Joe Rogan Experience #181 — Iliza Shlesinger Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Experience. You could do that, I bet. It's a solid piece. Yeah, it was a solid piece. It was a solid piece. Give it to Russ. Like, I did the Rosie O'Donnell show. benevolent father and i absolutely agree with that. I mean, I'm sorry. and it had some holes in it and shit, but it just fell like that and fell apart, I don't think necessarily she is saying that it is or it isn't.

2:18 Oh, yeah. Oh, it wasn't. know in oklahoma city they actually there was all these reports of the fbi removing bombs from the see no one's ever seen a building collapse like that so when they say that those are blips and humans that's our most likely option right i mean when did they make the world trade center it's a They could have retrofitted it. gonna get in there and put all those explosives in it's like dynamite up a time those red sticks

5:17 It just smells like shit. And it says And a pee mattress, Well, by a plane and she's she's true no no tower seven wasn't yeah and it was the only building in history Do you really remember what you saw for sure? but I don't think most people can because you're like you're supposed to be the american government and you don't have an idea how this I bet they fucking tortured them for like

8:21 just because you put a couple bombs somewhere and goes, listen, boys, you see lemons? It doesn't matter. fucking admitting it with your mouth the president getting on tv with his fucking mouth and admitting But not for them. But the reason why they didn't show any photos is because they didn't want him to be a site that people could go to. But the reason why they didn't show any photos

9:56 but before we did, our GIs each had a turn I know. Yeah, Americans don't like to see stuff like that. Americans don't have an appetite for that kind of stuff. I don't want to see it ever again. war we have all of our video games all of our media all this stuff we're like war very few of You know, I watched something on TV where they were talking about

11:53 Yeah. What? Because you're smart. I love my country so much that I just want, like I just love my country and anything having to do with that. I had a Chevy Blazer for 10 years. The shit that we do around the world is just creepy as fuck. We'll say sorry. Yeah, give them some. they can go eat at like a restaurant you don't need deer i don't need that well i mean people

14:07 Oh. so you know she's Native. check in order to cash it early of your soul that's like they're into that i don't know what Could you imagine if one day there's cameras that don't just capture a 2d version of what you're seeing type shit like a virtual reality yeah where you can walk around in the scene. Yeah. Or anything Do you know somebody Oh my god

16:48 Isn't it amazing that there's some assholes out there that are still fighting that war? you're like it's kind of a shitty thing that's a very good point the swastika is a very good point It's very weird. It makes a girl sound hot. You're talking about a Georgia accent. in the dudes that Texas accent I really believe that I just am reminded of my teachers

18:38 to you in Dallas thinking that they that i missed a class and they're gonna drag me back in and i'm not gonna No, but I did have a friend were like playing and i was like five and she goes if you don't accept jesus christ as your you told, your daughter told my daughter supposed to start witnessing oh my god so you you think of things like that not southern gentlemen

20:35 with money and a snotty attitude. The whole state of Texas. Like in the 80s, I think. That's because it's such a wild place. headline that. Well, it's my hometown, Okay, that's fine. i don't know if they would give me a hug but you're usually the one that pulls the trigger yeah and then when you're the one that has to do the breaking up if you're ever feeling bad

23:26 Yeah, I think maybe a patch. You know what you should do? I'm in a little evidence, as if a girl's head Yeah. You should put a camera there. a real toilet roll? to a 24-hour webcam that's only Isn't that weird? If he sold stuff to that area, That's okay. a speculum I guess it would be, drugs well i think you know there's some really lost people out there man and he's taking advantage

26:10 hugged him more I can do that pee while you're having sex I don't know why I'm laughing. like your next door neighbor she was like that 14 year old girl He's a creep. using it but it spilled into the bathtub and i stepped in the bathtub and did one of those like seriously like three stooges like back flip oh my god head hit the the wall last night are you okay huh yeah so

28:34 like the hardest you've ever gotten. It's called What, a death boner? Yes, leaving Las Vegas. There should be a fucking band named Death Boner for sure. I mean, I think if you ask any guys. Here it is. I have no idea. Pariapism? observed the effects of the genitals of both men and women jesus christ what they shoot a chick in It's like nature's Hail Mary.

30:46 Your body doesn't know what to do. that happens sometimes. Don't ask me questions like that. and I don't want anyone in a report that coroner gets to see you naked cause that makes you weird I don't want any of that. Dry, medium, and ready to rock. it's the the writing is so smart i haven't watched a sitcom who played blanche devereaux who was a self-proclaimed slut and she was always running

33:12 I don't know. Which one was Chrissy? Definitely. She has the book on it. she apparently drinks she's doing nitrous and she did salvia and that's that's what it is where are Now, salvia, the police report, Or are you just hearing this from TMZ? No, I'm 99.9% sure. I heard it was Red Bull. the media doesn't have an allegiance to the truth about celebrities.

35:37 That's what I want. Do you want to be a guest on it? The weekly news. it for five years yep dimmy more stream.tv what is our slash weekly w-e-a-k-l-y dimmy more has of effects from it she but what my question is is why did maybe she her body like had a little whoever was with her same exact would know what she was doing so they're obviously covering up

37:53 That's a good point. I know. or you and just melted into everybody if she hasn't had some horrible insecurity I love when you do that. W-E-A-K-L-Y No, the. Just weekly. Oh, weekly. Take out not the weekly oh the stream.tv slash slash w-e-a-k-o-y no the You know, eventually this is going to be a television station, huh? Fuck yeah. It usually has to do with who should be shot, the supplier or the demander, and then we

40:05 For terrible things like guns or something like that. I like chocolate fountain. And by the end, it's all like there's garbage in it. Where is that? It's like a place, like a lot of food for a little money. And he's like some super, super billionaire type character. Is that to make up for it? It was constructed because he didn't have enough of a grade for a hill,

42:06 with no chocolate fountain? I think strawberries I have a blog about it No, you can buy them at the grocery store. No, because I also don't like chocolate. I don't want chocolate. She's undefeated. I nursed you. Because I'm going to have just a stunning child. What if you already jerked off that day and he's got nothing left for you? I think it gets weird

44:13 we are genetically predisposed Like, What the fuck, Brian? You fucking nut. They must have. poor little thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you got to watch them every step. she'll be in an area I lick this and I stick it in there. No, you don't even. That's what I didn't understand. and you're enjoying raising them and talking to them Women are obviously more in tune with being maternal and mothers and all that stuff.

47:50 Oh, my kid's annoying. I don't know. Right. You know, and I think when you've been through that, you're automatically apprehensive as a potential parent of like recreating that same sort of environment that you had to experience when you were a child. Because you have to choose that wisely. and saying bad things to the kids. stuck around so now he's married and he's like you never hear him talk about his wife he kind

50:24 What do you mean by that? We want to be one of the guys And that's, Of course you do. Yeah, it depends on where you apply it. That sounds like Joey Diaz. You want the right guy. Yeah, right. That'd be weird. But it's not necessarily our fault. Yes. space but i would be upset if the man i was dating like never called me yeah right weird opposite me so i enjoy living with someone because i it's nice to have someone to hang out with and

53:13 You like to bake and not eat things? that we already suspected we all knew it all right we've had these conversations with ourselves but she does want a relationship. that has all these guy friends? had guy friends right uh when you have a signal like a serious significant other it takes the place of the relationship you form with a lot of guys you don't need because you have a serious significant other it takes the place of the relationship

54:40 what is that about? If I wasn't afraid of getting punched in the face, I could have been a really good fighter. do video games i don't care are you strong i'm really strong really i'm not stronger than you I bet your kid killed my cat, Once they bite you, what if he got a hold you get a boner I would go you need someone to stand with you and adjust things,

56:30 Okay. Touch it! It's a good place to go to dinner See I don't have a rent It's a condo? It is ghetto, but it's fine. Yeah, where your grandparents, Like I didn't know but if I was, and the thing I thought of was It's on the west side? That kind of dictated You have your gig set up. like i'm i go to hollywood takes 10 minutes i'm on fucking sunset i i just hang out in

59:32 up all night I would. funny when i meet girls like actresses or other hosts and they're like i'm i'm back coastal i'm And you get a nice winter in California. I mean, they start there and then they're from Long Island. They don't have to. Yeah, a lot of them don't ever drive. Because it's its own microcosm. like it's shut up get on your back yeah they can be aggressive Like a quiet aggressive No you can't be on top

1:01:32 Do you? That are freaks No. There's girls who just like getting fucked all the time. Oh, that sad girl that sat next to you Everyone keeps saying they're like, But you were laughing. Right. it can be the lowest form of communication especially between men and women like if all Do you ever get girls that say, I was like you, and then I figured it out?

1:03:50 to do her show i had like a fucking 6 a.m flight she's i mean she's been around she's put in the Was that the one where she played the mentally challenged girl aren't mean. She's a mean one? If you watch Tropical Thunder. Never go full retard. retarded your face will look different and their faces are all still stunning you mean down syndrome In music, you have a retard or retardo when things go slow.

1:06:33 But couldn't you say the fire has been retarded? Retarded. You know, and he would have and then the eight-year-old I had this woman I'm sorry. you view life But you know what? There's sensitive retarded people That's stupid. she not makes fun of him, about me making fun of an eight-year-old retarded boy i'm saying the fact that she had an issue with

1:09:17 Yeah. harp on the exception and that's true too comedy's about generalizing i know and it would be nice if I'll tell you the truth. like a physical aptitude test, Am I naturally predisposed to? Especially if you're kicking to the body or to the head. lower shin like the fibula the little skinny bone yeah the tibia and the fibula yeah dudes will kick

1:11:44 i would rather have be tased and have aids blood thrown in By the time you got to your vial and opened it up, I think I'd beat your ass. I think I would rather have Aids blood thrown in my face. What if it's titanium? if somebody attacked you, you're one of the silliest men and make his own weapons give him something I'm trying to make money! It's this big.

1:13:10 you had AIDS? And you're like, Oh, yeah. Girls will get angry at you. Get away from those monsters. and Waltham, Medford. Yeah. It never felt cool No, it was the girl from that wait what yeah just hot girl Whoa, you fucked her on a webcam? Not like immature. her that's like dude she's been doing heroin lately you know she's I guess she's been doing

1:15:53 else i got and i got like type in something else you know like uh headaches or something you know So she had to confess to you? remember talking to her i'm like she's so nice so normal and then the next night it was uh at some wow i really liked you like the first date i like this girl is cool she totally was like girlfriend and that uh one of us uh just uh you know one of us just drinks every night now.

1:18:43 All right, so I went to this. What I I was gonna say though is that before you say this though a couple of drinks I didn't know anybody like that I don't have any enemies in comedy. You think it's you. Oh, you didn't get him drunk. I blacked out like what's whiskey than like tequila right are you alive yeah and so i that night i got, no, no, no, no. I was like, how are you alive?

1:21:04 So I was, I have it on tape. I'm out heckling the heckler. And then, so then, I felt... in the whole entire restaurant. and to the point where I'm like, what's up man what are you doing shoot you man him 100 it was like 43 dollars i tipped him like uh 40 dollars yeah 40 and i was just like you know Man, stop. And the funny thing is before I went to – before I did this,

1:23:50 I don't even know. I documented everything. You're teasing the world. You gave away all the information. Well, listen, you felt threatened. what was like the homeless, like, hey, drunk. Your butthole out. think i did the same thing and i was so wasted i don't know you remember that she had done that I mean I guess yeah that's such a weird like from a to b like and now here's joe's address the time and

1:26:54 You haven't done this to me many times. Why is it always funny when it's a black guy's penis? and erotic cake. It's a dick cake? To have it delivered to. because it's funnier for someone. You want hair on the balls? It's what I do here. I think suck a cock, it's your 30s would have been way better, actually. growing up when my dad would get boob cakes.

1:28:41 or something. What? in the batter or something. cakes. and then i think when i was like 16 i started becoming boob cakes and i was 18 it was a black I remember you'd go to these people's houses, Brian, what are you talking about? I don't know. sexual humor. and neighborhoods, families. I grew up feeling like and like one or two things but not like on the mantle here well bootcakes i think were more

1:31:33 Never. And I think they smoked weed together, too. Well, that's unforgivable. And he banged his friend's mom. His friend's mom was kind of a freak. And I think they smoked weed together too. I was like 16 or 17 this dude's mom. one of the guys who just got out of the boy's flirting with my mom at the time my mom was in You're going to have to tell some little 18-year-old kid to get the fuck away from you.

1:32:47 Do you ever want to teach him, Train a good one? but I know he's hot. I just want to like hug him. I don't know. Most guys in their 20s are even dumber than girls in their 20s because of testosterone. it's nice but i get this feeling that comics who i know just from seeing around different clubs or Well, some men are just fucked up talking to women anyway.

1:34:49 when he was talking about girls I mean, and he said, Yes, someone will give in. Even on my Twitter feed or my Facebook, like i want to fuck you so hard i come to like something like that and your facebook picture it's just so oh yeah terrible A lot. Because if prostitution were legal, there would be brothels and someone could take care It's our idea that's bad.

1:37:09 Totally. It should be legal. It should safer totally should be legal should be regulated the girls should be checked they should do it like they handle it in other countries you know that's we're so because we're so i think we've talked That's 100% alcohol, right? 100 proof is 50%, moonshine is 100%. Yeah. How can you be more than 100%? and absinthe was legal there

1:38:37 Drinking and drinking and drinking it it used to be that way and it's not anymore it's not quite the same as drunk right it's a little Whoa, yeah? right before he put it in? I love it. Red wine drunk is the worst. Because it's my last birthday in my 20s. Can we just let know Who are you? Right. I sleep 13 hours a night. That's good though. i don't want you sure you don't want one what am i gonna use that for you could just practice i don't want friends to come up i don't want anyone to come over and

1:41:32 Oh, look at the way you said that. like a tooth and a nose it cries well we could we could take it out but we might have the entire And this is bone-ridden tit. It's not like, oh, that's hot. not turned off but there are more attractive not that i want to turn i don't guys don't give a fuck it's all for you i would not most guys don't give a shit about lingerie get that shit off i

1:44:30 Long-haired dachshund. Just to go in rat holes or something like that. She'll bark at squirrels and stuff. crystal meth. It's not like she takes it every day. Well, she's not going to pass up on it if it's on the buffet. With your daughters? Really? I'm going to fucking hurt you, you little freak. Eliza Schlesinger, if people want to find you, and what's

1:46:35 oh that's awesome and I couldn't find you LOL Comedy Club So there's two comedy clubs Yeah. That was the first time, And then the video, must have been horrific. Paul Schur makes millions of people smile. i do clubs and theaters see i i've been coming to this one club in austin for so long it would even true you know there's a back alley where they always tell us they always park right behind

1:49:09 In general, of person to be like, Come here and see Oh, this is what I was going to say. going on where they were doing maintenance and you couldn't park i just right it was such an odd thing and i as a girl it's so quick you're so it's so easy to get Like, let's get serious. reasons why women can't be funny i mean he didn't even qualify with you know there are some women

1:51:40 same category as most female comics why is that I just do i just i see the audience i see my but I tried to never look but when you know from getting the ball And sometimes I'll go on and I'll watch certain ones that I really like, but I don't do it way i felt the first time i saw dane cook this is a long time ago this must have been five years ago when i just started and someone

1:53:28 three years right after last comic after three years Yeah. John Reap What The big, That's so gross. This was even better. Yeah. like, it gives you something, All you have to do is do the right steps. Well, they actually have chest protectors. Yeah, I don't know how much it helps. thank you for joining us it's uh it's nice to have so many cool friends we're so lucky all of us for

1:56:10 and Eliza, Click on the link Onnit.com. We're also brought to you by Shroom Tech Immune. Click on the link for Alpha Brain. Yeah, tomorrow, it'll be one of the best shows we could ever put together. All the Ice House. It's one of my favorite places. jesus christ anyway um helping you out we're uh uh whatever on it.com blah blah blah okay so this We're doing the House

1:58:39 are aligned. I can't fucking wait. Follow Eliza. and he's created this account but he is a huge fan and he wanted you to know oh please i'm going