Joe Rogan Experience #188 — Amy Schumer Transcript

Transcript

0:00 That's a very mild version of the song there. Because you find her cute. Whoa, I'm excited. But not with you. I think you're making Brian the best Brian he can possibly be. That's one of the things that... She never told a joke or she never, you know, made one point. I'm like, let me just sweep the crazy under the rug for a couple months. You should be the you who you're pretending to be when you're trying to get laid.

2:17 You can like decide and work on it. Yeah. All that is part of it. You know that she's hilarious This is the best Brian's totally shaking his head. the evidence is right there. Let's go out near my house occasional deer, if they catch a deer, they'll basically fuck up anything. colorado they had a stuffed one like this they had this crazy wildlife 150 200 pounds but it's what

4:32 Of the paws This is essentially what it is jesus fucking christ yeah you would have to brick that thing are you scared like to be outside by Just to put my mark In my underwear Let's start now I did always used to bring a gun Those posters that say like, you gotta do something. That's a good move. It's like, you can save us. Mountain lion's eating your asshole.

6:50 he's just holding it like in his right hand and then like the cat starts coming up to him he's like his only chance to survive. was to distract him with toilet paper. them is because of the size difference you know i'm way bigger than them if she wanted to fuck around if she wanted to fuck around try You just can't have it. You don't need to know. Okay.

8:46 and hope it creates a diversion. Oh my God. Yeah, you got some questionable life choices when you got a ponytail anyway. That is a big killer. A big wild killer. Jesus Christ! It doesn't even need this creepy music, like it's just intense. Look at the size of its arms. Just look at that thing. There's a second lion in the back. Yeah, this is where it gets fucking crazy right here.

10:32 Look at that thing! My god! oh my god theory Is it the big motion of it? It just spazzes out like what the fuck's on this. There's got to be an HD version of that out there. I don't know if that's what it is. We should really say rest in peace if he is dead because he probably is. Yeah, the brown bears are the big ones. It was suicide by bear. He just stayed late suicided himself. He wanted to do that. It was suicide by bear.

13:16 He caught the meeting babies. That was brutal. No, they didn't play any of the audio of the attack. It's a completely different deal than a cat. The first thing they're going to do is grab ahold of your neck and they're going to kill Yes, she was a real woman. It leads to be so fucking crazy. The wildlife. If I was just gay, it would be so easy. It was just it was the most obvious I'm gay like cry for help.

15:57 Me too. How dare you? Oh, God. Oh. They just start twitching and coming all over themselves. Oh, of course. Like, people get to see the real Bert Kreischer. Because you don't have to see his body? People would say you're really funny. this conversation when you see like a really funny chick. Yes, and then your subject matter is obviously gonna be more

18:54 So when you see a bad motherfucker come along, like yourself, You're being mean to each other. It was really funny. I think I'm just like in the white girl bubble enough still to be like, But he's a scary guy. Yeah. He grabbed my dick the whole night to be able to do you just thought well I I didn't know the writers who had been working with him but he would quote you all sorts of crazy things.

22:05 There's a certain amount, you know. Because it was like, he's for sure brain damaged. and you poked them oh really is on it DVDs? Is that what it is? Yeah, they want you to the more people would watch those roasts. Fucking silly assholes. So. Are you sure? Yeah. Crazy assholes. All right, here is a clip of it. So... That was Sam Tripoli's voice. With us

24:14 There you are Oh wow that's cool Hey, Mike, here's something you'll never hear. It's like Patrice's grandmother's asshole after a gospel brunch. No, no, he was proud of me. my favorite comics i was like shit i can't phone in even a second he'll be like he'll call bullshit Right away. No. Hey. But now staying in a nice hotel, the road is a whole different experience.

27:31 Those are dark days. No. The next one is Phoenix. He wouldn't answer his pager. No, I was trying to sleep. They never paired two girls together. Were they allowed? It was loud. i felt like it was So I think it would be more like. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she can like really talk about that shit now. I'm getting psyched. Right. was really annoying. Like it was like so annoying

31:46 No, I was the headliner. Yeah, oh, I would see that. I'm just like, you know, you're just, like, trying to feel good and be positive and whatever yeah and I don't want that's for sure treated like so they'll like come in the green room like this past Like, I would like to be treated like a comic. them you just don't want them trying to dominate you you don't want them just getting weird with

34:28 I don't remember what town was it. But it was one of those things where it was in each town But it's like, you know. to get to know you. As well right You reveal what you want to reveal Weird people that offers up Are you going to move out here? You know what? I want to hear. And I want you to tell me. It's so sad. Yeah. Oh, my God. a couple months yeah yeah i like coming out here for a couple months like if i've

38:49 So much about New York Brian listen to my amy schumer it's fucking on point oh my god it's like hearing myself um i uh The bitter guy That seems like Yeah. You know, it's all in the beginning. In the beginning. When he first met you, if you were like, I just have a fucking problem with people like New York. You know? It's all in the beginning. Whatever.

40:29 You know, because I feel like people in LA, a lot of them are playing at an identity. The vast majority of people that you encounter, the higher percentage of them are more fucked It's just like, you know, when I say about cops, like most cops are cool as fuck. But don't you think the percentage for LA is more? But they came here initially to become famous.

42:18 are the most famous person i feel like you can ride around the subway and people generally leave the one thing that i definitely got when i first came here i was gonna totally move back to new Shut up. Fucked its eye sockets fucked its ears it just really just it was like when the the brilliant vision that they had yeah where it's like you could just program it into a computer

44:24 do you mind? That was like, yes like yes done moving on to And my thing was just dealing with actors. But it might be like 30 percent of them that you just fucking can't communicate with. I walk in the room they like are looking at me like is she here to park cars and they're all like perfectly flawless they dress cool and i get to be like non-threatening girl

46:17 Yeah, they look famous. is what you look like. You got 10 years. Yeah. I'll thaw them out. So you've got to suck them out early and freeze them. to be used later as Yeah. egyptian hieroglyph thing it's like for whatever it is it's the shape of the woman's body even I saw a chick at the gym the other day. you know, I was just, I couldn't stop looking. I was just in a sock i was just i could i couldn't stop

49:13 And so they're like, you know, their tits are all hanging out, fucked up, scars and shit. I wouldn't want anything fake on anybody. Yeah. It's a trick. you asshole. just that, It's like a symbol. By the way, first of all, there's no way I could know if it's in everybody's mind. that represents a man's body to a woman. message board i'm psyched but she has a body She's hot as fuck

51:38 It's all Kate Upton got meat i don't like skinny girls i mean i like them i'm we can be friends but i'm saying you That's flat asses. No. Right What's wrong But you know when she's posing for photos. I think your ass is your ass. stalking something at the store was that Random woman? No. No, you said stalking. I no you said stalking i thought you But if you know what I'm saying, you think you know the language, but you use the word incorrectly.

54:39 Who's on first? I don't know if I could date her Oh yeah, my ass is horrible. I'm looking at the mirror Move here and do our podcast Okay I'm gonna show up tomorrow Do you think that they'll let me do guest spots at the Ice House? call them holes. But you are different. You're welcome. You know, she can hang with the guys. Oh, fam. Alright You don't wanna be in the snow

57:05 And you can have your own podcast show. I'd love to. You can't say, maybe my weed is supporting Mexican gangs. You're welcome. All right, so your stepmom's house is going to be you and Natasha Leggero. You love him more, though? I bet he could help you. It was really funny. They're going to be friends body is a strange fucking thing you know when you when you had moments with someone and then all

59:19 But the chemicals in your body are like, put something in your body. Hey, it was fun, right? always get together and fucking. It's this weird thing that happens when you break up and then you make up. came out of nowhere because that's just how they rock it like every relay every relationship they get in it's like starts off since then i don't i refuse to participate in. No. I haven't had a relationship like that since I was in my

1:01:19 argument or debate. It brings out Only once. want to date someone as fucked up as you, really? doing your not persona but whatever like the shit you do on stage and then but then like seeing I know a professional I asked my therapist to hook you up kidding i don't want no i'm kidding coconut lotion i don't think i think it's his elbows i think it's

1:03:57 It's like high school. You're at the same shows with them through a different perspective. are outside of your line of show business or even any line of work i would think if you're And I was just like We couldn't help but fuck He just has a phone. Damn. A double album. I always say that. genius and Norton security guy Kenny you know yeah sure used to be Dice's right guy and the

1:07:30 There was a guy named Mike Donovan who was like a Boston legend. You must get that. that connection with rejection so it's not that the crowd is terrible it's just in the beginning enough and then that develop this sort of hate for their audience, and then their own material. That stayed with that experience. that sort of defense mechanism. Like it's their,

1:10:02 you know? I'm not like, please laugh or please like me. when you're an intelligent person like, music. you can talk about. Yeah. like on stage trying to belittle It's, so I'm paying attention to the experience that the audience is having. just tap dance to the next one and be like maybe this will and that just you know that i think just the bombing moments

1:12:41 I think that's not i think you're like i'm not your boyfriend or like i'm not trying to fuck you like you i'm not who knows what the fuck they're doing in vegas but there's a girl last time we're there she stood up and you know, She thought she could just The Devil Went Down to Detroit? that's not why I'm here. like I talk, or maybe the people one thing of behavior

1:15:19 is i go on stage i look like very amish uh like i look not threatening and i i think people react even But so they think it's like, you know, I think. Really? and chicks, chicks just as much as guys or do they want to have sex with you? and if it's like a couple, they'll be like, don't hug Amy, I want it. You know, and they're like, the girls want to hang out but they're all like and if it's like a couple

1:17:11 I'm sure everybody feels like they get it and he wrote on facebook he was like that cunt she wouldn't let me and i wrote back to him and i was like like that's the only Pretending to grab your tits. People have just picked me up for a picture. I go, why would you want to carry me? If you ever get to the point where you're actually carrying me, we're going to have to, we're fighting.

1:19:00 It's never enough. I'm all That you've seen on television This woman at the punchline She thought I was going to be like, In this day and age, I always wonder about what kind of weird prescription shit are they on and drinking at the same time. You'll fuck anybody. No, but I mean, but you know, it's just like. I don't think so. Like here, you can see him now.

1:21:16 That is a problem. So I could see how the club would be like, Nope. officers. We'll have a signal. What the hell am I doing in New York? Yeah. Moving on up. Yeah. out you could be the hole on our show i'd love to be your we could introduce you ryan you could There's a fake butthole on that table, by the way. Thanks for telling me it's a fake asshole.

1:24:10 Brian. Silly. let her know my fingers saying what's up my her know I'm here. Let her know my finger's saying what's up. Knock, knock, girl. Everybody's different. i think so yeah you don't want a guy who's like super today that's how i feel today when you get girl. This is not an actual tool. That's a good as Fleshlight. No, it's not. You know what I mean? It's for the most part. For most people, I would imagine.

1:26:51 some artificial shit the men's sexual revolution You thought maybe I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Do you think that's what it is? religious and they they want to like they want to either challenge gay marriage or control gay a community association to that belong to that's religious and follows Yeah. I just think I'm, I don't want to blame the pot, but I just like don't even really remember what we're talking about.

1:29:27 you're tossing a ball you I was like damn Come on. That's not a funny thing to talk about. raped, it's hilarious. That's great. Especially assholes. You know what? They make you suck their dick. But what if you Is that a thing? Meeting adjourned. Your family watches? the high level guys take it to the next level exactly from Disneyland, and then a person's real head attached to it still. Well, not only that, the really

1:32:19 That's when you're taking it deep. No, I will call her. Today on the way here. She sounds like a real bitch. tell that story no i think we've told it a million times but pretty much are you talking about the Don't worry about it. or a stripper or I don't know who it was or just an older lady she was a patron oh she was a patron No, no, no, no, no. Everyone that was around me looked like they saw a ghost.

1:35:04 He looked over, and Brian was happy as a pig in shit. Best moment of his life. The older one that was the cougar chick. Who did you like, Sophia? She kisses his neck. it was like a fucking appendage It's Tasmanianian the devil's shooting I knew that it was too good and it was going to get out. I would love to have seen it In cold sweats The scene in The Shining

1:37:50 That's sad that you did leave. Little buddy, you know I love you. No, I want to see it Yeah that's Oh Eww I don't know. Do you go to plays and stuff like that? Really? It's so shocking. The Least Man Effort and do 80 things. How can you do this? But then once you got it down, once you have your set down, it's super easy. Bring it. This is the scene in the movie

1:40:17 New York can suck it Yeah. But really, I'm like, OK, can I have some money? I'm just not. There's an area that was like near the shipyards and shit. Dude. Norton's dreams. That's their Amsterdam on the wire. New Orleans? The Wire is real. Our apartment. Do you remember going there, bro? Oh, you just remembered that. I've been robbed. the Comedy Factory.

1:43:13 if it's not in the Yeah, that was a for sure okay that's where our boy john rollo is shout out to john rollo listens to the podcast I love the album cover. What is it? And he was staring at us People were horrified by us. Did you have that? oh that Ally Sheedy I remember her shaking her hair Oh. and then went back and watched the other 20 minutes another time.

1:46:38 John Hughes shit. Yeah. on him and it was right well that's yeah that is and the girl molly ringwald was like yeah like i What, yeah, what did you like? You didn't go on that trip? because friends talked me into it I probably told it on the podcast. hot it was really ridiculous yeah because she's lying on her stomach in the parking lot and she's like oh you mean life keeps fucking the ass after

1:49:43 being a corpse. Yeah. with the freshest male corpses. And then he starts We have her here. When I was like 18, 19 years old, I worked at the Boston Athletic Club. Yeah, legendary hockey player like one of the greatest hockey players of all time and the poor guy could barely walk Yeah. a choice like there's enough research and with the internet and stuff you know now like you are

1:52:14 get to be Baryshnikov how many dudes are like second you know that's just a pain thing that You're still injured. Yeah, I know. It's in your hip? No, the x-rays looked totally fine, but he was like, do you want a shot of cortisone? Guys, I'm not getting a hip replacement. and when you're walking you have this little fucking hitch to your stroke that you'll never

1:54:30 It's better than her old jaw. This is not a safe environment. Thank you. Thank you. everything will change. And I'm on board. See, it panned out, Rogue. And we're also brought to you by Onnit.com. We love you, dirty bitches. That's it.