Joe Rogan Experience #169 — Brian Redban, Doug Benson, Bert Kreischer, Ari Shaffir, Jason Gillearn Transcript

Transcript

0:00 It's the Joe Rogan Experience. perfect for our second anniversary show manny garberian shout out to my man manny and and go Can we not have this? What are you playing behind me, man? Not Tetris. back then yeah who gives a fuck if you get that right you know it's frustrating for me i don't or names you can keep a cut-off number. Have them in your head.

2:44 But like my brain was ready to get rid of them. Stop living in the past. you hit your girlfriend or something and you've reformed yourself from that make wouldn't it be Can I delete that? horny horrendous crime that is ultimately incredibly sorry for could could he delete You could only delete if you were molested or if you... When you get around down to certain things, there's certain things like sniffing paint.

5:13 What is that guy running from? if it's not engineered it seems like human life can hit the whole spectrum from You know, if you looked at the human race as like something other than, you know, what and lazy fucks you almost have to all have them all together it's like they all play a piece in Obese. now because there's you know we only have 12 or something like that and so she just started to

8:14 Yeah. I think she's already been crying enough. You know, that's devastating. Like, what the fuck is that, man? Because these dogs are bred to not be aggressive to people. We can't do that with people, though. You got to influence it as much as possible in a positive sense. websites so like if you have a copy written video on your website and stuff like that it's pretty

10:59 They're very big. You know what I mean? Yeah a lawsuit against the owners in a u.s court would be futile so that's what they're doing so that's any more control than they already have. the internet being free is what made this whole thing happen the way it's happening right now that because that is theft but there's a there's a difference between that and the freedom of just

13:50 you youtube does it is that still count can they can they fucking pull you i bet they can yeah Things can get real slippery. And I guess the highest bidder right now is Hollywood. that nowadays like anonymous, absolutely. Anyways, so everybody, they started, like people on the internet, We changed our mind. and, That's incredible. we are working with the congressional staff to address those concerns,

16:24 Because Tim McCollin, an AT&T executive vice president of the Federation, would feel differently i'm look i want to be real clear i think you know when you fucking steal You know, that's all they need to see. that his name oh yeah yeah he's the vampire badass vampire it's a good fucking movie man It's so crazy. a little one by one wow uh there's there's a new app you have to download it's free i i've fucking been going i don't know if you've been watching my

19:24 It's free. It's called Action Movie? I mean, I don't play Angry Birds because I have a real fear of anything that's addictive. and that's like a legitimate way of putting shit out now, right? It's other shit that he said. Well, no, because not if he doesn't take it as payment. He said, I never thought of it as my money. He's such an interesting guy, an interesting thinker.

21:20 Yeah, I'll have to ask him. He was always making plenty of money before that. Is this the action movie thing? Because then people are going to take videos of their ex-girlfriends and then do that and Here's something. There's a lot of people that want to do that. I don't know how it's written. Yeah, or censor your shit. that was my own work. I can't even take a clip and say, hey, you know, this is from my last CD.

24:34 That's just it. to some really chaotic state where the resources and the money and the, you know, it all doesn't terrorist killing americans really no this is generally a pretty prosperous nation things are and tear gas and fucking sound machines that make it impossible for you to breathe running it. And everybody that's running it is absolutely confident that they should be the one

28:21 And it seems like some people are bribing you to do some shit the rest of us don't want to do. cancer those people are like white blood cells they don't know what the fuck they're doing but Yeah. I got very intimidated Right For like five or ten minutes And I put out my hand. You know, and she seemed like she was just like a cool surfer chick almost.

30:29 Yeah, she says like a lot. But yeah, but what did she say, though? It's terrifying for you. You know, they all have their reason to why they want to be an ass kicker, you know, or Doug Benson Doug Benson and Ari Schaffer Two years ago Doug Benson gets crazy greedy and wants and he's so smart with the uh the whole and i'm giving this much of it back to charity like

33:13 Yeah, he's being crazy open with the numbers. that fucking thing's going to sell for years. Maybe. my TV is now linked up then i'm done i i don't need any more cable tv what do you mean hulu have network shows they They have full seasons of shows. It's one of the best little inventions. it's fucking amazing watches it on Netflix or Do you even know?

35:41 Residuals. One distributor sold it to another. It's five bucks now. You'd move some. I'm not going to. So when did they start sponsoring you? I usually pay them. I pay late fees. have podcastings happening but we didn't get to podcasts. Well, I'm glad you guys are all here during the second anniversary podcast, Started the podcast? Is this live streaming also?

38:49 We expected everybody to show up later. Isn't that scary that just an earthquake can cause that times a million. I have one in your car. Yeah. It's really important. Yeah, apparently there's some weird leakage that gives you some, like, Oh, I know. You ruin the whole brothership of man thing just to get some fucking water. take off and they go out when the end of the world.

40:55 I was done with that guy's movies gonna say burt kreischer doesn a man who never heard the word spoiler. You haven't seen it by now. At a certain point in time, it becomes like one of those rides you take at Universal they went way past preposterous to the fucking ridiculous zone to the point where it was just fucking special effects were so What kind of crazy neurosis do you have going on in your head?

43:30 And they were always hurting her back. She didn't like all the boners. Yeah, I mean, Yeah, but to women that have giant tits, it's like a... And she was real athletic, too. I've never seen his wife. Oh, no. of them together they actually enhance each other she's fucking hilarious comedian you know But I'm not doing stand-up in that. she was going to have to do.

46:00 You know, like you have that one friend I was like, wow. He gave me a Dremel recently. There's a show called Hidden City. she was in she was expertly dissected the fucking letters that this guy had sent to the police because he was like mocking them the black was outing him his son was saying that's my dad's handwriting i'm looking at these letters that died

48:31 Jesus Christ. That's information. have to do with it you're the son what how's how did you do wrong that's not a fucking common name Yeah. no we'll be goldberg said fuck it my chris rocks brother no no no no but we're all related we all in listings I think I did. I don't know. Right. Oh, see, you've gone a step further than me. What a comedy. Oh, because I have my laugh up.

51:47 Let me tell you something. You got a great energy You're a fucking sweetheart. Joey Diaz is a different kind of magic Because he's a human cartoon She woke up, what are you doing? He was like, dude, you've never done that? When the egg roll would come out. Take my dick out the morning sludge? yeah, we're ready for the road. and they're like I totally forget that

53:56 on that shit That's all a joke. It's just material. No one knew. I'm going to hide me quiet. I bet he did blame that guy. fucking know there's there's certain dudes where you know that's not that's not a even just having Or you can like... Get in there, son. I appreciate it. It's designed to be non-ventilated to keep the good stuff in. Maybe the fucking mouse was on a counter who the hell knows but the point is he shot his

56:59 like shaking him up he's like what who fucked who why no idea imagine you go to What? What was the art like on the walls of that apartment? without even knowing his music. Dwight Yoakam. If you're into that shit, you got to open up. My dog's named Johnny Cash. Baby, you're no good. Blue Bayou, that Blue Bayou song. She looked good when I saw her in that video with Jack White.

59:13 She was a badass. I have this crazy... One of those girls? I don't know. Did you have to show Brian your penis? Do you know what song I was addicted to the other day? Seriously? the Christian version? Linda Ronstadt Oh, and that red top, that's a cute one too. Full size, son. Full size more. Click on that. Upper. That's Linda Ronstadt. Full size, son.

1:00:57 She looks like the girl from Growing Pains. We're talking over each other here, people. Look up that. Do you know it? I saw it was trending today at one point. Shut up. That I don't know how That's a fucking Eagles song Like, drunk on a plane. That's a chick speaking from the fucking soul on a stage with a microphone. No, it's just a song. Brian, did you speed it up?

1:03:55 That's stupid That's such an asshole thing to do What voice are you talking about? listen to this. Thank you. Wow now she's a different voice That's such an asshole thing to do Still holds up. It's intimidating, man. Are they still going? She still belted it out. And then there's the other one. A lot of high kicks when they're belting out barracuda and shit.

1:06:04 I keep thinking of the guy sitting next to you as you're hearing this for the first time. Is that an effect? I don't have that kind of lung capacity. Yeah, me too. It's the weirdest thing. He loves you. He listens to everything you do, bro. I thought you were asking me to be on your podcast in like a joke. It was a joke. It was me joking, I always click on your thing to send you a direct message to say, hey, let's trade numbers or email or something.

1:08:22 You haven't been a follower. What are you lying about, bitch? I don't think we're in a fight. that just write my name and something shitty and then i i can't write back to them because Some people are weird, man. i'll hop on twitter and answer questions read everything and just answer but you know it's applications and the website as a timeline. so you don't have to retweet it if you click on it right and

1:10:57 So whenever I DM somebody, immediately I get back, hey, man, I can't write back. Yeah. 420, yeah. No, I do. That's a great way to do it, now that I realize that. and it came up on my phone He's trying to be a nice guy. because he was on a show with some friends of mine That he's so thin-skinned you doing i'll show you everything you know he's not a bad guy man i like he's just struggle he's

1:13:42 Jason, how you doing, man? Does he sniffle a lot? I said, I'm happy to see that guy doing good, though. It was really open, and I tried to be as honest as possible. And people say, oh, he was trying to get you. I did not mind my conversation that I had with him. I was really open at the expense of a person's feelings, I mean, he's not dishonest about it.

1:15:10 I think. A lot of people, yeah. god no I wasn't doing I was I was going back to my car from the uh from the gym right there right That's why I kept hearing from people. people who have deep-set insecurities will try to prey on that. re-engage because that was no i totally know you're saying you know i'm saying like you're You get twisted. I feel like I'm eating corn on the cob now.

1:17:44 Burt Kreischer is positive energy. You're a fucking grown man. I need to be in the right cult. I need to be in the right cult. You're a part of it. Let's get branded. at my house. I swear to God I would have done it. I was going to say that. Go ahead, Doug. No, you say it. I was going to ask Joe if he ever just reaches in like, You ever do that, though?

1:19:15 It's crazy. You've done like. Recently, this kid named Michael Yo. And so he came and we came to the show to film some stuff. He's a big time radio DJ the deepest shit you're ever gonna see on tv that is fascinating water cooler i don't want to tell No, but is there any updates? I want to just leer like a creepy old man. Bert Kreischer will be back in two seconds, everybody.

1:21:41 Cue it up. Start talking when they want to talk. world and I'm going to go, oopsies. Get up, boy. It's just like holding hands. We're going to have to talk. Let's get all our generals over here you know....generals over here. I think it could be easily discharged for anything that he says on there. All right. What's going on? Oh. Go give them this,

1:24:16 You know, yeah, it's all right. But you enjoy doing that? I mean, and volunteer, play soccer and fucking... Right. And then I remember that when they come back to lunch, man. struggle to be a professional comic. I was like, look, get somebody else to get in front of those fucking monsters. I mean, if we can blow you up on the podcast, maybe that's it.

1:26:57 I love you and I love the fuck happens i should probably be more proactive but why don't you start your own podcast Weed made me more ambitious. Oh, his ideas rush in. Makes me want to water my lawn. If I get high, those are the things that bug me. How do you not like Doug Benson? fun, though. We do fun things Like if I'm the headliner and uh the opening act goes long or some

1:29:52 late. I didn't know you weren't allowed See, what it is, dude, is that you're used to doing my shows where we just sort of take Those big theaters, you have to be considerate of the union rules. I don't think they should have to work extra hard. You can do a good long set. I used to do Q&As. I was like, I clearly dragged this out way too far. they can meet you after the show.

1:32:26 You used to be the worst when you're standing behind the curtain waiting to wrap up the show for an hour and 45 minutes. When we go on the road, we have a fucking party. Who's getting depressed? 39 and white. So he does For the average comic. Have you hung out Oh yeah they're always cool Every town he goes to I can now. and there was this young lady that was emceeing

1:34:41 I'm going to come up now. I always feel bad for them, man. But when you give them that license, then they say the weirdest shit. They just want to know. Come on. I don't give a fucking shit. And you're like, man, you do not fucking. was on you know he was like a big guy in Long Island like he would do like really I go, it's not... I go, it's a compliment.

1:37:16 He's doing my, he's got this really kind of strange bit about tigers. you know no no i said you brought him up or i don't get here he brought you up he brought me wherever the fuck. I was just trying to hype him up. and he was flying back and forth. If you see someone and their success is making you angry, look inward. Look at yourself because It's 100% up to you.

1:39:50 You gotta dig in I think you put on the NASA suit and you're in space. No, that's just the Mac Mini from four years ago has not made it Sir, we're not fucking cds all the shit you think taking anybody's Well, the cassette player period when people were freaking out. there and it's awesome Powerful Bert Kreischer. Why don't we take a breaky-poo now?

1:42:44 Do you want to take a break? Are you tired? I'm going to get them into the show. I know, because I have a lot of shit I have to saying take a little break. Where's your fear? I don't know. Do you want to take a break? What the fuck are you doing? All right. You know what? Brian just made a really excellent point. We're going to end this podcast. I want to like GoDaddy style. Yeah. I'm going back just like GoDaddy. We're going to end this podcast.

1:43:39 They're going to reach out right now. G-I-L-L-E-A-R-N. Get your own guy, fuckface. What if another guy It doesn't fucking matter man Hey, is it true that the SATs are for faggots? if you're at the fucking DMV, Ruining it for the good folks. I know it's confusing. I know. Thank you. We actually like each other. make him uncomfortable. Oh, my goodness.

1:46:08 from Bert the Conqueror. On the Rogan, you will get 15% off. mushroom. Thank you for tuning in for two years.