Joe Rogan Experience #17120002 — Bert Kreischer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 I don't remember the bit either, but there's a few bits that you go as a comic. Because you get that juice. It's exciting. was the biggest norm fan in the world and then chris rock got sick and i and i i did like a deep Without a doubt. Martin Lawrence in the 1990s. He had two or three specials that were like lightning bolts. It's hard. I mean screaming in agony because they're laughing so hard.

3:44 had gotten like a little bit lazy After that, you get some the Pain. After that, you get Bigger and Blacker. After that, you get some of the greatest bits ever. going on. I thought it was a fight or something terrified. It was like watching somebody But you're like, how long can you go at that RPM? But I think a lot of that comes- So a stroke or something?

5:58 No, no. From heat exhaustion. His body temperature went up to 107 degrees, so something that could have caused a lot of a guy like Martin Lawrence or Jay Z that you know dipolo maybe brilliant dipolo rich voss richard jney was a big one. There was a thing that happened. in his possession. Maybe he's working on a bit. whatever the fuck you are. at anything and I think with a guy like Martin Lawrence I'm telling you dude he

9:17 a wild man you know guys are always flawed knowing I know one of the things you do are really people or provide a much-needed service to the world or are an unusual voice. Goggins is one of those. They don't want to eat plants. i don't know if you should only eat fruit but my point is like i want to talk to as many fucking or are you trying to shit on all the people around you?

12:30 to create your own content is, We've all done it. And it's also a self-correcting mechanism for culture. hear how other people see you or think of you yeah it's a fine line between yeah between letting If they don't they don't trust what you're saying to be how you really feel they're not gonna listen new well i'm 52 why would i learn a new language yeah come on man get the fuck out go go

15:08 If you want to say authenticity, I'll try to be as authentic as I am. You know? before you go to the airport. It's a free Yeti ad. other fake ass cooler oh they sold them out we traveled we traveled the yeti because when you Butcher paper, yeah. When we say cooler, it's not cooled, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I love that time. I went there yesterday. That's my spot if I go I know there's a lot of spots in

17:31 like, oh, you fucking nailed it. and your tongue's going like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where are you guys going? There's a different – even in Texas, there's a Dallas, even in Texas, there's like, there's a Dallas, a Houston in the night. Yeah. throw it on the back of your wrist, How did they figure that out? on them, when they put the butcher paper on them.

19:55 Menstruating tit. that the smoke would give the meat a different flavor. Isn't that crazy? That was the thing They had Honda Accords. You got it. Summer moon? Whatever. The fucking thing about Native Americans the sun or in the war of the moon you got it summer moon whatever Oh, it's in my book, but it's in my thing. Is it? Is that it? Amazon. It's Conquerors by

22:51 Was that inside the the the nook area like to be inside Africa that trading area was important? would be like, They'd then shit in his mouth, I'm telling you when I say this Here's what I think. that have ill intention, they feel like their life is on the line. Like, how insane is that? Really? We need to shame these people. And it gets very confusing

26:04 and you go well that's because they put everybody else in danger. Mean not to if that's the protocol of like I don't think the best advice would ever be to shame those people in doing what you want But you are. It's way more of a tribal thing than it is a real solid disagreement on what we should be doing and why we should be doing it. You know? Right?

29:35 Yeah. See, this is where we're going. You think that people should be educated and it'd be wonderful if people had an open mind, right. There's a lot of variables We think it's just a normal part of being a person where you're attacking all the people that are on CNN. Yeah. What are you talking about? We have a lot of friends that aren't vaccinated and won't get their kids vaccinated.

31:37 are, we have a lot of them in our lives They're taking acidophilus. All that shit. huh? It's different. That's one of the things about being a person is that oftentimes stuff is not black and white. Google that, Jamie. I think I read from a different paper, but it says, go back up, please. This says, most children who experience rare side effect had symptoms within days of the

35:03 operating on information we would say that these young people seem to be way better it's like, I don't know. They all quarantined. You know? And I got sports lines. And I plugged it in. and i was like this email shit's not gonna last i was like there's no way there's no way that That little tease. That little mark. What is internet anyway? That massive computer network.

38:23 No, she can't say anything in 10 seconds or less. computer billboard, but it's nationwide. That's wild to see, man. I got this thing called MySpace that I go on, and I chat with friends, and it helps And I was like, huh? Someone just gets so ahead of the curve. Fever records type in feet work. How do you get people to follow you? a Burt Kreischer Athens,

40:52 You did your show, and then you got all these followers. there but when i was uh at a dentist's office um i was on uh sit on the couch waiting to get in and In internet marketing and internet rebranding and selling whoever the Metallica? He uploaded it, right? I know. I was drunk. And I would, and I just said in these Instagram posts, I want to hear't move forward. You've got to acknowledge your luck sometimes.

43:54 think the problem is concentrating on any one thing whether it's concentrating on a person's Kevin Hart has had a, he got a couple opportunities It's not just like this opportunity was just there for anybody. was I was having a hard time I need him to acknowledge he's lucky to admit they're lucky your most fortunate moments, There's always some new wacky shit.

46:30 There's enough challenge in just trying to do your best. Your mind is filled with all sorts of interactions or when you're you know you've got it figured out that's's when you're really fucked. Because no one's got this thing figured out. This is like an ant trying to read calculus. If there's like ape and then enlightenment, we're like in this weird like upward progress.

48:30 I thought I was going to die. fantastic fungi that's it that's it fantastic fungi and so i'm like i'm like this is fun he's Cool dude. And then my daughter be more compassionate if we like let's pretend okay let's pretend we have a medication let's different perspective on what it means to be a person what it means to be alive what it means health i'm not the guy that you should be

52:31 lives for a, in a massive beneficial way? Why are they illegal? Because we haven't fucking had this for you necessarily because we're here drunk on fucking whiskey which is like one of the worst I love a low-grade cocaine. Whoa. and greatly increase access to treatment, recovery, harm reduction, and other services. Because if you're decriminalizing users, I mean, that's giving people the ability to make their own decisions.

55:24 That's a good question. It's like most drugs. That's why I said people can't keep up with you. I can't drink with you. Yeah, but you're all muscle. But I can't drink with you. Yeah can't even drink with you. I'm only 40 pounds lighter than you. I can't drink with you. Oh, no. Mark Norman. He can just go and go. Round and round we go back, Jack, and do it again.

57:01 I go to the mountains, to the woods for a week, and it all falls apart. You only really understand them when you're on acid. Dirty Work. All we played. And our pool was a rather a modded in. This ain't Jim Brown singing. 72 to 80. Keep going, Jeff. Whether it was a comedian like Lenny Bruce or a singer like Jimi Hendrix. FM, you ever hear FM? Play FM, the song?

1:00:11 and he goes, The girls don't seem to care. Keep going. No static, no static, no static. I listen to the old Robertbert johnson recordings you know why because robert johnson was the guy who at the time was so good It's like a strange, haunting sort of a, you get like a real accurate glimpse into at least one aspect of life during the time when that guy was alive.

1:03:04 It's all over the world. It's like there's more complexity to music because they have more ability to do it. There was no electricity. He's doing what the guitar rock and roll equivalent is, some castles made of sand. There was a bunch of people before him, I'm sure, that never even got recorded robert johnson that was recorded 1936 and 7 so that's right around the time where alcohol was

1:06:34 And when did the marijuana thing happen? William Randolph Hearst. And it's because they had created a new machine called a decorticator. Like you can sell hemp. but we couldn't even get it in America. It's a really good solid protein. All of it. Oh, by the way, I feel like I was there one time in ninth grade. Yeah. I can I know a few dudes brothers that are schizophrenic. Yeah that it started with drugs, but uh, I

1:10:43 That's possible, yeah. Listen, schizophrenia linked to marijuana use disorder is on the rise, study finds. Okay, just how about Google this? Oh, no, no, no. You have to take a shit? Yeah. I've never once held a shit in my life. I was starting to sweat bro who is that guy that shot a 400 I've been telling guy. Yeah, same. that far too if they wanted to plus there's a bunch of people standing here

1:13:35 When you brought up domination earlier, I was going to bring up his stats of making 120 cuts in a row Yeah, exactly. with a guy like Bryson. By the way, Bryson They tried. Oh, golf people can be savages. He came in as an amateur in the U.S. Open, correct? Look at this motherfucker. Close enough. Right that one in the lower right. That is Patty Gugleton.

1:16:02 We want to send you to rehab, though. TPC, 1997, I'm about to come out in Rolling Stone as the number one party animal in the country. I almost jumped in that fucking, on hole 17 naked. So you're there drinking with John Daly the night before he withdraws from an event if I'm not mistaken. He was having fun. By the time he left, he definitely was feeling very little pain.

1:18:01 Do you think that influenced your future choices? And Tom worked with his coach, and he was practicing with his coach, Out of nowhere. He was so sad. on his racket. It would hit the handle and tennis and golfing and i was just i was an athlete i know i don't look like it now i was an athlete Who's better at golf, Ari or you guys? And then I did it, and you go, holy shit, you could do the splits?

1:21:10 I was gambling with them hardcore and destroyed them in golf. But there's alligators in there. He played collegiate golf. Go ahead, Jamie. What are you saying? It does work. This is a 7-iron. I mean. I think it's in the 30s. but like thick big fucking eastern european looking motherfucker yeah and he was a big dude he was like six foot two but like thick big fucking eastern european

1:23:54 When I watch you kick, when you kick, Oh, wow. I would throw some kicks like they showed me, and I figured out how to use my body a little bit. I was learning how to throw kicks so I think that's what helped me okay so I've always said do the strength of my arm because I was like, Gun show, son. I get it. They grab your hand. They're out there. Jesus Christ.

1:27:12 Yeah. Oh. One, I can't do shows the night after I do ecstasy. All those people in that crowd, Ari should owe them all a free ticket for a new show. That's better than a regular show. The problem is the comedown. When Aubrey and I started talking about doing a company. enhances your body's ability to produce dopamine that stuff yeah and then tryptophan yeah and then

1:29:47 It's a building block for dopamine. I might take a couple tomorrow morning. A little bit of mushrooms. Well, getting off it apparently is one of the hardest things to do. you get if you're an alcoholic and you just cold turkey quit alcohol you could The second you wake up is the second you go to bed. I remember I heard her sing. Go right here, here we go

1:33:08 Here we go. Yes, I've been black. I think people recognize all the elements of their self in her. You said I just think you're depressed. Fuck it. Jesus Christ. That's what life's all about. I tell you what I want. Coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. I think I want to be buried. I said, I want to be buried. Fuck boxes, man. I want to contribute to the earth.

1:37:57 we're supposed to die and become a part Yeah, 100%. All of a sudden, you got a suit and your veins filled with chemicals made by some weird company Oh. Oh, are you shitting me? I forgot to tell you. I've seen three mountain lions in my life. Like 50, 60 pounds at the most, at the maximum. It was 30 yards from the truck we were on. I mean, it's sitting there under a tree like this, looking at us.

1:40:52 IT JUST RUNS INTO THE TREES. I had seen this thing with my binoculars. and that motherfucker just by hook or by crook, The lady was running by. I had a feral cat when I first lived in California. that had made okay, they were under the, in Encino, Okay. And me and this cat slowly became friends. Like, I've never been a cat guy for one. Because I was a refugee, too.

1:44:33 I wish she talked to me the way she talked to animals. get down and exhausted too bad And then they don't want to talk to you. Really? That dog's tuned into me. Yeah. Good morning. A lot of people do. so when he sees me in the morning his tail's fucking going like crazy and we have fun together He was a big dog. outside go to the bathroom and then i pick him back up and bring him out back inside and then

1:49:33 I had to put her down. If you're not a dog person, I don't think I want to know you. Did your sister come over your house yeah Big Mac is like 140 pounds, the biggest fucking head you've seen. lunatic but or he gets fucking worked up and then scares the shit out of people but that johnny cash i remember And I said, this dog is so friendly. He'd been doing it for decades.

1:53:23 He runs to me like full clip and then I pick him up. It's like there's a missing thing in their genetics. So there's a whippet on the right, Oh, shut up. German boy. This takes time. It's like Roy Jones Jr. Jesus Christ, he's jacked. He was shaving already, and he had muscles. I was playing baseball, and there was this kid that I had. When I was playing baseball I was 13, I was playing baseball and there was this

1:56:00 years old. He's 11! Which kid's old? Yeah. Those are 11 year old kids. Yeah, it's not fair. I read about where they were talking about – you could be like a kid who's So those kids disproportionately become more successful at sports. are all born in January I think even Malcolm Gladwell. Okay. that fast trigger brain that doesn't let you just relax.

1:59:14 We were all working out way too much for one month. He was like, you're just a comic. When we wore the heart and motors. The fitness challenge. Yeah. And I made the mistake of challenging you. What were you losing your mind about? It wasn't the first one. Second one. And I'm sitting there at like 800 going like, fuck. He was doing the dance video. One, I got you guys on a John Wick marathon.

2:01:26 Yeah. Oh, he's hitting the red. All right. It was not healthy. on the treadmill and I went out in my neighborhood and I ran seven miles and I remember being so clear on my goal and going like I'd run to get my heart rate into the fucking green or the yellow You know when it turned dark? John wick like 150 times in a row literally ten times in a day I remember

2:04:15 He's like 60 Q. And then John Wick goes in the bathhouse and kills everyone. Jesus Christ. Like, I remember... Bert, this is a legit record-setting podcast. How many you, buddy. All right. Bert, this is a and write some articles. That's my question. She'll just yell out, Love you, brother.