Joe Rogan Experience #185 — Tom Segura Transcript

Transcript

0:00 tell me when we're up like rappers killing each other you know Yeah. about everything, about their money, You know, it's okay. A movie? Do you think Jerry Curl Yeah. and say, make me look like this. It was oil. and there was like a stain on the chair. and make it greasy and drippy. Fades How'd you get that Designs in their hair Yeah Like they would when black guys had like uh designs in their

3:21 or what if it was just like parted like what if they just parted it like a good boy? Like girls are allowed to have, everything can be fake. But it's acceptable for you to be pretty inauthentic. Isn't it? pretty cheap they're like 89 bucks and you just put them in your eye oh that's wasn't like the Yeah, it was huge. was cool as shit what was that what was the message behind that you know what a weird fucking video london he did a lot of star wars shit the coordinated dancing all the dancing was cruel

6:00 that um the the bobby brown show being bobby brown yeah When they were on the show screaming and yelling at each other? Screaming at each other. I forget what Yeah I pulled that dookie out I'm gonna drop it on the one. Wow. I think that was to Diane Sawyer that she said that. Jesus Christ When you grew up Such a superstar Do you think we can play that?

8:25 and her voice isolated lyrics shit's taking forever I could find out, but definitely do it on Vimeo. Vimeo, yeah. What is that about? In a row because you know He's the one I dream of yeah she had the perfect voice it's like that bodyguard days oh hot as fuck hot as fuck that Like, that would have to be the storyline. Yeah. We'll tie it all together.

11:09 Yeah. Yeah. hit him with that fucking wing chunk punch Yeah. Turns around or some shit. That's what time it is that's what time it is was back when clean eastwood was stuck with that one chick was her name sandra lock i remember he of the case with the thing with her i automatically assume well this bitch is crazy we're gonna go What was that? Was it the car? No, I know what you mean. You're talking about? Yeah, yeah.

14:13 Yeah, and they live next door to like a— El Torino? And they asked him about like political correctness, and he was like, I don ass off my lawn like all this crazy shit and they asked him ethnic i'm a minor i'm thinking of a minority and i just stop at it's like a ripoff of the Richard Pryor white guy voice. Yeah, it's kind of like, come on, man. Yeah.

16:52 yellow-brown color. That's happening. Race is becoming Yeah, I don't like blonde. Really? But you know what I don't like at all, though, is bleached. Yeah, that's what they usually are. I gravitate towards blonde. A lot of them don't, man. Really? you make her blonde, she's always hotter. he get implants yes he did yeah yes he did he got a face and then he got him removed guess he had cheek implants did he get implants yes he did yeah yes he got a face then he got him removed now he had chick implants and he looked bizarre yeah well now i think what

18:47 Yeah, I forget. It wasn't? I think Rourke is from, and head trauma transformed him. Yeah. He had them removed, cheeks to make his cheeks bigger and like nobody would know you ever seen the photos yeah yeah he It's just you don't look better. fuck once and i was in the the green room with joey diaz joey turns on the tv and it was uh So they're injecting things in there to puff it up.

21:38 like i got hair transplants and i totally wish i'd never done it because i have this stupid scar in he was talking about on it yeah he did a podcast and he was saying that they they can pretty much the fuck it is. but it's long. to distract? Don't you find it weird that capes never caught on? But is that what they really wore? What if it had tons of pockets for cell phones and money and wallets?

23:59 I'll take capes over that stupid shit that I saw today at the store where this guy, How old is this guy? In his 30s? Definitely. It was like official. Wow. You fall down, they're like, that's cool. It's so ridiculous. I think they overturned that. gonna be a big suit yeah yeah they were found guilty really yeah yeah i don't know the exact They genetically engineer them so that it's uniquely theirs.

27:34 a bunch of different shit but this should have never been able to get to this position the all of farmers that have been killing themselves because they they they get indebted to monsanto and the fact that they still lost in court. And then they take those crops and then they sell them to people with no evidence whatsoever about the long-term implications of this the exposure to

29:38 What does the wings of the butterfly do from the modified food to how does it affect the ecosystem Oh, you mean like... Can't they do that? a fish in his mouth and it's really blurry and so people are like it's a woolly mammoth in siberia I did this show for cbs and what the show was was a game show with hidden cameras and and talk about their ufo experience and you got to say you got to get someone to get on camera with you and and talk about their ufo experience and

32:15 And what happened was, and they would just give completely detailed accounts. fascination with like you want to know what happened yeah and you get to report and then It was probably a bear, and it was 20 years ago, And they fucking believe it, man. I mean, you might remember some really intense shit? From fifth grade on to... And then one day i was like i'm fucking i made this shit up like i just completely made

35:10 just like telling somebody you know this doesn't sound real i'm like yeah i think i made this shit that is such a crazy reality that we had that we had that figure in our lifetime that is a wanted to steal back his shit. That's my shit, dumb, beyond dumb shit. Beyond dumb shit. That was my first Las Vegas gig. Locals and people from out of town that don't know any better.

37:41 It seems like it's just, oh, we're here. No, no, no. It's just a weird place when you have you know make people go somewhere yeah but there's I would think it's a combination of the two. the main entrance was a lion's mouth you were walking into oh yeah oh and it's bad luck for They just took that lion out of the MGM. Lion attacks trainer at MGM. and they have these cool-ass jellyfish,

40:57 The MGM guys are in the tank with giant male lions, man. I don't care if you raise that thing with a bottle look at the size that look at he just decides to you know they have that hair around their neck just so that other lions can't kill them oh really Pull that thing up. And the way he does it, man, it's really... He got fired the other day for this broadcast.

43:36 But listen to what he says. to convince people that if their views are different, then there's something wrong with between Democrat and Republican were actually just minor disagreements. What if both parties just want power and are willing to have young people fight What if the rhetoric that candidates displayed on the campaign trail like Newt Gingrich that they can get what they want out of big government too? What if the

46:33 the debt ceiling by trillions of dollars what if Mitt Romney is being embraced by What if Mitt Romney wins and ends up continuing most of the same policies that Barack Obama promoted? from the government? We're really stuck here? The other one that he talks about, take off on the internet it already is right what is it what's the hits on it right now 444 000

49:32 really trying to turn us into a fucking crazy dictatorship yeah it's really not much different it's not going to happen well you realize they're not telling you the truth if Obama wanted to say You don't need that. That's what we want. It's not representative of the people. under JudgeNapNAP. Sure. Judge Napolitano. They need to cancel that shit. He's right about a lot of shit, man.

52:12 Yeah. Yeah, I've seen clips of him. But it was one of the most glorious things I've ever seen. and you'll never see that person ever again. I love it. and I was like, that's hilarious. I remember when I was in an apartment in Hollywood when I was like 21, 22, out here and i was like all right like you know right fine and then like five minutes later i got

54:48 Because when somebody just is leaving, she was just leaving, like, that shit was really uncomfortable. go to sleep why is that why are you so tired no i mean like when it was late at night like i was I'd be like, I think I'm going to go to sleep right now. Why would you yell that? He skipped my asshole. A lufa sponge? No, no, no. all right. What are they reaching

56:36 So I'm really kind of upset would be from asshole. You know, we've talked about that. My dick is so small when it gets checked it was when I'm like, yeah, might as well. Well, what he said is, he's like, well, you should be fine because they get tested every 20 days. Let's not say his name on the air because that might be a bit unethical. I was good.

58:38 They just make you do huge deep breaths while they listen all up and down your chest and your back oh and then how long does it take for you to die from cigarettes i don't know man it's There was something that I read once Don't you tweet me. They are. I love vegetable meals. Really? so they're having an issue like last tuesday though the whole foods near me didn't even get

1:01:08 and you've got to cook it quicker because it'll dry out. It tastes better. totally different it's almost like a gamey animal not gamey yes it's it's you know it tastes uh sense that your body would respond better if you're eating healthier animals yeah it does make sense we're fucking up man yeah We'll have outfished the entire ocean. going to they're going to fucking just troll everything they're going to suck all that

1:03:35 up i guess in like the way the tides go there's one area where it's collected where it's enormous There you go. what they call it trash plants you know talking oh yeah sure yeah landfills landfills yeah and And they were like, Adam and Jimmy used to take us to the Bahamas. I wanted to do it at the stinkiest, grossest dump. So we, First, I don't blame a man,

1:05:51 That's gross shit, though. It's so bad. That's kind of a trip It does suck. Do you recommend it? Really? I'll tell you what, man. Fuck that helicopter. That's what it is. Outside of LA, but close enough, we'll just get a giant chunk of land, get a few hundred acres. How cool would it be, for real, if we all, we got everyone that we know that's cool,

1:08:02 Brian lived down the hill, and Duncan lived over there, and Ari lives over there. Really? brian uh is it on my twitter thing it just doesn't land on your twitter doesn't want to pull up on my Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Tabernacle. Yeah. And that's like, it seats 74, 75. By the way, folks, we try to do the Ice House whenever I'm in town.

1:10:10 Fuck yeah. Which is one of the greatest clubs in the history of the fucking million universe. um uh say the game the dates again december yeah you December? Yeah, you did. Oh, wow. Tom Segura, S-E-G-U-R-A. Yeah. Well, that's actually one of the things I'm actually thinking of doing it myself. everyone that opened up a good job of and I went That's actually the thing I was telling you, is that every time I've opened for you since then,

1:12:45 owners she's the shit she is awesome she's and she uh owns and runs both of them she's uh just They're great. It's fucking phenomenal. But snow is awesome when you don't have to go anywhere. money but now i'm fucked because it looks like fear factor is gonna fucking bite it what why I love doing it just because I love the guys that I work with. And then working with them again

1:14:57 and working for the UFC and this. like, you can't do this. You can't do this. It's just, they got a little crazy. Because all their other shows are hurt and bad. I heard she's a funny stand-up. They're trying to get a vibe going. Well, it takes a while, man. You realize that how much writing is everything. Part of the equation, rather. You can get caught on one of those sitcoms where you're reading the script and you're

1:17:45 and then sometimes that's probably do another acting gig and to do a movie, even though it was a silly kids movie. Yeah. you know i got yelled at one time too what they said um the guy laughed and then we did it we did And I was like, whoa. Yeah. Yeah. lot of sketches a great writer awesome you know he got off track with his life and you know he had a

1:20:29 Really smart guy. Well, I know that he had some setbacks. Yeah, I think I saw that. written a couple scripts yeah pilots yeah and it's like i don't know it's uh the other thing your own show, The only people There's very little room Me and my buddy, we wrote a sitcom. successful show so they got they got that situation all locked up that's one of the reasons why so

1:22:41 Wow. We just have to wait until they all die. Yeah. was an enormous star dude yeah she was enormous man and she was also an enormous star as a stand-up comedian. Dude, pull that up. Two Ts. Yeah, she threw a drink in his face. I almost died like Michael Jackson. A tough-talking woman with a wild temper and killing herself with drugs. It was produced by funny man Chuck Lorre, creator of Two and a Half Men and The Big Bang Theory.

1:26:49 And he should have said, you ungrateful cracker, go get in the car. used to come up and say I to him a survivor of so-and-so, and I want to go, The kids were coming up going, are you still doing this? That chick creeps me out. the first time you ever bought drugs you told me that you had a story i met the first time i ever So my friend Steve had just transferred from, from like the big high school like from a high

1:29:42 like a saturday night this like long green like old school 70s Cadillac pulls up. And I was like, what's up, White Pete? get what like i thought we're just doing this in the car we're gonna go get that sack man i'm like yeah a lot of brush uh groves that kind of shit and i was like fuck man and at this point like dude opens the door and he has his black eye that has like six dreadlocks like

1:32:24 drove in how long is it taking this is at the premise, mind you, we're looking for $20. Right. So how far have you driven? Like, in my mind, I'm like, I'm 14, 15. Like, totally fucking terrified. And I was, like, right. Go get that sack. he's getting some weed for me but I'm not supposed to shoot everybody but you He was like, you want to get some weed today?

1:35:17 Oh, my god. but that second time he saved our life actually because we went from his trailer the second time, he saved our life, actually. Because we went from his trailer the second time, where he jumped in the back, There's just like... smoke crack, right there. exactly like this where we pulled up in in Steve's car and the windows come down Like, you look like the white boys that have been taking bags from guys.

1:37:20 And he gets out and, like, walks up, talks to all of them like, you know, like he's the ambassador like he's the ambassador right like I don't know what the fuck you like I own you're like what's gonna happen right now oh my god yeah that's terrible shit man when i was a kid when i was in high school we used to uh go to dorchester to to eat together and middle school was kind of okay because kids were young they hadn't gotten into

1:39:20 moved to a nicer place and we um anyway we would go to these uh places like late for this shit and they're like let him go let him go yeah and i could see the guy like bluffed his People don't know how bad some neighborhoods are late night people people who are up all night could go and hang out um so it became like it was they just shut it down because they're like everybody who's in here is like a pimp, hustler, drug dealer.

1:41:24 This is I was probably going 45, 50 miles an hour. gonna come we're gonna go i almost killed a guy yesterday coming home from the doctor uh this it get the show i gotta fucking bounce i gotta go do a show go go bounce bray improv folks tonight if you are around if you're anywhere near brea there's an Thank you. It's called Your Mom's House. And of course, next, not next weekend, but whatever the fuck weekend it is.

1:43:16 Tom Segura, you are the fucking man. Thank you to The Flesh Light for sponsoring our podcast. It's one of the coolest things in the world from all the cool links that I get sent, to the You guys, I'm the most proud of the whole thing, everything behind it, all the movement. Jesus Christ. Friday, we're at the Ice House. There's only 85 seats and it's fucking awesome. It's going to be, Brian intimate show, and it will sell out. We do them every week. There's only 85 seats, and it's fucking awesome.

1:45:16 Oh, really? Go to JoeRogan.net. and Shroom Tech Immune. All powerful Go to JoeRogan.net. Smoke that sack, man. Omaha, Nebraska?