Joe Rogan Experience #1761 — Jim Gaffigan Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day I wouldn't need anything. Most people did that. Most people, I don't think that works. Most people did that. But this is not like even PCR tests, right? know, but now go to a commercial break. And like, they just kept, we still don't know, but like you Right? people that's about something that's fascinating to me. I just have a very unusual memory.

3:44 How have you not self-destructed where you're like, you know what? I go on my meth bender do you know what I'm saying like how have you not self-destructed I'm not good if I just take a couple days off. I got the Omicron. Yeah. Yeah. And when you go to bed in your chamber, right, in your tank, It's really good. You put mustard on your elk meat. I have not.

6:46 happy. He's like a bazillionaire. his liquor company, then he's going to be like, I've been approached by some companies to do stuff. I like bourbon. had it i drank some 21 year old scotch it was pretty expensive it was really good though oh Yeah. Like, that's It depends on how many podcasts I do and what kind of animals are in here. the gear no i mean honestly we love burt i love him to death but i we like tom is his best friend

9:57 A hundred percent. that are the most dangerous to just quit cold turkey. Really, I'm pretty sure I'm pretty sure she went cold turkey off alcohol see if that's true We'll find out shortly. Yeah, but I bet she did that all the time. office in a high stress job alcohol is almost like mandatory for those people just to like unwind Oh my Jesus. I mean,

13:20 all right. Yeah. And he's like, and I'm like, but it's 15 minutes. like to really get a gig, i remember giraldo was like he wanted to tour and i was like i just want to be a writer on letterman And then he had a couple afterwards. respect him, out some really serious stuff. Do you know what I mean? I think he had 20. Maybe he was in the beginning. But if I had the opportunity to talk to him,

17:42 Look at all these specials. So what is the total number? every year that's so interesting i thought it was every year. I felt like it was too. First 12 specials. Where you just had up. So these are all spots on television shows. I know that he went through a period he dealt with. Yeah. I mean, the wordsmith is just so extensive yeah he would write out his entire

21:08 Right. But the whole thing of Carlin, just the volume was insane. a yellow legal pad. That's not legal. Yeah, at a bar, like a kid. Oh no. It's like. Those are wild. It's a good way to put it, though. So I'm not going to write about the pandemic outside of these CBS Sunday commentary. Yeah. this for quite some time. Oh yeah. And there's going to be a lot of anger. There's going to be

26:20 they have this ability to let off some steam. kind of looks at their parents like those idiots right and our kids are like those idiots it's just like you know these things shock therapy might work it might humans are so stupid. Well, it might not work on everybody, but it might work on some people. Nixon. And then once his presidential vice presidential candidate guy turned, you know,

28:55 We, our elections essentially run for two years. That's what's crazy. It's the cabinet. Stephen Miller. But like it's like. Would you get butt implants? I didn't like my flat butt And I think the decline between what happens now- Yeah. So many wars have started is Do you think that the entertainment industry is about money? Well, that too. He's going to go out to dinner in Kentucky, and he's going to be harassed by a Trump supporter.

33:56 They don't care about. Comedians care about the respect of their peers. and they always seem to be living in hell. Well, I think there's something about the ambition. And the public perception is so off on this is that what people don't realize is that comedians with completely different views that comedians are these weird kind of misfits I know very little about country music, but the sense of community there was sincere.

37:44 If you see someone and they do a 20-minute set and they fucking murder, you the fold yeah if you see want someone and there's different tools that people have. Oh, wow. So what that means to everybody else at home, She goes, oh, just, you know, But I almost feel for her because she didn't know that. that's the number one time yeah there are certain things that uh yeah there's you know authenticity is a really important attribute

41:22 It's all selfish. There's no one doing that. And my life, my instincts are I got to get the fuck out of Dodge. instincts are always just to do what I do. What do I want to do? I want to get out of here. So I'm going. I'm going to do what I do. And this is what my instincts are always just to do what I do. No one, even when you're told you're funny to do stand up, you have to, not only do you have to get up there yourself, but you also, now it just sounds like I'm patting myself on the back. No, but it's true.

43:36 The bombing should be enough pain And by the way, the term bomb is a gentle description of public humiliation. But like I was sitting next to him and I'm like, he's a fighter. Wow. He also got all the good stuff, right? But then you're moving to Arkansas. Yes. I think he... Wasn't he, he was on like Fox or something? And so, and Bill Hicks also, right?

47:14 Hardcore. No, no, no. And they're in a lot of different cultures. epic moments where most people were wiped out and they survived and a lot of these stories Why do we assume it's a he? Yeah. It's very interesting because obviously I'm not in a 12-step program, but that is a faith-based thing. I'm not fighting that guy. I just think it's so hard to not be.

51:56 And then they go to a bar and they meet Lady Gaga and then... So even your relocation to Austin, to this address, which I'm going to announce, no, You know, maybe an alcoholic who was drinking at 5 p.m. I'm like, you just give me the money, man. and they were running comedy clubs. No. And they would leave. They would go to other places and the other places people wouldn't know

56:02 And I'm like, you can move there too. uncomfortable don't you That's hard. And then I have my oldest who is probably like one of the nicest people I've But my children grew up wealthy. it lights a fire under your ass to go out and do things because Yeah. I mean, that. Here, let's do it. will be adopted by some and there'll be a divide between people that think you should have early

1:00:17 That's what's terrifying about the direction this country's going in Yeah, but it's not a vaccine because you have to take it all the time. But this is my fear. Or whether it's a president Why? system. And they're already buttering people up to it. There was an article on Yahoo If you allow access to your browser history. It's kind of like free Wi-Fi if you give us your birthday.

1:03:03 It's a good thing. train. Exactly. That kind of shit is how they divide society. And that is 100% on the table the bad guys i think if you look at the way the far left behaves with antifa lighting fucking if they got to the point where they were protected said that their protests were mostly peaceful. Patriotic because they have an American flag bandana and a fucking Molotov cocktail

1:06:27 He would have done that. Exactly. When you talk about like the social credit score, but like I look at it this way and some of it is I'm a comedian. and it's this powder keg I think it's probably not going to be good. in numerous states. I'm not talking about Kennedy winning Chicago. And it's like, this is a thing that people have always- when Trump won.

1:10:26 But I also think there was, without a doubt, agent provocateurs from the federal government Have you watch that? insurrectionists. protesters who got caught up. And you know there were some her and carried her off or maybe even Very lucky. Like if they were in the wrong place at the wrong time, they didn't anticipate that. He's mentally ill. can't i can't begin to to contemplate the the mindset of mike p Pence over the past five years.

1:13:26 And by the way, this is following up two stand-up comedians talking about the amount of shit that we've eaten. vice trump yeah well that's what he's going to have well who the fuck and by the way that's And so was McCain before him. she could definitely do that. Well, it's also we want a female president, right? And to have Yes. We want someone who is, when they represent the United States of America,

1:17:33 think that that's what you and I think. I think that the reason Trump came to power is probably because there were a lot of people that didn't feel that way about Obama. He would beat Trump. you look petty and it makes everybody not they think of you as what he's to happen. And she won over New Yorkers. And I'm not talking about just the city. She won over

1:19:36 Yeah, I don't know. What? He would win. He doesn't want to. Yeah. He was like, you know what? I'm not going to fall into this trap. He's smart enough to a good framework to be a governor and then he Like, do we give these beautiful people a pass because we like to look at them? You had one drink. Yeah. It's odd. No, but like – You went on like a liquored up Twitter rant about him once.

1:24:17 I know that. But with Trump, there's just this allegiance that I was – and I was sitting with my five kids and – not sitting next to them. They had Lou Holtz, you know, say he's not Catholic. Do you know what I mean? You know, he didn't care either, really. I lost a couple things, you know, and I was like, I didn't regret it. They know that it's really you.

1:27:22 And I was making fun of him. Like, I know you're a big QAnon supporter and all this person. And I was making fun of him. I'm like, I know you're a big QAnon supporter and all Yeah. Is that what it is? By the way, I've gotten, you know – definitely got some death threats from that Twitter. that he stands for someone who stands up against career politicians,

1:30:07 Yeah. He could see the future and he saw. Ego that leads to nuclear war, nuclear catastrophe. And you'd be fine with DeSantis? in Florida the way it collapsed in many other places. It turns out, especially when you adjust Make more access to medicine and health and don't fire health care workers because they don't want to get vaccinated when They didn't have, you know, they didn't want Sanjay Gupta to be like, well, Anderson, all

1:33:30 A lot of this fat is muscle. trying to make up for it, I guess. No, but I, uh, you know, I definitely felt a lot better. It's so good. It's on my Instagram. That's my kryptonite. I talked to my doctor about it. He goes, that is inflammation will hurt. And it's inflammation. I talked to my Yeah. I mean it's delicious, amazing paste. And sourdough bread, in general, has less gluten than regular bread. Oh, really?

1:36:48 He's explaining it to me. Really? You spread that all over that bread and just... We're good to go. That's Darius Rucker who was in... Who do you love? Interesting. So that's when they But it still wasn't like corn syrup, like where it was prevalent. During the 18th century, sugar became enormously popular. And there were these pirates and they're like, hey, you can free reign if you attack the Spanish.

1:40:00 It kind of makes sense though if you think about all these different civilizations throughout history that were run by tyrants and evil warmongers. trading with europe with asia and all these different things and he sort of was waxing they're eating meals. and have a sharp point and impale that'd be more accurate yeah and I think he was he also like took over the army when he was like 14

1:42:25 Look at that. Yeah. Scroll back up. India are probably going to take over, right? Tennis player. Is he gone? It's a completely different kind of government. Yeah, they did it really quick. And then not only that, they're doing it in all these other countries where they're giving them loans that they know they can never take back or they never pay back, rather.

1:45:41 And so, but wouldn't corruption, again, people get greedy. over china china was like no thanks and the brit like, okay, here's some free opium and pull that up. It's like, it's a dark history. And so that's the fentanyl kind of creeping in. yeah it is They added it to Tesla's. So there's TikTok in Tesla? is Tesla I mean I think Tesla's going to be in business

1:49:30 Is that true? Don't just guess. Don't just guess. But as a company, I think Tesla, the company, Do you have a driven one? Well, why don't you Google it instead of thinking? Whoa. First automaker to reach the milestone. Soon the production sales volume will reach 1 million per year. So they sell more, man. Thank you. How much does the F-150 sell? I wonder.

1:51:38 So, like, every year 2020, the amount of autos and light trucks sold in the U.S. dipped to around 14.5 million units. Oh, it does right there. going to invade Taiwan. Who sells the most cars. freedom of the press and they started after you do this podcast. It's fascinating culturally There's a subway station in Moscow. Yeah, it's no joke. Wow, that's fucking beautiful.

1:55:11 Like there's different museums in Warsaw. And one in six was Jewish. the Polish fight the Germans the Polish finally took over then the Russians came in took over the have been dealing with this for generations. He talked about the Khwarizmian Shah who went to visit Jin China And as they got closer, people were dying just from sickness from the stench of the rotting bodies

1:58:11 Well, by the way, it's like Caesar killed millions. Meanwhile, he's got a salad. No kidding. Such a bold move. I don't know. There's different peppers in different regions. Born in Mexico. destroyed their fucking country and the only reason they could do that is european diseases This is crazy. It's insane. I love internet. Like growing up, I didn't know what hummus was.

2:02:33 like regular corn no but look at the size of those kernels they're pretty fat right yeah but And we probably want to get to the point right away, and then we get quick growing- William of Orange? Somebody invented Brussels sprouts? Yeah. Yes. rather than these didn't do that well i'm not gonna save these seeds right so i think carrot While cultivation of the garden-style orange carrot lapses for a few generations,

2:05:32 Pontus. The Romans believed that carrots were aphrodisiacs. I'd be like, what was that like? Really interesting. to non-invasively scan the ground. And with this penetrating technology, they can see trenches They went to these areas and they talked about these incredible golden palaces i'm gonna blow your mind even further yeah the plants that are there, they're man planted. That's the rainforest.

2:09:23 Well, not necessarily planted as much as the original plants were invasive and they overwhelmed all the other plants. But the bacteria from this was incredibly rich other cities but that whole rainforest area where we think of is like this is how it's supposed to be. No, that was – they were planting a bunch of these like really prolific plants that

2:11:38 With the excess carbon in our environment, there's actually more greenery today than there was a hundred years ago there's actually an increase in the amount of green plants that exist today because of Higher concentrations of carbon dioxide like look at that chart. Look how few, how few plants there were. Now look at 2000, One of them is, there's a bunch of different really odd plants that are the result of this extreme foliation.

2:14:04 Yeah, I know. No one has like a lot in their backyard. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's an Egyptian obelisk in Central Park in Manhattan. That'd be the savages. that that was gonna be better for them. but the real name was Gavahan, At the start of World War I or World War II, more Americans spoke German than English. Like, St. Louis, Cincinnati, all German and German and French.

2:17:13 Well, I think that Hispanics are at least 20, 25%. So let's find out what the German, what's the percentage that spoke German at the turn I saw that. Wild. Look at that fucking image. what percentage of people? I was trying to find It gets you, doesn't it? I dipped. No, they changed the names of all the streets in St. Louis. Wow. That's crazy. that, like, they had to be the most horrific monsters

2:20:37 1492. Like they got- So the Moroccans that were in Spain were part of when Mohammed and all these guys rose up. The great Arab power was they took over and they got all the way into Spain and stuff like that. You guys, like they literally, like one of the things they did is they built a navy and they got their ass kicked by the British. That's been the standard way that human beings have governed forever.

2:23:11 They're like, you know, Constantine's like, you know what? should now be in It's like insane. How does that guy know so much? And then all of a sudden, we're sitting there talking. They cost a dollar each and it is like literally some of the most spectacular I haven't met him. like reading this dense information. He goes, Sophocles wrote this thing. And you're like,

2:26:11 And if you don't understand Latin, you were... And they came real close to killing him a few times for that. I'm going to get a Jesus tattoo. People who proclaim to be Christian. me right now, they're like, can you fix this toaster? I'd be like, sorry, I can't. So imagine Well, they were saying there's a traffic jam, Oh, my God. It's underneath the convention center in Vegas, and that's where CES was.

2:29:20 not like we've got windshield wipers that work better they're like everything is better well the first time i was in one was uh there was an app where you could rent a car This is crazy. I'll buy it. See what a Model S Plaid can do. That would have been great. So you need to... Yes, you have to have a home. No, four hours, I think. But if you're on a supercharger,

2:32:09 My dad's got a supercharger. Right. And then you can go to that charger. Wow, so he's just and and it also he's got great time management in terms of his ability to concentrate on It's odd. Most people are in that position with him. got 10 plus years ago which is it's it's just like subway road for cars. it looks like the opening is, See, I would think they wouldn't want people driving because people would get drunk and drive under the wall.

2:35:45 In a way, he's kind of like, I have this amazing invention. That's what I heard. But that's a way bigger construction program. Well, one of the things they do out here in Texas is people have small helicopters. Oh, wow. Wow. It's fucking awesome. Oh my god, real close. I told you last week, I saw that this video got sent to me on YouTube. He's just floating up there with his iPhone.

2:38:47 new in it. He's probably got no air. He got very cold. I was very He's just floating up Well, look how amazing that is. Oh, wow. So it's a podcast. That's a big job. Do you remember the guy who faked his kid floating away in a balloon in Colorado? Like they were worried. It was a 2009 hoax. And so he went to jail? So did he wind up getting sentenced?

2:42:00 He served 20 days. She probably didn't have a heart attack. How much are the farts? She's just selling jars. She's funny. They go, okay, we got to keep this ball rolling. from those goofy shows, like Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. It is interesting how there's – we applaud certain ambitions, The NFT of it. Of course. 0.05 ETH. You know that's not true, but we're talking about it.

2:45:38 Okay. so so if but i don't know people do you know is NFT a scam is It's – look, commercials – the equation of do people need the money, they don't. well Kevin Hart I don't think is selling was doing credit card commercials? Because she probably doesn't work as much anymore, and her and Ben Affleck are divorced, and she's got to pay for his rehab. Why doesn't she borrow money from Matt Damon if he has she need money? Because she probably doesn't work as much anymore and her and Ben Affleck are divorced and

2:48:00 gets ridiculed for comparing crypto investments Have you seen it? No, but I've seen the commercial. men and women, these mere mortals, just like you and me, as they peer over the edge, they Yeah. It's dumb. you gotta get in on the bottom floor They were also like... It's like manipulated exaggerations and, yeah. By the way, it's like the, you know, a lot of reality shows seem to be taking advantage of people, right?

2:51:15 No, but. Anyway, I'm a primary. to me and long ago andreas was paying all of his rent his bills. He was doing everything he did was through Bitcoin. And so that is not really an NFT, right? What Beeple's done, is it like, see that QR code? It goes black and white. It's just dope. I don't think so. Well, people have those stories about Apple, getting out of Apple early on. And if they

2:55:03 Yeah. Something like that. places and you put them up on amazon what was that experience like it It was good. I mean, I think that there is – it's shifting. So it was also – these special, it's, you know, it's, you know, these specials, you're like It was a big risk. I mean again, and you know my was not prime is still enormous. Yeah, it's enormous

2:58:18 Yeah. We should do this more often. Appreciate it. That's it. Bye, everybody. alright Jim Gaffigan you're the shit appreciate you very much always fun to hang out with you thank you so much