Joe Rogan Experience #1866 — Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Mark Normand Transcript

Transcript

0:00 the joe rogan experience train by day joe rogan podcast by night all day Let's start with this. Because then it would feel like you have jizz in your butt and it's not even yours. Latrogenic? The drugs. defaulted. Fistula. and strong suspicion for premature balloon dilation Too hard. Oh, yeah? Like, look what I did to you. it was other guy's jizz I got to go to the doctor.

3:47 just take a look and tell me what you find. Yeah. Some guys do the old swap. Didn't they used to have the handkerchief signs? Yes. That's like congressman gay. Crack it open. It's for sale now online. I don't know anything about the aging. Yeah, I love a good rye. I'm like, God damn it. Rogan. I'm more of a bodega can drunk. This is just my friend.

6:38 Buffalo Trace isn't even expensive. All right. Yeah, it's like. Yeah. Boys. Paint thinner. Good to see you. Right before a show. You just down one and go, let's fucking go! Yeah, dude. Boys. Paint thinner. He slept a long time. He slept on the floor You had cum coming out of your ass. I don't know. Probably had five or six at Kill Tony, at least to Kill Tony. And you kept drinking. Oh, I kept going. How many did you have that day in total? I don't know.

7:55 It's such a good show for comedy. Oh, my God. Well, let me see. Yeah. There's a lot of good people. David Lucas He opened for me at the Creek when I was here But yeah, doing Kill Tony after this was, fuck, that hurt. The odds of you not going hard today. There's so many instruments of death here. From the Terminalist, the television show that he uses, Chris Pratt uses to fucking split

10:01 I bet. Was it still Chubby, Chris Pratt? I cried during Guardians of the Galaxy on an airplane. Number one or two. It's the elevation. We do it all the time. I gave Segura once an edible You're trapped. Just don't be a pussy. You're going to live. They shot that fucking plane out of the sky. Huh? That was to give America a victory. And they were like, hello, are you there?

12:56 I don't know why I'm thinking this and I'm sure it if the if like those people are dead I haven't heard of it. I talked to military guys about it and they were like, yeah, New York. Just don't wear It doesn't tell the time, for real? Yeah, well, they probably do calculations on it too, right? If you had calculators on your watch, they wouldn't let you into college with them.

14:25 Yeah, you were in five colleges. It was cool. How did he get reception up there? That's just on a pilot. Lastword.com. What does weed do? I disagree. Thanks, bro. It does turn on you, but it also turns on you if you've got something to turn on. You have to work it out. Look at that. What'd you do? Not a big deal. Yeah, but sumo's cool. That makes sense.

17:26 Yeah. I think they get laid. It's all about cutting weight. It is a weird sport. Yeah, but I would imagine that a really good, agile, like, 300-pound wrestler might be able to. mean? I don't know. That's a great name, though. Jon Jones is the best. Gustafson he likes the line less fights Oh, they're bleeding. He went nose to forehead right there. Oh, see, this is awesome. Slap the face. We should do this here. Oh, yeah, right. He went nose to forehead right there.

19:50 Oh, he caught you slipping. That's part of the thing. How hard are you allowed? Yeah, look at that. Her shoulder must be fucked. Watch that again. Show it again. That lady, her shoulder must be fucked. Look, he's got a bald spot. They're not just big fat guys. They're not as big as I remember them as a kid. That was slick. He just lets them go? you can just see this

21:30 Two guys tailgating. stuff going. But they're crazy once a day to get their metabolism thousand look at this guy ten thousand calories this guy fucking rules that brings you take a punch I Is that legal? That dude just KO'd. Wow. That should be illegal. Leon Edwards shit right there. seen Nate Marquardt versus like he probably should have. Look at this.

23:30 Yeah. He was one of those guys out of Colorado. He did well in the UFC. That's why whenever someone says that Chael Sonnen wasn't a good fighter, I'm like, you're out of your And Chael Sonnen just wrestle Yeah. You gotta realize how long No one's body. And now he's got the arm, too, and he had to tap because he was doing his arm sideways. Oh, he definitely tapped.

26:22 This is super common, and then they try to take down the referee. He went out. Oh, that blows to get one. You think you're still in a fight yeah like so guys do that something like Kevin Lee Yeah, I went out once. out in college and then I pissed myself. different. The chokeout doesn no, you lost. But it's a little different. And then five minutes later, they'll be like, what happened?

28:57 hunt you can kick him in the head and he just bounces off his head oh yeah his prime dude he He's the shit. Yeah, he lived in Australia. I'm in the war. What's his name? He got kicked in the liver. You're fighting the best guys in the world. I feel it. My liver's all right. We'll see. Armstrong has a big heart? The question is, is that nature or nurture? Yeah. Or or is that is it from all the hard work of doing it

31:25 It's one of those weird ones Dude, let them juice. They say that the Tour de France is healthier for you Then you're subject to liability. doing steroids and I don't think they would ever how would they know they're The flat top, the sword on the chest. Yeah, that was one of the worst tattoos of all time. Like take that bullshit shit sword cuz think about all those like super elite tattoo artists out there yeah you know they can fix that up fuck yeah they can fix that

33:53 I think it was his fourth fight. Fuck yeah. I've called a bunch of his fights. Oh, my God. He what he looks like. Yeah. Have you met him? Fuck yeah. Wouldn't you like to see him bang a lady? The guy he tapped on. So I was there for Min-Nu-So, or Min-Soo Kim, rather, which was in Dynamite. He tapped us. I didn't have to no no no he had a tap. He got caught in kneebar. Yeah. Yeah

35:37 And then he beats the fuck out of Frank Mir in the rematch. Pull it up. It's a rough one. Oh, yeah, handsome fuck really good. And by the way when he was young one of the most fucking gifted fighters Very good. Rube Rockhold. That was amazing. He's built like an action figure. If I was a girl and I was alone and I was at home and these two fucking animals were

37:40 Is that how you would do it? I try not to jerk off more than twice a week. That's not that. On the road it's hard. Don't you get lackadaisical on stage? you're not ready to Spaghetti and meatballs I would eat a giant plate of lasagna Three Bud Lights. That was a cool club. Old fucking dudes. And the piano takes up 98% of the stage. Time capsule. The show starts at like 4pm.

40:24 I watched a kid go on stage and take the mic from a comic and blow cigar smoke I'm trying to do well for 10 minutes. They didn't tell me that until I got there. Yeah, I got extra dirty. The comedy store did it, but the improv did it. Same. Go to the woods. for school. Those were fun. That's awesome. I got blown on the bus. It was a big highlight of my school project. Field trip, yeah. We got a party bus. Remember those? Ooh, nice. Those were fun.

42:10 That's fucking nice. In high school you guys got drunk on a bus? Spanish sword fight. Never. We bottled everything and bossed them. Do you look at each other eye to eye or never? My dad would take us to the Notre Dame spring game. And then my dad and like three other guys that are drunk dudes. Blacked out at the bar and they had to take him home. Dude, we set an alarm clock next to his head and set it for a minute later

44:08 No, we didn't jerk off on him okay but we jerked off everybody whacked off while he was asleep this guy this guy missed out. This guy's... All around him like a fucking seance? I did. Some people might have faked it. alright, so as soon as we got done coming, It wasn't in the hole Oh shit You kids got fucking problems He kicked us out and then locked the door. He was blacked out. He was shit-faced.

46:04 Our uncle locked us out. He he was like, all right. Oh, my God. One of us is going to find an opportunity to get this word out there. It was great. Jizzy. He tasted his own Shut up It's a solid stache. Yeah. Not mine. to do it. It looks good. Ari's is much more impressive. That's a mustache. It's not about you. I tried to do the goatee once. Oh you can't grow one?

49:17 Yeah, that's the worst. up there. My eyebrow hairs are Really? What does he do? Well, he was very popular for doing it At a time where I think Stuff shaved Tough times My whole eyebrow But he's like That's a hot boy. What the fuck is happening here? They're very blurry. Yeah, so he really is. He's showing 40% alopecia. Was it all from Vanilla Ice? He's pouty.

51:42 You got to get the lips up. Oh, yeah. She's still got a body. Have you seen her lately? with the devil. and there's this video. That's Madonna on Instagram. She actually looks great. Wait, look at that picture with her and Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, I take that back. She looks hot as fuck. You know, she's doing the sexy thing. Yeah, it's gross. She was sexy for her whole life.

54:23 Imagine if your dad brought her home. You'd be like, fuck yeah, dad. Nice pull. like 65. He should start. Imagine. Imagine if your dad brought her home. Let's see her. What's wrong with you, dude? I'm not knocking her, but we lost Ari already. My mom in the group, in my family group text sent a picture from her 50th. I was fat, too. And then drinking.

55:57 Don't outshine me. Of course. You want to know what's hilarious? Madonna, look at her dress. That's a monster. Rodman. And Tupac. She is Italian. No, Gaga's Jewish. No. Yeah. Big Dago. You sure? Oh, yeah, big wop. So is Gaga. She's a huge guinea. I meant the name. No, Gaga's Jewish. What is Lady Gaga's real name? You wish. He tucks and he plays My Poker Face.

58:31 House of Gucci? He makes some great shit, man. There's two of them. I watched that again. Nowhere to go. Tony Scott. Tony Scott. Tony Scott. Thank's good. You know why? That's such a good movie. Nowhere to go. It had good pace. Nowhere to go. He directed Top Gun. I see. He loves comedy. Marriage story. It's heavy. I've walked into rooms like that. We've all been Yeah. It's a stunning Semitic man. Oh, I don't want to see this. I've walked into rooms like that.

1:00:16 I want bullshit. I don't want to see that. and that's an environment you're choosing to live in a fucking suicidal depressed environment That's the dirty secret of life. What if the Republican becomes president? Imagine if Quentin Tarantino decides in Vietnam smoking crack. We keep giving them money. Where the hell are we? the best. You're like I just as a role yeah, and they're like now you're out

1:03:35 Mel Gibson. Oh, yeah, you know. Kind of the same. Same, same, but different. Is that real? That's down the line. Whoa. Nice. Yeah. So they had this podcast conference. No shot. He's like, well, okay. in the country. Oh, yeah. So it makes But he's one of the owners of the Daily Wire. That's what you're representing. We promise that sponsors will be more carefully

1:07:19 stopped by. He's 5'8". A fucking podcast. Hi. He's got a nice suit. I think they're just under pressure of like, fuck you, fuck you. Except like everyone at this table. She goes I use the word special. I know this is deeply offensive bad. Yeah, not even just a bit offensive If you become one of those people She said spaz? Yeah, she said it before I'm going to piss.

1:09:55 We all think it's because of this, because of that. Right, they can't get a cult hit later. It was the old viral. It's a really good movie To make a movie like that back then Saving Private Ryan. That's his problem with it. The new one? That's so great. No lion dicks. That's some holes in, Joe. Have you seen the new one? That's his problem with it.

1:11:35 I would love to see a cartoon with dicks. Speed. Yeah, man. That was bad. August 26th. the 90s killed it number 43 ever. 94, I was 11 years old. Like, it's a completely different environment than it is now. Like, there's, like, Right, right, right. Oh, there you go. Hi, Chrisah oh there you go all right it's good Are they? And I think if you don't, they don't either.

1:14:20 You know? You don't you don't have to do it don't need to you don't need to but you could want to and and captions, put out clips. I mean, I'm not saying... It's like this is not my... It's a nightmare. It's a standard aesthetic. No, I know you're not. The problem with that is it's like what you're selling is authenticity. What are you doing? Don't you want to do what you want to do yeah I get trapped and then yes if you're a

1:15:53 Oh, that's the heel. Full woke. That'd be pretty fun So imagine, You got a Bentley. Cut him out. You go with the likes are. Right, be authentic. The only way you can put out what you want to put out is if you put it out by yourself. You guys have a ton of sketches Oh, that's a great one. It's mostly bitter. you want your way. lunch on your time oh it's called Gillian Keys. How do I find it?

1:18:53 on Instagram? I got a spoon feed Dude, yeah, you're allowed to. We should have the whole next season up soon, September. They could never fucking do those things that they do. Let me hear Pelosi. I always see people do impressions. Oh. I'm not doing it. They didn't find anything. so now the left keeps tweeting, They're mirror-flipped. Just accept it.

1:21:35 When Biden wins, they're like, shut up. You got to stay in the middle and observe. I like it, but they're going a little overboard with the dancing. You get Trump on your show? I'll try it. Would be bananas Kind of like We fucked that up. Drunk Trump would be fucking amazing. I was in Mar-a-Lago. I went to Mar-a-Lago because I was doing Palm Beach improv.

1:23:54 I was like... Sure. What if we built a podcast studio at Mar-a-Lago? And we can do a live show. And behind us, it'd be like fucking park ranger hats and shit and pine trees. Dude, there's a gold-plated constitution. It's small, though. You know who's doing stand-up now is Don Jr. Oh. You'd be like what an opulent home He has people live in his house.

1:26:18 Shout out Kodak Black, dude. You were doing the right thing with China. What kind of music is it? Didn't he go out dancing to it once? They do that a lot. pardoned Kodak Yeah, they're millionaires. Guys. He daps people. That's baller shit. that's so ridiculous. They did a podcast with him, and they took it off YouTube. I don't know what their political affiliation is.

1:29:28 I think I've said a lot of things. No, I don't think so either. No. Oof. He will not die. Yeah, this isn't a bit. In the eye. He's not going to. Dude, that sucks, Dick. Yeah, the fatwa was lifted. You ever hear that? Boy, we fucked up Iraq. in the Middle East was like, don't do that. Make sure you don't Wait a minute. This is our fault? The head surgeon, you're out.

1:32:14 Yeah, I thought they just hated Americans. No, they get to say, like, that's sinful, but for real, no. We allowed them to do that. each other. And what is it? He goes, no, it's pretty much everywhere. Before they... The world's not Brooklyn. Well, why can't they chill out? Fucking COVID was brutal for places like rude asshole Americans. Really? Exactly.

1:35:09 and spray paint shit on statues Artifacts and they're getting their hands Oh, so bad. This is his only shot. Oh my God. Just Stop Oil to get the... So everyone's going to know that's where the climate activists him and putting him- He's like, I'm going to fucking work. They scoot right back. Go Maryland. Look at this. Yeah. Dude, if sea level goes up 10 inches, everyone's dead.

1:38:46 Ten inches? That's a devastating number. Did you ever see Trump talking about climate change? He goes, well, we got to worry about this because the sea level is going to go up one-tenth of a fucking inch. as much as 30 inches, 78 centimeters Yeah, but I don't necessarily think and the only way we're going to fix They don't want to do it. It's like a Holtzman set.

1:41:04 It's fucking 15 minutes. Comedy. And then they get crazy. Make awareness to people? You're first in line. Right. That's not a smart person's move. It's the same shit about rape jokes. your tactics aren't working. Yeah, but see, What those people are doing And if you're one of those fucking people that says, Also, cars are going to break down, so you're going to need more gas burnt to get a fucking

1:44:03 Dude, if I had to get a job interview, run over him. laying in the middle of the road. Your kid just got hit by a car. You can get to that level. BLM. I think it was't that during COVID? BLM. They're racists, so they need to look at this pussy. Cops rules, dude. But Jay was like, oh yeah, great idea. They're so good. Do you remember when Steven Seagal was a cop in Louisiana?

1:46:12 It was a reality show. He wasn't doing ride-alongs. Isn't he like 6'3"? Don't touch his hair. I said, sure. And somebody said, man, I think he missed the whole target. That's the exit So he was on the show. Not a big Cale community. I think he did one movie in New Orleans. I think he was like married to the master's daughter or something like that, but he was legit Aikido guy

1:48:58 to the goblins, I'm here to give you It's so nice, dude. It's so nice, dude. I think it is. That's a separate place. Darren Carter. Wow. heavy makes no difference to me you won't walk away this is something new man like us son we do dumbbell presses with weights bigger than you and the as a way to create false racial division in our country, One last message to the gremlins.

1:52:07 share this video, Where was that from? There's no way he's still going And also with his experience? Yeah. That's what he is. Oh, he's still going. He's going to say something wild. If that guy runs for president, we're fucked. Yeah, wow, that's exciting. They're tired of crime. The program was one of the most successful What do you do about that? Find the gremlins.

1:54:50 Is it number 2,000? Elliot Ness was pretty good. so the dads came in Scared Straight was fun I was watching that What reporter? Who was it? Ray Schultz, Andrew's Is that Geraldo? Just watch the whole fight. Ah. Oh, sure. Yeah, I was thinking so. I guess he would in character, though, right? He goes, do it again. That was a great one. You know what?

1:57:49 everything was in this is back in nineteen eighty nine but i was not for a long time but now i said it right here. Right, exactly. Well, we got no problems then. I think that you probably won't say it again. Jim Rome's fucking nice. Any fucking reporter talking shit on an athlete sucks, dude. I think they both did it right. He didn't hurt him. I think Jim Rome hates that clip.

1:59:39 Yeah. they stay act and it makes it fun it's fun it's fun i agree it's fun i'm not saying. It's fun. I'm not saying the hot take. Even if you're like, fuck him. I'm not saying it's right, but I like that he stuck with it. show wasn't my idea. Did we get this but that's good thank you by the way jim rome he's one of those guys that he's just he's like

2:01:11 He does this thing where he won't talk shit, but if somebody calls in, like let's say, to sit around and say, Charlie Weiss is a big fat ass. It's Friday. Putting something on every day. He keeps it on. Maybe the whiskey would kill it. Yeah. Bargatze joke, but I don't trust any study from 1995 in Hawaii. I'm 55. Ah, the kick is scary. Stop kicking things.

2:04:13 and I was kind of interested in some other martial arts. Cha-ching! And it was this dude And so I walked up and I watched this guy train. Monster. one of you was like, that if you see it, When I get high, I pretend that I can't do it. He's like the master splinter of jiu-jitsu. Do you know anyone that can help him? And so I did that When people train in jujitsu, the fucking walls get greasy.

2:07:04 So I felt like I could kick it even harder if I had a good grip on the floor. It might be me. He did? Yeah, yeah. His shit is philosophical. There's got to be some ethics and morals of life that he lives his life by. He's amazing to watch. philosophy of like fuck that he's a bitch fuck it like that's a don't get fooled by the verbiage You're like, oh, yeah, that's so poignant.

2:09:47 And it was just like, yo. He's fucking big. It was a perfect head kick I thought he fucking stunned him and pointed at him. He was the final, he was going for it. Don't get me going, dude. So he Oh, there it is. But Leon moved away. I see. Pat Barry versus Czech Congo. But after that, Pat Barry and Czech Congo. Now it's over. He's, like, super good.

2:12:55 opens up and when he opens up he gets And look, he hits him again, drops him again. Crazy. He also took a second to be like, while he was pointing, he was still, he wasn't sure if Leon was out. You called it, I texted you about it, You're a freak kickboxer. It's so scary. It is. I'm back for four and five. Leon Edwards out-grappled Nate in their fight, I have to say.

2:15:18 to go to the ground with him. See if you can find that. He's scary good. Who's this honky? Oh, yeah. Dangerous motherfucker. He'd been hit twice. Just wave, But this is why this is the best... You see Khabib wrestling a pair. Las Vegas, kids. A month after. What are you guys doing next weekend? We talked about it. Yeah. Let me check. Oh, that hurts.

2:18:14 How far out is the UFC schedule? We're way up there. The third Diaz, brother. oh, I'm going to make some money here. He's like, I gotta do a fucking interview. How was it? I want to have him on the podcast. I will go. And he's like, where are you guys? Oh, my God. We all sat down. Those are so great Because every UFC card has an oh, shit moment. That's beautiful.

2:21:23 And it even affects him. that's how primal this sport Everybody's freaked the fuck out. Because that's his nickname is Rocky. Listen! Listen! That's a corner man right there Damn, that's cool. There's a relationship that some fighters have with their trainers. See, I have a theory that fighters, we're kind of like fighters, go dirtier say fuck more put firemen! Teddy Atlas. Teddy Atlas is the fucking man.

2:24:52 He's really getting to it. Greg Jackson keep asking me these questions if I can understand Yeah. Yeah. Do you know that that was supposedly impromptu? No. That was a great way to handle something like that. To say it's true? It's five minutes long. At lunch, Marshall went to talk to director Spielberg to explain the production was taking Why don't I just use it?

2:27:22 That's how dumb movies are. damn it, really? or anything? I like getting lost in the world. stuff that I think applies to stand-up. you see the videos. Try, try, try, These kids hit me up, and they're like, they run a skateboard magazine. Damn, Mark! It was fun. You landed it. everybody runs in and hugs them. Tony Hawk, the 900. Like, when someone really is awesome and kills it, and they have, like, an insane special,

2:29:48 and he just fucking crushes. I think it's the, I can do more than eight. That's 100% of the problem. There's like a thing where someone does something that's like the bar fight outside of the pub all over the world, right? We know that More say than anybody else. It's still corrupted and fucked up. I'm looking at my hotel window. a fort with cannons. We just have

2:32:29 What are we doing? It works. It hasn't been yet. Do you think it would ever be Like some sort of a distribution of resources, And the top is like, no, we just want our own shit. That's like, all my girlfriends would be great if they weren't hookers. You never get a politician who's not corruptible. You're going to get a smart 10 where it's like not you're just never gonna get that you never get a politician

2:34:50 But it's like, nah, really. I'm a grown up. We need Ari to get like a rascal to get out of here. I'll do one of those. It's all in that mustache. I don't even remember when I got them. Nobody thought about that I can't believe I never had herpes Dude I was just in Australia Australia fucking What the fuck is this dude Don't want to absorb the culture.

2:37:40 Do the club? It's exciting. The stage is too low. Man. You just conquer your inner bitch and just suck it down. Go! That woke me up. It makes you happy. If it was a pill, if getting in a cold plunge every day was a pill, everybody would be on That's our shit rules. Bomb. Maybe I just thought I was killing. Easy money. Molly, the first time I did Molly, I was on stage.

2:40:25 It was the first time you did, Molly. Oh, my God. And I came back out and I was, fans. It was all fans. You can't not say that. No, no. Molly's not like, you're not gonna scream and run You're on acid. It's like, Yeah. Going crazy. What was it? Yeah. Who else? Sid Barrett. Nevermind You have to host this thing I know, but it's four fucking hours. No, I could last for hours.

2:44:16 Yes, definitely. No, listen, listen. Edward Fortyhands. You'll be like, I'm not peeing. You're more of a psycho, so you'll be... That's true. Because I have to pee. He looks exactly like them. Something stupid like that. Am I crazier? Perfect representation of him. True. Go back to Ari. I literally just get cats. Oh, you were serious? I know girls who think you're hot.

2:47:27 Best shit ever Thanks Ready to be Well, he's in New York, dude. LA, bro. Audience feedback. You should dance more. There's a little aggressive attitude, but not quite at the point of violence. Ew, dude. Yeah, there's some attitude in New York, but that's just one of the small parts of New York. Back before the success. This time really suck it down.

2:49:55 We were having three different conversations. So the biggest comics there were you and Bobby Lee. That's when I came back. Yeah. Your new special, Oh. Because I'll be freaked out. It was, first of all, it was so underground Great guy. So this is fun. Because I was just so overwhelmed by being there. You gotta realize, dude, when I was in 1988, when I started doing stand-up-

2:52:42 Yeah, yeah. When I was in Boston, we talked about the comedy store like it was Mecca. I stood after him. I followed Martin Lawrence in his prime That changed Chris Rock's act. He said, He was a murderer. That was terrible. want to hear a short saga? No, no, no. That's her. Come on. Alright. photo of it. She was fucking That's the original. You sell bananas on week.

2:55:49 Hardball. I was just watching this nonsense. And you just had to grind it out. I saw a dice score for two people. I'm going to be a movie star. Fuck these ABC sitcoms. How about the last Boy Scout? He was in In Living Color, And this was like 1990. being in a family and I'm Gonna get you, sucker. Oh. Why? You want to say, I did it. Go out and I'm done.

2:59:11 I'll do four more. I dare you to try. This was 97. Oh, wow. That was the first place I went to. In a fucking propeller plane Suck that dick. That's true. Stop being a person. I hope you're right. Wow. and he was at Catch a Rising Star his hat and puts his hat on the ground and starts doing a comedy show. And then afterwards, I'm like 24, 49. Sorry.

3:03:00 He starts doing outside stand up. That's insane Yeah Yeah, was that good? He's as cool as it gets. Jon Stewart. You guys suck at this shit. I'm saying Mel Gibson should have fucking pissed you guys off. They brought Jon. I saw him at the Garden. Pedophilia. He was the second Nobody could do it like him. A little bit. Do you ever get bummed about the weight on your shoulders?

3:06:14 Right, true. Or do you believe what you believe because it's accurate? correct it, and I want to At the end of the day, a lot of the I feel different about things all the time. We're not the same. It isn't my best. I love you. Because you kind of had to do it that way to learn to not do it that way. And to pretend that a person is like a thing at one specific time,

3:09:12 I know, but we define him as that. He's like, I'll offset your shit. That's great. But back in the day, Al Franken was the one dude that could have stopped Trump. I can do that. I don't know how he does it, but yes. No, I can't do that. Shut the fuck up. George is a little big. Yeah. Yeah, he knows what he's talking about. Could have done it. Hold on.

3:11:50 I got Jamie Foxx that... I don't know if that's good. We have NASCAR. You know what? Nobody of all time. I can't believe people would say otherwise. We have NASCAR. Crazy. Going all in. can we have a guy dressed as, If you wanted to get things through, A bunch of TV shows. they don't have a person over them. Imagine we had a fucking NBC executive going.

3:13:50 We did 20 minutes on tards. Really? Comedy Central knows South Park is God. Without South Park, it's like Sirius XM without Stern. The bonfire will carry them through. Tolkien? T-O-L-K-E-N. We have J-R-R. It was Tolkien in the script with an L and an I. Oh my God. hilarious but he's saying crazy and then 10 minutes later How dare you. a whore. Whore off.

3:16:50 Look at this. The description of this is, I know Paris Hilton is a big whore. And people are there. He judges the wind. Oh my god Being spoiled and stupid and hoarse is supposed to be a bad thing. Yeah, and I didn't mean to say you weren't a whore. Oh, the sheriff? Why? I don't know what year that happened. gay as fuck. I just watched it and I like Damn They're right I'm gay as fuck

3:20:32 We could have been that Me and Renazisi You got all these opportunities. They said, don't be dirty around him. Wait, we're supposed to be clean. And I said, hey, let's go out. I haven't seen it yet. If the story's not over, I'm stupid. What happened? I thought there was a punchline or something. If you were that guy, you would be him. You wouldn't get caught with that because your dad's a good guy.

3:22:59 Yeah, that was wild. Her nose was gone. She was fucked up. The dude who came over. Let me protect our fucking guy. you guys, no. But I wasn't worried someone's going to go pee. I'm not even thinking about it. I'll be honest. Oh, shit. There's still a full beer for you? Are you nursing to go get them. Let's get more beer. Ari's going to get more beers. Oh, shit.

3:25:10 That's going to be easy. Joe, I swear to God, I'll sit here all day. Oh, man. Maybe. 199 with like 15 I'll chug a fucking bottle of fucking whiskey. Because I can wait forever. You're drinking cowardly, man. Eagle things? But it's like whatever it is. Joe, I'm not saying your participation is diminished. For sure. Once he roams the competition, it starts then.

3:28:03 Sober as an eagle. True. Jamie, what happens? Lex, uh, uh. Nice job, Tiger Woods. Yeah. Really? Uh-oh. You're 1.0. JMO really puts you over the edge He's got it in his hand. Don't be orchestrating. That was perfect. You're good. Oh, all right. Show it, bro You're the man For peeing almost everything. Are you gonna bong another one? You're going to be embarrassed how much you don't drink.

3:32:01 I had a glass of that. A bunch of pink wearers out there. I'm a great drunk driver. I'll be in Montreal and Toronto and Vancouver. Ugh. Nothing. I'm definitely going to beat you guys. More than one. No way. Are you kidding me? What? Yeah, you look good. Or this little machine that we bought off Amazon. I can definitely take to the road right now. Is it scary having kids?

3:34:34 Ain't that fun? That's why I do it. We worked out today, this morning, and I feel good. Everybody should do it. And I do it a lot because I think it's important for me. Someone's better than you Muhammad Ali versus Bruce Lee What about the early years when they're annoying and crying Well said. You're getting them but he's a good person. Please don't exaggerate slightly.

3:37:18 Yes. You gotta be scared. Everything I've ever Yeah. I'd be worried about people I don't know. that was a baby. the wrong people around her, That's not good. Yeah, that's all of us man. If you live that lady's life you would be her You gotta accept that just doing an open mic don't do it you're gonna bomb yourself people that's I am worried about you. I'm worried

3:39:50 I don't understand it. Are you nuts? I like a cocktail I didn't mind it. It sucks, right? Looking back on them are great He's an animal. But after it's over, you have the best fucking stories. We couldn't believe we survived. Did it suck for you? this sucks, doesn't this? So he goes, yeah a reality check. The only Mountain lion attacks. Wait, what?

3:43:13 People have no patience for your nonsense. not great right now and i'm like why not he goes the older comics they don't shit on us anymore Yeah, you need it. that criticism is the tragic result of unmet unmet needs Yeah. You got to struggle. it falls apart big list I'm not going anywhere. I swear to God, I'm not pissing. Good luck. We're five hours in here.

3:45:56 Joe's had five drinks. I drink water with liquid IV. I'm very well hydrated. I'll piss my pants right here. Yeah. I called you cute. I'm pretty fucked up. You won't. Peer pressure. Put it down. I'm just trying to be fantastic. Mark says nasty. I was trying to get his head. Really? When Dave Foley talks about things, if you ask him, hey Dave, what do you think about this?

3:49:22 conspiracy theories which Which is real. Shut the fuck up! Well, we don't have proof. You don't know anything, Mark. What proof? Yeah. That's a big problem in the U.S. I can't help it. You've never met people before. and inside these mounds, and they ferment, You don't even know why you did it. If you believe what they know right now about the universe, they know that there's more planets and more solar systems and more physical bodies.

3:53:37 And if these fucking dumb pussies show up and ruin that. Just let me enjoy this. with my teeth. Right, right. and Ohio State, dude. You're thinking about Notre Dame. He's thinking about Ohio State. I'm just thinking about Notre Dame, Ohio State, dude. No. How does Mark's... That's the ultimate way.