Joe Rogan Experience #1844 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. I know. Right. What it is too is that for somebody and you get notes back. And they're like, Okay. i feel like in that window is when i got the deal to do this and i was like yeah i'm not gonna do And then when they come back, it's like right before I get injured. So I think I, I'm then in Some chapters you get notes on say things like, you know, just add something here and there.

2:56 Add humor. Because you don't have to hit a very specific note. He's not uncomfortable. Oh, yeah? really masterful at pauses yeah and leading you somewhere somewhere to then drop it on you. I mean, I have part of my hour right now that is slower building, you have to pay attention to that. you have to it's 10.30 be your biggest fan they're like i'm here to have the like to see my favorite person and they're

6:04 and it's probably 30 minutes into the show, This person says it like, why is Bert fat or something? And I'm like, okay. or, you know, something like that? you don't even hear something, And I look up there and I'm just like, whatever. I go, yeah, I sensed that something was going on there. So he's like, yeah, my friend was sitting in that section, So then security comes over.

9:25 and meanwhile he gets out and as he gets up to the upper balcony exit area he runs and he sprints He just like squatted forward and pissed on the floor. So he didn't want to get up I know. Come back. I have to do it, yeah. He pissed in a whiskey bottle in the hallway. or comically if you have a very small one. I dare to say it's not a memorable dick.

12:31 Big balls. Seen Joey's balls? And he was like, I don't know. Yeah, so we all were like, please. Donate now. Get six onions. Who knows what's going on down there? Bert got his blood work done. Go celebrate like go have a good time. He was like you just gave me orders to do that. Okay, I You can find them on YouTube. Sam Kinison, same thing. some of that for sure well i mean look at the massive success he's having doing it, which is part of the problem.

15:54 That's part of the show. and I was like, do you have to tell the machine story? They really want to hear it. How. They really want to hear it. on the podcast with Simpson. I'm like, the fuck, you can't. You know, like, I've had conversations with Tony about his act, you know, I mean, the thing is, you get suggested bad tags, you know, by people. Yeah.

17:58 Oh yeah, I don't even read it. I'll do the thing, too, where I've, you ever do a set, and then you see another comic doing a set, So you know I didn't get it from you here tonight. Mm-hmm. had his mouth open like, You can't do it. you just fucking do your set. Like imagine if someone was a headliner and they kind of suck. Callan had a conversation with someone once.

21:33 Right. Yeah, let's get somebody else. We're fucking back. It was wild. July 4th week of last year, Those, Yeah. Oh wow. What are you doing? It's wild. And we haven't even announced the uh the final leg that is so crazy you have more legs yeah so we we have everything announced through this year uh domestically so i do i do so many this Are you doing like half and half?

25:16 Denver's fucking great. If I was going to pick up and move, I think, the thing about Denver is there's comedy. Great restaurants. Great restaurants restaurants people are cool as shit river no the river is not going to get They fixed it. And they moved them out of the streets. They really did. Because Brentwood, for somebody that doesn't know, That's where OJ killed his wife.

28:03 And it was just like- Out of control. That's what I was very surprised by. daddy got a little too high whoo I was in that blistered I was in that out she asked me she's You ever eat at Mother Wolf Like that level. Like four. They had a dresser. at least in Los Angeles or maybe in California, If you were to go and try to move that or take that. And if nobody claims it.

30:41 Oh, yeah. Over too much mayo? Yep. I really stuck with it. It's like a pastry. We shot commercials together. total? Man, I think he was 500 pounds and he got down to like the low twos. So he probably lost That's a tax, VAT, tax act. Shouldn't have any fucking sugar in there. Fresh bread in our stores for more than three decades. Holy shit. And if they do that, you'd be like, the fuck is up with this bread?

34:13 I think white bread definitely has sugar in it. Oh, my God, it's so good yeah Wonder Bread would like peanut butter and Oh, interesting. Remember those days? Uh-huh. So they end up, it's essentially housing that money there to pay less tax. to pay more taxes here. They're not going to cure the homeless problem, fix all the crime. They're so funny. about people with pitchforks

37:23 It's getting so bad. I have to make the image full size. So this one's like a cartoon. I guess that's not a meme. Is this guy who I've seen a photo of that his face is so fucking crazy? So I've read somewhere that it was petroleum jelly that he's doing. And so his new ones. Look at that face, the big one. Oh, man. You don't think that would feel good?

39:56 Like, if you get fake eyelashes on that dude, and long hair, you can pretend. How you doing? Oh, yeah, it's got a little read got the Christian emblem next to it like lets you know and you're like, when's it going to print? Now you have to wait for everybody who already has a slot to print before you can get another one. And I go, well, let's push it, and then we can get a new date to print, and we'll just push the release.

42:36 a half of one her friend was like just take the whole one yeah she's gonna try a half one she's cup of coffee. I didn't know that. the liquid form, is Like you feel better? Yeah. It just makes me laugh because you say that and somebody goes, you mean like cocaine? that well I just wanted to see what he was experiencing was he was telling me He's 50-something years old.

45:13 Just has that switch. Yeah. It's like it has a different effect with low dose than it does with high dose. Do you like any pre-workout? But I feel like all I really need is to get sweaty. But you still have like a pump going. There's like lifting heavy and with big pauses in between your sets. Really? And I just felt pop, pop. Yeah. I got it examined.

48:29 it's definitely better it's definitely better 100 it's just i gotta not kick with it that's the I go, no. You never told me not to do lunges and neither did anybody else she goes the torque you put on the knee on a full lunge, this is good i go yeah he goes you know it takes two years before your quad comes i go when did I'm not sure. So it's just a leg that doesn't move

51:23 my acl surgery okay i just put a knee brace on and i was walking around there you go i worked out I went to a party without crutches five days after my ACL surgery. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, and it didn't even hurt, that's what was crazy. motherfucker that's what they were telling me but sometimes tendons and ligaments they don't really why I was walking around didn't bother me at all I didn't even have any pain

53:47 like deep body weight squats in the shower, like just days after surgery. I was like, So they had to put her under. Nope. like that yeah and you know i whenever i talk to anybody that's had any kind of surgery like that. I'm like you gotta keep that fucking leg moving Can you extend? I was like i know multiple guys who have had an acl had it fully repaired and then went too hard too quick

56:30 Whoa. Well, the other one, I had some meniscus damage. But there's just too much twisting and yanking. I know my friend Steve Graham, he had both his knees replaced on multiple times. I mean, it already feels better. So I make sure that I do a lot of stuff on that leg. That's cool as fuck. Float tank. Curtis comes in. I haven't been, but I want to.

59:29 Yeah, we got to get Bert on the sober October train this year. He's out of control. and then uh he goes but i'm back on the road in two weeks i'm like bitch yeah you ain't doing I know what it was from. Yeah. he does it. We're going to win this fucking championship. He's like, good, good. Yeah. Can I get you something? You just hyped me up, bro. He really is.

1:02:32 He didn't really prepare for that. and he could put spin on it, Let me see if he's... Hold on. Yeah. If he wasn't a fat fuck, if he wasn't a fat fuck, he'd be a hell of an athlete. He's like I'm gonna starve myself like that's how he did it the Burt way, which is like two weeks out. He's like, I'm going to starve myself. That's how he did it. I'm like, yeah.

1:05:56 Oh, God. And he would just be tipping one back on the job and it's fine. He'd put the worms where the fucking lures are supposed to be. Right. You're in a weird race with... There's times where I didn't know, and then all of a sudden it's revealed. and 45 beers. I'm like, I heard about this. I mean, former football player. So he shotgunned two? Yeah.

1:08:23 And Ari was done. That is so funny. Fantastic. It's a beautiful bit. It would murder then too. From a gig? Because people don't understand him. Yeah. Shane's moving here. What are we in? July? Yeah. Even if it's just a party. Yeah. I can't wait, man. Yeah, so it'll be right around the time where my special's released. Yeah. It's so funny. Well, yeah, and fat models.

1:11:53 And, you know, my thing was I go, you know, everybody has a preference for whatever their standard of beauty. A hundred percent. Just like if I sign up to say things, I'm open to the criticism of you commenting on what I say. model i want you to have almost an unattainable body. Because that's a model. Right. yeah so for me I don't know you have a fucking a model that looks like she's

1:15:00 Yeah, exactly. And go, wow, look at her. Yeah, you deserve it. Yeah. As you're walking around, strutting prepared for the beach, buddy. Way to go. All year was today. Yeah, you deserve it. Let it out. I go, look at this motherfucker. And the criticism is when you showcase that and celebrate that, that you're endorsing unattainable body types and you're making people feel bad about their body.

1:16:47 Well, competition is a part of everything. There's people that definitely say that. Well, you work really hard. but you know what it's also a real thing? I mean, maybe they have hormonal imbalances and depression and low And some people really figure it out and some people fucking don't and they just wind up busting their ass 12 hours a day He goes if you think hard and it requires you to work hard as well

1:19:16 Yeah. like for whatever reason whether it's a biological issue it's life experience a combination of the things there's a Where you feel fulfilled just by the art itself, you know. whether it's documentaries or physical acts or... I didn't write this to make money. It was like, I need a project. I have to be, you know, and then would never do again is the fitness challenge i would never do that again

1:22:48 with numbers is when you're looking at everyone else's numbers, right? Because we were doing this Something crazy like that. And then green is like very easy. But the thing is like seeing other people's scores Absolutely. you know did you ever hear the recording of when trump called a reporter and pretended he worked And then he named his most recent son Barron.

1:24:51 Yeah. Don't need to. And Forbes, like they went through it and they go, no, it's not. the pseudonym John Barron John Barron. and I need to tell you this story. He's hilarious, dude. Remember when he was in all the rap videos? So, yeah, he would be in movies. Yes. They're fucked. good talker yeah and then during the pandemic i'm like oh you're a fucking dictator yeah oh you don't

1:28:15 Why do you want everybody to get injected every four months? Because someone just told me, because I think things sway there so aggressively I was like, what's going on? Get medicine if you get sick. They still wear masks indoors. She's great. deals with pharmaceutical companies. Pharmaceutical companies are responsible for 75% of all Some of the stuff they make is all.

1:30:31 They want to make more money every quarter. who litigated against the pharmaceutical companies for that. Oh, right. It's got to be astonishing numbers. We got robbed. Yeah. taking the normal dose and killing them stro. Stroking out. Yeah. Yeah. Was that the biggest fine ever in the history of medical fines for pharmaceutical companies? Same fucking people. Well, think about what that lobbying group is like.

1:33:46 1.3 billion criminal fine. But the fines for Vioxx were larger than that. So how does that work? Yeah. It says $950 million. Yeah. The Real Anthony Fauci? it was killing they shelled it because it was just killing people it destroys I would endorse reading the book. and it affected his voice it fucked It did something to his vocal cords. He struggles with words.

1:36:57 Were you saying what I have Fauci on? Wow. Fauci says he's taking second course of Paxlovid after experiencing rebound with the antiviral He's 81. Tested negative for three consecutive days. I got my parents on IV vitamins and monoclonal antibodies. battery and he thinks that you exercise you you lose energy So they would give him that, and he would dial in more on reading.

1:39:38 So they would have to make it more engaging for him. I heard that they would put his name in briefings multiple times to keep him interested. Here's a bad thing. That's exactly how I talk to my kids about shit. Well, his whole thing, it was very simple, too. It is hilarious. came over and shook my hand was that Vegas I believe it was New York wasn't

1:41:28 That was when he was president. Masvidal likes him too. That is- Fucking side piece. How do you keep a side piece happy? They want side girls. again yeah because i like when a really old fucked up looking guy can get a fucking nice that guy That's him, yep. Right? Look at that one. yeah 40. jesus christ 33 33. there he is trump's best friend billionaire casino mogul phil ruffin

1:44:55 And just right under it, I like to shoot loads. Not one jet. Yeah. still actively going on yeah ukraine makes some on Yeah Ukraine makes some hot Fucking bros Yeah Like she would get angry I just Sometimes I don't see you And I think maybe You fuck other girls And I want to kill you like hey hey hey where's this coming from yeah what i'm sorry yeah sorry i just sometimes i

1:46:30 That whole Eastern Bloc. Like there was, no one was happy, You look like a clown. Hard. You're a no bullshit guy Fuck Isn't it ironic that Edward Snowden exposes the United States, exposes this deep underlying surveillance system that is essentially monitoring everybody and violating all of our constitutional rights? Mm- kicked out of the country and he goes to russia yeah and russia takes him in

1:48:57 And there he's protected. it's just done to yeah they want exchange for this arms dealer they have It's amazing and then in it Do you want guacamole? Really? They find this sub there. Gun's blazing. Because they might just start shooting holes in that thing. Knowing that you're trafficking coke. They're so much smaller than you think. Look at this.

1:52:05 and every time they pull it up the fucking sub goes higher and you know the cartel guys are like Because the avocado we're doing this now too. they're like, of the Italian mafia And so they make a lot of money. Yep. Because they were coming at him like, this is war now. In front of you. You could walk over. and all you have to do is go around it. See if you can find the fence at the beach. Oh, that's it. That's it? That's it. That's crazy. It's the nuttiest shit ever. See if you can find the fence at the beach.

1:54:30 Look at the wall. Wow. Ed Clay runs a stem cell clinic in Tijuana. And then they're giving you IV stem cells. but so many people that I've known that have gone 70 migrants from the water trying to swim to border field State Park in San Diego listen I can do that I Yeah. there's nothing that quite prepares you for what ocean swimming is like unless you've been

1:57:09 You know, like into the water. terrifying and when I get back to the hotel is when I talked to one of the staff and I was like You'll die there. And I remember being like, you got to be shitting me. I go, I was a second from waving you in. in the world and people do drown when you're trying to rescue them totally drown rescuing and it had a water slide.

1:59:58 It pushed you too hard into the water. Did you see that girl went out swimming the other day in a swim meet? like send cards oh yeah that's cool yeah this was at a swim meet though yeah yeah look at her holy shit yeah that's the coach You know, I mean, you are giving everything you have. Is that ruled on now? It's basically a Leah Thomas ruling, right?

2:01:51 And should be. would not be allowed to compete in women's elite races Fucking people over. Her. to say all these physical biological advantages that you have as a man should not just be And he's just stammering and falling apart and trying to hold on to his woke ideology. I mean, how do you look at that? Yeah, number 462 in the country. Right. hard because she's saying these are not women and you're treating them like women and they're

2:06:06 Like a cyclist? If you took a woman and you told that woman that she had to compete against a woman who's performance enhancing drugs. And it's allowed. Well, there was a trans boy who was taking male hormones and wrestling against girls. And ragdolling women. I think that's what it's going to be. And I think it could go down in multiple fronts. And if the sea level does rise, it's going to fuck up the people that bought houses in Malibu.

2:09:07 Somebody's rocket. How is there no- Mystery rocket impacts moon. And it left an interesting double crater. No one knows? If you, about 17 and a half yards. So there's the images. Okay, this is salt. Unless TikTok sends a letter saying, we promise we're going to stop stealing your data. And so TikTok said we're going to have an American TikTok and a Chinese TikTok,

2:12:08 Wow. the guy from the CIA, This is wild. I like ByteDance. to avoid giving out your information, Yeah. China slides under the radar to so many civilian people, There is no business that operates without the control of the Chinese government. He vanished for four months. Yep. They probably just have them in a jail somewhere and they just fuck them every day.

2:16:15 thought they think about that box office that's a serious box office over there This guy made two years ago on a Reddit post, and they were disputed sort of, We're making the craziest TikTok. It shuts down? Yeah. Yeah. 40 million views. Yeah. Like, why is that? Well, it's because have, you know, fucking 30, 40 million views. Yeah. We're still fascinated by different things and fascinated by complicated ideas.

2:19:11 It never existed before. But you have that curiosity, too. this is exactly what people want there's a lot of that yeah but there's also one Yeah. you want music, but sometimes you want to hear a conversation. but that used to be one of my go-to ones that was one of the first times that I ever realized that some some people No, actually, I'm Tom now.

2:21:42 Yeah. Yeah. Like, oh, it's fine. because i think they're legitimately are and i've met them there's a lot of people that legitimately Like how do we bounce back to a state of normalcy, Yeah, because a lot of them like to decide they're women and they just start attacking other women don't mean a gender war that wouldn't that war would end quick yeah it sure would yeah no i mean

2:24:54 It's interesting though. So many people are so scared. Yeah. We're the last frontline of free speech in that regard. Yeah. In that we can't get fired. And they just kind of nod and, you know, there's other, they have colleagues, other teachers who will openly weep in a teacher meeting about one of these issues. seeing clips and they're fucking wild it's matt walsh from the daily wire yeah and he made this

2:26:54 Critics reviewing it. just watched it and reviewed it for what it is and was just attacked for even How do you define a woman? it's everywhere they want to meow they want to meow they they identify as animals but i mean But you don't allow that to happen in class. And the teacher has to respect this choice. but it's an insane world. I would even call it pushback like even questioning some of

2:30:00 because that censors so much thought and debate about complex and complicated issues where people disagree thoughts supposedly in a very well sorted out way like they have the I think it's really, in this country, a pretty thankless job, too. And so you get the elite where their kids get smarter and everybody else is like yeah I mean, now you can. You can really educate yourself on anything now.

2:31:43 I would have been sending dick pics and being on TikTok all day. God. It was hard to watch porn when I was a kid. Yeah, people don't remember that there was B sex movies. Yeah, and you would watch these terrible movies to see and then one time the dad had bought spice so when we put it on it was actually on Or you'd get tapes passed down or you'd find a tape stash.

2:33:40 For sure. you're watching that i mean well it's probably so crazy too because there was no porn back then Oh. Uh-huh. They stopped it right there? Yeah, it's come up a few times. I haven't seen it in a long time. And where's the other one? that's what i wanted to do it's one of the things i wanted to do at one point in time Like artistically that he heard the critique.

2:37:41 Can you imagine? He was like, I got to make this right. That's cool. That's badass. But I guess it's almost like there's no, a monster alien needs to have some human qualities because when it has human qualities, you're like, it's almost us. jello killing people oh right that's definitely not as good no it's not as good and this one is and that lady's hot as the sun who's that emily blunt she's hot that's his uh that's his wife

2:40:33 Yeah. I just saw it. Pan's Labyrinth. The Strain, that they turned into like a series on FX. the guy was uh there was a plane and this plane lands and uh no one's getting off the plane and One or two good ones. I wouldn't even say every year maybe every couple years. We're like that's fucking phenomenal cgi kind of looks corny no you need the reveal to be like yeah it's got to be it's got to be built

2:44:08 Yeah. leaving it wrong that's that said that they write where they know the the end because some writers I did it and I write fiction. No even crazy. i did i did stories and and you know i wrote about uh you know a chapter on my dad on my mom i wrote a And we called 911, and I go up to the body. And when he sat up, the top of his head just flapped open.

2:47:12 You didn't see the brains. Really? oh my god nghb yeah and a super high dosage oh my god my God. Yeah. And I ended up- In a hospital? In a coma. You know? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. I knew I wanted to write one about my dad. Um, I had these consistent things throughout the book where between those longer stories and essays, I drop in chapters about famous people I've flown with who are mostly black.

2:49:58 she was like okay i go we flew together from la to n, like, I don't know, eight, 10 years ago. There's just chapters like about that. be at the west wing how old were you back then um i was just out of college so 21 22 it was right to the real estate office that showed it. that I didn't want to do it. Like I was making great money for a kid just out of college.

2:52:37 show on AMW, they called it. I mean the Pentagon's there. So I packed up a truck and just drove out to L.A. the directing, like, behind the camera kind of person too. time also when I was like, I don't know, like 13 or something like that. So that was it. But I was And it was like two or three classes in. You'd like it. Yeah. He's a fun dude. It's no longer there. It was called the Good Bar.

2:55:41 He, he had heard me talking about wanting to do it. When am I up? And then she's like, all right, let's bring up your first comic. And I was like, but I think I was actually good. I fucking invited people to that show. tape? What was your first joke? I don't remember because I haven't seen it in forever. I, you know, No. You still can do risky things.

2:57:43 Yeah. then he did acting and then I think he just I forget if he tried it by chance Yeah. We pulled it up the other day. I don't understand it. You got to keep going. And I just go to my phone and go, oh, I'll try that one. The only thing that could save you is like coming on a podcast i used to tell everybody they should have their own podcast and now I don't really now I'm like oh I mean I guess you can try

3:01:04 Why is he doing the red band I was like Got a float tank. okay i'm gonna do it and then brian made it easy because he was like just come over i'll set you That, I think, is very clear looking back. I've just always been a person that for whatever reason, I go on instincts. This is not serving us anymore. Yeah. But that's for a out of here. Jumped out. I'm like, this is a fucked up city. You gotta get out of here. This is not serving us anymore.

3:03:35 That's a real, I think, common thing for standups. Yeah? i remember getting laughs like not killing but just getting laughs and laughs and like having I don't know why this didn't work tonight. road too guys that were like doing pretty good at bringer shows and pretty good at like small local I was like, you're not doing enough. like Hans Kim. There's that and there's also you go, you're just chopping it up with someone and you're like, when was the with them, but then they're doing the same material every place. There's that, and there's also you go,

3:06:34 Yeah. No, like this is already a full show as it is and you're gonna go up there and flounder around for five minutes comedy club and they want it all to happen for them. A lot. He was so good. Then he was in the mask with Jimim carrey he was in a few things yeah but it never happened no and he was fucking horribly Always. they're like yeah i hope you do well in this business,

3:09:34 Are you enjoying this? I've been, I feel super fortunate, you know, to be doing it. It's very, very inspiring. I'd Like to Play Alone, Please and the tour. so many dates my pleasure brother