Joe Rogan Experience #1778 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Great fucking studio down here. I like the lights. I like the whole cosmic effect. I wish you had more time in town. I want to take you. You look great, man. You look great, too. Great fucking studio down here. I like the lights. You got a lighter over there? Yeah. New Jersey's all wide open now, right? When I was in New Orleans, I bought weed on a food truck.

1:19 Yes. Hey. You know, the one time that I visited you in New Jersey and we had dinner at El Nido, that fantastic Italian restaurant near your house. They commute. And I used to go down there 20 years ago. That Bergen County is where the guy went skiing I don't want to raise my daughter here anymore. and I miss one thing the comedy store yeah miss one thing, the comedy store.

4:04 There's some comics there that are really funny it's so insecure such a hard thing to do for a living you know you're you're telling jokes and It's fucking a hard way to make a living. And it never stops. and look at people walking by to observe. I fucking had a great time. And for some of us, it's just, you know, just too hard. He is the last Nope.

7:12 If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad. He's such a sweet person. Oh, Vegas. Yeah, he went to Maui for a couple weeks, just hangs out. It's probably a lot easier. I go, let me get an Italian fucking martini. Like I could feel the heat around my eyes. It fucked me up, that Italian. I like all that shit with the olives, I like it, I like that, that, ooh, that taste.

10:02 They're delicious, you know? give you a lot of alcohol content, But every now and then, I'll go off the rails. Your shirt's going to catch on fire. Like I'm fucking doomed. I can't run Red wine. It was a horrible hangover. Hard knock, whatever the fuck they are. Or Irish? I just drink it because it's the easiest. A Heineken. We used to go to this place, Chan's Dragon Inn, we used to get fucking zombies with steak on a stick and egg rolls and fucking, oh my God, shrimp toast.

13:52 I'm not going to lie to you. Little Italy in New York and you walk Zeppelis. Yes, Zeppelis. And I would walk there and get the loaf of bread that was really skinny, the Italian bread that was really skinny. I used to get buttered bagels. Right at the gas station in Jersey. Tremendous. That's right. But when we went, like when we got here in August,

16:46 I just started ordering, and my wife's like, what are are you doing these kids don't know what that is i go watch And now they're like our fucking best friends on the block. kind of rough then I had the knee surgery how is the knee now it sucks Somebody hit me with one of those his local dot cheese And Tuesday morning, the scar came back. So is that when they resurface it?

19:01 If I would have done the research, I don't think I would have done, I got on this program, this guy, Knees Over Toes guy. period of time and it's all about strengthening the areas around the knees of these various like maybe at 54 you can't kick the bag anymore. Yeah, pulling it backwards. And so I do it with it. And then I'd go see my buddy, Dave Batone.

21:45 I think I go back in two weeks, and then we'll take the blood out, It was fucking brutal. So it accelerated the fucking deterioration quickly. do the pre, whatever was a blood test and dog, how you doing? And I'm like, I don't want to be that dude. in the back of your spine. And I'll never forget, I'm on the fucking table. the uncircumcised. You know, what are the chances you show up

24:51 and then I took it out. Really? I had a friend that did that. It ain't gonna work, but you could try them. Yes, you know, I go to yoga. you think they got them drunk did they give them booze when they were i mean what did they do back in the day? Do you think they got them drunk? Did they give them booze? No, you just have to have the kid. It's wild.

27:29 helpless when they come out. They're more developed, but our heads are too big. So when They come out like ripped. Do you know what year they first had anesthesia for that? Ether. So what do they do? on people who are wide awake oftentimes head down the operating table held down by men whose only It depends. Boom. Yeah, the guy just threw the towel.

30:43 And I was sitting next to Ralphie May and a chick that was like 20 So he wasn't worried about you. Oh, yeah. And while he was choking him, the blood was pouring out of Joe's head. Who's the best pound-for-pound fighter alive? He didn't give a fuck. Yep. Like everybody wants to like, look at who's the greatest heavyweight of all time. I don't think But Mike Tyson in his prime, in those years from like, what was it,

34:25 He was coming at you and he had everything. but this is Mike Tyson when he was just at his fucking most destructive best. he would come at you. Look at those shots. Look at That's the guy who was his manager and also had this incredible boxing archive. when he was like the Marvis Frazier years and the Larry Holmes years, incredible coaching teddy atlas is one of his coaches. Kevin Rooney, working with Customato.

37:06 and they just blow you away. because they took away a lot of his prime years Bernard's working. he's got full control of his faculties, Freddie Roach has that. It was incredible. People would try to talk to me, and I was just like, hold on. Because the stage is massive. like moving around on stage butting your lip, baby. I mean, he's fucking doing it.

40:06 like they have this lady singing with Mick More whatever. 50 fucking years Yeah, no, this is him. There's a few videos online of it. Ever again. You do know that, right? I'm just telling you what I heard from a friend of mine you're talking to captain testosterone right right I mean, this huge amphitheater at Circuit of the Americas. Yeah. You get great music.

43:13 who are just out here hustling. Are they still together? So I've seen them perform live a couple of times. know anything about singing i have no idea how to do that but they do that and the way they're doing Like, you just, you feel it. A special is basically just an advertisement to come see you live. And I was like, their moment, We had a great fucking time.

46:04 And that's why for years, and we discussed this 10 episodes ago, I wouldn't send the tape. It was too whatever. That's the move. Like you do the first one, you feel loose, for me, I always felt better when you came to see me. tense just felt like a little tense like i'd seen him live and it was amazing but I saw your skin you know the smells yeah the odors the you know i went to great concerts growing up

49:29 You know, those were my guys, Freddie Prinze. Then you went home. We're talking about the fourth grade We go up to his house. And we're like, the Beatles. Wow. So I knew David Brenner, and I maybe knew one other guy that I can't remember what his name was. when I first moved there, like the Canellas. To this day, whenever I talk to Ray, he's like, those albums to my friend's house in North Bergen when I first moved there.

51:44 Two tickets to see the guy from Boston with the dry pan comedy. Before I got locked up, my buddy won a ticket. Two tickets to see the guy from Boston What year was that? And I go, yeah. And I said to myself, if I ever do comedy, I'm never doing the same material. And I like Stephen Wright. You see comics, That's one thing about that thing, that gig for Up and Coming Comics.

53:52 Maybe you're just a door guy, Can I go on stage and they're like yeah, go ahead saw that was like a real like i'd seen guys who were at the store when i first moved there that Like, wow, this is crazy. things about that place and one of the incredible like mitzi's understanding of maniacs and her ability to manage all these fucking loonies That's crazy.

57:03 I put a glass of water for her. It's a big factor. There was nobody there, not a soul there. The guys that got us there. What are you going to do? then the bar back quit and I became the bar back the sound guy and the fucking door guy and Wait a minute, he fired because you were a comedian? Yeah, but one of the partners on that club was a guy named McKelvey.

59:53 No, that's Judy Carter. And Sebastian's. But when I was 12 and 11, I did Red Fox at every party. I can say that head to fucking toe, backwards and frontwards. He talked about drugs. It's amazing. I think I was a freshman year of high school, maybe sophomore. I'd only seen comedy on television before that like, you know, The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, you know

1:02:47 but that's really a good way to see comedy a I couldn't believe this guy. There was no set up, there was no like, It did come across real. I went to see that at the Lowe's in Jersey City So it was always like a weird, we didn't know, Right there, I fucking lost it. I'm like, And this dude gets up with a fucking camera and gets like right up to the stage.

1:05:48 They're moving in to take their seats when he goes on stage at the beginning of his film. I saw the police had some brother jacked up when we was coming in here. Shit, we ain't coming down there to get your ass out. I don't know if he had an opening act. She was always at the store with him towards the end? Yeah. Listen, man, when it came to comedy, I loved Pryor.

1:08:16 I adore Rodney with his craziness. we're sitting in my car and I had a cassette player And every now and then I get a text from him and it's all caps. for your family and all that. I don't know. Beautiful. Like how crazy is that? He just, for a fucking state I go, you got to do something for the inmates on New Year's Eve. Really? If I would have seen Andrew while the special was still hot,

1:11:47 I'm thinking about doing stand-up, Yeah, so I can plant it in your ass. He stole my joke. Buck Wilde. Lenny Clark. Because I looked at those specials. Really? alright, and I never forget the faxes the other kid for American History And they go to the beginning and they talk about the funniest fucking brother of all time, Memez Kids. of what he would do at the club.

1:14:53 So those dudes hung out at the store that robbed the bank, It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. and you allowed yourself to be yourself the joey that we always knew in the back bar or in the It was hosting at the store. You need the $15 so that you had to wait for four people. and flip it because Mooney was already going to cover it Stand-up hunt to make me laugh again. I wanted to learn how to do stand-up again

1:18:18 All audio. I was fumbling with it. talking about but I'm like oh my god Paul Mooney is laughing I'm like he's And I was like, whoa, holy shit. bitter. because she got a standing ovation, I forget what her fucking name is. The jackass, Rachel. and she fucking ate lizards or something. I did a year of triple runs with those guys. Yeah, You know, why are you going to go to L.A.?

1:21:34 and I got to sit there. from a different, when you're doing stand-up comedy, you were working on your act, You might not ever make it. I was already expecting to fuck it up some way. and sold for half price at any liquor store in the area, You found it on the floor. You know, until this day, I love the improv. It was like the great Mecca it was like

1:24:17 and they wanted to be cast in a television show. i'm a professional comedian now like i'm a professional comedian at the lineup at the Andrew, you got to come down tonight. You're the one that told me you got to get on stage every night. where I learned about timing. I hear Jeff Scott playing the piano. And Jeff is playing the piano and they're having a fucking great time.

1:26:59 He told me to go up there and not say a word for 10 minutes. process shit i haven't had a chance to process anything since i was 16 years old And next thing you know, I'm with Adam Sandler. Mitzi Shaw was a genius from A to B, A to Z, Like she knew comedy. I used to talk with her all the time, man. maybe with a Fidel suit is such a crazy Look at that.

1:30:05 Burns is really fucking putting the pieces together. Good. It takes time. David Lucas is here all the time. He's got a plan. He's murdering. It's like a production studio. He doesn't give a fuck. You know, Bert lived around the corner from me, man, doing some more podcasting shit. We'll be doing it once a month. Do you remember? I don't even see anybody that talks shit.

1:33:38 No, I wouldn't. And then we went to play pool down in, what was that town? I feel a lot more comfortable around Italians, It was LA. I'm just joking around. People going, I don't want to act anymore. You know, my house, the office, jiu-jitsu, cryotherapy, the weed store. Yeah. What's the name of it? That's where we used to go when we were kids. How many kids got broken legs from this?

1:37:16 Whoa. Look at this shit. When I was a kid, I didn't go out to play. I don't know what's going to happen. Why was this allowed to happen? Crazy, that's totally okay Because you got a helmet, you got a bike, and you got the whole thing. I remember watching – yeah, yeah. We're doing coke. Oh, this is the big thing that they remember I think there's even a fictionalized version that Johnny Knoxville made.

1:40:45 Here's a question. No. What, 20 years ago? In England, yeah, yeah. They all wear these wacky wigs like sometimes like that one if you go back what is that thing is that real that dude real see that looks like a rug like We've talked about this. Yeah. That fucking dude don't look good at all. Clinton's daughter's wedding. Yeah. You know how like you meet someone and like when you meet them, like maybe you're in a bad mood or maybe they're in a bad mood or maybe something shitty happens and so you get off to a bad start like right away with them

1:45:13 No. and the people that thought that Trump being president is the end of civilization You never wanted to don't work with them, ostracize them from society. polarization that we're attached to right now with There's so much good. Are there bad things? Yes, of course there are. and not only two years that were rough on this country and the world, There's going to be anger.

1:48:30 It seems like people are out more now. for five fucking days and change your plans They picked up and moved. and some people don't want to comply, And he calls her a piece of shit. And I think she smacks him. She smacks him. is yelling at the man she doesn't have a mask on and she's yelling to put his mask on and any you And this guy did it on the other side.

1:50:37 Get your fucking hands off my back. Yeah, well, these guys, they did take off. you want me to hit somebody like i'm who do i hit what are you what i mean we're choke people Where were you flying out at? The guy didn't want to press charges. And he goes, no. And I kicked the fucking thing. Some guy, I get up. It's 5 in the morning. And that's exactly how I said it.

1:53:46 And he just looked at me like, wait. So I tell you to get the fuck up. the gate that's going to LAX. They got three of them. I You go to be seen. And I had the flip phone back then. What the fuck are you talking about? So now I go, you know what? I'll call you back. We had a conversation. Cop turns around with fucking Newark. They're the fucking away team, so what do you want to do here?

1:57:17 He didn't arrest me. That's why people get road rage. And I swear to God, I was throwing everything I could at him. And then I go in the glove compartment. and he wasn't stopping, and he finally stopped, and he looked at her, Because you're supposed, you know, California law, right? Dude, there are people out there. We need to loosen would help everybody if everybody exercised if we all whatever you can do

2:00:56 right today i'm going to do 20 push-ups 20 sit-ups get a chin-up bar do 20 pull-ups too Great for you. Maybe their mom's older. Maybe I shouldn't. Jesus. That's just start there. Jesus. Joey's got a lot of energy. It closes at midnight, you dumb motherfuckers. Where in Hollywood Boulevard? it was good pizza towards the end. At midnight. Any idiot can just go home and go to bed.

2:03:55 Try to do this joke from a different perspective. i find that i have ideas at night and i don't maybe I don't have like a full premise Same thing with a joke sometimes. and a lot of it's bullshit it's nonsense that's the morning journal in my world i do it more at It really does something for you, 100%. And your whole body's like, get me the fuck out of here.

2:06:48 It makes you feel good. Yeah. You'd have your slippers on and it's nice. it last summer yeah i was i joined the pool my hometown i was there every fucking day Sometimes I'd have my wife meet me there at six. They got a basketball court. They're like, what do you call those people? I became friends with one of the guys, Larry. started telling me about all this how he did blow how he smoked weed how he goes, I got my dick sucked one and he started telling me about all this shit, how he did blow how he smoked weed, how he

2:09:59 heavy kid. This motherfucker buy one get one free and then he would buy So I started bringing him my fucking reefer. $30 cigars. I definitely did not say that. You meant like he's a focused person. There's people that have ability to just continually do something, I really got to hand it to those savages Not Nate. The Nick Diaz when, you know, I mean, he was fucking amazing, dude.

2:13:20 that pace on he did it to BJ Penn the UFC I mean he would put that pace on you and you're like whoa he would just start wailing on guys That's the thing with a lot of these guys, unfortunately. You can't tell them that it's time to go. That guy's a legit world champion boxer. You think that level of elite, like, when he knocked out Vitor, he could be good at anything.

2:15:30 It's hard to tell, but he's so good now. And I always thought he had good hands. not the first heel hooks in MMA, For a long time. kind of rare for a long time. And this is pride. and then Husamar Paul Harris came around, and Paul Harris started ripping people's legs apart. yeah that um he was doing that with a lot of dudes he was tearing apart their knees

2:18:37 He is so swole. See if you can find a video of Paul Harris tapping people. Look at this fight. I don't remember what they called it back then. He mangled a lot of dudes' legs, man. Was so strong it was amazing technique and ridiculously strong That's it, I won't get into anything else. Everything else is bad. I don't want to know. How did we get to talking about Pajaras?

2:21:06 Flying scissor takedown to Hill Hooks. That was great. And I remember saying like, Mayhem, like you're at the top of the fucking food chain right now. the Gracie killer, was just, you know, leg here but mayhem was a high level grappler like getting a hold of his leg was no fucking picnic So he softens him up with punches until Sakuraba and then eventually submit him. So he softens him up with

2:23:53 Because it wasn't just who he beat, Oh, my God. Bro, he just grabbed behind my neck. who is a world champion arm wrestler. yes i knew his brother too i knew his brother back in the day his brother used to They were so big. because you would fucking murder at it i guess he did uh judo when he was younger but he's on that's in Ottawa? I heard they were going to go from L.A. and they're going to drive all the way to Washington, D.C.

2:27:04 Did they refund people's money or did they just take it? I don't know, maybe they're deciding that that's a criminal enterprise. There's a lot of charities There's a bunch of charities for people to make money. I fucking didn't know. But when I quit, I found out that the guys aren't even working for the cops. That's it. campaigning for. There's a website

2:29:27 You know, some of them, they're probably funded by billionaires and shit, And she donates a shitload of money. Some of these people have to donate for tax. Yeah. That guy's got Just help people out. that's still 10% of the money that wouldn't have gotten to the cost if those people didn't work at it. nonprofit, this is why I get pissed off. If you have a nonprofit, I got no beef with giving Joe

2:32:16 The charity people should be doing it for free? Like what's a normal amount where a charity takes? I feel... What do you think it is, Jamie? for what I do. So it just varies so much? So they might have to spend more for particular reasons. So they're going to make shit up. When you hear people argue Hollywood accounting is wild, so they're going to make shit up.

2:35:12 I'm glad I never had to experience that. It's a very similar topic, yeah. That's probably why they're waiting to put out Top Gun and all that stuff, because he They didn't give a fuck about nothing. Yeah. Destroy it. Destroy it, right? Isn't it one of the biggest movies of all time? They didn't give a fuck about nothing. I don't know the date for both of those.

2:36:38 A lot of them went under, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's why the food's so expensive. Yeah. Maybe if it's a comedy movie, and oh i grew up in a movie theater i actually miss it when i see a commercial for a movie i I tell my wife where I'm gonna be, Maybe you stop Now do it at home. I don't know what the fuck happened. Bro, I watch it once a month. There's a couple movies when I see it.

2:39:15 Really? It's a great scene. Then you will die. Governments, you don't always get a fair word or a fair fight. Well, I've come here to give you either one you can rest here in peace, There is iron in your words of death for all Comanche to see. That's fucking tremendous. He had already done the four or five in Italy. But those Italian movies he was making.

2:43:29 And then he could watch the movies. Spaghetti Westerns. And with Clint Eastwood behind it, I mean, come on, man. How many movies has he made where he's a cowboy? Wow. they came back with a fury a la Bruce Lee. motherfucker. He was in Italy. He did everything your wife's shoes fucking i want I want toothbrushes. I want sunglasses. Really? He told him he'll read the script for $100,000.

2:46:33 fucking fat as a horse. When they went back, they went back with a vengeance. All those American actors were furious. This is McQueen, Bronson, James Coburn. We're going to suck your dick. He's like a half a vampire. Magnificent Savage, he's over there dancing. Quinn, Anthony Quinn. We don't have savages no more. He's a conduit. And the first thing he does when he lands is meet with a vocal coach

2:49:23 You know, what's going on? to be with his 30-year-old wife. What's this, Jamie? esta canción. They released this on Netflix. That was the fucking thing of the tour. 1.2. Joey, what would happen if Cuba was free I think you know I could see you putting You go to Old San Juan. The cube of the charm. Tremendous. Not yet. In Encino? Oh, my God. which is Chinese and pizza.

2:53:21 Oh. Sensational. because they were open And scallops. Yeah, once COVID hit. Jesus Christ, Joe. Fucking had some picadillo in there. They're not like those California ones, Felipe, George Perez, they all brought me tamales. I couldn't smoke reefer. I don't know if it's going to When I got back, you got to make a stop. I ate them Sunday afternoon. It was such a bad shit, I had to jump in the shower after it.

2:56:36 Put some fucking litter in the thing. So I'm done with White Castle now. This is something that ain't fucking good. In-N-Out. Same thing. In-N-Out. Dog, I respect them for that. Always. Oh, they move you quick. And some little guy turned around, somebody gone. That's why people were pissed. That's crazy It's like when it makes messages Like what is this arbitrary number that you came up with?

3:00:19 And then it takes her a week to decide what the boyfriend wants to do, They know what the fuck is going to be the outcome. But on the other hand, like, late-term abortions, The Chick-fil-A thing is very unusual because of the amount of profit that they miss out on. they're missing out on. in the country? More people Just call Red Band up. He knows everything about them.

3:02:19 Okay. You know, you got to buy 2.3 or whatever that fucking shit was. Package stores. It's very, very weird. Because that's supposed to apply to the entire state. Yeah, there's dry towns. The amount of money that they would generate, the amount of tax money alone, Yeah. Between the weed and the gambling, these cities... New York State made $1.2 billion

3:04:56 Fix all that. Louie's out of work, Jack. whittaker and you see the bet odds go up and down like you like they'll let you jump in like it's a You should be able to do what you want to do. after Monday Night Football. 165. So now I might Sunday is when they hit Jesus in the head, Saturday morning. they put two nails in your feet. Oh, my God. Yeah. know about Kevin Trudeau Jason yeah Kevin Trudeau he it was It was based around the idea of online gambling.

3:09:28 And they did it because they wanted people to keep going to Atlantic City. I think Segura just did it recently. You know, where we used to do comedy with the one place, the Chinese mafia place on the 710, the bicycle club. I like her tournaments. No no if you go to the oh, that's right. No no go to the casino Really? Rudy Moreno's. Yeah, I did Yeah, Rudy had all those bar shows.

3:11:44 That was $ bucks every weekend You did a lot of those gigs. everything was old we had no money me felipe the bartender was hot she hated us and then we only They were running a card game there. You go in the back of a store what do you got? I went to Pennsylvania a couple of weeks ago to a tubing with the kids. I want to put a bet in I was in Blue Mountain, and I was at the hotel, and I'm like, that's right, there's a fight tonight or something.

3:14:55 I registered in Jersey. It's for the tax purposes because once you make over, I don't know, whatever it is, like $600, You don't consider it your income tax wherever you live. But that means there's no more bookies, nothing. We just normalized getting tracked everywhere. So it's not like I'm not stabbing somebody Listen to everything you say. and they can make your phone listen to you.

3:17:27 I wouldn't put a fucking Alexa in my house I don't say nothing to Alexa. If you have an Alexa in your house, take it out right now. about a criminal enterprise. You can make, like, go to Zen app and just fucking go, I don't give a fuck if you know where I am. vans equipped with x-ray machines, and found their location. So is that good? Because you can

3:20:02 to people that are working as police We have a constitution that they wrote. and that car bomb blows up and a bunch of people die, on that area. It must be incredible. With satellite imagery. Does Google Earth update regularly? And they have something that is kind of live because they have caught, you know, burglars computer they'd find one they'd go to look i mean it was all tracked on a computer i never

3:22:38 That one. You could kind of convince people to go along with that. That's a dangerous thing. You're like, oh, we get five stars yeah but mike's seven stars When was the last time you watched that show? raises the shotgun up, cocks it in the air, Howl! I need to watch it. Yo! I forgot about Oz. just real life shit, this is tremendous. I like Kevin Costner.

3:27:40 Yeah, with Whitney Houston. It's called Revenge. and he has to fucking save her. Rick James. Yeah. He met up with your buddy Neil Young. Like, I didn't even know this shit. And they said when he rocked, he fucking rocked. That was one of my first jokes when I was an open mic. I'll set up a visit just to come visit you. I'm going to the Steakhouse. It was funny.

3:31:18 So the Stress Factory was right across the street from that steakhouse. It was perfect timing. no i don't because to stay in business you you got to have a good pizza. You got to have good pizzas and you got to have good bagels. Then they move to my area. They got the pizza with the ziti on it. They got all that stuff I gotta get, like, a 2 o'clock slice one day.

3:33:31 Tremendous. Oh, my God, with white cheese on it and the olive oil it was so good fuck, it smells like an animal in there. Well, his pasta was insane, that Il Nido place. His sauce with the two wild meatballs. Yeah. That's what you do. Just order the red His sauce with the two Y.O. meatballs. I think he told you, but you have the Mexican dude, Dave.

3:35:38 But it's still, isn't like the whole diabetic thing, it's a carbs thing, isn't it? That's a lot of pain in the ass. Well, thank you, sir. Joey Diaz, I love you to death. What's the EPA? Thank you for having me, man. Yeah.