Joe Rogan Experience #1876 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. One must burn 500 calories in a workout every single day, seven days a week, 365 days. The problem with contests is they absorb your whole life. It was though in the beginning we were trying to figure out how much we were going to burn, Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. we were losing our minds through the hills Yeah, we went crazy. The problem is it would become your whole life.

3:21 He did. Congratulations. cardio i get here do i freak out about Russia? With wild shit like the Russia-Ukraine war, most of the time I look at the news, I'm like, Is that a problem? You know, got shot by his own cousin because they're on the wrong side of the Mississippi. No Missouri fucking this family was Confederate. because they said that they were like Robin Hood.

7:07 Oh, no shit. Really? So when they came over to America, they carried that ethic about conflict. Wow. It completely makes sense. Long history of warfare. But if you're living in Scotland, there's a good chance that someone 400 years ago from your family also lived in Scotland. generations do we have to stay in this one spot? Or is it just such a constant melting pot with

10:12 What's your ethnicity? But that's not like being white. Tad. Tad. And so like Fitzsimmons, the name Fitzsimmons from the Irish and they would say, Simmons, this is yours now. Now you're Fitzsimmons. That's right, Dave Fitzgerald. Dick Daugherty got through comedy from AA. that fucking guy he was solid and he had that voice yeah it was very they make you feel like shit.

13:10 And then you're in, but you don't want to be in. And you get good benefits. You get increased pay every year. Yeah, and if you leave, boy, people will be mad at you because that is a good fucking job. Everything with people. And everything with people where people can get into a position of power and control other we can get people to work for a dollar an hour did you know that yeah it'll cost us this amount

14:39 I know. It's like the fall, the winter, the spring, the seasons. have the inclination to go, But you also, there was the It's a place, it'll be a place it's a trick you can get sucked into it Wouldn't you like a yacht? Yeah. But also like to set a place where it's like encouraged supported and fun, we're doing shows together, you just get entered into the ecosystem.

18:34 So you have your own podcast. But I know you're only doing it because you want to stay inside this group of people. Yeah. And if you're in team Hollywood, there's one way to decide about things. how most people think. No, it's not. They want to go out with their friends and have fun. You know, that's Tom motherfucking Brady bitch who cares who he's friends with yeah if he was thrown for tampa bay you were fucking pumped right you know

21:38 And so they stopped using him because of his protest. He was on the bubble. He was not an elite quarterback he's not And that dude is just like, he's so present. plays in your head that you're communicating 280 pound guys are running at you. I mean, I don't know what's going on. Mississippi. And there's a whole text chain just, I mean, plain as day.

24:51 I mean, is that one of those? you know he'd pay half his half his money yeah like this scandal was about to go down right now the reputation. Forever. And not only that, addicted to substances and gambling and a lot of wild shit. And it comes from like your brain being And the amount of excitement on Super Bowl day must be unfathomable to us mere mortals.

27:21 Fuck, man. He's fucking bored out of his mind win, of making an extra million Just go be normal now. Yeah. for sure, people you know are going to die. And also part of your training, a big part of your Have you ever been hypnotized? He's like a mind coach for fighters. And next thing you know, I was in like a state of mind. So it was almost like you're on a drug.

31:19 It's all said you're singing Madonna with no shirt on in front of a comedy club audience. I don't think it works like that. Yeah. That was amazing, though. And this guy, he would literally get... Like when someone's talking you through it, It's because I'm not really calculating high. But people get, they like, people trip balls from breathing exercises oh yeah yeah well you know

33:37 Interesting. They'll start to fuck things up. But along the way, it's the getting in your own way stuff that fucks people up. Right. being better at what you do. So for me, it's like the things that I concentrate the most is like I want to be stimulated by this kind of guest. a cigar in the back going this kid's a star It's just more of an energy that you're putting out because you're just like, your juices are flowing and your confidence is up because

37:13 You know, oh, man, it's Tuesday night. And then the universe will reward you. to sit in front of that fucking computer. And there's something in most people that can't resist that. You know, that everyone is as successful as they think they should be eventually. Like, I didn't feel like I should have been just like, hey, fuckface. now but it doesn't mean you're still that person some people are never separate from their worst

40:38 You know, they're picking on some guy dude, I was a fucking piece of shit I don't even know why I'm doing it. that moment when it's something as brutal as like getting your ass kicked when after a year or two, And you're like, I don't remember you on SNL. And so you have to put in like a database everything you're and they forgot that he's one of the best comics alive

43:05 He's a great guy. Yeah, he's out in the country. Yeah, he's in Florida. Did you see Don Lemon was trying to talk some climate scientist into saying that this hurricane And then every time there's a hurricane, everybody on the left is like, well, this is – Yeah, but no one logical. And he wasn't even a climate scientist. a hundred years, you can get these crazy spikes. You're like, oh my God, look, we started using

45:55 Didn't have anything to do with us. That giant ass fucking desert in Africa, that was all tropical. thousands thousands of years we just look at things through this tiny little window of history Pangea. or Malibu like good city this is like No, no, no. It's just going to go right through the ground. and they were like and with people Jesus Christ 10 feet is this desk.

49:12 I mean, it really feels like those people get to drink on the street. It's my second time ever being there. But what's nice is like, when I think about how many times me and my jackass friends have There's so much live music here. in that regard. But to have a thing that you shows? I don't like them. I don't do them anymore. I stopped How much is it affecting your life?

51:02 That's all in your head. Let it go. If there's a buddy and he gets mad that I didn't wish him a happy birthday, we're not That's not even a thing. Yeah. I mean, you're my best friend, and no one's ever thrown me a birthday party, Yeah. Look what she's trying to get. healed individuals come into my big say in that relationship i'm like that guy doesn't get shit to say in that relationship I'm like that guy

53:51 the way I know I'm like that guy's He couldn't keep it together. There's no way you could be yourself if your wife is worth $39 billion. And she's just fully committed to social justice and prison reform. Give him a fucking Lamborghini. Why not? You want a mansion, cocksucker. Buy him shit, Mackenzie. Buy him a Lambo. to climate accords? Look at all this shit I got.

56:42 And people got so angry. Well, that's what I, of saying, How big is your yacht? He's very wealthy. Because that's the thing And now you can do so he parties so he likes to get drunk so uh he just fucking has this giant house that floats on Don't get me wrong Jeff Bezos is going to have one. Even if he gets one ten-thousandth of her money, he'll be worth $20 million.

59:47 No more teaching. He's the guy that hangs around the house yeah yeah it's a tricky relationship yeah you know when a woman's worth that much more than you fuck i mean that's not that's not like she makes 100 to try to coordinate a potential. Join the right yoga class. Yes. Yes. It gets sketchy. Yeah. Yeah. He had a house, a big mansion in the desert, and he had scrubs.

1:02:08 And he tries to kill her and she fucking kills him. He had done it with a number of women. And so they contact lonely men. And I think he was a widower. She's really in trouble and she owes money. Like just like this poor fucking guy believed. and like finally my prayers have been answered. I mean, I can't, I mean, of all the human emotions to feel like loneliness is, is at

1:04:34 Yeah, but it's romantic affection. one day I'll be the boss and I'll be happy. No, you're going to be happy or you're not going to You need it. We all need it. night and I would hang out there and I tried to do a set and I was what's Yeah. No. She's the best. Yeah. three nights, and it's just crazy. Now you And his attitude. He just works every day, always writing, always writing. And he moved here.

1:07:56 Comedy separated from Hollywood is the best comedy. Texas has real people in them, and I didn't think that was a thing. And then you've got the guys with the loafers and the dress shirt tucked in. Jesus. Oh, when I was upstairs watching Brian Simpson last night. He goes, how long you live here? We've been here for two. You can't wait to have blue hair.

1:10:53 and they're gross. They've never done anything Yeah. And I just hear one guy go, well, what about the He doesn't belong in this hotel. Probably losing money. That's one bullet I dodged. I'm like I don't get it Uh-huh. It's all digitally created Pull up Beeple's Instagram page. Naked baby Trump. I just assume it's woke. That's his life. I'm going through them.

1:14:52 Damn, no shit. 2.4 million followers. you're actually getting real digital art from this guy. club or something like that i don't understand because it's just a photograph and you own it i Like if you bought one of his art displays and it's like that, Dude, pull up Kevin Nealon's. it's like as good He's also one of those guys Isn't that awesome? Look at that fucking...

1:17:33 Look at the capillaries in the nose. Oh, wow, look at that Bourdain. Yeah. He does good stuff. He'll show the illustrations too Yeah Look at Mark Zuckerberg. There's one that we have that makes But it's so... That's great. because we all kind of, it's not what's on the internet. And what I get is like, he looks old. Yeah. I think that was part of his function, was to show that the king could be in on the joke.

1:21:10 You know, you work in marketing for FedEx during the day, Yeah. And if someone just decides that you've dishonored the queen like the Dracula story, the Bram Stoker version of Dracula, Look at what he used to do. He would cut pieces of a prisoner's flesh off They're not sure. That's fucking rough. Yeah. Yeah. There's some He's great. But one of the things they did is those people would fight to the death.

1:25:05 immediately hack off your arms hack off your legs then just chuck you on the fire yeah and then they captured white settlers and they didn't want to leave they wanted to stay with Didn't they take her away to like Pennsylvania and then she escaped and went back? everybody you know like romanticizes the idea being a plains Indian wow must have been incredible

1:26:57 But people were leaving and they were like living with the Indians. settler, if you're in the right place at the right cannibalizing the victims that they they captured. People did horrible things in all ethnicities, Yeah. off, cut their arms off and show the other people that they're willing to do it and then That's what happens when you get mob mentalities together.

1:30:25 Like for most of history, people were cunts, just horrible, murdering cunts. Yeah, the school shootings, it's like the reason why they're so horrific is because Because it's almost all of them. Because it really was only like a few lives ago. Because 300 years before that was the same shit. about two seconds, somewhere in the range of two seconds goes one G laterally with all-wheel drive. The handling is outrageous.

1:33:26 they'd be like, How does it know telephoning you from somewhere else. And it goes, getting directions to Vulcan Gas Company. Like I do that all the time now. I just ask my Nope. 66, baby. Have you been? That's the mecca of bodybuilding. And even the women, the women are bodybuilders, but they're fucking beautiful. Yeah, there's a lot of people doing selfie workouts at Gold's Gym.

1:36:35 that less valid than someone who starves himself to look like a coat hanger and walks down a runway? fuck? Yeah, bro. that's a real motherfucker. He's like, he's free of, and he's got his whole head tattooed. That's all they would be going for. It would feel extra exciting but i think it's i i think it's legit i think that's actually who he is i don't think it's legit. I think that's actually who he is.

1:39:03 Yeah. What do you think you would get if you got a neck tattoo? That would be a fucking badass tattoo. They called them, the Sioux was like a Native American word. I don't know. That would be cultural appropriation. go to the image, yeah. Like, that's a guy What about the guy with the flowers on his head? Right. He got tackled. But to own it like that and to go, I need to smell Kim's ass.

1:41:53 What a dick. Imagine thinking that's funny to do, too. You don't think He stepped up. No. You know? Dude, whatever happened with Chappelle, they beat the fuck out of that dude. Attempted murder, right? That dude needs to get his ass kicked. You're going to get fucked up. would be a good idea. Yeah. People think like they watch movies and they think people get

1:44:57 He's like the guy in your town now who's off. Like, you're not coming back. For how long? what would they convict you on but fuck man I was watching a video of these guys standing up you're falling so far and you're hitting your head like if you just fall two feet There's also a lot of people talking about neck punches now, That's just as dangerous because you could break the windpipe.

1:47:32 The chin is where it's really dangerous. guys will land a kick on the neck, Getting hit in the head is fucking horrible for you. Right. I heard that there was evidence that was not allowed about a cocaine dealer who had sold him a pretty good quantity of cocaine just before the killing. this golf course, Hanson Dam. And another dude, and I look up. What year was this?

1:50:01 So, but he wasn't allowed at country clubs anymore. And OJ just turned and walked away. Jackie fucked you. I play pool with him. Yeah. The guy's grabbing at his gear off of his you don't know his language, you don't know his history, and cutting your wife's head off. The rap video Yeah. Yeah. He might have been so... A few lines. OJ, tell me! after he was acquitted.

1:54:18 Oh. Well, he had this thing called Guys Gone Nuts. Oh, there it is. They're going to find it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. In the state of monsoons That's probably one of the skits, probably earlier on. All right. Maybe he just did something which, like, he accused them of hitting his ball From a guy that you knew was a murderer.

1:57:36 in Naked Gun and you were And what if it didn't happen? Like they've just set him up the entire time. Yeah, Mark Furman. all. Yeah. and he described the murder from his point of view. Yeah. I forget who gave it to me. you know that movie handsome fellas like one of the most expensive action movies ever. i don't think it's true story but i think there's some basis in history that they have done things like that.

2:00:20 But this book is about this one guy who's the elite of the elite, the gray man. Kills everybody, barely gets shot. That's what I was just going to say. You can't just drive places anymore. He's not fucking anything. where it had like a weird ending. No, it was good at the first. There's only so many roads. You get John Lithgow and Jeff Bridges together

2:02:34 like I said, I mean, When he calls a guy out. Sure. of the 92 year old man pick a fight with a, I don't know where it was. It eventually turns back around normal. No, it gets better. Look at them standing in front of each other Let's go, bitch. And he's pushing everybody the fuck away from him. Look at this old dude, man. Let's die like this. how to fight.

2:05:40 after he knocked out Women can knock you out. Fucking dangerous. Oh, Jesus Christ. What happened? But isn't that funny? You know, we used to wear like ratty ass clothes and we put dirt on our face. I can't see that well. it turns out it was a girl from the next town And during the day, you play hockey. And, you know, you'd hide some beers in the snowbank.

2:08:19 I was like, oh, where's she from? I didn't know her. Oh, no. Of course she did. She probably would have been a wild one How old is he? That's hilarious. Gypsies, man. Is it really great? but it is fucking cool. But it taps into that world champion in the world no shit yeah the boxer really tyson fury he's the gypsy king oh that's It's really funny, man.

2:11:45 that this band of gypsies just moved into like an abandoned lot on their street. I don't know. What was the movie where, wasn't Brad Pitt? Fucking classics Yeah Fucking Amber Heard trial Because Brad physically had it over him, I think all of us fall short of that Yeah. Drunk heroin life does not lead itself to a lot of wild sexual exploits and chaos.

2:14:24 Fuck you! Doesn't matter. Yeah. gotta put it in and she just goes finally oh no you're like I wasted all these years of butt fucking. I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. from one guy's butt and one guy like How do you heal from that where you can shit again? I got a friend who's gay. i go okay i go but some of them do right it's still a thing he's like yeah they do

2:17:55 I've seen the videos. But I know a lot to do. You're throwing up the bat signal. He's like, I never got it. It's so good. And he was working on new stuff and playing around when he was here the shroom you know tender wow and uh i got like uh i got an eighth of um mushrooms like fresh a bridge that took us back to vancouver and it was like six hours and uh and then when we got back to

2:21:08 Yeah. Yeah. And then he meets a prostitute in San Francisco and he sleeps with her. yeah, And she said that line and like 150 people fucking doubled over laughing. Yeah. Yeah. Did you ever believe her as a prostitute in that movie? circumstance who can change. That's right. It was fucking perfect at the beginning of that movie as he's laying out his ties and

2:24:02 Richard Gere was a bad motherfucker. were like, boo, fuck you. Right. because that's one of the – you'll find this with your daughters as they get older Boring. They got my thumb, Charlie. Yeah. I took it all, man. I don't know him that much. That's a hug. some terrible movies But he'd done some terrible movies since, too. There was some karate kumite type movie.

2:27:28 Let me see some karate. Yeah, man. Who thought of that title? Best of the best. That guy. No, he's not. He did get in a car accident, Eric Roberts. Karate accident. I'm so removed. I had to learn how to walk again. Because he was rehabbing off a weed. He shouldn't be in rehab. in their face yeah it's like the worst idea ever, like for someone trying to recover. I mean, there's a reason why it's Alcoholics Anonymous.

2:31:53 Watching them deteriorate on the show, too. lot it can't be like for the rest of your life money it might get you by for the year but now was like run on a treadmill. He was fine. same kind of thing they would think that and therapist was there People love watching that. Got to shoot low to go below America. Would you be one of those people that gambles away every fucking penny you have no matter what?

2:34:37 because I was like, I know people like this. and when he'd lose he's fucking devastated but he would win he'd be like fuck yeah fuck yeah yeah he would be betting on girls' high school basketball. And they're like, girls, high school basketball. And then the thrill of chasing money and the wondering whether or not you're going to succeed. I knew so many guys that were gambling junkies from my pool hall days.

2:36:56 And it was really interesting. But you had to be able to make a shot. He was trying to slow the horses down so much he stood up. name? And George the Greek was always talking about William Kunstler. He's my attorney. He was always running some kind of a scam. My daughter was on a soccer team and he was a professional I fucking love Yeah. Those gamblers, if you're betting high enough and chasing that dragon of excitement, you're probably going to risk it all.

2:39:28 coming to America was such a fucking from Airplane. and they have a nice house and they decide to sell everything. They're going to simplify. We're going to buy a mobile And she gambles all night and she loses all their money. and he's trying to pitch to him, Oh, this is a great scene. the money right here. Give or take a thousand. how he got started?

2:41:51 Yeah, yeah, yeah. was Rob Reiner. So they book him on the show. He fucking destroys. There was three channels. from doing the Joe Rogan experience Yeah, it was over. with Carson crossed you for him forever Yeah. Right. There's so many choices. Yeah. Period. And you'd see him again. Right. you're alone by yourself, all that finagling and promoting things.

2:46:33 That's the real determination of whether or not something's good. Did you see what they did to House of Dragons? Yeah. And she's supposed to look 35, right? So they kept some, and they look exactly the same. Yeah. It's very occasional. But they kept the king? I'm sure he's a good actor but maybe he's not right for the part, but I'm not excited about the king.

2:49:00 Yeah. And I think there was three different queens. But I'm not a fan of the royal family, but that show is really fucking good. But not mid-season. Why'd you do that? Change her voice a little bit. And they all have black, kind of wavy long hair. Fuck that. Yeah. So what's going on? Where'd they go? those guys that like fought for her oh yeah but they were eunuchs yeah and then there was certainly

2:52:30 And she was good. Yeah, he's still around. but I heard it's a fucking disaster. Can you look that up? This is $465. First show that fell. What's like Rotten Tomatoes Dorks. Did you watch the Lord of the Rings movies? I mean, the guy wrote a language. Amazing. lying the witch in the wardrobe or one of those books and you just get sucked in for me it was

2:55:16 In comparison, the whole first season, Well, maybe it's good. Shit, if they're gonna spend How much was the Gray Man Yes. Yeah, they did one release in the theater. It only has to play like for one week. He's the best at killing people. No. because he's got a wife I can't name all the crime families in New York, but he worked for different crime families against each other.

2:58:11 He was killing like 100 people. But it's all about that guy. a Brooklyn neighborhood where death by natural causes is six bullets in the head, One of his crew was the chief supplier of cocaine at Studio 54. before they were shot and dismembered. The special NYPD FBI task force cracked the DeMeo gang. You read that? Yeah. That would freak me out. You've got to read this, cocksucker. Wow. Scary ass book. Damn. You read that?

3:00:41 Next door. Wednesday night was the night when they all met. They'd walk up and down, and they'd have their business conversations. Dude, the people that we rented our apartment from were, it was, their name were Tony and Gladys. I'm not going to say their last name. And they were like in their seventies and You always had to sit down with them. you know who i know i'm not saying who i know but you know who i know and we're gonna tell some

3:03:33 Probably knew him a little, but imagine talking about that. That's my apartment. And fucking there was shell casings in one of the end tables. God. the kind of places where you walk in and they sell like six pairs of jeans and three belts for like $1,000 each and like, you know, little, you know, great little restaurants that have All right, Gregory, let's wrap this up.

3:04:54 at the Den Theater Remember, we almost lost that spot. I know. Gibbons. We cover the news every week. I heard it's awesome. All right, Bye, everybody.