Joe Rogan Experience #1892 — Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer & Tony Hinchcliffe Transcript

Transcript

0:00 The Joe Rogan Experience. Really? Gentlemen, we fucking did it. Very nice. we all got new it comes out today? thanks guys studiously it's rock solid dude yeah i was like i don't know what i'm supposed to do you have to shoot fucking world shutdown Yeah, so you actually made it much better. Hemingway. The booze? This is 21-year-old Scotch. It tastes like syrup.

3:01 And I'm I should watch it right now to fire myself up forget. It's legit back and it feels so good like a warm blanket that you grew up with but it is No. I think my- Fact checkers on Twitter disagree with that statement. I like to feel it. I love the feeling It's nice to be away from it, but it's nice to be back at it. I used to do it late at night after shows, and I still do, but there's a thing where I'm tired.

5:53 Like you're trying to write, or is it literally just like stream of consciousness, whatever Like today I did. like something, a topic. Yes, I just And I'm just trying to extract stuff. And then those seeds I bring on stage and they walk out there like Bambi on ice. Sometimes. about, but hard to figure out a way to make out, all I wanted to do was get laughs.

8:00 That's really funny. And the better you get, the more tools you get. If you think that's funny. they're death yeah I'm dumb now, but I was really dumb then. Figure out a way. Give a special four years. I'm wearing an Ari Shafir Jew shirt. Jew news. They don't really claim me as one of their brightest. Yeah, you'll see. CNN can't never not. So, like, I'm not going to attack you.

10:55 it in the most charitable way possible the same thing that makes him a great artist he's like boom He's a musical genius. Forever. He may have rapped through a fucking wired up jaw. Much respect. The 350s are super. Kanye's a fucking genius second of all you realize how many people That's right, that's right. Jeffrey Epstein? That's very public. Adidas?

13:48 Yeah. What about New Balance? Ain't nobody trying to take your New Balance. There's a word. To make or assemble more than 4 million. Oh. thing you can't get that's from South America. I don't think they're calling it that though. It's it might be that but it's like it's a hard If you build it that way, yeah If you could show that it's made better. You know, and then the company, the guy.

17:24 In L.A.? I was joking. You go up one stair. You go up one stairway the wild shit they're dealing with now. There's all Mexican music. But it's made in America by people who definitely didn't come from America. It cost two bucks more. But it's weird when you see these factories. Yeah. Yeah, maybe should ask for a raise like I need to fix the world. So that's what I saw.

21:10 The neighborhood sucked. Yes. are tolerant of that. That is I mean, fucking everyone. They don't picture your image. There was a tour poster that had a Confederate flag. like in the proximity of the venue I'm playing. I feel like that's real. Okay, but it's the side that lost, that was in a war against the other side. It totally does. high school. That was taught in high school.

23:55 It was about slavery. fuck fucking no no and pulling it out. Next thing you know. Do you have to sign a waiver? That was a hungover teacher who was like, And there's a good argument on both sides of that, right? but also maybe not you know the problem is like like exposing people to only one narrow band of There's no taxation. And then all of a sudden one of the mom

27:00 assault that line gets blurry. What? Yeah, that's a school Right. do that? And that's going to equal equality equality that that's going to somehow equal equity that's going It really affected me in a way that affect me in the slightest so I think it's because Ellis was They're like, you know, anti-racism. And I was like, he's five. Yeah. Like the fact that you impose one blanket way

29:50 And I also can't wait for that phone call. Well, it's also, it's like, it's part of learning how to communicate. And you see it with little kids. They bully each. That's a giant problem with kids. And you see it with like little kids. They were tortured for years. what are you doing you can't do that he's like well he took the thing out of my hand like you

31:36 And they haven't done anything wrong. is somebody going i know better yeah you know that's someone stepping way out of line and It was 91, so there was racial tensions going on in the country. Did you just say everyone's recollection is one thing, but this is 100% accurate? I'm getting on my third. And all the black kids were like, these, it's good to have you guys in here. And all the black kids were like,

33:20 around this campus at night, just walk Yeah. It was FSU. there was a guy I was naive. Terrified because we all lived in the same dorm. We all lived in Sally Hall Punchable faces. That's a terrible name to say And that, and like, like somebody's talking shit to like a UFC fighter that Joe's with. And I said, you are making a critical mistake. The Boss Rutten story from Miami

36:43 Brian Urlacher. Brian, really? and just kind people. He goes, all right, dude. And Boss is like, I mean, if you want to, we can step outside. Boss Rootin. Like, that was one of those things He fucked people up with that. Bas is not that tall. But Orlando, who was like a wicked Muay Thai fighter, he was small. and to ask him to go outside with him I think it was in Oklahoma somewhere,

39:34 Oh, you've seen it, you have seen it. Which one is it? Oh, it's there? I thought it was Ben Aspin. He ripped his bicep. Protect the drink. Yeah, they're brothers. They're beating the fuck out of him. It changed the fucking bully game. That's my favorite story ever. Obviously, everyone's scared of him. That's right. Tate's sober at the time. And he shuts the door.

42:37 And this guy's gigantic. like he's going to take a swing at him. high up behind your back, and the guy's legs are wrapped around it. from life. So with the omoplata still in? Everyone's around, and he starts telling the story. It should be fun to work on a guy that has never done one. He just got on his back and cinched at him. He just put him to sleep and then they woke him up.

45:44 He would go to, Yeah. uh, But he's in that wild scene in the disco clearly this is the guy He's a good man. as a fight guy. You need to know what the fuck you're doing That movie was so brutal Stallone just came out and said that one of his big regrets, he's like, don't do your Stallone has his neck fused from the Expendables. Yeah, it's about to be a 22 year old.

48:46 Is it too late? Like, I did so many podcasts where I was obliterated. Yeah, it was my office became my kids family did it on a like a laptop screen it was a big deal. I remember Talking shit. Buttholes, buttholes, buttholes. Why? Also, because Anthony Cumia had set up live from the compound. Damn. Yeah we didn't know what the fuck we were doing What is a peace pipe?

51:21 We were all barbecued. On Tripoli's podcast. And then I took a way bigger hit and I was just gone. I had a life down there. Somebody gave me some water. months down there? Months and months. This is like who I am now. What if consciousness and what if your soul, whatever the fuck that is, really does travel through different dimensions and you can really access them and have that?

53:23 Did you think, oh, my God, I did salvia and I'm living under the water? there. I guess in the first I would love it if that was what it was. Imagine And he cut a corner off, and I was like, uh-uh. Remember when the guy was like, I go, how much did I eat? The thing that broke me out of it he's the fuck are you talking about stamps fucking dot com he's like cursing during all of them i was

55:50 He goes, you know, he's a real creepy guy. I'll give it to you there. Rest in peace. He did a lot of creepy things. He'd say, I'll give you a check tonight. He wanted to be part of the party. He'd show up to Easter. I remember Joey. And my dad's like, sure, Joey. Did not tell my dad. Whoa. To this day, he eats edibles. God damn it. And then you're like, oh yeah,

58:53 it off it says 250. and i'm like what so much that's so much so much 200 is so much there's Every time. Because I need you to have a good time at Mark's. I just drink anything you want. Shows up takes the other half of whatever Molly has, he eats it, And I'm just looking at Ari going like, it's going to be okay. Yeah, he walked through it. She didn't know yet?

1:01:34 No. goes where is he and I go be in front of the girls. You're going to be fine. person i saw was davis spade don't say a word okay my inner whore showed up you know this you know And everyone's like, not from you. do love you. Like, I know I told you this. Yeah. I'm sorry. Let's watch my trailer. So what's happening? Am I in trouble? I'm getting sued.

1:05:11 This is just you? No. No, I'm saying he has to say the words to give you Yeah. That's not the way to fucking get it out. What the fuck does that mean? I heard you're not allowed to talk about it, but you're doing a movie with Legendary. And everyone as a joke was like, that would be fucking hilarious. That's funny. Who, me? Are we allowed to play, can he play

1:07:29 I can. You can, but this is What time is it in Egypt? He's done what he's supposed to do. That is a foreign ring. I feel important. Okay. We're good. Shot in Slovenia. Yeah. It's happening right now. For those listening, He was a salesman. Oh, my God. This is why. And they realize, ah, he's fucking pretty good. The point is that we recognize in America that individual Russian citizens are not the problem.

1:11:18 100%. It's really good, man. You know me enough to know that that's the best part of this fucking movie is that it's just fun. He was like, we'll shoot it. The same reason why Shane Gillis is killing it right now. This is a fucking comedy. energy. It feels right. And everyone's energy was positive. the screeners and when you see people the whole place fall out of their seats

1:13:56 People were dying in that theater. But the thing people sometimes forget is that comedy is about not expecting the thing you're about to see. Mary Josh, who were back Tropic Thunder. I can't wait to see Fat Astronauts, Joe. true. And like all the ones that like the We're going back and forth. I go, one of my favorite movies ever in my entire life. And I was like, done.

1:16:14 And then they just backed off the studios got scared. They got scared of making big comedies Yeah. In the old days, we all dealt with this. Really? Same thing, man. Hilarious. open mic sets, they'd give me and you wanted to get a sitcom. and i called up bill who was the the guy who was the owner of the club and i said hey could i get I'm terrible. It was a bar in Huntington, Long Island.

1:19:13 But it's hilarious. I go, just sit down. He goes, you got to go off. But it was like, for me, it was like, this is what I've been doing. right, though. If you looked at it from a i was the lead logger on a post you know post-reality show so they send you the raw clean it up. I go, I really appreciate you I've had those managers that are just because you don't want

1:21:33 why won't he fucking book me you know like some i was dirty right and so uh ed brooke was like hey we can in Canada wouldn't have me on because I was dirty. Right. And so Ed Brook was like, hey, we can't. And then you'll draw and they'll be fine. They do the Nasty Show and it's just comics. where you pulled your dick out we're doing a whatever I had brought in Skunk Magazine.

1:23:31 And then it was just like, I got a call the next week from Montreal. Does Jew have a dick appearance? humor 80 no no no I think 10 and that's what you guys get him drunk we got a Some people's humor, though, really is completely different. it literally is like we speak different languages. And you bring a comic joke. and I won't get too into details

1:25:44 and I could not stop laughing and this. We do a ski festival. These mini festivals we do. Parkland joke. I'm a regular person also, you know, Oh, we can watch it right now? Yeah. And we're trying to listen to his message. I'll just die. And we're like, and we're not laughing at what he's trying to say. I gotta say, the comments, like, where are the bodies?

1:28:40 was at the crime scene. Somebody who works Sprayed. for telling you shut the fuck up they were saying He does pay. And they got on the big screen. would come on the podcast? 100%. Where are the bodies, G? Oh, shit. I'm going to be devil's advocate. How fun would it be if Garth was like, listen, man, it was a problem? Where he was like, So we got caught.

1:31:27 Like, does he know? Garth doesn't hate anybody. Because you were just Garth answer. Garth doesn't hate anybody. It's every post. For Tom. No, it's his turn. There's nothing that benefits Garth. Yeah. And I think if he were to show the sense of humor versus Garth Brooks It's not. I know it's funny, but I think what know I'm just being honest about it it's because there are people

1:33:53 look I've thought son of a bitch no sense, they all start going like, love, love, love. And and I was watching it happen in the comments, and it was like it was like are not the smartest dudes He did it good. They might not even be They interviewed people but it had all these people go like There's not one person And if you go on your mom's house, we'll clear everything up.

1:36:29 I did a college in Ohio. in the world I'll tell you where he is Because I do love Garth and I do love Tom. the other thing I love it belongs all together. He does it his own self. Then he would do discographies and be like, no, you can only get it at Walmart. That guy is like selling out gigantic football stadiums. Not a fan of Garth Brooks. He's gone

1:38:56 Really? Holy shit. replies. I'm a fan of Tom, but There's another point that should be made. What do you mean? That's the problem with you. It's okay. He fucks dogs. He makes these great edits. Oh, yeah. Hold on. we yeah we took a year off well there was a lot of pandemic movements and shit and nonsense but is I'm crazy in my brain you think I don't get it

1:43:28 Prove it. Catch my breath. Not easy. I think you can do- What's the most I don't know. whether it's even possible Yeah, that's Marky Mark push-ups. The problem is, Those are real push-ups. Yeah. You can, you can't. Either chest strap or the tip of my nose. But that's a big back off from I can double you. He might be able but there's no proof of it.

1:46:03 From his knees. Let's blow it out right now. From four to 14. Okay. He says strength is a skill and if you do strength stuff like to the point where you're shaking And they're probably better in hindsight, pull-ups would have been At 900 pounds, when you're doing 100 in a day, and you're having the Ds. Can you do a pull-up? Yeah, I should do more work than you.

1:48:39 We look the same. that's not bad pushup at 41% or you can lean on Legitimate. Let me go through my whoop. Yeah, I get after it. I could tell. Your face looks totally different. I don't know, but it sounds great. That whooped guy just did an explanation of HRV Heart rate variability is where the amount of time between your heartbeat fluctuates slightly.

1:50:58 Go to the bathroom. Can I tell you the part that I think is the best, though? i also like develop some really good circuits i developed some really good ways that i could get That was what I was like torturing myself with the most. And you go through it. I mean, that circuit would probably take me somewhere in the, I think in like the high 20s to low 30s,

1:53:14 because I couldn't get mine up. which is interesting is one day I forgot all my pills worked out get to dinner and i realized i haven't taken any of my blood pressure so and i'm sober now probably 28 days and i take my blood Because I see dudes run down my street sometimes that have had a stroke, and you go, oh, now's when you're healthy. Like, I'm just working way too hard.

1:55:04 have your you have your night so so you're healthy through the week. Yeah, for sure. Because then it gets rap with this kid in his lap. I thought it was cool as shit. And part of me goes, I know that tonight's not the night. You know, I should just leave and go home and get a good night's sleep and work out of being sober, you also have to And fucking Brian Regan was like,

1:56:56 and it's like, we're drinking tonight, though, right? That's the real question. That's what you want to do. I'll take that bet. I would hope that would make you sad if we're all dead, and you're alive, and you're right, We can't play this in front of your family. that homeless guy you were talking like what are you doing and I'm like so are You should do it, man.

1:58:44 Let me see your body. You look good, Ari. weightlifting it's probably like an hour and a half yeah but it's not that hard Uh-huh. things. We don't all have access And when you force yourself to be uncomfortable, workouts can sometimes be the only uncomfortable part of your day. These fucking assholes are my friends. I got to do this fucking thing. I you're like, fuck. I know. These fucking assholes are my friends.

2:00:32 I feel a little blamed. to do it. You gotta do it. You gotta mail in that at the end of the day. Actually, we should do that. We should Not like that. Challenge. Not competition. It's not a competition. He wants you to say, we got to do this every day. like alleviation of external like worry and concern. one? You guys are going to be not. I love your brain.

2:03:02 Three weeks of rowing. of course I did every day we take I fucking love this It's going to take less. Stop. You can call in your families We can bring Talis to with us They're jacked as fuck. Girls do it, dude. 3,000 miles. This is never happening. champ. That's a four man team. What if we did it on rowing machines?? They're small- no, they're smaller ones. You can- I bet you could do a week one. Give me that whiskey. What if we did it on rowing machines?

2:05:57 He's all middle aged. Of course. You need something for November. Let's not turn off the momentum. Those are my hardest things. John Wolf. If we can get like – we all see some video that we like, Richard Simmons? Why don't we get Wolf to give us... This mobility stuff was also like... I want to say, except for one part of it where we used kettlebells, it was all using your body.

2:08:24 He was there for Scandic Fest one day. No, Nate Bar nate bargazzi and he has a trainer on the road with him and he But they say the key is to actually hold it in one hand. Because you have to balance out that way instead of the weights balancing you out. Also, if you can do it I'm doing push-ups. I like that. Oh, call him. No, but I like... We can 100% get stuff to Ari.

2:10:46 And that's a good weight. Thank you. Yeah, don't go too hard too quick, especially if you don't have experience with exercise. It looks like a Popeye cartoon. Eleven. Fifteen. 16. All right, here we go. I'm going to go P2. Two Bears, One Cave is every Monday. Crazy fun green screens. Dude, so that was 15? Yeah, you're going to be, dude. but say something.

2:13:31 and they're like, damn, dude. I know, it's crazy. 2003 was the last time i weighed building next door to me. Oh, thank you. I'm going to tell you. Do it naked. Yeah. None of those are legit. I was counting. I thought your push-ups were legit already. Wait, for real, mine didn't look real? What are we agreeing on? All right, 50. Four. 75. Wow dude 75 bro way to go 75

2:18:39 No, I went to see my nerve doctor for my arm. But I have, like, pain a lot of times in my arm or in my lats and you know weird pains in my shoulder so i'm like yeah it's all related to like recovering from this injury It might have not been unrelated. So do you do workouts around it? It was bizarre. but they still have explosive movements. He was talking about us being, like, athletic

2:21:11 but you can't do it. You know what I mean? Cameraman on our bus Yeah are now hey man what are your pronouns coming into our bench press it was like fucking come here It pinned you. Hold on. No. It was in LA. You don't remember it. I remember it to a T. I busted out. You did nine reps. You got pinned, right? I could do 12 reps at 225. That's a lot. Joe got hurt.

2:24:38 I could have fucked my chest up One is Burt's story. Facts. I get pinned again why do you have a similar I don't know. It's good deep. I think I feel like... in a lot of ways is that enthusiasm he fucking swishes it from midcourt And so you have like a deep, Dude. Where it's repeatable. where you achieve a level love that about you, with that that speech.

2:28:38 No way you did. I thought he wasn't going to do it. Not a hater. Realist. That is defamatory and uncalled for. Settle the fuck down. I'm like, this seems like a Marvel green screen of a Photoshop man. I want to leak them so bad. And it's just, it's crazy. attractive it's that i don't give a fuck we're here to party that's attractive. I don't give a fuck. We're here to party. That's attractive, too.

2:31:05 He's playing baseball stadiums. Oh, yeah. Listen. I'm pretty fucking amazing. For the record bachelor party he comes it needs work I play legit baseball Citadel, France? Went to What happened to your baseball dreams? Meaning I'm better than. You're going to play baseball at a party. Yeah. I'm back now. You see Jake Paul fight, right? That was nuts.

2:34:25 But people size you up based on what they see was the first time. This is what happened. But the left hand is what fucked him up. Come on, son. No. Is he 25? And he fucking loves it. I don't follow this shit. I know that. I legitimately don't know. Well, there you go. He had to get, like, a wrist surgery. And maybe the biggest of big dogs if he's class above his

2:38:12 He can fight anywhere. Yeah. And then stops him in the third fight. He deserves to be mentioned with Joe Louis and Mike Tyson. Because no one cares about boxing as much anymore. And I was like, good luck, bro. radical change in your health and your lifestyle and so he started he said basically it's kind of He doesn't like drink wine He's mostly eating

2:40:24 no bullshit, no pasta. He's got some to eat. Very low carbs. No bread. No bullshit. Yeah. I have a show at 8.30. This is a fucking show. You know, it's great. Yeah. He's such an elitist for food. I would love. how great someone is this is what he's the best at and his eyes roll behind his head. It's the best guest you can ever have Oh, it's so nice.

2:43:02 That is my favorite. Sorry, Tom. That's pretty crazy. All right. Can you play the compared to how fat it was. Wow. I look like a different person, right? That's pretty crazy. That was good. It's so fucking good. Tim Dillon It was really fucking funny, man. It was so fun to watch, man. is that she feels like she's doing to get into jazz with it, I'm going for poison.

2:45:28 God damn it. One idea that was kind of yours and other people's too. What is the comfortable medium And I went, that's never going to happen. month one thing that we all got is if you are forced to do a hard workout every day your anxiety amount of exterior threats that become you can only think about the thing you're doing so whether it's rowing or whether it's riding a

2:48:48 I'm much better with it. I do 500 calories every day. Listen, I think we can all commit. It wasn't that hard. I wonder if we're ultimately putting ourselves at risk. But I wasn't doing 100 every single fucking day. And for me, it was like as long as I didn't do long sets. Yeah, you could. But I think But you realize that your body's capable of more than you ask for.

2:51:02 Let Bert drive you to success. we'd be so much better for five days a week on the road the years is like I need like for me that you have to achieve with being a normal person and also You and me? Yeah. We go I got offered succession for a week. fucking fill it up. My take on it is different than your take on it. by the end of that 20-second show, to get ready for a special.

2:54:17 Okay. Here's what I'm saying. This is my take on creativity, though. Especially when you're not the crux inside your audience. actually doing stand-up. But the biggest thing is to just, like, always be working on it. I can do a Tuesday night, but I'm not there Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. crank out really good comedy yeah you know how do you get there yeah how do you how do you get there

2:56:47 I really think, it's on you guys, not on sober October shows. Let's do some sober October shows. I have a week that I'm not clearing out. I mean, we'll talk about it afterwards. to already figure things out. It really is. The trash talk starts instantly. Fucking 100% real. What do you mean not real? amount of rowing. There's not pouring It's Mike's chest.

2:59:13 Look at you. I didn't want to come last. No, no. That's not... It's literally blowing air on you. Every time he rows, it's blowing air. I gotta run. Because I leave in the morning. Okay. I guarantee the cops are listening He's dead inside Fuck. Oh, dude. Incorrect. He legit is going home to see his children go to bed, and I was not that guy. I never did that.

3:02:17 When you started dropping seeds. I don't give a fuck. I will tell you, Tom, when I was running my hour, I asked him, He went up, and I think he Where do you live? And I had to pull him. I tour with. I love the dudes I tour with. It's like, no it ain't. And we're like, I get to do on the road. I just see him at the store all the time, constantly. there's an excuse to see your friends comedy Comedy is a fucking weird thing, man.

3:05:21 He's a fucking mess, but if I saw him on the airport, I'd give him a hug. It doesn't even bother me. When did you do it that you regretted it? There's an impulsive thing that people have to say things that are outrageous. you don't mean to. they might think it's funny. You should avoid conflict that is unnecessary. just filmed. It's on YouTube. It's right

3:07:44 idea. Have everyone post it. Yeah, it'd get flagged. YouTube was like, nah, you can't have duplicates of it that you know it was a great idea Have everyone post it yeah to get flat YouTube was like now That's better. How many subscribers 1,000. But yeah, guys, just go look. I really don't. What were you going to say? What does this have nothing to do

3:09:42 If Garth comes here That's what Garth will do. Garth Brooks, This is just a thing is what I'm saying. Let's go back to the And Garth, if you're listening. I'm a fan. they all took me out like an anthem sure sure Oh, no, no. Calgary. Dude, that's a whole different world. Oh, he's huge. It's just such a good fucking song, good theme. That's a great song.

3:12:15 What? All of social media and all of- I'm proud of you. It's fucking, it's an amazing set. If you ruin it with your voice over it, I think we can still do it. and then we can end it. I'm in it. quite a lot of friends And the Jew chases. You know, just you should fast. God bless America.