Joe Rogan Experience #1821 — Bert Kreischer & Tony Hinchcliffe Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the Joe Rogan experience Hell yeah. And I go, what are you doing? You guys are cool with cars, man. Sedans are nice. With a nice cool They came back out with the Continental. Yeah, I think. Right. So you just don't have any interesting cars. Well, number one, I don't drive much because I do drink. Right. Sprinter van. Yeah, Steve-O has it. consequence, but he doesn't have a problem asking

3:28 Really? I mean that guy has beaten his body up in a way that very few He's naked. When he was doing that, he was like, hey, man, would you come over to my house and help me with my special? But he's got some fucking crazy stories. and I'm sitting there watching it going like Didn't he get sober though I don't know him. to avoid the stop because he was...

5:54 It's boozing. I love a good gossip session. I'm going to need like half a day to sit and watch like four podcasts I was watching today. he has recordings of her admitting she beat him up. There's no recordings ever of him saying that he beat her up. She's insane. The best part not true. That's incorrect. He is suing her for defamation because she wrote a whole article saying that he beat her

8:28 I just wanted to make sure before I play it, sort of. Yeah. Her name is Claire, and she was cross-examining her and crushing her. She kept saying, I pledged the money. And said, that's not true. I pledged the money. That's correct. She kept saying, I pledged the money. months after you got that money. Back it up a little. That is correct. And you say this because

11:36 I use pledge and donation synonymous with one another. I have not yet. Johnny sued me. Wasn't my interest. You wanted to make those claims seem believable. end quote that is correct i pledge the entirety i'm going to need to strike everything after yes Sorry. entirety. But you didn't donate. I wish I had Amber. Unfortunately, you didn't donate it. It's

15:50 What, the lawyer where he's shaking his head? is that if I had a lawyer and I was like They have teams researching everything you've ever done. You just can act good. but if you are on the witness stand and you're talking about something that is as clear as They're not even ask a question and then I can do aquaman too and now she has fucked up her career yeah when she could have just been yeah it didn't work a score separate ways

18:40 it's so crazy, man. Well, he's out. I'm bad at impressions. So he made these statements. that he had declined to charge he had given quaaludes to women in an effort to have sex with them system demands that the promise be enforced. So they let him out. mr. Simpson we want to talk to you about the murder of your wife well what my Yeah there he is I love when people get new teeth and then it's like all you can see.

22:26 Cheating on me with a I was going to get my teeth done before I did the movie cracked all my teeth back to my molars. They look like real teeth. Like the obsession with getting the ones that you're born with only Like find this. Oh, fuck. holy shit dude that's him down there with no teeth and a mouthful of slave teeth fuck I don't know. What does that mean?

25:55 There's no, like, one better than the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was probably one of the first. If anybody should pay reparations Oh, my God. prototype for what a villain should look like. Louis Vuitton. I don't know what that is. Well, dude, when I do the post-fight or weigh-in interviews, rather, weigh-in reading people's Hasan Minhaj, I'm saying his

28:55 It's Hasan. Fyodor. Yeah, it's not Igor. But for whatever reason they decided people can't say field or so you're gonna call it fade or but people can say Schwarzenegger Put your hands together. Like, Columbus was a horrible person. mothers they did horrible And I listened to it on tape. Wish I knew the name of that book. What's the point of putting the poor conquerors? That's it the conquerors Roger Crowley and

31:55 It has to be. countries and regions. Angola, Brazil, Cape Verde, East Timor, Guinea-Bissau, Macau, Mozambique, But one of the ways they did this for sure is slavery. Depends where you are. Bro, people... Really? Like, what is that now? they got it and they had to take all these layers of shitty paint off and in the process the the art off a Leonardo da Vinci was absurd.

35:38 And The Lost Leonardo is a documentary that I saw. It's a crazy percentage. new paint. And they're It's like, what the, like. That's the least of the things that he's been accused of doing this is this is the guy that was accused No taxes. That movie Tenant I'm sure that's happening. Okay. I don't have that money. sitting in front of a computer going,

38:39 And then this poor woman, Well, that's early. and they were like oh i got the You could literally say it into your phone. we've seen the biggest change in how people live their lives in human history. First of all, You'd have to go to a fucking library to investigate. and then people that knew him showed up to college and were like oh don't believe a word he says

41:14 He spoke Portuguese, or we think he did. Hey, what percentage of the Salvador Monday was fake, was retouched? Would it change your opinion of I'm really litigious about that I take tags. I want to date a black chick He's here tonight? I haven't talked to that guy in forever. It's fun to have conversations with him. Oh, yeah, just tomorrow. You know, like the things we like.

43:31 No, he doesn't do anything. He's a good dude. I just need $100. I'm not I've never been on top of my finances Joe You were ready to gamble and you didn't have 100 bucks. Well, I didn't know that I didn't have 100 bucks. Like so broke, all you're eating is peanut butter and garlic? just barely eating enough. and they made Oh, yeah. But really, it should be like two separate things.

45:39 They have a different life. Oh, I agree. You ever have government cheese? Look at Ronald Reagan holding up the government cheese. What's also wild was those, I always wondered why his cheeks stuck out. Shane Gillis. Points did a whole thing on it even know yeah like done deep dives on the US presence Louis is smart as fuck He did a podcast with us.

48:26 Dude, we did the Celebrity Theater in Arizona. That's awesome. Was doing a show at a theater next to me and I texted him and I was like him And I was like, yeah, man. of you and then you're gonna have shirt off and they're like, it's not Louis though. Oh. Remember them and it's the same thing. They're like, where are you gonna put him in the lineup? And I was like fuck I was like, can we have an intermission?

51:08 Yeah. They, I don't know. Was like yes, I mean I was I was getting two grand a show. And he was like, And it put in perspective where I was in stand-up comedy. You figured it out. You're always going to be doing something other than stand-up comedy. how when the algorithm just doesn't make sense. no prisoners be undeniable and i remember going I wrote that in my joke book be undeniable

53:52 Running that hour. you get to a skill level you get to you know a refinement of this creation that you put together kill, people want to see you. you're funny yeah it's uh it's kind of a cool business to be a part of that he thinks of ideas as like fish It's so fun to, this wasn't like a decision. And that is how you can fucking find solves for stories.

56:17 There's many times where there's a new thing that's happening, when you get the, the next time you go, Like it's a brand new bit. And now you go up and do it. It's the first time you're really performing it, and you'll think it's funny. laughing with every other bit like that might work if you're in row 10 yeah you know what i mean it Right. They'd go, oh, the fucking fake laugh, and they'd walk out of the room.

59:37 You can tell who writes the joke based on who's laughing. front of the execs back then, Yep. It's amazing. They're not like 100% people. It's so weird. Miss Pat's show is awesome. i watch her show i'm like this is a good fucking show like this it's you know it's good that it's Oh, that's what it is. name on a sitcom like the fourth name on a sitcom.

1:03:16 Whatever it was, when they were reading off, Yeah. No. like we got there it is there it is this is what we've been telling you about this is a real one i mean imagine what like you become super famous and to relate to because it's not most of your life most Most of your life is Tony Hinchcliffe, regular guy from Columbus, What they are is just crazy.

1:05:48 But some of them are just complete insane people They look good. We know some of them that are comics. They backstab people. And I just couldn't help but be me. Yeah, they didn't they didn't have a YouTube. They didn't have a podcast I get it. She was upset that you shit at her house? She was upset that I shit at her house. I was like, I don't know, man. I've you use it for? Like I didn't, it was a party. She was upset that you shit at her house?

1:08:15 What do you want me to do, just run away and go to the forest? Did you have a cape why the mask on I was like, how did you know it was me? For sure. I've taken like four shits today. I don't know what's going on. It's called good eating. I've shit here. I can hear making coffee he can hear this these bombs going off I've taken like four shits today I don't know what's going on

1:09:36 how james brown wound up shooting at somebody and got in a um an armed chase with the cops Google that just in case. Stormed into the insurance company next to his office waving a shotgun and complaining that strangers were using his bathroom He would have been a fun guy to meet. Here it goes. When the police arrived, Brown led them on a high-speed chase through Georgia and South Carolina.

1:11:21 Who was in the biopic? Wow cuz he had cancer and he knew he was dying That sounds crazy. to those people I can't help myself. Any idea when? oh man whoa knowing he's dying of cancer and had been for years not telling anybody and then There's no fair. well he's got a mask on. You can't tell. Right, because he's dead. I mean, that's what I would do. with different peter park. They keep switching.

1:15:42 I mean, who knows? It's in Marvel. Go balls to the wall, make a fucking crazy movie. Oh, sorry. Into the Spider-Verse. want you could have people come from other dimensions you could enter into the dimensions Tell me. It's crazy. So you think if you have a time machine, well, oh, I'll just go back to the time tomorrow will be Wednesday and the next day will be Thursday no no it's

1:19:56 And then, bam, your wife thinks you're the smartest guy in the world. What's one thing you'd like to see again? See, that would be a different kind of time travel right now go back in the past in the past what's one thing you'd like to see again see that would be a different kind of time travel that's an unrealistic theatrical version you'll become immortal. Because whatever we have right now in terms of technology,

1:21:55 be no intellectual property because there'll be no way to say you came up with it first it requires immense immense power. That's him. Ron Millett built a device that illustrates the principles And they think they have a working model of, you know, like at least a theoretical model of a time machine. with some unusual properties this godel universe permitted closed time-like curves, hence a kind of time travel, and it

1:24:38 it's out there yeah it's all around you that I don't like infinity I'm that I got fucking gives me a panic an interpretation of it like say if they wanted to do that today and they had this unbelievable Easter Island's pretty crazy. There's a lot of cool shit about Easter Island, for sure, but it can't fuck with the pyramids. Oculus thing I thought you'd like to try it out

1:26:46 you could have you can watch porn on it and they have a porn that'll link up to a vagina that you They both have oculuses on. Like, if you had the options. Just fucking Westworld's fucking awesome. Yeah, well I'd like season one. I didn't get into season two I But where would you want to go live out like if you could take a pick a time period? They had a shitload of horses.

1:30:08 It's like the weirdest stupid white replacement movie. Genghis Khan. Yeah, but says it, and that's how you're really supposed to say it but that guy was responsible for 10% of the They killed everybody. people and stacked them on top of each Now, when you Yeah, yeah, we're watching Catherine the Great It was like no one knows about him. He put paint in his soup.

1:33:23 The dog died. Mississippi burning. I bet they had gotten away with it already. So they arrested him. So they grab arms. They go to surround the jail Destroyed the Greenwood district and we performed a block from where this happened and you think and they just 21. Yeah, it's kind of crazy. and more and more reporters, and there's more and more distribution of these stories,

1:37:00 Right. How would they catch you? and they're having fucking shootouts in the street Was there like an oath that we'll do it at the same time? We'll Kid. The story about Billy the Kid, right? I know who that guy is too. You're the sheriff now, and you'd be like fuck man And then there's no law. Pretty wild, man, to think that that's not that long ago.

1:39:50 I do it differently than riding horses, but do when you get there is a symbiotic moment when you go full tilt with a horse Yeah. It's like, ow, ow, ow, ow. You become one with the horse. I would do that. That was fucking crazy. And by the way, this is my horse. Guy lives in Texas, too. Learned how to ride a horse. Learned how to yeah yeah because you know you've been with this horse for the whole week so you know this horse

1:42:56 Like when there's not much else to do in this world, go, oh, yeah, I'm going to be a fucking cowboy. They love wrangling the cows. It's very primal. like and but i didn't know i didn't know enough about horses i hadn't done all the training before Whereas I was trying to get him to stop, I guess, but I was putting my feet on his belly, And he's like, no, it's you.

1:45:12 Yeah, horses are, it's an incredibly powerful animal. Bulls are fucking, I'll never fuck around with another bull. Broncos are insane. Bulls are fucking. It's insane. Bulls are fucking. I'll never fuck around with another bull. I think I would much rather fuck with a This guy got one under the chin. Look at this one. No. There looks like a hole in his back, too.

1:46:54 They stabbed the bull like five times with those things before they kill it. what happened to your neck if there was, like, at the racetrack or something like that? It's here. This is a type in the. It's not that dangerous. I was in college. Oh my god, it's gonna get trampled Well, they are trying to touch it. You could theoretically do this and never see a bull.

1:50:12 Well, how does he know? Oh, fuck, man. Oh fuck That would hurt too That's in his leg. That's in his fucking leg. So me and my buddy Weecho went up and climbed up on a ledge, never see a bull because it's that many people doing it it's a ton of fucking people how long boda bags of wine and so we did it for a second And so we went and stood up on a ledge

1:53:07 Isn't it wild that there's parts of the world like Europe? running bar in the world I think it's been a bar for like a thousand years something crazy like to figure out what that was and then yeah what and then that's probably what it used to look like so that was like the the outside of the wall like Bar Makeover went in. We're going to fix it. hear someone on television that they have

1:55:51 And then the bartender shows up and the bartender's mic'd. And they signed a paper that says- because you were like, they just have these fake scenarios they have to follow and it's not real it's just like shitty the it's like we're like, just fuck it. they know how to fill time. And I just said, She's like, like, And I'm certain she has heard them.

1:57:50 We said some pretty aggressive things to Caitlin, too. On them that morning. I'm dry. I'm going to the cabin my dad's like I call my dad Caitlin was in Montreal doing the and my dad's using the right fucking name right using the right pronouns questions I want to ask you your pole vaults uh were they uh were they polychrom was it was it What's the fucked up questions you asked?

2:00:05 All dick jokes. in when the exec i remember where i was sitting in which direction i was looking when the executive through a window at us And then you're forced to scramble and come up with good lines for it. just firing off cylinders plus Like, I didn't realize. Yeah. Not a bad looking family at all. Now Travis Barker's married beautiful goddamn family. It's not a bad-looking family.

2:02:41 There's no genetics in the world that are going to cross out whatever Pete Davidson has going on. Off the charts. Trendier son or whatever. Have you seen all of them? I haven't seen all of them. And they took it down. He was doing a run of Pete memes that day. are for business, for their business, Oh, it's like my life. Is it unusual? No, he did a Gap collab.

2:04:59 And he made a sweatshirt that I put on and is my favorite thing I've ever put on in my life. thunder blanket i would imagine that's thick as fuck it's thick as fuck and it's and it's like Yeah, it's like goat. No, I haven't seen it. he shot on himself when he was nobody he was walking around with a camera and and every nobody And Kanye bangs out the best fucking 16 bars.

2:07:31 it for jay-z he's playing it for fucking uh for uh pharrell he's playing it for them and they're It sounds like it too. Not to worry, Mr. Ace, it's a little bit of a blizzard. who was always on the wrong side of history, Red Band, got to sit in for you, the biggest Kanye fan. No, no, no, no, no. If you get in the way of it, you're just going to get run over.

2:09:56 He probably would have been like, who the fuck is talking to me right now? I wouldn't have worn those shoes. Jamie's always making fun. What pants would you wear those with outside of shorts? Good luck? But you could. I just dressed for like whatever the fuck I feel like wearing like here Yeah Was it Ari Shaffir? The comedies. I've been smoking a lot of weed lately.

2:13:08 You saw it. Very fun show. I've never seen anything like that. Nice. I enjoy trying to sell tickets. and then people were like, hey, man, you want to smoke a joint with me? 2022 so you set it up now and He's like, no, bro. I've had some really bizarre experiences in stand-up that I feel are unique to me. 22 years ago, Russian Mafia. 13, but yeah. But I do it every show, and they were singing it along with me. And then by the end, it was perfect.

2:16:38 I was like, this is the craziest experience I've ever fucking had. of that, right? So I was in Columbus that And this is back, this is Death Squad Ohio I told it and they're like hey man tell again tomorrow Yeah. And then it's just crazy. 10 or 11. I was on Travel Channel. It was 2009 2009 2010 on I said what and they go you don't know it's blue cheese or go fuck your

2:19:50 I go, I haven't caught up. I was trying to get everybody to do it. One, I was drunk and I was like, I'm never doing this again and uh and I had all the equipment and so girl walked into my And I was like, what the fuck? And then, and then from that you go, Hey, I'm going to be in a, I don't even, I don't think they, oh, yeah, maybe they still do it.

2:21:46 They're fun now, too, buddy. Look how young you look. Look at Red Band. We'd go to the hotel gym. Look at him. It's a good challenge. It's a great challenge. That's me and my fattest. Right. over it and shit, and he was talking about how four months ago he was 60 pounds heavier, of people going I'm worried about you. Yeah, we're worried about you. Yeah, whatever.

2:24:36 Because I was on stage in Chicago at the Chicago Theater. It was just like, I thought it was gonna be I remember one time Jamie going, hey man, did you sell a lot of books? with people get obsessed with numbers you know like if one guy's selling out 3,000 tickets but And when I did that was i was doing that place Yeah. It feels like they're up there.

2:27:06 You will run the risk of people not being able to hear what you're saying It was so much fun and and and shows were just, everything was different. I got to have you come out Fully loaded, man. with their trucks filled with ice Yeah, you're, not that Jim Gaffigan doesn't have a very rabid fan base. Dude, we did Colorado somewhere, Grand Junction, Colorado, and the other day on my tour did an amphitheater.

2:29:18 the biggest fucking wilco fan what's wilco jeff tweedy it's a band out of Chicago they're like alternative country kind of I made him a little uncomfortable He was like, well, I gotta go on stage. can't believe he's crying he's like that's how much Wilco means to me. Is that a song? Wilco loves you? Wilco. It's on the album Wilco. Yeah. Wilco. Wilco loves you, baby. Is that a song? Wilco loves you?

2:31:29 I get on my motorcycle. Leave it. Yeah, I'm sure it's okay. Are you under the impression? We'll go, we'll go We'll cover all the ends Now picture oh, oh. We'll go. I like it. We'll go. A pack of wild horses runs up next to me in an open field and keeps pace with me. Oh, oh, oh. I didn't know you were in a country. It's alternative countries. This one album that year that whole year I did Travel Channel

2:33:51 I don't give me a little bit We have a strong green room playlist. It's a half hour before showtime. This is our- we go on stage you got whiskey Florida. Jesus. Kid Rock. Tommy's like, I want to fuck up Kid Rock. You know I mean I just like that. I'm like I wanted to talk him out of it with these giant ass green rooms yeah So he has this giant ass green room

2:38:14 I have no vibe. I like to work out before. Once you start, it gets more and more fun. We're doing key bumps of ivermectin out there. It's almost like you're warming up. It's always his friends. show and we're like you know we've got a thing we've been doing this for a long time we've got a it was last night and someone else is like let him rant Do I get to talk?

2:41:15 this is not true Oh, yeah. I didn't give them a speech. I actually didn't. and you're like, oh, motherfucker. and some guy will be talking over them. Of all time. doing? I'm like, you gotta get him out, man. Yeah. there's a certain style of comic that doesn't really want to become undeniable. you it's not just they know you and if you get in there all of a sudden you'll be in you know hey

2:44:19 You're barely getting going in comedy and you're asking to go on the road with us. And even, like, Hans, who just got that role, had to kill, what, 200 times in a row? Hans right there clean it up what autistic people don't recognize mayonnaise nah he's And so we're like, okay. look at you guys look at you guys yeah But you're drinking right now. They're cool.

2:47:11 Two-a-days? absolutely zero excuse because i'm home for three fucking i've never in my adult life been home for green yeah yeah yeah they said it's in the green. Yeah, I have a glutathione rub. And you wake up with your stomach stuck to your sheet. We do IVs pretty regularly on the road, and I do a glutathione push, and I get my IVs. Bitch, I know exactly how much you drink.

2:49:39 I don't have my first drink until, like, fucking midnight. No, not at all. I don't have a problem having a drink and going up and messing around or getting high and messing around and trying to figure They've been drinking all night, and then we were wheels up at 2, and you fucking end up getting in bed passing out Damn. And your brain's like, oh, my brain's taking over. I'm going into sleep got a busy day. I got to work on that joke. Horses should be running next to me right now. You're like, wait, what? What the fuck did I come from? And your brain's like, oh, my brain's taking over.

2:52:00 We were in Texas, and I was looking for a way to get outside. I used to play in college and we loved it in college. And then we get like legit discs discs like Innova sent us everything and disc golf courses and the greatest disc golfers in the world the philo is this guy that is a genius was like what the is that and he was explaining it to me it's so much fun first time i ever got

2:54:32 I remember that one being cool. You get some beautiful courses where you got to go through this long list of trees. He built like a 29, He has a tournament at his house. and i just people would hit me up i'd be like i'd send people my shots i could give me notes if you're throwing but I mean that's kind of dope too It actually kind of enhances it. having a resurgence?

2:57:23 Like, you'll see guys throwing at 450 feet. They have a great disc golf channel. You get addicted. You should. I'm trying. I'm trying. That seems like somethingbearers, one-cave disc golf tournament and get a million-dollar purse. You should. And we, I mean, I get access to a lot of things now. 250 discs on the bus. What? 200 bucks. in a minor league stadium.

2:59:18 So I was doing, and then really snapping it I was like, fuck. and he was like, let me show you how to throw forehand. And they both do both. Oh, whoa. up around this tree, end of the fucking thing. is like because I'm they're like machine I was like what's up Oh, dude. That's a good idea. I don't know what the fuck is happening, so I'll have to ask you.

3:02:37 You know where we can do it at? lives is literally Jesus Christ. And then you got to play. That's it, yeah. And my dad played great. The next morning we go to play Pe great, and my dad played great. And on the first hole, he's like, Every time I've been right on the coast, if you're standing there. He is fucking high as shit. He couldn't play. blindly and my dad at that part five

3:05:44 You know? This is a hard By the way way at this whole Tony I said to myself wait you're probably working. It's hard to get into shit, though. how i was saying this tom i want a hobby like i want a hobby i would love to want to hunt well I should come up with my own line of disc. You realize you are the master of your own destiny. Like, I think if you guys do the Two Bears, One Cave Invitational,

3:08:11 It's almost impossible to get people interested in pool. It does. like almost was that 86 what year is that I'm like why isn't this not more popular because it's so pool is so addictive Mm-hmm. and just sort of doing just enough to win, He looks good. Like he was good. And in that game, you have one ball that's the break ball on the table, He plays like a real pool player.

3:12:30 He grew up in pool halls in New York. Jackie Gleason was Smokey and the Bandit. a good stick. And they have this little banter I hear you've been looking for me, and they have this like banter back and forth Like what? Yeah. but like the things you're interested in Project Veritas and No, but I don't remember someone telling someone talked about it

3:15:41 The fucking show on Netflix So they have like an in-car camera? was like i'd love that i go that's all i need to know is that you'd love that because if you love it i'm gonna love it i'm gonna love Like, it's all, the shit you're interested in, other people find interesting. to me. Yeah. They're very consistent. I'm telling you man. I would just I would just I

3:18:23 That's what I'm worried about. I don't have the time bank shots and how to put the right Yes. And get two whatever entry-level recurve bows for the girls. And I said, yeah, yeah, that sucks, And this fucking kid would just, all she cares is the swoop, swoop, swoop. I'm like, he's got a fucking dog. very, like, from the first steps, and then that process of learning stuff, you get better

3:21:02 It's important. I want to learn how to surf. I I would love that. I would love to do that. is that surfers today have access to wave pools, and so young kids Yeah, I would imagine. I watched them, I think I watched them take his son on Instagram. Oh, yeah? Son's a badass fucking surfer. Yeah, I would imagine. And I would love to be able to surf I would love to be able

3:24:02 I suck. He goes, can I give you some advice? I could get do this with David Lucas and Red Band Get fit. Come on, man. around and this thing circled yeah that's me so this thing circles you and goes around you and She's like, you're fat. I'm sorry like very direct is do you when you do us people that grew up in socialism? You need to make him look like me.

3:27:27 An action figure, right? And I put my shoes on. I look like I'm in someone else's clothes. They send me meals every week. I'll post it. Well, I can suck that in. 100 really oh are you fucking kidding me yeah i don't know i don't on a tour bus? Because I like selling. Is that what it does? It sells tickets? Oh, 100%. But then they know where you are at all times.

3:29:46 No. Everyone lives in there. We have them condo style. Fucking sweet bed with a bathroom, my own bathroom. I was like, we're living on the bus. We're staying in a bubble. Oh, my God. And then the next night we had an amphitheater in Toronto. It's not ideal. I don't do it as much anymore, but I still do it a little bit now and then. Get a heads up for the tour manager.

3:32:28 god damn it man i forgot apocalypto is a badass fucking movie or just watch this while you're We have a smoker we travel with. We'll take the bus to like we were Breckenridge. We took the breast we were on the way to through, Colorado Tony Hedgecliff you're the fucking man the best live show in all of comedy. in my opinion, it's a cornerstone of comedy because it lets people know like,

3:34:39 in front of an awesome band, an amazing live crowd that is like diehards It was epic. Love you guys. Still do BurtCast. All right.