Joe Rogan Experience #17120001 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the Joe Rogan experience my special aired. Right. Right when it started really good for a special. and then the cabin came out and I was like I'll tell you what, it kept me sane. And we were doing two a month. and I was like, Okay. You thought that? And I go, no, it is. Then he hits me back. if you want to do it you can do it and i was like i was like let's do it and they signed me up for

3:34 you telling me about the idea. september and what was it when did you come up with it your first shows were like june right Do my meet and greet that way. thank you very much like everyone was grateful not one complaint the entire summer look at that Yeah, pretty much. dude i love it thank you thank you very much joe i remember telling the idea to tom when i came up

6:05 How are you going to fuck up your career? I saw a couple of those. Here we go. Don't even tell me who said it because let me just tell you about Winston Churchill. So Winston Churchill. A whole bottle at That's a good present. That was one of the best days I've ever had in my life. Full speed ahead damn the reports how great a glass cow Farragut Flag officer.

9:22 I looked at Tom and I was like, yeah, I don't mind being a guinea pig. remember I hit you up in San Antonio? Really? So it's like a barbecue slash comedy podcast? He's a big smoker. and he loves it he's passionate about it like no shit like the way you're passionate about so many We put salmon on it. There's Dave. Oh, it's a barbecue, one of them chimneys.

11:37 Yeah. Yeah. Like one night we were drinking, and we driving down the road and he was in the shower we party and Tommy's like, you know, this is so you, So we would test in L.A. and then all get on the bus. That way we know we're clean and then drive into LA. And we start doing our live gigs, those Two Bears Live. I go why don't we start drinking I don't like that word with dicks.

14:33 I'm not going to lie to you. That's what I'm worried about. So she'd hit our cocks just don't and then and then back and forth conk conk and we're crying laughing What a hairy fella. on your cock a vibrate your cock until you guys come and both tom and i are like can you show us You're in a trap house? like, hi. She was like, what are you doing here? And he's like, oh, we're just shooting a thing

17:26 And Tom, just because we were such in a dom mood, we'd been dominated all day, he just It's so nice out here, dude. I'm telling you, I'm never going back. I miss you not living in LA. Come on out here, bitch. It's a better place to live. It's so nice out here, They're all, like, people are, like, Yeah. That's a lot of it a lot of it's just population when I built that apocalypse truck that Land Cruiser

19:13 And then everyone was like hoarding food and toilet paper. and a little bit of a catastrophe thinker. I got guns. But I got Isn't it great going there? Really? Oh, that's a good move. got guns i feel safe as fucking shit in this house and i was like yeah sometimes it's okay to have They want it all about them. there's any kind of a pandemic or anything the best thing you can have is a good crew of humans that you can count on you can count on them they can count on you where

23:27 It's no joy. goes south, those people are the first ones to yell. Like right at the beginning of the pandemic, we got in contact with someone, this is how people get in trouble I mean, It fucks with your head. And you're like, huh? It doesn't know, everything's up. Go to the Denver airport and you're like, huh? way to deal with I had my money on that Johnson & Johnson booster.

26:23 Obviously, it's no one's fault that they don't know what to do. I know you probably look at your daughters. For little two-year-olds and three-year-olds, like their whole life, they've worn masks. You haven't seen the videos of people getting kicked off airplanes because their two-year-old won't keep a mask on their face? And not only that, it doesn't make any sense.

28:13 everybody who has it you get sent home and everybody who doesn't have it gets on the plane I think he streamed it or I saw that on Instagram. I shouldn't say it's not dangerous to them, but statistically it's not nearly as dangerous as the For kids, they could have it and they could spread it, and she had a headache for a day. The other one was laughing when she found out she had COVID

30:40 I just spent time with Tom's fucking kids. And his oldest, Ellis, comes in. Ellis, where did you get that from? I go, take a sip of this water. and I go no I'm not taking a sip of your fucking water Ellis, did you put that, I'm gonna lock my fucking doors. Impractical Jokers. as your parents. and he goes, And he goes, no. is the sweetest goddamn thing in the world.

33:01 And they're like, there's a dog under our sink? pet the dog. Bert, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, I'm going to enjoy this entire fucking month. Both of them. There's a part. There's some time and he goes no it's not funny at all we can't and i and i go tom it's got to be a bit it's got to be watching two guys How dare you? so broke they would come to my house to eat because they didn't have money

35:21 they knew my family and I Well, I can't believe he slept on the couch with a broken arm after leaving one hospital and going to another one hard to tell but you know doctors are doing everything they can do and listen i love him What did they do? Oh, come on, bro. I was throwing up clean. That's like a man's bench. And I got pinned hard. the fuck are you doing and you just i don't know man fuck it and then you get to dinner you're like

38:59 There was something where I was like, this is probably. Whenever someone fucks their shoulder up, I go, were you benching? wait so so what like So what are you doing? Who's going to carry the boat? He goes, right when you think he's going to be done, he starts yelling, they don't know 19. His mind is bulletproof. Look at his eyes. You should. It's like a battle axe.

41:48 but I don't know but it's a fundamental jujitsu I repeat it Of course you would. yeah. Jocko's a leader, like a real leader. Like if Jocko was running for president, I would 100% And either you get walked the face of the earth but what's so i love that guy to death i dude i just spent hunting camp trolling people, All these dudes, I don't know anything about them.

44:38 the movement for your tricep i got on my treadmill and i was walking at an incline is what i was doing Ten-minute mile and then I go alright. Let's fucking push it and I start hearing these mother don't who's gonna carry the boats And I'm like, maybe I should slow down. That's the probably biggest gift I've gotten from this podcast is those dudes. I'll say something he knows who you are and he'll DM me

46:44 police academy 3 and I was like what I was like oh yeah we didn't all rent jet boats you're right Hold your brain. Fucking. I told a story to my kids the other day. And my wife goes, I think that was Police Academy 3. Dude, you were on, like, episode 10 or some shit. what is this and it was you guys answering questions that's hilarious that's how we used

47:52 This was- You don't know you get on those. I would have never told the machine on story on stage, never told on stage. I told it before I told it to you. And I have milked like a closeted dairy farmer Oh, it was so fucking surreal to think I had this event happen. I tell Tommy, Charlie Murphy had wanted to go to dinner with Tom that night, Like mine and Tom's, at least.

50:20 Next thing you know, I'm in Serbia starring in a major motion picture on a story I told on a fucking podcast. this is all boring. That's the beautiful thing. He's a great guy. to like shane gillis or mark normand and chris de stef Giannis Pappas, and all these great fucking dudes that are all blowing up huge right now there was only five comedians or whatever it is

52:26 because he found comics that he loved, or even maybe I'll put it together myself better than me i got lucky i i got on mtv like fucking five years in the comedy or four years It was madness. lucky that i had this position where i wasn't i didn't have like of bitterness. You know what I mean? I think that bitterness starts eating you up, and then it makes more of it.

55:18 I would do Joey's and Ari's. I'm in Vietnam. You got to bank on yourself. he would turn the camera away from you and you would take a hit of weed yeah we had to like coordinate i was I mean, I'm saying this because it's going to sound like you guys were being shitty to me, but you weren't. I hosted Fear Factor for six years. i want to live i want to do what I want to do.

58:29 don't you're not doing what you could have done you know and then all of a was a way out. And the way out was were fucking with you and i knew they were fucked i was friends with bourdain right so he was getting this this r is getting wasted on a g i remember telling them i said they were like what do you And then luckily I got fired. and they're all very heartfelt, sincere.

1:01:10 Tom, Joey, Burr, you, Ari, Dunk, all these guys that were just, and there's a, there's a much there's a certain bitterness It was a really good time slot. whatever the fuck it was. And they, have sitcoms i'm like we're living the fucking dream we're so lucky they didn't want to hear it I I used to run the same loop for my loop every morning in Serbia before the movie and one day I felt bloated

1:03:53 And then because of that, the next day we're in the woods. of you going under anesthesia, calling out Red Rocks for your surgery. And we were just talking about this. I don't hate to say this this way, And sometimes incredible challenges break people. country in a different country that also has very sensational journalism i mean they have like uh I mean, think about who you were when you were 20.

1:06:46 the whole thing the ordeal takes like eight years until she's completely exonerated and then after Whitney's a fascinating human being herself and when she tells you that someone's brilliant and She said that about two people ever. What? Come on. Tell me what it does. I think he does nothing No. she really is you know it's like for a while, Whitney was like Whitney from the sitcom.

1:10:06 Very beginning of the pandemic, she hits me up. So I thought maybe I'd invite you over. First of all, I didn't ask him any questions. And this girl I was dating was like, ended up hanging out with you and then they ended There's a delay. coloring her hair random fucking woke colors. The first I get off the phone, I thought that interview went great

1:12:27 I go, it's not Precious Gems. That is one two hour or whatever however long the movie is fucking panic attack It's like I'm just dead inside with that. I'm commentating and I'm also gambling. wife he's married correct he's married him after we're done here yeah I would love to what was I saying about him you were saying I was there I I was out of town for that one that was my hunting trip so I had to cancel it but

1:15:38 And Ortega is known They do everything to like this razor sharp. So that kind of guillotine with a guy like that is death. So good, dude. Who's acting before he did fighting? or maybe he's done very few things. Yeah. off. Oh my God, that's hilarious. And so, and, but Brian Ortega, the way he was telling the story was like, it was good. He was telling it good.

1:19:16 Like, that's why I use the word fundamentals instead of basic. up with that name um and but there's a bravo choke that's kind of similar that's in jujitsu is he how much dexterity does he have in his legs the way he's applying pressure i'm like can my fat He calls them like nerd assassins. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. you have gravity on your side so if you're on top of a person you're smushing them you have gravity

1:22:37 This stuff that he's doing right here, this is not the basics. Like, watch that. And it's a really good question. He's really good. It was like a crocodile snatching a wildebeest by the side of a waterhole. And his nickname, T-City, that's Triangle City. wildest fights I've ever seen in my All I got, I was doing a show at the Park MGM. Yeah. And then I was like...

1:26:12 Robbie Lawler's a kid. It's not like he's really slowed down that much. It's a wild sport. undefeated to be special like conor mcgregor's lost a bunch of times he's still the biggest and I texted Tommy, I was like you gotta check I try, even as a commentator, because I'm in a weird spot where I'm talking about the fights. Because, like, I genuinely love that dude.

1:28:31 I mean, like Ben Rothwell. He was 300 pounds natural and one of the best wrestlers in MMA. In another world, that guy would be fucking showing up at the front of the boat, and you with Travis Brown, yeah Travis Brown and is he's a fun guy to be around that's why all his friends love him so much yeah like people don't like him because he's he's first of all you know whether you judge his comedy or judge his podcast or judge whether

1:31:08 He knocked out Crow Cop. And I realized, oh, my God, I'm not now or I'm gonna get my brain scrambled because I'm meeting people who are like I used to does now he's a great fighter dude don't get me wrong Yes, exactly. it's just being a human getting hit a bunch of times you lose something somewhere along the way And it takes a sensitive, intelligent person like him.

1:34:13 Just the RPMs and the fucking trauma of just even just regular training that fighters that try to get into the ufc is it like baseball because every kid plays baseball as an MMA fighter. It's more complicated. It's amazing, one fight in a UFC. And he's fucking, look, man, he's insanely good. was one of the best And then Cody Garbrandt put the fucking knuckles to him in an insane way with this sidestep

1:36:54 Yeah. and then he literally says to him, His timing is just spectacular. or on his back going like come on get me get me it's brother giving the birds yeah it certainly It's a big part of the equation. Yeah. guy. fun. Who's the guy that he... He's from have got surgery on his knee, but he decided Lost to Robert Whittaker. And then he realized he had to go up to 185 because he was a big dude

1:40:28 Oh, it was. Like maybe two weeks or so out, he tore his ACL in training. When guys fight injured? And I do the fight scene. I'm going into surgery. Let's get our Who's going to carry the boats? You think he'd fucking tear a fucking tricep and go, If you're a professional athlete, you tear your tricep in a movie, just stop. do it and i don't mean this disrespectfully but i mean you could definitely do it like there's a lot

1:43:16 Oh, in the crowd? There's a lot more of these. Oh, dude. I mean, of all the fucking terrible roads to go down. He's an assassin. He didn't just say something. But what I'm saying is the problem with sucker punching, you're going to see it right here. There's a lot of random people out there. in the human neuro system if i go to slap you you don't realize i'm slapping you until it's too late

1:46:16 you can get knocked the fuck out. Fedor lost by knockouts. I bet he woke up and he's like, did we do shots? What happened? He was one of Nick's training partners. No idea. And he didn't have an idea either. That guy did not see that coming. No. Joe Schilling. And my thing about Nick Diaz is when I looked at him physically, I was like, I don't know how much he's been training.

1:47:22 38? ready for a fight but if you're a guy who's been off for that long you're gonna need more time i nick diaz at fort george saint pierre like the nick diaz that fought paul daly in strike force and you run a mile and you're dead, They could last the whole fucking fight because of their cardio. I'm running the New York City Marathon. You saw Nick step into the cage?

1:49:56 What's this? Yes. I don't want to. That's what I love about you is that you're not an expert in that field. I love being wrong. I really do. Yeah, tell me what's wrong something and everyone's like coming to me like what do you think about what Joe said and I go Alpha brain, fucking cortisol mushrooms. How many times have you told me And I go... I am not saying any of that. I am just sending you something. And I would do this if you were

1:54:08 Put that back up. It doesn't always work in humans. that's not for humans like what what is happening here what is what is going on there well i'll tell I say, hey, man, you know, Joe's my friend, but like, tell me what, and he goes, number Yes. know who to fucking listen to anymore it's hard listen they're figuring it out as the pandemic It turned out to be bad.

1:57:03 Like 80% of the people they put on ventilators didn't make it. I don't know if they would have made it anyway. Right? I don't know why allegedly but i think it was like a crazy number like 80 of the people they put on ventilators didn't make it i don't know if they wouldn't have made it anyway I'm like, well, what is this really? I got better in five days.

1:58:31 But it wasn't that stuff. I'm not saying any of these things. It starts this week. Every single one of them is like, dude, if I get fucking COVID, I'm going to throw the fucking kitchen sink at it. But like she was so upbeat during that whole fucking thing. What a fucking solid person she was, because I remember doing a podcast with you, and then you did one one with him and I was like, wait, this shit's real?

2:00:48 Yeah. Or on the west side. I knew a dude who had a mob job there. shaky ass gigs Syphilis. If you had to guess. Some swampy place, right? Really? Oh, it's got to be Sierra Leone. Sierra're cold. I don't think it's like that. Really? I have no knowledge of syphilis. No. And it meant you had syphilis. you can see through and see their teeth. No, please pull that up. Yeah seen syphilis injuries like when people like get holes in their face you can see through and see their teeth please pull that up yeah syphilis is wild when people die their nose falls off it's fucking terrifying shit your body just falls apart

2:04:56 Oh my God. Okay, I don't have syphilis. Her nose is caved in. It's like lots of parts I think that's true. So we can see if there's a story that, how did Al Capone? Imagine. I'm dirty now, you know? Very similar. followed the rules like how did this happen to me and and it was hard for me it was a hard That's how my brain works. When did, it's a great name. It's a great. Why would you ever call it gonorrhea when you call gonorrhea. When did that first gonorrhea? Is it gonorrhea? That's the clap, right? It's a great name.

2:07:57 Here it is. Okay, here, it's the beginning. bacterial infection that can affect both penis or testicles or pus-like discharge. I fucking swear to God, I was sitting at the ATO fraternity house thinking, I got to get Two hard objects like two boat paddles according to this article from the Women's Health Foundation. Like, unbearable. With the clap. No, because all the people

2:10:50 I bet you did, because he wouldn't say that. hey, man, I can just give you the pills or I can give you the test, Yeah, yeah, yeah. The oldest virus ever found is a sexually transmitted disease. So that's for sure back then then, they had hepatitis. I think hepatitis is something you catch. you can also get through drinking? from sexually transmission sexual

2:13:30 For drinking bullshit water. I'm not afraid to eat ass at all. And you're like, about eating ass now? I want to tell you Hey, hot one coming in. I loved spitting in mouths. Twice I've done twice Why can't it just be your sexuality? Whoa, out of a loft? was a fucking nightmare like i i i didn't put you fuck a ghost? Mark's in the worst place. Your ability to absorb alcohol makes me uncomfortable.

2:16:52 You're encompassing much more mass. How much did he weigh? So Bird has got to be 240. Pull up my fucking cedar cyanides. A lot of times you wouldn't even lead with the jab And I'll get up. alcohol. Make sure that's true. pool. Don't listen to me.'s what i know i know those things How do I get that? I get that every time. N-acetylcysteine is an antioxidant that may play a role in preventing cancer.

2:21:09 so i started doing ivs right after i got uh dosed by ari i started doing ivs and i was like they're I'm like, I'm in. I'm in. So gets a vitamin drip, IV, and glutathione. I'm like, I'm in. That's one of the best ways to know if you're sick, right? There's something to this, right? Tom Hayslip, Dave's wife. The doctor's stepping way back. You're drinking a mimosa while you have an IV.

2:23:08 And then we all went out. And he goes, ah, Rogan does it. I think they did the shot. Yeah, yeah, for a few minutes. Yeah, the drip is worse. I want to do the... By the way, huge shout out to Gabby and Laird. I'm a FaceTime motherfucker. I'm making coffee, and it's Laird Hamilton. Yeah, his coffee shit is amazing. She's super nice. And I'm like, Gabby, you're talking to the wrong motherfucker.

2:25:56 then I think I was on hardball I think it was on that fox show no one knew who I was yeah and I That was the one person that jumped out. And I'm probably guilty of it myself, but listen to me on this one. With oven mitts. something like something crazy maybe eight minutes i don't know and i remember saying something insane. I saw that. So just before you did one minute,

2:29:06 we call them the campers. It's in a box out in our backyard. but we breathe really hard. And then she teaches Hold for four seconds and then relax for four. After the box breathing. But I think it's called Renew or something. all your blood goes to your core to try to keep your organs alive and then you get out and it all floods to your body you feel amazing yeah and that

2:31:55 I took her to cryotherapy in Woodland Hills after the podcast. Oh, shit. I would love to see that. You could pick your music and go in and just fucking jam out. What? Young Jamie, get Dragon Attack. This is my freezing to death music. 250 degrees below zero. And I would dance. Oh this is a good song! my junk because that would also get cold. It doesn't make sense. Yeah.

2:34:03 I had a lot of songs that were like 2.30 Oh He goes, Dragon Attack, motherfucker. Other than his comedy, like Joey Diaz doing a podcast where he just breaks down music. Just call it Uncle Jody Radio and have him on Spotify with all of his favorite music and then tell stories. What's the guy's name? Yeah. I was born lonely. But you know I ain't shy.

2:37:16 This is Joey Diaz needs a fucking Spotify channel where he just DJs. I like that it sounds like shit Roseanne Bach It's going to take some time. I was in a Stephen King movie Biden got a booster today. Kyle Dunnigan's gold. I mean, not as MMA commentating so much, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was awesome. that you're not under the gun. And I always go back to this, and I go back to this as a giant Bill Hicks fan, and I think the reason why is if you do four shows, you feel comfortable enough that you're not under the gun.

2:40:02 Like sometimes the AC's all fucked up or whatever. You know you got it in the bag her fault. It was like someone who was Oh. And like if you're a person, I'm like, fuck, now I only have one show. I'm sure I did. There's a few points in comedy as a comic that you watch other comics and you get inspired by the way they're working. No, but it was like-