Joe Rogan Experience #1812 — Doug Stanhope Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. To the point where I go, maybe I should have brought two packs. Did you say, and I read this, that people who smoke cigarettes for some reason were like getting it less? which I'm going to wind up on a respirator at this rate regardless. We got you. And after the show, some guy tries to give him a bag of edibles and he goes, no, no, thanks, though.

2:19 And I split it. I drunk enough that I kept forgetting that I was super fucking high. All right. Yeah, but they made edibles are you taking these days? Because you were always like a non-weed guy. Yeah, but they made edibles delicious. I love, like, gummies. Did you say it fucks with your liver more? and they're like, dude, this is something, this is laced.

4:41 Yeah, like a light, like micro-dose mushroom trip It's so nice to get away from that. Someone leaked something that says that they're going to overturn Roe v. Wade. body is weird because like Texas is a weird law. law no i shouldn't say weird a terrible law where it's Right right right right baby's fault his dad was exactly right. How is it the baby's fault that?

7:42 birth. Like it's a decision that people have to make well and a fetus with an eyeball and a beating heart. There's people outside the Supreme Court right now that were like chanting and rattling the cages, rattling the fences. He meant it. But you can have a child. And it makes worse drunks because- you tell them, you can't fuck guys, stay away, your brother would let you drive his car

10:41 ones i love i just i stare at them and I think about them I think when I look at and there was enough alternative perspectives Yeah, and so on eBay I found Yeah. Just reading old stories is way more fun I mean, I think every stand-up comic got his dick something happened and uh it got removed from his body and then they had to reattach Yes. That's how long it's been.

14:19 I know that. fucking masks don't do anything i'm not wearing it on a plane. That's the line. You're looking at that guy's do you basically look in a cartoon of that guy's dick Here's it. through security and they pat him down They always want to pat him down, because they're like, what is that? And this poor guy, he gets touched up every time he goes to the airport.

16:51 It looks like New Mexico. Does Guinness not touch the genitalia? add world's biggest penis, Mexico? Oh, it's a Mexican man's penis is fake. .9. He's got a rubber dick with uh some cocaine inside of it you see that lady that got arrested at the border and she had a whole like a rubber bag filled with See if that's true. That's horrible. That's crazy.

19:59 At the meantime, if you do it yourself, you, you put this up on Twitter and we talked about it on the podcast. You're 100% right if this is all a product of drugs being illegal. I bet if drugs were legal, I bet the Most adults know how to get some Coke. I remember coming off stage after a show when I was drinking in the front bar of wherever you look at each other tripping your balls off and you're both laughing at the same thing without

21:58 and you peed out the door? Oh, wow. Yeah, you were always on the cutting edge of technology, this is amazing. if he were transported from the future I don't listen to music in the car. Yeah, and you get something out of it. Sometimes you'll drive around the hotel waiting to hear the end Yeah, it wasn't, you know, Mr. Audible. ads, give me some bullet points and I'll just tell you what I feel about this. They might also

25:25 Yeah, for sure. In five seconds, you're listening to some book that some guy wrote for months and months at a time else get out and i don't get out and they go well everyone else doesn't have a million dollar and we're going to burn things off is always laughing you're laughing constantly you're always laughing every but they're angry all the time and they're working

28:57 Do you know what a nocebo effect is? His heart rate was sky high. Blood pressure was fucked. I mean, they're like, oh, my God, this guy's like minutes away from dying. What's going on? What did you take? And then we put stress, bad diet, cigarettes. so you're going to get sick. compared to someone else's stress in the same situation. And you know they exist, and you've met the military guys who are kind of bummed out.

31:59 That movie Hurt Locker. He's so like there's no bullshit in his words fiction or not non fit It talks about the camaraderie that men face in combat and that they go back to regular life. for a really good cause and that they were being heroes. Those guys, a lot of them want to go back to combat. want to do that again yeah but as far as someone on earth gigs again gig of me like three months

34:42 I saw everyone wear it. and it was white jacket, white pants, I was living with my grandmother and my grandfather. And I lived in this house with them. clothes. Which is the worst advice ever for a comedian. the Tuesday mic at whatever worked together for the whole everything was fun until Saturday night Dude, he was doing this bit about, he used to do this bit about coming home from drinking.

37:40 There's no way I can follow this. There was a time, He just needs the attention because he can't sell tickets like you are out of your fucking mind i've read those are oh you know he just needs the filling arenas. That's how good Jim Terrified and I went up there and bombed with my stupid. Where was she's on remember? because I was playing Okay, you do Idaho Falls

40:17 He's still out there? To make it official. Where was that? pass on the other side of idaho can't make it so now i have to cover fucking 90 minutes of comedy Back to square one. special is the big one and then the other one is like if there's a benefit to just going on a Why would I leave them? just a couple days ago. You're not hanging out after the show.

43:30 they tip well they drink heavy what about my fans who are renowned the best tippers are renowned, the best tippers. That's hilarious. where I was doing stand-up. Laugh Stop, I mean. Nobody, nobody knows. They were so invested in the Houston scene. He was glue. And and yeah he was crazy and then they finally start doing well, they never forgive club owners for the way club owners used to make them feel

46:59 And that's how it was with us. that was his he was like his baby like i want you guys to fucking do well i want yeah he was uh he was like really It was so much fun. Well, you know, something like that, that could be done on a regular basis. thing that you love to do almost went away uh i i ran into a guy a comic named mo from houston the street yeah and i i can tell at first i'm like i think that's chapelle and then once he

50:14 That's hilarious. spot. That was a funny story. but killed himself hung himself like off the balcony after a gig at the last stop. Carlin. I'm working this up. I was trying to tally up. before he died in Nashville. so to see him in a like angry place and i, are you just copying my anger, Ralphie? And he had, like, legit health problems. Yeah, yeah.

53:35 and had lost 150 pounds or whatever. Well, it's just unfortunate. Celebrate you. The problem is when they want, like, I mean, whatever one plus one equals five. So it's funny to someone. I don't understand it. You know, there's a lot before he left and he went on stage, I think, I might be having a fucked up memory about I remember that whole It was one sketch that stuck.

57:27 Wasn't that part of what Dave Cross was trying to say Yeah, if you have a hardcore fucking right-wing, left-wing opinion, that we all agree on is like it's vital to both sides like i want to be safe i want to be healthy We all want that on right and left, right? horse in this race and you got people like me that are like what the fuck is going on like

59:37 completely polarized sides and no But you do help by having an opinion. Yeah. You have the same thing where you have fucking fans in every weird place. bigger voice than i do to tell america about the news of what's happening in the Ukraine. So then he just blows me up all the time. He might be a 14-year-old kid in his parents' basement in Cleveland.

1:02:09 and we will watch their bodies burn in delight. here's an email of someone who wants to buy you a home cooked meal. If you're ever in fucking ass cancer, of my office door for you we showed uh your article that you had written a bunch of years ago I've watched all the trial. How do you know it was human feces and not your dog's? and he's very charming, but he's also clearly a nice guy.

1:04:42 Some people are sweet sometimes, and you don't see them when they're— This is the Ralphie May thing that I was be wrong. I mean, some people are sweet sometimes. Some people are sweet sometimes, and you don't see them when they're – it you're like that guy like it took me a while to understand brody i didn't understand brody we picked him up at the airport early uh bingo and i and uh we went to uh it might have been after he had that kind of twitter

1:06:49 because he's off his medication and we're trying to bring it back. And this is a good friend that But you can't tell offstage. Like, okay, at what point? because that was his comfort zone and outside of that, It's really funny. Hennigan would put up some pictures here and again. I can guarantee I've fixed this for a million That's why I just said it.

1:09:49 We have a large gentleman that. Come on. Last time, I think we did it a little early. Bad enough that I don't know that I have COVID, evidently. I'm going to move you out here and get you on the protocol if anything goes sideways. that I don't have cigarettes We get your account back And Instagram will see this as an opportunity I like to smoke well that's

1:11:47 Not even a day. But when they bum them where they don't really smoke, well, I really need smoke. Like I tried this shit right here. It's like chew. two minutes I did bring a vape pen and I'm like I don't know some people like to smell cigars Steven Crowder gave me a nice pipe and some real tobacco. Like I like cigars. It's too good. And there was this fucking arrogant blowhard who was just he's talking over every TV in the sports bar.

1:14:52 On this stage specifically, I want my remains scattered. And he's like, that's not my joke. Atel Dave Atel because he had, about a fucking rugby player shooting himself in the heart so they could study his brain because Yeah, but that was years ago. i i was leaving boston right when he was starting all right i was gone like right when you started that a lot of people had just had these,

1:18:12 Oh the mayor wouldn't say that so it's funny. I was reading this And one of the things that he said, and that what you've gotta do is say, Well if I'm laughing this hard it yeah, you should do that on stage. You just like me, so I can say crazy shit to you. imagine Pryor's material delivered and they feel warm and friendly I just want to make them laugh. I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing stage two

1:21:12 Her and I were sitting there watching this guy, like that's what you want. And then when you get into it, then you learn, oh, that's a hacked premise. I hate to do superlatives, When you've only seen 10 movies, you know your favorite movie. into funny like for me one of the big ones was i was trying to figure out how they built the that you've known over the years

1:23:34 It's kind of like Sean Rouse's Tsunami bit. so many times to do about scabs. one. No, he died right on time. he, first of all, the guy I like to drink every night. rides his motorcycle up to watch the gig and we're in some podunk saloon after the show and Sean Rouse is fucking out of control and he bites a lady and the bouncer And Giannis with his cherubic face went smiling.

1:27:11 price of an auction. And he goes, giannis do you remember our gaffe on the first taping of the man show where we were outside i I wanted to talk to you. because I always have to smoke. the Jesus gun? And we, And he came out sheepishly, he accepted our apology Sorry. night food I don't know and notice Tom had run off to piss I'm like still to and I just looked at him.

1:31:17 I'll tell you what, when I met that guy in real life, Jimmy Kimmel's a sweetheart. Never met him. And it was fucking great I fucking love Fitzsimmons I'm starring in it And Michael Biehn, I told you last time he's my now my neighbor and buddy he's the guy from terminator and what he he goes just let I've never in 40 years gone to a film. Oh, he's been in everything.

1:33:19 He's fucking hilarious. Oh, yeah. And who's the guy that's in QAnon and he eats baby's blood? I don't remember my point in this. Bobcat is just... Bobcat, I sent him, hey, this probably pays as little as legally as allowable. Windy City Heat is one of the best movies ever. And it's fucking fantastic. is the best Bigfoot movie that's should have said that spoiler alert it's fucking great it doesn't matter I will

1:37:06 Tara Lynn Barr. Bobcat takes the role. And this guy who was scheduled to be like a bit actor, a waiter that says everything. Okay, here's your check. you kind of jumped your fucking and our strategy session. It's awesome. Posthumously. One at a time. because- I love him. he believes in the Patterson footage, I played tennis with my good friend, Doug.

1:40:01 That was an actual person. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying. Rest in peace. I'm like, I just did that drive-on. Well, do you drive anymore? when uh I don't really remember but yeah I drove here I know I I maintain being sober a good You told me. You don't remember. And you wrote back, that's so cool. I know. She said, he needs a where and when. And I go, Doug Stanhope, you're on.

1:42:59 Come on. Oh, I'm scared of them. I'm doing them all the time. Don't say her name. She wasn't dealing drugs. Oh my goodness. We've told this story every time, I'm sure, on your podcast. When we know it's fucking over and we're beaten. I came out of it just saying on your wall winked at me I'm not even that big a Bill Hicks fan. You were just insecure,

1:46:12 try to drop that off at the merch booth I go never again we should do it tonight Okay, I'm going to write a bit about this that now I know is dog shit and means nothing because I've been through that experience. Think about you. Worry about what it is. trying to hang on. Life eats life. like overestimated the rpms at his fucking engine handle and redlined but you you got through it

1:48:47 We got to get some more. and we would like you to host it. By the way, shout out to NBC for letting me fucking do that. now we're going to pair you and you up just looked at me not pleasantly and said I don't work well with other people No, he wasn't. Right, right, right. that's it there's Stanhope or no one. We'll blur it out. is if you could do that,

1:52:40 gonna go crazy and say a bunch of nutty shit that's gonna get us sued and get us in trouble i You have like this like weird like embracing of humility that I think is admirable, but it's a marvelous night for a moon dance. What are you, cheating on a test? where I just quit at texting. you use When you get to be my age, you're going to know. 55, and that means I get 10% off at Goodwill on Sundays and Mondays,

1:55:51 i think it was 62 there's a legal age but what is that i don't know if it's a legal age it's to start taking penalty-free It's one of those things where it's like, Now that I'm old, I drive like an old person. I'm scared. I got into this fascination These are tribes that have never heard of Trump or Kardashians, much less. I've tried to write bits but they're not

1:58:31 You know, the Papua New Guinea people are really interesting because there's a group No, that's the North Sentinel Island. And they call the father, like- The Catholic Church, zing! who are told that bachelors are going to copulate with them to make them grow inserted into the nostrils and the latter is often referred to in the nostril that can cause diabetes and diabetes affects 66 percent of the i think

2:01:31 it actually says that NG the weird thing about when grown men sexually molest boys is that those boys, at an alarming rate, It's like, that's a crazy, it's like a vampire It's one of my favorite bits outside just to be in here Jamie Kennedy and Doug Stanhope, They never invite Rudolph to those reindeer games. I don't. It's a funny movie. It's a good, if you have five-year-olds, it's a good movie. I don't.

2:03:55 Jamie Kennedy Experience. I know I've seen this 18 times. What is this, Jamie? I loved it. Did you see Guys Gone Nuts? on the man show. get famous and they were like, whoa, America's next It's a gay tape dog It's a gay tape dog. It's a gay tape, he says. Every day at around 3 o'clock, my best friend Michael. F*** my wife. So what time is... 1 out of 10 of these

2:08:00 They're they're embarrassing and awkward, but there's not going to be a broken bone Give me that in a lighter. Well, you didn't do the things. with a bear he didn't know the bear was going to be there they it was doing a lie detector test Like, if you do it five times, four will be funny. Oh, my God, look at him in the air. When animals attack and you root for the animals.

2:10:33 you're in a plane crash, I wish I could. Yeah. It's not just punching the balls. They said it was going to be a lightweight, and then Ngannou walks around the corner. It's like those guys are really getting hurt. He has a hat on. Do you know how fucking insane that is? afraid of it because i'm i'm pretty good at it and even when i suck at it i don't care you're

2:13:17 How rude. He was diminishing He just hid it in his walls in case shit went sideways. outside of his means which i've always lived on the cheap which is why my shit's paid for for your wife's because you get drunk and pissed all over it thinking it was a toilet. It could be anything. Ocean Beach and Sean Rouse And those were just normal stories from the day.

2:16:07 Normal. That was the Mayan calendar one. That's what a good guy Burr is. Wiltern for this wild show because that was when that was at a time where most people were just doing theaters heard sued me in the spring like everything and it ends with my wife going into a coma that she So all of a sudden there's a new person on stage. We stopped having big parties.

2:19:16 I was putting my set together for the Netflix comedy. san francisco and he showed up at my 30th birthday party oh fucking day. Like, surprise party. And just when I was just in L.A., she was there. party and i was as surprised as anyone that he was there but it's weird to think he was fucking Famous when we were kids. Yeah. That was 1997 is when I turned 30.

2:21:01 No, he was unknown. everyone that I knew going to be fine. He lost a lot of money and the way he did it was like, We did the Tacoma Dome in Tacoma, Washington. them you don't know you have you done it I've certainly wouldn't want to do it as Douglas, listen to me. That's the biggest. that's better. Yeah, but you have to know how the inside of my head works.

2:25:05 Oh, did you finally bring out the Buffalo trance? That's why your balls are shrinking. Yeah, that poster that most In the Spencer Gifts version. Hang in there, baby. It's hard to soar with the eagles when you work with the turkeys. Poster, toddler with spaghetti on his head, kid with spaghetti on his head. Same guy. You're definitely wrong. Oh, okay.

2:28:04 Trebent? Treb name? Trebent? I know. I'm the number one podcast on the planet Earth. I don't know. No matter what anybody says, and I don't care if you wear a bow tie, sense. It's life and death, and the only thing that's good is what feels good when you're a And I at one point I was very high at home. This is how many episodes of the Joe Rogan podcast.

2:32:47 But that's okay, too. You're taking people out of context. No. as Knowledge and we've talked about this. I remember talking about it on a podcast where you yeah I remember when you once told me, and it's vivid, yeah, well, Bill Hicks would read Noam Chomsky and then put a dick joke into it and say it on stage. There's five dried grams, or what Terrence McKenna would say is a heroic dose.

2:35:31 And you just, you listen to his lectures and you're like, I heard Terrence McKenna, what he said when I first did DMT. he has the jargon of the day that it you know it doesn't make sense there's a few things but I do In the comedy war heroin or just indignance, he just decided he wasn't buying into the cultural narrative. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He did that bit. He said

2:37:49 Like this is what's going on It's okay. But I mean, it's okay. It's like that's a part of the process. It's It doesn't make. It's the same as everything else. care it's kind of still it's still creepy that you are the voice of it's bizarre like if you But if I get the call, We talked for over an hour. You had just heard it, so I wrote it down. right now i'm very good at knowing what i remember the point is what is this what is this conspiracy

2:41:53 that sex trafficking ufos you know fake moon landing yeah there's a lot of those. You made me watch a four-hour VHS. thinking that the moon landing I don't think they did. at the time, which like this was all going on, like when Kennedy was president, they had proposed tonight. And to You won. believe the government 100% about everything and think they have your best interests at heart,

2:45:30 because they're just not if you go back throughout history like you go back and That changed my life. discussions that don't have anything to do with us other than their ideas. I love you, and I think Joe Rogan says something fucking normal, pragmatic, bringing people together, and you went to, oh, he said the N-word when? They all came over here, man. This is a

2:47:42 cultural cultural appropriation if you wear a fucking Babylonia the fucking Babylonians tattoo. That's my next tattoo. moved out here. I need you to move out here. Center of the country. Go piss. a heavy psychotic and that's when I woke up and everyone was at the one bar I walked into just trying to find some breakfast. No. Who says that? I know he wouldn't hate him.

2:51:27 I know it's simpleton thinking, hate other people like Jamie Kennedy or Sebastian Maniscalco. How dare you? When I did Alex Jones' No, no, no. You know, Alex Jones was right about Epstein. No, no, no, no. how he heard about it jamie remember my counter counterpoint is Joe Francis from Girls Gone Wild. Like, Alex has problems. a good time and Alex was like talking about stuff you would know that he knows

2:54:58 Because people do believe in us. word, if we're just discussing something that we saw on the news, like what is happening, If you want to say I shouldn't talk about this that I knew from porn and then everyone adopted that word as i think now on fine the people that love it love it the people that love it love it you have a diehard group I thought you went shooting javelinas.

2:58:15 That wasn't even javelinas. Javelinas killed a wolf like dog. Yeah No, never. Thank you for remembering that word because every time. Same as pigs. he's a big, fat So he jumped up in the back of his pickup truck because Javelinas had gotten inside his gate. He was late for work because he had to wait for them to leave. They think it's another turkey.

3:01:14 them properly they said they're delicious they said it tastes a lot like wild pigs but the same So I got here You didn't. Anyway, tacos. Today is Tuesday. Well, it wasn't in the text feed. Maybe I'm giving bad advice. What did I say last night? like you don't right you do chunks every so i learned okay during skank Fest, okay, this is whatever, 12, 15, 8 minutes, I don't know.

3:04:39 Why have you purposely not done Austin? It's a way better situation. I'm guarantee you I'll show you the phone oh do you want nothing on my phone do you want to lose a these are all yeah 100% these are all see these texts right here Douglas Douglas Douglas see these But then under that, I tell you when and where. It's all good. I suck. They don't understand what's happening.

3:07:05 Don't say shit. And she was put in a mental institution for nine months. hbo prime she showed up in 2016 it's in that fucking whatever the no encore for the donkey to work out right after a special came out all right why don't I host bring two headliner comics and we can all take a little bit of time And crush. They fucked up so hard when they canceled her, when they got rid of her off that show,

3:11:03 have sold out five times as many people across the street from It was like, like, she should have been fucking canceled from her own show. We need to let people know that people from Saturn, and I go, I don't care about immigrants it was a long time man there's a fucking pandemic i cried i cried when i left here because you know what the fuck there's so many people in bisbee where i live in a town of 5 000 people

3:13:38 They don't know, No. Doug, I don't watch any of my podcasts. i called you i go i go, I don't think. Like you can't control how she recovers and thank God she recovered, but you can't control that. got in a tremendous argument, But I know what I was. Like, why is it? I walk right through the fucking stage. That dirt. How is Hennigan still around after the End of the World podcast?

3:17:45 because I have to short introduction lad I love those guys. People will find you. No, if you Google Doug. Might be 80. I love you to death I cried after that last podcast That's how I remember it. You left. But you can't say that I didn't say goodbye to you. three blocks from a hotel Like, I'm humbling my way off. search. Your security so dejected like I fucked up the last podcast.

3:22:10 And I think it's a fan and i was so out of my sorts i go yes i will take a random ride from a fan i thought it was a fan and then i started filming it If there's any message we can get out today that can help everyone, you're fucking censoring with all the fucking armies of people putting content up 24-7. Take us out, big girl.