just kill animals just for their fur yeah but on the other hand people have been doing She goes, well, I don't like what it represents. But like the synthetic, like it's a weird thing, like synthetic fur. She'd take the train into Grand Central Station, And somehow she never got fucking, she had attitude. Whereas with the mink, you're not eating the meat.

53:59 you would use it from a cow that they're butchering for food. It's like a thing. Birds are fucking mean, man. People would beat the fuck out of you. Oh, my God. It's made out of alligator. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, Disneyland's just printing money. when it came to COVID, with their fucking cunty alligators wandering around. Nothing. It's crazy. Because they're assholes.

57:26 Why is it okay to have Uggs with sheepskin inside of them? Yeah. That shit is – that ship is sailed. I saw one, there's one somewhere that, how big do those fucking things get? to eat a 150 pound Wow. This might be the one. It says it was, excuse me, in Brazil. Holy shit. All right, you can't fake at the size of that thing. Holy shit. Wow. Remember? Anaconda, where they were even bigger? Because they think that there used to be giant anacondas in the Amazon

1:00:46 I typed in biggest snake, and that's how I got that, which was anacondas. On the golf course. On the golf course. They just wander around. and she fucking falls in the water and I mean she Imagine that's how she went out. Yeah. Yeah. A friend of mine who is a wildlife biologist was telling me about, And she got killed by coyotes Wow. A toddler. Right.

1:04:13 And he's got a fucking cigar in his mouth the whole time. He's opening the jaw Yeah and he's got the dog on his hat They're everywhere. Like these iguanas are five feet long. Oh, that's Outdoors Alley. And so they hunt them and then they cook them. Yeah. And they were eating it. And it would be like, hey, you want some fucking bison? I ate zebra. uh,

1:06:54 was there elephant? I was like, And they're not like encaged. Before you ride them, which I didn't enjoy. Really? They don't mind. And when you're doing it, they'll just hang with you, man. They know what to do. Like these elephants don't give a shit. If they wanted to, they could just go left and wander off into the jungle, pull bushes out, and they just eat.

1:09:36 are. They're really smart. They can paint. You ever seen them paint? No. Dude, they can paint. Shit. I was like, how does it hold the brush in its foot? It's weird, man. I know. Suda. Fuck. Is that 100% real? That one's a little different. Look, different perspectives. The elephant's wearing a scarf now. I'm getting one of those. paintings my kids did when they were in preschool and i'm shocked at sometimes the symmetry like

1:13:17 it's weird to see I'm more of an illustrator. when Hagler died. I found out Hagler died But I have one of three little pigs that's really good. And when I quit, I didn't go to art my senior year of high school just because my art teacher was such a piece of shit. talented and you know we're, 16, 17 years old. That's probably a better one. was like well you're not going everything was like, well, you're

1:16:27 It's called technical pens. It was like a series of these, That's a totally different way of creating art. What is it? It's My daughter wanted one since she was like 12 years old Did you find my three little pigs one? It's actually John Wick. Incredible. Look at that Viking one, the upper left. Wild. Look at the tongue. What the fuck? I think he's in Colorado.

1:20:14 Man, that is wild wild where is that elysium studios where is that i think it's colorado it's not denver though but i believe he is click on that yeah grand junction grand junction colorado out there? I don't know. They got a new Des Moines. I'm not driving. at another college and I'm fucking starving and I'm driving my food. He goes in the bathroom

1:22:23 And I had to take a shit and I couldn't and I took a shit on the side of the road. and weird, shitty road gigs. You know, you've written books and had comedy specials on TV. I remember there was a block of wood, like a two-by-four connected to the room key so That was a big deal. Yeah. It was really nice. What kind of life is this? I see young comics now that are doing that,

1:25:56 last 10 years come into that stage and then all of a sudden they get their confidence and it's like It was Samuel's girlfriend. And she'd been working for like two months straight. And she's also like young, hungry comic. And there's something that the audience senses about that person. Everything was flowing and smooth. But it was that thing, and I said, I go, dude, that was so good.

1:28:24 because they're trying So there's less, you know, they have those monoclonal antibodies and ivermectin and Z-Pax and all these different things they're doing. and it's been around for a long time. And so there was a guy online that was saying, what is this? was a lot of people that didn't get symptoms before vaccines were out, before there was even any vaccines. He's like, so the bulk of the deaths, yeah, they were

1:31:27 It's just too easy to get fatty foods and sugary foods. They're just like, give me that shot and everything's going to be fine. healthy vitamin intake and exercise, particularly cardiovascular exercise. They think that that is one of the best things to ward off some of the worst cases of COVID. you're not in shape. Yeah. You're just muscles. A lot of these guys

1:33:24 Yeah if you don't have weights- That's good because you get a double whammy, right? How do they know whether or not, everybody that I know that got tested for COVID, they Yeah. Golf swings, too, and running? You see how I am with pool. golf, they did not pay attention to their career. that aren't going to progress. I'd get up in the morning, get some coffee,

1:35:41 Yeah. It was kind of fat and not really like pieced together. out. But for me, it was like, I needed those hours alone in my hotel room, pouring over that shit to 50% as valuable as doing a whole set. So like if you do two shows and then you listen to both of it, really trying to tighten it up. You were about to tell me. And there's a guy in the corner who's got a fucking he's got a freezer bag filled with mushrooms.

1:38:52 is just hands there were like three women that were willing to come on stage. This girl comes up is it okay if you make out with him? And then he goes, Tony goes, life up until Kill Tony. Yeah. And the boyfriend, the date was pissed because he wasn't invited because she couldn't find him. Tony is so good at that show. I think yeah he's hilarious did you show this

1:41:49 But it's better on the internet. Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, Red Band's producing it all. That's what you really want. And it's great. Yeah, yeah. And he had all this material, like Andrew Dice Clay material, including nursery rhymes Are you working tonight? Fuck yeah, man. Oh, it's going to be wild. So if I'm doing arenas on the weekend, I tighten my shit up here.

1:44:19 I've done some clubs on the road. like, hey man, thing well first of all it's like you know the lockdowns and everything and people weren't doing arena shows vegas wasn't even open until a couple Two nights in a row we did it. It was wild. And then you did a, and that was the weekend of the McGregor fight, right? Yeah. it. A lot of the deaths happened in the early days too

1:46:44 Every show, people are so excited. Even if it's not full, it's just, since the pandemic. They are just electric. Every show, people are so excited. That's fun. This is not right Oh, yeah. Let's guess and we'll find out. I did Utah. Of the whole state. than a fucking Catholic girl school? Marymount College. Leave me alone dad We'd get a couple bottles of wine

1:49:01 To cloister them up And she was so wild. All the time and I think it was because of Catholic school. Yeah, it's sad sometimes. best in show when the Kathleen O'Hara? Yeah, very original. Yeah, yeah. show. Is he as gay and that thing is very well put together. Yeah. I binged. room for a little while. And ingest it. Joel McHale's fucking funny, man. I don't know if that's true, but I wouldn't be surprised.

1:52:55 He would just look away from you when he walked up, mirrored sunglasses on. Yeah. doing that like no bullshit because he was always like feet up in the air boom slam fall down on the history with people getting punched and kicked in the head my first thing i was thinking like but You know, I wonder. And they're going to work on helping them with psilocybin mushrooms.

1:56:16 one of the best treatments for them is MDMA. So it actually can help heal the brain. They've done that with a lot of fighters. uh, I've had, You just keep fucking buzzing your head. probably three years ago and my wife is like i see a big difference wow so it remaps your brain She's the greatest women fighter of all time. Wow. They don't give a fuck.

1:59:36 That's wild. and he's like, he goes, and I did it. I was like, really? And he was doing it like two days a week for a while. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. Maybe he started lifting weights. Mm-hmm. Yeah, he's done it all. It is a lot of Irish guys have depression. Right. Right. Even Mormonism isn't that old. Yeah. New York was like, New York got it.

2:03:17 laughing and i i fell on the floor i was laughing so fucking hard. Those guys are so important. So they were shitting on each other and pissing on each other. it's like you're like hey what's going on here they don't take notes These guys are so important. Yeah, week in and week out. And they got a rule with Comedy Central, no notes. Because if you let some young, woke, dumbass executive who just thinks he's going to fucking

2:04:53 Yeah. Yeah. Right, right, right. that's how you get cured it cures you right so i do that we riff on it on your show and then six Yeah. You know, they're always trying to find thievery, Yeah. He's like, we should all post this. that have like, you know, all told together. Have you seen this fucking sitcom he's doing about Biden? that is fucking incredible. And he does

2:08:43 24 hours where I'll be forced to broadcast your son's homemade pornos. Well, get to the laptop At OC. And he was like the Jim Carrey of the show. talking about. They fucked it up. Yeah. Wow. It's clunky. No. Exactly. Just watch this. Press that. I mean the guy does a great impression with the voice You can say anything. I said, no, Mr. Gorbachev, I'm not nervous.

2:12:56 I mean, it's hard to believe. Uh-huh. It's called Roadrunner. Like they had, I forget what country did it. I don't know if I'm going to be able to find it Well, I'm looking and it's not popping up I know it's available. It's not out? I'm not saying it's not. I'm just saying They're like, this is- Well, you got these concerts now with Biggie Smalls being a hologram.

2:17:04 Uh-huh. Right, right, right. part human. eyes, but it's close in as animated or whatever you call this um you know i think they should do that with children I mean, this was like a major movie that he was a star of. Or Oklahoma, whatever. It's like once someone is, it's almost like we know that this guy did something that no It's weird. And he was doing like apparently the take where the woman, what the fuck is her name, who was the star.

2:21:23 Shelley Duvall. Yeah. crazy conspiracy about The Shining that inside of it is all sorts of uh information that uh is it relates What is the thing in the circle with the Jack Nicholson picture there? What does that mean? That is, that is, whatever that is. Yeah, he did. So they made the second half of the movie But the movie's supposed to be in the middle of the jungle.

2:23:56 Yeah, he did. Yeah, a lot of people are like, dude, you didn't even know. Yeah. The fact that this is the only time in human history that something is not cheaper, easier, and faster to replicate than it was in 1969. think everything since then is like 300 miles every human travel you know like space shuttles and again, I'm not saying that this is actually what's happening,

2:26:46 uh I don't recall seeing any stars problem with that is like Michael Collins never left the lunar Like there's videos that make it look like But there's a video of them where it looks like they're on trampolines. It is. me high and showed me all this TikTok is a resurgence in moon hoax, moon landing hoax talk because the kids, kids are It's very weird.

2:29:38 He's got this book. Maybe we could find it. believed it happened. I said, sure. Not, for sure we went to the moon. You know, the fake production thing is really compelling because this was also during the time And they had this whole thing that led us into Vietnam. They took a bunch of Nazi scientists because they were very advanced, and they brought them over and hired them for NASA.

2:33:10 And, you know, if you pay attention to so much from that era, like the video footage of, what is it, Yuri Gagarin, the It's very weird. Even if you got it out, I mean... just Lee Harvey Oswald. I think Lee Harvey Oswald was probably in on it too. People want to go one oh my God, these white supremacists, these Trump supporters. Turns out 12 of them were FBI

2:35:58 Yes. No shit. Wow my god. Wow. before he went completely insane that motherfucker was sitting at his desk typing. they had studies that they were doing with LSD. the guy who killed Lee Harvey Oswald. Yep. stature at that time. And that was the guy in the CIA that was running the LSD program. And he went to visit him And then right after he does it, you dose the

2:38:50 Yeah. Let's get this tent out of town. It was like a real legit clinic. In multiple states. How to let him go. No. but he paired them up, and in one one year they took thousands of pages and they But they had to get rid of so much. It's too complex. Who was out of his fucking mind. through the book before i had him on so having him on and knowing all the shit that was in the book

2:42:11 Co-Intel Pro. Didn't a guy jump out of a window or something? Really crazy. And the fact that he found all the documents that supported this, Yep. And that what's going on behind the scenes is real complex and it's been was pretending and molding them. Yeah. The audio book. Notorious Boston criminal Whitey Bulger may have been driven to murder by LSD experimentation in the 1950s,

2:45:06 Wow. Well, that made sense because he he was an informant yeah you know Whitey Bulger was an informant When I was teaching Taekwondo. I go, the neck? Did you keep in touch with him? He did. Yeah. That it might have all been connected to LSD when he was in uh his first stint in jail in atlanta he was given it so maybe it was like the Vietnam? Wasn't it

2:48:12 to give false statements to the press Well, Greg, we cracked it. Yeah. And then I'm going to be coming to, I mentioned Golden, Colorado. I fucking love that place. Every Sunday we rip through the Sunday Papers section by section staying busy