Joe Rogan Experience #1715 — Jessica Kirson Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the Joe Rogan experience I mean, there would have been millions of people who would have been upset about the what a fucking nightmare i was so pissed i literally went to the microphone and said i'm Right. I mean, think about it. Killing. I felt a hand on me. Right? God. could not do because he had a previous engagement there's no way he could cancel it so we brought

3:09 He's like, we got to see the crowd. Subtitles with Chinese. I'm like, do you know that juggling But there's a lot. you're, you're just filming something, right? to that you just fuck it up. Oh, Jesus. watching a comic just like you would be if you were in the theater yeah i agree i mean less is Thank you. So then they put it on once. The problem with all these fucking apps and streaming services, it's like there's so many

6:39 You're not going to keep buying them. If you're a person that's, you know, I'm like, don't worry about it. And I did. of views that you like joe list yeah his new special has five million views i saw that it's I don't think so either. Are you kidding? It's insane. all kinds of things in politics and anything where they find that what you're doing doesn't fit into

9:49 That's Tuna. We're old. Vimeo's good. Well, we're in this weird class of humans that are allowed to talk shit and we can say things that we don't really mean that are like completely the opposite of what you're supposed to be allowed to say. No one really died. And people moan in the audience. You know, I didn't do it. people talk shit and they said crazy things that everybody knew.

12:03 I know. I've sat with a couple of my friends and been like let's just try And they're terrible. It's a pandemic. Was it Louis C.K.? also were people a lot of times that didn't have kids that don't have a family um and yeah it Some of the shittiest people online publicly were declaring that they don't want things to go back to normal. Well, now you're talking like a rational person.

15:32 i'm saying of course i judge people but like i would never publicly say about another comic like Like these people don't, and they don't have any real exactly that's what i'm trying to say yeah yeah and after a while i'm dying to see what this helmet looks like reggie watts was the one who told me about this Oh, my God. Yeah yeah There it is He's a fucking superhero.

18:16 Vinta RS1 in black. and it covers your entire head like a space helmet. Yeah, it's a fucking superhero helmet. fun it's cool it doesn't fog up and i'll get out into more light you hear the fan yeah yeah But I think he's brilliant A super unusual person that bitch right and when you would you'd be on stage like a spaceman like if it came to doing I took a little time off and then I did Zoom shows.

21:07 Made a prank album during that time It's called Call Girls great fit simmons did that many years ago he's so funny he's hilarious we were he recorded a but he's cutting this guy on the other end. And then like middle of the call, I'm like, Why is that so fun? and just... they never hang up on. The thing about prank calls is that the audience is in on it.

23:45 of my mind and sit with my friends and i remember when i was a kid okay this i do remember they came be like hi jesse it's mike you're like oh hi mike and then you would have this fucking recorded It's hilarious. Yeah. he's been doing it for two or three years y'all have 30 000 people watching this happen live I'm going to get canceled for what I just did.

26:31 Yeah, you can't even do an Asian accent or you're a bad person. I was called anti-Semitic on Twitter. But I'm on Spotify. I mean And you might dabble in Asian Yes, of course. You know? Why is that? I forget what I said. They built the fucking railroads. Yeah. Oh. Chinese restaurant does not mix meat and dairy because Chinese cooking is virtually dairy free.

30:30 See if you can find pictures of Chinese folks working on the railroads. Because it's one of the darker, more unsung chapters of American history. they're malnourished and hammering fucking spikes into the ground and putting There's one. That's a good one. Yeah, they's hard to see there's one that's a good one yeah they look And he had like a wall of screens.

32:13 I had to get used to doing them, And it's great, you know, it's amazing to do stuff on Zoom. I mean, my father passed a year, up in these screens. You have to like hit the next page and then look through all the boxes. I won't be alive at that point. A lot of people like anxiety ridden people. Hopeless, completely hopeless. and it was supposed to calm me but i don't know if you realize how big horses are it scared the

35:29 So this thing was like fucking huge. Who's Mr. Zoophilia, they're into animals. It turns out why Washington State in Washington State up until this guy died Nothing. A lot of people are watching this from home. I have to tell everyone watching, the size of the penis was your arm. Not like a legit website? It's a real video mr. Hands, but yeah, it is one

38:36 I wonder what the strangest one was, because it's not a horse. Yeah. You have no ability to jerk yourself off. You can't jerk off with a hoof Hold on It doesn't take long. Yeah. The horse goes, boom, take it. Oh, my God! Yeah. So that guy eventually wound up dying. people wanted to skydive and other people like well fuck that i'm gonna skydive off a building

41:51 and everything being fucked by a horse There'd have to be some way that the horse can get to your butt, or the giraffe could I think there's a lot of that. You know, the episode that you did of Your Mom's House Live, I don't think it had this shit no they didn't tell me the fans hundreds of fans kept sending me messages going i hope you're Oh, I'm so excited.

44:05 tom turned to me and went and i said don't i can't even believe i said this in the mic i said don't It wasn't human shit. And then he came in his mouth. There's people out there like that. Like, I get a lot. Right. Let's start with bad parenting. That makes sense. I remember that. Yo, that guy. And so he would, I don't know if it's true but he would uh hire women to shit on a glass table i i remember that yo that

47:20 I understand looking at it for some reason in a glass table. Like watch it. I mean, I like when it opens and things happen, but I don't think I'd want it to come into my mouth. A second away. out there. No, there's a guy who cut his dick. I don't even have one. Well, it's like that kind of self-harm stuff is very sad. That, absolutely. So these two guys are fisting, and this guy is fisting this guy's asshole, and he pulls

50:48 we talked about this before the podcast started is an amazing thing they've put together like a and Moshe Kasher That I can name, and a top flight female comedian, hire whoever they want, And even with the internet, the only way you could do it is if you create infrastructure the way they've done. like well patreon backed off not patreon um what was it only fans yeah only fans were saying we're

53:14 And then they realized It's a win for freedom. I'm sorry. But they don't want to be shamed. I mean I don't know And they still go to Chick-fil-a And they still listen Right. Clearly right. Yeah, it's so ridiculous. There another one I mean. Under the cup? Do they really? Yeah, like right here. Bible verses? Yeah. I was considering the name, too. That's hilarious. Under the Cup?

56:14 You know, Chick-fil-A pushes it. I'm like, they definitely do. That's how rumors get started. he just took the ball I did I'm like that's how to try to remove gay marriage, What does it say? marriage again. It's so crazy. It's so they get eroded away. Yeah. I don't know what's going on. We were out late last night I don't think that's going to help.

59:19 We're in Texas. There's everything else here. You don't have to eat that. I like chicken noodle soup. Really? I'm serious. Pastrami? Oh, no. That's a good one. I'm telling you. Oh, it looks good. Oh, look at that. Bagels. That looks legit. Oh, yeah. Oh, look at that. Pastrami. I can tell. It's from Cleveland, so it's probably good. accepted. If anything, I've had more stuff about it than anyone in my life.

1:01:15 My dad was a huge Trump guy. It's like, there is. did the whole, It's all over Twitter. And the guy said that during this pray the gay away camp, this man was behind him, holding you know they they you know because if he was was Orthodox and if you masturbate, you, you know, you, you waste seed. Why he's, and he's not really gay and he cannot be gay.

1:03:44 we're not going to be friends anymore. Yeah, that's him. I know. I'm going to send a video to you, Jamie. And that Jesus has saved him. He's super flamboyant. Do you believe that the Lord tonight A woman. Here we go. I would go to church if it was a black church let me tell you something I want Because I got a problem here. This is... Can you send this to me?

1:07:28 Oh, my God. I just heard the Lord say... They turned everybody gay. Why are they still hugging? Yes. Watch. He looks like he's nutting. Back it up. He's bucking into him. I don't have nothing to do with that. yeah we'd have to respect it Really? how'd you get started with that? Oh, well that's what it is yeah Testify? Yeah. and the people like fall down, like all their disciples.

1:11:53 He's back? Went viral in 2014. Text him. He's got his phone number out. He's just trolling for dick. Yeah, it didn't work. Okay. I'm healed. And there's like thousands of videos of this. cut this guy because this guy has magic chest and they like fall down to the ground like It's so obviously fake. Look at him. Look at his face. And they're just like, oh, hang out.

1:14:37 And McDojoLife on Instagram. It's a big thing. Oh, I knew it. And TikTok was like, hold my beer. Like if they do one of your bits, it's your intellectual property. crazy i got my video taken down and suspended for the third time because i said threesome in a video rather based on political discourse ideological discourse but they have hardcore porn. I know.

1:17:38 I just saw a video of that two days ago. I mean I think there's probably been they go like right to certain things instead of like, you like off the charts. Yeah, butt-fuck all day. So they would let their boyfriend In the suburbs in Jersey Like it doesn't count. You know? This world is a mess. Really? like having people go after you I don't read anything about me. I don't read a lot either. I don't pay attention. Do you read anything? No. I don't read anything about me.

1:20:55 It's one of the things you see about celebrities. But if you see those 3,000 tweets about you on Twitter, Right. it's shocking, but it's talk. He's like, oh my God, I suck. Exciting. And they're anonymous. the reason why i'm asking is because like you know i don't know if you know my stepbrother 2019, almost all of Facebook's top Christian pages were run by foreign troll forums.

1:24:28 russia wants is us to lose all faith in our electoral process they want us to lose all faith And they really are troll farms. Like it could be a Black Lives Matter page or it could be a Texas separatist page. And they'll get these people really fired up. there's no way to handle it and when you have these and separation in America. What do you think's gonna happen?

1:27:33 I don't buy into it at all. It takes a long time. Yeah, ketamine, which has been great for people with depression. You know, it's one of the reasons why I don't do it. My life is filled with love. I'm very lucky everyday society, but still remaining functional and being able to compete in the marketplace and nice sweet regular guy like you literally just sat down with me and I felt like I had met you 50 times

1:31:05 I know. they just read shit or whatever about famous people. They think of themselves being in that spot and they can't imagine it. can i get a picture holding your tits you know people are nuts right yeah and they don't know But that's, you know, he's a guy I really admired. So was De Niro. He's a huge director, married to Helen Mirren. And I, I was, I went to Florida to do an old age community fucking Jewish show.

1:33:47 I had no idea. So I'm like, Like he had jeans on and I don't know. He played a comic who had been doing it for Look at you guys. I just sat with him and was like, and we're still very close. How many kids does he have? Yeah, we like talking about women together. He has tattoos all over him. His chest. But I hung out with Harvey Keitel. I'm like, I am not teaching every old actor now how to do it.

1:36:51 No, he doesn't give a shit. Are you lying to me? A lot of them? Click on that. No, I'm not, because they might have put more on him for the movie. No, but seriously, it was after he had makeup done. Maybe he got them removed. He, he did have more tattoos in the movie. He did. Maybe he got them removed. Okay. and taylor hackford didn't even know Right?

1:40:00 is the first day of filming he goes you can't just this. You can't just come in here and screw up everything. set. Like, what is happening? like don't ever talk to her. I was treated like gold after that. So what you would think he is. That's incredible. It's his masterpiece. He pulls over these girls. Junkie, yeah. Daniel Day-Lewis and a few other folks.

1:42:56 that are just trying to be famous, They have this just like this precision way of encapsulating the character. But even though you know exactly who they are. We want that. Thrones is that- He didn't have another point of reference. You know, like Michael Imperioli is Christopher Moltisanti for the rest of his fucking life, whether he likes it or not.

1:45:16 No, it's Michael Imperioli. But then some you don't always see them as. Even in that Modern Family show, he's like a newer version of Al Bundy. when she was on It was great. It's dark. I play video games on my phone. No, you don't. I do. slots on your phone. Is there more of a waste Oh, I see. Yeah. That shit's rough on the knees. you even saying and i don't even google it it's with a smaller racket and like a do you want to

1:48:10 It's a small court Is this for people who can't move good? intense she is. The rules are what? Yeah. And she plays every day. like there's only a limit to the speed. It was invented by three dads on Bainbridge Island back in 1965. Oh, Seattle. pick up. Most racket sports Like you watch a video and all of a sudden making my own furniture. Yeah. Jewish people don't make furniture?

1:51:28 You know? Oh, my God. and then throw it across the room. Yeah. His looked pretty good. It was... Real obvious. Yeah. Slowly. Because here's my thought. I don't know, but that must kill. I have two on my back that killed me. Yeah. I heard on the top of your foot is horrible. That's a good sound. Because that's what it is. look like yeah it's gonna look weird and then. Then it's going to look like, yeah.

1:55:41 This is a very, they've had to work on this sentence so that it doesn't say tattoo. It's a non-invasive treatment that uses detailed micro needles to in 10 years? That's what I want to know. But it's like cool designs and women's heads and shit. Oh, he got it removed. I feel not confident. I got to the point where you can tell now I got too bald where even makeup wasn't able to hide how bald I was.

1:57:20 And that already shows right there. So it's actually been a long time coming for me to do something like this. They're cooking it. Look at he's cooking his head. It's supposed to be very painful. See, that's the thing. tattooed like i think he's got a wolf's head up there i think that's a better idea to just get it's like a i mean if you're gonna get a head tattoo you know that's incredible yeah well you

2:00:39 Is that Reggie Watts? Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah. I mean, it's like everything else. Incredible, right? They were unreal. give a fuck about it. the city itself austin is very progressive it's very liberal but it's surrounded by red And every microaggression is analyzed. and a loving place. Yeah. Seriously. You don't? Well, I think some male comics do help women like that.

2:05:58 figured out that's what helped me yeah that's I mean all the male comics in New York Like when you kill, people respect you and they love you. No, I'm not. in New York it's amazing to watch because one minute in if they're not a certain amount of resentment that they have for you being famous already If you wanted to get on a sitcom, there was like four or five people on each sitcom.

2:08:58 And they started having podcasts. Yeah. You've been in this. Boston. they have to work in the morning you can't be self-indulgent let's go such good crowds i just He was a Boston comic, and it detailed the rise of Stephen Wright and Lenny Clark and And the Ding Ho was a Chinese restaurant Down the street from Nick's was the Comedy Connection. which is kind of sparse but they always are on you know tuesday wednesday whatever the fuck it was

2:12:11 Did you just start doing, I don't know if you talk about this a lot on the podcast, What year was this? She literally said, every time there's people around you, they're laughing. Isn't that wild? I know, but I'm always impressed with that because. Yeah. There was an opportunity for me to chicken out, and I almost took it. It was like a real voice in my head that said, no, no, no.

2:14:13 I wasn't even good. What's a weird puzzle, right? Show and everybody was like praising him and his timing was so good he made you an open mic night and I saw terrible okay I can do this. Like, no one even smiled. I am delivered! But I think that's what makes you good You're looking at the bits and like, is this worthy? nauseous sometimes he looked at his act

2:18:22 defend them in court and saw me do comedy, Yeah, I don't, I'm never okay with jokes that just get, like, I want to rip the room apart. shane gillis last night and uh he's got these new bits that he's working on it's so funny because he Like I'm used to getting big laughs. You're like, oh my God. But it's just like it forces you to really think. But if you just start from scratch,

2:21:21 I'm planting seeds. stimulated by the stress you know yeah i couldn't do it yeah i write on stage a lot yeah when you You've got to write right. I'm thinking about it. you can't do that, you can't do this, you can't say that. So when I'm killing, that they'll let this controversial idea flourish and then they have It's weird. I mean, what a simple point.

2:25:12 They love getting people fired. The Republicans are the new punk rockers. There's a very rigid, woke ideology because comedy is dangerous again. Like people are so online attacks are so it's like such a part of the culture now. has like a very clear line in the sand, they'll just move that line a hundred yards to the left Yeah. I got into it and I said, I'm never't I did it I did it I got into

2:28:57 cues, you get no feedback. There's, there's no emotional interaction between you and the person Yeah. Because everyone's scared. It's weird. I would love it. That's sick. Well I have a website I'm serious. Maybe if you TikTok'd a little bit 8.6 million views son yeah that's tiktok that's pretty impressive holy shit i didn't even know So people, I'd love you to come out and see my shows.

2:31:54 I love having you.