Joe Rogan Experience #186 — Ari Shaffir Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day and we'll stick it in there. We'll give you some hit you just push down this little thing and and it opens up the carb for you. You pull down a little. And it won't break either. And bong water smells awesome. I use that. What's that about? I think they just like pissing on you.

2:15 I know when they put a bird on your pillow, that's them trying to give you a gift. yeah i'm gonna pee on where you always like to sit oh i see so wait a minute are you leaving the cat No. She hates the dog, hates most people. yeah invested in that the big part of their they are in that. Yeah. Yeah. Invested in that. You imagine, Yeah. She was one of them.

4:23 That's what it is in my head. No, no, no, no, no, no. I mean like a similar sort of like romance sort of swashbuckler adventure type movie. You're like, wait, who's that girl? would be that feeling where you would were terrified that you Yeah, but you can't. do you have creases on the sides of your thighs from opening your legs as wide as possible so

6:29 Somewhere. Oh, come on. I barely remember knuckleheads in that crowd stuffed brown bags No. It wasn't. Oh, that's right. Do you have all your teeth? is going to have a higher level of intellect One of the reasons why it's a great town like, where you're like, cool. What I mean is, at the super liberal super open-minded point of view and a really interesting um there was a i

10:25 Like, yeah, okay. As a union between human beings. oh really yeah like together they married oh i don't remember that at all yeah that's interesting And he's right those people won't like you that's the only punishment but these people it was really I think they should be allowed to do that stuff. Yeah. What are they just holding on to? You know, the only reason I got married is because it makes my wife feel good.

13:11 I'm super happy. especially when there's 60% of them That's how my approach was. Do you love being around them? that you're legit now. sick ones in the hospital, like three weeks then you have to go to the hospital you're like fucking let her visit what Do you really think that would devalue it? Wow. And he has kids. How long is that going to be around for?

15:51 The murderers. Wow. head it is fascinating how much how few white people can relate to like really poor black people Yeah. while they were alive, He was a crazy dictator Charles Taylor. He led all that stuff. stoned you got it you nailed it the paranoia that i got it wrong he was the 22nd president of There's so many spots that are so goddamn scary.

18:02 Yeah, it's like, it was old. already set up well when you want to get every building they couldn't because everybody would be like people would be just trying to That was the one that they said that the people brought it down. Really? Yeah. But it's somehow or another, people want to know about that, that the guy said let's roll as they got out and they were going to go fight the terrorists

20:23 This is like Jessica Lynch. they came and got her from the hospital and they brought her back home okay that's her story that's They went to the hospital, got her, brought her home. i'm sure it's one person fought to the bitter end like americans they fought just somebody we're going to die. We're going to die. Pow and pow. I think you probably should, too.

22:51 They can't talk to this plane. youtube he could of course he could have also been a slip he could have just i i fuck up all or the people who attacked the United States in New York, shot down the plane over Pennsylvania But he was talking about the bad people. of days and it hasn't moved like a word at all so i've been looking at it every day i mean hasn't

24:45 dead it was just vibrating so i'm just sitting there looking at it and then it shits out like Just to see what would happen. It's May 3rd. So we're at the Manhattan Center. I mean, it's like I have to. beginning to the end did not stop packing bowl smoke yeah packing bowl smoke whenever people He's a fake stoner. But a few people stayed awake and were surviving by figuring out how to stay awake.

28:10 I think it was Meg Tilly. We met her in Open Anthony. Animal House? What did I go see the other night? It was fun. with a rifle who's a sniper picking the wolves off right but that's not that's not real you know they had got some fucking crazy radiation. and he was have to yell like this is far rarer than you could imagine yeah well it's super rare

31:06 Mountain Lion, which is so weird. Android with all their little names. Like chimpanzee. I don't want to see monkeys. Really? You're so far removed from the animal side. Yeah, I can see cats all day long. They're gigantic. Maybe. they don't even eat animals what do you think about this virginia stuff with abortion fucking It's a total weird line to cross because you're making the decision for the person.

33:47 I don't see why you would make him. He goes, the only reason it's legal, one of the Republicans, Yeah, but it's a weird line, right, though? Dude, I had a friend back in New York who his girl got a late-term abortion. Because I don't remember how many months it was in, thing there's no reason for that life clearly at some point it's like this life's gonna continue

35:33 Is that what it is? Jesus Christ, that's a baby it's very clearly human life objective about it Have you seen a baby's butthole before? That's when you think it should be gone? No, I meant, like, can you see it through the stomach? So, okay, you're saying that's too far. image of what it's represented this is what it looks like yeah it's a human life yeah but it's

37:30 Is it 20 cells? old they start kicking man so it's when you can feel it through the stomach skin i mean that's i don't know when you should be able to draw a line but it is a it's a philosophical and a moral sort of they are though it should be one's pro-life one's pro-death what's really crazy Do you ever have a drive by one of those, there was this one intersection

40:02 when that was going down? You know, get the fuck out of America. Why do you have a horn? I saw some shit. The guy that was coming towards me? Can you do that? we got too many rules there's way too many if that really is a law that's that's pathetic i don't He goes, I know my rights. I want to check your car, you don't have to say yes. That okay in the end is really important.

42:52 I mean for the majority, I'm sure they have they have planted evidence, but I don't think so stuff i'm like all right there's a way it's done especially the money amount of money that's but for the most part look in america and you know in a nice place like los angeles knew they were being filmed or something. they had two cops. with the camera the evidence how old is this stuff i don't know it's probably a decade old decade old do you think

45:29 Now they prescribe is going on here. they're opening across from each other across from each other they're like they're it's ridiculous who are making a shitload of money selling weed. He's no shining light of psychedelic love. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. but I don't know if they want We'll have them come on with anonymous masks. Yeah, you ask them. It's like, do you want to do it? Here guys from that place. From that community garden. Oh, right. The guys who run that place. Oh, yeah. We'll have them come on with anonymous masks on.

47:15 I couldn't. I think there's a big issue right now with what they're allowed to write off. i know they said they on their own they said we're gonna pay taxes let's find out medical marijuana a city-wide ballot measure that imposes new taxes I think it's a marijuana, Los Angeles marijuana tax. Lower your prices a little bit, West Hollywood. It's so expensive.

49:17 $2.50. Yeah, you bypass the stores. I like the convenience of it. But the way you can do it is you can take a salary. They do a lot of different things with their money. of the profits he was telling me just your salary If you're the CEO for some giant marijuana collective Too many rules. This came out yesterday. On the back? Check this out. What's cool is the graphics are amazing.

53:05 like for people that pre-ordered it, I don't know how to turn it off. Should I read it? How is it? a lot of the previous consoles. Oh, that makes sense. You can delete it switched over to doing it right where like it shows you all the purchased songs that you've ever downloaded on iTunes. Because I only know pieces of this. When it's really just lollipops.

55:13 Right. whatever you think it is just and if you got high from it placebo effect it's amazing diabetes They have their own security Maybe like increase business for them. i started releasing them it was great and people are looking for it. First, I narrowed down, like, the side of the mall, and two security to my left Yeah. Like nearby in Minneapolis.

57:55 what he called you an idiot he said yeah to the security it's like you're not gonna cost me a distributing it. Some people ask me, what happens Oh, well, lucky it wasn't really weed. She was cool. for it. Yeah, of course. he got on the phone with me. So now, any problem at all. I know. Yeah. Yeah. And it was just Swedish Fish I offered it to the cops

1:00:59 like an LA 8 I mean, Why not? She seemed like she got it too. every time they shoot somebody she wasn't even a real cop was she responsive at all to you she would smile they she knew that it was just something being an They could say that now. I've been going back and forth with him on Twitter. He gets high with people all the time. It's hitting me hard.

1:03:08 Yeah, Twitter, your fucking credit cards. Shit. Ron Paul is supposed to be one in Maine, absolutely, absolutely, truly Look, they can do some Hollywood math on the numbers and have you convinced that we're everything that's that thing that allows people to be detained indefinitely oh yeah with is what i believe a lot of this shit's not popular give me another one of those if you're good yeah

1:05:48 and he could have fucking won, don't get me wrong, Attracting the best PR people. not there's anything wrong with being a liberal, but he's silly. I'm not on team this or team that. He didn't have a fucking, nothing to say. was who's that guy we met in in uh new york that time the boston comic boston comic you didn't like Boston is all jocks was quick to

1:08:24 I was like what do you think what did I offend you yeah he thought you tell you to fuck yourself. Immediately, I must have worn a sweater or something and he's like, oh, in case we all can't be Janine Garofalo. If people didn't know you, you were an alternative. Yeah. He's like, what do you mean? Because he was looking. You're not funny! aids they all have aids it's not funny and and they're super snotty about it it's like the thing

1:10:39 They weren't successful. Over at the UC, whatever it is. What a terrible connection I did. do for this but like spoil the whole pocket Give me a chance. They all want love. I mean, while your dick is like a headache in your pants. I'm not going to try to correct you. Yeah. Yeah. saw that like i like that joke i'm like do you think yeah don't you think it in there it needs

1:14:01 this whole thing about king kong's candhi wife you know yeah probably at home why And he's like, Cunty wife. Ugh. Woo! It was cool. fuck you and you give her double fingers while you're naked fuck you how many guys have done She needs a place to stay, right? Grace Under Fire. You think he cares that you're rated 12th? that doesn't go with what I do at all.

1:16:59 I can see that. No, that's your thing that Mr. Smith goes to Washington or Hollywood So I finally found... realistic Muppet-type, elf-type thing. It was NBC also. think what wouldn't have made it. by Robert Raish, no California law have done a masterful job spreading releasing a letter debunking The liquid looks so trippy that I'm like It's probably

1:19:17 It was on my door for two days Where it goes over where you can stay in the rain. Whose balls are those? They're pretty if they are. and you would just get your balls I always wonder with like a wire frame that was like in the shape of a heart. If somebody kicks you in the balls Totally. People will put it in the shape of a heart. Period. it doesn't tickle you at all?

1:21:19 He would just take his balls out? Yeah, but I mean But there's a line married, Allie was You should suck it. I love the comedy store. She was so confused by it. Wow, that's pretty crazy. Yeah. Wow. Four or five? and a half ago she got into jesus something like that i'm not good with time marijuana's definitely But meanwhile, she's... Well, it's... Yeah. There's... Yeah, I will. I don't quite get it. You've got to get around the skepticism.

1:23:56 God damn it, you would know. store in front of people. and is a little impulsive, She's living with this guy. Intelligent conversations Don't do that And they were like She'd be like, ew, I don't want you he's like a virgin alien i wasn't part of their deal yeah you definitely want to go with the slut crying, ruins all the rest I just want it loves her dog,

1:27:02 so I'm like looking around that's so cool and jeans and flabby of just random black dicks. I worry about that. in comics to comics it said like but it goes but then it goes, Isn't that funny? If you work there and you're like a waiter What? Whoa, today? started fucking while I was driving No, he killed them out kills the kids with a hammer the guy opens He grabs them, pulls them, and pushes the guy out,

1:29:56 I think he lost custody. animated it was animated child porn it was really porn that's so weird i didn't think they had that Yeah. it's so crazy that that guy got as far as one more taste yeah when you hear him talk about it Well, they say that almost everybody that is in that sort of a situation got molested when they were young. I mean, I don't think it's 100%.

1:31:45 it's the opposite way. how old were you? Right. Why can't you hire her anymore? She was so much more fun than the other ones oh i'm friends with her on facebook because i hunted her down i want to marry her Tweet the shit out of that bitch. No, that's all of it. Which, by the way, is canceled forever. I'm sorry, man. I enjoyed hanging out with all the Fear Factor people.

1:33:31 I feel bad for you for a hundred times more between the enjoyment I would never complain about it that kind of money once you get it. The end. What is that? She also does karate. That's not bad. Yeah. She has a nice family now. At the Ice House Yes I'm going to try to get Arj Barker to come down as well because he just said that he's there Friday night until Monday afternoon.

1:35:37 He said until Monday. Brody's like, I can't go up. Or was it like that time and she was like, Who was the rich girl? She was a little chubby but hot. She had to fight it. I'm sure they had network heads going, Blair, yeah, yeah, it was Blair. Blair was kind of hot, but a little chubby. And it was like three words per page. She was a little chubby, but hot.

1:37:01 And how much were they fucking on the side? It's hard to get someone to look at you as a regular person. I was in some waiting room at some like dentist or something. slightly less hot yeah and she said yeah Yeah. I mean, people would say, you're fucking ridiculous. How long do these last? I'm like, this shit ain't going to work. I don't know. Anyway, go to joerogan.net.

1:39:34 Powerful Ari Shaffir will be with me at Brea, California. April 13th through 15th, I'm at the Hollywood Florida Improv. What is it? Remember that place While we're there Like a comedy store taught me about that by the way me and joey diaz are going to columbus ohio oh when are you doing And then we're trying to do, we're also doing maybe Scully's on Ohio State campus, or we

1:41:42 It's one of the great clubs in the country as far as how it's low and tight. Well, on March 15th, I'm doing Easton, Maryland at the Avalon Theater. I'll be in Addison on April 12th through the 15th at the Addison Improv. That's why it's wild. And maybe they changed that. I love girls. Substantially. She's just living for momentary little blips of thrills.

1:44:13 That accent is just so bad. He told us how sad it was. and she's looking right at me and she just comes over she was going to the bathroom but she stopped It was just like, oh, y'all. I would have asked her to keep it. They don't want to be running shit. We're just talking. We're just talking here. Brian's reminding me. People keep on asking me. Oh, that's a good idea.

1:46:43 Formal Sweatpants. Yeah it's not a bad idea You changed him just to That guy said like, hey, I'm going to get a tattoo of you. Exactly. It's a Shirley Temple with, what's it called, rum? So we called it Temple of Doom. anytime the front bar is open they all know now everybody knows now you invented there, if you're working, they could order it. Probably. Anytime the front bar is open, they all know now.

1:48:17 Right before you had gay sex. me to australia to what for in september do like a run of the cities oh one night in each city they I would go for like two weeks. night next time next time we'll do that we'll do a drunk cast plan yeah why not yeah we'll do it we just rent it get you an Xbox code Oh. Brian, four stars? AriTheGreat.com. I enjoyed it. We appreciate you. We appreciate you.

1:50:42 the artist formerly known as Chris, Oh, yeah. Skeptic Tank. Ari Shafir, Skeptic Tank, yeah. by the way the Fleshlight You want one? And if you go to joerogan.net What the fuck's his name? Ralph Stedman. Those are Stedman's. oh, Oh, yeah. 5,000 new podcasts They're long. Go to... I'm up against Anthony. in there it's amazing it's really cool so uh grant thank you very much thank you very much

1:53:36 It's not just your first order at Onnit.com. Hey, man, did you know that Steve Novella criticized your scientific report? It's all for you. we're gonna we're gonna start one we're We should start a cult. We're going to start one. I will buy the land. I think it's a good idea. great.com and stitcher and do you have the raw mp3 available on your website yeah someone has

1:55:46 two holocaust survivors we'll see you at the ice house maybe Arch Bartle will come