Joe Rogan Experience #178 — Joey Diaz Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Did you talk about you just killed Isle of Garden? Did you mention Isle of Garden? You love it like I love C2O Coconut Water. They got a hold of me and they sent me some. really spicy pickles. They're fucking tremendous. Speaking of pickles, and I don't fuck with it. bad for because she really is a man trapped in a woman's body and that must be really frustrating

2:17 with your current life. I mean, that would be an interesting conversation. Like a two-year-old? Brody Stevens and me used to steal And she died maybe maybe it'll work as long as you have a big body to go with it. without a bottle in her purse i mean oh and one night we did an open mic, and the guy threw her out. Boom Shakalaka? into the little bathroom there.

5:06 Fuck this motherfucker. I don't remember. I've been excited about going to Chicago. Great fights. Great dress warm. It's going to be Do you have a winter jacket? that we're going into the wind. We're going into the eye of the fucking storm. That have boxes of them. I got an awesome one. Un-fucking-believable that we're going into the wind. I just wish that fight could take place a couple months from now instead of this weekend.

6:54 I don't sleep on Bisping at all. bisping looks so good he looked good he looked that much better he looks sharp man his stand-up He's turned a serious fucking corner. Just completely shut him down. And if you see that, you would think, well, he should be happy, And he wasn't even being, like, congratulatory about it. He was concentrating on what he didn't do well.

8:58 much better now yeah he's much better now he's at a better place as they say it's it's hard for a Just getting beat up at the fucking pizza parlor changes a motherfucker. Locked him up. had a draw with him no it was it was uh did he lose to rashad i think it was a draw was it a draw Listen, man, I don't particularly completely hate anybody. Here we go.

10:47 I don't know who. Should have never been fighting at 205. He's a big 185. You know, they released Anthony Johnson. Well, he tried, man. You know, Dane is very fucking fair. Well, he had a medical Right, I heard that listen, man, you don't need to put on any more muscle, okay? shouldn't be cutting that much weight. You're a super Muscle burns a lot, but what burns

13:19 I didn't do it right either. I would just It's a stupid thing. 50 fucking pounds. Red Band. What? No, I whack off from time to time in the shower. But the girlfriend was like, she had a girlfriend and she was a girl. And she'll get a couple of girlfriends. What's the difference? Yeah, they do. Just because I think that I like fucking Doris Day music,

15:52 guy that lives in southern Colorado and he does He's booked three years in advance. Remember Riviera? a couple bumps in me, Spider hole. Like, nothing was going to take away the pain that you see. Apparently, they're much better at doing it now. You don't know what you're fucking. And you're driving. I know what's happened. It's like you've got to get rid of the stuff.

18:33 I already cracked my nut. I'm going to put up with If I don't come in a certain amount of time, I'm not going to go to a tranny. I'm here to tell you like a man that I am. They go out to the desert. and laughed it off, All right, come on over. You bring her home. I'd be dangerous. So now you've got to wonder what the fuck is going to happen. It's upstairs.

21:23 We got to do something here. I got to kick him in the stomach. I fucked up, dog. Guy sucks your dick. Either you're going to crash your car against a fucking wall doing 90 because you can't believe this just happened to you. Whatever you do, Did he bring her home and shoot her? When he confronted him, it could have been that the guy attacked him first, and then he pulled his gun out.

23:10 I'm a little horned up. Listen, you got two good cops in the right mood. We feel for you. Yeah, back in the day, cops were the only ones that were able to talk. I got this Puerto Rican chick that wants to suck my dick she likes when i come over my They cut that in half. and get your dick sucked, like in college or high school? that would make it possible

25:10 It's like they keep, I don't know, and all this different shit that's going on. By whose definition? Someone writing something down like that, but what is really happening here? It's not like there's some fucking crazy thing going on And they're protecting us from what? It's not like we have to worry about terrorist attacks. It's a spooky time. like they're coming at your computers and uh suppose and pull you over and take your fucking this and ask you for an ID.

28:47 rights. Well, you know, there's a lot of people that believe that the government would have tried And that's like shit that they've pulled What happened to the Occupy movement? $20. You know, everybody's paying the $20 for the The Occupy movement for me. You got to pay taxes for this one and then do whatever the fuck you want in Beijing with Hindus or whatever the fuck you want to do.

30:55 they get those minerals man that's that's at the end of the most complicated shit that we have But, you know, the other stance, I want to have kids just so I have them doing chores because I don't want to have a maid in my house. I used to have to clean bathrooms, scrub bathrooms when I was 11. I was mowing lawns and shit. It's work. And put ice cubes in the fucking urinals and fucking stock the ice.

33:09 I had some real construction jobs. ain't a brownie it smells like shit we're fucking dying to laugh i used to be a fucking roofer an That's fucking crazy. we'd lay the insulation down, but it was snowing. They've been driving in the snow for 20 years. Well, these new modern airports, yeah. Yeah, they do. about the mountains getting seven feet. every day. So you pretty much

36:24 Put away the... You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Like you could still see the moon in the fucking morning. After the blizzard. You know what I'm saying? I've read that they've gotten seven feet of snow in some areas. What? I don't think it's here, either. 1993 storm of the century. of 1993. You see some fucking drifts. That's crazy shit. Those videos, whenever I watch those videos,

40:00 You're living the nuttiest life. Yeah, the skier. Like Valentine's Week in Aspen, I was telling you, that's when the lowest point of moisture is in the air. Like, I could never even. I don't give a fuck what anybody tells you. That's how a lot of people get torn knees, right? Remember when it killed Sonny Bono, man? You ski twist with a helmet on a big Nerf outfit

42:13 And all of a sudden somebody goes over and goes, do you mind if I spark up a joint? People go skiing to the doctors and go, But it's weird that there's so many rich people that live in Aspen. Mostly winter. They close them up and put a, the guy I house that for was the owner of the, he was on the he had an apartment over the garage that's common right that people hire a care yeah they hire a

43:57 I had an office in the side of the house. staying there? I would stay in the garage over there. I did everything in his fucking house. He had pounds of elk and venison up there. Right, right, right. And I met them at the bar. And I was like, what the fuck? And she goes, what do you think I had the weirdest fucking things happen in Aspen. I went to.

46:11 And I was with this agent. They just go to bars and they just wait and they're hookers. They get a job on a lift until they meet a sugar daddy and then it's all over. I remember going up there when I- money up there that's where miami vice was and gl Frey and your boy Woody Creek and Sidney Poitier, Michael mink on. Charles Bronson was After 8 o'clock or something, they got strict rules.

48:22 Oh, that's hilarious. They were kids at Conoco. So people were on cable going, hey, bro, you're on Channel 4. He got caught with $8 million, Joe Rogan. It was just nice white people. This is a fucking terrible place. Really? They had the guy fishing. It's like an hour from Aspen. Aspen, Colorado was the cocaine capital of the country because Colorado's right in the middle of the country.

51:52 Can I help you with that? Yeah, it tells about how he was blown up in a bomb placed in a borrowed car Could you imagine all those fucking Aspenites up there? And that was it. So he would go to every restaurant in this they went to all these businesses you know that there's a movie now they did years later that was it he had it hidden in a garbage can filled with leaves outside how the feds got him was they were

54:34 And on a Sunday night, had bodyguards and he didn't know that they put a fucking pipe bomb on him that was miami vice type Very interesting, Aspen, Colorado. This is where it gets better. and do all his business from a pay phone. Jesus Christ. They were watching him. You don't have much up there. Very interesting fucking story about that. Super, right?

56:48 It's just, and it's a creepy thing when you're doing it, and obviously the kid didn't know it was not a coke party They come off off, shifty, looking around a lot, can't shut the fuck up, constantly yapping. It was in 1955, Alaska. There's no air left. Where's your air coming from? Maybe that's why their subjects are such giant snow dumps. on the highway because nobody knows how to drive when it gets wet.

59:09 car. Everyone has dirty cars 415 it's a 25 minute ride from my house Yeah, I left at 3 o'clock February is next month, motherfucker. It just makes life harder. They don't play there. I had to because it just, dog, what is it, sutures? Really? I thought it would tell me what vitamins to take. No, no, no. and you can just do it at a light pace where you're stimulating the tendons

1:02:17 I'm just doing it just to get everything in order. Oh, yeah. And so then it adds up how long you're actually sleeping every night. You try to beat it. That's incredible. I could take the card out put it into my computer and I could tell you what nights I drank alcohol If I smoke too much weed, my wife will tell you, you know, you were snoring the other night.

1:04:26 You're probably out there fucking cold. Well, did you just congratulate yourself? he's just going to call it the Brian Callen Show. He's one of my favorite dudes to talk to. it's a good idea to go on yeah dane cook bumped him dumped bumped everybody at the laugh factor which happens on stage But it's a thing that we had to experience when we were coming up.

1:06:36 of the thrill. And in the stand-up comic, the famous ones, in exchange, they do these sets for And then they go and check and then make sure everything's okay. the reason why I bring an Ari on the road with me, I'm going to take that bottle. Don't say that shit to me. You guys got to call and say I'm coming. so it's even better than a fucking spot.

1:08:47 I don't know how the fuck anybody starts in L.A. Yeah, and he got in early at the store, too. It's amazing how last year I put it together. that I always try to because I want You want me to tell you, I miss the expression that everybody gets that nigga wake-up call. When they had that kid Remember, she said, What was that all about? And now he's Elian Gonzalez. What was that all about?

1:10:40 He's good looking now. and some fishermen picked him up. So he thought Liddell died. Fidel died. Oh, my God. I called Fidel, and he thought I said Liddell. Once that Indian comes out, right? I mean, bro, you grew up in Boston. There's just some people. and then woke up with fucking scars on your neck I'm like, oh, how convenient. What happened? into movie form.

1:14:03 Anybody see the Gina Carano movie? Where do I get a home of this? This weekend. I know it did good. It's fun. But Carano's legit. Not even remotely. Do you know how nuts that fucking fight would be? you know what? could you imagine the kind of press you can get when you get two chicks who If she would have fought in June or July and she wouldn't have done well in the movie, they said, fuck it.

1:16:53 Ronda Rousey. I don't know if she's going to go on a fight, man. If she really has this call in the back of her head, I mean, she's going to say the right things. She's not all skinny and bones. Yeah, she's cute. But you can get a little fat. Everything's good. the professional's little girlfriend because she's the one in it. I wanted to watch and I'm like, wait a second.

1:19:03 motherfuckers. Fucking Danny Aiello. I swear to God. Public investigator. was so fucking hilarious. Yeah, Deleventura. 98. I have all those on VHS. He would always win no matter what happened. Where he's you know He looks like an old man He's just everywhere he goes Nice. and they have bets on how long Stallone will last. you know that he's a goof one time

1:22:44 get the fuck out of here. Remember they all, the Stallones? Stallone directing and shit. Oh, my God. money he's doing well he's in movies doing great with stand-up and then See, I don't remember. Michael Jackson. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that-so, but one guy is like the best. Yeah. But the bald ones. Michael Jackson. She threw that motherfucker out. He's got a brother that wrote the book, the tell-all book.

1:25:28 The same thing that makes a Madonna could also make a loser. Or you get a Gaga, one of the two. Yeah, she's hot. She's trying to force those biceps and tell people she's a Jew. I don't know how your brain works. but then I stopped having them. and I was being, like, real creepy with her. Like a shitty bar? Or, you know, whether I lived in a different place.

1:28:01 younger than she looked when she became famous. Why Madonna, too? look when you're a young I used to go to this club and they'd let her sing, She was lip syncing back then? Somebody come in. that live in this day and era and was like you know what you're just not being clear Come on, let's go. She had that dancer body with a little plumpness to her, too.

1:30:25 and they had to close Manhattan. The second one is like Love Don't. The other morning I fucking heard it on the radio Tonight, when nobody's around and nobody smoked a half a dube and put the video on and watch And by the middle of that second verse, you just start fucking not dancing. But you're like, you know what. You could be in a bad mood doing something and by the middle of that second verse,

1:31:30 that girl dances too. Yeah, fuck it. The internet's not working What was the Buffalo Stance? Nina Cherry, that's right. Over, over. She had some great deep fucking songs. This is driving me nuts. She had one fucking killer song, man. she had. just press in okay here we go I officially married and I've been just looking for it. Do they have General Hospital online?

1:34:05 They're turning it to telenovelas, yeah Oh, man She was one of the originals, man. That's illegal. And was that fun also? And I have a bazooka like Scarface that shoots meatballs at the kids and shit. Are you doing of this? You know what I'm saying? My name is Game Runner. I haven't heard that channel in a while. So he straight up kidnaps this chick, and I marry him on the show.

1:36:02 They got black people on General Hospital. They're going to put brothers on fucking soap operas? Yeah, something like that. Renato Larranja. he'll want to confront me And how funny is it rasan to tell you the story about his father's karate school yeah his father's karate school Park barefoot with the fucking karate uniforms me in the fucking stomach when I was about six.

1:38:10 I took a class from him and he side kicked me in the stomach. And they'd fucking blast you in the stomach But because of that, their team was fucking monstrous, man. My friend was going to med school. I couldn't believe how fucking hard he worked you know it was just it was incredible to watch it was I'm like, how are you doing this? and then he would Put his backpack on

1:40:14 That's how he would get He was when he proud of their kid when their kid does something really, really difficult. That's a lot of work. That's the motherfucker. Do you lose the whole finger or a joint? All I want is a manicure. Yeah. where he was involved with Like, see that? With body suits. than like a needle, like a tattoo, a modern tattoo needle where they essentially just

1:43:50 He's great. Does he have Billy Bob on his arm? The ones on his back are pretty amazing. It's so funny. Don't you think? We talked about the store and Mitzvah. Freddie Prince, yeah. That was during the riots I wonder if they knew that. Holy shit. They pay a tiny bit Were making money Like some of them do the whole entire thing so now it's like a really it's got food yeah it's got food that people are

1:47:24 Huck's still there? Oh, yeah. All those guys are still And that bartender people in the back. Huck's still there? And you know what? Yeah he's the GM It was like that bar you went to for a year when you lived in that place where you ate there. You drive by, and you felt bad if you didn't stop in. Oh, That place has got so many tunnels and secrets and hiding spots.

1:49:03 Uh, Wow. Wow. Yeah. all weekend killing. and she was definitely a hooker, a thong on like a string bikini thong or whatever and then just a see-through uh like mini skirt or one of the comics asked if it's a donation, right? People walk by the store and they're like, There's something about that sunset strip. is just nuts how next thing you know you're getting fucked by eight

1:52:59 and making millions and smiling For a woman, it's way harder, in on buses, especially We've kind of seen Happened to you That's what I get now They're not living that porn star pimp lifestyle you are. That store was an attractor and still is an attractor of crazy people. Well, you could write jokes. Well, you had that one girl you talked about in the podcast

1:55:18 Remember the one by the phone where you answer the phone? and they'll just suck your dick well if they only knew I started going to an acting class, and you book something, I had this 21-year-old that let me come over and fuck her in the ass. You know what I'm saying? Didn't you have some girl that you were getting in your acting class that was also someone else?

1:56:49 De Niro's got like these black chicks They're a little heavy. we got to talk. to do scenes? what the Wilshire District is. Look at his sleep apnea machine. And so there was a no questions asked sort of a policy? Especially those bad ones. Right, that's his original wife, Tuki, the heavy set black chick that's kind of cute. One of them. I shouldn't say the. Gary

1:59:02 And he was the first guy that really and then he gained amazing performance And it's his turn and the guy smacks him and he smacks the guy back. How good was he in Goodfellas? And when you see him, he became. I don't man jotted in Miami with Hyman Roth. And that movie is a beautiful movie. And he goes, Joe Rogan. Never seen it. Yeah, you don't like it because so many people like it.

2:01:14 But he just wears on you. He had yellow fever when he came from Italy. then he wipes the knife on his fucking shirt I remember that you know what I mean No, he doesn't. Whoa. was Peter Lemongelo. Good looking blonde guy. buy the fucking thing and Silent Night how much it's changed in the the media marketing how much it's changed I got to get that. But I don't get the pan flute.

2:04:26 Because, you know, how many dudes are playing the pan flute going, one day this is going to pan out? Slide whistle. You don't like Russell Brand? Are you a fan of Katy Perry's? Obviously it didn't work out. You know? and maybe she's nuts you don't know she comes in and puts that song on the mall. Don't play that role, Brian. How dare you? He uses the word telly still.

2:05:55 He's 50. Really? Nothing bothers me more than these celebrities get together. The original one's great. What the fuck's his name? The fuck's his name? About a month ago, the mechanic is on. minutes in, because that's the beauty of the puts the gas on he shoots it so it looks like a fire right he did it very and that's what i told No. See, I think that guy that played Jan Michael Vincent's role is a good fucking actor.

2:08:28 No. Fuck, he's good in that movie, man. That guy's rolling in his fucking grave. What's up, Joe? People on the way back. We're selling, Mike Maxwell art.com Can I get one? The Bisping Chael-Sutter fight that we already talked about. but that kid's a stud wrestler who knows how to put people to sleep. was right up there at the top of the fucking heap.

2:11:10 and hold on to you it's it's you don't get to see it as if like it was a straight jiu-jitsu match And then on top of that, he's learned submissions. Yeah, well, they get that mad belief in themselves. They start burning people. The motherfucker from New England, Tom Brady, They didn't cover the spread, but they undercame him. I don't know what the full story is.

2:13:37 it's like what some of the quotes were saying is he really 65 I didn't know And Tom Brooks is a super athlete, bro. Is he? I was looking at him last week. Yeah, he's a white John Jones. Like, if I was him, I'd go into MMA because I just hammer punch motherfuckers. Joe, they're putting their hands out. That fucking thing comes out, man. That's a... If I was Gisele Bumbozay, whatever her name is, I did that taxi movie with her.

2:15:04 Nothing. She is mint. to have that big Brazil. Nothing. fuck they do. They got to have a lock and a key. That pussy's the real deal, dog. Two gigs Yeah you Five dollars on payloads L-O-A-D-Z. It was one of those. Yeah? service on Sunday on Lancashire. and the priest is up there people always ask me on iTunes Duncan can teach you that he does it you can get it on iTunes yeah we gotta get that on iTunes? I didn't put it on iTunes yet. I'm trying to get it on iTunes. You got to get it. How do we get it on iTunes? Duncan can teach you that.

2:17:15 But this one's really fun. When you see me walk in, you're going to die. I hope that they write me back in once this guy Sonny leaves, because I really had a good time. No, there's nothing. the word's getting out there. We're working on that right now we're trying to do one with Ari, Duncan, Joe, are you guys and Joe going to hang out after the show?

2:18:49 a non-freeze papers somewhere and I'll announce it So we'll find people. At least 20 people are dead. A bunch of people are missing you know those people? A bunch of people are dead. At least 20 people are dead. That's nice. If you fucking paid me. I think Anthony Cumia This asshole was off. but he got bored and said there was one part loved ones people there's people missing still to for a company to have the audacity to call you up

2:21:35 They're so detached. This happened at the same time while they're online. That actually sounds kind of badass. I don't know. Wonka, wonka. I'm ready. You've got sets tonight? It's almost done. motherfuckers, you know what I'm saying? All of them are nootropics. There's no other way to be more honest about it. Trussell. Are you serious? And TaintedVisionArt.com.

2:25:19 Before Vegas. I avoid them like the plague. And fucking Nick Diaz. with you and Joey for that one. right now, and that is on all the comics come in and sit down. This past the show and then we jump up at the Ice guys. It's all together. We respect