Joe Rogan Experience #1850 — Whitney Cummings Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day but there's something like you know, But wait, are these... The Biden. Not that one. There's a bunch of them. Well, there's so many. The problem is he puts out one every single day. But he'll say, like when you ask him, It was a mind-bending thrill ride. It felt a little telenovela.

2:32 Well, they got in trouble, right? He wore in the original film but two of its flag patches representing Japan and the Republic of China, I think it was supposed to come out, then the pandemic happened. Right, right, right. of they would like join the moonies or something yeah they would be something else yeah they would I think they'd be way more successful.

4:51 on who escaped, like literally no, I'm fine. Something went wrong. who is the most prolific author in human history. And those individual spaceships floated out into different galaxies and started their own universes. First drafts are supposed to suck. because of the pandemic i made a promise to myself that i would not come out of the pandemic to go, you know, this stuff is killing, but in 10 years, will it still feel insightful and fresh?

8:06 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. nah, there's more to do. and they're thinking about their next bid or they're thinking about their transitions, Whoever gets to say that i did stand up to people in cars because so now it's like i've been getting this such amazing feedback which has been sort of suspiciously nice you know um because the and if anyone says this isn't good,

11:31 capture you know i almost feel like specials like you know when you just shoot you when you have a Right. fucking do it can i tell you i think the best you know i'm actually in the fall gonna go back and do But it's not the same And when I went back on tour, I'd find that I'd be like, yeah, the other day, you know, They bought tickets. There's so many people that do that.

14:10 They keep you so honest, too. Because they feel the need to express their opinions about certain things in a way that is kind of awkward. yeah, Yay. I think for the most part, nobody remembers any of the titles. You know why twitter yeah What am I doing? Did he do it? like political issues and you know he's like back during the vietnam war was everyone like, I wonder what Red Skeleton thinks.

17:42 and I was watching the news, you know, and you know, your mind but I am against it and then he goes but I'm not gonna make this my bully pulpit No. I mean it's Greg Gerall. Brutal roast jokes. It could work. So it's almost like a Patreon or something. cash that's true I do it there's teachers making it and we don't pay I mean, yeah, I guess. Brandon Schaub just went like this.

21:29 I just did Andrew Schultz's podcast. He's always going to be my, I don't care what dumb shit he says. I remember I met you at the Laugh Factory. I felt like I knew you maybe before I knew you. I know what you're making fun of. You know, I wrote the part for Chris D'Elia. for a short period of time. I never got Premium Blend. I never got Gotham. offered me a half hour

24:44 Right, use it. Fuck this As soon as I had leverage, I just was like. Right. And if people were just tuning in, they had no idea. Well, because I think at that point you think more is more in terms of press, publicity, that kind of stuff. So going in and when they were making the billboards and stuff, I was like, you guys, And I'm like, me, me. They couldn't get past the multicam of it.

27:17 Like when you shoot show in front of live studio audience, Roseanne. I don't know. It was beloved and ended up going for six seasons. I followed The Office and community on oh i see so Well, some of the best writers. And it was already a clearly established path. We're both doing dick jokes here, guys. Yeah. Interesting. They were bringing in people and compromising them.

31:16 I don't know. if you're shooting an independent movie that has investors, Here it says, Epstein regularly visited, So he was arrested and he already did time by then, which is crazy. So he was arrested in 2006 and then after that up until 2018 still had an office there. She is allowed to do yoga. She's allowed to the people that are prosecuting her.

34:09 No. He used to call me and prank me as other people all the time. And one time he called me as Jeff Goldblum and I was like busy and I was like, stop fucking Like, some of the stuff I was going to say, You probably do. And he would like right in the wild, wild west days of the Internet before the laws caught up with what was going on. She's like, hi, I'm butthole girl.

36:47 and then you know who else took him down Anonymous there and then... Some of them were pretty small. It might be a front way. It's so hard to watch. And he filmed like a hundred girls having sex and promised them that he wasn't going to put them online and put it all online. But were they just having sex with him just to make a fun sex tape? But I Yeah.

39:42 Shot backstage at Flappers Comedy Club? Except the 17-year-olds are really in their fucking 20s and they're porno stars. Stuck? Well, I was watching this girl get stuck under a bed. I know what you're doing. Of Liam Neeson pissing himself by a guest that I think he just gets drunk There's so many. Because, guys, I know after you pee, there's sometimes a little dot of pee.

42:11 He's got a leaky dick? Maybe he doesn't give a fuck. Maybe. It's pretty gangster. you know when you feel it? Maybe he doesn't give a fuck. And it's also like no one around him is. There's too many, I think. that's a video of you. It's incredible. Right. and that it's going to become so illegal? Because right now, if you leak a celebrity photo, I mean, the person that leaked, I guess, Scarlett Johansson is the person that retaliated.

45:12 any way. Because if you admit you looked at it, you're kind of the weirdo. So it's like no one And it's okay. I can't, I can't, I don't have the personality for it. Like, just dumb. netflix i got an email where someone said um if you don't pay me fifteen thousand dollars i'll Like I have a, I have a lot of, you know, sets from random shows that, you know, would

47:30 yeah were all the when a hacker has it and you're like oh god, God, all these screen grabs of David Goggins. And I don't have to worry about getting a job or getting into a school and some Googling me and seeing something that's going to ruin my reputation. Because I really want to make sure that it didn't feel preachy or luxury. in a comedy club boy that's a project you know it can be done but also you

49:46 Right. Always. I don't see gender. You did? Unclear. hey guys I think I have like a raccoon issue here this is classic California animal control she goes What? dumb, undereducated apology you needed. Go back to one like if you're like Like, it's Tuesday. out here you also got all those tech dorks tech dorks the tech dorks are everywhere nobody fucked

54:17 Because it's hot. I was like, there is an arrogance that's like, TikTok has an office here. But I'm like also like, well, that's like collecting our breaths and our sleep. Wasn't that Patton Oswalt's wife? DNA from genealogy site used to catch suspected Golden State killer Joseph James D'Angelo, 72, former police officer, was arrested on Tuesday. as Joseph James D'Angelo.

56:34 is like what are they going to do with that data there's a The day where- What the fuck? ReEquip was a drug. I think it was for parkinson's disease i think that's what it was for No. Parkinson's patient has been urged to stop urged not to stop taking their medication. This feels like. Pathological gambling and increased libido and hypersexuality have been reported in patients treated with dopamine medicines.

1:00:01 to 600,000 American dollars. We were just playing blackjack. Cool. Right. really creative dude, produced my special with me, Nick Curzon, Like, what's better than that? but for other people they are fucking hooked. this I saw guys betting money on droplets of rain that were making it down a window pane and they would pick It's so dumb. So he wins. Now I want to defer to luck.

1:03:57 So you would put up the $5,000, and then another person on the other side would put up the other $5,000, and you'd play. But if I know you're going to lose something, I do very well with that kind of pressure, Because we're in a place where it's like sometimes people that you love and trust and respect, they're like brainwashed by something. you're being dramatic, you know. right right right the narcissists and the borderlines need to make you

1:06:17 I'm not imagining that is sort of a very anesthesia, anesthetic. They're the opposite. you know you give me X amount of dollars means like um you play one through nine you make the nine ball in and you win. But say if you played and I played and player and he wanted to gamble and he's like, make fair game and I said okay I'll give you the 5 one winning ball. My ball is the 9 ball.

1:08:58 Chess is fun. it'll give you like there's learning and tutorial modes and you can you can try written the original book was written by Walter Tevis. Oh yeah, yeah, for sure. I think chess does. Because chess in physical form, like moving pieces, Like if you were really addiction? Well, it's definitely some kind of an addiction for me. You have to control your breath.

1:13:24 it's one of the most satisfying things in life. right you know it's just like a level of strength that is like otherworldly you know incredible shoulders? It's like an iron club and i do it called shield So that guy's doing it right there. There's the Onnit Steel Club. and dropping and then you're struggling and it's shaking you want you want real strength and then

1:16:20 I let all my tension out and then I'll draw back and then once I'm at full draw I relax my shoulder in the bow. If you just have a bow But No, but I mean like poison or something? They use a neurotoxin. in the Hamptons and I just like sent a picture to someone or put it on Instagram or something. Lyme disease is so bad. You go to the Hamptons. lyme disease is very scary because uhme disease is actually connected to what is

1:19:48 So one of the episodes of Joe Rogan Questions Everything, that old sci-fi show that I had, And one of the people there was a doctor. copper or it's lead. And if you test positive for Lyme disease, Is that, it's just wild to me that it's just accepted that people bring their kids to the It started in Lyme. Ticks were just, you pulled them off and that was it.

1:22:33 I'm just fascinated. thing but in um the early 1900s the hookworm epidemic in the South was so brutal. Jamie, from hookworm infections. Yeah, it was really nuts. realize they continue to affect I've had ringworm. it? Highway to the danger zone. I have family that was you know served No. Oh, okay. Right. It's not about, there's no chemical imbalance.

1:26:41 Yeah, I mean, it's, I feel like, yeah, that Scientology thing is all about, like, no Val Kilmer is a Christian scientist. But before Willow. is Willow a girl movie? No, no, no, no. Right there. They're bringing this back, too, by the way. This guy. I think I did. Ooh, what phase was she in? She was. I loved it was a different time David Bowie I loved it that was like my

1:29:13 oh that's Ludo that has Yeah. They're like, may I rape you? You know what I think? You don't think? They can't make them anymore. Like you can't, they don't make them anymore. today it's fucking hilarious yes yes it's like what i'm saying is the genre of wild funny movies Like, it's wild, dude. This is a baby in Blackface. dude it is up to the waterline on her 1935 oh my god the littlest rebel so did she was she playing

1:33:23 This is... 35. Why was she a movie star? I do deep dives on this because it's this weird thing nobody talks about. Let's see War Babies. half off her shoulder? one direction. exactly what it is. It's someone with a stick. I bet they paid him well. Watch, though. All she needs is sugar Jesus No one cared. How old is she here? Can you look at Good Ship Lollipop?

1:37:31 Sure I do. Even my drum and train. Not a woman inside Watch when she sits on a man's lap. What is going on in the background? It's a gangbang. Could be that. Don't you think she's sick? Why is she frowning now? They drugged her. She's a child though. I did. Oh, really? Mm-hmm. Do you me Hedy Lamarr. Oh, really? Your last hour. Mm-hmm. There have been about 12 biographies written about me,

1:42:27 the little Shirley Temple dance. How do you look We lost her. We lost her. Why is she holding that man's face? Oh, my God. How old was she when she died? Oh, wow. Do you know that's Leah Lamar's like grandchild or some shit? she's related to Hetty Yeah, she's really funny. She doesn't talk about it in her act, or at least I haven't seen her talk about it.

1:45:11 Well, there's not a ton of money because she didn't get any credit for what she invented. She had something in flight as well, right? Jesus. For shoplifting In Florida I deserve these eye drops. Uh-oh. And then in terms of, I was thinking about in Top Gun last night, do you enjoy flying? Yeah. aware of it. I can't just, like, Something weird was going on.

1:47:46 That's really fascinating. there's very specific roads. 50 yards away from buildings and shit, No, for helicopters. This is how we get good movies. And they need to make a super movie? Roman Polanski. harrison ford which is really weird because it was an underage girl oh he directed chinatown Rush Hour. Yeah, he didn't- It's a pretty big movie. I'm like, I don't know.

1:50:55 If you go listen to a stand-up, it's kind of, oh, it's okay. Our perceptions of things were different then. You're a strong woman and you don't like neurotic men. like he's great his movies are great oh it's a Whitney Allen movie what he's amazing And it falls apart very quickly. It becomes a thing. Yeah, you're sick. Really? He gets so angry if I even, I'm like, but why, why did he have to have that haircut?

1:54:18 um, It was a cattle thing that they drive through cows' brains. fugitive member the future yeah great. He was just chasing, he does well when he's chasing someone, but he's not in a rush. Yeah, I'm like, hey, hey, hey. That feels like a network note. And now he's, you know, this old guy. Yeah, I don't... I hate when I really like something and then it loses me towards the end.

1:56:41 It's also, there's like too many cut the shit scenes. Like the whole thing is crazy. For the rest of your life, or you're going to take cash with you You need gas, probably. And he lives in this small cabin. But what this kid does is he goes out and it's like the perfect looking guy for the when you murder a grizzly bear up there you're supposed to do that. Oh really?

1:59:33 Wasn't ready for beheading. You're just like at 2 o'clock. I want to watch two eagles kill a coyote. Like, it's a fucking doggy dog Can we go back to Shirley Temple in blackface please? If you're famous at five, that means at three they started training you. I clicked on that one. He licks his finger why does he do that? Oh, Jesus. Okay. Why did he lick his finger and then have her sit on his hand?

2:02:53 Bro, that is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life. Yeah. Like there is a baby burlesque We need to cancel Shirley Temple to drink. Like, if you were going to be a star, this guy had to fuck you. Melanie Griffith's mom, Tippi Hedren. Tippi Hedren. I bet that was the gig. Who was it that Melanie Griffith's mom, Tippi Hedren. and do watch the movie,

2:04:55 in New York and we're like, God, Rogan with Shane Gillis? And Ari got to, what did he get to, about 15? We had to get the manager to come in every half hour or so into all the nitty-gritty but you know james corden is leaving or whatever curious do you Yes. and all those people like if Which is also crazy because it's like their whole thing would be,

2:07:45 they recognize that like they a lot of the people that are sponsors are also fans so like they When we eat something right before you drink milk, you're going to look at the expiration date. conversations out of here. I'm the same human. that are more sensitive but this is who I am and so what I'm doing is having like public conversations like while I'm thinking in real time out in front of the whole world that's not possible on network

2:09:59 Right. Yeah. ari's balls yeah he probably is that better yeah sorry about that um agree and you know it's Oh, all the time. Like, I never expected anything more. Yes. That would be weird. It's called Studio 666. It's already out? Rest in peace, Taylor. Oh, my God! It's an L. Fuck, are you making me watch? That's right. for this? yeah what they're doing these fighter pilots you're you're literally fighting other people

2:15:15 But that China started investigating it because they were worried we really had it? Because, like, you can bank and you'll hit, like, heavy Gs. treadmill with less oxygen. I flew with And you got to go like this. And I hear him doing it. You know, and if you're doing short breaths, you know, so it's a way to kind of really be conscious of your breath.

2:17:40 He can tolerate nine Gs, which is nine times your body weight. It was Mach 10. Six times. there's a break in the air. Crazy. I know you love the neural link thing. I know you Which is the smartest person I know he's your friend, but my brain always wants to go to the joke version of Neuralink. Like our first thought And then my second one, Because you don't see it a lot.

2:21:04 Maybe it's whatever. Some internalized sexism. But, like, I don't want anyone to know what my, we're good. But my immediate reaction, maybe it's because I'm a comedian, maybe it's whatever, some internalized sexism. Yeah. at my spouse. Right. And I'm kind of like Some people aren't. needs to get in line. It's like, no, this is a feeling. You need to tolerate the discomfort

2:22:55 like, oh, that was just me. there's a lot going on with human communication that would be solved if we could read minds. you know genetic issues you know their their credit score which by then will be Or just sort of like, that's the kind of thing where tell me in six months when I'm already But like in, you know, And if something happens where they do create a neural link and there's no bottleneck anymore,

2:25:47 real you might think it's fake no because you're going to be able to read minds there's not going That it's just like so many thoughts at once. never happen in the future? those scammers online, the Nigerian scammers. mom, fucking get it. Just take it. Take the Neuralink. So what happens as a parent? which is honestly to me as i you know mature as an adult it's like i do feel like more and more

2:28:32 and then you don't care about the other person's feelings. using this as a way to anesthetize as we look at people's behavior right now and to feel better Like, you know, this is where I think I've read the most about it is when a parent, when People still go to church. Yeah. The Vatican? Okay. Yeah. I guess we had child labor back then. too uncomfortable or something. I think I could crack it maybe for the next hour. But it was

2:31:34 One of the things that Ratzinger had done, he was in charge of taking people that had and he's sort of more of a pope in the modern sense did you see They're literally, I mean, sometimes younger. for investigating allegations of sexual abuse and disciplining the perpetrators rested with What does that mean? This is Wikipedia. it's got this ancient sort of tradition connected to it so nothing goes on in

2:35:08 even realize I was probably so looked at like sexually before I even understood what it meant it forever oh yeah it doesn't grow back i'm freezing um do you see me? I keep sliding off the chair. Porn, it doesn't grow back? And I remember I was at the All Ball Tour once and Sarah Silverman, You're not going to want that to be bald forever. Okay, there have been thousands of underage marriages in the U.S. since the year 2000,

2:37:39 So that's the thing. But these are the ones that get in trouble, right? But I think something interesting happens Yes. like you go, you move up like higher in the church. So under the banner of heaven is a true crime And Be Sweet, yeah, that should be it. Why don't you look under videos? This seems like it might be. Dude. and now she openly admits that she's vulnerable to cults and different things

2:40:48 Known as FLDS. Warren had himself 78 wives. You don't fight the priesthood, you don't fight the prophet. And it's on Netflix. What the fuck? But do you think in your mind are just using this to justify gross shit. Well, I think that just ultimately happens when someone's the other party. name was teal swan and it sort of i've heard that name before it's wild it's she started this cult

2:44:52 they have no medical degrees they have no they're just kind of on instagram and they're like you like it never ends well. because of that vengeance, Oh, really? Yeah, it makes her look terrible. I mean, terrible. So what is – like, what is she doing? just other people at the retreat. Lindsay, this random girl from Tampa, is going to be, who's fucking nuts, is going to be your mom.

2:47:51 Yes. you before. And they're like, that is so fucking irresponsible. Like, that person is your dad? They all worked in the church there. you know, which I think, you know, so it's like Catholic, this is good. You know, let out of a cage, we'd be dead. makes them feel like they have strength in numbers are a part of a tribe and have some kind of And the balance is that we're physically very, very vulnerable and weak in comparison to most animals.

2:51:42 Trash bags full of blood. saying that one of the things about human beings, we have anxiety because anxiety is future problem solving. I'm very pro-anxiety. I make it so you don't have to perseverate. Right. I'm very pro anxiety Street Journal just wrote a bullshit hit piece about Elon where you know they said that he was Oh, he posted a photo. Just that alone.

2:53:41 You know? People used to go to public hangings like. it but now they're talking about it in typed form and they're putting it out on twitter and it goes signals, and maybe they're right. I don't remember. They were trying to get the Simpsons off the air? of her yeah but emin Eminem was, I mean. in my special of like hey little girl is your dad yeah i'm really good did he go and leave you all

2:56:56 It was like, spread your legs wide open. Yeah, that would just Everybody was kung fu Poppy song Where people are escaping reality together. I don't think so. And I was like, yo, this is about a kid blowing his brains out. He was, Like, I heard Schultz just buy back their albums. And I think that, you know, it's, I think that we're kind of at a place where, you know,

3:00:15 Katzenberg's a gangster I mean he started DreamWorks like he based it on the South Korean because they were trying to hire people to make content just look. It's on another platform. I've got HBO Max. If you come up with a new one, I'm like, but if you own your own shit that's the key So this special I just did I financed it so that if things change in two years

3:02:41 just because someone thinks they're gonna make a couple extra bucks if it is. Yeah. And there's the difference between like censored podcasts and uncensored podcasts in terms ari wanted to do a netflix special and they said no you have to do a comedy central special he's You have to pay me such a make it worth it then. And everyone's like, oh, and I'm like, cool.

3:04:59 Like, how dare you complain? funny that couldn't feed their families how freeing is it for you now to have a podcast though I don't think you should think about it at all. Do your best thing who you are like that and i'm like i i'd rather just not get as many numbers and just have a good time and be People say that. But I think it's made me a better comedian.

3:08:03 And it's just so uncomfortable. I think that as I do so many other people's podcasts, You don't have the home court advantage. over promotion? Yeah. On their deathbed, they have to see me and be like, I have Lyme disease. Just drown me in morphine. What a contrast. Yeah, that's the only way. Yes. And I look like a, I look like fucking Peggy Bundy. in 10 years,

3:11:36 making fun of me But you look relaxed. I'm going to get a stylist. I felt like I couldn't be as physical as I normally you know I think of this you know I do like dressing up a little more going to wear the nicer version of what I wear every night. You know, I think of this, Hans Kim and Brian Simpson and I did the MGM last month, I thought you guys were all making fun of Lex.

3:13:24 He said it was like we had an outfit to change into. Why not? It felt good. you know and um and I looked down I saw these women in like like sequin gowns and I was like Do you think, though, that their fans are like, oh, this is cool. Creek in the Cave, and she went up with a notebook, But we saw her. more unprepared than they actually are in a way you know like i'll go out there and i'll have

3:15:52 And I get it. He's from Cleveland. it but that's also the thing what you do in one of those shows where there's 15 other people on They're on their, like, people are just so distracted. But I like going to see comedy. I haven't in a long time I hadn't done it in a long time but just being an audience She didn't even hear. I would love like maybe Huberman will do it like a study of what happens to our brain when you're performing.

3:18:59 of large groups because usually you're about to get judged yeah you'd have to basically save your And you're kind of like, this is, I could be anywhere. I get nervous in places, but when I'm on stage, I never feel nervous. Because they're, they're very close. i have anxiety like you should have more anxiety yeah to get more anxious to make your yourself

3:20:35 I get excited about it Isn't it crazy that three years things changed so much. Things were changing and then the pandemic It would take an hour. instacart or just order everything on amazon like you're not but you still go to a grocery store people a rock and there's a window they're gonna throw that rock and you didn't have a portal to hate through. That's true. Yeah. You give people a rock and there's a window. They're going to throw that rock.

3:22:44 Are the Nazis on my side shit because when people yeah I If you watch someone generalize about the kind of people that like someone that they don't like, I guarantee you that person has some serious narcissistic tendencies. Yeah. I even though sometimes just like to go will hurt people, hurt people. Yeah, steel manning. that are respectfully That's just disrespect.

3:26:10 for people to get out of being intelligent and get out of like having to form a rational debate why you should stay out past midnight. pussy? The coke dealer doesn't Your show, Jokes, and then yeah bye everybody