Joe Rogan Experience #1879 — Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer & Tony Hinchcliffe Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. We should address that. Are you not having any drinking cravings? I would sniff paint if I could get that for shows. That feels good. The weed? It's like, oh. Last night was fun. I was stone sober Yeah. I like being on stage. Last night was fun. She was against the wall. We get angry at anyone else doing it. No one cares. That's what they're threatened by.

3:04 For a richer dude, yeah, yeah. That's a big one. That's infuriating. Because that seems like the one that's not a goddamn one that angers men. Like when a woman leaves a man for a rich man. For a richer dude, yeah, yeah. She can't do anything about it. But it must be how I feel. Boom, boom, boom. And men are penny stocks. No, but, like, no. She was transitioning into Santa pretty quick, getting writing jobs.

4:55 I feel like this whole analogy was just for me as a Jew. You remember that guy? You've got to look it up. it stays I think she's lovely Just out of nowhere goes, see ya, bitch. They weren't even married. Upgrades to like, I think 27, 33, somewhere around there. To her. Angry. I would go right to Grindr. Really? Wait, are you missing drinking at all?

7:53 Jaime Garcia's are the best. I like a big ring gauge. in Nicaragua. Oh, did you? I'll talk to you about it later. What do you mean? It's maybe my funnest thing I like something sometimes too big Just something like that. Ugh, flavored cigars. I think it's called... Yeah, my Matt is, no, my business manager is a legitimate connoisseur. Can you imagine somebody going, hey, I just saw, you know,

10:59 right now i go how that is brilliant you take a photo of it and then it shows you it's like oh Yeah. Never. And he would dry age his meat for a year. He was, muskier like a 16 ounce T-bone yeah and he... Did you guys podcast? We did a podcast. He said he doesn't have them. Test that guy. And I'm going to. You know who's good friends with him? He's got to be good at what he does, dude.

13:45 Yeah. He's done a good job of curating really good inspirational ideas. It was really cool. going to his house in Bali and him making all his servants sing never see this. and I could see that he it's like The Rock formed a semicircle to look at the guyircle to sing a traditional Fiji farewell song. It's his place. He needs to, like, so this is his staff for his home?

16:36 You mean Robbins? that they're unenthusiastically clapping in that chain it's my favorite video And then two days after drinking. It's and i was ripping farts that were just coming. I eat wild. You want to call him right now? Yeah, I wanted to, but I got home and I went, hold on. No, no, I just walked outside the Vulcan and there was a plethora of homeless people going,

19:13 Then you brought it back and decided not to eat it. And I went to the doctor, and the doctor said, listen, man, this is going to affect your And so then this other doctor, he's like, you need to lose weight. They ate it. Yeah. Couldn't even tell you. How's your tits and your arms? shirtless i took this picture i sent you a picture of me shirtless shut the fuck up your picture was

21:47 I walked by the mirror and I was like, I look good. All together. So you go to this concierge service You get all this blood panel done And he goes don't work out Count kg and everything did everything and he's like and we haven't gotten the results yet a stroke and you're going to die. Actually, probably because, and he's conversation when we get my blood work back and all my tests that's fine but i said i don't think

24:08 From what you're telling me, either you're lying to me or – I really think that. If you ever done it so much Ooh. Edibles or smoking? But that's why I was saying edibles. Yeah. Yoga is great high. They do hashish Like they're having a bad disco You're the guy? It's wild. Fuck. like the, you know, hot rocks. and actually sit in there for 35 minutes and you can see

27:48 20 minutes at a time, and I think it's heart strap the other day. I wore it too. An hour at the Schwitz. It's like 134 you, I think. You're sitting there and your heart is jettisoning. I wore the heart strap the other day. I wore it too. What's it called? They have chin-up bars. So what's wrong with the infrared? they're talking about the specific things that happen in your body. Your body produces cytokines.

29:47 And the combination of that and the cold plunge. When you get out of that fucking thing after three minutes, you're like, ah, the weight Do you have different recovery since you stopped drinking? I did. And so you go right in and look at- You got to take out a shower. Priced right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The old football ones? I used to go to North Hollywood Ice.

32:55 34. Really? I mean, if you're going from nothing to 50, I gave three kids $1,000. pretty confused? And I go, who was it? Look, it's like, for them to, it's a hard thing to do. Yeah, yeah, I love that. I love that energy. Yeah, I used to do Chinese New Year's and any time anyone gets four of a kind, Oliver Stone thought he was there what the fuck are you talking about

36:00 Oliver Stone. And he's citing it from memory. Yeah, yeah. with him. He said that Putin was being There's like a mild version of the herpes virus that they gave someone. Yeah. Like guys with herpes would just be lining up to bang chicks with breast cancer. And he's willing to cure you. Yeah, but that's one of the cool things Well, he was really unhealthy and didn't exercise at all.

38:55 Right, right. Like, you probably wouldn't be really encouraging him to go to the oncologist. Like, you would just accept it. Yeah, other level paid, billions of dollars. Eat an apple, you're fine. over an eight foot putt with a fucking green jacket on the line having the yips having to while you're dying yeah you've ever been told what did andrew human we called you we were on the phone with him during

41:11 can you know can i drink and and andrew's like well yes studies show that if you want to have Decline? he's a great guy i love him but uh he we were talking about it like he has always been a guy Global presence of dementia. More specifically, low levels of alcohol may provide some benefit in reducing the risk of dementia, you're like, ah. That's how I do it.

43:52 I felt so good. It's so relaxing. Yeah. There's a reason why they're paying fucking $100 million for a house that's like a quarter of an acre. There is a genuine That's a different thing though. Because the tide changes every day, right? Because it would come up and hit the house with such violence on some days And you just realize, oh my God, that's like a fucking hundred trillion gallons of water.

46:59 They ate him. They ate him. He couldn't. Yeah, but you could learn. They're called the Sandwich Islands? it's ridiculous. No, it's not cool. Isn't he embarrassed? Crying, laughing. And he's like, eh? I go, he was taking No. He has a kid. retriever, it's like in his DNA. pool right away My god the poor dog did I get banned it when we just have the look of, like, I'm going to put her in the pool.

50:34 Yeah, but, like, as a baby. He's got webbed feet, Joe. Like, the first time I ever threw a ball to him, he picks it up and he brings it back. It took a leak. I came out of the bathroom It's encoded in their DNA. They're like, you're my best friend. They'd grab the bird, bring it back to you. Oh, yeah. a lot of cities, and it's also about the countryside.

52:41 dogs loose, and they find rats in this countryside. here they are, there's those little dogs Murder it. That's crazy. Yeah, you're right. Well, they'll live in. is it a king rat and they can't move rat king that mean well they're enormous they look like dogs that's right they would Look at the size of that thing. They pay a dude, a couple people, just to go around at night with a.22, and they're

55:00 Nutrias. but they we pulled up to do a gig and he's like I've never screamed higher in my life. just with a.22 just at night with a cocktail. And I had my BB gun. This is insomniac. but in a lot of the country, people eat them. It was like $9. and he's killing, Then I'm tied to that. What are you talking about? Yeah. So I look at it, this watch, and

58:31 dude stop I'm just gonna pull it This is the one that's comfortable, too, because it's on a silicone strap. I can't believe it. His arms are destroyed. Why was the stupid in there? I'll get you a nice Omega Aqua Terra. Yeah, I want to get him something that's, like, under the radar, but it's a nice, like, Do you want it? Shut up. Come on. I'm just not a watch wearer.

1:00:44 I remember him saying, I'm not buying fucking fancy watches. I got this G-Shock. I wear this. What the fuck are you talking about? Joe wasn't a watch guy. Early on, old school Joe Rogan was not a watch guy. That's beautiful. It's not legit because it come it doesn't come from the ground a little bubble bubble bubble. Is it a fucking diamond? if it came from technology.

1:01:51 But women do not want that fucking man-made diamond. Which model is that? That's a little pricey. Is that one of the self-winders? Limited number of them. I'm in New York. I have no fucking idea. then you'll probably be alright. The but you always say you have trouble spending money, and I don't hold on let me tell this is my favorite It goes on and like this really heartfelt text you deserve to treat yourself every now and then. This is an affordable treat.

1:04:36 And I call Tom. I'm buying a new Rolex. What are you driving around? I don't know I rented one like about two years ago or so on the road. I feel like a grown up. i always used to do that first thing i used to do buy a car i'd bring it to my guy unreal yeah now That was a nice car. $20,000 so you don't look like a fucking rich kid. She was like yeah this kid played you yeah

1:06:57 That's a fucking great car. flying through the hills. It's nice to pull out of the store and just be sober. I didn't have my glasses on. And I always knew that I had to get to the comedy store. You're a paid regular now. I was like holy shit I got bumped by Louis. I said, what? I did a thing, and I was like, fuck yeah, thank you, Tony. And Paul Mooney did not like me when I first got there.

1:09:51 And he was in the back of the room. That's cool. Well, it wasn't Spirit. and we were at Caroline's this is a gift and he goes you're sitting goes, if Eddie Murphy's coming to watch him, And you'd hear Eddie Murphy, ha-ha, ha-ha, whatever his laugh is. Taiwanese. I'll do an impression of him. Because he called and I was like, what are you doing? I was drunk. I'm high that show. I was a good bit. I should do that That was a good story because he called and I was like he's like what you doing. I was drunk I'm high I'm running through motorcycle through rice paddies in Vietnam

1:12:32 And then my wife calls. You have high blood pressure. You're in another country. Whereas a friend is like That's funny Still BurtBurtBurt. you want a drink Eddie? And he's like He is telling bits. He is It's one of the funniest stories. Yeah, yeah. Smell. We did. We're still drinking. Eddie's very cool. Jeffrey's on this week. So many great episodes, but I'll tell you the one I'm looking forward to.

1:15:52 And I go, well, and Whitney, you know, the hardest I've... I just let him go. And we're in the car. I said, you've met him. She's like, I go, hey, Tim, give Isla some life advice. I haven't. my shoulder, crying, fucking We took Georgia with. It's L.A. It's so funny. And they're crying laughing. And this is how much they like him. Your daughter's drunk.

1:19:20 Well, you know why? about people getting mad That was the part This is exactly what he was doing. It was fucking great. of fucking some of the greatest people go after each other on Kill Tony, off the cuff. Tony's the best host That's why I'm so pumped to open up my club. definitely coming out for the opening week brother that's a carry at the bar I'm doing, the only thing I'm doing is England.

1:22:16 I'm like, throw some drinks into like a planter or something. Let's fucking go. It would motivate you to go. That's why I miss the most was laughing at it but he goes i was actually being serious yeah my skin looks a lot better is like, who the fuck is this? Who are you? Just that, if I get into a habit you know? But again, Can I give you a tip? Can I give you a tip?

1:25:12 I look at my phone right before I go to sleep. And I could fall asleep on the dirt. My dreams are all violence. They're all violent. out of the back of the trunk, It's like a tiny little cut like it like it didn't bother me at all Knocked unconscious. Yeah, I'm like real right in front. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I get like from three feet away And then you start going, oh, this is normal.

1:27:43 What the fuck is wrong? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you to the base. I don't think about people raping my family. Yeah, you do. if I had to save a loved one's life I'm killing you. I agree. Bundy was like, I'm going to kill you first. Deep, deep. He's phenomenal. Yeah. Yeah, and is fucking, Evan Peters, I think, plays him. He's phenomenal. Hawkeye. One of my first, my first commercial. He was doing one and he was like broke and he was

1:29:42 Oh, shit. Compared to the other ones? That's right. I got to say. All he has is a bow and arrow. you know the blueprint of the film you know so i like more surprise because like you know you see I love them. The Dark Knight stuff was He's got none. He's at the peak of what Just weed? They went crazy. And then you took the shirt off What do you mean?

1:33:00 It's a different pacing. It's a different. It's a little bit of a different muscle and I was like no You got to do the bits. And then he was afterwards like, that was really good advice. No, exactly. And you're on top of them. Immediately are like I'm going right with that to what I write back to the real shit like this that's very true that happened to me in the OR the other night OR can be OR can be a

1:35:16 Oh, yeah. You're like, fuck that. Oh, yeah. It was hilarious because it was like, you know, just a young guy who was just a little too eager and this guy's like well the guy was I love them all Dude. And a watch. Fuck you! Like who has more suits than you? That just fucking came over I do not own one suit You just left him out. My birthday suit. That is a cool suit. That's a pretty good suit. Thank you. My birthday suit. We had, when we did the MGM, when Brian Simpson, Tony, Hans Kim, and I did the MGM, we all

1:38:01 When they tailor. I don't own one suit. Look at Jamie with a sunglasses on. There you go. Remember when you guys first did the weight loss challenge? Oh, yeah. I'm on the road so much. a certified and he's fucking jacked so he's like it's great because you're you're around somebody I'm bringing my trainer on the road with me in October. I was like, Jesus Christ, Tom.

1:39:52 That's his trainer. You're so much smaller. Lighter, yeah. Put your hand out there. And there is weight where your wrist will eventually and you lost that basketball game before you were already losing or that's how you get hurt and i was like that was the first time i was like oh that's what happened Of course. A weak goal? weight is getting higher but your body fat's getting lower yeah so i don't know what the like the final number will be i think it's definitely i'm i'm i have a build that

1:43:32 Would you say it's over? I told that to, who did I tell that to? Like when you talk to like men, it's different than, you're a man, but like us. it's hard to bullshit with Eddie about like There were days you were 270. That's the day I stepped on the scale thinking I was really 250. I was feeling a roll right here. And just randomly, I saw like a delt and a bicep and then

1:45:20 I think you would be a fucking freak athlete His golf swing is incredible. Yeah. And I always know I'm pretty good at archery. And he goes, no, we're like maybe 50 feet from the target. You like being good at something. I just get obsessed with things until I just want to get perfected at it. I'd be curious if you looked at my form and my archery and that trick shot.

1:47:22 You couldn't do it the way you do it, Bert. but I don't know how to aim. It's very zen because in that moment, you're not thinking about anything else other than And even if you never hunt or never do a competition or something, there's something about shooting a target over and over again. You finally see an elk, and then you've got to apply all the shit you do in your range.

1:49:32 It's obsessive you get obsessed by it, and I think there's something about obsession Dude, I'm helping Big J do his special now, and that's all I think about is just making always the guy who fucks around. murdered and just didn't move. On their tour, on some music festival kind of tour he did shows. Just host them because he's so good at it. just material.

1:51:50 he does, like a pre-planned thing at it. He just stays in the pocket guy is. We did South Africa And he gets up there, and he's like, you look like an orangutan, you know orange and he's like, hmm, okay. And he gets up there and he's like, I don't know him. And he does so much crowd work. is that it look at him he is so quick he is so so good funny yeah he might be the

1:53:54 You know what? Sam Talent. doing a little tour of it Cool, super smart. but he had different comics I'm a bad out loud reader. My audio book, I was sold first chapter. Fumbling over. I couldn't read out loud at all. I'm a bad out loud reader. I do not. Pure encapsulation, macular support. It's like my my my vision got pretty shitty for but are you got the fucking the surgery?

1:55:53 Yeah. Did it go away? No no he can't drive at night damn like he drives at night, and he's like can't see anything So that's what he sees. everything around that light is obscured by like a haze. That's fucked. I had to put it out. everybody. It's one of the benefits of Sober October is I wake up going, hey, man, I'm not dying 70s. It was such a brutal thing, that thing that you had to do.

1:58:41 I said three drinks too. I can't have one. I had like a Diet Coke and it was nice. I'm chasing drinks. But you can do that once in a while. You see just something beautiful. you'll be like, And then, At all? And he'll go like weeks. I definitely, I went a long stretch at the beginning of the pandemic without drinking. bathroom. We still have a jug of his piss.

2:01:23 This is a high security place. The bathroom's like another 20 feet. Yeah, this guy. Fun times. Yeah, we're going to do it. I'd be happy. November 1st? I'm here November 1st. Ari, what are you doing November 1st? I feel- sometimes where Well, can I tell you why I did that? Benzos, Xanax. Do you know what he was consuming? You take that one milligram, and it's overwhelming, oh wow. You take that one milligram and it's overwhelming

2:04:40 just being eliminated. But doesn't it but you would get a buzz of sorts, like you feel good. from two years ago. I never take it. And you and I talked about this. Because all, you know, stress, anxiety anxiety everybody has different degrees of it in it. I got it drained like So if it's just me trying to get in shape, it's like why not quit? During the fucking Sober October

2:07:55 not a challenge not a not a like a contest i signed up from a gym to get you know to build It's one of the best fitness tools. Why don't you just mow your own lawn? Yeah. In my movie, I think I had my fingers, or I was doing this. I think I'm tough. And when you try hard, you like, and you grunt, you use all these muscles and you fuck up your thing.

2:10:15 try to hit hard so they grunt and they stretch everything out but that's the wrong way to do really learn Jiu Jitsu is to drill. We'd go get high and he would like go over techniques with me. A little bit. Oh, yeah. I haven't had any buzz at all. But this is all. I'll be like, Sidesplitters won me over. It was funny watching Burt remember what it's like to be in a club.

2:12:33 He's just in the kitchen, like, moving past, like, waiters. The tunnels. You're trapped. when Chappelle, remember when Chappelle got guns? But just someone to go, he doesn't look that bad. It's hard. It's just starting to collapse. You have the craziest, most delusional perspective. Secret time. Right. This is like when you go, I have legit the best shoulders.

2:15:38 and you know they're not true. But more importantly... If I take my shirt off and just do like this... Because I thought I could pull it out. and you said, have you ever done a split? You've never done it. I like my favorite part more pushups than you. and they're like, But they're not that bad. He crushes the studio and then walks out. You're an idiot with with burt it's like it's because

2:18:36 Every now and then you're like, oh shit, farts are gay. When we were doing the Sober October Fitness Challenge, Jesus Christ. And they're like, can you swing? What does that mean, pace? I just think you just don't do anything about it. So like a kid who played a lot of baseball thinks of like somebody good at baseball so like in if you played the delusional part works because you don't have any you really believe it. That's the thing he does I do because he's a real dreamer, too

2:21:31 And I think I am that way with like physical achievements. And I was like, I'm actually really good. interview with mike binder and i binder texted it to me and david letterman goes i mean he rips his I can't fuck at all I came so fast fast I'm fucking quick. I remember I fucked one chick I fucked one chick I told Tony was the story said never tell anyone

2:24:31 That's not cool. She's like, you're not cool. Just like dangling beer all over myself and my dick went up in the stomach Bossed in a comedy club. You gave him a hundred bucks, some random bouncer guy. Security guy. through. And everyone's like, hey, what the fuck? Why do you? You gave him $100, some random like bouncer guy. And you're just like, come on.

2:26:44 Oh, it's 20 bucks $100, game changer. That person will get you through security, for sure. They know the people at TSA. about the lady that got randomly selected at TSA? do your job, but every now and then And he's like, go ahead. I got in trouble for talking about it on this podcast. It's invitation only. Airlines. I got it. Like for super loyal It's the biggest podcast in the world. And they

2:28:55 that you're not allowed to talk about? That's the shit Do you see the picture? Caution, T. It's over October. Zero sugar. It's triglycerides and peptides. I was panicked. But you drive in. What? I'm defined by treats. successful, the number one thing I need is treats. I need something to... But Private Suite is... You seem like a guy that needs a fanny pack.

2:32:08 I love fanny packs. Do you want one like this? There's a place called Private Suite. I flew LAX to Burbank. I'll never leave you. fucking stadiums. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh my god, that's amazing. Your mom's... play a venue You haven't done Red Rocks? I've been hiking there. Oh. That's same. I know. Oh. get out immediately, or you gotta wait who gets me excited like if you're a fan of like wilco i'm a fan of wilco i saw wilco at fucking

2:36:00 From the audience perspective. Play the walkout song. And by the way, miles an hour standing up in a fucking car. that, Well, He's touring until his children are in high school. Later, later. I'd do it. Fuck that. I haven't had a triggering event yet. You did? He's so fucking smart. It's because we violated treaties. It's like they've openly tried to

2:39:26 How long ago? It's probably smart. The best... There's so many. And the way they use like I learned from the master. This is money, right? What's the switch, though? Hey kid, you'll go far. We did that on our... Yeah. I'm going to buy a can of paint and a paper bag. You're going to fly. on stage with torture masks on. He's just talking about agents

2:43:55 Oh, by the way, Which one's pink? We're the industry now. to be i remember when i started this business no one had friends right no one was friends with you benefit in all being together yeah and that we realized that there's so much more fun and Like, it's just supportive. I like that my best is like, you show me so many comics That's a good way to put it.

2:46:56 I apologize, Tim, if I'm overstepping my boundaries. And now, like, Tim's a big get for me. Schultz. I just wrote him. Yeah. And he's like, dude, everyone here is so fucking supportive and friendly. There's not that many of us. status you've gotten to like a new young comic who like watched you before they even did comedy For me, it was Marc Maron.

2:50:15 Wow. It made me feel so good. I say, you got the hardest part already. like a, it's like they can't grab it. Like almost they touch it and it runs away from them. They that fucking joke. It's because he's a fucking monster. Just for pacing, I'm not sure that's the best. that I'm like, I guess there's some umami inside this joke that I can't find. I go, I don't know, dude,

2:52:25 Oh, and it's so tight. Because everybody's excited about Brian. Crackers oh, yeah, and it's a probably at the time for you a twelve to fifteen hundred dollar gig That was actually getting back from those first six months all my friends like dude you made a jump And you were the one I worked with in Phoenix. Yeah, but I still was. Paul, He goes, Do you have a pen?

2:54:46 he was Richard Pryor's writer and I know he had been in New York for a while but it made you sad. What I'd fucking birth conquer or whatever and I was in a hotel room in San Antonio of all the people that did that. Patrice did it for me on Twitter one time. What? But it's great to see Bert Kreischer succeeding. He's been an OG or whatever in the business.

2:56:13 He was the fucking, I mean, he was like. and it was tough to listen to really oh yeah he had? Oh, yeah. He had the Dr. Phillips podcast. I'm just being fair. on this podcast oh he would have been amazing He was so brilliant, but I love this. And he's like, what, do you want to be an actor or something? I had him in here the other day. He's consistently every night.

2:58:58 did sit stuff that weekend i still haven't seen people do which is like we were doing like six 20 minutes in, He would do, tag, tag, tag, right? He does it. of the drinking in between, I'll go home and watch TV. crazy and fucking paranoid yeah and then i run up in front of the computer and start writing it's You have to. If I just go, I can write it off and go.

3:01:58 Emily will shame me. There's no substitute for sets. the 10th show. You just got I can do shit with this set right now going, Well, And he said he just developed 20 minutes. Just want to do well. There's a moment when you start a bit That's fucking for real. And you're like, do I have to eat it? and just bring out a notebook. show in Columbus. You've never seen Chappelle live?

3:05:02 and he got there four minutes before This is the audience not knowing that he's going to be there, Carry on. It's incredible. He crushed. he rents out a place. Every words, whatever. He used to have like two minutes of words whatever he puts on And he makes that announcement he gets on the mic there's like DJ there and then you know Like, stop taking pictures.

3:08:17 he puts on a show. but I know the tickets who's the guy him for 33,000 people. What's the difference? But that's just, that's where his head is. It's like they're events, man. I have to go to the airport. What did you want to say? No, but here's the deal. I don't want you to think your month's over. I would go tonight, too, if I weren't flying out.

3:10:58 I already addressed it. Well, AA was founded by a guy who did acid. Yeah. Why? What? I just don't. It's not where I want to be. What do you mean not in my wheelhouse. I'm probably not. Never? No, yeah. We're like, what the fuck? Shut up. That's what I did. Are you lying right now? I swear to God. Where'd you do ayahuasca. Wait, what? Yeah, I did it. What the fuck are you talking about? That's what I did.

3:11:52 This is a bit. Wow. How do you bring this up at the end of a goddamn podcast? is a snake eat me. You feel clean? and I thought I saw a fox No just me I think we should You should put the Kool-Aid aside for a night It's amazing like a group even. Let's fucking go. Let's fucking not. I'm in Oklahoma City. Okay, you don't have to, Bert. I'll call me to your room on the phone.

3:13:33 he's throwing this like waxy stuff into the fire I don't know, but I don't know what spirit. Gorilla. there's no way you could smell it I could smell fear. I could smell fear. You can't drink. Still working in your system. No doubt. He's got things to do. Eat an edible.