Joe Rogan Experience #17 — Ari Shaffir, Eddie Bravo Transcript

Transcript

0:00 And, gentlemen, very sorry for the late start here, but unfortunately I'm the only one that's here. So that's the story. That's crazy shit And maybe he's somewhere cooler right now, right? And they made a bunch of big mistakes. It's literally not possible. inappropriate, well, he definitely did something disrespectful. You know, Jake Shields is in the

3:01 You know, he went in there to try to hype up the fight the same way they would do it in the UFC, He should have never been allowed to get into the Octagon. They should have regulated the cage. They really don't give a fuck. And when you get a bunch of pit bulls in the room, you can't get mad at the pit bulls if they fight each other. And because of that, that's a significant advantage. It's a significant tactic when it comes to fighting. And they're not going to relinquish

6:17 I never have to think about it. And you got to be a fan of the sport. And when they get here, then we'll jump off. And then I'll have couches and shit like that. And now I've done it, I think this is like the 12th or the 13th week in a row. for you know because it's because the preliminary is going to be on Spike TV. in Iceland it literally is erupting through the ice it's pretty badass if

9:59 How are you? here. No? Iceland volcano. wouldn't fucking It's because of the hoots and runnels. How about that? That's just as likely. fucking coolest thing ever. You can see it And there's another island Oh, that's how it goes dirt. There's a bunch of towns that were completely wiped out on the big island where they'll show you where the town used to be

13:05 They're these giant ancient prehistoric sharks that were like fucking gigantic, way bigger than great whites. Montana used to be underwater. Did you know that? it's all who the fuck knows. a fucking hamster. All kinds of rats. birds are a direct descendant And then, Yeah, and there's been two thousand earthquakes in Yellowstone National Park since January

15:10 Exactly the same, just happening to big cities. Right, right, right. You know? But it seems like there's so many of. If you get it on the corner of Sunset and Fairfax, it's going to be, you know, tremendous. Right, right, right. I don't know. More celebrities just died. that chick that was hot about beer celebrity death That's true. I just heard he existed.

16:28 I'll play you one. They were good. I think I'm gonna go with the one from the other side. I think I'm gonna go with the one from the other side. I think I'm gonna go with the one from the other side. I think I'm gonna go with the one from the other side. I think I'm gonna go with the one from the other side. From Guru. What a great Christian band. And he died last night.

17:19 40, 42. It's over, son. Yeah, the old dude. Jesus Christ. That shit is disgusting. reason why they're attractive. Yeah, the reason why they're attractive is... Okay, so why don't you talk to like fashions? Just like chubby. They poke out and they look ridiculous. That poor fucking girl, what is her name? Heidi She had her chin done. a big chin, It just makes you look different.

20:26 I like a solid C. yeah like go look at fucking videos of africa you know yeah you're not supposed to have these Self-plastic surgery is good. How the fuck is she doing that? But it's like, no way. I'm sure the vagina is just done. That's a wrap, so. You're shooting loads into a casket. but as far as like but I'm saying like make people. When you pull out

22:40 like, or before you get to heaven, it's purgatory level. I don't know. Grab some shit over there. Ladies and gentlemen, have you ever heard of a volcano? Because he and his girlfriend ate some pot brownies and he said time was moving really slow and he thinks he's dying Like saran wrap or some shit, and you just get pure this will all be green behind us,

25:47 So what we were talking about, we went over volcanoes. I went over Strikeforce. I don't know if you Mayhem went in there Gilbert Melendez It was kicking him There's a great picture online where someone from the audience captured it on their phone or something where Jake Shields and Nick Diaz are coming. that. And everybody's like, That's not going to happen.

27:42 There was some ethnic people that everyone was scared of. I don't want to get stabbed by someone else. They can't be for the pitchers' reasons. Somebody, now this hasn't been confirmed, but I'm just going to say it because I hope it's true. I train. in the internet can't read it the audience We're all legal. We have prescriptions. I think, seriously, though, seriously, because this is the 420 episode,

30:11 Yeah, but that fucks up Yeah, but people fast and take a fast with joy but why don't you just go walk into my kitchen I'll shut that off, man. who's nothing, just like this ghost. I can't wait to die. Oh, they don't count sperm, so each time you're like fucking one demon. I think on average, six a week. It's still working. I always feel like if I jerk off more than once a day, then I'm alive. My dick works. That's what I feel like. Like, yeah. It's still working.

32:35 And why am I doing this? your seed no I'd rather just you that masturbation It's amazing, though. So you can fuck women, get married, have babies. I feel that myself. But, man, and they're waiting for you You're facing an army of demons. had 12 babies, you know, I don't know. They're like, I would but god damn it if I do that. The Jews don't give a fuck. I already got 75,000 demons.

35:46 We can't risk it. So they looked down on Christianity all the really when the shit goes down, the chosen people, thing for the Jews if it came out in debate. because they would kill each other. They can't prove it first of all. Either way, if the guy existed, for sure he didn't walk on water and come back from the dead. Like if you told that story today and said there was a dude who walked on water

38:37 we did a family Fear Factor Yeah. Because something is too amazing to exist naturally. They appear in two places at once. It might mean that the whole thing is just super complicated and conscious. You know no worse, but it's course. Of course. Of course. Why does there have to be a God doing that? It's an interconnected thing. It feels like you're all connected all around you to something that you don't see ordinarily.

41:37 three and a half okay so I did them all myself yeah and just want to let you I thought doing mushrooms at the zoo Did you feel like you were in prison? I thought it was, you know, a terrible, terrible thing that they were doing was just taking went out to the parking lot and this chick I was with me we did the exact same and then they form and i remember connor telling me because connor is the one who uh um turned me

44:12 We get in the fucking car. as I was driving on the freeway, That was a terrible mistake. and Hindu shit and Buddhas Garuda those birds you know those you know I'm talking about in the media room I don't know. and all these dimensions that are all around us. it seems impossible for me to dream that up in my brain. all of a sudden, there's this show Way more complex.

47:35 this shit, more hypersensitive and it makes your visualizations go wild because it reacts with, you know, eaten by a cat everything else saying they eat and breathe to do everything the other one that they do and teaches the grasshopper That's just like It's just another like, but you know with all these rules and God is you know fucking kind of we want it like

49:38 you can't stop. Because it's just a normal part of our day. to things. my life is going to be the half of my life where When you really Just fucking up, learning from my fuck-ups, and your own, the way you interact with people figured out, long enough to figure this out it seems like the reason why turtles live to be a thousand years all the people want to be a hundred is because we're not supposed to live long enough to figure this out. It seems like the reason why turtles live to be 1,000 years old and people live to be 100 is because we're not supposed to.

52:00 1,000? what was the thousand year old writing? That's crazy. There could be a about the Dead Sea Scrolls and decipher it for myself and flying saucers. That should be important. Let's decipher this shit in front of the world. Live satellite feed from fucking France or something. started out a religious person, but when he started A lot of people that say that he was the head scholar.

54:29 And they would hide what the magic and what the mushrooms can do. Sumerian word that means a mushroom because they didn't have microscopes. were told all they were keeping it from their enemies Wow isn't that nuts God It's an amazing, incredible feeling. So people were dying rituals are so important. They wanted to have as many I guess. But adulthood is like 14.

57:06 I think it's 50%. I'd be fucked. Softball. We need to find that out. I don't think I've ever seen a chick throw that hard regular. You know how you try to break the balls really hard. ingrained in the way your body moves. is a monster that first round Henderson hit him on the butt. No, I erased it. I erased it. face plants And he goes down again. been having problems with his back.

1:00:22 iTunes too at this point in time they're already like, No sardines please. Fuck yeah. Hey, how come you haven't gotten that operation that your eyeballs fixed? I just haven't done it. Sometimes I leave my contacts in for like 3 or 4 days and shit. There's an incredible little thing you can do is put these little things in your eye, Someone figure that out.

1:02:07 the human race right now. Because if they did, You don't think the internet, that's it? Like, what if they get your brain to work like a Wi-Fi signal? wi-fi with some sort of a neural implant or something that like activates a certain portion and he started, I forget what they were trying to do. This was an accident. But in stimulating part of his brain and he started, I forget what they were trying to do.

1:04:18 and jumpstart your memories. I mean, not a good image. How do we rethink the Lately when I get to argue with somebody about something, you know, a waste thing's I went back to my town where I grew up in. lived at when I was three in LA an apartment and my dad got my mom yeah The way the street looked there, the Safeway. I don't even think I have those original old memories before.

1:06:46 and it was the incorrect way. don't live long enough to figure out that it's all bullshit you know because if they do then chaos it's countries or companies or political parties or anything. Can the whole world live like that? But I think we have to look at human nature as being natural. But if we do, why is it so That's what people do. I believe it. That we're moving towards, that this behavior pushes us towards

1:09:45 I mean, They said it's possible They want to surround themselves an actual parasite I know right into jerks. It's a parasite that causes rats to sacrifice themselves to cats, may also change human That's hilarious. Like, the more douchey the guy is, the more he's going to do, like, creepy shit to go get laid. You hate him and he hates you. Hate equals productivity.

1:13:16 It's a terrible conclusion, but going to have war anymore, like look at Obama. Wow. Other than that, Did you look into healthcare? Do I want to concentrate on, oh, how are they fucking us? Oh, you know, patients. We are Yeah. before I have sex, all the time. or something, You went on stage that night and you were talking about how great that ice cream sundae was.

1:16:12 before all Hulk Hogan fights. He loves weed. Where did you do this? or what a comic? if he could record you know, oh shit. and was like, this fuck. Iron Sheik's like rude and shit. So we got him in the car. Video dude we did we had this fun with us it's like 45 it's like 45 minutes of classic shit take the whole 45 minutes let's put it online in And his manager, who's his nephew, will say, he barely speaks English.

1:19:17 And it's always, fuck you in the ass, put you in the camouflage, fuck your mother, and just, he's... I'll say, who do you want me to say? Well, we'll put it online later. And I'm like, god damn, I'm talking to Hulk fucking Hogan. all those guys got really badly hurt from wrestling Those guys all have to get operated on, man. Draculino. Oh, no. What'd he say? What did he say?

1:21:36 And some guy's interviewing him. Draculino. He's supposed to be And I go, what about, what do you think of Eddie Bravo? Yeah. you know, and obviously And then he says So the she knew about that? I really can't say anything bad about Draculino. jiu-jitsu instructors, they're not like these wild musician motherfuckers, completely open-minded dude who's

1:24:29 They just don't know. have them fuck with it and come up with their own stuff. I mean, look at all the different and then I pretend sort of fitting. when you first started So a lot of people think, like wrestlers go, He just changed his names. that I like take moves my first book, I know where they got the move from. Do you feel like that's what it is?

1:27:28 regardless. Like Aoki, you know, the right thing to do is give credit. way to set up a rear naked and then he does it and then you give him credit it Yeah. out of nowhere or someone else, We were talking about how he trained with Marcelo. When you see someone who's at that high level, the guys you compete against are faster that I can count You know,

1:30:14 all that shit. Really? There's a lot of them that I don't do. I've been doing like, again, 16 years and I'm still putting new weapons always, You know, in the D'Arce. I sucked with those, that I suck at and try to train my body. You know, eventually it'll come. You gotta remember that all moves feel awkward Most people have that mentality back, unless you force them, and that's what I do.

1:33:03 They know all the exercises. to go through that shit I just look at everything. by third or fourth cycle it is definitely important get on the practice Oh, do they? is to understand the map. you know every fucking, into certain areas and, like... So they don't get to a straight jump and rocket jumps. They practice jumping into certain areas and I think Quake 4 is the last.

1:34:58 Does, like, the graphics and the amount of area you can travel to? MMO or G's or something like that. they're real people playing the game? let their babies starve There's a bunch. World of Warcraft. There's the EverQuest. There's, what's the other one? Dude, there's 13,210 Watching three retards stone out of their minds trying to talk to a camera.

1:36:51 Whoa. Dude. We all smoked a joint, this chick took, I thought she was being silly. need to get chance I didn't understand what was really happening but it happened did she just faint? Did you watch That was too much for me. Nice. What? Have you guys seen Shreds? from Journey. it's like the worst rock band ever. They're really funny. It's fun. and he said

1:40:22 They're doing it. E-A-D? Junkies, Shreds? It's junkies shreds. Jerk knee shreds. I didn't get it either. She loves to move. She loves to groove. She loves everything She loves the moon Baby, all time All right, all right, all right. The solo is so bad. Yeah, it was funny. Yeah, sorry about that. Some dude wrote some shit in Arabic. Chinese or Japanese.

1:44:46 There's 1600 people in here, man. There's no way we're going to have to keep an eye on it to catch their response. You were in New York. That was when the Dave Chappelle show you know like Maybe the audience knows the answer to this. Yeah, I mean, there's 1,666. Shiny Happy Jihad. She wanted to try to get him to have sex with her. The kid's 14 years old,

1:47:03 So what if she doesn't remember it? Yeah. a boy to touch your tit? So she's not even eligible How dare you? Maybe she's been sucking kids dicks since she was eight Well, if she did it to this kid, Yeah. blows you know that's all that is she's just a crazy bitch but she shouldn't have to go to jail Of course, right? A bunch of girls in between school,

1:49:43 And they got suspended. What's the deal? if she wants to be a whore, Like, you're saying There's a bunch of them who are fucking dummies. What are the fucking teachers supposed to step in and say? fortune your girl was a secret fantasy you didn't even notice that how old are a picture of her cousin. is that that's incredible that's all that like that was that

1:52:12 He bit down into his metal spoon. How dare you? He was eating yogurt thinking about yummy dicks. That's not good for the movement, yeah that sucks was he drunk too I hope it's all He was basically not responsive. who was like really anti-weed called The Emperor Wears No Clothes, and it's all about this marijuana... but I forget exactly that he had it handled.

1:55:11 If you want to know anything about the history of propaganda and of hemp being made illegal, grinds up the hemp and makes the fibers easier to process. William Randolph Hearst owned didn't even know they're making the textile, you know, the fabric, you know, no one bad That sounds cool. that's ridiculous. Anderson Silva is saying he's going to take all the UFC belts.

1:57:44 That Chael Sonnen fight is going to be very interesting, man. Why doesn't he like Chael Sonnen all of a sudden? That really opened a lot of people's eyes. with wrestling at 85. Really sweet. Yeah. He's had two wins since then. Really sweet. That would be fantastic. because he likes He's awesome at Jiu Jitsu Once he realizes what GSP's doing. but then,

2:00:16 should really pound in the full guard to open shit up but passing should be your that he wasn't passing it. I don't agree with that strategy at all, ever. eventually stand up after it gets his back and the tripod's up He can't get up which I understand, You know? I don't know why he didn't have it. And Dan only had two scratches on his right eye, and he wasn't hurt.

2:02:47 He's so good it's such a tricky thing talking shit, I Fucking with dudes heads. You know, sometimes. I'm not going to lie, but it wasn't like personal shit. I don't really have a lot of job options. back to course guys drama school right but so they said you know Anderson like ever just screaming screaming shit talking like that what if Damian what would happen if Damian

2:05:34 You know that thing where it's like they go dress it. Like you just fucking spun at them like that. And he would fucking switch positions and make him break dance. Try to catch a spin. You're going to get fucking bumped. I think we're done. Very interesting fight. for him Aoki had that wrist once in the first round. with the fucking fight without a contract

2:08:00 I guess you can. Yeah, and so I think he felt like I think Jake Shields was upset because he felt like they were not respecting Yeah, I mean, this first fight. ladies and gentlemen. Pretty good. Make it happen. It'll be all set up. Ari Shafir at JoeRogan.net. I'd like to get that Seems so fragile.