Joe Rogan Experience #1755 — Tony Woods Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. All you need is a mirror when you're doing your hair. Hey, I'm coming out to see you. And what? It's over. Like, I guess. Creeps up on you. And you up there, you like. A college in the Bronx. it's me like if someone's bombing too I can't watch that yeah that is. Gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of here. I gotta get out of there if someone's bombing, too.

2:59 Right. I peed on the floor but there's some bombings This is how you do it. Do a little crowd work, Cause they not, You do a little of this, do a little of that. Like remember the place we used to do, And I would go, whoa, whoa, whoa, easy with the laughs. That's a thing. it was mainly Latino Puerto Rican crowd. Back in the day. there's a reference.

5:35 that's who you reminded me of. you're like the young, It was like he was, you know, wasn't in the best of health. It's called The Lonely Ass Bike Club. You see my face, and whatever's on my mind just pops up. Right. and like you're talking he just has a Yeah, but that's the thing that fucks comics up more than anything is the consistency. One person who has a vision, and the other person's like, man, I don't want to do it today.

8:24 I'm like. I'm like, when I hear my own voice, I'm like, oh, is he drunk or something? So it's just boring. The worst is when you record something, and then you keep doing the bit because the special They redid it. There's oxygen in it? I think it's just got good vibes. Let's keep it moving, man. Do you think they really do pump oxygen It doesn't seek out because there ain't no windows.

11:46 There's no doubt that the casinos keep the air chilly to give that same effect, You smell that oxygen, baby? and what's there not yet nothing was coming out just think about and sing it It was just like a pause? He complained about your style? That's hilarious that someone would complain that you're doing so great. You remember you woke me up one time?

14:37 I'm like, dude. The Balls and Comics It's not PlayStation. So there are a lot of people in that war, they had that Gulf War syndrome. I used to be like super energetic. Like you watch my old but I slept more too hey man You know, something. wouldn't have picked up the phone like I'm like, hello? He goes, Petty Officer Woods. So that phone call, the hold, was just to get you to go overseas?

17:35 Yeah, I know. It is. Yeah, because it's too many people. little islands the best thing is is the drive. Like you leave from Miami or And they have a Caribbean accent and everything. fact fucking jimmy the last time i was down there i i saw a place and they had temporary tattoo in like two days it was a conversation piece He says, you're coming to the reunion this year.

20:54 Isn't that crazy when you do the math? fights he's he's he's gotta he's gotta be. And then when he did comedy, his comedy special was better than a lot of comedians. He's just, you know, he's a professional boxer. And everybody was way bigger than him. But when he was in his prime, Wah. And I just never thought about it. And because when you're a bike messenger, you stop stuff. I always got, like, crossbars and stuff like that, and I just never thought about it.

23:22 Did you have to ship it over here? You need to get it fitted. But like she was saying out there, it's really intense. on your left, like fuck you you you could have went around me already hurting Yeah. and they're speaking Spanish in the front. oh jesus hey eric neves um yeah that's because i've been with him for 20 years man they seem to be delicious I've eaten grasshoppers the chocolate covered ants

27:14 So you were eating mice? That was another time. Ooh. Stop the conversation. I keep telling people how funny Reggie McFadden was. But it was stand-up in the 90s? He said, I speak English very well, probably better than you. Is he doing stand-up? Because he's like, the people go, I didn't use a condom because she looked like she was cool. Remember the bit he did about the pretty girl always has an ugly friend that's trying to break into the house and stop you from making out with her?

30:45 I saw him at the Champagne Comedy Club in Mount Vernon. Do you remember he was on a Dr. Pepper commercial? But everybody's like, yo, look where you've been. See, that's when I was gone. They did a documentary. It's of little clips of something like that yeah yeah that might be me and it's all it's Dave it's Tommy Wow. Why? No. Back then, it was Coming to the stage from my hometown, the nation's capital. D.C. This brother you know started out in the D.C. area. Coming to the stage from my hometown, the nation's capital.

34:03 is a phrase coined by the great Andy Evans, then it must be so. So many people who are big names now A brother with a hundred dollars ain't got a shot. All the biggest stars. because we live a white collar, Dave Chappelle, Chris Paul, Huggy Lowdown. And I use my wit as a defense mechanism to push them back. I can name 10 famous comedians, If there's a battle, we're in the finals.

37:38 completed? Is the film out The sizzle is dope. They have the D.C. Improv. Yeah. Because the internet guys, everybody loved to go see him. They'll sell out multiple nights in a row. It's fucking seven seconds long. I'm like, you know, all together, she was so popular Wow. This is her. Hi. it cuts. today? It's better for you. Tammy. thanks oh honey that's why you don't have boyfriend I do for you long better

43:16 But she was selling out the venue. Fire. middle set out to an hour so they had to take that 25 minute set and make an hour out of it. But he had a I would was selling out all over the place. When he did Michael Jackson. he murdered so fucking hard. about cocaine. who's not here. And Angela Means went on, a friend of mine, Butch Burns, who's also from D.C., he went on.

45:56 I came out. power. oh we're gonna at the Comedy Connection Just killing. Yeah. Yeah, for sure, for sure for sure you a grown genius man. You could, I'm like, what are you talking about? What? He just passed away. I was clapping too, like, where's Tony Woods? so the next morning my wife would say she said what did you talk about And she didn't laugh.

50:30 Like, man, you know, Because all day long, I'm like, what the fuck am I going to do? Like other comedians. And then this guy in the front says, his leg is shaking. right what do you want your light means you want a two-minute light, three-minute light, four-minute light? I said, good night, Tony Lewis. And I sat there and was kind of short-lived He says, from the pro side, we got this guy.

53:14 She said, you have been coming here for over six months. I'm like, okay. So I went, on. I'll be right back. I'm They all come up and go, Like he just overdid it. He said, I grabbed him in the car and said, bitch, you better't what you said. You said, hey, motherfucker, how I get paid? He just overdid it. And he goes, whoa, hold up. there with my wife.

55:25 It was a public access show. I didn't get paid, but from the public access show I got paid. did well that's public access and now yeah we've been rocking ever since what So one year in, this guy's in the audience from BET. you're going to drop off your packages to another courier Stu Perkins I'm like, what the fuck is that? And then, Joe, right after that, there's a contest called the National Lampoon Comedy Playoffs.

58:26 Everybody had their rooms. It looked like the fucking room in Hangover. I'm talking to all the working comedians. And everybody's like, yo, we're going to go get, Everybody's like, what the fuck? and then on top of that I fucking but they go, how do I see him? Right, you're supposed to do seven minutes, TV taping. Because you hadn't gotten on stage.

1:01:22 and Sue, I think Sue Miller or Sue Murphy. And everybody was like, is this the guy? And did you ever see Old Brother Wild Thou with George Clooney? what do you call it, intermission, and then one or two more guys. Everybody went, ah! Then she sit down to eat the food. that's the guys the soggy bottom boys and then that and then so boom no one they just go from this one accidental comedy special yeah now how come you

1:04:09 Oh, when was that? He know me. man. D. Oh, What was the black dude with Jack Benny? but it was very, Rochester Anderson. Standing there down there Right there Rochester looks a little bit No that's Marilyn Monroe Like he It seems like there were Women didn't even know Oh on the news Okay, yeah. I watch too much movies. He don't know why people's following him.

1:08:18 Motherfuckers is just following me. I say, yo, good set, man. to that guy who plays Eddie Murphy's son in the new, what's his name? Oh, okay. You know, who used to always say that? Where we go? you that like man i need to get out like an hour special because so many people would come to see Yeah, they are. During COVID. I was doing Caroline's. Like, imagine in over 30 years, that was the first time I slept in the same bed for more than, fuck, 10 days.

1:13:03 Dave's like, yeah, man, once you're to your AMA, you got to do this. You smoke outside. And everybody was there. I'm sure I got it in January. You remember Caroline's. because it was snowing. After that, How many more hands you need? like man I thought you did but he only had a cut over his eye and we have been anything except for barry barry said uh well why would you say something like that, man?

1:16:00 No, you don't. Wasn't working at Caroline's no more though It just Yeah, it did. and Wiz, That ain't the compliment I want. and it was kind of, Oh, David's doing Earthquake too. Yeah, he's a local comedian from Washington, D.C. area. David. David Chappelle. Oh, David's doing it. Dave's doing Earthquake, too. Beautiful. I've never met a man as good as you at comedy

1:18:20 and then it'll be a yellow light and i go i can make it yeah it's um it's a funny thing like there's there's these guys that we all know that are And, like, people kept coming by to go, hey, up y'all comedians yo man you funny oh man you Well, some people, they're reluctant to give you compliments. special I'm assuming it's gonna be on Netflix hurry up cuz motherfuckers is

1:20:44 We got him vitamin drips and monoclonal antibodies. Mike Robles was sick, I too oh yeah I think he was She says because she could tell you was having problems with your English, Her grandson was like, yo. walking to the train, I noticed people used to always go, I don't know. They were asking me. Yeah, it's all good. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I'm ready.

1:23:43 You in a drag race. They watched the special, and you still are angry at him, and you missed the point. yeah I said well fuck that I'm like nah fuck that But it's like they got a back room with karaoke. She comes in with the police and shit and she's like there and and the girl you know because the girl and the policeman and the and the manager the

1:25:57 And what happened? yeah in the green room yeah let's go do this let's go and you said yes Can we do this? He goes, do they sell chicken fingers at Pizza Hut? and like, can I stick it in your butt? it's funnier when Kevin do it it was like we started doing comedy in Portugal? What is that? Have you heard of Queen of the South? No. No, he's like, that's him right there.

1:28:55 How do you say his name? He lives in Portugal it is in Portugal Oh, yeah, he was amazing. They said, you don't remember that? That guy, he was a fucking asshole. He's that guy's henchman. cartel mm-hmm so like how how Pablo Escobar was the cartel right they're Of Paris. It's very good. who weak and drunk, man. Well, he's always been one of the most prolific guys.

1:32:58 you don't put on it yeah exactly that's how all jokes are it's like bits some of them though come out right out of the box And the booger was on me, and then I said the transit cop said, He just had like a little arm. that I was messing when they like girls? was a big joke maybe that's why things ain't working out it's just the kid it's It went right on the guy next to her.

1:36:04 So when you were in France, they understand English? And I don't make it too American, you know? And, you know, nobody goes to, you know, he's like, everyone rides the subway. Nobody. Right. Yeah, there wasn't. And, you know, it was, mixed together three languages and um You know, some valid points, some funny nuances. Like, what kind of, do they have comedy clubs up there?

1:38:28 Like Oh and the fucking the the air is just full of horse shit yeah and i'm like i'm not no not smart yeah Yeah? Yeah. It's like it wasn't Tom Rhodes. like talk show a lot more Tony Rock or no shit like that. the dad be black, We're like, wow. in the Netherlands. From the cellar? I'm still here for my spot. These guys are like, yo, I know this guy.

1:41:57 Suriname? He said, man, everybody in Suriname loves you. And then they called me up going to Holland. And everybody think that you go over there because it's legal all that stuff and then they got the weed and the mushrooms and the Space cakes? and then I'm in the room and I'm laying down. because I was like, I. And it was a good thing I was on the phone because I was like,

1:44:23 So when I was going to go downstairs and she says, Take that off me. Have you indulged yourself? not go out tonight mr woods i'm like i'm i i'm good and then of course they went back downstairs But anyway, he says, yo, that space cake was horrible. Like Joey Diaz. tolerance yeah because i don't have too much tolerance for marijuana they'll fucking ruin it for you like joey diaz

1:46:56 and the lady says what do you what is what do you want us to do i'm like i don't know how to work That's good, man. No, no. And I like that if you do a special at a club, how many I know you're not supposed to do that, I heard. That's the worst. the woman from my podcast, Maya, Well, I changed what around? And they was like, OK, we want the transcript. I'm like, mm.

1:50:17 There's a part when I say I went to acid I smoke weed and I stepped into the television and I went to Africa Boobies? the little bullet points of what i was going to do and all that shit. And plus, he like, man. word and you understand you don't even understand funny like every time I watch So you literally don't know when you're doing it. people say that we remind each other

1:52:27 Because I watched the podcast. Well, you know, we'll probably do it on such and such time. You like, all right, yeah, cool. for people who march to the beat of their drum and they got all kinds of different titles for people who march to beat their drum, him because he's he's autistic i'm like i don't give a fuck if he can paint i'm just saying son

1:53:55 Point you in the right direction. a camera at you yes and I would go really somewhere else to the fact that the cameras especially when they be going I did 20 minutes on BET's Comic View one time, too. to Bruce Bruce. Listen, I had drove 17 hours to get to New Orleans. plans we's gonna go I don't know he said but it was produced by Ruby Ray he said

1:56:10 you gonna get it right I'm doing my special in Austin. There's a lot of great places. Do you have a night? Well, next time. You got a website? On the 30th of December, I'll be at the Arlington Cinema and Draft House. I think they sent them to me. and Drafthouse in Arlington, Virginia. We've been up here for like four hours. January 16th and 17th February 11th and 12th

1:58:56 That's not in the thing. You should probably put them up there. Okay. The 7th and 8th is before that. No, man. which what is that one that's a deer that's a white-tailed deer oh that this Fairbanks, Alaska. 150 i gave him this is like in the 90s 150 put it in the um put in trash bag came back He said, can you come back? Don't mention mermaids? It was a swimming person.

2:02:16 But anyway, me and this little French boy, and they said, don't swim in the lagoon after dark. From a distance, 10, 12 feet long, man. We're like, no, fuck that. Really? a human being? the back of him in them waters. And the guy who does the horseback riding, you know, you can ride horses. And He says, yeah, it's maybe not a good idea to go around going,

2:04:45 that if you ask me nobody told me you definitely won't believe We'll let everybody know. like how you know how the island is shaped like this, Tony Woods with a Z. I don't know, but I'm the first Tony Woods in the world. I'll see you at the Arlington Draft House Thursday. Thank you You know You did.