Joe Rogan Experience #1729 — Gilbert Gottfried Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day Where I'll usually run into comics. Yeah. young folks they don't give a fuck about diseases. Yeah. No, I think even before, even before like it was the pandemic, movies, you know, it Oh, yeah. zanies at 8 p.m on friday but you'll be able to watch it from home so you could sit in your

2:54 Anyway, John, before the pandemic was doing these corporate gigs where they would bring him to a place and he would stand in front of an array of screens like 30 or 40 screens and he would do his It'll probably be more robot hookers because people will still be concerned about an actual It's true. Yeah. A 40-year-old woman who's walking the street is sad.

4:51 And they'd have like a pretty girl show up with her bicycle and go, I don't know how to operate this thing. Men don't get your break, Gilbert. yeah and like guys with puppies that's why they get puppies they get puppies to get the opposite Sad times. No. Now, did you get it? No, it's definitely dangerous it's uh i recommend Like New York City, everybody's on top of each other, which facilitates that kind of spread.

8:39 Yeah, yeah. Normal. You know, I'm up here saying dumb dumb shit and people are laughing and clapping their hands here at Vulcan we're going to do this. Yeah. as I've got my health and my TV works. And so the idea of packing my suitcase and going to the airport and all that, like going through security and the masks and the fucking fear. Yes, yes. And

11:35 Yeah, yeah. Oh. I'll just show you my phone. Yeah. I'll have these bits where I'm like, uh-oh, here I better hold on to something because uh because the you know the walls will crash down section yeah or faster or slower and it's like no they just go away they They go away. Sometimes bits do. Sometimes bits go away. Comedian's in his hotel room. and there's a knock on the door. He opens the door. A gorgeous girl is standing there in the sexiest outfit. watched you and you are so funny and so exciting that I got so turned

15:36 Are you working the road now? You're a lifetime New Yorker, right? The heat is intolerable. Yeah, yeah. No, they had written it. And my character goes, he's going to eat us like kitty chow. re-recorded it to make it sound more like kitty it yeah yeah where it's like oh he's gonna eat us like kitty chow to g r old-L ran great. Look at these little lines, though.

20:06 in time? Like he was going to be the singer? Frank's wearing a circus Those were the days. Like every generation does it. Oh, I'm sure in like 1403. Remember when we had just five fingers on each hand? Yeah, where it's like, oh, something like, I saw, because a friend of mine knew how to sneak into this one theater, When did he die? Oh, he's getting older?

23:45 Joe Biden-ing is a verb. There was this footage, like somebody on people's phones. But instead, it's the president. all these horrible things where after a while people are just wired up to machines. Right? And awaiting man than death. Boris Karloff was Frankenstein and the Mummy. Who else did he play? He was also Frankenstein in Ghost of Frankenstein.

28:15 wanted to do oh i wanted to do uh makeup for horror movies yeah like uh you know these these guys like That greets people at the front door. and so Lon Chaney was made up as the monster in that scene there's one scene But, yeah, I used to love those. Who's in that movie? movie that's hilarious they pulled the switch rather than the Sun coming out and

31:42 Is it playing? Yes. Way before John Carpenter. The original, original one. God, it's so bad. Yeah. stupid um i watched uh the original the thing recently yes way before john carpenter the a clear look. Is that what it looked like? because that was a good percentage of the films that were made were monster movies. because these were like real live monsters around them.

34:18 That makes sense. And so a guy would get shot and he'd be in agony in the trenches and the wolves would and said, let's stop killing each other, Also, you reminded me because we interviewed Sandler. They'd be on all the variety shows. just do everything as you normally do. It was just, I don't know what happened there or who. But it's so good. Usually I get angry when movies make no sense.

38:46 Yes. I was like, this is funny. And I think what Roger Ebert said, stop action looks phony but feels real. And he says CGI looks real but feels phony. But when you saw the CGI parts, you'd be like, ah, this looks fake. you know that it's not real somehow yes oh. Also, the difference between American Werewolf in London, Yeah, that looks stupid looks stupid yeah there was a

41:59 I knew how Chaney turned into the Wolfman by turning the camera on and off. The guy disfigured his face to make those movies tortured himself and and there was also like i was when the wolf was walking through Piccadilly Square. you get to see like a brief glimpse of its face no that was an epic Play that. Try to find the transformation scene. Yes.

45:06 fuck this was good Oh, my God. Oh, yes, That's this. Yeah. this one and The Howling. Oh, and then there's a dopey horror film Cat people? Look at her. They're all standing by. Let it play. I'm thinking, what, the other things weren't worth an oh, my God? Oh, finally. Anybody would run for their lives. Shoot him for God's sake. Cloverfield? Yeah, it's like psychological stuff.

49:47 tomorrow what the fuck Are you doing the improv? and for 25% off, use promo code Joe Rogan. closed, and so I would do those. Yeah. And you can make good money doing those? Yeah, it depends on, You could have rode down with them. Because a lot of them are falling apart. Yeah. Well, they just didn't have anybody working for Well, it always gets me when they you know, they'll show, to get a laugh, they'll show a politician or a singer on stage who says, I love you, Ohio.

52:58 Yes. I don't know why. and now i now the shortest amount i have to work i enjoy the most yeah i like weekends just friday actually you're doing your set you think that you're in the same mindset that you were in Yeah. It's not good for you. Oh, yes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And I should know, but I don't like an idiot. you know they were the known ones you know catch a rising star the improv

59:27 Everything has its time. Was it the Improv? Was it Catch? That was the first place I did in the city. out the window and there's that big awning of danger fields and it said like room uh you know The skipper, not the chief. He had to wear that stupid hat. And he had to wear his stupid hat, too. Yeah. And then we remember him as a legend. Was Amy Winehouse 27 as well? I think so.

1:03:07 Bob Dylan. Interesting. Geddy Lee. Neil Diamond. Lenny Kravitz. Lenny Kravitz is Jewish Neil Diamond, Lenny Kravitz. Which one? Yeah. We get involved in everything. Okay. How many really hot Jewish pieces of ass. Okay. Scarlett Johansson? Maybe you can get her Playboy pictures. That's got to be rough when a lady loses that. See Ringo the one they all laugh at

1:06:31 with us she knows so much about him like like what do you know what the fuck paul mccartney and then oh that was that was um linda linda eastman yeah so he was probably listen to this lady. Heather Mills, I would have. What was the number? I'm going to tell you right now. Yeah. Yeah. And why did everybody make fun of Ringo? I don't know why. But that fucking idiot with the drums, nobody respected.

1:10:46 That's interesting, right? Look at him banging on those drums. about Leonard Skinner. was prepped. guitar solos in the history of music. there are a lot of ones that even if they weren't originally planned out after doing them for years Unless they're not. And then you realize, oh, this is something that I do. There's a line, and I think it's network news, that one with William Hurt.

1:14:34 Hey, Jamie. And he says, when you find yourself just reading it, stop. But if I don't care about what I'm saying, the audience is going to know. Well, I was a fan of just, I was just a fan of show business and actors and comics. Yeah. Yes, yes. People joke and insult him, but boy, he does own props. When you want to shit on a band for being, like, a top 40 sort of, you know, cookie cutter band, you go with Nickelback.

1:18:17 And what school bus did she blow up? Yeah. You just look different. And bring you back to like when you're 20. But then you get Alzheimer's in a 20-year-old body. doctors and scientists and researchers that are looking at aging as a disease Yeah, they're trying to cure it. Yeah, where it's like where you'll go in and it's like you'll go, oh, I need heart surgery.

1:21:20 Really? Like, I know that some women are preemptively having their breasts removed because they have the gene that may lead to breast cancer. I mean, breast cancer is horrible, but is there a way to avoid it? Yeah, exactly. yeah sometimes people just have a genetic thing and yeah just things stop working and it just There was no accountability back then.

1:24:25 I saw it at Carnegie Hall. And then, yeah. on after richard pryor i followed richard pror for like five or six weeks at the comedy store when he was in a wheelchair. Yeah. And so while that was happening, I would be on stage. Oh, yeah. Like you did have that feeling. but it was called another you. really yeah and he's oh you're super funny you're so funny that even if you don't want to be funny

1:28:56 wait a minute, they actually exist in real life. and I'm like, what's up? And I'm looking at Eddie Murphy and I shake his hand nice to me. I couldn't believe it. And then I'm going to take a nap so I can talk to you. I saw him perform live in New Hampshire when I was like 21 in like 1988. You know what it's like? All excited. uh could you give me some advice or some pointers i always feel like underneath it is like, can you like press that button that makes me a star?

1:33:52 No one can do that. Yeah. In a weird way. And I'm talking to, I was doing like this little meet and greet after the show. Oh, yeah. And so I'm getting ready. They're just about to introduce me. That's so nice of him. And I went into one of these, like, porn theaters or whatever. Between what porn is now where people get it on their phone, you know, versus.

1:38:08 Yeah. Everybody would be all weirded out and they'd be just grabbing these boxes real quick, just Yeah. go oh jesus yes yeah right it's like well i remember in times square there was show world was one time I was doing, I think it was like a roast of Jerry Lewis. Yes. That one was scary. Yes. Yeah. Instead, he's asking him, like, why do you still do comedy?

1:42:00 Instead of just throw some questions his way, Yeah, when he was around, And some of the photos were like the marquee where it said Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis when they would do a live show. Oh, Humphrey Bogart. the year. Jeff Chandler. And when he opened it up, there was the Star of david and he took it off and it was Yeah. There was barely... There wasn't even cameras, right?

1:45:20 Yeah, they had photos, but cameras wouldn't be a thing. and it's like one little thing now you'd have it it from inside his body, the bullet coming out. Geraldo Rivera had a television show, and Dick Gregory and Geraldo Rivera showed the What year was that? I don't remember what the name of... Geraldo Rivera had like bell bottoms on. Oh, yeah. 1970s dress. Neighborhood jacket.

1:47:05 And I believe Time owned it forever, like Time Magazine, and they didn't do anything 1975. Yeah. So there you go night america host so 12 So I think here, if you could look this one up i think it was And are they trying to pretend that it is a workout that you can do with them? So they are pretending that it's an exercise show that you can do along with it.

1:50:19 I always talk about Elvis. and all of them claim, I mean, there's some moments where Elvis Yeah. Exactly. That wasn't rehearsed. michael jackson had hit like another another realm of that i i also heard like well the beatles in Like a narc. I think he had a gun with him. gun. See if there's a picture of elvis with a gun on his hip Oh, yeah. But that one where they're shaking hands with the collared shirt,

1:55:01 That was his trademark look. Yeah. There was no fucking giant rock stars before him. Well, there were some And I saw... maybe it was old people who were assigned to motown at one time sharp ones that went into the good pile and the other ones, the bad pile. And what I remember Let's see. like oh we're in the big time right well 15 20 back then, that's probably a couple hundred bucks today. Yeah. Yeah. So, but yeah.

2:01:01 And so he was one of the stars of that. Lorne Michaels left at one point? But back then it was like, no. All the original people were gone. Then you come in after you and then you can actually be accepted. And I would hear, you know, other people who auditioned who would say, oh, they were so hateful of everybody else who was against them in there.

2:04:56 And that they so I was waiting. whatever and i open it up before i even get into the office i open the letter and it starts off That's it? just toxic like everybody was like at each other's throats and just wasn't fun they were always like Some of those sketch shows are just so different than stand-up. one of those things that, well, the first thing, the first thing that actually made me

2:08:30 Were they paying you for that? And even better, my agents at William Morris, they wound up taking 10% of that. I forget how many years it was. Smoking, doing commentary. And then my manager sent my tape from MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour, big thing to be on MTV at the time was one of the best vehicles for you to get famous They did the MTV Half Hour Comedy Hour.

2:11:35 television stand-up credit. And now it's like say those names to anybody. And then Conan, he wound up, after the two of them left their shows, a show a bunch of times and he was always nice to me and it's like they offered him the Tonight Show. the time i mean what what happened there unless i'm missing something yeah unless i'm just not viewers right which is what they need for advertising dollars oh yeah and then they put

2:15:04 on other networks you were just pretenders. Like why does it have, like people know you're there. Which was insane. Such a strange. I'd like to know. Those I loved doing. like fairly late night show that a lot of different people, his ratings were so low. Oh, and they have that show and we only have this. like it may have been your show of shows with sid caesar that uh they they used to talk about how at the reservoir you could see the water drop

2:19:00 Really? They just have internet and they have Netflix or Hulu or Amazon Prime, yeah it used to be you'd have to hold it in when you watch this show yes you couldn't miss it's too short Yeah. But the risk of some moron talking on the phone. Well, it's a thing to do, right? when tv came out that's when movies started doing 3d because it's like oh oh, see, you can see this on TV. Right, right, right, right.

2:22:19 They had just three in 3D. And what do they have to do to make a movie 3D? And so he couldn't see if the 3D was working. Like in Disneyland and stuff, they have 3D stuff that works. Buona Devil. Barbara Britton. They're doing that on purpose. three stooges films made in 3d you know the three stooges shorts and according to what i've heard No, no. You know, hitting a hammer.

2:26:35 It was always violence. oh yeah they were horrible yeah popeye was one of those weird cartoons yeah real weird super violent i wanted to hold on to it when i went to bed because I love Popeye. That wasn't that bad. You know, eat your spinach, Billy. And I remember in a captain's outfit, and he'd nightstick. He'd show the Three All the people that worked behind the scenes knew it.

2:30:04 So after he was dead, how Jimmy Savile used power and fame to abuse hundreds of children for decades. Put that back up there so I can see it. there was something about Savile's cigar-chomping, when you scroll down, about an old-time movie producer guy, Yeah. You hear these stories about famous actresses that they would come in, they'd offer to fuck them right away.

2:33:01 insanely difficult and it takes real immense talent. Like most people who have half a fucking brain, you know, you can act. oh, yeah, she fucked everybody to get there. Or that's not why I got the show. wearing a skirt and crossing their legs and not having underwear. It became a thing. Like Lindsay Lohan, those type of gals. nah that's too much cause all of the photographs

2:35:23 I love the fact It was seductive. She did that on top of it. they say oh you know you see her pussy in that scene i thought i remember it was showing on tv And I'm thinking, so crooks break into a house and go, quick, let's watch. The thing is, what I was going to get at, if they decided to do an actual porn, their It'd probably make it more popular. Yeah. But if they just I guess Scarlett Johansson decided to do a film where she has sex with her husband and films it and then puts it out online or whatever. People would immediately lose their respect for her. Yeah, yeah. She would never get work again.

2:38:26 That's exactly what it is. That was putting me to sleep. Yeah. Yeah, some kind of cancer about the cast. Yeah, well, like TV movie with actors playing those happening. Documentary about the cast. could have been the ending. I felt bad for him. Yeah, I heard both of them. And then on top of that, you got to be chosen. Yes. And he's like, but I just gonna happen to me and he's like i i but i yes yes i

2:43:06 that's what's really crazy yes when you see porn stars that are just drop dead beautiful yes and Yeah. It's a little different. And I think when women. And they do this in movies too and Well, you definitely get desensitized if you watch too much of it. And that day, oh, remember that time? And a bunch of other, like, prominent celebrities are waiting in line to go see this film,

2:46:35 I wonder what happened. Like if you're a woman and you're like that and there's some guy behind you with a raincoat on, you're like, is this safe? no he made a film called brown bunny and in this Bunny. Oh, she sucks a cock in it. Yeah, and it killed his career. And then he's talking about all the different famous actresses he And then there are those movies with the rumors that the actors legitimately had sex.

2:49:15 And he panicked, and he's like, in front of everybody? Look at you. It's weird to me how everybody wants to have sex. Well, with some people, there's double standards, though. It's very strange. lot of people thinking that's what a fight is like yes they're out in the real world they actually But I've seen a lot of horrible beatdowns. Oh, that's right.

2:53:40 that would be a real issue i i could get my ass kicked by Stephen Hawking You look good Oh, God. Yeah, more so than being backstage. It's a weird way to make a living. Yeah. Yeah. It's a weird way to make a living, man. Oh, it definitely. And the other thing, show business in general and well, particularly comics and and that's that it's it's definitely two personalities that get you into the business one of them is you know i'm uh i'm great i'm great and the world is gonna

2:56:51 Oh, God, I'm terrible. Do you ever sit down and write? Oh. And like a handful for Playboy. Oh, really? I mean, I wrote a bunch of articles in National Lampoon. You know, it wasn't anywhere else. our articles And I'll go, They had like a barber shop where you could get a shave from a girl. That's hilarious. You know, one thing Playboy did that was interesting, they had good interviews.

3:00:50 It was like, and it was always the joke. I'm lying. And then Cameo. Yeah, Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. Promo code Joe Rogan. Yes. very much