Joe Rogan Experience #175 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Oh, wow. He was just sweaty and weird and shit. Well, you trust people who know the right people who are growing them. think out in the wild i've never seen that red top oh i've seen that man really that was on my It works in a completely different way with your body. psychedelic connoisseurs those people those terence mckenna type fellows and um that's one of the

2:17 us. But then... and then we went to the fucking center of the universe. Soma. Nobody knows what Soma is. think it's hard to tell because it was like a few hours and it really hadn't but nothing had changed It has a mycorrhizal relationship with birch trees. It does, but that's really what it is. Why the fuck else would you do this? Where's the proof of that?

5:03 They have elves. Amanita muscaria mushroom in Santa Claus. No. I'm going to find some pictures for you. single person that drew every single one of those lived in california dude dude you're retarded this This is like all... Yeah, but you look at the identity. No, I'm just saying that. Look at this one right here. But where's it from? I don't know in the news

8:01 the mushrooms They put them in the branches so they dry by the sun. apparently they make you trip the fuck out. then of course there's a connection What do you guys have about the mushroom thing? 420 people do that. Dead Sea Scrolls for 14 years. It wouldn't even be an encyclopedia Britannica. of that pagan holiday What's with the fucking mushrooms

10:51 That's what it is. and ancient people find out about it, Nobody knew what the fuck was going on. There was no fucking spiraling through the You know, because no one can understand that. No, man. But I think that has to do with the cow shitting. Fly agarics. I don't Okay. Fly agarics appear... has suggested the idea of Santa Claus He argues that Santa Claus

13:16 afterwards. these mushroom huddles... And they eat it and they trip out. Yeah, they do. But when people... The other thing about Amanita muscaria mushrooms so much and when people have these mushrooms and they trip out the people yeah they do well when people well the other thing about amanita pee i'm already tripping balls this is good this is good

14:11 aminida muscaria no it's the shaman talking components of it but apparently talking to several people have done this what this guy says is that in 1986. Those are legitimate. is what's the most fascinating thing to me. and I was like, I still felt like it's cool that I'm having drugs, la they don't care in la but i hope it stays this way you know it's the the real issue is the federal

16:19 The rest of it, shut up, man. we do we get rid of some of the government jobs. We read the John Hopkins study, right? Yeah. Those are just jolts of reality that you don't get unless you take a psychedelic. you sure and then i give you like one lesson and throw you in there with a guy like marcelo garcia bring back and remember yeah i'm like oh yeah this thing again that's right all about you know

18:50 It's all encompassing. well, there's distance between us and Mars. There's something everywhere. And vacuum there's something there's something everywhere there's a big difference between i feel like it sucks you out and just makes you see like you're That's like the thing about people today. We're dead. Ten years ago they said one out of two people

21:11 the little courtyards because you have wouldn't that be cool in those little houses with people that are eating did you really yeah it's a strange strange time for that live free yeah but that shit don't work that way make the new And then there's new people moving in. Is this really necessary anymore This is what they said. dollars in your in your in your ad budget this year or however much it is probably a lot more

24:28 I found something crazy. Hang on, hold on. But they really mean it's mushrooms are super good. I had the greatest time. because I didn't eat anything else the whole day. I think sometimes you get sick from mushrooms, who used to make them for everybody, I'm immune. Yeah, Baby Bird was no problem for me, man. And Bill Burr and Jimmy Norton. And they could get this kid to do anything.

26:50 There was an eggnog drinking contest. He's got diabetes. When did people start, like, chucking? I said, why don't you have this kid lean his head into the garbage pail and have Pat throw up in his mouth? 99% sure. I always am Yeah, it was one of those big tubs, a nice, good-sized garbage pail. Just find, just look up. I mean, he's hurling, just unloading. And you know what?

29:51 it's actually dangerous was it Sacramento Is it on break.com? It's just one of the most ridiculous things I've ever seen a person do ever. Yeah. And it was just like building and building. showing it to him in the fruit loops disgusting this is the picture it's the if you go baby bird There's massive lawsuits, massive... They said pretty much since 99% of people have cable, it's ridiculous anyway.

32:20 There will be a program that will be able to show you if there's nudity. No, no. breaking down that other guy. you've got to think, and the video wouldn't play. What people don't realize, They're basically providing a link to a website, a server that you pay for. bandwidth, unlimited storage. That's how they get you. trick you in that so they make you buy more more hard drives more computer more ram like what do

35:30 And then out of nowhere, my shit will crash. They can't prove it to you? cloud computing and all those other videos now it's just poor little site. They're just fucking trailing you along. They're making you bend over. He's a scary dude, ones you watch you just go what the fuck like what happened what happened between you know i always Did you, when you were young, did you have a girl that you were really in love with and

38:33 And so when that happens, it lowers your expectations. She just likes to fuck and you're like, damn it. Like, do you always date this type of person? They would go to the racetrack and to them, So they could fucking put it on. and everyone's broke and one guy wins a bunch of money, It spreads a little of the money around. It's a tough leaven. player out of all the skill games in the world

40:51 If you're not funny, our gig is death. Everyone agrees you're bad. Yeah, it's weird. You're like, what? Everyone agrees you're bad. Time in? You know, Yeah. I think there's enough comedians now that they don't ever have to do that anymore. I think comedy is coming back. the situation where he's selling his things online, Comedy is fucking great, man.

42:51 It's just a good, fun date. I'm telling you, man. It's just so fun to watch. Truckers the other day. That's way harder. $11 for the room During the day, they're still at full capacity in business. and they're drinking margaritas How weird is it that there's a third world It's like a very small and very exclusive island Super wealthy people. can get in a boat and just sneak up

45:39 They kill people that go into rehab there. I like how you said that, too. See? You're talking about I love looking at that old shit. Oh, yeah. Have you ever seen Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? When she was young, my God, that woman was hot. When she was young, though, man. the wall is undefeated I was really stunned and I was like really weird slavery purple yes i think i was either what color you know what i might not have well yeah i've seen

48:08 You thought what was color purple? Didn't he have a ton of grandkids that way? I wonder if you're allowed to. As long as there have been black people, No, that's what you would say to your slave. Grow my weed and smoke my dick? He's trying to joke. You doing Acme? So you fly into the mall? What do you got in April? I hit freezing rain once in Ohio.

50:23 Yep, all the way around. where black ice forms a 360 on a bridge word Oh, those are great. Oh, that's what he'd do? How many people hit him? And it was like people would start to go there, and they just couldn't stop. They have those videos online. it looks wet for sure and i got up to him like fuck it's just a sheet of ice a whole the whole ditches and some of them were like in the woods where the bushes were and shit and they just kept

53:12 Yeah. that ice, that's it, bitch. The ocean's frozen around this fucking boat and so they And you're thinking, it's going to pop. Oh, with the virus? They got rescued right before they died at old age, and they got sent back to the regular age. Fucking stupid plot. Yeah, it was like this and this and... Lost And I'm going to make 30 million Sure, unless you're some crazy person that's completely dedicated to always being the best ever.

55:46 Quit, quit. It was Jordan's time. So that was it. I remember by the side of the road in North Carolina. Yeah. People are funny that way. Yeah. on Conan O'Brien last night? say they they hate jewish people or something like that or like like like it was like so I just ran into him at the airport the other day. to chip wrecked and he used to like mock all movies like that even said he said

59:02 he chose to take the money but just shit on it afterwards? first time, that all these hipsters were angry at him for doing the Chipmunks movie. who were picked on when they were younger and they became bullies there's not all i shouldn't say the There's a lot of people. Yeah, now they're powerful. once about a bunch of well you know that you randomly

1:01:18 to do that to be on their fucking, Yeah, right? We're fucked. We're fucked. We're way ahead of ourselves technologically. Yeah, that's just how it goes now. Yeah, it's on Team Coco's website. Wow. You can't find... There's no YouTube Do they? That's weird, man. of liking Conan. But they didn't It is a weird thing that they had. Here it is. to spend a week on a cruise ship.

1:04:30 It's me. Explain that to me. It's a pun. And the scenes that take place on the cruise ship, And I'm in the middle of Todd Margaret too. is the personification Margaret, very funny show. I'm sure you enjoy it. and he's just fucking around. And then he said it's just a big commercial for Carnival Cruise Lines. Yeah. Yeah, I was the bit. Yeah. It's for five-year-olds.

1:07:44 But, yeah, it probably sucks to be him and Cross is fucking hilarious but yeah it probably sucks dude you fucking well you gotta look at it He was trying out some new material and someone was filming him. Just calling her fat and ugly. No, my friend did. Well, not only that. You could be angry and lose your composure a little your girlfriend just said

1:09:12 He goes, but what you didn't see is Like, after she said, oh, I'm so sorry, I'll turn it off. It's okay. He might say To be able to Don't care at all. on his blog. wrote it. Stanhope went after him So, of course, the swarms of human beings who went to this guy's website, And the guy apparently is a comic. you know like they saved it stanhope wrote on each photo. Yeah, Stanhope wrote some funny

1:11:40 he did it was so dumb. It's okay because people were reading it instead of hearing it? No. like I didn't want any recognition there's software now my buddy John Wilber No, sure didn't. Oh, one of the non-Jewish teachers. They couldn in. Oh, one of the non-Jewish teachers. Then fucking copy for the rest of your life. How come? Wow. Yeah. And the idea that no one ever gets pushed into our field.

1:14:31 No, you have to get some job somewhere. when you go through shit-boring classes in school. fitzgerald when is that going to come in your regular life never but you have to learn when It's supposed to be you're just going to learn. art right well you know we gotta we boxed ourselves into a bad situation as a species as a race as a civilization because we need a lot of

1:16:31 You ever meet somebody I've met very few stupid people. I've met a lot of uninterested... I shouldn i met very few i've met a lot of people but much more more people are uninspired than are stupid there's I mean, what have the guys lost? with autistic kids like the earlier you get them the more normalized you can make them really yeah reason because of their disease, and not all of them can do this, but the few that can,

1:18:45 and draw the exact scene perfectly. and he's like 11 years old or something nuts like that. impairment you know this inability to communicate and connect with people or whatever it is that And I wonder how many more of them we have now He's alive and making That's who he is. Keep it going. He invented all that junk for himself? Yeah. I don't want to downplay the

1:21:20 One of your clear Yeah, Just like doing computations click, Yeah, next to your computer, right? It's completely muted. It's not like it's coming through like a sound how fucked is that man how fucked is this some signal that's having a war inside your car plane full of people? You can't. out of the fucking sky? had the tray table it could be in danger.

1:23:52 What does that say? Were you? Two Singapore Air super jumbos and one Qantas. apartment building. Yeah, there was a bar, and they had magazines out and shit, Your seat spins. It's yummy food Yeah. I jerked off on the plane. up right turn so you can see him come through the netting right because they can see you down there Support yourself in that way.

1:26:44 I was on a plane once with And he unloaded. It's not processed that extra shit well, like that's like the first person you look to like fuck yeah it was him and the way I could never turn it into a bit. Just bring it to her, man. Look who your ass would be. Melanie doesn't have to know. before you let it go, but once you let it go, Word. Are we at one of those crazy pods in Brazil?

1:30:04 Husamar Paul Hares is fighting. They're like heroes. There's 35, 45, 55, 70, 85, 205, and heavyweight. um, it means a lot because George is out for a long time. The way they do that, it's a long road to recovery. they took from your kneecap and stuff it into your bone, Yeah, it's gnarly shit. Yeah, they use the Achilles tendon. He's so happy now. You know how they do that, man?

1:32:42 They cut it off. Sort of, no, because it's also an alien piece. And so then they go back and replace it? something that's who he's got no legs. Oh yeah he's got like this is an unfair advantage. you've got to deal with that shit. Somebody would make these skates, records jesus christ just from doing that yeah isn't that amazing yeah it's clever little monkeys

1:35:08 People that are considering being a bobsled person. They're flying in those fucking things. Herschel Walker did bobsledding for a while. Herschel Walker made them win the gold? He's like 47 or 48 years old now He's 48 years old That he has lifted weights Because he's not lifting weights had dude he's just mauled people he's such a fucking super athlete if herschel walker was

1:37:37 It made the Cowboys for so long. So since the judge has allowed him to postpone it, That they've had three fights now and that Marquez felt like he won two of those. The thing about Pacquiao is Pacquiao is a beast. with those wild combinations it's hard to bet against Pacquiao He has an artificial lens in his eye now now margarito does because of that fight yeah and pacquiao was 15 16 pounds lighter than him easily

1:39:52 Oh, that would be crazy. like the biggest possible. But he starved himself. You know, he's mostly making his body eat itself. He should make a way in front of the fight. You'll just fire your way. They used to have the day of. You lose a lot of weight during a fight. All those guys look so weak when they're at the weigh-ins. I don't care. I love them.

1:41:53 If he wanted to, he'd get to about 300 pounds. That's not just time, dude. They should rename it all of those Brazilian steakhouses, I was like, dude, keep coming with them chicken hearts. And soccer and everything, you know? There's a lot of places in Rio also I've heard where people go to get good but cheap plastic surgery. chill out on the beach

1:43:55 I'm excited. There's a Brazilian wandering spider Really? Okay. And this is happening to all your muscles, you'll be fucked. Can you go to the doctor immediately? I'm 100% not worried. I Oh, it's in the jungle. I don't know. yeah any city in the world and you know not really We need to give you some alpha brain. It's fascinating. predators. for a couple of days.

1:47:27 Sounds good. Oh, quinoa. Yeah. Yeah, I like almond. It's really easy to make by yourself. But there's a lot of good recipes online to make. You're just buying almond milk. If you're like going old school. Yeah. Yeah. They were amazing. What do they pickle it with? Green cucumbers? It's fatty and they slice it real thin. There was one time I got green blots on my home.

1:50:32 Real close. Cantor's? All those old pictures since the 70s, especially the pastrami before we go throw the battleship around. Yeah, in February. He's so friendly. He's like, I'm going to go on. And it's like, you can't just go, oh were talking at the improv He's like I'm gonna go on Yeah That's insane it's more than 15,000 really when the laughs come in it's a pretty nuts. Yeah, it's just so many people. It's a lot of people laughing.

1:53:04 Paul was a lot longer. That place in Boston, that upstairs in that Chinese place. it was like they all hear each other and react immediately well also so it's time to laugh man like that yeah you have to because otherwise you're looking at his ass, you know, Yeah. I don't know. Some people are just not happy with what they're doing. dropped off though I know I talked to people that worked in places where he was at,

1:55:31 was you know it was kind of questionable i shouldn't say questionable but it was uh he Louis is a nice guy. I mean, Zach Galifianakis. You know, it's like. in that world anymore you're not attached to those people or Dane Cook, when people are shitting on him You're not doing anything. Well, he filmed three movies last year, It's a really great album.

1:58:32 What was that? Bobby used to have a girlfriend No, we didn't really talk about it. Man, it's too bad. Yeah, nobody. not doing any stand up you're a little at the store get out on again until Tuesday. Once in a while, It's fine not to give me Done. A lot of your shit is visual. yeah that's visual you need that part that's a big part of why it's funny but how are you gonna

2:01:11 Yeah. And you'll be in Chicago at the same time. We're going to be at the Chicago Theater on January 27th. Fuck flowers, get me the cards. Yeah, pretty tight. Houseofcomedy.net. Houseofcomedy.net. You could meet a new girl and fall in love you will get 15% off the number Click on it for the link for Alpha Brain. And I got Steve Rinella from, All right, you dirty freaks.

2:03:47 and at the top you doing shows oh You're doing a show there? I guess iTunes ooh yeah Thanks for everything.