Joe Rogan Experience #1802 — Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Holy hell. Because you protected 0 for one park. But they're not jailing anybody. I don't know. Yeah. There's a restaurant here. How about the dummies that pour their vodka down the toilet? like, what the fuck? It's not state run. This is all fucking Yemen. that communist flavor is pretty good though ben and jerry's it's just it's just vanilla

3:01 It would have to be a joke where you buy ice cream for everybody. I'll try to fix it. I'm obsessed. I think if Russia starts launching nukes, I think they'll probably show up. They saw it the first time, and they were like, well, the Japanese had it coming. What do you mean? That's when all the UFO sightings started happening. That's when it all started. What? It was after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. What do you mean?

4:20 They could be all full of shit or crazy. missile silos and shit? Not just like, watch what we can do. I mean, there's some things that I've seen, Your solo's taking off, though. You're a bad man villain. I can't believe that suit just fits you perfectly, and you found it at a thrift store. I go to a tailor, not this one. It's like two years old. That's even past what Stanhope would wear.

6:25 With the riddles When are you gonna stop I have to put in What was his name? I wrote the book on it. Yeah, let's find out. He's 78 years old. 4,000 followers. He looks rough. Oh, my goodness. Wow. He's got an Instagram post. 4,000 followers. Taxes. He's like a gay That's right Lampanelli retired She snapped on stage. you're like, when Will Smith's We all just saw that.

9:01 No one does anything. Yeah, we don't support you as much as we support them. is happening here? I mean, I wouldn't have done anything. No one in the crowd is going, I don't know. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? You gotta say pills. Right. If it was like, Will Smith, come on down. He didn't hit him that hard. Golf expert bitch. You want this foot to be planted.

11:33 their hand, you can do something He hit him with this stuff. Look at that. Let me say it again. Let me say it again. That was as much as I thought. Oh, you know what it is? Like, watch with the impact. That's what I heard. They teach you how to slap to Wait a minute. In Scientology, that boy, they teach you how to slap somebody if they give you an offense.

13:11 That's a Scientology slap. Holy shit. Tom Cruise does a similar thing, but his preferred method is shouting and intense personal intimidation of movie crews. Is he 100%? Where is that? called the New Village Leadership. What a great place. I was told today that... Well, he cheated a bunch, I thought, and then that was like- You know what you're saying.

15:59 Max Burns is on heroin. I'll think about that. You guys love You got to be more. Yeah. growing back. There's hair. I've had sex with a couple Know your role. Nothing. That's even weirder. Type in black Karen. Jada. Jada Pinkett Smith. Jada Pinkett Smith. Jada Pinkett Smith. Jada Pinkett Smith. But that's just selling Chris Rock under the bus even more.

19:04 No, the price. Price went up. Charge more. Ticket sales per day, I can see. But him not saying anything allowed the internet to say, He's like, yeah, right after he got slapped, It's like, whoa. I'm kind of jealous of that. Had increased to 411. They do that, man. There's nothing you can do about that. and everything to do all that, but still, people

21:29 You could only buy two tickets at a time. Yeah. We fucked up from Rob Williams came we realized we should have It always has. Yeah. Really fucking fun. Well, that's just comedy. Comedy goes mobbed. Really? It was mobbed. Everybody was hanging out. It was really fun. Yeah. Yeah. We wouldn't start the show. What year did you start? And then 2002, it was getting pretty good.

23:14 And then I came back. eBay took over. Because he came to the improv when I was headlining at the improv. And then Ari was doing his special. I came after he'd been fired. We'd always talk about crazy stories in the store. And people are like, who are these mythical people? where you're gonna have a good time we're gonna have a good time a fucking But everyone's going to be like, what kind of question is that?

25:25 shut up pussy he didn't say that come on give me a better question And at the end of your show, people were like, come on up and ask questions. the audience gets to write is the way you should do that kind of an You can't interrupt. It was a fun idea, but the suggestions weren't great. You're trying to be funny. So like, does your mom know you're gay?

27:26 That's a good question. down on a card, have someone go through the cards, take take out the preposterous ones and then put all the cards in I try because I've got to get new material and shit. And I've got to go over the recordings and listen to it. I've done it a couple times where I ended check drop section And the problem is people got their hands up while you're doing Uber's weird.

29:15 Podcasts helps. Burr, a lot of times, Burr gets serious about stuff. Two times a week. He'll stay funny. No, what's his name from Stern? gay there's something about in this seems gay. I've never seen it. I'll tell you, there's something about him that seems gay. He fucks guys. Oh, yeah. He's, you know, hippie from the 60s. You get bored. Wait, did we talk about it last time?

31:41 Hey, we know your secret. He has no idea what's coming, dude. You tape him up. You tape him up. Oh, you tape him up? Yeah let's be honest. You don't want a lot of this shit. You tape him up. and shove him in there It's horrible. How do you even get them in your ass? It could be one of those. Yeah. Is it a real thing? Jada Pinkett does it. Is he going to shoot the crack in his ass?

33:48 Look how excited he is. Getting crack in your ass. Coke, sure, but no crack. Yeah. You know, there was those days. Yeah. They could find him. If Comedy Central had any fucking brains, they'd rehire you and do that show again. It's over. Let it go We've got to save these jobs. Yeah, he is the man. I'm saying he was nice. him how to aim. Too bad he's-

36:44 It's my show. That was the original host. It's my show. fuck with Carson. Hey, easy. Who owns the name? Perfect. You need better lawyers. Ari Shaffir stand-up comedy special He said he loved American Sniper. Worse. I know you're older. He does a video where he searches his own name. Look at this. A Sunset Loser having a billboard on Sunset. Right there.

40:06 And it was like driving to work. From door guy to that. Yeah, it was cool. That's cool. It was cool. Itboard on fucking Sunset right next to the store. From door guy to that. The store was full of losers. tiny room. The way that- Not good. He's got a camera like this and he edits them material for five minutes until the crowd lost faith in him and then he would start what he's working on so you don't

42:19 and he got in that whole family comedy situation where you know you show up you get those big because he's worried about getting canceled. It's so crazy. It's as fun as, oh, you know comics are doing that. like dumb shit. Yeah, that's funny. Oh yeah I played that for years at home Huh Yeah I'll tell you here, let me give you two He panicked. to the lady

44:52 That's why the sunglasses are on right now. What was that? I mean, he's got money. How could the South have done it? I'm Louisiana. Thank you. Yeah, you guys got Didn't they used to watch on the hill in those days? It was like, and there was just a, yeah, it was a bloodbath. You know what's crazy about the Civil War is that the border between the North and the South is like a literal border.

47:00 How many? The Klan started after the war Two weeks ago He started something Where they dressed up like ghosts 1865, right at the end of the Second Civil War. Wow. Yeah, they were fired up. Yeah. Let's imagine. So let's do a little rowdy. About three lights away from letting that one go. Million. Let's guess. Off our guess. What do you get? 60? Joe got it.

49:44 That is wild. That's a lot. That is wild. I've had him on my podcast a couple of times. A blues singer. He thought it was a joke. be like, oh, wrong card. He goes, it's bullshit. I know it's bullshit. He's like, to get him back. It was. Oh, yeah. There's a doc on the frog guy, just the frog guy. Maybe before. It was the build-up. It was the election. It was when Milo was the Trump administration. Damn. Maybe before. It was right.

51:56 I would hope he does. Milo sucks? Yeah, right? No. Milo's the best. Let him tweet, dude. Milo sucks? I watched his old stuff when he was in the news. loves everybody. where somebody, And then he waits, And then she's just so fucking livid. And they banned him under this pretense that he was too effective, and he was one of the first guys that Twitter banned.

53:22 No. he had multiple accounts. calculations in their head as to what they would say. are in the process of suing him. As a non-political guy, that would have been hella fun for me. They hired people to Trump said he was forced to incur expenses in an amount to be determined at trial, Turns out It was like right before When she walked by my chair He kills for like the first half.

56:27 Buddies with Schumer. It's sucking baby's blood. No, she was a news lady. Who have known and loved me for many, many years. And they totally forgot about me. True. Why are they there to get things? tough for me, but the truth is... It's true. It's true. is perhaps my best quality. He starts crushing. sitting down and speaking to major corporate leaders and not getting paid

59:54 You need to find the clips. Bill Clinton and Epstein. It's like these guys house, they found rooms. It's wild. where are the tapes? Who's got the tapes? 32 counts, 32 different where it's sealed. Just provide it to the others. I think he was hooking it up. What's this, Jamie? Drone footage He had a crazy house in New York that There was a lot of guys that had to resign because they donated like $150 million to

1:02:00 Great guy. Yeah, they were probably like, how do I get in that fucking house? Not bad. Oh, yeah, the Victoria's Secret guy. Wow. A guy that I knew was a counselor, and he worked with mentally challenged people, and he said they're always fucking. You've heard that? Boys have hammers. Must be, right? They're just my favorite. I could squeeze that ball if they wanted.

1:04:31 What a verified account. They're drags. brought it up. Alright. Your mustache? I'm like, well, now I'm not She's got her slapped I'm thinking like maybe no chin hair. Is it? Yeah, just give it a buzz. Yeah, why you guys hit me? I'm trying, dude. It's coming back a little. Someone said that to Kevin James. Really? McHale's Navy. Yeah well if you're You're doing bit roles

1:07:26 I agree with that. Yeah. They're all just doing an impression like, I don't give a shit. It's like, you They're all doing Thea Vidal. They're all just doing an impression like, One more Bud Light, You know what's the best? I get it. But then when he went pedophile, they're like, he's white. Yeah. No thanks. But the tape came out, and he was still fine.

1:09:03 Aren't you glad you're not into that? Just like, get out of here. It did. Do you think the R. Kelly thing was like what we were talking about before with David Bowie I mean, I'm not like. Yeah, dungeons. No, have you had your shots? Do you want to come to America? First off, he rules. Do you have your passport? Yeah. To someone in the front row Soap opera thing he did

1:11:26 No. No. And he's getting his hair done, and he's smoking cigars. even though it's a lot of profanity in it. Didn't South Park do this? Wait a minute. See, girl. Did she say there were other guys there It's just funny because everybody knows he lied. No. Jamie, see if you can find it. Michael K. Willey. She moved. Not only is there a man in his cabinet

1:15:10 episode. It's a cliffhanger. He's the, yeah, probably is. Why is he in a suit? And says, man, I was paid not to tell you Then the police pulls his gun out And he'll trespass Man, I've got the right to shoot you So crazy This is gold! This is gold! Who is it, baby? Look at that. It's like 162,000. No, no. Yeah, it's on the cover of We Can't Be Stopped.

1:17:45 Come on. All right, I just like doing shrooms. Boo. No. All right. I apologize. Definitely? You don't say stuff like that. Boo. We're quoting Robert, but- He's in jail. I'm going to burn your clothes. And then he sits back. I like bitch It's amazing is how many years he got away with doing what he was doing because all this real talk was after the videotape got

1:19:31 Dude, I believe I can fly. What? Pretty much. He should sing sex accord. Ah, dang it. Maybe they must be minors, but I think he was getting girls from, like, Ohio or wherever Right? That's what I always try to tell girls. Look at him. And it's fucking good. He's basically saying, don't rape me, guys. My body is telling me yes. I'd like to have sex with that guy.

1:22:17 Yeah, it was. Try that. To ask you something, can you sing a song for me? Damn. He's out. They did a real good job. No one's talking said. Yeah, he's out. He's out. Yeah, they did a real good job. What happened? And they just did it because they didn't want riots in the streets. Look at that shirt. What is Bill Cosby doing today? Yeah. Everyone lost their fucking...

1:24:40 NBC would take all this down. He did Let's make it his official channel But he had an account for a long time. He got it. What the hell dude? Yeah get him out of here Yeah, he looks bad. And you get COVID in jail, they just put a fan in your room. I think they've basically taken all of his money. It's over, Harv. It will not happen again. I wonder. You know that joke? Forever? You know you're in jail for? Definitely forever. Ever? I wonder.

1:27:14 He's like, ever. Yeah, yeah. And she said, he just came in. comic got him yeah we all just any like Harvey Weinstein's not here yeah yeah Why didn't he just like Do you think his lawyers But he's French The thing is like Polanski. But he's French. What if I'm not a Jew? You could take me in? Circumcised? I'd reinvent myself. Go to some like nothing village somewhere.

1:29:19 Well, you lived in China for a hot minute, didn't you? Kills. The Chinese love baseball too Any language barrier? So was she saying, like, anything in English to you, or was it just, like, implied? She came to your show. Yeah I think it was the show that was right over the border from Hong Kong, All right, good. It's like, of course. Get your dick out.

1:31:43 So how'd you get out? I bet of like, he wanted me out of there. That was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There we go, Ari. You did the China run? Wow. Use your own risk. It was just me. Andy was there. So you just do the club every night. You're good to go. Off all these sorts of things. Not here. But they were all great. And you say you're doing it as a showcase.

1:34:22 back. They have coke? Coke, they're like, fucking kill yourselves. Really so they have no regulations on coke you can't import it there was a beijing comic We got caught with coke they stamped a passport never allowed to return sent her on her way Very supportive. And they were just like, oh, this is weird. more athletic. There was a guy who Just got out of jail and he's a comic?

1:36:21 They probably stripped layers You told me that story, I was terrified. Whoa. Yeah. and then resell it to these to it was a guy getting his hair cut on the street. Interesting That's how they roll, you can only do TikTok for 3 hours there They have all these weird rules You just walk through it. Yeah. There's no notification of a historical significance. Because of what happened. Yeah.

1:38:13 Hey. That guy got a good mustache. So did you eat any of that food that was made with They don't take the bones out, too. That really got me going on, like, travel. my daughter was waiting space. My daughter was like, you know, She would bump into me that way too. you can get one 21 and the TV was in Chinese that's just how but then when you landed

1:40:46 And then you're just high when you go in. It's all, you know, I didn't have that. And they just pointed to a sign like, there's 10 different beef. A little bit. You guys are all sober as a bird, dude. She's cute. that Uber. The GPS, you can get any I love to just travel and live and laugh. Lighter? Or some guy who fucked up. Yikes. It has to be. Artie Lange's alive. Artie Lange's alive with no nose. Stan Hope. That's not. Yeah, none of it makes sense. Yeah. Norm is dead. Bert's alive. Artie Lang's alive.

1:43:59 of truth, benevolence, and forbearance. Whoops. That's wild. We've done this before. Boy, Bud Light is good. I forget how good this is Second best flag in the union But they all wind up moving here when shit goes sideways. I keep hearing about, I heard about like Sunset Strip comedy club about sunset strip comedy clip. What the hell is that? What's the date? You got a date yet?

1:45:49 Without that suit, I forgot. That's water. We don't care. All right. Where they add sound in later? In front of a crowd. It's terrible. That's what people have been saying. It's time for us to start protecting parks. Carolina Rivera yeah congressman. She's on the take like that to a woman of color Was it right after a fight when he was just making stuff up?

1:47:48 Before USADA. Yeah, Clay Guida. That was the problem. Oh, yeah, man. Yeah. I think he knew some moves. You can't leave. and it was scary as shit. would do like eight and come down through the water. You were killing it, dude. Yeah. I shattered my wrist last time I was there with you two times ago. Pretty much. It was great. Wow. The surgeon? Yeah, had to be going at least 80. Wow.

1:50:59 I don't know if I believe 80 is possible on skis. Yeah, if you're going straight on the Rockies. True. I'm going to go 90. All right. Average. 100's so fast. It is snow, but – And just switch hands. Ow! And he goes, Is it okay now? That's holy. I have a scooter, and going 30, you feel like you're in light speed. He stopped pretty quick. Oh, someone's crashing. Ivan.

1:53:21 He's pumping, too. It's like Darth Vader. She's hurting bad. It's a dude trying to take over the girls' downslope record. Some lady. I was very cognizant of that. Were you high or drunk? I was like, Jesus Christ. I've had too many surgeries. That shit rules. without the bottom That was a fun time We were in Park City. He's got a whole festival. He's got Joey Diaz coming back to do it.

1:56:19 He's a mogul. No, or Mississippi or Tennessee So I got up there and said some inappropriate things You'd think that would be relatable Oh, yeah. Christian. What the fuck? Oh, Lordy. Just like a Jesus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. gun-toting. or whatever on who goes first. Oh, you'd scramble on the ground. Nickel, please. For real? I don't know if that's true.

1:59:03 But yeah, fullyloadedfest.com. It's got to be huge. What is that? How many shows are you doing? That's amazing. Easy. Congratulations. Thank you. But yeah, fullyloadedfest.com. I'll send you this, Jamie. That is what an iconic place. South Bend, Indiana, dude. Cold beers, sunsets, music, and a ton Maybe he should. You know how people, comedians will be like, oh, what's he take his shirt off?

2:00:32 What are the numbers? Oh, I see. Louisville, Kentucky. Fine folks, I'm sure. Twisters and they have cool. Yeah, all that shit. That's my bagels was a good one for He says he has 400,000 I'm so happy he's doing this. to do my shit i gotta stop hating i I saw Sebastian at the Garden last week. And then you see it live. Why would they be sober for that?

2:03:15 And then he hits the machine. Russian in college. Yeah. And he leads like a subtle like, yeah, I studied Russian in college. At the end, he hits the fucking beginning of it where he's like, so I studied Russian It's so weird. You got to do that story on stage. Still murders. Yeah, but like an encore type thing Yeah, like when Dice used to do the nursery rhymes.

2:04:46 how much time do you want me to do he goes you want a photo and i go no no i just you know just Columbus. If you were that young. I want to see David Byrne on Broadway. So my buddy. And he was like... YouTube videos of WrestleMania. You went to it or just watched it? it's in there, dude. Pat McAfee. Wow. This guy's Oh, he dropped one. Are these real beers, you think?

2:07:06 Like a Rappaport. which is the funniest thing. loves wrestling. growing up, you're raised by dudes dude. They're so masculine. He's like, I'm like, Look at pre-conspiracy theory, Damn, that's all. That was a good hurt. and all that, my algorithm now is starting to get into wrestling. I know where this path leads, dude. I can't imagine something that I like that I don't get into.

2:10:45 think it's pretty choreographed no they did no they improvised yeah they know who's gonna win It's insane. and we're all just like what is this thing is to watch him like they'll put a guy through a table or off the fucking thing and the second they land the guy So he picks him up. thing where he falls back and like lands with his ass on his face and it shattered his orbital so he

2:12:52 Mankind was like the guy. I was in – You go there, everybody was smoking weed. Toronto. Two years ago. He had to walk with a cane, man. Anytime you see a wrestler, you're like. Rogan the toughest sport Is he still alive? Was he, did he wrestle? Oh, wow. He didn't just do that. Gable? Iron Sheik though he's got the curly tips of the toes oh yeah so this is

2:15:50 So what is the Iron Sheik? The other guy was just going up and back. What to do? Doing it longer. Black people love wrestling, too. How much weight is that, you think? Yeah? Really? Yeah, and it's great. It's still Floyd fucking Mayweather. Oh, my God. Wow. Good for him. do is incredible his brother knocked out Tyron Woodley. Hard. Did you knock him out? With one punch. That's crazy.

2:18:59 with one punch is fucking bonkers. When you get knocked out, all of a sudden the sponsors are kind of embarrassed. But Jake Paul, on top of being a better boxer, he's got legit power. That's like one of the greatest welterweight champions ever. Yeah, he thought he was going to the body. Amazing. Because the thing is, like, With COVID or something. There's times where maybe you should move,

2:21:05 Man is just thinking about how to fuck you up. Yeah, you're right. It would have been a different fight if Tyron had the time to prepare. a hard fight. And that's how they kind of get an edge on it. Right. Askren is a very smart guy. That's what he said. and Will Smith Chris Rock is very small. Put up Will Smith as Muhammad Ali. But show the video of him moving around because there's video from the fight.

2:24:09 That's in photography. Jake Paul. He was amazing. Do you know how fucking hard it is to be a guy like that and also be brilliant? He's fun. I feel like the way Usman dispatches people, man, it's hard to argue that there's someone who you would give an advantage over him. Usman? He was in Sirius and he just came in and I Yeah, yeah. that's ever walked to face the earth.

2:26:37 turning side kick. Wow. And then the fact that he was like, I go, I know how this sounds. Can we see it? It was after the Bomb Squad. Upstairs, right? Well, it must be 2011. They go to the hospital. I've only had one guess. His bully was walking on the street. Yeah, and they're fucked up. Listen, man, if it wasn't for bullies, I never would have done martial arts either.

2:29:04 Right. That was me. Big guy. Chris Rock thing that's so strange. That is the thing. Don't talk about a man's wife. movie cover. Right, but it's like to Rambo. Settle down, Rambo. Exactly. Yeah. Two thumbs up a hero. She's a beast. They made a TikTok. Oh, my God. Did you know there was a TikTok of the two of them before the Oscars Yes. Who's that? He was.

2:32:32 It was posted in words, I think, on his Instagram account. That's a better joke. Oh, okay. I didn't read the rest. They're going through a lot. And that's fine. We did win. Oh, I wish it was Schumer. Hey, there you go. Most people say it's handsome. But there's voices I hear and I go, I can't do that one. Like his rally. I see. No, I think anytime I see somebody talk, I can pick up their mannerisms.

2:35:29 It's a black guy with a cowboy hat on. Stop the steal. You don't look good. He's got a chick behind him. Remember how good shit was? like, what's wrong with everybody now? We're social beings, I think we're not being social But if the, you know how before COVID, everyone was like, this country needs a war. It destroyed the economy. It's just changed the tone of the country.

2:38:39 always at their neck yeah it's annoying and then you see the headlines you're No one's writing. Yeah. She's working. But it's like the ones who do. Shouldn't we help the rape victims? Nah, instead of helping the victims. Or maybe Chris Rock how's he, is he all right? What trauma? A lot of feed Is there a discussion? I'm just going to go do a set. No.

2:41:21 This is the only thing that's going to make me not sad. And we're like, sweet. That was a cool night. Oh, as soon as you walk on stage, they're like, let's go. It was like a two-minute stand. It helps. I hate the cancel culture is not real argument because they go, he's working. They're talking about the tab. Yeah, but we're fired up. It's a public.

2:44:08 hard. And I was like, this is interesting. And then when He does call in. He would never bump. He calls in. Louis calls in. He does call in, actually. He would never bump. He was doing 15. You're right. There's a thing. exactly but the thing is you get to see those people who they really are that's who they really But it is. but the attack over and

2:46:39 comics struggle in general. A lot of them though, it's like Like if you had to like – But obvious is not wrong. and trying to push a lot of these toxic men it happened with the leon callan like sweet more That's not what it is. Ah! Tim Dillon is a national treasure. that I'm friends with. He's a nice guy, but he is You know you guys are going to win 20 games this year?

2:49:11 It's like I'm saying so. But it's different. It's a 10 beer podcast. He's got 10 empty beers over there. Time for his insulin. It just tells you the time and the date, and I'm good. Ah, Seiko. Solid watch. You get a little drunk, you go, protect our parks. Some become jails. I think if we get him down, we have to get him down. laughingly until he walks away.

2:51:44 if Joe slapped us once, and you tell a joke. where's Roy Wood is times a thousand Have you ever been slapped on stage? Last night. What happened? So good Like the So I was like, all right, this guy's just being a dick. And I go, fuck you, you piece of shit. So they turned on me. When he was on the second step. And I was like, I got this guy. You're 11 beers in and you're encouraging violence, I mean that's a wild dude. I support Will Smith I support our Kelly I support that

2:54:35 There's a mansion in the cabin area. What is it? And he's talking shit And he comes on That step was enough to be like, this is you escalating. Miss Pat is the last person. Damn. We did a This Is Not Happening show. She goes, who's going to wear a ski mask and a hat on top of it, number one? You think? Bridget Phetasy? That's exactly it. I don't think now.

2:56:57 thinks he did anything right. He faked a hate crime. And one time I skydived Telling stories with Jussie Smollett. That'd be a good podcast. worked on my show he didn't say they worked on my show because I never met He's so good. Oh, my God. Seven was great. Did you know that the Office all caps changed. That's all has never, all caps, changed. Who's that?

2:59:47 That is wild. Maybe. No, no, he's out already. we're not going to The manhunt. Like, how do you make a living now? Yeah. What was he, a duck? He was in Covenant. He was great in Mighty Ducks. He was in Mighty Ducks? Yeah. The Bash Brothers got him. Can we say how awesome it was that one of the greatest comics of all time, Mr. Louis You know what's funny?

3:01:44 Definitely the best. Suck my dick. I thought it was Sincerely. The most recent is Sorry. Sincerely won? Sarri's better. Didn't they do it? Two years ago. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Shit stinks. He's on Sorry. I don't think. They are so not our people. You need to see this because it's fucking crazy. Look at this Kill Tony nice. That's great. But yeah, you're right. Look at this Kill Tony poster.

3:04:40 Hip hop? I was on Epstein's plane That's cute That was Monica Lewinsky. Yeah. Yeah, that was great, too. Yeah, about- where she had to delete her Twitter. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Rachel Wood. That's Hillary? They show it. I know. Whoa. Yeah. It looks like Jonah Hill. I think she was 20. I think's Jonah Hill's sister. Whoa. Who's not doing that, dude?

3:07:24 Bill. Bill. Bill. Full-figured? It's kind of breast girl. Wrong president. Hillary? Or Bill? Monica. Bill. Okay. Not good. What? It's amazing. and it's like a fucking hellhole and it's crazy what do you mean like what way I'm talking like Inside Amy Schumer the greatness that it was Some of the sketches, the Nancy Pelosi one they did. Bill Maher. Right.

3:09:51 But just visually, that's fun. Give me some vibe. No Butt pics? And she's funny. I'm still hosting. You can do pornography, right? I'll do what you want me to do. Yeah. Yeah. Gay guys. with a dick, it's more valuable than a full operation? I don't give a fuck. You might be able to. I would pay a buck for that. You've got to have a spit guard. Who wouldn't like that?

3:13:24 They spit in their asshole. I would it up, maybe. What? In Cook County Jail, that's what they do. They don't rape guys. They spit in their asshole. Oh, no. down it would take turns coming up and spit in your asshole sounds like a nice treat come on i What's the stack? Yeah, but that's wild. There's this dude sitting at the table. Get that butt. Now your ass a bitch. Six people lined up to come spin your ass.

3:15:29 I wasn't doing that shit. That shit will fuck you up. Spitting in your butt's so nice. Is that what he's saying? It's shorter too, but it's... shit piss nut it'd be a lot of fun Somebody's got a crest tube Whatever you want. Yeah. Anybody eating Flamin' Hots is a problem. cheeseburgers? He legitimately loves McDonald's. Yeah, dude. I mean, if you're munching McDonald's in your 70s, dude, if I eat McDonald's now, I'm like,

3:18:50 Wasn't that his thing? His brother got fucked up by it It's the newest one. Yeah. His documentaries are so out there and so clear. They called it PR. Oh, with Mao and his wife? They're doing outrage. They're doing outrage. I'm going to watch these. You watch one episode out of six or eight? Yeah. laugh? Because people don't like him. Shit big J. We never barbecue. He like, I got frozen beef patties for you.

3:21:54 You get frozen sweats or Pennsylvania. It depends. We'll have to sit next to a fuck. We'll do a taste test Killer. And you go to order and you're like, I don't want these guys around my... No gloves. They look like the bad guys how about that fucking waiter? beer left, I threw the bun in there to get rid of it. I should have said, don't be a waiter, dude.

3:24:08 I swear to God there will be zero difference. He was cooking in my place. That bar is killing. It's a big ass fucking sandwich. Oh, that's bad news. He likes Coke? So it's a sandwich shop slash bar? bar. He was kind of right where everyone's attacking everybody when I'm not going to make worried about saying something that was going to get him in trouble.

3:26:15 I was friends with a lot of them too. He just likes everybody. I don't want to do stand up making fucking who went harder he should, like we all should. is an art form? Then sure, okay, It's nutty. It's nutty. Yeah. And I think they were gonna laugh it off like it was a joke. Whoa, what the fuck? Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me. And I think they were going to laugh it off.

3:28:17 It's like, what are you even talking about? pain associated with it. Because it's dangerous. the microphone like, if I hit a guy and he dies, my hands are considered- In that moment when he got smacked, I could. He literally says, on that stage was the ultimate just full we all wanted him at least to go fuck you or fuck the system I'm out professionally. He played it right. Imagine if he just went full stand up.

3:30:32 or my wife's name Concussion. I mean, I could do it, and he could do it. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do? It's all these fucking workers there with each other. I was going to say. What's he doing? What is he doing? working in a car garage in philly quit bragging and it was always on the tv every morning that I want to say it's 15 years. I bet he's a good hang.

3:33:20 Not even real comics. Like, Norman, I'm like, so I had to call him so this is the show that's fair though he pulled out of the show he was like I'm not doing this And he got mad. I think you missed out there fucking question after I do this next special So I like to do it I was like What was the date They don't know what they're getting. Wow Chris DiStefano

3:35:52 You won that fucking Vespa thing? later from the police station. I was on the road. What is the hand symbol? Damn, you must be sweating. I'm just trying to have a good time. They really did. And somebody else. Fier's renamed storyteller show is back, and it was a banger. Yeah. And then it killed. And then we did a Q&A at the end, and Sal went in the crowd with a mic and was asking people questions.

3:38:21 Yeah. We were talking last night, like if you had to choose between you could do an arena anytime you want, or you could do a 500 seat room for the rest of time. Arenas are wild. And then I did Carnegie Hall. That was awesome. The most? Schumer, Louie. That's a pretty good answer. And then I did It's a cool experience. I did a show with O'Neal. We did

3:39:31 Come back to this old guy. so interesting that the change it was a change just from the rooms of the store just 400 in the There's no fluidity to it. to the OR and it did okay. And then he did until it's like there yeah right away you get the fucking reps is it is a gay Burr was the one guy, he went and saw me do, he followed me at the stand. It was like, oh, fuck.

3:41:49 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You had to. You had to. Do they work? Yeah, but Burt does everything. No, there's a few that still work. So I did it. They made me do It was so bad. Not one. Yeah. And it would show up. He's like, I'm not using you to sell tickets. I've done all these Conans and late nights. Everybody's about to get pregnant over here. How many of you guys have Burt?

3:44:52 He owns that. He'd go, hey. Take your shirt off and be like, people would be like, nah. That's just alcohol. He'd be in worse health. You're right. in. I am astounded. He's crazy, The second we switch to IPAs. Is it alcohol by volume as well? That's a lot of water. I'm never going to the doctor. Yeah, I never went to the doctor. I get in there. They're like, all right, let's weigh you. No, 240. They're like, alright, let's weigh you.

3:47:40 release. The who? say how fucking victimized he was I was hanging out in L.A. For sure. I was doing it over COVID. I was doing it once a month. Once a month? Good shit. Easy there, old man. I was doing it for a minute. Yeah, you did Molly at that. So we all did Molly. Dude, it hit immediately. Kai Humphries. He's Scottish This is the best show of all time.

3:50:04 No, it was COVID. It it two years ago, three years ago? No, it was COVID. So it was like, all right, let's get the fuck out. ride was great. And we were the only ones Was he just letting anybody in? Or the van or something That's so crazy. Totally disproven. Dude, we were just. It's fucking crazy. It's one of the worst things about the way they handled, you know, for comedy, the pandemic.

3:52:04 You got to get a workout set in. The states that don't care. Yeah, I did both. Florida, Texas. New York I'll just do the road. I'll just go do the states. Yeah, you got to get a workout set in. It was fucking great. Of course. And when we came here, we have nurses. Everybody gets tested. And then Tony was like, we're going to do this show Thursday night.

3:53:45 That was the best part. When we did Vulcan But we knew that before COVID I was happy to be out. had to go across Central Park to do an outside If you really killed, you got the wipers. And it was just like, the stand, the front patio, you guys all did it, right? Yeah. And it was just like the show was whatever, but then afterwards Dude, all of it. Florida never

3:56:02 Yeah. This is all pre-vaccination, right? It was the worst city in the world. Well, yeah, because China was like, no, we're done with COVID. And so it was like, oh, shit the numbers were crazy there. Oh, the numbers. Yeah. Well, yeah, because China was like, no, we're done with COVID. Yeah. They kept inbreeding. other vibes that don't quite fit in.

3:57:36 Like, no, no, no. I mean, what's going on with this division that people are experiencing right now. And then you're worried about dying from a fucking infectious disease. Yeah. When I hear about this. Here's the truth. No, there's no solid certainly were and what do liberals continue to fund it what do liberals Black homeless people. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

4:00:01 I mean, that was the joke. Murders are up in Austin at record levels. They just hit random fucking dudes. Oh, I didn't know that. Wow, what a great idea. They're going to stop the show. Those kiosks where they have internet access and stuff like that, like, oh, this is cool. but you can't say lose weight. done to get that? and that's part of the problem.

4:02:21 717, let's go. Sorry. TMI. The one they did in Fukushima was from the 1970s or something. And then they got out of there. No one knows, dude. plane. We're getting hit with that. We don't have hypersonic nukes. It's still beaming out radiation. Oh, right. What's going on? And they're like, actually, we do. But it's like 9-11 was because they hate our freedom.

4:05:38 Yeah, dude. on the bleachers and the Jews The extreme part? The sex through the sheet? Yeah. I don't nutty. Oh, yeah. The extreme part? You just stick your dick in and don't move it. need to be good at sex. Oh, boy. some people do it. What's the thread count? it's somewhat done. But it's not a commandment. It comes from, like, we have this prayer shawl. It's like a commandment. It's a barely done thing, but it's somewhat done.

4:07:21 And they go, I bet they fucked through that. by thinking about I don't think it's that. We're having a good time. She was a soul cycle instructor and a J. Yeah, I'll take it. Don't know. Dude, you know what's funny about that? get a car, you dumb motherfucker. You know what's weird? They look the same. They're not clean. I wanted to know. Remember that?

4:10:24 I had to know. get out with me Tate's there. 100% we don't. And she kept going. You look good, dude. Shredded. I loved being with the shirt off. What if you did it on stage? Look at that. With hair, too. I love it. You can't do it though. You can't do it though. Burt would get mad. You think Burt would get mad? I don't think so. Wait a minute. Fuck you.

4:12:17 Why'd you get a fucking Lamborghini? That Corvette is the shit It's a round car. That's a nice interior. That's a hole in the back in the trunk for fucking sniping. Look at that interior. That's a nice interior. How long have we gone? AriShafir.com. It's used to be your website. Biggest show we've ever done. Give me your dates. This weekend, when's this coming out?

4:14:28 Will be at the Another great club Oh yeah for sure At Ryman in three days We are going Just a storm? He has a fucking gold elevator, and the contractor was like, do you want to hide the elevator walls? He goes, I'm on Kid. He described exactly what Tucker was. We're all going, fuck you, Brandon Hats. On 6th Street. Let's see. Addison Improv, Bricktown.

4:17:00 420, I'm going to be in Fort Worth. we might be drunk all over the road Black, white, and Asian. Those are on presale right now. Bye-bye.