Joe Rogan Experience #190 — Greg Fitzsimmons Transcript

Transcript

0:00 Joe Rogan Experience. Yeah. Yeah, we went through our personal darkest days, but at the lightest time in comedy. I don't know where it was. And, like got me a couple of gigs. It was this whole thing. and you jumped past all that shit So you started to get an hour together super fast. and he would come back, dude, that blowjob joke killed. oh. They smelled blood.

3:33 It was like, you know, half filled room. Oh, God. Do you just have to kind of stop? headlining where i had no fucking business headlining there was no way i barely had 40 You're up there dying. don't like you now they're not that they don't like you. You're not making them comfortable. is it is a punchline town. Yeah, we came up in an era where, you know,

6:35 Yeah. stitches on calm Ave it's like holy shit well and the best part really was and or I get in yours. one night. and then, They didn't have headliners come in from out of town. Their what? fuck her after jerking off for three straight years that's what it was like when i was doing stand-up in boston And the reason why he used to bum me out You're a pervert.

9:40 He was one of the first guys I know that would walk around Yeah. I think Tom was putting a dill pickle up its ass in the middle of the party. jokes and like guys like uh kevin knox may he rest peace, was one of those guys just so fucking funny offstage. halfway down the pool and they both stand up and start screaming Greg what are you doing in your underwear the whole fucking pool starts laughing at me I turn

11:58 I saw, you know Natasha Leggero? And so For this bit You just sat there and watched? You were just grabbing your own balls and just. And spitting on it. But seeing somebody, Brian, don't you have the same thing I feel like it's fake. you know photo shoot to he says i want you to suck my dick it's always you know you'll make a All of a sudden, the fucking morality goes way down.

14:58 still have to have tests nope it's no test in arizona my friend my friend is the head of uh in And it's more realistic that they're wearing condoms. Would you take AIDS-ridden loads on your face? I absolutely agree with testing If they're going to do a test for me to feel good about porn, is that she's doing it finds the clip. It's not like you stumbled on it flaccid.

16:57 No. Jump right back. Come back to it. I am going to yell at you. You're watching your daughter. rape right yeah yeah it's interesting how times have changed when it comes to like treating women and everybody wanted to be a G-Man, all these young kids Women would say something crazy, and they would smack right across the face. and you're watching, and it's like a feel-good movie,

19:59 and it's like the way he treated her, is there sex between any other The problem is that it's not that people on this side who want to fuck They just don't want your dick, and that gets people angry. You want to force yourself on them, because it's what you want. more psychological, and your fucking arm. I got to think that could rape the fuck out of you.

21:56 Hell yeah. You think, well, this guy is going to use his stuff. You're just loving it. it is partially what you're saying that it is about you know i've been rejected and i'm more There's a lot of people that like to do that. I think we're always looking, we look so hard for someone to have the answers that it's almost impossible for someone What is sex and breeding?

24:31 close second to importance in questions in life and they're the ones you never It's never been proven to me, but it might be possible. It's like the answer doesn't exist right now. flows and by humbling your ego you can become a part of that force that's as close as i think Of course. He doesn't talk to you. I don't believe that either. well if you look at it I always say to I always say to people that are completely

27:53 You don't believe there's not a God. that no one's ever considered. I'm not buying the man in the sky. Sort of an AA belief in God. What was that? freaky, but yet logical science. That's grace. We're an animal, but we're also the next stage of animals where we're aware of who we are and we contemplate our existence. the connection with human beings

31:10 that kindness is like one of the best gifts figure out how to use our resources together so that we can be like that all the time well as a You know, somebody has a shared history with you that has similar visions on life and things. It always comes to, it's never about money. if they just tried to be a singer. And it's like there's something, Unless it's just like, I want to be famous.

33:46 some possibilities, but it does not deliver you happiness. Don't worry. And people have their own, also they have predetermined perceptions of you based on can so you're getting all this energy focused on you yeah constantly I just A positive little experience. And that's confusing. Most people don't understand their own mind. because they're living their life

36:50 I think you know yourself better You're somebody that, let me just preface it by saying this. is you took shit straight on, and you didn't back off and but you were always in terms of personal development than the tank. do the right thing here? Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Let's examine this. And as you look at I hadn't seen my father since I was like seven years old.

39:46 Can I tell a story? Yeah, don't say her name. I'll tell the story of how this happened. I was trying to get out. Wait, this is her girlfriend? And he go, what are you talking about? And there was one night where she had told me This is what she told you? I get all that, but I couldn't believe that you said something to her like bad about me, you know,

42:29 It's a fucking awful gig, I couldn't believe it. Ben and Jerry's Peace Pop. Well, I wanted to bring it up because we never talked about it. i think it was probably more of a comic premise than like a real attraction on any level i think and that's a little bit fucking weird. Damn it It's possible In my heart I have no fucking idea. in this arena convenient that we just didn't see each other as much we we would fucking write together every day

45:39 you know, A few other things that were leaning into that confrontation, were going hardcore you were hanging out with another michael and you were real kinnison guy I just didn't want to see you back off. Toyota trucks or tie. That's not clever that's not No, it's not that. It was that with you, I always knew you had a sick fucked up shit, and then you'd be like,

48:51 going on stage when you didn't have the material, wanted that were in this strategy not that i like thought about it but it was just natural where i the one who were pressured pressured to clean it up yeah Oliver Keith Lee that's interested in talking about. fucking cute jokes i was doing i I hate myself. I just remembered something you know, where he called in

51:03 Well, the thing is, when you talk about the Boston comedy community, There was Dave Cross and Marin And yet we didn't fit nicely into any of the categories. among the five or six guys we hung out with We're not bullshit. Charlie. No. God damn it. Eddie Galvin. With a tree limb. Yeah, I remember that. Yep. so dumb i mean rhode island they were all dumb yeah and you'd have to go on after that and and

55:16 Yep. Larry Norton. He's lobbing them at you, right? he's doing this bit where he's playing John Davidson out. And then he looks up in the middle of people just getting on the drones. it was at the I fucking sat in a room He, you know, he gets shit from a lot of people It loses its punch. people are going to be running around I mean, there's similarities, but what Hicks did was completely change the way people did

58:26 It wasn't that Don Gavin That's what it came down to. Because only perform their stuff. I think a guy who was by the end to a fault more about his core beliefs and I mean, I watched his documentary. his act in fact when i first saw hicks hicks was doing a lot of kinnison in his act much like you He would roll his eyes in his head and make the same noises that Kinison would make.

1:00:48 Yeah, that's what I mean. A lot of Stan Hopes. No, it's a different guy. I'm glad it's over. because I was thinking today, too. And I want the right to change my mind later. I'm only going to be honest. And now this is done. And it came up because I had an issue, you know, and then they said, what about Greg Like, you know, I'm not going to, guys get over shit.

1:03:41 and became funny, the dead Ted Williams sketch. but it was great. I was working way too much. in i'm in come on let's go we're gonna fucking change the man show and then once we started to develop and do things. One of the big things was Joey Diaz. You tell me. Why is that funny? That's not gonna be funny. However, when a fucking 350-pound fat Cuban guy with a baseball hat and Timberlands comes running out,

1:06:55 I should have never tried. I should never try to do a show at the same time as doing another show. as the original But the point is, So why not just start with the new one? it's like that was truly i mean adam and we should have said, listen, we should just – We lost, like, a bunch of bits we couldn't do now. like peering into like every single show looking for anything that's you know

1:09:54 killed that it was like we had no ending yeah and so we had all these funny ideas of like you know He was the mouthpiece. Oh, Frank Sebastiano. Could have had fun. And that day, it was like right when we were planning to do the man show, the war broke That was a good time, but I definitely shouldn't have done it. was doing the Adventures and you had Sarah Palin running for office.

1:12:08 But people don't give themselves That guy gave up so much fucking work. and his merch is, Me? No, no. You're supposed to be providing some sort of a release. I enjoy this more. man weird fucking You know, the person that, It's just always, There's a fucking sameness to the actor, the douche. Dance is on the table. for something, the fucking Westminster Dog Show.

1:15:03 and a mild flirtation with the casting director you got to say something clever and you a mild I didn't act at all for like 10 years until I did a Kevin James movie, The Zookeeper movie. and putting together a new hour Okay, I got it. work two weekends in a row I don't have a single new joke what the fuck did I They don't need it when they get up there.

1:16:56 I don't know. Somebody told me that the Rolling, was so good we're like play it play it again. Play that shit again. Corbett on stage. Wow. Yeah, it was pretty cool. You remember that? Oh, they're bubbling with anger. thinks you're a piece of shit and you suck, They couldn't back up. Yeah, many, many. And I got my ass kicked. Alright who's next People didn't videotape shit

1:20:46 Walk right up to his table. Come on. You just get crazy? You went up to him. Yeah. Some shenanigans took place. And it's a simple joke about the word aliens having two meanings. This is fucking way long ago. Stupid joke, and exactly the kind of joke you probably hated me for And I go, ma'am, ma'am, collect yourself. anywhere people would get upset if you would bring up anything controversial.

1:24:02 And just real facts about humanity and somebody gets upset, If you're looking at me as the guidance in you or anybody else's life, He's really good, though. He trolled before the internet. is going to FM now, sports talk. People are dying off. Yeah, the only time I've ever's like AM is just losing listeners. People are dying off. at 1 o'clock in the morning listening to Art Bell,

1:26:00 Yeah, yeah, but it was nothing like that on the air. He's trying to tell them where all the UFOs are Something's coming. free anywhere you want it you can download it listen when you want, pause it. How does that compare to I got to have it on, when you're home with your girl And they either have an iPod on or they have a little you know a a player somewhere where it's it's a you know an mp3

1:28:09 It's like to venture off into more acting as well not mitt is not president yet i can say i think i can say kill mitt romney no you can't you cannot But Stitcher steals content, and you need to get off Stitcher. You get full charts and records and numbers. This is what I know. To me, it's just another distribution platform. But we're always in the top ten, and we have every way you can get it.

1:30:16 Who cares? Do whatever you want with it. They have done a service for me, and they've And I only do, I mean, I only do it free. So that was taking money out of my pocket. I see. And then on top of it, when I found out that they were running Yeah, but now you have the numbers. They should be able to because they're still legitimate listeners. And it's like, first of all, don't make me an offer now that you've already stolen it and sold it and made money.

1:32:28 And to me, it's setting up a business model. to be other aggregator sites like Stitcher Let's talk about the goddamn political race. yeah yeah we have hundreds of thousands of people that listen outside of itunes so for us it's it all right well let's fuck it i don't want to go down that road. Let's just say that I and see what makes most sense and what's

1:34:34 Yeah, but it seems to me like you're charging someone for something that you also have for free. Like, it's, Oh, really? And I sort of took the best five, six, eight minutes from each as a way of just promoting the show and putting it out there. sort of launch all these little different guys standing appearance. He should have been like that a long time ago.

1:36:41 I totally should have done it. I said they'd be. They'd be screaming. You're not allowed to say that. Yeah. If the guy was just trying, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the writer, someone a chink it's like that those are like they were revered warriors yeah they risked their lives You've got to just go kill or be killed. That was the first gig I ever got.

1:39:43 I was the only white guy and everything I said was taken like, and possibly deflate an idea. It's there to dull down anybody Yale. Isn't it? College, a very progressive, liberal, Jewish school in New York. And he wrote a book that was anti-Zionist. Yeah. I mean, if you look at the future of this country, because you can't stop anybody and open up their laptop

1:44:07 University of Phoenix or whatever. Who's the one who married Jennifer Lopez? Who was the comic in Boston who talked about, like, going to Harvard versus another school you're gonna go to school with kids whose dads went to harvard and they could afford to pay this That's real. cloaks and robes and fucking hitting each other. These are my boys. you know this is somebody who worked who's done a lot of community service work so let's have a

1:46:52 and mix it up and get to know each other. They got about two years paid for each at this point. And I don't think I'm putting any more into it. And when they of the Conan O'Brien show, and then Chris, You have to be able to express yourself in the education. You have to be able to express yourself in the world. You know what it's in fact going to do?

1:48:32 but in the meantime, you're going to learn calculus. You're not going to be, you're not going to get in. I went to Europe for six months with a backpack, but, oh, in New York, they call it BOCES. It's like a vocational school. Like if you know, But instead of learning, say, a second language, but it's actually the name of the program. Yeah. Just, you know.

1:50:50 it was uh you know uh anything it was buck in haiti what we would do is we would say this and And you just want to go, dude, you're not in Haiti for a reason. talking about this and that I was I was talking to him about uh you know whether or not he thinks I could just believe that it was exactly I grew up upper middle class in New York, out there there is one human experience i think and college to me is supposed to be a place where

1:53:10 What are you interested in? You're interested in this. had a restaurant hotel management that was her major yeah that's right and that poor fucking If you're going to college, you're learning your industry audition I spent two years in the neighborhood playhouse in New York and I fucking suck at Everybody was learning this old style of doing things where it already evolved past that.

1:55:16 is Hoist Gracie, because he was the guy that face yeah it can hurt you but the reality is most fights end up on the ground and the little guy fuck that was dudes had no idea what that guy was but ufc at that point was that was that was I'd wrestled in high school, but I never really Like, all these other guys, these big, strong guys are getting strangled.

1:57:01 So he changed it the most, but in terms of, like, what we're talking about, Yeah, because it came on Fox. The fighters are so high level now. is state-of-the-art. It's a fun, Yeah. Right. Yeah, I know what you mean. you know, they have this artificial strip club DJ. that are wearing suits and they look surprised they're in a Strikeforce. They have hot girls that interview the fighters

1:59:16 Yeah. I'm lucky as fuck. You know, don't just fucking write notes doesn't matter what I talk about I'm saying it right you know anybody can make a topic interesting Like, I'm going through this thing now where my kid is like, And I go, I need a DNA test. Kids are getting way bigger. I'm proud of that. Look, my. reverence for them just as long as you develop respect in your kid your kid's never gonna

2:02:17 It seems weird, but you went through it just as much as he's going to go and you know that's how it's always supposed to be. We got this. Kick the dogs? No, no, no, no. Well, you know what, though? You have to make sure that you make them know that you are dominant over them, but you're loving to them. Yeah, yeah. Was a mean little dog, I don't know what happened to the little dog in its development. What'd you do?

2:04:42 discipline, peace. And I'll tell What's the thing I'm most embarrassed about in my life right now is you start to you can always start for us in our future that are 20 and 18 now yeah I am not going to do that stupid shit when I had kids. we'll have a long long nobody ever did that with me it was because i fucking said so go to your room I was like, Jesus, you ate rabbits? What the fuck

2:07:14 You're taught at an early age, you're born into original sin. It's one of the things most fucked up about the East Coast is the wave of Catholic guilt There was no nothing. You didn't travel. Yeah, mine as well. They were the nuttiest fuckers ever. The second you step off the boat, maybe you got a piece of paper with an address somewhere in the city.

2:09:50 That was really what it was like back then. A few houses, a few fucking log houses here and there, The fact that that happens over... 200 years. And then you think about and this is my always my And granted, I'm not like, Children's. they imitate their atmosphere, everything around them is bad, why should I give them anything? Help the mother. If they're the party of economic restraint and responsibility, I think that you're creating a bigger deficit and you're creating a more fragile economy when you have people that are uneducated that grew up, like you said, in an atmosphere where they were abused and they don't have the tools and their role models were shit.

2:13:22 They want a root of happiness again going back to these studies is the the most that you can boil it down to and there's something that helps. It's all anybody wants. Yes. That's the root of happiness. Again, going back to these studies, and basically just studied it for Yeah. And it's not the war on drugs. Yeah. Which drugs? We've got the info. You know, it's worse than drugs.

2:15:47 because you didn't waver at all. But it was stand-up. What if you were in a pit of despair with a shit job And the only thing that feels better is feeling like people are expecting you to produce something and you do it and you feel good about it. is the Psychedelic Salon, my favorite podcast. by some really educated trippy I love that. It's terrible.

2:18:22 And read someone's tweets. I said, I got to take a shit. but I always knew that I would never be able to do a radio show. No shit. He's fucking brilliant, man. He's awesome. I'm lecturer. He's coming out. He's fucking brilliant. It's kind of like then it knows what it is. well, people love this. I try to avoid that. Yeah. I think people love what you love. And

2:21:18 We've been on for, like, what, two hours and 40 minutes or something like that? Okay. to really get to know you And you know what's amazing is every podcast, the serious show first they've already given me an hour and then i usually shoot a video with them Okay. You take it. People talk around it. I did that in the stirrups This is great Threw you off

2:24:00 In her underwear who do you watch imagery what's your scene yeah I used to have like give up A lot of Asians. Yeah? So you get to experience somebody. Everyone's so polite in restaurants, in bars, everywhere you go. Like, you land in a world where everybody's just polite. where everyone behaves super polite, We had a really cool driver So there's not a lot of like,

2:27:07 Respect of the community and the family. like a very expensive old scotch, Yeah. balance contents when you're sucking your own pp what's up you know you're underneath somebody I got another gig. Yes, yes. That was the thing about out of the way so you can see me. Applause, laughter. all of a sudden they're like, fuck, man, you're good. Yeah. That was just a gem in your pocket.

2:29:57 So I'm saying, the guy's in the back room going, that we used to do? on the Mass Pike It's amazing. Yeah. You know, you're a master. Four Emmys. Are you an Ellen Besties? Did you ever kiss her on the lips? I will have imagined each of them. worked there? Yeah. Oh, you shouldn't be talking to me right now. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But he would leave it in the stand.

2:33:16 like there's always a few guys Well, you know what's cool He clearly knew how to do stand-up, You got Dave Chappelle, I've seen him go on stage with just ideas where he thinks about it, he writes it, he rewrites it, he works hard, and then he comes up with an hour. I'd like to see something on Comedy Central That's a great idea for a show, dude. Say six months for 30 minutes of material.

2:35:34 Right. Right. I don't know if they all start with the same topics That's not even stand-up. audience like that it's in front of a bunch of live audience yeah follow a guy around yeah yeah Yeah, you bank the whole thing as a person who enjoys the craft of comedy. Ew, how dare you. I like that. I like maybe you get the same five topics. I want to make sure they're not pulling some old shit out.

2:38:31 If we find out you're lying about this, you're fucked. Maybe there's three comics, right? Yeah. I'm sorry. I mean, is that? Okay, go ahead. Oh! Greg actually bought a Prius. I know. where it takes all the electrical shit out and they sent them around a racetrack Yeah, the big one. Those awesome. With the Hemis. And then my wife and kids were going, Daddy, the environment.

2:41:27 lithium ion batteries. there's nothing good while you actually use it. I made a pretty big mistake. Yeah, it's a car. Yeah, you're just useless. Prius driving, little bitch. you don't want to ever see a girl do I mean, not at this point in time, and he lifted up the toilet bowl Wow. nothing would stop me. Oh, I've had a lot of that. gonna fucking Russell are you serious like what are you talking about she

2:44:06 We would talk about it. Yeah. And by the way, it took a while to get this out of her. And it was real weird. was dating jennifer and you just look at him like yeah yeah you just just shake your head and walk And I'm like, we get assigned that. Oh, Jesus. Come do it. we would redo the scene and she was totally into it and i was totally she was totally into it

2:47:21 rape the girl yes that's what it was i didn't know when the brakes were going to go on if I let that. That's how you get some pussy. You know, we've lost biologically. And it's also like when I see a guy on a, And I should of its other members and all working towards a certain set of beliefs like respecting each other's space and not being a flashy car.

2:49:20 And it's not necessary, right? dude, Yeah. I wouldn't fucking do. Yeah, but only when somebody goes to the bathroom or whatever. whether it's twitter or texting or it's very hard for me. If my phone's in my pocket and I hear beep, it vibrates. I'll excuse myself and go to the bathroom and then check my emails. or your wife is taking the kid to the hospital and i love the fact about the iphone if i look

2:51:38 I mean, people lived. We didn't seriously go that long. Oh, the radio show. There's an audio book version available on Audible.com and iTunes. That's cool. It's Greg Fitz Show on Twitter. It's a lot of fun. The Fleshlight Look, we love you. There's ample information. It helps your brain work smoother. and you will get 10% off anything you buy from now until eternity.

2:54:18 You going to get your freak on? We're going to add a second show eventually, shortly, soon. Sing it, Joe.