Joe Rogan Experience #1886 — Robert Kelly Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience Try them on. Let me see what they look like. Those look fucking tough. Yeah, I can't fucking see my phone without these. because around 45 is when your eyes start going. Yeah, out of nowhere. Stopped it in its tracks. Well, the thing that sucks too is that They look like they're from the East Village. it's not him I can't read it

2:34 He'll take this fancy glass frame and he'll be like, let's put this tint on it. Here's your Bausch and Lams or whatever. to wear these glasses. No, not Anthony Shit. Where's my phone? I can't. Go grab your phone. Hang has a whole Instagram I can't no not Anthony shit the ones you have of rose Coolest guy ever. know. Maybe they have them behind the case.

5:06 Those are my, the ones, he made those and put them up on his site. Craftsmanship. I love when people make shit. Drew Teague. He's a bad motherfucker. And he made us this table. We had another one like this at the old studio, but it was a little bit too big. It was enormous. And so we had him construct Europe was making these amazing wood furniture, like Mad Men type of furniture.

7:27 And now it's very important in my house you're doing all this shit and now you're gonna sit here and just talk no ipads no homework no and then someone's gonna buy this table there's something about an old thing that's like baked in memories and thoughts. You know, and he's got to be like 60 now. When you get a really nice watch, the engineering of it.

9:28 of watches what is Mayer's Watches of Switzerland It's $400, but it's gorgeous. right. And also like if you run the GPS, it's less. But I mean, it has that option. You could Me too. Dude. Every now and then. I love Bushcraft. Never? What does that mean? yeah 100% like a bushcraft and they'll just go out in the woods. That's the Bushcraft Party Boys.

12:46 That's the Catskills I find the spot you get to the top and there's an And that's another two hours down to this lake you gotta you know if you're gonna take a shit it, it's going to be 150 feet from the trail and They're going to stay away. So if somebody gets hurt, it's going to be a problem. we had uh we had food we we had cigars we had the fire how many days you guys stay up there we did

15:33 I didn't understand the noise. something and they want to let everybody know that they killed something so they let all the But then in the 1800s and the 1900s, when people started shooting them and running them off, When they removed all the wolves, they killed all the wolves in the West. Yeah. Yeah. broken buck knife that he didn't know was broken and i had bear spray i took bear spray just in

18:16 Are you all right? Oh, that's awesome. No nothing. and you get patches on your sash like a Girl Scout. It's a great show. He lived with reindeer herders, just let it go and go how to just live. who's gonna be kicked off moose? Yeah. He was so I think the most is 80-something. And so he had to kill the wolverine. I ran into a badger when I was in Utah in the mountains hunting a couple weeks ago.

21:32 this little thing they're so ferocious what are they doing Well, humans with weapons are always at the top of the food chain. Oh, there it is. Hey, man. Anytime somebody sees an animal, we always talk to them like it's like a surfer. I'd never seen one in a while before. summertime for two months. Moose. There's a bobcat. Wow. There's There's bear. There's a bobcat.

24:40 That's crazy. and the noises this guy makes, That's a small bear too. He's lucky. That's a small bear, too. He's lucky he had the high ground after that. Poor dude. Is that what you're are so primal. Poor dude. You'd expect a caveman. Just noise. So I'd shoot that thing right in the fucking face. One hundred fucking face 100 you know you can only kick them so many times like if if you have a gun on

27:18 Yeah. I mean, that's a fact for me. And a polar bear, you just fucking say goodbye. Yeah. Polar bear, you're fucked. That was the bear that probably kept human beings from crossing the Bering Strait. It was like twice the size of a polar bear. You're done. They made one movie a long time ago with a crazy bear. Prophecy. The movie Alien? Yeah, look at the car.

30:28 Doesn't that suck that she's What's-Her-Face from Rocky? Pauly. That's his sister? Remember, he was all handsome. Prophecy. In the nuclear lake. He's cuddling that little baby. She's so pretty. What a stupid movie. Like maybe someone brings one of those things back to life. I'm on the dodo bird. It's over let it go don't bring it back. I'm a dodo bird

32:52 bird-like creatures that had like 17-foot wingspans, and they were thinking that pterodactyl still existed. Mm-hmm. I stay at his house. When I stay at my friend, you know Mike Calta, right? I stay at his house. You're doing it on louisck.com? There it is. I want that look where 10 by 10 stage, went in there and they were like you can do whatever you want they gave us comp launch so

34:35 But we shot this special, man. is he yes and he directed my first special i don't know if it was him 2009 i know he does louis They're the best. They just, um, Put this over there. 30 minutes. we did two shows. you know, friend, Mike Calta. And he goes, I'm like, in your head. Please help her. it's not in the special And I mean, tables, chairs are flipped, lights are on.

37:57 as they drag her by louie and she's past him he goes we're good we're good man let's go like as soon as she was as soon as she I was fucked in my head. we're not, Like he's like Martin Luther King once said, they didn't want me. I wasn't fast enough. And she lived. I was like, I don't give a shit we got another show we're gonna know the show frost he's like dude it's all gone i'm like what

40:53 and do shows. It was one of the only places Laughter through a mask is just very strange. That was like peak pandemic. Oh, the special, dude? filmed it i think in march um yeah march um we went down there one night rocked it out and then baddest Elvis ever, you know? And he did it. Ever. Producing it. of losing it but he's he's just like he's creating his own netflix on his website uh the movies there

44:12 And it's a perfect answer to pour cement. let's cut it he has an eye for things he's just he's like a like he shouldn't be doing comedy he I'm like, dude, I just got out of rehab. I was in jail at 13. My life is about bullshit and, and, of her affection so you're like arching your back and you're putting your hand on your head but you That's the fucking comedy.

47:12 that were stuck in this, we were wild kids. I go, but my favorite comics are like Dice Clay. And he's like, well, you're going to work shit rooms. And someone tells you you have to play classical music. Well, I mean, I think there is certain things you could do. One of the streamers. YouTube it's got like Pull up his Instagram He goes He's a funny motherfucker.

49:40 He's like a classic Hollywood star from back in the day, too. So what exactly did Ye say? I hear some people saying Kanye did bring up some very strong points. decades. So my message to you, chipmunkunk cheeks is simple. Get better. Better friends, better therapists, better perspective on the world, and better meds. because there's no audience. That's great.

52:02 And it was fucking genius. That's the future because these fucking people So if they are funny, they've never done stand-up. future well it's funny too because like louis said to me i was like dude i got this whole thing on And you deliver the thing This is the future. I know what the fuck is going on, but that doesn't help us. They don't have anything going on with their life and their thing is to try to get some sort of a result

55:09 Right. I remember we were trying to come up a name for the special and i said uh he's like what do you Yeah, all rusty, covered with leaves and shit. just doing, we're just helping each other, which is would get on a sitcom like i remember there was like all this resentment from other people that I go, you're saying that because you wish it was you.

57:49 But it doesn't change the fact that it's successful. You're only damaging your own mind by thinking that way. Because you have the potential to have dreams come true. I have a house. like I have all this stuff is gravy That's making it. Yes. They have that. Yeah. Every day I wake up in the morning and I don't touch my phone. my friends, Right. and then all of a sudden i'm like this fucking guy and this and then i'm like but i'm at the

1:01:18 I mean, after this appearance, my special will sell millions of things, and I'll be rich. I'm waiting to become famous, to become a millionaire, to be happy. Is it like a prefab where they put Oh, wow. It's near Canada. that's fucking cool where the bed is is our living room that's max is my son's uh loft We met with these people. No, they drove it down.

1:03:52 And, but behind my land is 500 acres of forest. So if I do get a gig, it's got to be a big gig. He's canoeing. like, I love, he walked out in the woods one day, he woke up, he had all camo and he was out in the Everyone's freaking out. It was so weird. You know they had those prefab places? 75 yeah so when we got this i was like baby we don't need we don't need it we don't need all

1:06:51 And I had a pool table in my apartment. Like every, it's just home. Like it's very, most things like that, like big, giant, crazy things. It's like, ah! Yeah. you know, I remember five o'clock would come around and we just jump in the truck and go It's maybe a squirrel. we're good you know i have that flashlight you're like this every five seconds looking for eyes

1:10:25 I go, okay, I'm explaining everything. You got to dig a hole, shit in the hole. I got to figure it out because I can't shit in the woods. We didn't have to shit all night. I go, you're fine. I was like, you'll be fine. A vampire spear? He's like, dude, in case somebody comes, I'll fucking, like a vampire, I'll stick him to the heart. Good. You get scared, dude. Yeah, it it's scary you don't know what's going

1:13:20 if you know He can't he had my little solo tent a little my little You come the next day, and it's shit all over. Why? You know, where you can call somebody. and they'll spend a week out there hunting by themselves. You don't have to go back. I mean, I am going to get, I'm going to take a hunting course next year when we get up It's just like, who's the guy that i saw you and

1:16:37 It's normal for Steve. No tent, no nothing. Yeah. and going up the mountains. It's just everything about it is, so you're not checking your social media. You have to know about trees. And so we went and I shot that deer right there. And just go out there and get my own food. Cause Callan, if like he has a captive audience, he's one of the funniest motherfuckers alive. He really is.

1:20:06 And he's like pretending to jack off into this ravine. The ravine comer never... and I crawled was so good because it was so fresh and it was like, you know, we just put salt on it, that's a gland on their leg and if you puncture that gland and that the the scent gets on the I remember it turned so wild when that sun went down, it was all every, Wow.

1:23:04 People had to walk in these dark hallways 40 flights no elevators so people were like Yeah. Walk out through those tunnels with all those fucking rats, dude. They had to walk out through the subway. Walk out through those tunnels with all those fucking rats? They're actually subway escape routes. last for? One night. That's it? Oh, Jesus Christ. Holy fucking shit.

1:25:09 New York City was just like being in New Hampshire. what the fuck to do they all have suvs four-wheel drive they don't know how to use it well they have Like if you have a box of bullets, Like you have to have a scent, a wind catcher. and then it drifts So as you're walking in, you've got to plan. Plus people don't know that, you know, you think that if something goes down, you just

1:27:44 So you got to know how to smoke it or whatever you do to it to keep it. And even then, it's not going to last forever. I'm still kind of fucked. Because then the real problem is not animals and food the real problem problem the problem was other people that's of how quickly things can go badly And, you know, no Americans can even travel over to Russia.

1:30:01 He's fighting this weekend. became a fucking Russian citizen. They were fucking wearing our jeans and shit. Mm-hmm. During the fucking invasion, Louis was scheduled to do shows in Ukraine. He was going to do the show, period, even though they were invading Ukraine. I can imagine. one rocket through his bedroom window I took a shit on Saddam's gold toilet

1:32:40 Tom made it for misinformation. Love Tom. But it was so new. You see like people getting eaten by animals and shit bullet wounds and stuff and wild crazy shit No. I remember you had it. No. This had to be 97, maybe 2000. i mean it was nuts it was crazy like and then like, I remember I knew who people were, but they didn't know who they were. You have to stop.

1:37:06 and the swears. and I'm like, dude, remember that site, man, that fucking thing with the, I'm like dude remember that site man that fucking thing and he unplugs the box. That's kind of nefarious. What happens when you call the number? What a crazy way It would have been hilarious Yeah, I had a website. I have this guy, Kurt Iverson. Yeah. Yeah, I have.

1:40:49 Yeah. sit wherever you want i bet you could probably sit in the crowd or you could probably be watching Really? We're getting drinks, throwing stuff. And we waved. Like it's a real person Wow Just like you're in a movie theater Just like you're in in a theater. Are you talking to each other? Yeah, you can talk. No, they're not good yet because we're used to playing Call of Duty and all that stuff.

1:43:55 I'm going to stroke on- Oh, that looks stupid. So they are getting close to me your hand comes up in front of your face and it's your hand it turns are you holding anything he said they have it developed to the point in testing right now where you where you were in a small circular treadmill It's not, but I don't believe that anyone's got it to the point where it's like good.

1:46:32 Yeah. So it's like this circular thing. Fucking kids lost shit loads of weight and got in great shape because they got addicted to that game. He's actually running. And so if you're doing this and the faster you run, the faster you actually move in the game, that's fucking amazing. heavy once they make it smaller where it's less heavy you'll be able to go to the gym and work out

1:48:39 I'm at the bar. And then all of a sudden you look down and you're, I started. So if there's a porn star you like, like I'm friends with Bailey J. He goes, the next stage in porn is virtual, And have sex with whatever porn style you want We're there. We're pretty close. We're like at the door. We're reaching for the doorknob to the of AI porn yet? Because I imagine

1:51:52 Because it's not an actual human that got raised by shitty parents. porn they always have this type of stuff it fucking aggravates me because it's so loud Yeah, so you'll be in your hotel room trying to get some But they have that virtual porn. You know, go in the woods. if we put a virtual camera i think it's the setup is weird you have to put it in a front row seat

1:54:23 Come see it. That's amazing. That's Again, like the UFC thing that they're doing. Because UFC Fight Pass has a bunch of farm sort of leagues Oh, they did it already. It's just a slow burn. No, there's... What is that? Yeah, he's got it. and it's a very intensive computer process right now to get that done. it's splitting two and making one file. it's fast

1:57:36 the radio a voice The book? And yeah, so it was the H.G. Wells classic, The War of the Worlds. Yeah. Dude, I had this guy on the other day, Ryan Graves. They would fly in formation. I believe there's other life. We don't know if it's from another country. Go the fuck home. I'm not going to be that guy. Yeah. I remember that movie, all of a sudden people started seeing things in the sky.

2:02:11 They didn't even have cell phones. He has a flip phone. No chance. 100%. You think he's an alien? I liken our friendship to the intellectual equivalent of a boy and his dog. No one's been able to do that before. This motherfucker's doing that while he's doing three other Massachusetts that you'd be hanging out with a guy like that? Imagine. And it felt wrong to me. I wasn't

2:05:19 And, you know, we were all open micers. I was like, oh, my God, he's right. And I remember thinking, oh, man, he's right. You got to be all in. Comedy Hut. and evening at the there was just garbage to me so i finally dick doherty you were coming to town really best advice ever got you know well i think i would revise that i would say people can give

2:07:48 52. So we were just kind of figuring it out. And I did great. those days were fun no responsibility no money no money no money wasn't about money no doesn't Yeah. Yeah. and he rolled in at the end. time i met him he's living in maine i was like who's this kid some local kid wants to do a guest Yeah. we all were tricked into thinking that the only way to be a professional comic was to get on television.

2:11:15 I would always get fucked up going to LA too. And that's not what comedy, Yeah. He wore a suit for like 2018, I occasionally do suits. but then we were doing the MGM. You coming tonight? We're going to headline the MGM Grand Arena. I brought like a big old bluetooth My fourth fat dude i was 350 pounds i believe you said it best i saw the one with you and Louie and Joe.

2:14:27 And you came out of the back. You looked you looked at me you go what happened to you i was like i was like hey joe how you doing no it's been it's it's been an crawl into the basement. sixth grade olympics and it was just horseshit thing but i remember we had to do the 440 all And I remember we running and I fucking won. After that, Jesus. You were on probation? I was on probation at

2:17:07 The first, I remember that we went. jail cells downstairs the regular prisoners and the juvie stay downstairs so I had my own jail cell I'm so sorry. And you go into this room and they had these purple onions on top, So like Kelly, I went out. So you had to go through the gym, go upstairs and they take you into this room. I was scared shit the highway with 93 was right there so it's just cars like as close as me and you were just whipping by on the

2:20:53 Real jail. But if she didn't do that, I wouldn't have got sober. I got sober at 15. you know what i mean yeah i didn't want to be that anymore that was terrifying to me so if i had to do drugs or i had a drink i would do whatever the soon as i got to detention i'd lean over to the toughest looking kid i'd be like you want to smoke It was terrible because, you know, I mean, I drank a half a bottle of scotch.

2:23:55 me in a room and that was the first time i literally asked for help i was just like help me Because you could smoke on planes. And then I met, You could leave. We had school. to a year all boys. And I was like, what do I do? He's's like knowing you you're all boys if you go with his So he started this house called The Road Back. psoriasis, he had a misty cigarette,

2:27:18 There's the door, you fucking pussy. Okay. and then he goes where's kelly i'm like right here and he goes meet me upstairs and i went upstairs the sweetest human being i've ever met these kids would just take off in the van. You know what I mean? We had no money. asking people right away, can you give me a ride? No. Can you give me a ride no give me right now all of a sudden this dude mark caesar long-haired dude sleeves chains rock and roll dude walks in i remember him from coming to do

2:30:36 And he became my friend, you know? mean yeah yeah it was i mean it saved my life that place and the nfi shelter care giving me It's called the International Conference of Young People in AA, where thousands of people, young people in AA would converge on one town. all the way down to one day. And I remember I saw that girl from the rehab. like when i was drinking i could pick up girls. When I became sober, I was fucked.

2:33:19 And she went to an elevator with some dude. And I walked up to the door. I was just like, oh, my God, this is this is nuts. show if someone want i'm you know what i mean. I always do that because that fucking affected me so much I went on stage. I was going to be an art teacher. You know, Then I did an acting class and I went to Bunk Hill Community College for fine art and I was taking all the shit and then I did an acting class

2:36:05 there and then he was like i have a friend who happened to be dane he could do it too so he came We're doing this. We, it was like a No, like at the clubs, And they didn't like that? mark parenta sure okay um he brought us in and we went into bcn and we were on the radio But he got in trouble for that, right? yeah, I think he was giving kids Sony Playstations.

2:39:27 I mean the BCN, They switched it that year to the garden, Oh my God. They put us in between fish. 14,000 people we all had we just went what's up dude it got it went bad so fast billy burr was actually in the crowd he it bombed you could hear But we're going to leave in a second. You know what I mean? oh, we went home. They left me. I was like, fuck this group shit.

2:43:04 Well, what you guys were doing when I met you is you would do sketches, Maybe, yeah, maybe we did. Yeah, yeah, I remember that. Who's that? Zito was a different guy on his own who wound up being a- Kato and Morin were like two guys. I think Morin went on his own Yeah Boston Comedy Club I have a show on the night of an Al and the Monkeys show. I did like a couple movies and some off-Broadway play in Boston.

2:45:50 And I just went to Nick's one night Yeah. They're letting her on or him on, and I can't get on? Boom. sure love billy he he went on to write for bill maher executive producer of bill maher yeah he's just a nice guy. Nice guy. Billy Martin, another great guy. You know Billy? Sure. Love Billy. He would put me up every Wednesday. But dude, I was a lot of confidence and a lot of, you know what I mean?

2:47:53 I I mean yeah I loved you too I mean you I mean it was great I was so sad that you lived in New York And you got beat up? I think you left. You were headlining. He was like, yeah, what's up, man? and i'm look i know you're a real fighter and i know there's a code but in boston My legs were slipping because I was on my boots and I was trying to grab it and my feet kept slipping.

2:50:37 I was so fucking sad. I remember there was a chick there that I was trying to hook up with. In fight fights. Yeah, I got in like a couple in high school. I remember just like, I'm just so lucky this guy didn't just beat my face into a pulp. so where is he i gotta get don't go the other way. And I remember like, I hate this. Oh, perfect. he goes come on man i know you got some fucking money and i go no i don't have any money you know

2:53:19 And that's when he understood, like, why I was so confident. I didn't know how to do it and I remember just that confidence kept like it was confusing for him yeah and he's like I took it for a while, but with me. We would go and do karate but like any Are you doing anything now to work out while you're losing weight? went to rehab i went to the road back and i took myself out of the game for 14 months to get my life back.

2:56:18 It took me like three years to make the decision because I want to do it. i love i finally enjoying life and i'm gonna my son's gonna not have a dad right because of pizza You go up. He does these operations. My, my, my sleep apnea, my feet would tangle in. surgery i was walking he's like you gotta walk tonight and tomorrow and every day you have I would see these people.

2:59:48 You know, there's also a thing in your stomach. You could really that pattern if you stick with it That's amazing. it was like somebody stabbing me it's gone like nobody knew what it was it's gone it was weight Yeah, that's me. And I went like this. I didn't work out and I was fucking grumpy and pissed. That's me and I went like this I didn't move today

3:02:35 You know, like, I remember dropping your ear pod on the plane in mid-flight. Seatbelt, I would have to use my stomach as a third hand. I had to grab my foot and drag it up to the bed because I had a, I was so big, I had to hold my tits. So I didn't hit the person next to me like I remember I opened That's awesome. Yeah, I'm not going back. I'm also doing 100 bodyweight squats and burn 500 calories in a workout.

3:05:21 Good to be on. It was a lot of fun. Yeah. That's it.