Joe Rogan Experience #1809 — Jessica Kirson Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day And then you're seeing it all play out in court like you've seen all the crazy come out you know do you know the fact like he talked Oh, wow. But he knows her. That is why they're good. It's like making cement, for what he's doing. He's like 60. Well, he's not athletic. Yeah, both of them, right?

3:30 And it's short? Yeah, it's hard. there's something wrong. Right. There's some sort of, like, mental issue. Whatever. There's some sort of like mental issue. The people on the news. Breaking news. Okay. Look at him, I'm on my side of the bed. It was not the dogs. Can you change me I bet you could say dump. She dumped excuse me Then he like. Yeah. She was just as victim and she tried to protect him by not telling anybody and then there's I think that's roughly it and then

8:57 I think the finger argument, when she cut his finger off Why did she do that? With X-lax? Why? I didn't know that. That's incredible that you've never done Yeah. Yeah, it's bad. Heard claimed it resulted in the tip of his finger being cut off. Reminders. Billy Bob and Easy Amber. kindergarten They must have been doing wild shit together. doing the blood thing where they took each other's blood and put it in a vial and hung it around their neck? Yep. Yep.

12:13 They get together into the wall. Oh. Or he wants to fuck her again. Or, or. Her eyes, her eyes, look, it's crazy. Look in her eyes. Yes, or he wants to fuck her again. Listen, don't worry, I mean, I'll just cover for you. It's not like they can just hide and you think of them as impossible people Now you see it. Right? Who'd they compare Britney Spears to?

14:39 God damn it. He has an unstoppable amount of money. It's fucking incredible. And he released his new album only available on this music player. He doesn't just create his own music. He's crazy as fuck, but in the best way possible, because Pete Davidson is banging his his lady which is so crazy it's kind of funny I love it The other... Yeah, exactly.

17:41 Slinging. He's out there. He's lovable. He did? Yeah. Is that good for you? I hope it's on his asshole. Unless you fasted for a couple of days before the brand, so you cleaned out the pipes. It's healthy stuff. We can have cases sent to you. But it's really good and you can press whatever you want. You don't have to put money in it and it's good you ever used any kind of nootropics?

20:12 stuff that I love, like that stuff on the table over there is NeuroGum. it's tasty is like they have cinnamon and mint but what it does is it has my brain is real. No coffee? No, I can't do a little bit of drugs. It was very hard for me to stop smoking cigarettes when I stopped. Like it wasn't, I've relapsed at certain points. I think he got a turkey, something crazy like that, and cooked it and forgot everything

22:32 Like I was like, what the fuck happened? Would you take that stuff if you take Ambien? An hour or so? I would kind of Like I would never take a hit or two. and just get a little high. And that's just. so you went double hard with COVID? Comedy Central special. a little and then that was it how long have you been sober before that? They're like, you feel like you're more wasted than everyone in the room.

26:19 That's great because you can maintain, there's a lot of people that get really boring and How come every industry party You have to have that wall, right? I know Well, Joe, Who said that? But all the comics died laughing It's not funny. You're like this big fake wall censor me or shame me. It makes me want to do it more. Just a little bit Just a little bit

29:30 I hear that a lot. Like all those pratfalls? Look, I mean, there's a whole thing. He's just trying to make it the most spectacular fall. and so when you do this and you do this dozens of times a hundred times who knows i I mean, like, I don't care if I get hurt. into the ground if you have to to get the last going face first off the side I mean, you go back and watch those movies like Tommy Boy.

32:22 And I think it's real. get traumatic brain injuries just from the bouncing. I've heard horrible things about Chevy Chase. I do not know what he like yikes shut the It was something about wasn't it about eating someone? Yeah. No, I think Third is eating out Wait Right I think that's sex I think so. I could see it if you point it that way. But like fingering somebody, grabbing dicks.

35:31 Apparently there was a study where they said that a lot of teenage kids because of porn, No, no, no. that was when smartphones came available. Don't do that. You could have a fecal delivery, unfortunately. It's fairly evil, but it's better than fentanyl. Common cocaine additives include laundry detergent, laxatives. because they singled laundry detergent out.

37:51 Oh my god. Generally, cytotoxic to all cells. That's annoying. Yeah. Diarrhea. A rake. So what do you do when it itches that bad? You kill a raccoon Oh god I haven't had one in years. I know. And it can go all over. You have to have bacteria. I know we have to have it. I think it's an imbalance. Yeah. sugar. This fungus is a you should eat yogurt and shit

43:06 Kimchi's fucking great. add some probiotic to it. Everybody does. I'll have a piece of pizza. Occasionally I'll have Like game meat is my favorite. Yeah, you look great. I eat like the way you eat, but I don't eat sugar and white flour. And she just decided over COVID, she's like, hey, I realize like fucking fat people are dying of this shit. Like shows like

45:17 You could do it too She goes on the road with me sometimes. I mean, I'm not gonna live long if I don't get healthy. It's real. movement that people are saying it's okay to be fat and um you know i'm like i i it was not okay It's pro fat movement. I was not, I was an animal. i'm in a group chat and someone uh sent me this one of the people in the chat sent me this thing

47:59 That's what we talked about. I mean, I went to fat camp as a kid. So I got fatter every summer. Your mind can play terrible tricks on you. So I'm serious. Like I fucking, I literally hurt myself with food. So I'm serious. Like, you can't get it in there quick enough? A seagull swallows a rat whole, Here it is. Watch this again. It's a starfish hole.

50:35 Yeah. Yeah. and it fucks up the ecosystem. But the problem is once a rat sees a trap are not that effective. Traps can be pretty effective if rats are stupid. to check poison. I mean, that's how you evolve and stay alive. Oh my God. Well, here's the thing. Because underneath all those feathers, that's a fucking dinosaur, right? Yeah. That's so interesting.

54:01 There's a snake that died in Florida, Half a million pythons that live in the Everglades. And the alligator broke out of its body and they both died. They both died. They swallowed people whole. At the golf course. They're going to eat each other. and then there's swine flu, going to eat a lot of dogs and cats. They're trying to eradicate them, but there's too many.

57:20 They're so big. At all. I go, can I get that in crocodile? while you're in the driveway with the van your dad's yelling at your mom like we gotta go man They were just one generation removed Oh, there's a video. why they're filming them. Like, look at that kid. Maybe. He does look like he's almost 75 years old. No one. check this out it's pretty good some of it's pretty good no use a much more

1:01:14 I literally just said that out of my asshole. Average height, 5'8". That's pretty old. Average what? Yeah, well, I think it's a food That is a very high weight for an average guy. guess 310 i'm joking 5b i say the average woman's height is 5 6 and i'd say the average woman's height is 5'6", The average American woman, 20 years old, weighs 170 pounds?

1:03:42 5'6"? Yeah Yeah I don't know what it is. It looked really good. just Google does gut bacteria influence appetite? It's bad. Most kids hate it. But I bought a house from this guy back in the day, and he was this really nice French guy. and I was very worried that I would get caught at the border. I mean, I would be happy with cheese, meat, and vegetables.

1:06:48 No. Yeah. and he was saying it is because of the bastardization, Pasteurization is a heating process and homogenization. Yeah, it can, but it also can have none. Raw milk, while providing the enzymes, It's supposed to be better, all that stuff. Arrested? Well, a lot of places are crazy. It's a what? Yeah, you wear like a bulletproof hazmat suit There was a California law.

1:10:51 Because he's selling raw milk. I know. It's really bad. And when they arrest them and they let them right back out the homeless thing. Yeah, it's really bad for crime. Crime's bad? Well, when you don't arrest people. I know. happening, I speak out. Did the guy get angry at you? And I'm a woman. Really? I agree with you completely. About how they're going to reopen the city?

1:12:47 It's like in the Big Lebowski. Oh. bring back the heart and soul of new york city we need our arts and culture back and we need people But the music's fire, right? That is fucking horrible. not only am I relapsing, he's got everything locked down he's gonna dancing was all off. All off. It's like a scene, right? Everyone else is. The music. But it's not even about libertarians.

1:15:59 thing is the worst thing for this country i know This idea that you could be on one or the other team. Things that have to do with their children, things that have to do with crime. especially if you see actual crime and violence, Call 911. It's just in your house do you know how to fend off arms armed thugs do you know how to do that no what are you talking about yeah i'll take

1:18:30 And if they do believe it, they haven't thought it through. Well, people do care, but do you care? to read things that like like during the times of heavy cancellation attacks. You'd be a fool and your obligations, the amount of sleep. Whether it's yoga or meditation or some sort of a ritualistic type of exercise or something. Yeah. Do I really need this much news? I don't do it.

1:21:22 someone will tell me. When something's really fucked up, You have to manage what you fucking think about. firm in who i am as a person and as a soul so i don't i don't let it affect me but years ago to affect things around them, especially if they act in groups. Now, I'm not saying it's good, It's the Wild West and no one knows what the fuck to do.

1:24:55 So this, like, for the first time in the history of human beings, But we have rough water ahead. Censorship is fucking dangerous because it's a mental form of dictatorship. Yeah. And this is where we find We got a movie star type of a superhero. Agreement to take social media for a functioning democracy and i agree what they believe is a... I didn't know that.

1:28:11 That name. That will get you banned for life from Twitter. Megan Murphy. Because she's from Canada. So that's her opinion. They banned her from Twitter. who has a great perspective but you can't get it and i don't think that you should be banned from twitter for saying what you want to say no and i But maybe the Chinese won't sell. Maybe they sell it. It'll be like one of them deals like you think you bought it, but there's nothing in it.

1:31:14 That it was probably gonna happen I didn't see a reason why, but that's. The biggest. Can you imagine the fucking tweet? How much do you want to bet? Let's make a bet. I don't know. You're so much more loaded than I am. What do you want you bet? I don't think he's going to. Let's make a bet. Let's make a bet. That's like a meal. he's got a lot more energy than biden oh he shit biden is terrifying when biden is getting off

1:33:10 I saw it. We've got to get him out of there. This is fucking insane. So maybe he has the Chevy Chase. He had- and most people don't survive. No, I'm not joking. You're telling me he's had all these brain surgeries, Following six months of recovery, he was cleared to return to work. All right. 50 bucks is mine. Joey Roses? Yeah, it looks good on Instagram.

1:36:23 What? Was it screaming? Sorry. I understand why you That looks like me- I'll dip the salad in the dressing, but at home I'm, look at that thing. It's like, hello? A lot of videos of them. I'll dip like the salad in the dressing. But at home, I'm, look at that thing. That is rude. Did you just see it run to him? I think they're all just too busy jacking off.

1:38:47 because it seems like it. Exactly. You know what a crocodile monitor is? But I didn't want to kill rabbits like that. That's very cool looking if i had like a cunty to Florida Everglades pythons, I ate sheep's eyeballs. I know I keep saying, oh, my God, I'm not kidding. But you weren't starving. No. And you ate it. Yeah, I did it for. You would. People eat people when they're hungry. But you weren't starving.

1:41:31 Yeah, this is, Michael Yeo was in episode one of Fear Factor. this week I only threw up once at home and you had never threw up from doing anything, from eating anything? like everybody remembers if you were in school and someone threw up, everybody wanted to throw for real, and then it gave me money I started the podcast like within a year or two of Fear Factor being done.

1:43:46 I had a development. was like what are you talking about you're gonna sick dogs on people and that was the during the Make them eat dicks. Yeah, they had to drink a whole beer stein full of it. The other time was they were riding bulls. I bet he doesn't. And so the girls were making like throw up noises next to them. Right there. cancelled. Because it got

1:46:31 When a woman looks like she's going to die from giving head. They find the kind that immediately runs. Of course. oh yeah Right. It's really true. It's always been around as a premise, but it's overwhelming. Yeah. It's like forbidden stuff. Yeah. It's like wearing a condom. Like, I'm sorry. That's probably where all that stuff came from, right? because we need to fuck a lot and make a lot of people

1:50:14 Yeah. Is that from Just the last money? I don't care anymore. I'm willing to lose my... I don't know what's happening there's like I totally get it. I'd be like, hi, Karen. Not a relationship, I mean an internet relationship. So like, you know, you know, hey, Mike's kind of creepy. Let me get some stinky socks and it ends up becoming more and more But let's just.

1:53:58 From a microwave. um no it's it makes sense to me but yes it is scary i't know. I think sometimes it would escalate to a weird place. And plus, this is the thing, Joe, we do live shows. That scares me. You never know. Like, what do you do if you get, like, imagine. relationship and it might inhibit you from getting closer to somebody because you There's comics that I know, not a lot,

1:56:44 We don't even want to. I i don't i've never seen it I love porn and I'm disgusting. But what I'm saying when they're showing that. Not the only one, right? like that but i always feel weird because i'm also friends with so many female comics so I kind of don't want to see want to. It'll inhibit our conversations. accept it. I mean, that's a lot. I've never been against that.

2:00:35 I don't know about that. But even then, I'm like, hmm, why is that? Yeah. from jerking off to you all night Especially if she dresses you down in front of the whole class and then you get to apologize button-down shirt the whole fucking oh my god yeah it's like for guys it's like a lawyer like I don't know. Hold, hold on a second. that's so much money

2:03:33 everyone on this list with all of their accounts Oh, she's only posted six times. shit though $20 for a month he costs more than Netflix and you get to see She charges $19.99. I like how she's like a business Some of the numbers don't add up She has to be hot. She's balling out of control, though. That's why it's so hard to tell with these goddamn pictures.

2:06:16 people to watch. How weird is that? I love pretty feet. But I don't get where people jerk off their feet. Yeah, I talk about it on stage sometimes. You'd find it in the forest. Because usually Like, it looked just like, because i was living in florida at the time and that was between 11 and 13 i lived in florida He is. That's so funny. Do girls have a thing, like a similar thing?

2:09:07 But women love men's hands. At all. It's interesting. Why certain body, like on our face, why certain features are, like, why are thick eyebrows And why are thick lips? I don't know why I just said that. Yeah. Why is that so. That's interesting too though. Just overall. But the lipstick isn't. I know. it's so prevalent that people wear makeup no filter.

2:12:50 I know, it's true. The filler thing is strange. What do you mean by that? this out of nowhere just live my life he sends me this so here we are some woman on the beach oh Yeah. It doesn't have any fat. Yes. If that was my daughter, I'd be so fucking depressed. Yeah, I don't think she understands that. But like, was it Kylie? and they go well it just definitely works like you should you should like just go to a good doctor, I guess.

2:17:24 Well, people get scared of changing, you know, gravity wins. He's got five different jobs he's running simultaneously. yeah he could buy whatever fucking house he wants houses when he really does do that that's so fascinating sometimes he stays in this little Yeah. Very strange. to him about philanthropy and uh you could tell it's probably real because it's a text message.

2:20:34 When you're shorting Tesla, a company is doing the most to affect climate change. that is an internal combustion engine car. like a roller coaster. Now go all the way back so you can see the actual tweet. Well, he's eating all those fucking plant burgers. For real, why are you laughing? He also has a vested interest in saying this because he owns more farmland than anyone in the country.

2:22:46 brought it were lettuce to restaurants are you serious They're 3D printing know what you just said. I'm just repeating words and then they'll convert that Because they're experimenting and they haven't ramped up the scale of production to the point where they can mass produce and make it cheaper. It depends where you get the tiger meat from. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

2:25:44 of the helmet so a tiger would think it's a face because tigers want to attack you from behind. me with zebra. I live in Texas. I've never heard that before. Is it raw? What the fuck is that? Raw zebra. I can't believe I just saw zebra sushi, number one. Zebra sushi, show me that again. Well, I mean, if you're gonna get people to talk about it, Why are there wild zebras in Texas?

2:27:56 Got it. the zebra. Wow. And they think that design is sort of distract, like, because they're in herds, right? You know, it's like it's not camouflaged in a sense that it hides them, What part? I'm dying to do it, but it had to be like an amazing trip. You're in Africa. You're like, I'm going to go go to africa and i'm gonna hang out with nature this is gonna be amazing and you're in there washing your pussy and you hear another

2:30:41 That is the worst thought I could ever... The conservation body said, go after people. the fucking The dragon. They're horrible. Right. Yeah, right, you'd die immediately, I think. that, that was interesting to me. Well, they scruff. They carry them by the scruff. When they You have to go to Africa. malaria thing was like wait wait what what is this medication like what's the side effects what does

2:33:57 because he's like the nicest guy on earth. the forgotten which is uh uh it's a um they they build wells for the pygmies in the congo and uh Like something like six months It might have been more to help people like there's people that are better than us they're better than us jesse i know better In the world, you mean? I know we've done this before.

2:36:54 That's every year? But then this says it's killed nearly half of all people. We're fucking like rats on a sinking ship right now. See if that's true. Subtract the immortals. at least one in ten would different kinds of mosquitoes that are, that don't get malaria. And they're trying to do to combat is they're creating different kinds of mosquitoes that don't get malaria.

2:39:11 Yeah. doing it i'm not sure and whether or not they know for sure that that malaria will never mutate and that We've never do this large scale. That's what I'm saying. Scary stuff. I'm not not worried. Yes. What if he's cornered? What if like, And what's happening in taking over Ukraine? they have a a literal crematorium that they're carrying on wheels where they're throwing this is according to

2:44:04 I think these oligarchs are freaking the fuck out because they're getting their yachts repossessed and fleeing fleeing to all parts of the globe i think he's going to lose support of a lot of those guys That's what I'm really scared of. I watched this whole video that this guy put up on YouTube. when they used to be a part of the same country just a while ago.

2:46:27 I do. Oh, my God. There was the, what's it called? It was a very real feeling. My stepfather was a lawyer and he was doing a deposition. Because I will never. I live on Long Island. car. He made they're not thinking twice about just being violent at this point. It's really beautiful Yeah Well, it's fun. I want to show you the club. up on jessicacurson.com i'm on tiktok which is funny because i put crowd work videos on

2:51:10 that you're out there